I am angry
because i am confused
i am relieved
i have some clarity
i am frustrated
that i may be unpacking
2 life areas
not one
i am relieved
that i can see the sense
in separating them out
i feel compassion
how much is still
inside unanswered
i feel compassion for the
self harm thoughts
the taste of vodka i imagined
the suicudal thoughts
the out of control feeling
all predictable
all of which would hinder
progress in the past
just for today
i let them in and let them out
i feel angry
this still requires sorting
i am angry
this could completely
cock up what seems
a really good future
i am intrigued
as to what God
has up his sleeve on this one
i am impatient
and want to explore
i am afraid
of self will
i want
yet i daren't
even speak it
i need yet
i daren't ask for it
to stay in this state of
not having
not knowing
not feeling
the truth
is uncomfortable
yet its what i have
become used to
i dont want to
now
i want to
at least discuss
i want to be able to ask for
without fear
to thine own self be true
i want to stand up
and be who i am
at the moment i still
dont know what that is entirely
i am not armed with the full facts
about my condition... Human
yet to put today
in perspective
i was incharge at church today
responsibility
yet i didnt control freak
was all kind of smooth
i asked for help... See i can do it
yet this was forbthe good of
the service not me ibdividually
went home and wallpapered
i realise i enjoy diy
to a point
it is kind of meditative
i get time for thoughts
to come in and out
productive day
and i felt peace
the last two days
i have not been at peace
today i felt some
no hard painful thoughts
just a few i have listed
in a general fashion
Showing posts with label And Acceptance is the Answer...... Show all posts
Showing posts with label And Acceptance is the Answer...... Show all posts
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Step 1
I am powerless over my past
I cannot change any part of it
Certain parts still bother me
A certain thread that runs
Right through
My core
Breaks my heart
Eats away at progress
still has me its grip
I cannot manage to move on
Under my own power
Energy, self will
Will power
I can't manage to move on
I cant think my way out of it
And so this area of my life
Is unmanageable
My thinking, sleeping, breathing
Days, nights, work
Self esteem
Ambition
Personal relations
Sex relations
All areas
Are affected when
I start digging around
And trying to address it
And when i think about it
And when i try
Avoiding it, laughing it off
Skirting around it
Is like avoidance
And even an eskimo could
Appear at any moment
And trigger a defect
As they
Always will
Like alcohol
I want to feel neutral
Yet unlike with alcohol
i dont
I feel
Deep shame
Freakiness
Fear
Useless
Self pity
Dread
Yet
I feel a sense of
Hope
Care
Love
Faith
I am afraid
This will lead me to drink
And i will go to any lengths
To stop that happening
This will be hard
I have begun
Unpacking agaib
What begun
During step 5
I do not
Want to waste
Any further future
Alone with
My skewed perspective
On this
I am wrong on this
I have to be
Because if i am not
Then God went wrong
And i really do not
Want to be right
And God be wrong
That would mean
I know better than God
And i know
Thats impossible!!
Even if sometimes
I think i do
Deep down i do not
Ever want to know
Better than God
And i do not
Ever want to be right
About what i feel
At the moment
I am powerless over
This area of my past
And my life, thinking
Feeling, communicating
Emotions, contentment
Has become unmanageable
What?
I need not stay like this
Do i want to stay like this?
No
Are you willing to go
to any length?
Yes
How?
Trust Me
Ask Me
Pray for the fear to be removed
Pray for willingness, openmind, honesty
And humility
Pray
ok
I cannot change any part of it
Certain parts still bother me
A certain thread that runs
Right through
My core
Breaks my heart
Eats away at progress
still has me its grip
I cannot manage to move on
Under my own power
Energy, self will
Will power
I can't manage to move on
I cant think my way out of it
And so this area of my life
Is unmanageable
My thinking, sleeping, breathing
Days, nights, work
Self esteem
Ambition
Personal relations
Sex relations
All areas
Are affected when
I start digging around
And trying to address it
And when i think about it
And when i try
Avoiding it, laughing it off
Skirting around it
Is like avoidance
And even an eskimo could
Appear at any moment
And trigger a defect
As they
Always will
Like alcohol
I want to feel neutral
Yet unlike with alcohol
i dont
I feel
Deep shame
Freakiness
Fear
Useless
Self pity
Dread
Yet
I feel a sense of
Hope
Care
Love
Faith
I am afraid
This will lead me to drink
And i will go to any lengths
To stop that happening
This will be hard
I have begun
Unpacking agaib
What begun
During step 5
I do not
Want to waste
Any further future
Alone with
My skewed perspective
On this
I am wrong on this
I have to be
Because if i am not
Then God went wrong
And i really do not
Want to be right
And God be wrong
That would mean
I know better than God
And i know
Thats impossible!!
Even if sometimes
I think i do
Deep down i do not
Ever want to know
Better than God
And i do not
Ever want to be right
About what i feel
At the moment
I am powerless over
This area of my past
And my life, thinking
Feeling, communicating
Emotions, contentment
Has become unmanageable
What?
I need not stay like this
Do i want to stay like this?
No
Are you willing to go
to any length?
Yes
How?
Trust Me
Ask Me
Pray for the fear to be removed
Pray for willingness, openmind, honesty
And humility
Pray
ok
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Just for today - accepting powerlessness
Just for today
Just for today
I will adjust myself to what is,
and not try to adjust everything to my own desires.
I will take my "luck" as it comes, and fit myself to it.
yet again
a moment of clarity
a realisation that I am powerless
over everything really
yet at the same time
not in a victim like way
walking through
what seems to be a war zone
when everythings comin' atcha
and evertything seems to be changing
and everything is
i must be the centre of the universe!! hehe
head spinning
old behaviours comin at me
old thoughts
new thoughts
new actions
new opportunities
see what the comfortzone
I once knoew disappreared
a few years ago
and I have not felt it since
although I have felt peace and serenity
and perfection at times
I am not sure I have felt in a comfort zone
for a while now
is this a problem?
well I only just write it
and no it dont feel a problem
just an observation really
at times its all very exhausting
and I suppose thats probably self will
trying to controll the uncontrollable
trying willpower on what I am powerless over
change!
everything changes
my job is to fit myself to be of maximum helpfulness p102
whatever happens
I realised aswell in the last 24 hours
I am powerless over my father smoking
and when he dies
no matter what happens to him
nothing can make him stop
not that really I have tried
this recent treatment will cost him money
will that stop him?
maybe only death with stop him
like drinking
smoking is addition/illnes/disease
smoking is a family illness too
I am not sure that he has any idea
how his recent heart attack has affected
his close family and friends
perhaps when he returns to the UK
he will?
usually I say nothing about his smoking
and gave up talking about it years ago
who am I to judge
and his and his significant other's attitude towards it
is simply none of anyones business
continuing to smoke
after his triple bypass a while back
restraint of tongue and pen does not apply here!
its my stream of consciousness
and i'll cry if I want to :)
i noticed my father carried guilt burdens
which he shared when I made amends
he does not have a program
he does not have a God
to ask for forgiveness from
unconditionally
and thats sad
I read this about building our soul today by Paolo Coelho
Four Forces issue 203
First Force: Love
Rabbi Iaakov’s wife was always looking for an excuse to argue with her husband. Iaakov never answered her provocations.
Until one night when, during a dinner with some friends, the rabbi had a ferocious argument with his wife to the surprise of all at table.
“What happened?” they asked. “Why did you break your habit of never answering?”
“Because I realized that what bothered my wife most was the fact that I remained silent. Acting in this way, I remained far from her emotions. My reaction was an act of love, and I managed to make her understand that I heard her words."
which has changed my attitude
that restraint of tongue and pen
minding my own business
and live and let live
is not always the loving thing
this does not mean
ranting, telling, ordering, ultimatums, sulking is
what i see today
is that I need to pray for the words
ask God to give me the words
to say to my Dad
to express how I do not want him to die
and early death
that seeing him smoking really upsets me
seeing my mum in the last stages
of lung cancer was a frightening
and the memories of what she physically looked
like I do not think I will ever erase
from my mind
I do not think all this is to be said
agai I am expressing
my stream of consciousness
yet at the same time
As with Rabbi Isaakov
If I stay silent he will not know that
I love him and value him being around
My father said to me
twice in two overseas phone calls
from his intensive care bed
"I love you"
I dont remember
him EVER saying me loves me
I know he does
he just doesnt say it
At the same time
I am accepting that he may continue smoking
no matter what I say
and die very soon
or live for a lot longer
or his arteries could collapse on the plane home
or like my mum
he may pack up smoking and be dead within 6 months!
see am powerless
and accepting
and full of fecking wisdom
sometimes i wonder if
ignorance is really bliss
i'm off to denial
smoking doesnt kill right!?
ok, aside from this
I am enjoying friends
making music
beach
local AA
I started a new group at my church
although
being me
theres a battle going on
inside
which leaves me very lonely
and at times
i really dont want to play anymore
although i accept
more and more
I am so blessed
to be more understanding and compassionate
towards myself
to have some very understanding
humans around me
who overlook my shortcomings
and focus on my strengths
and so when stop in fear
pause
pause longer
I turn towards and continue
keep coming back
saw a rainbow yesterday :)
Just for today
I will adjust myself to what is,
and not try to adjust everything to my own desires.
I will take my "luck" as it comes, and fit myself to it.
yet again
a moment of clarity
a realisation that I am powerless
over everything really
yet at the same time
not in a victim like way
walking through
what seems to be a war zone
when everythings comin' atcha
and evertything seems to be changing
and everything is
i must be the centre of the universe!! hehe
head spinning
old behaviours comin at me
old thoughts
new thoughts
new actions
new opportunities
see what the comfortzone
I once knoew disappreared
a few years ago
and I have not felt it since
although I have felt peace and serenity
and perfection at times
I am not sure I have felt in a comfort zone
for a while now
is this a problem?
well I only just write it
and no it dont feel a problem
just an observation really
at times its all very exhausting
and I suppose thats probably self will
trying to controll the uncontrollable
trying willpower on what I am powerless over
change!
everything changes
my job is to fit myself to be of maximum helpfulness p102
whatever happens
I realised aswell in the last 24 hours
I am powerless over my father smoking
and when he dies
no matter what happens to him
nothing can make him stop
not that really I have tried
this recent treatment will cost him money
will that stop him?
maybe only death with stop him
like drinking
smoking is addition/illnes/disease
smoking is a family illness too
I am not sure that he has any idea
how his recent heart attack has affected
his close family and friends
perhaps when he returns to the UK
he will?
usually I say nothing about his smoking
and gave up talking about it years ago
who am I to judge
and his and his significant other's attitude towards it
is simply none of anyones business
continuing to smoke
after his triple bypass a while back
restraint of tongue and pen does not apply here!
its my stream of consciousness
and i'll cry if I want to :)
i noticed my father carried guilt burdens
which he shared when I made amends
he does not have a program
he does not have a God
to ask for forgiveness from
unconditionally
and thats sad
I read this about building our soul today by Paolo Coelho
Four Forces issue 203
First Force: Love
Rabbi Iaakov’s wife was always looking for an excuse to argue with her husband. Iaakov never answered her provocations.
Until one night when, during a dinner with some friends, the rabbi had a ferocious argument with his wife to the surprise of all at table.
“What happened?” they asked. “Why did you break your habit of never answering?”
“Because I realized that what bothered my wife most was the fact that I remained silent. Acting in this way, I remained far from her emotions. My reaction was an act of love, and I managed to make her understand that I heard her words."
which has changed my attitude
that restraint of tongue and pen
minding my own business
and live and let live
is not always the loving thing
this does not mean
ranting, telling, ordering, ultimatums, sulking is
what i see today
is that I need to pray for the words
ask God to give me the words
to say to my Dad
to express how I do not want him to die
and early death
that seeing him smoking really upsets me
seeing my mum in the last stages
of lung cancer was a frightening
and the memories of what she physically looked
like I do not think I will ever erase
from my mind
I do not think all this is to be said
agai I am expressing
my stream of consciousness
yet at the same time
As with Rabbi Isaakov
If I stay silent he will not know that
I love him and value him being around
My father said to me
twice in two overseas phone calls
from his intensive care bed
"I love you"
I dont remember
him EVER saying me loves me
I know he does
he just doesnt say it
At the same time
I am accepting that he may continue smoking
no matter what I say
and die very soon
or live for a lot longer
or his arteries could collapse on the plane home
or like my mum
he may pack up smoking and be dead within 6 months!
see am powerless
and accepting
and full of fecking wisdom
sometimes i wonder if
ignorance is really bliss
i'm off to denial
smoking doesnt kill right!?
ok, aside from this
I am enjoying friends
making music
beach
local AA
I started a new group at my church
although
being me
theres a battle going on
inside
which leaves me very lonely
and at times
i really dont want to play anymore
although i accept
more and more
I am so blessed
to be more understanding and compassionate
towards myself
to have some very understanding
humans around me
who overlook my shortcomings
and focus on my strengths
and so when stop in fear
pause
pause longer
I turn towards and continue
keep coming back
saw a rainbow yesterday :)
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
.... must believe-that the body of the alcoholic is quite as abnormal as his mind. Dr's Opinion
Fear and Love do not live in the same moment
Life and death do not live in the same moment
where there is fear there is no love
where there is love there is no fear
where there is life there is no death
where there is death there is no life
I live each day with thoughts of death
more than one a day
I do
I used to think this was a weakness
not working my programme
mental
suicidal
now I see it as a part of me
I live each day with thoughts of good things to come
more than one a day
I do
natural
living
now I see it as a part of me
I also see that they come and they go
the death negative fear thoughts
they come and they go
and they come again and they go
the more I pray when they come
the less time they hang around
the more change and action and progress i make
the more they come and with them fear
the more prayer and doing Gods will I do
the more progress I make the more fear comes
the more I rely on Gods will
the more progress I make
into unknown territory
out of what my mind knows or even had thought about
beyond zebra... past Zee
out of my comfort zone
any lengths
I wonder at the moment
how long I have to live with these great Powers within
and whether at somepoint one will overcome the other
I really hope Love will conquer all
At times its exhausting
At times I really am sick of this
At times I just want to take a pill and zone out
Though really I dont!
Being chronically self centred
I am fascinated by the way I am
and what I am becoming
I am more accepting of who I am
than I have ever been
and more willing to work with god
to become what he wants
because 99% of the time thesedays I KNOW its gonna be good
And I am having a really good time
them thoughts no longer hold me back
take away my humour, humanness
though they damn well try!!
Although what I am experiencing is
its not what I do that makes it go away
its the prayer
its the acceptance
its the turning towards
its accepting Love is the answer
in those Mind Games
This is who I am
In your hands God
to do with me as thou wilt
show me my part
and give me the power
to carry it out!
Anylengths
what? where did YOU come from?
Reminding ourselves that we have decided to go to any lengths to find a spiritual experience, we ask that we be given strength and direction to do the right thing, no matter what the personal consequences may be.
Its on Page 79
Lots a love
God
Life and death do not live in the same moment
where there is fear there is no love
where there is love there is no fear
where there is life there is no death
where there is death there is no life
I live each day with thoughts of death
more than one a day
I do
I used to think this was a weakness
not working my programme
mental
suicidal
now I see it as a part of me
I live each day with thoughts of good things to come
more than one a day
I do
natural
living
now I see it as a part of me
I also see that they come and they go
the death negative fear thoughts
they come and they go
and they come again and they go
the more I pray when they come
the less time they hang around
the more change and action and progress i make
the more they come and with them fear
the more prayer and doing Gods will I do
the more progress I make the more fear comes
the more I rely on Gods will
the more progress I make
into unknown territory
out of what my mind knows or even had thought about
beyond zebra... past Zee
out of my comfort zone
any lengths
I wonder at the moment
how long I have to live with these great Powers within
and whether at somepoint one will overcome the other
I really hope Love will conquer all
At times its exhausting
At times I really am sick of this
At times I just want to take a pill and zone out
Though really I dont!
Being chronically self centred
I am fascinated by the way I am
and what I am becoming
I am more accepting of who I am
than I have ever been
and more willing to work with god
to become what he wants
because 99% of the time thesedays I KNOW its gonna be good
And I am having a really good time
them thoughts no longer hold me back
take away my humour, humanness
though they damn well try!!
Although what I am experiencing is
its not what I do that makes it go away
its the prayer
its the acceptance
its the turning towards
its accepting Love is the answer
in those Mind Games
This is who I am
In your hands God
to do with me as thou wilt
show me my part
and give me the power
to carry it out!
Anylengths
what? where did YOU come from?
Reminding ourselves that we have decided to go to any lengths to find a spiritual experience, we ask that we be given strength and direction to do the right thing, no matter what the personal consequences may be.
Its on Page 79
Lots a love
God
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Hand in Hand with Fear and Pride
Aswell as getting on with it
I have been very absorbed in my own thoughts
about my self obviously
and many others
so much so that time ticks by
I am doing things productive
but not really doing them
my auto pilot did them
do I didnt really take part fully!
Out of my comfort zone at work
learning lots of new stuff
taking my feet off the ground
and the stabilisers off
is abit scary to say the least
I want to keep running back
to comfort
even though the comfort zone
doesnt really exist anymore
because its all changed
there is no going back..
it makes sense to me anyway
yet I have faith
I need to pray for my defects to be removed
why? not just because its in the steps
but because I know it works
fear and pride
I am struggling to accept that I dont know
how to do all this new stuff NOW
and its been a few weeks
so I HSOULD know it all??? wrong!
the new stuff keeps coming and coming
so yet still this fear and pride
keeps coming and coming!! its true
sitting in conscious incompetent
and exactly how its meant to be..
step 10's
I have been very absorbed in my own thoughts
about my self obviously
and many others
so much so that time ticks by
I am doing things productive
but not really doing them
my auto pilot did them
do I didnt really take part fully!
Out of my comfort zone at work
learning lots of new stuff
taking my feet off the ground
and the stabilisers off
is abit scary to say the least
I want to keep running back
to comfort
even though the comfort zone
doesnt really exist anymore
because its all changed
there is no going back..
it makes sense to me anyway
yet I have faith
I need to pray for my defects to be removed
why? not just because its in the steps
but because I know it works
fear and pride
I am struggling to accept that I dont know
how to do all this new stuff NOW
and its been a few weeks
so I HSOULD know it all??? wrong!
the new stuff keeps coming and coming
so yet still this fear and pride
keeps coming and coming!! its true
sitting in conscious incompetent
and exactly how its meant to be..
step 10's
Monday, February 02, 2009
At times I have no idea how to behave
and today was one of them...
living where I am living out of town
I am really feeling the season
and how long it goes on for
and its twists and suprises
and joys and scares
today was too trecherous to cycle
a neighbour gave me a lift to the station
early train got me to work early...
dilemma came
when only two of us arrived...
why am i here?
because I work here...
i travelled the furthest..
well actually the train brought me here
I didnt actually walk it!
snow fell faster
trains started being cancelled
and I didnt know when to leave
I have no idea...
most people didnt even turn up
yet I have a problem leaving
rather than being stranded
to scared to be stranded at work
to scared to leave work
rather strange! but thats how it was
its a first...
first time I have left work early
because of weather
I took some work home
see whilst others snowballed
I couldnt! and didnt
through choice and ignorance
ignorance of whats appropriate
see am used to going to any lengths
turn up at the station until they tell you
the trains arent running
stay at work til they tell you to go home
even at the station going home
they said they are not shutting the stations
yet the snow fell more and more
when he said some trains were breaking down
thats when I stepped on the train...
and tonight went and asked the same neighbour
for a lift tomorrow to station
that was hard...
came home
did some work
just took inventory
I am afraid of this
new situation I have experienced
and afraid of how I reacted/behaved
and what people will think of me
restless, irritable and discontented
because my routine and comfort zone has been
altered by snow
and forced me to go beyond zee
see God picked up the chalk and drew one letter more
pride, self will, self centredness
self centred fear
please remove all my defects of character
and grant me acceptance, courage and wisdom
love and tolerence towards self and others
powerless
and grateful
living where I am living out of town
I am really feeling the season
and how long it goes on for
and its twists and suprises
and joys and scares
today was too trecherous to cycle
a neighbour gave me a lift to the station
early train got me to work early...
dilemma came
when only two of us arrived...
why am i here?
because I work here...
i travelled the furthest..
well actually the train brought me here
I didnt actually walk it!
snow fell faster
trains started being cancelled
and I didnt know when to leave
I have no idea...
most people didnt even turn up
yet I have a problem leaving
rather than being stranded
to scared to be stranded at work
to scared to leave work
rather strange! but thats how it was
its a first...
first time I have left work early
because of weather
I took some work home
see whilst others snowballed
I couldnt! and didnt
through choice and ignorance
ignorance of whats appropriate
see am used to going to any lengths
turn up at the station until they tell you
the trains arent running
stay at work til they tell you to go home
even at the station going home
they said they are not shutting the stations
yet the snow fell more and more
when he said some trains were breaking down
thats when I stepped on the train...
and tonight went and asked the same neighbour
for a lift tomorrow to station
that was hard...
came home
did some work
just took inventory
I am afraid of this
new situation I have experienced
and afraid of how I reacted/behaved
and what people will think of me
restless, irritable and discontented
because my routine and comfort zone has been
altered by snow
and forced me to go beyond zee
see God picked up the chalk and drew one letter more
pride, self will, self centredness
self centred fear
please remove all my defects of character
and grant me acceptance, courage and wisdom
love and tolerence towards self and others
powerless
and grateful
Thursday, January 01, 2009
Get honest with God (as you understand God)
He always listens
always forgives
pray honestly
ask for anything you want in a childlike way
and God will give you what you need
in a Parental way
Talk to Him like no other
because He is like no other
Pray, talk, whisper,
mumble, yell
outloud, in silence
in a crowd, alone
on a beach, in the city
Do it often
like someone you want a relationship with
build it, grow it
learn to listen
and listen to learn
you will get to know
how God communicates with you
he really does
that voice
hear that voice again
you will recognise it
it will come often
and sometimes seemingly random
Heaven stands still
everytime you pray
God allows us to have what we want
if we really want it
and he also allows us the consequences
comfortable and uncomfortable
he has a plan, a good plan
I have everything I need already
I am tired
my motives have changed
my dream became reality
and I saw what the future holds
by following that dream
and I dont like what I see
greed and fear
in a "world" I dont understand
speaking a language I dont grasp
involving thinking I do too much of
longer hours enclosed
wearing clothes I feel uncomfortable in
I feel a door is closing
I feel like I am closing a door
willingly with love
letting go
And Acceptance is the answer... P417
Do I want to be right or happy?
Happy!
I'm off, more prayers on the beach
with the Great Ocean
Happy, joyful, funfilled healthy new year!
May you feel real love in the home
that you live in
channel ALL that life you have
running through your veins
into becoming usefully whole
always forgives
pray honestly
ask for anything you want in a childlike way
and God will give you what you need
in a Parental way
Talk to Him like no other
because He is like no other
Pray, talk, whisper,
mumble, yell
outloud, in silence
in a crowd, alone
on a beach, in the city
Do it often
like someone you want a relationship with
build it, grow it
learn to listen
and listen to learn
you will get to know
how God communicates with you
he really does
that voice
hear that voice again
you will recognise it
it will come often
and sometimes seemingly random
Heaven stands still
everytime you pray
God allows us to have what we want
if we really want it
and he also allows us the consequences
comfortable and uncomfortable
he has a plan, a good plan
I have everything I need already
I am tired
my motives have changed
my dream became reality
and I saw what the future holds
by following that dream
and I dont like what I see
greed and fear
in a "world" I dont understand
speaking a language I dont grasp
involving thinking I do too much of
longer hours enclosed
wearing clothes I feel uncomfortable in
I feel a door is closing
I feel like I am closing a door
willingly with love
letting go
And Acceptance is the answer... P417
Do I want to be right or happy?
Happy!
I'm off, more prayers on the beach
with the Great Ocean
Happy, joyful, funfilled healthy new year!
May you feel real love in the home
that you live in
channel ALL that life you have
running through your veins
into becoming usefully whole
Thursday, December 18, 2008
We had our Christmas Party tonight at work
I have NEVER seen so much FREE
beer, wine all kinds of booze
lying around in BUCKETS of ice
its true... NEVER!
arrived at 6
was ready to go by 6.30 haha
yeh its true the alcohol hadnt started working on THEM
they were still talking work
its dark, everyones tall
and no-one really knows whats going on
except that they know there is free booze
and its everywhere
I went out for some air and called an AA friend
who incidently is now pregnant with her AA husband
and it is Gods will they have children IVF finally worked!
Bless you!
Went back in, humour was appearing
talkied with a few people
caught up with some more
very small talk with others
went nuts with some more
playing chinese whispers
had a laugh or three
and went out for some more air
this time I prayed
it was around 8.15 time to go...
yeh its early, the fun people
were now drunk and the drunker people
mumbling
the rest were discussing managment politics
and small talking their way through
after a mad photo, gawd knows what its gonna be
and a hundred I love you's and kisses
and sad farewells to some thats leaving
I departed the building
Its time when there are approx 30 ice cold beers
and 15ish bottles of wine
scattered that I get jealous
why do I get jealous?
Because I cant drink like normal drinkers
I also accept it and know
especially at the moment
my sobriety is much more imprtant
than the 10 free shots I was offered...
So I am now home
wondering what it would have been like to be drunk
would it have been different this time
and knowing at the same time
the answer is
NOPE!
and listening to the question
am I sure?
YES!
Are you?
MOST OF US have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.
We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.
We alcoholics are men and women who have lost the ability to control our drinking. We know that no real alcoholic ever recovers control. All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals-usually brief-were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. We are convinced to a man that alcoholics of our type are in the grip of a progressive illness. Over any considerable period we get worse, never better.
We are like men who have lost their legs; they never grow new onesP31
Once an alcoholic
always an alcoholic
And Acceptance is the answer... P417/418
beer, wine all kinds of booze
lying around in BUCKETS of ice
its true... NEVER!
arrived at 6
was ready to go by 6.30 haha
yeh its true the alcohol hadnt started working on THEM
they were still talking work
its dark, everyones tall
and no-one really knows whats going on
except that they know there is free booze
and its everywhere
I went out for some air and called an AA friend
who incidently is now pregnant with her AA husband
and it is Gods will they have children IVF finally worked!
Bless you!
Went back in, humour was appearing
talkied with a few people
caught up with some more
very small talk with others
went nuts with some more
playing chinese whispers
had a laugh or three
and went out for some more air
this time I prayed
it was around 8.15 time to go...
yeh its early, the fun people
were now drunk and the drunker people
mumbling
the rest were discussing managment politics
and small talking their way through
after a mad photo, gawd knows what its gonna be
and a hundred I love you's and kisses
and sad farewells to some thats leaving
I departed the building
Its time when there are approx 30 ice cold beers
and 15ish bottles of wine
scattered that I get jealous
why do I get jealous?
Because I cant drink like normal drinkers
I also accept it and know
especially at the moment
my sobriety is much more imprtant
than the 10 free shots I was offered...
So I am now home
wondering what it would have been like to be drunk
would it have been different this time
and knowing at the same time
the answer is
NOPE!
and listening to the question
am I sure?
YES!
Are you?
MOST OF US have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.
We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.
We alcoholics are men and women who have lost the ability to control our drinking. We know that no real alcoholic ever recovers control. All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals-usually brief-were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. We are convinced to a man that alcoholics of our type are in the grip of a progressive illness. Over any considerable period we get worse, never better.
We are like men who have lost their legs; they never grow new onesP31
Once an alcoholic
always an alcoholic
And Acceptance is the answer... P417/418
Thursday, December 04, 2008
Wants and needs today
Spending time
in meditation and prayer
I have found some truth
with it ... some acceptance
No thing is more important
that my relationship with God
No thing, want, is worth losing
my physical or mental health sanity
God always gives us what we want
if we want it enough
and sometimes we suffer the consequences
of those wishes
Sometimes a dream
when it becomes a reality
is not what it seemed
and the reality is not
really in keeping
with today
and how I would like be, feel, live
Also sometimes
its necessary to be willing to let go
of what you really want
in order to find out whether
its meant to remain
what I really wanted then
I needed to know if its what I want now
and do I?
Do I really want it?
That thing
If you love someone/thing
you have to let it go
and if its meant to come back
it will
I agree
money, possessions, job, title
will not sustain happiness
long term
More prayer required
Because I have no idea
about much
All I know is that
I do not want another year like this
I was happy last year
I think
The promises are true
we can have anything we want
if we work for it
and I know this to be true
I am also knowing that
sometimes God given natural skills
combined with nurture
can mean not everything is
the right thing for us to do long term
some avenues are more dangerous long term
than others depending on whose walking down them
and what time in your life you are walking them
Sometimes getting what I want
is not necessarily what I need now
perhaps its time to let go absolutely
God will tell me when its time for me to know
in the meantime
keeping on
anylengths
which at the moment
includes a great deal of letting go
the first few verses
is like my heart singing to my "self"
letting it know
that it accepts myself will always be there
and is part of me
however my heart must be the motivator
it must be the one that drives
because it is the channel to God
and where God sits in me
and no matter what myself says
my heart cant take this
and myself is coming to believe its true
and self also doesnt want heart to suffer like this
in its current form
its not working
my heart has to be true to itSELF
It is in too deep
what you have given me is in there
deep in there
To thine own self be true
If I dont Let Go of myself (all of me)
I will not grow
And I know now that if one door
is closing no matter how slowly
there will be another one opening
which I havent spotted yet
see ya
in meditation and prayer
I have found some truth
with it ... some acceptance
No thing is more important
that my relationship with God
No thing, want, is worth losing
my physical or mental health sanity
God always gives us what we want
if we want it enough
and sometimes we suffer the consequences
of those wishes
Sometimes a dream
when it becomes a reality
is not what it seemed
and the reality is not
really in keeping
with today
and how I would like be, feel, live
Also sometimes
its necessary to be willing to let go
of what you really want
in order to find out whether
its meant to remain
what I really wanted then
I needed to know if its what I want now
and do I?
Do I really want it?
That thing
If you love someone/thing
you have to let it go
and if its meant to come back
it will
I agree
money, possessions, job, title
will not sustain happiness
long term
More prayer required
Because I have no idea
about much
All I know is that
I do not want another year like this
I was happy last year
I think
The promises are true
we can have anything we want
if we work for it
and I know this to be true
I am also knowing that
sometimes God given natural skills
combined with nurture
can mean not everything is
the right thing for us to do long term
some avenues are more dangerous long term
than others depending on whose walking down them
and what time in your life you are walking them
Sometimes getting what I want
is not necessarily what I need now
perhaps its time to let go absolutely
God will tell me when its time for me to know
in the meantime
keeping on
anylengths
which at the moment
includes a great deal of letting go
the first few verses
is like my heart singing to my "self"
letting it know
that it accepts myself will always be there
and is part of me
however my heart must be the motivator
it must be the one that drives
because it is the channel to God
and where God sits in me
and no matter what myself says
my heart cant take this
and myself is coming to believe its true
and self also doesnt want heart to suffer like this
in its current form
its not working
my heart has to be true to itSELF
It is in too deep
what you have given me is in there
deep in there
To thine own self be true
If I dont Let Go of myself (all of me)
I will not grow
And I know now that if one door
is closing no matter how slowly
there will be another one opening
which I havent spotted yet
see ya
Monday, November 24, 2008
Do what you can . Not what you cant . or and acceptance is the answer...
I have accepted that changing
IS taking place whether I embrace it or not
and although I didnt know I was fighting it
my physical health tells me I have been
Its official I have let go some!
and I am changing, transforming
into what? God knows
Do what you can
not what you cant
I have been feeling less than
because I havent been able to do things
which I see my AA peers doing
and wondering whether I am making the progress
I think I am
and no matter how much
I try and do them things
its not possible
the doors keep shutting
I remain willing though
I am accepting sponsorship is
not on Gods plan for me at the moment
what I am seeing is that
he wants me integrating locally
not as an alcoholic
but as a good human being
(that you made me)
I found a local church
not of the denomination I would have
ordinarily chosen
but I went and joined in some
err fellowship believe it or not
and felt welcomed, part of
yeh its pretty lonely here
studying and working
meeting times are few and far between
BUT they would have been had I not moved
this is NOT a location issue
energy levels are depleting
God found me a church 7minutes walk away
in the heart of the neighbourhood
and they are active in stuff
also whats been suggested is
some voluntary work locally
to compliment my studies
i have no idea how I am to fit all this in
i am knackered already
but what I do know
is that if God wants me doing it
he WILL provide me what I need to do it
Its pretty challenging trying to figure out
what Gods will is for me
because it keeps changing
i know not to fight it
but what I dont know yet is often how to recognise
the change over signals
i'm still trying to climb the barbed wire fence
to what I know, what is familiar
when actually he wants me somewhere else
thats why the fence went up
Nightmares are coming
weird stuff
I mean weird
fraid of sleeping again
although that wont stop me
its all part of my mind reacting to the change
it knows is coming
all part of acceptance completely
This last week or so I am questioning
why I am studying
I am finding it very difficult
doing it, working out whats required
and fitting it all in
with work as well and all that
i dunno whats gonna happen
its affecting work
and work is affecting study
I am struggling to separate the two
so the desparate part of me says
well quit the course then!
the faithful and truthful part goes
well you only want to quit cos you
dont want to fail or get a crap mark!
and whet the heck will I do
IF I dont do this?
dispappear back into the rooms
and become a meeting junkie
and get bitter... like I used to be
if nothing changes they stop as they are
and for this ex drunk, who never took risks
life has become one continual risk
RECENTLY
its a flippin good job you are here GOD
and I am with you GOD
what the feck
I am freezing
cant get my heating to work properly
making do... with what I have
NOT what I havent!
Duvets, sweaters, layers
whats that no one ever died from cold!
err yes they did haha...
I am not that cold! exagerating
but its cold...
and when I was in the great war
we never had heating
only candles and fingerless gloves
ok, i'm off to do some more study
make another cuppa coffee
make an honest attempt
at another assignment
and see what happens
yours knackerdly grateful and sober
smiling with a snot icicle forming
God said
Johno remember you agreed to go to anylengths
My will not yours be done
well you are!
that praying you stepped out and did during the day?
do more of it
and that reading you did this morning?
do it again tomorrow
blind faith, obedience
discipline
persistance with less resistance
get on with it
and trust me
I love you
ok...ok
I love You too
IS taking place whether I embrace it or not
and although I didnt know I was fighting it
my physical health tells me I have been
Its official I have let go some!
and I am changing, transforming
into what? God knows
Do what you can
not what you cant
I have been feeling less than
because I havent been able to do things
which I see my AA peers doing
and wondering whether I am making the progress
I think I am
and no matter how much
I try and do them things
its not possible
the doors keep shutting
I remain willing though
I am accepting sponsorship is
not on Gods plan for me at the moment
what I am seeing is that
he wants me integrating locally
not as an alcoholic
but as a good human being
(that you made me)
I found a local church
not of the denomination I would have
ordinarily chosen
but I went and joined in some
err fellowship believe it or not
and felt welcomed, part of
yeh its pretty lonely here
studying and working
meeting times are few and far between
BUT they would have been had I not moved
this is NOT a location issue
energy levels are depleting
God found me a church 7minutes walk away
in the heart of the neighbourhood
and they are active in stuff
also whats been suggested is
some voluntary work locally
to compliment my studies
i have no idea how I am to fit all this in
i am knackered already
but what I do know
is that if God wants me doing it
he WILL provide me what I need to do it
Its pretty challenging trying to figure out
what Gods will is for me
because it keeps changing
i know not to fight it
but what I dont know yet is often how to recognise
the change over signals
i'm still trying to climb the barbed wire fence
to what I know, what is familiar
when actually he wants me somewhere else
thats why the fence went up
Nightmares are coming
weird stuff
I mean weird
fraid of sleeping again
although that wont stop me
its all part of my mind reacting to the change
it knows is coming
all part of acceptance completely
This last week or so I am questioning
why I am studying
I am finding it very difficult
doing it, working out whats required
and fitting it all in
with work as well and all that
i dunno whats gonna happen
its affecting work
and work is affecting study
I am struggling to separate the two
so the desparate part of me says
well quit the course then!
the faithful and truthful part goes
well you only want to quit cos you
dont want to fail or get a crap mark!
and whet the heck will I do
IF I dont do this?
dispappear back into the rooms
and become a meeting junkie
and get bitter... like I used to be
if nothing changes they stop as they are
and for this ex drunk, who never took risks
life has become one continual risk
RECENTLY
its a flippin good job you are here GOD
and I am with you GOD
what the feck
I am freezing
cant get my heating to work properly
making do... with what I have
NOT what I havent!
Duvets, sweaters, layers
whats that no one ever died from cold!
err yes they did haha...
I am not that cold! exagerating
but its cold...
and when I was in the great war
we never had heating
only candles and fingerless gloves
ok, i'm off to do some more study
make another cuppa coffee
make an honest attempt
at another assignment
and see what happens
yours knackerdly grateful and sober
smiling with a snot icicle forming
God said
Johno remember you agreed to go to anylengths
My will not yours be done
well you are!
that praying you stepped out and did during the day?
do more of it
and that reading you did this morning?
do it again tomorrow
blind faith, obedience
discipline
persistance with less resistance
get on with it
and trust me
I love you
ok...ok
I love You too
Saturday, November 08, 2008
Humility
Humility
Humility is rare because to have it you have to want nothing, yet when you have it you get everything.
Innerspace
Elton John - Can you feel the love tonight?
Humility is rare because to have it you have to want nothing, yet when you have it you get everything.
Innerspace
Elton John - Can you feel the love tonight?
Saturday, October 18, 2008
6 more sleeps....
then i move
boxing up all my stuff
I thought I had done loads already
seems to justr keep finding stuff!!
and very little rubbish
I have thrown loads away
over the last year or so!!
thank goodness
anyway
I have no idea
when I am going to study
I have no idea
I am just keeping going until
i need to sleep!!
eating and sleeping and praying
and boxing
Moral dilemm over
I have bought a new toilet seat
I will enjoy it
for the next few days...
you know I try and not
get excited about my dad
helping out
because its just so rare
but I felt like a turning point
when they offered
now he cut the days down by one today
I feel happy he's helping atall
kind of a miracle
although I cant deny my disappointment
that its so short
however from what he said today
they will come armed with
toolbox and rubber gloves
they will come again for a long weekend
when I next take some time off...
this is not something I normally do
take long weekends unless I go away
perhaps times are a changing
perhaps.. i dunno
ok, back to today
back to my boxes
3 friends have had babies this year
all gifts of recovery
its lovely
have a great rest of weekend
whatever you do
:)
boxing up all my stuff
I thought I had done loads already
seems to justr keep finding stuff!!
and very little rubbish
I have thrown loads away
over the last year or so!!
thank goodness
anyway
I have no idea
when I am going to study
I have no idea
I am just keeping going until
i need to sleep!!
eating and sleeping and praying
and boxing
Moral dilemm over
I have bought a new toilet seat
I will enjoy it
for the next few days...
you know I try and not
get excited about my dad
helping out
because its just so rare
but I felt like a turning point
when they offered
now he cut the days down by one today
I feel happy he's helping atall
kind of a miracle
although I cant deny my disappointment
that its so short
however from what he said today
they will come armed with
toolbox and rubber gloves
they will come again for a long weekend
when I next take some time off...
this is not something I normally do
take long weekends unless I go away
perhaps times are a changing
perhaps.. i dunno
ok, back to today
back to my boxes
3 friends have had babies this year
all gifts of recovery
its lovely
have a great rest of weekend
whatever you do
:)
Wednesday, October 01, 2008
You dont always get what you want... you get what you need
Good news
Blood tests all fine
Good news
further referral for physio
keep taking the tablets for now
try lower dose
see how the symptoms are...then
Bad news
at work
Good news
Back at Uni
and i feel a REAL sense of relief
that 3 nights a week
unless the uni falls down
I attend lectures
and take part
follow instructions
a certain amount of security and .. control
Keep it in the day
I am going to take inventory
pray for all the defects to be removed
and pray for fear around money to be removed
pray to keep my mouth shut
and accept that
its ultimately the market thats done it
not the indivuidual
see as I say that I can come up with a reason
why its the individual's fault
and I would be right
... but does right make me happy? Nope
then I have to shut up, let go and pray!
Bottom line
Grateful
I have a job I can do and like
I have fixable health
Uni near work
hospital near work
needs not wants
Pray tonight for care and guidance
love and tolerence
and to be reminded that
there are VERY many people I work with
feeling financial insecurity
just like me
AND harder!
but as usual I compare my insides
with their outsides!
and feel like I am the only one
DOH!
You cant always get what you want
You cant always get what you want
you cant always get what you
but if you try sometimes
you might find....
you get what you need
Courage
Courage is to take a step forward into an area of difficulty without a solution in mind, but yet feeling that victory is ahead. It is going empty handed, but knowing that God's hand is stretched out to pull you.
Here I am! No financial solution
Faith
Tell me when its time!
Blood tests all fine
Good news
further referral for physio
keep taking the tablets for now
try lower dose
see how the symptoms are...then
Bad news
at work
Good news
Back at Uni
and i feel a REAL sense of relief
that 3 nights a week
unless the uni falls down
I attend lectures
and take part
follow instructions
a certain amount of security and .. control
Keep it in the day
I am going to take inventory
pray for all the defects to be removed
and pray for fear around money to be removed
pray to keep my mouth shut
and accept that
its ultimately the market thats done it
not the indivuidual
see as I say that I can come up with a reason
why its the individual's fault
and I would be right
... but does right make me happy? Nope
then I have to shut up, let go and pray!
Bottom line
Grateful
I have a job I can do and like
I have fixable health
Uni near work
hospital near work
needs not wants
Pray tonight for care and guidance
love and tolerence
and to be reminded that
there are VERY many people I work with
feeling financial insecurity
just like me
AND harder!
but as usual I compare my insides
with their outsides!
and feel like I am the only one
DOH!
You cant always get what you want
You cant always get what you want
you cant always get what you
but if you try sometimes
you might find....
you get what you need
Courage
Courage is to take a step forward into an area of difficulty without a solution in mind, but yet feeling that victory is ahead. It is going empty handed, but knowing that God's hand is stretched out to pull you.
Here I am! No financial solution
Faith
Tell me when its time!
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Hallelujah - Shrek
I just learned to play this
enjoy! though its REALLY melancoly
so enjoy seems the wrong word!
Guitar Chords - Jeff Buckley version
I use capo on 2
Hallelujah - Rufus Wainwright version (Shrek)
enjoy! though its REALLY melancoly
so enjoy seems the wrong word!
Guitar Chords - Jeff Buckley version
I use capo on 2
Hallelujah - Rufus Wainwright version (Shrek)
Monday, September 08, 2008
Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely. P58 - Roar!
Is not our age characterized by the ease with which we discard old ideas for new, by the complete readiness with which we throw away the theory or gadget which does not work for something new which does? P52
This is a higgledy piggledy
but its exactly how I feel today
its all there
but coming around in the wrong order
I KNOW WHAT I MEAN! kind of day...
Almost a kind of acceptance that I have faith
and I need to do the next right thing regardless
and I am enough
now is not the time for proving anything
just be myself
like I was 2 weeks ago
the footwork is done really
I just need to continue and maintain
the standards I have already met
and just keep doing it
and have faith
let go absolutely!!
AND
Be prepared to look at this from an entirely different angle! P66
"Dont Crack up
Bend your brains
See both sides
Throw of your mental chains
Woo hoo hoo!!
New Song
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5vwRRM9Kwjc&feature=related
We had to ask ourselves why we shouldn´t apply to our human problems this same readiness to change our point of view. We were having trouble with personal relationships, we couldn´t control our emotional natures, we were a prey to misery and depression, we couldn´t make a living, we had a feeling of uselessness, we were full of fear, we were unhappy, we couldn´t seem to be of real help to other people-was not a basic solution of these bedevilments more important than whether we should see newsreels of lunar flight? Of course it was.
When we saw others solve their problems by a simple reliance upon the Spirit of the Universe, we had to stop doubting the power of God. Our ideas did not work. But the God idea did.
When we saw others solve their problems by a simple reliance upon the Spirit of the Universe, we had to stop doubting the power of God. Our ideas did not work. But the God idea did. P52
Today
Restraint of tongue and pen
do whats required not what I think eeds doing
pray loads
take inventory
pray loads
stop worrying
We began to see that the world and its people really dominated us. In that state, the wrong-doing of others, fancied or real, had power to actually kill. How could we escape? We saw that these resentments must be mastered, but how? We could not wish them away any more than alcohol.P66
Dont sit at home feeling restless irritable and discontented
Go and get you hair cut
Go to a meeting
share your experience
ask for help
show yourREALself in good times and challenging times
There is scarcely any form of trouble and misery which has not been overcome among us. P15
without my pride
listen to what tools are out there that I have forgotten TODAY
and receive strength from a strong AA meeting
receive guidance
do whats suggested
Suggestions
Read working with others
keep praying
Roar!
Came out of the meeting
and ROARED very loudly!! (like a lion)
God i needed that
have you tried roaring?
trying it
its much more healing than a scream
in fact i dont think I could summon a scream
ROARING like a lion is far cooler!!
if you get it right
it comes from the solar plexis
it felt that good
I did it again
much to the amusement of
myself and others
yeh we laughed!
Sponsor - "if this makes you do more praying..."
yeh i know... thats a good thing!
This is a higgledy piggledy
but its exactly how I feel today
its all there
but coming around in the wrong order
I KNOW WHAT I MEAN! kind of day...
Almost a kind of acceptance that I have faith
and I need to do the next right thing regardless
and I am enough
now is not the time for proving anything
just be myself
like I was 2 weeks ago
the footwork is done really
I just need to continue and maintain
the standards I have already met
and just keep doing it
and have faith
let go absolutely!!
AND
Be prepared to look at this from an entirely different angle! P66
"Dont Crack up
Bend your brains
See both sides
Throw of your mental chains
Woo hoo hoo!!
New Song
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5vwRRM9Kwjc&feature=related
We had to ask ourselves why we shouldn´t apply to our human problems this same readiness to change our point of view. We were having trouble with personal relationships, we couldn´t control our emotional natures, we were a prey to misery and depression, we couldn´t make a living, we had a feeling of uselessness, we were full of fear, we were unhappy, we couldn´t seem to be of real help to other people-was not a basic solution of these bedevilments more important than whether we should see newsreels of lunar flight? Of course it was.
When we saw others solve their problems by a simple reliance upon the Spirit of the Universe, we had to stop doubting the power of God. Our ideas did not work. But the God idea did.
When we saw others solve their problems by a simple reliance upon the Spirit of the Universe, we had to stop doubting the power of God. Our ideas did not work. But the God idea did. P52
Today
Restraint of tongue and pen
do whats required not what I think eeds doing
pray loads
take inventory
pray loads
stop worrying
We began to see that the world and its people really dominated us. In that state, the wrong-doing of others, fancied or real, had power to actually kill. How could we escape? We saw that these resentments must be mastered, but how? We could not wish them away any more than alcohol.P66
Dont sit at home feeling restless irritable and discontented
Go and get you hair cut
Go to a meeting
share your experience
ask for help
show yourREALself in good times and challenging times
There is scarcely any form of trouble and misery which has not been overcome among us. P15
without my pride
listen to what tools are out there that I have forgotten TODAY
and receive strength from a strong AA meeting
receive guidance
do whats suggested
Suggestions
Read working with others
keep praying
Roar!
Came out of the meeting
and ROARED very loudly!! (like a lion)
God i needed that
have you tried roaring?
trying it
its much more healing than a scream
in fact i dont think I could summon a scream
ROARING like a lion is far cooler!!
if you get it right
it comes from the solar plexis
it felt that good
I did it again
much to the amusement of
myself and others
yeh we laughed!
Sponsor - "if this makes you do more praying..."
yeh i know... thats a good thing!
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
A look at the alcoholic in your organization is many times illuminating. Is he not usually brilliant, fast-thinking, imaginative and likable? p139
A look at the alcoholic in your organization is many times illuminating. Is he not usually brilliant, fast-thinking, imaginative and likable? When sober, does he not work hard and have a knack of getting things done? P139 P140
I am sure the reading one night
P417-P418 Big Book 4th edition
And acceptance is the answer...
absolutely was a turning point.. my admission
of powerlessness and unmanageabilityP59
at the beginning was the start of my recovery
is still a key tool in my daily living today
I have accepted
a) I am "at risk" of redundancy
b) That I am actually useful and effective in the workplace P139/140
c) Many people agree & like me P139/140 I am a text book case!
d) I have a better than average chance of staying
e) I am to continue to do what I do until I know
f) Our business has taken its own inventory P64 its not personal
g) Its about me being pro active not reactive
h) There is no place for loafers in a credit crunch
i) I have to be selfish
h) I must also be selfless
j) They used the words
"for some this will be a turning point"P59
in the bad news speak "especially for me" haha
h) praying works
i) restraint of tongue and pen is essential (12x12)
f) honesty is essential P13
g) willingness P13 & flexibility is essential
h) openmindedness is essential (Faith) P13
i) I am now properly armed with the facts about myselfP18 (in the workplace)
and my evidence if valuable assets/skills
which I HAVE learned/gained/worked for
over the last 25 years, though previously brought
any "success" crashing down P123 on top of me whilst drinking
unable to manage maintaining and growing any position
j) I could keep quiet and not blog til its over just incase
I get ousted and then I wouldnt have to tell you I could just
say I was let go, BUT I cant! its slothful
so i will try to show you
how it works in my life whichever way it goes..., and at the same
time evidence to myself (and you)
that it is a design for living
even in rough going P15
h) I went into shock Monday, mixed with all of the above
i) my body is reacting though my mind and spirit are strong
j) 6-10pm Monday night phone service
followed by no sleep, so I went to the
6am big book meeting (It was up to page 8 Bills Story
you know where it talks of disater in the finacial areas
and people jumping from skyscrapers...
there are no coincidences!!
followed immediately
by the 7.30am city meeting Tuesday morning
and was at work by 8.40am...
yes I slept really well Tuesday night!
k) I have to be gentle with myself H.A.L.T.
though keep on at the same time
awareness of physical needs are essential
l) I have been praying for his Words not mine
and His Will and the Power to carry it out
m) Its my responsibility to pick up the tools and use them
n) Working with others (suffering/floundering with the news)
is essential (it helps me!)
o) God provides me with all the answers I need in his time
p) I have quit the debating society infact I didnt join (12x12)
q) Praying for people works P67
r) AA meetings are a huge rock and a cuddly oak tree P152
s) 2.5 hours yoga was exactly what I needed tonight
t) I am negotiating a sale and a purchase and will be
moving to the seaside in the next 6 weeks P164
u) My job will change in the next 4 weeks P164
w) I am starting Uni 3 evening a week in 4 weeks P164
x) I am pre-mentual for a bit longer
y) I have not wanted to drink or die
z) God doesnt give me more than I can handle EVER
Our Big Book rocks doesnt it!!
I forgot there was a word verification thing on my comments
its now off!
and I am still amazed that a brief conversation with my
sponsor about by frustration at work
resulted in me praying lots sunday evening
I didnt know about Monday then... not being a psychic yet!
things could have been very different
I had not made that call to her
or those prayers!
and NOT restrained my tongue!
until God had given me the go ahead when he was ready
Why dont i talk to her more often? I still ask myself
because the tools work on everything
She does not know everything and she doesnt have power
pride and arrogance at times cause me to delay
Self will
Oh well... its a complete turnaround
from how it used to be
no longer over reliant and needy :)
And the government increased the stamp duty threshold today! hoorah
right i'm off to bed
I am sure the reading one night
P417-P418 Big Book 4th edition
And acceptance is the answer...
absolutely was a turning point.. my admission
of powerlessness and unmanageabilityP59
at the beginning was the start of my recovery
is still a key tool in my daily living today
I have accepted
a) I am "at risk" of redundancy
b) That I am actually useful and effective in the workplace P139/140
c) Many people agree & like me P139/140 I am a text book case!
d) I have a better than average chance of staying
e) I am to continue to do what I do until I know
f) Our business has taken its own inventory P64 its not personal
g) Its about me being pro active not reactive
h) There is no place for loafers in a credit crunch
i) I have to be selfish
h) I must also be selfless
j) They used the words
"for some this will be a turning point"P59
in the bad news speak "especially for me" haha
h) praying works
i) restraint of tongue and pen is essential (12x12)
f) honesty is essential P13
g) willingness P13 & flexibility is essential
h) openmindedness is essential (Faith) P13
i) I am now properly armed with the facts about myselfP18 (in the workplace)
and my evidence if valuable assets/skills
which I HAVE learned/gained/worked for
over the last 25 years, though previously brought
any "success" crashing down P123 on top of me whilst drinking
unable to manage maintaining and growing any position
j) I could keep quiet and not blog til its over just incase
I get ousted and then I wouldnt have to tell you I could just
say I was let go, BUT I cant! its slothful
so i will try to show you
how it works in my life whichever way it goes..., and at the same
time evidence to myself (and you)
that it is a design for living
even in rough going P15
h) I went into shock Monday, mixed with all of the above
i) my body is reacting though my mind and spirit are strong
j) 6-10pm Monday night phone service
followed by no sleep, so I went to the
6am big book meeting (It was up to page 8 Bills Story
you know where it talks of disater in the finacial areas
and people jumping from skyscrapers...
there are no coincidences!!
followed immediately
by the 7.30am city meeting Tuesday morning
and was at work by 8.40am...
yes I slept really well Tuesday night!
k) I have to be gentle with myself H.A.L.T.
though keep on at the same time
awareness of physical needs are essential
l) I have been praying for his Words not mine
and His Will and the Power to carry it out
m) Its my responsibility to pick up the tools and use them
n) Working with others (suffering/floundering with the news)
is essential (it helps me!)
o) God provides me with all the answers I need in his time
p) I have quit the debating society infact I didnt join (12x12)
q) Praying for people works P67
r) AA meetings are a huge rock and a cuddly oak tree P152
s) 2.5 hours yoga was exactly what I needed tonight
t) I am negotiating a sale and a purchase and will be
moving to the seaside in the next 6 weeks P164
u) My job will change in the next 4 weeks P164
w) I am starting Uni 3 evening a week in 4 weeks P164
x) I am pre-mentual for a bit longer
y) I have not wanted to drink or die
z) God doesnt give me more than I can handle EVER
Our Big Book rocks doesnt it!!
I forgot there was a word verification thing on my comments
its now off!
and I am still amazed that a brief conversation with my
sponsor about by frustration at work
resulted in me praying lots sunday evening
I didnt know about Monday then... not being a psychic yet!
things could have been very different
I had not made that call to her
or those prayers!
and NOT restrained my tongue!
until God had given me the go ahead when he was ready
Why dont i talk to her more often? I still ask myself
because the tools work on everything
She does not know everything and she doesnt have power
pride and arrogance at times cause me to delay
Self will
Oh well... its a complete turnaround
from how it used to be
no longer over reliant and needy :)
And the government increased the stamp duty threshold today! hoorah
right i'm off to bed
Monday, August 25, 2008
Knowing Gods will is not enough - action is required to carry it out
First Step
We tend to see things not as they are but as we are.
Becoming quiet and simple inside is a first step to seeing things truly.
From Inner Space
yes the bus outside has squeaky brakes and its annoying me
no the bus outside has squeaky brakes regardless
of whether I am here or not
its not doing it to annoy me
everyone in the vicinity can also hear it
its not personal
yes The forms I am filling in
are really tedious and hard to sit and do
no the forms are standard forms
they are not tedious and hard
because they are not a familiar activity to me
they are just forms
silent pieces of paper with printing on them
not dangerous or emotionally disturbing
everyone fills them going through this process
its not personal
yes people will judge me
question me
say things which I see to be untrue
in relation to me which I take as critic
not accepting
not encouraging
regarding the bus
well ear plugs
or just tune out like i do mostly
regarding the forms
start at the beginning and fill them
in step by step
then send them off
its part of the process
regarding people
its not personal!
its just their perception
of how I appear to them
I do it too
judge others
not react enthusiastic
sometimes, while things get processed
in my head
I must do... I am human
like you
self will... self centredness
I dont want things to be how they are
these things a deliberatly meant/sent
to try me
its all too hard...
I dont want to...
I cant..
all dishonest
see I dont have to do any of this!
we make our own misery
or we can see it as the character building stuff
that following things through
being responsible carries
which ultimately leads to the joys
and freedom
And Acceptance is the answer
This is where will power is required
inorder to follow through to Gods will
it doesnt say
get the promises and then
keep taking inventory
keep praying for forgiveness
and intuition
and then do nothing with it
does it?
nah once you know
its more action!
step 12 action inside and outside the room
It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God’s will into all of our activities. “How can I best serve Thee-Thy will (not mine) be done.” These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our will power along this line all we wish. It is the proper use of the will.
Much has already been said about receiving strength, inspiration, and direction from Him who has all knowledge and power. If we have carefully followed directions, we have begun to sense the flow of His Spirit into us. To some extent we have become God-conscious. We have begun to develop this vital sixth sense. But we must go further and that means more action.P85
On awakening let us think about the twenty-four hours ahead. We consider our plans for the day. Before we begin, we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives. Under these conditions we can employ our mental faculties with assurance, for after all God gave us brains to use. Our thought-life will be placed on a much higher plane when our thinking is cleared of wrong motives.p86
We alcoholics are undisciplined. So we let God discipline us in the simple way we have just outlined. But this is not all. There is action and more action. “Faith without works is dead.” P88
We tend to see things not as they are but as we are.
Becoming quiet and simple inside is a first step to seeing things truly.
From Inner Space
yes the bus outside has squeaky brakes and its annoying me
no the bus outside has squeaky brakes regardless
of whether I am here or not
its not doing it to annoy me
everyone in the vicinity can also hear it
its not personal
yes The forms I am filling in
are really tedious and hard to sit and do
no the forms are standard forms
they are not tedious and hard
because they are not a familiar activity to me
they are just forms
silent pieces of paper with printing on them
not dangerous or emotionally disturbing
everyone fills them going through this process
its not personal
yes people will judge me
question me
say things which I see to be untrue
in relation to me which I take as critic
not accepting
not encouraging
regarding the bus
well ear plugs
or just tune out like i do mostly
regarding the forms
start at the beginning and fill them
in step by step
then send them off
its part of the process
regarding people
its not personal!
its just their perception
of how I appear to them
I do it too
judge others
not react enthusiastic
sometimes, while things get processed
in my head
I must do... I am human
like you
self will... self centredness
I dont want things to be how they are
these things a deliberatly meant/sent
to try me
its all too hard...
I dont want to...
I cant..
all dishonest
see I dont have to do any of this!
we make our own misery
or we can see it as the character building stuff
that following things through
being responsible carries
which ultimately leads to the joys
and freedom
And Acceptance is the answer
This is where will power is required
inorder to follow through to Gods will
it doesnt say
get the promises and then
keep taking inventory
keep praying for forgiveness
and intuition
and then do nothing with it
does it?
nah once you know
its more action!
step 12 action inside and outside the room
It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God’s will into all of our activities. “How can I best serve Thee-Thy will (not mine) be done.” These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our will power along this line all we wish. It is the proper use of the will.
Much has already been said about receiving strength, inspiration, and direction from Him who has all knowledge and power. If we have carefully followed directions, we have begun to sense the flow of His Spirit into us. To some extent we have become God-conscious. We have begun to develop this vital sixth sense. But we must go further and that means more action.P85
On awakening let us think about the twenty-four hours ahead. We consider our plans for the day. Before we begin, we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives. Under these conditions we can employ our mental faculties with assurance, for after all God gave us brains to use. Our thought-life will be placed on a much higher plane when our thinking is cleared of wrong motives.p86
We alcoholics are undisciplined. So we let God discipline us in the simple way we have just outlined. But this is not all. There is action and more action. “Faith without works is dead.” P88
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Remind the prospect that his recovery is not dependent upon people. It is dependent upon his relationship with God.p99,100
Strength
Contentment is a great strength. It comes when a person lives in honesty and simplicity. Contentment means we have overcome useless desires. It is said that you can discern a person's truth from their level of contentment.
From Inner Space
Contentment is a great strength.
I suppose I havent really though of it as a strength
except if i think of how it would be to be
restless irritable & DIS contented. xxvi THE DOCTOR'S OPINION
then I feel less than
unworthy, paranoid
weak not strong
powerless
It comes when a person lives in honesty and simplicity.
to thine own self be true
rigorous honesty
to be honest
acceptance
of the present
what I have or haven't
who I am and am not
how it is and is not
happy not necessarily right
keeping it simple
the truth
keeping it real
Contentment means we have overcome useless desires.
me living it not expecting you to live it
and me experience it
no fantasy
not predicting
not assuming
not attachment
not the holding onto the past
nor the future
not grasping for people or things
not fixing
not sulking
not expecting
not waiting for
not dying for
not living for
not giving up
not keeping hold of
its letting go
It is said that you can discern a person's truth from their level of contentment.
To this I say
only if they show you themselves
their perfectness and their imperfectness
and even then, even if
it could all change within
30 minutes!
thats my view of what contentment looks like
and theirs!
I say this because when I hold back
when through fear, pride and arrogance
its felt
and my apparant contentment
which seemed so attractive
can falter within seconds
and appear false!
I cant see or feel your insides
on what your outsides look like!
or purely on what you choose to show me
when the two do not appear as one
ie no apparant admission of virtues
nor apparant admission of defects
it is not attractive
spiritual or honest
infact its unattractive
controlling
thoughtless
confusing
I say this because when I hold back
when through fear, pride and arrogance
its felt
and what i feel at any given moment
is not necessarily when you see and feel
at the same moment
there is sometimes a time difference
I am really seeing how
fear, pride and jealousy
prevent people from
showing their imperfect selves
and they disappear
to another circle
in an avoidance
of someone finding out
who they really are
or taking responsibility
maintaining a relationship
at any level takes effort
to say I am jealous...
and to continue to stick around
takes effort and courage
to say I am scared of whats going on
takes effort and courage
and yet others come right out and say
stuff without fear of anything
people myself included
continue to suprise me...
I say this because when I hold back
when through fear, pride and arrogance
its felt
Am I being judgemental?
Yes
Am I learning about
normal human behaviour
of the non alky and the alky?
yes
Do I behave the same way?
yes I have done
can/will do again no doubt
Its interesting though
How fear of rejection
fear of what some one will think of me
fear of being alone (no friends!)
prevents me from leaving someone alone
saying no
what is my definition of what a friend is anyway?
friendship?
is it just another one of my old ideas
I MUST let go of
in order to
experience contentment?
is it just a cunning part of the mental
that grows neediness and loneliness?
and discontentment...
yes i know this to be!
and yet at the same time
humans naturally
need other humans
rejection of self and others
grows neediness and loneliness
in self and others
Speaking purely with God
is not enough
What God gives me
is always enough
People places and things
including me
are channels
for/of Gods work
and the message
Both you and the new man must walk day by day in the path of spiritual progress. If you persist, remarkable things will happen. When we look back, we realize that the things which came to us when we put ourselves in God’s hands were better than anything we could have planned. Follow the dictates of a Higher Power and you will presently live in a new and wonderful world, no matter what your present circumstances!p100
Contentment is a great strength. It comes when a person lives in honesty and simplicity. Contentment means we have overcome useless desires. It is said that you can discern a person's truth from their level of contentment.
From Inner Space
Contentment is a great strength.
I suppose I havent really though of it as a strength
except if i think of how it would be to be
restless irritable & DIS contented. xxvi THE DOCTOR'S OPINION
then I feel less than
unworthy, paranoid
weak not strong
powerless
It comes when a person lives in honesty and simplicity.
to thine own self be true
rigorous honesty
to be honest
acceptance
of the present
what I have or haven't
who I am and am not
how it is and is not
happy not necessarily right
keeping it simple
the truth
keeping it real
Contentment means we have overcome useless desires.
me living it not expecting you to live it
and me experience it
no fantasy
not predicting
not assuming
not attachment
not the holding onto the past
nor the future
not grasping for people or things
not fixing
not sulking
not expecting
not waiting for
not dying for
not living for
not giving up
not keeping hold of
its letting go
It is said that you can discern a person's truth from their level of contentment.
To this I say
only if they show you themselves
their perfectness and their imperfectness
and even then, even if
it could all change within
30 minutes!
thats my view of what contentment looks like
and theirs!
I say this because when I hold back
when through fear, pride and arrogance
its felt
and my apparant contentment
which seemed so attractive
can falter within seconds
and appear false!
I cant see or feel your insides
on what your outsides look like!
or purely on what you choose to show me
when the two do not appear as one
ie no apparant admission of virtues
nor apparant admission of defects
it is not attractive
spiritual or honest
infact its unattractive
controlling
thoughtless
confusing
I say this because when I hold back
when through fear, pride and arrogance
its felt
and what i feel at any given moment
is not necessarily when you see and feel
at the same moment
there is sometimes a time difference
I am really seeing how
fear, pride and jealousy
prevent people from
showing their imperfect selves
and they disappear
to another circle
in an avoidance
of someone finding out
who they really are
or taking responsibility
maintaining a relationship
at any level takes effort
to say I am jealous...
and to continue to stick around
takes effort and courage
to say I am scared of whats going on
takes effort and courage
and yet others come right out and say
stuff without fear of anything
people myself included
continue to suprise me...
I say this because when I hold back
when through fear, pride and arrogance
its felt
Am I being judgemental?
Yes
Am I learning about
normal human behaviour
of the non alky and the alky?
yes
Do I behave the same way?
yes I have done
can/will do again no doubt
Its interesting though
How fear of rejection
fear of what some one will think of me
fear of being alone (no friends!)
prevents me from leaving someone alone
saying no
what is my definition of what a friend is anyway?
friendship?
is it just another one of my old ideas
I MUST let go of
in order to
experience contentment?
is it just a cunning part of the mental
that grows neediness and loneliness?
and discontentment...
yes i know this to be!
and yet at the same time
humans naturally
need other humans
rejection of self and others
grows neediness and loneliness
in self and others
Speaking purely with God
is not enough
What God gives me
is always enough
People places and things
including me
are channels
for/of Gods work
and the message
Both you and the new man must walk day by day in the path of spiritual progress. If you persist, remarkable things will happen. When we look back, we realize that the things which came to us when we put ourselves in God’s hands were better than anything we could have planned. Follow the dictates of a Higher Power and you will presently live in a new and wonderful world, no matter what your present circumstances!p100
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Moving - its for real!!
I accepted an offer on my flat today
and got offer accepted on house
which ny heart moved to yesterday evening!
Its funny (well not really!)
yesterday I did very little praying through the day
and ran along on experience & knowledge
and got pretty anxious at times
spoke to my brother
and he told me straight
and put this in perspective
we only have one life
as a human anyway
who knows what I might come back as
aswell as a few other more practical things...
like if its what you want and you can afford it
then just do it!
I called up a mate who
I know used to be an estate agent
and blahed at her...
she empathised and said
yep play the game
you have to play the bidding game
and then just hand it over...
she had just been to a step 3 meeting
frik! it never entered my head step 3
I prayed but not on this
not before every phone call
before everything
like I seem to so often these days
its like in hurry and indecision
i forgot! hit a blank spot
self will run riot
I love my fellowship friends, sponsors whatever
seem to know when to chuck things in
i like that
in fact I love it!
sometimes I just need telling
yes you are a tw*t, now step 3 anyway!
Today I prayed before EVERY phone call
every thing I did
and its all been agreed in one day
a miracle or what!?
So I am moving to the coast
house with 2 gardens
bedroom windows that I can leave open at night
doors that lead into garden
fields nearby
swans and ducks on the lakes close by
oh yeh
and the sea with sandy/pebble beach just a short walk
finalise my moving over my mortgage tomorrow
so not out of the water yet!
although nearly there...
Went to next physio apt after work
arm and shoulder movement improving
the excersizes she gave me are working
and following her suggestions
regarding what not to do!
and went and did chair at home group
I dunno
and this morning got to work on time
and there was a newcomer at mtg very 1st one!
and I got home and a cheque on mat
could life really get better?
The only things I havent got
are marriage and kids!
well at my age its possible
God I will try and leave this one
entirely in your hands!
if you want to give me that aswell
well whatever
:)
If I die in the night
make sure they know
I am VERY happy
I am 4 years 364days sober
and very grateful
good night
and got offer accepted on house
which ny heart moved to yesterday evening!
Its funny (well not really!)
yesterday I did very little praying through the day
and ran along on experience & knowledge
and got pretty anxious at times
spoke to my brother
and he told me straight
and put this in perspective
we only have one life
as a human anyway
who knows what I might come back as
aswell as a few other more practical things...
like if its what you want and you can afford it
then just do it!
I called up a mate who
I know used to be an estate agent
and blahed at her...
she empathised and said
yep play the game
you have to play the bidding game
and then just hand it over...
she had just been to a step 3 meeting
frik! it never entered my head step 3
I prayed but not on this
not before every phone call
before everything
like I seem to so often these days
its like in hurry and indecision
i forgot! hit a blank spot
self will run riot
I love my fellowship friends, sponsors whatever
seem to know when to chuck things in
i like that
in fact I love it!
sometimes I just need telling
yes you are a tw*t, now step 3 anyway!
Today I prayed before EVERY phone call
every thing I did
and its all been agreed in one day
a miracle or what!?
So I am moving to the coast
house with 2 gardens
bedroom windows that I can leave open at night
doors that lead into garden
fields nearby
swans and ducks on the lakes close by
oh yeh
and the sea with sandy/pebble beach just a short walk
finalise my moving over my mortgage tomorrow
so not out of the water yet!
although nearly there...
Went to next physio apt after work
arm and shoulder movement improving
the excersizes she gave me are working
and following her suggestions
regarding what not to do!
and went and did chair at home group
I dunno
and this morning got to work on time
and there was a newcomer at mtg very 1st one!
and I got home and a cheque on mat
could life really get better?
The only things I havent got
are marriage and kids!
well at my age its possible
God I will try and leave this one
entirely in your hands!
if you want to give me that aswell
well whatever
:)
If I die in the night
make sure they know
I am VERY happy
I am 4 years 364days sober
and very grateful
good night
Saturday, August 09, 2008
Change & no coincidences
I am changing
and I dont know what into
I giess myself
I am angry at the moment
I cant stop moaning
about my perfect life!
well others see it as perfect
and I just want shut up
and talk all at the same time!
sometimes I think PMT is a liability
and sometimes its an asset
as how I really feel about people places and things
comes out and I cant hide!
and I have the change to
take stock and change
Something weird's going on
surreal night at home group
for 3 or 4 reasons
today was unreal too
dont know whats going on
everythings changing
and staying the same at the same time
whatever
is it a full moon or something?
I dont like it when I predict something
and it happens
even if its a good thing
its like being plugged in to this God stuff
and so is a few other people
yeh we are all one
some are more in tune than others
Hand in Hand with the spirit of the universe
God you are
we is
all are and is
at the same time
And Acceptance is the answer...
and I dont know what into
I giess myself
I am angry at the moment
I cant stop moaning
about my perfect life!
well others see it as perfect
and I just want shut up
and talk all at the same time!
sometimes I think PMT is a liability
and sometimes its an asset
as how I really feel about people places and things
comes out and I cant hide!
and I have the change to
take stock and change
Something weird's going on
surreal night at home group
for 3 or 4 reasons
today was unreal too
dont know whats going on
everythings changing
and staying the same at the same time
whatever
is it a full moon or something?
I dont like it when I predict something
and it happens
even if its a good thing
its like being plugged in to this God stuff
and so is a few other people
yeh we are all one
some are more in tune than others
Hand in Hand with the spirit of the universe
God you are
we is
all are and is
at the same time
And Acceptance is the answer...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)