keeping on

Its all abit different these days
A new freedom has come upon me
In the last month or so
another layer off the onion

God has led me into the desert
And the temptations have been upon me
The Spiritual Tool kit works
in extreme's

I've been to the edge
and there was no drink to be seen
no drink to get drunk on
just the edge and two choices

which is the most dangerous
at the edge with no drink
or at the edge with a drink to get drunk on
three choices

unfamiliar territory
in God land
had now become familiar
time to enjoy

relationships
its all about
relationships
communication
understanding

and hills
which hills to climb
which hills to climb and knowingly be slain on
which to climb in search of the promised land

Sober and grateful
time to find and maintain
the gratitude
smile and enjoy life

I can not be as serious as
2014/2015
bring back the uncontrollable laughter
in amongst lifes challenges

Half alive is not an option any more
Right size the fire extinguishers
Keep on asking, waiting, listening and doing
Just 'kin do it

Of Sound Mind...........

A beautiful Revolution

Happy Valentines day everyone, love from the Prairie Dogs :)

Prairie Dogs

well I am just holding back feeling sorry for myself

and I realised I have PMT
so I am forgiven!
RAAR!
and i'm NOT going to inflict you
with fake self pity
brought on by hornmones
a freudian slip i am going to leave in! :)
restraint of tonge and groove
not shouting my head off
wanting to cry
I am tired
restless
discontented
oh yeh i wrote a cheque for a
rather large sum
so I am no longer as richer fool as I was
yet my greed is still clinging on I can feel it
I have had workmen in my house
last 2 days
found another fault
and another created itself!?
all fixable another time
but I HAVE HEAT right now... late evening
not just up until mid morning!

Exam yesterday... glad we have resits
essay to finish
work tomorrow
away 2 evenings conference starting tomorrow night!
and I have to dress up
this is where you grin!
this is where i have to show myself
the just for today card in my face!
and REALLY dress becomingly for work
for one evening a year!
I know it will be good fun
but this is the bit I have to force myself
once its on and i'm there
i'll be fine! infact i'll have a "ball"!
experience tells me so
so shaddup head!
or i'll grow my mullet hair back
like the sax player
on here!!


I forgot I had a label for PMT
should use it more
it will probably be very well used!
see ya!

So I took inventory

and I am officially
self willed
self seeking
grossly self centred
manipulatve
and self pitying
oh yeh and have pride
self righteous
arrogant
judgemental
the lazy one wotsit called?
lustful
impatient
running the show
and have fear
however I dont agree
with the truth

it must be something else..

it must be because
I dont have enough money? nope
I dont have a luvver? nope
I am a wuman? nope
the credit cruuunch? nope
I moved house, must be that one? nope
I am a mild mannered janitor? nope

Is it because I am an uptight mental detective?
cooouuuld be...



chickychahchickychahchicklchakchakchakchakkyabowbowwow

henriffic!

i'm off to dust some skirting boards

Do what you can . Not what you cant . or and acceptance is the answer...

I have accepted that changing
IS taking place whether I embrace it or not
and although I didnt know I was fighting it
my physical health tells me I have been

Its official I have let go some!
and I am changing, transforming
into what? God knows

Do what you can
not what you cant
I have been feeling less than
because I havent been able to do things
which I see my AA peers doing
and wondering whether I am making the progress
I think I am
and no matter how much
I try and do them things
its not possible
the doors keep shutting
I remain willing though

I am accepting sponsorship is
not on Gods plan for me at the moment
what I am seeing is that
he wants me integrating locally
not as an alcoholic
but as a good human being
(that you made me)
I found a local church
not of the denomination I would have
ordinarily chosen
but I went and joined in some
err fellowship believe it or not
and felt welcomed, part of

yeh its pretty lonely here
studying and working
meeting times are few and far between
BUT they would have been had I not moved
this is NOT a location issue
energy levels are depleting
God found me a church 7minutes walk away
in the heart of the neighbourhood
and they are active in stuff

also whats been suggested is
some voluntary work locally
to compliment my studies
i have no idea how I am to fit all this in
i am knackered already
but what I do know
is that if God wants me doing it
he WILL provide me what I need to do it

Its pretty challenging trying to figure out
what Gods will is for me
because it keeps changing
i know not to fight it
but what I dont know yet is often how to recognise
the change over signals
i'm still trying to climb the barbed wire fence
to what I know, what is familiar
when actually he wants me somewhere else
thats why the fence went up

Nightmares are coming
weird stuff
I mean weird
fraid of sleeping again
although that wont stop me
its all part of my mind reacting to the change
it knows is coming
all part of acceptance completely

This last week or so I am questioning
why I am studying
I am finding it very difficult
doing it, working out whats required
and fitting it all in
with work as well and all that
i dunno whats gonna happen
its affecting work
and work is affecting study
I am struggling to separate the two
so the desparate part of me says
well quit the course then!
the faithful and truthful part goes
well you only want to quit cos you
dont want to fail or get a crap mark!
and whet the heck will I do
IF I dont do this?
dispappear back into the rooms
and become a meeting junkie
and get bitter... like I used to be
if nothing changes they stop as they are
and for this ex drunk, who never took risks
life has become one continual risk
RECENTLY
its a flippin good job you are here GOD
and I am with you GOD
what the feck

I am freezing
cant get my heating to work properly
making do... with what I have
NOT what I havent!
Duvets, sweaters, layers
whats that no one ever died from cold!
err yes they did haha...
I am not that cold! exagerating
but its cold...
and when I was in the great war
we never had heating
only candles and fingerless gloves

ok, i'm off to do some more study
make another cuppa coffee
make an honest attempt
at another assignment
and see what happens

yours knackerdly grateful and sober
smiling with a snot icicle forming

God said
Johno remember you agreed to go to anylengths
My will not yours be done
well you are!
that praying you stepped out and did during the day?
do more of it
and that reading you did this morning?
do it again tomorrow
blind faith, obedience
discipline
persistance with less resistance
get on with it
and trust me
I love you

ok...ok
I love You too

Step Seven - broke my sulk! choice sulk or practice humility

I was reading step 7 in 12 x 12 last night
and realised I have been sulking
and blaming someone
for my financial insicurity
yes yes I have lots of justifyable reasons
why Its not fair
but the truth is
I am the miserable one and I am creating
and atmosphere because
of my attitude
I am in a situation where
I continue to continue sulking
OR have faith that Gods plan for me will
not club me to death at the beach
I have no idea
what He thinks or whats in store
but so far
he's been good to me
VERY good in fact brilliant

So by the time I re-read 12 x 12 step 7
this morning at 6.30am
to do a chair at early meeting...
getting up was not such a challenge this time
I already knew
practicing humility
and trusting that its all
really happening the way it should be
and its time that i let go of this
selfish, self seeking, selfcenteredness, sulking
and self will in predicting that
I know this thing is a DELIBERATE attempt
to sabotage my pleasure ... err know I dont know this
in fact I know the circumstances
and its not true, its a desperate measure taken by someone
which has nothing to do with me ATALL
so I should mind my own business
and get on with whats in front of me
my job is to be of maximum helpfulness
whether I think or not
so my sulk was broken
managed to go shopping before work
and get there on time
and feel good
today was a good day

Moving happening
taking steps
get things transferred on correct days
accepting not everything has to be done
on exactly that day
first things first!
Prioritize!
phone broadband railfare tv licence
re direct mail and a couple of other things
the rest can wait abit longer...
Progress not perfection

Heres my moral dilemma for today...
I am moving in 10 days time
The hinge came loose on your toilet seat
a week ago
and even though I have "fixed" it
its not going to hold!
would you
a) buy a new one
b) tell her and offer to pay a contribution to a new one
and let her choose
c) leave the lid down with a "post-it" note on the underside
saying,sorry and becareful!
d) bodge it and not sit down on it for 10 days, say nothing
knowing its going to bug your conscience for the next 10 days
and make your life unmanageable...!

I will leave you with that one
while I remain
"impaled on the horns of a young dilemma"
Quote by Stephen Fry
a little longer

Apparantly I am King!? Well I suppose its better than being a drama Queen!

You Are the King

You are natural leader. You like to rule, and people like to be ruled by you.
You handle responsibility well. You enjoy providing for those who are loyal to you.

You master anything you try, and you refuse to accept failure as an option.
You're especially good at developing strategies and delegating tasks.

You are a total perfectionist. Your standards are hard to live up to.
However, you are also very generous ... at least to those in your inner circle.

Is this me? Of course!!

What Role do you play?

I Found it through Lydia @ Writerquake

Just thinking whether I think about everything?

Paranoia
Do you think to much
overanalyse
?



Or think about what you think about me
or think you think what I think
or think about me
as much as I think you think about me or would like you to
or whether I think you dont think about me atall
I also think that what I think is not
always what you really think
but sometimes what I think must be true
because my thinking isnt always wrong
I dont think
anyway I think I have got over my paranoia
that you think I overanalyse
and assume you always think the worst of me
because I know what you think
because you think like do.. dont you?
or am i the only one taht thinks like this
infact am I the only one left in this world that thinks?
if only the world thought like me
it would be a better place!
and obviusly you spend far more time thinking about me
than I do about you
infact you must spend at least as much time thinking about me as I do about you
if you dont I will be offended
because I think I am that important
in my world which you obviously are the centre of
I think
anyway I am going to bed to think about what you are thinking
...about me obviously!

what do you think?
am I paranoid and overanalyse?
:D I thought I would add the smiley face
incase you think I am being serious
which I dont think I am
or perhaps having thought about it
I am
although I think today I can laugh about the insanity
of my thinking past and present and future

Seriously...
When I catch myself at any of this
it leads to FEAR
which leads to isolation
or reacting behaviour
wrong motives!
which inevitably lead to
further resentment
and thinking!
Feck!

OR it is because
I have acted driven by a defect
which doesnt sit well
pricks my Good/God conscience
resulting in me thinking, worrying (FEAR and pride)
needing to take inventory
and pray for the defects to be removed
and forgiveness... of God.. not always off the person
like it says in step 10

When we retire at night, we constructively review our day. Were we resentful, selfish, dishonest or afraid? Do we owe an apology? Have we kept something to ourselves which should be discussed with another person at once? Were we kind and loving toward all? What could we have done better? Were we thinking of ourselves most of the time? Or were we thinking of what we could do for others, of what we could pack into the stream of life? But we must be careful not to drift into worry, remorse or morbid reflection, for that would diminish our usefulness to others. After making our review we ask God’s forgiveness and inquire what corrective measures should be taken. P86

Thank God for Step 9
where I got to make the deal
I would try and behave diferently in future
Thank God for Step 5
where I learned it was and IS safe to admit to anoth AA human (sponsor)
Thank God for Step 10
where I get to get my thoughts out there
Thank God for Step 12
where I get to ask for help, my sponsor passes onto me what her sponsor passed onto her

"other people cannot SEE the madness in OUR heads!"

ahem... I dont think!!

Just when i began to get broody a few weeks ago...

I came across this!? Stuff they dont teach
you in biology at school...

Helen Austin - Childbirth Song



More Helen Austin
and more Helen Austin

a watermelon's pretty big right!?
God I love ya!
Enjoy...

Football - Me - Playing - hahahahahahahahaha

I have been asked to play
5 a side FOOTBALL
next week
inter work thing
some one pushed for a girls side

and guess what
whatever
i'm in

God you're really having a laugh!

What will I wear?

ok off to uni

Enjoying the sunny evening!!

I am not as miserable as I may sound!?

awareness really is a huge key
its true

today is better
the truth sets me free
admitting loneliness is freedom

I dont feel half as lonely
as I did a few days ago

Review at work
Highly effective again...
Also told
no need to fear a review
any development areas
would have been highlighted
or become apparant well before the review
so a review if we are being managed well
would hold no suprises
hence... there were no suprises

I am supersonic
at work

My head tells me so many lies
relax
relax

trust the process
put in the footwork
let go of the outcome
do my best on a daily basis

not slothful
not victim like
honest best
is enough

I am happy today

The truth is often
funnier than fiction
I make people laugh
just by telling the truth

personal objectives carried in my review
Get in at least once a week for 9am
How many times in the last 7 weeks
have I got in for 9am?
twice!
its true
yeh its not a business objective
its a personal one
so I have nothing to fear
except... my own big stick

Great hilarity in the office
Twice... It is progress
They dont realise just how much
progress that is
I find it all amusing
and also accepting this is
reality for me
Not taking myself seriously
in this are is ESSENTIAL
and I need to stop trying
....
I can laugh about it too!!

Tagged - Heres a start & Today

Today
laughed loads
was asked what I was on!
enjoying again
enjoying the lighter mornings and nights
enjoying the warmth

Tagged
What I was doing:

10 years ago – 1998 cant remember a thing. I was working and in a relationship. Apart from that I know no specifics.

5 years ago—Working. Just breaking up from the aforesaid relationship. Spiralling downwards reverting to the drinking habits of my teenage years. Starting to lose my grip. I was recovering from falling down a concrete staircase headfirst and planning to go to Cyprus, without visiting the hospital to get checked out. Sensible!

1 year ago— Just checked my blog… doing my step 9’s

Yesterday—bathed, ate, worked, studied

5 snacks I enjoy
1) Walkers Crisps
2) kit-kats
3) caramac
4) Krispy Kreme donuts
5) Egg custards

What I would do with 100 million pounds
1) Ask God
2) Employ a cook and a cleaner
3) Have a house by the sea, with a housekeeper and let you stay there when I wasn’t
4) give loads of it away where its needed
5) not hang on to it, wouldn’t cope well with useless excess long term
6) visit all the places I’d love to visit
7) see who or what comes up when I have got 100mil
8) Eat all the snacks I enjoy

5 places I'd love to visit
1) New York
2) Grand Canyon
3) Ayres Rock
4) Lake Como
5) Maldives

Pet Peeves
1) nose excavating on the train
2) smoking on the pavements outside workplaces
3) snorting and spitting
4) financial institutions making money out of people through ignorance because they can!
5) dirty floors on public transport
6) MRSA virus

part two another time
not good at remembering on the spot!

Harry Chapin Cats in the Cradle


people are gifts
they come and they go
friends and family and colleagues everyone
all like waves
coming and going
back into the stream of life
make that call
kick that ball
tell that person you love them
send that card
make time
make it happen
take action
Do not delay

Have a good weekend

Todays lighter - even laughed!

I really try to lighten up!
yesterday was a complete struggle
restraint of tongue gave in at about 4.30
and me and boss both through overdoing it
and neither of us sleeping
barked at each other...
she stated the bleeding obvious!
and I just wanted to punch her...

This morning I apologised for barking
I could see she was just trying to help
me I havent accepted still that I am human
and no-one else I or she or anyone else I know
does what I do... thats because we are not clones
I am unique haha

We spent the day friends
and hugged at the end arrr... seriously this is how it is
I am blessed really
Like she says its swings and roundabouts
except I am not usually the one
barking, crying and needing some slack for long periods!

She's still well impressed with me
even if I am not
see my standards are far too high
hers are fine as they are

I have heard far to often in the last 3 months
do you think your being to hard on yourself?
Take it easy
You have a lot on
you have a LOT on
I couldnt do all what you do
I dont know how you do it all
Go home and have an early night

Now I see its not all possible
long term
and I actually dont want to be like that
i'm changing and being changed

I have been trying to hard
and trying too hard to slow down
and now I have stopped
my diary wiped off my phone a week ago
and I lost my outlook
thats 3 years emails and calender and contacts
EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE
and I just smiled and accepted
either that or i'm in shock and dont know it
you could call it operator error
I prefer to call it
A VERY BIG sign from God and his Special agents

That if you arent gonna listen AND QUIT everything
and trust me
I am gonna do it for you
God does for me what I wont do for myself!

A couple of offers to retrieve the outlook
But I feel its just another thing I have become attached too
Like the phone diary
Its made me now, or is that enabled me now to
Live in the day
each day
TODAY

I even wrote, thats hand wrote
a couple of letters in cards to people
stuck stamps on and posted them
now thats far cooler than email!

If I forget birthdays and other stuff
well so be it
I have to let go absolutely
I have cancelled everything I can remember until June 14th
Thats everything

Except
Work
Uni
1 service commitment (every 8 weeks)
Home group
12 step calls (which are God sent)

I will sleep when I am tired
and work when I am awake
I never thought of taking a nap after work
and getting up again and studying
before bed
until today

Nutrition
two Special agents in the workplace in a week have said
"you eat more sweet stuff since you started the veggie thing"
and "course your going to be off, you changed your diet"
letting go of the meat or should I say KFC's was needed
With the fish it was a choice and I have learned alot since January 1st
3 months off meat and fish
I had some fish last night and today
doesnt feel a failure
it feels like the right thing to do
my diet was not that bad
I have felt hungry lots and lots recently
and ate more sugary stuff compensating

I am less hungry today
less time spent trying to work out what to
eat and get a balance
its tiring, energy I need elsewhere at the moment
Eating sustainable farmed fish
which is in keeping with how I feel about
the way its killed
until I am able to maintain a healthy
vegetarian lifestyle I will continue with fish

KFC's chicken and meat... are off limits
I have no desire and after 3-4 months off
I am now aware of what drives the need to KFC
its lack of regular meals and being hungry H.A.L.T
and sloth!

Listening - Doing the next right thing
see i'm listening and taking steps
letting go and then bringing back in whats Good
and then letting go again

made calls about teachers..
will call til I get through
continuing to listen for the moment
no more commitments until after june 14th
yes exams/assessments yes two this week!
yes looney tunes, premental, examental
yes yes YES!!!!!!
flippin' old timers! ;)
God bless fellow students!

oceans and waves
waves are part of the ocean
they come and go from the ocean and back to the ocean
leaving on the beach whats not required
at the right time
I read that in this book I think?!

awareness is cool
letting go - feeling lighter
had my eyelashes tinted on the way home
eyes feeling alive again
laughing muscles working well today

I love you guys
x

ps. that diary note to keep an eye on my pmt...
it disappeared 2 a couple of week ends ago didnt it!
powerless DOH!

Easy Does It

Steer easily through life by keeping a light touch on the controls, and a strong sense of humour.

wise words passed onto me today

Saw this and fell off my chair laughing

I want that natural cat high ... bring it on!!

1.10min & 1.20min and 2.40min onwards
just cracked me up

2.02mins is exactly what its like when
I embarked on my step 4
and at times when sit down and attempt
to continue to take a fearless and moral inventory
facing myself at times appears to be terrifying
to the world is just NOT

0.04mins putting up my best fight and being knocked to
my knees with one cool sponsor blow



I think at times I spend many an hour
laying horizontal
and running round the edge of a round rug
or is it a giant pizza base?
and dont realise how damn funny it is
to those observing
its another dimension dudes
the 4th ...
1.10mins the above vid

Infact I relate to most of this video
in some shape or form
running after bears
taking a run at the wall
hurling myself at the wall
hiding under the sofa
falling in the water
escaping what seems the inescapable
having the life frightened out of me
standing my ground
face in the porridge, with a "leave me alone look that would kill"
all loved up with a baby
jumping around completely attention seeking
taking a run, taking a walk and falling down a hole
trying to run and jump prematurely and falling down
1.20mins ballet dancing on my front paws...
jumping an somersaulting for joy just because I can!

Happy Saturday
Huge gratitude to share later
in a study break
the best is yet to come

How addicted to blogging are you?

How addicted to Blogging are you ?

I am LOL according to...

do I care ?

not today!

Go with God and Fear at the same time...

I am finding that there is a process
of surrender I am going through in my studies

i HAVE TO TRUST THIS PROCESS
ITS JUST LIKE ANY OTHER

this is exactlu how its meant to be for me
at the moment

Its all slightly different
but at the same time its similar

I am in a period at the mo of
self will... needing to be in line with Gods will
and I am just about nearly there

not sure how
something to do with
accepting I am in fear
and just going through the motions
at the same time

Fear of failure
fear of not being able to remember anything
when I sit down on thursday
fear of regret

All this is blocking out God
EGO edging God out

i am not special or different
I am watching and listening to and reading
about other students
and their head stuff
and their physical stuff
and their mental anquish
and their methods
of getting through

and its all abit weird
and comforting at the same time

I am feeling quiet
Like I have said it all, ready to shut up
enough of the analysis and doubts
Doubts, lack of faith, EGO
I like feeling quiet
Hopefully am ready to listen now
I have eaten
vegetarian chilli and brown rice
the best tasting yet from Gilliam McKeith's cookbook
did some yoga today at home
and been on my knees again
washed my mouth out again with myrrh
it was good enough for Jesus! it's good enough for me
though I am not sure he was given it as
a cure for a gummmm infection
at the time, though as he was a baby...
... perhaps they teethed early in those days?

Back to the studying

Mental, Physical, Spiritual I need unity at the moment...

I got honest
Prayed for willingness
Prayed for sloth to be removed
Prayed for all my difficulties to be removed
so that victory over them MAY bear witness
to those I may help, of thy power

and guess what I did some studying
not enough yet
but abit

driven by God
and willing to put in the action
mentally I am more up for it

My physical body's decided it doesnt want to
I have toothache, rather face-ache!
(yeh all face ache jokes allowed, bring em on!)

Physical pain is tiring
Why is it when I need to make a change
something big
and mentally, spiritually I prepare
more often or not, my physical says no!

Good luck Irish Friend with
the next step of your studies
put in the footwork, let go of the outcome
Go for Gold
Let Go Let God

Anylengths for me
is not staying in a job
I am proven to be brilliant at
even though you wouldnt know it
too see how "little" we appear to do each day!
we really do work hard
its just become effortless
like a well oiled machine
even my colleague
now talks about children instead of out partying
so maybe... its all naturally coming to an end
two hearts perhaps no longer in it

before I leave I am willing to train
or find someone to take over
to be equally as brilliant
and passionate about the position
as I have been to date
pass on everything I have learned
over the past years

To stay and continue
is preventing someone else
moving up a level ... growing
and for me to sit
in my brushed cotton pyjamas
lanquishing in easiness
will not sustain me long term
it will not hold my gaze
I will end up in resentment
blaming others
for the results of my own self will

I can no longer do this
I have the opportunity to apply this week
assistant manager... its NOT what I want to do
yeh the ego gets massaged! BUT heart will not be there
so I said no, for the time being
it conflicts with my studies
it conflicts with what appears to be Gods will at the moment
To take the opportunity
would give my mind another thing NEW to train up on

I either want to go to anylengths with studying
or I want half measures with something else!?
half measures appears dishonest today
and half measures always avail me nothing!

Growing up pains I am suffering from
manifesting ...in my mouth as toothache and faceache!!!
Gotta go and swish some more salty water around
my gummmmmmmms and swill
attractive huh! LOL

I HAVE to do MORE writing with a pen!!!
I cant just turn up to an exam next thursday
and write for 2 hours in those conditions
I havent written with a pen for
that long since 1997?
OH MY GOD
need to get my right hand ready

see ya

Christmas - creation of life - awakening

Twas the night before Christmas
We went out for some "traditional Christmas" Sushi
Twice now I have given it a go
It just doesnt grab me
so am giving up on the sushi
Was well imppressed though when the
vegetarian stuff came round
and then the puddings...


Morning has broken

we have NO speakers
so I am trusting You Tube
is giving us Cat Stevens
and one of his finest

My Gift to You
enjoy your eating, coffee, essays, slobbing out
or whatever you do
have relax, have fun and do it safely

ps have you ever tried having one just ONE After Eight Mint?