Just for today - accepting powerlessness

Just for today

Just for today
I will adjust myself to what is,
and not try to adjust everything to my own desires.
I will take my "luck" as it comes, and fit myself to it.

yet again
a moment of clarity
a realisation that I am powerless
over everything really
yet at the same time
not in a victim like way
walking through
what seems to be a war zone
when everythings comin' atcha
and evertything seems to be changing
and everything is
i must be the centre of the universe!! hehe
head spinning
old behaviours comin at me
old thoughts
new thoughts
new actions
new opportunities
see what the comfortzone
I once knoew disappreared
a few years ago
and I have not felt it since
although I have felt peace and serenity
and perfection at times
I am not sure I have felt in a comfort zone
for a while now
is this a problem?
well I only just write it
and no it dont feel a problem
just an observation really
at times its all very exhausting
and I suppose thats probably self will
trying to controll the uncontrollable
trying willpower on what I am powerless over
change!
everything changes
my job is to fit myself to be of maximum helpfulness p102
whatever happens

I realised aswell in the last 24 hours
I am powerless over my father smoking
and when he dies
no matter what happens to him
nothing can make him stop
not that really I have tried
this recent treatment will cost him money
will that stop him?
maybe only death with stop him
like drinking
smoking is addition/illnes/disease
smoking is a family illness too
I am not sure that he has any idea
how his recent heart attack has affected
his close family and friends
perhaps when he returns to the UK
he will?
usually I say nothing about his smoking
and gave up talking about it years ago
who am I to judge
and his and his significant other's attitude towards it
is simply none of anyones business
continuing to smoke
after his triple bypass a while back
restraint of tongue and pen does not apply here!
its my stream of consciousness
and i'll cry if I want to :)

i noticed my father carried guilt burdens
which he shared when I made amends
he does not have a program
he does not have a God
to ask for forgiveness from
unconditionally
and thats sad

I read this about building our soul today by Paolo Coelho

Four Forces issue 203

First Force: Love

Rabbi Iaakov’s wife was always looking for an excuse to argue with her husband. Iaakov never answered her provocations.

Until one night when, during a dinner with some friends, the rabbi had a ferocious argument with his wife to the surprise of all at table.

“What happened?” they asked. “Why did you break your habit of never answering?”

“Because I realized that what bothered my wife most was the fact that I remained silent. Acting in this way, I remained far from her emotions. My reaction was an act of love, and I managed to make her understand that I heard her words."

which has changed my attitude
that restraint of tongue and pen
minding my own business
and live and let live
is not always the loving thing
this does not mean
ranting, telling, ordering, ultimatums, sulking is

what i see today
is that I need to pray for the words
ask God to give me the words
to say to my Dad
to express how I do not want him to die
and early death
that seeing him smoking really upsets me
seeing my mum in the last stages
of lung cancer was a frightening
and the memories of what she physically looked
like I do not think I will ever erase
from my mind
I do not think all this is to be said
agai I am expressing
my stream of consciousness
yet at the same time
As with Rabbi Isaakov
If I stay silent he will not know that
I love him and value him being around

My father said to me
twice in two overseas phone calls
from his intensive care bed
"I love you"
I dont remember
him EVER saying me loves me
I know he does
he just doesnt say it

At the same time
I am accepting that he may continue smoking
no matter what I say
and die very soon
or live for a lot longer
or his arteries could collapse on the plane home
or like my mum
he may pack up smoking and be dead within 6 months!

see am powerless
and accepting
and full of fecking wisdom
sometimes i wonder if
ignorance is really bliss
i'm off to denial
smoking doesnt kill right!?

ok, aside from this
I am enjoying friends
making music
beach
local AA
I started a new group at my church
although
being me
theres a battle going on
inside
which leaves me very lonely
and at times
i really dont want to play anymore
although i accept
more and more
I am so blessed
to be more understanding and compassionate
towards myself
to have some very understanding
humans around me
who overlook my shortcomings
and focus on my strengths
and so when stop in fear
pause
pause longer
I turn towards and continue

keep coming back
saw a rainbow yesterday :)

i've moved, I am moved!! - Firefly carry a light within

its been interesting
and I now have neighbouurs
who know my name
who knock on my door
who have helped me already
who have confronted me with a garden issue
who hold resentment about previous owner
and now possibly me!
anyway I have to confront an issue
take appropriate action
I have to remember other people are sick too...
other people dont like change either
and need extra patience and tolerence
though at the same time
I dont have to be a victim
nor aggressor
step 3 and prayer...

I cant believe
how friendly EVERYONE is...
people smile
even the cats smile
shops, street, station, on the beach
people say hello

and I still
have another day off!!
well if you can call it off

i've been out on my bike
down to the beach
my skin feels so smooth on my face
fresh air

I keep thinking I may have gone deaf
its so quiet
the field behind me is HUGE!

dealing with people
on the phone and face to face
takes effort paytience and tolerence
and courage

my Dad and his girlfriend
have really helped LOADS
not doing it alone
yeh I made decisions
but theyve had experience
over and over...
and she REALLY knows how to clean an OVEN!!
now thats priceless!
her telephone number is..... haha!

I am really glad they were here
and I am REALLY glad they have gone!!

ok first night tonight
on my own
its all feeling ok :)
very good in fact

and I am missing routine!
now thats a scary admission... haha

Grand Drive - Firefly
carry a light within
open your eyes and see the morning in
see the morning in

She had hundreds of stickers on her wall
made to look like stars
and she'd sit and she'd wish upon them all
to the sound of passing cars

and every single day that passed
without a wish come in
she'd peel another star from off the wall
with every wish that came and went
her sky would grow more dim
until she sat in darkness all alone

Firefly
carry a light within
open your eyes and see the morning in
see the morning in
see the morning in

She had hundreds of miles behind her now
the sun just coming in
she was keeping a promise to herself
searching the real thing

When she saw the stars that night
she couldnt believe her eyes
she felt like someone new...
she never thought they'd shine so bright
and then she realised that EVERY wish
she made had just come true...

Firefly carry a light within
carry a light within
open your eyes and see the morning in
see the morning in
see the morning in



Dont quit before the miracle
The darkest hour is before the dawn
However dark it seems
Trust the steps
trust God
and go to any lengths
See the morning in..

Thank you God

6 more sleeps....

then i move
boxing up all my stuff
I thought I had done loads already
seems to justr keep finding stuff!!
and very little rubbish
I have thrown loads away
over the last year or so!!
thank goodness

anyway
I have no idea
when I am going to study
I have no idea
I am just keeping going until
i need to sleep!!
eating and sleeping and praying
and boxing

Moral dilemm over
I have bought a new toilet seat
I will enjoy it
for the next few days...

you know I try and not
get excited about my dad
helping out
because its just so rare
but I felt like a turning point
when they offered
now he cut the days down by one today
I feel happy he's helping atall
kind of a miracle
although I cant deny my disappointment
that its so short
however from what he said today
they will come armed with
toolbox and rubber gloves
they will come again for a long weekend
when I next take some time off...
this is not something I normally do
take long weekends unless I go away
perhaps times are a changing
perhaps.. i dunno
ok, back to today
back to my boxes

3 friends have had babies this year
all gifts of recovery
its lovely

have a great rest of weekend
whatever you do
:)

Humbled by the extraordinariness that my life is - compared to what it was

my efforts - willingness
and its/his Power
combined
create the extraordinary
I feel humble
and grateful to be
within the realm of the King of Goodliness

Matt Redman - Facedown


Someone once said to me
God wants his family back
like a father

today my Dad
offered to come and help with my house move
this is extraordinary!
and yet to many it will not appear that way

See God had created what to
many will seem ordinary
ordinary life
ordinary experiences
but to me
it feels very special
its worked for
with good motives

a few days ago
I said marriage and kids
may make my life perfect
I think
having my dad in my life
is more important today
I had accepted that the distant
and muted life we share.. was it
and I pray for them both often
restraint and tolerence and patience
and love
and see... what happens

perhaps they just didnt like where I live
and have been wishing for
me in the same way for not changing
and they having to accept my ways...
excersizing their own restraint
tolerence patience and love

somehow without argument...
excersizing live and let live
and giving time time
we may have finally found some middle ground
geographically speaking

6 out of the last 7 working days
I have arrived early
at work...
I dropped off the early meetings
wed/thursday/friday last week
wed/thurs still got in early
but it was a struggle
Friday, I was well late!!
proves to me yet again
I cant do this on my own
I revert back...
today I did some shopping
in between the meeting and work
and still arrived early
now thats what I call
a flippin miracle!

Love and Service in all my affairs (parent/s)

Practice Love and Service, let God and Love drive you

I am sure that you dont need me to say any of this
you didnt ask my advice on how to deal with your parents
its your journey, non of my business etc etc...
but saying it has helpd to remind me
how I need to approach my parent... everytime,
cos when he's gone, thats it, NO MORE opportunities

I can only hope you see the motive behind this
and the spirit that its intended

Love your parents for who they are
love their vulnerability
love their little niggly imperfect ways and
love the way they flit from the strong parent
to the needing 5 year old
when out of their comfirt zones.
Love them, Go with Love, practice LOVE,
let Love do the work, no matter how they behave

Be yourself, you do have lots of Love to give

Enjoy the God given gift that is TIME
with NON abusive parents
enjoy the gift that they are while they are
see the beauty that is family and parents

Notice everything they do,
see how beautiful it really is
the way they act and interact


Nothing is permanent, infinite, forever
and none of us really know
its about having as few regrets as possible
and as many memories as possible


Whatever... I find practicing Love and Service
as the primary motivators enable a much more enjoyable time

Love and Service rule ok!!

Have a really fun time, enjoy, not endure...