Learn to Learn then Learn to Teach

learning how to learn
was invaluable at uni a few years ago
peaks and troughs
breaks
running with it for hours
and accepting nothings going in at certain times

it began with learning to read the big book
read it and keep reading even though
I think its not going in...
and being suprised when eventually
it starts to seep out
incoherently and then coherently
wanting it and working for it...

yet now its another area
or is it two at the same time
I have had an insight
a vision for me if you would
and now its my job
to work towards it
sometimes quickly sometimes slowly

now i am learning how to teach
learning how to lead
learning how to sing
and learning how to study
and learning how to preach
and learning how to play
and learning how to accept who I am
and learning how to accept
the person I am becoming

Quality not quantity - Calling on humilty required

Why am i amazed?
Because i am so self centred :-)

Went to 3 meetings this weekend
I can kid myself and say
Because i wanted to
Or accept its because i needed to
And these days i try and 
Honour my needs rather than 
My wants

Answers to prayers 
Tell me
Go pitch a tent in my own 
Neighbourhood

Feel like change is afoot
Am ready
If its Gods will
It will be ok
So no point in fighting
Doesnt mean it will be easy

Spiritual is being the woman
I am meant to be
Letting God
Prune, mould, shape, grow me
Accepting i am mishapen
And need shaping up :-)

It did me so much good
To be around local people
Raw and recovering
People like me that didnt want
To sit in the meeting
But DID because we KNEW
We needed it
Its feeling like its time to
Work with new newcomers again
Those 3 meeting acted like
Stabilisers for me this weekend
A chance to rebalance
Its not about drinking... (for now)
Its about emotional sobriety
Not carrying resentments round
Clocking people round the heads
With them whilst i am working thru them
Write it pray it talk it then repeat :-)


I am full in all areas
Yet i know if its Gods will
He will make time appear
Easily if i let him
Difficult if i hang onto stuff !!

As Stuart used to say
No Steps
No change
No sober

Changing times
And being amazed
Is also a joy of humility
Being teacheable
Letting others show me
There is another way
A entirely different angle
To look at everything
Alone i may not be tall
Enough to see 
With others in recovery
 i get lifted up
Always!!

Grateful for
Prayer, meditation
Keeping my mouth shut
Not retaliating
Being willing to fit in
Not change it to fit me

Let go absolutely
No hanging onto the
Corner of the towel
Because i think i need it!!!
Self centredness 

Back to basics in challenging times
The old timers gave us the 3 legacies
God bless them
Recovery - use the tools - steps - use the principles
Unity- with others - fellowship
Service - pass it on - help others

Resentment is the number 1 offender. It destroys more alkys
Than anything else

Do not underestimate this
Do not mess around
Life is precious
Recovery is a gift
5% alkys make it
Feel blessed
X

Programme of Action

Last week

Went into Meditation
Listening
and Prayer time
speaking
With God a I understand Him

Prompted to write a gratitude list
thats it?

next day
Huge wave of sadness and loss
unclear exactly what

next day
feelings of loss
feelings of change
not sure what still

next day
heart broken
soul unprotected
soul told me what it needed
soul told me what I was/nt doing
I heard what I needed to hear

and did what I needed to do

Its about
honesty
willingness
openminded
humility

raw, naked, vulnerable
and turned up breathing the next day
and started on a new footing
more honest again
this is about me
my actions and motives

Keep on Keeping on
programme of action
not thinking

do not delay

yeh its raw and hurts
and punctures my ego
but nothing like
the continual misery and hopelessness
I used to feel

this recovering emotional cripple
is getting cooked

I still cant quite believe
the chain of events last week
internal shift and external I suppose

The age of miracles is till with us p153

Growing pains
:)

frrrrreeeeezin here

72 Hours after - racing round the the hole in the sand

Am telling you
there are no coincidences
why people are put in our paths
I feel so blessed at times
completely humbled and ungrateful
because I overlook
how much I have been helped
and how much better it is
to be honest
not vague

the hole in the sand
I have been racing round
I realise I have been protecting
the part of me that was crushed
and disabled at an early age
to such an extent that it
never stood a chance
it had no choice
I just bin protecting
guarding
building a fortress round it
and hoping for a miracle
waiting for my love to find
the soul it can be free with

Spending time recently with
special needs people has given me
an insight into how amazing
joyeous and loved and accepted
yeh a challenge at times aswell
I am sure

Special needs are
there are parts of us
human race and us ourselves

Special needs require
time, patience, love
nurturing, space, support
strength, awareness
listening,
we need other feedback to guide us
above in italics are not my words
but it really hit home

I feel upset when I see someone
being treated less than
protected, unable to try
miss opportunities
be treated differently
so why to I inflict all this
on a part of me that is special needs?
perhaps because I had no idea
that I was until today

Happy joyeous & free?
hmm not for this special needs part of me
Freedom would be finding out
asking for the truth
if the chemistry set appears to be out
and then exploring what unfolded
dealing with it piece by piece
regardless of whether
I read it right or wrong
not sitting wondrin
if this part of me will ever
know how freedom feels

Today I saw face to face
that I shut down
I dont wont explore
intimacy or what appears to be
intimacy when its not clear
whether its real or fiction
and I wont find out
through fear of getting vulnerable
rejected, abandoned
I have no idea how to
yet I did today
exploring a situation
rather clumsily though honestly
with an extremely patient saint
who I feel I tried the patience of!
came to see what i do/did/am doing
will not ask for clarity
fear of rejection
ego puncture
abandonment
so I just carry on
not knowing the truth and wondrin
and this disabled part of me
kind of waves, gagged up
shrugs and goes back to sleep again
feeling lost and ignored
unworthy and unable

what happened to my faith in
Keep on the firing line of life with
these motives and God will keep you unharmed P102
well I just never applied it to this
because I didnt know was my problem was

Am tellin you
I am knackered
didnt do much work today
as mind elsewhere
in virtual counselling session
in and out of tears
clumsily picking through
honestly and carefully
feeling gratitude to my mate!
yet fearful now, I got so raw

yet on the way home
I stopped off and spoke with
a friend I needed to clarity
on some comments he had made
which I needed to know the truth about
as our friendship could change
depending on what he meant
I went and asked him
he told me
and I pray
this is how its done
he was glad I had asked
I was glad I could ask
I was glad I could open up
get raw, vulnerable
and get it wrong :-D
wrong as in not the outcome
my loneliness part of me wanted
yet right in the where we are now
because it could really
have complicated everything
then I would have had to learn
how to have a relationsip!!!!
awwwwww noooo not yet.... ;D

practice practice
get into the habit of asking
I dont want to live not knowing
I want honest relationships
not blurry edges
I want to accept people as they are
and be accepted
that doesnt mean I dont care attitude
that means most people I meet thesedays
and I include myself in this
are at various stages of
problems
recovery
change
maintenence
enjoyment
in all walks of life
so I guess it means
getting real and open to grow
letting other get real
and somehow fitting in together
i dunno

Gone through varous extremes this week
including I dont want live anymore...
which indicates I reached a turning point

I am grateful to my teacher, listener
helper, guide, friend, spirit, God
who each helped

whats tomorrow?
I dunno, I am afraid tho... !

Maybe good Maybe bad

I went for Physio yesterday
feeling yet again that this will never end
more exersizes
no real end insight
slight improvement
I have been here before
and wondering again
whats the plan in store for me
accepting and trusting
even though i don't like
this slowness that I am forced
to take as the result of
physical disability
with no real resolution ahead

I sat on the beach after
and counted a few blessings
watching the kitesurfers
reflecting on how much I wanted to
learn this and still do
yet I wonder how different this last
12 months is likely to have been
had my physical health been
sufficient to give me the confidence
and strength to undertake this
strenuous, and very exciting extreme sport?

I watched them out there
at one with the wind and the water
slightly envious yet seeing the
isolation of the sport
you and the elements nature
whilst you are out there with others
its not a team or socially interactive
except probably off piste!

I know that although God brought me
away from all that I know
he didnt want me alone
he showed me the Salvation Army
and gave me a church family

Had I had my way from the start
I would have learned Kitesurfing
and spent most weekends and energy
learning and surfing
all summer I THINK! nah I KNOW!
I believe that if I had pushed myself
I could have still learned
yet through prayers
Thy will not mine
I have been led around a different path
and I am glad that I have

Its likely that I wouldnt have
developed the friendships I have at church
started and lead a hobby group
build a relationship with my pastor
get involved with volunteering in the kitchen
go regularly on Sundays
be present in mind when I attend and take part
be willing to be led in where God wants of me
try new things
read the bible in a disciplined fashion
develop my relationship with jesus
help develop others relationship with Jesus
lead a weekly bible study
be willing to listen to what others see in me
consider a role within church
consider Christianity this seriously
physically I have spent more time locally
at home with cat
being a neighbour
slowing down
acting - my age!
listening to the silence
listening for that still small yet very firm voice
that I hear so often

self will
I could have done all of the above
but most would have been on a superficial level
it would have got in the way
its un likely I would be this involved at church
and enjoying it (mostly!!)
like i am
if i have taken up kitesurfing
I would have got what I wanted
who knows I may still get it

See Gods plan I can see its not ruled out
its just a not yet

A physical handicap
may not get me what I wanted
but I am glad that God gave me what I needed
and I feel blessed

weak yet strong

see so when I say that I doubt
what I know and believe
When I am growing along spiritual lines
I am forced to challenge that which
I know to be true YESTERDAY
and change, let go of ideas
that are not working in the present
forced to look at my motives
beliefs, feelings, everything
over and over again
and let go of the deadwood
i learned this in step 5

God wants me back to my purest state
the way he created us in Genesis
how can I rebel and follow my own will
self seeking, pleasure etc
it will not sustain me long term

the spiritual life is about
growing up
letting go of instant gratification
works first
and whatever comes after

At times however
because there seems so much work to do
on myslef and for/with others
I have to work at lightening up!

At times I have no idea how to behave

and today was one of them...
living where I am living out of town
I am really feeling the season
and how long it goes on for
and its twists and suprises
and joys and scares

today was too trecherous to cycle
a neighbour gave me a lift to the station
early train got me to work early...
dilemma came
when only two of us arrived...
why am i here?
because I work here...
i travelled the furthest..
well actually the train brought me here
I didnt actually walk it!

snow fell faster
trains started being cancelled
and I didnt know when to leave
I have no idea...
most people didnt even turn up
yet I have a problem leaving
rather than being stranded
to scared to be stranded at work
to scared to leave work
rather strange! but thats how it was

its a first...
first time I have left work early
because of weather
I took some work home
see whilst others snowballed
I couldnt! and didnt
through choice and ignorance
ignorance of whats appropriate

see am used to going to any lengths
turn up at the station until they tell you
the trains arent running
stay at work til they tell you to go home
even at the station going home
they said they are not shutting the stations
yet the snow fell more and more
when he said some trains were breaking down
thats when I stepped on the train...
and tonight went and asked the same neighbour
for a lift tomorrow to station
that was hard...

came home
did some work
just took inventory
I am afraid of this
new situation I have experienced
and afraid of how I reacted/behaved
and what people will think of me

restless, irritable and discontented
because my routine and comfort zone has been
altered by snow
and forced me to go beyond zee
see God picked up the chalk and drew one letter more

pride, self will, self centredness
self centred fear

please remove all my defects of character
and grant me acceptance, courage and wisdom
love and tolerence towards self and others

powerless
and grateful

There's more going on than my eye can see...

Tried a new meeting
locally
it was freezing
I went to find the venue
was 90 minutes early
no where to have a coffee
went back towards the town
and had that ...
"well i could just go home now
its freezing fog
no-one would know
it wouldnt matter
can go another week" feeling
and then I remembered my primary purpose
for going to a meeting
not that I think I am God
but Tradition 5 and Step 12... reasons to not go home!
its not about me...
but in return... I get karma points right :)
for some reason!
I went and had a coffee
read a newspaper
and went back to meeting...

and met the secretary
who i find out
lives close by me than
you can imagine!
I could throw a ball in their garden
from my garden!
yeh I am pretty good at throwing
but still

neither of us know anyone else
in the vicinity
thats in the fellowship

God! your hand is at work
your plan is unfolding
and your incidences
are simply
delightful

I got a lift home
and a loan of a heater!

I have been reading scriptures lately
and listening to more
talks by Menlo Park ministers
John Ortbergs colleagues
and one just blew me away
I have listening to it over and over
again!

On Beyond Zebra Kim Englemann
based upon the beginning of the book
On Beyond Zebra by Dr Seuss
i'll post more on its significance
when I can put it into words
what I can say is that
I only listened to John Ortberg
I have loved this man for around 3 years now
his tone, his humour and love for us and God
and I thought no-one else could match
and then I listened to Kim Engleman
her voice, tone I dont really like
but her humour and love and care for people and God
I love the message
I have listened to this mp3 over and over
why? I love it! I want to go beyond Zee!
I know there is more and I am doing it
in it right now
letting go of perfection
engaging with pride and having to let go of it
more and more
show and accept my imperfect self
my sloth and its consequences
my lust and its consequences
my self will and its consequences
my greed and its consequences
my love for God and its consequences
my willingness to change and be changed and its consequences
my courage to accept all its consequences

Good and bad!! see

This journey I am having
getting to know this Jesus man
and God is getting more and more interesting
Luke 12:16-21
I have no idea when my expiry date is
whether I will be made redundant
and whether anything else bad is going to happen
so I have to trust and have more faith
monday and tuesday
my heating is getting an overhaul!
otherwise I could die a "rich" cold fool!!

off to do more study
tomorrow I become a member of the church
locally I have been going to
making friends
Am I a Christian yet?
I dont flippin' know!
no one seems to care!!!!!!!!!!!
they just say keep coming back! and read Luke...
so I am :)

Grateful for the little things
I have no control over
for now life is good
and for my facebook buddies
Poke!

Especially grateful
that once again its proven
that Gods alphabet starts
where my alphabet ends!!

Faith is the most important
feature in my life
its constant
heat or no heat
alone or with
rich or poor
joyful or sad
faith is there

Get honest with God (as you understand God)

He always listens
always forgives
pray honestly
ask for anything you want in a childlike way
and God will give you what you need
in a Parental way

Talk to Him like no other
because He is like no other

Pray, talk, whisper,
mumble, yell
outloud, in silence
in a crowd, alone
on a beach, in the city

Do it often
like someone you want a relationship with
build it, grow it
learn to listen
and listen to learn
you will get to know
how God communicates with you
he really does

that voice
hear that voice again
you will recognise it
it will come often
and sometimes seemingly random

Heaven stands still
everytime you pray

God allows us to have what we want
if we really want it
and he also allows us the consequences
comfortable and uncomfortable
he has a plan, a good plan

I have everything I need already
I am tired
my motives have changed
my dream became reality
and I saw what the future holds
by following that dream
and I dont like what I see
greed and fear
in a "world" I dont understand
speaking a language I dont grasp
involving thinking I do too much of
longer hours enclosed
wearing clothes I feel uncomfortable in
I feel a door is closing
I feel like I am closing a door
willingly with love
letting go
And Acceptance is the answer... P417

Do I want to be right or happy?
Happy!

I'm off, more prayers on the beach
with the Great Ocean

Happy, joyful, funfilled healthy new year!
May you feel real love in the home
that you live in
channel ALL that life you have
running through your veins
into becoming usefully whole

Wants and needs today

Spending time
in meditation and prayer
I have found some truth
with it ... some acceptance

No thing is more important
that my relationship with God
No thing, want, is worth losing
my physical or mental health sanity

God always gives us what we want
if we want it enough
and sometimes we suffer the consequences
of those wishes

Sometimes a dream
when it becomes a reality
is not what it seemed
and the reality is not
really in keeping
with today
and how I would like be, feel, live

Also sometimes
its necessary to be willing to let go
of what you really want
in order to find out whether
its meant to remain
what I really wanted then
I needed to know if its what I want now
and do I?
Do I really want it?

That thing
If you love someone/thing
you have to let it go
and if its meant to come back
it will

I agree
money, possessions, job, title
will not sustain happiness
long term

More prayer required
Because I have no idea
about much
All I know is that
I do not want another year like this
I was happy last year
I think

The promises are true
we can have anything we want
if we work for it
and I know this to be true
I am also knowing that
sometimes God given natural skills
combined with nurture
can mean not everything is
the right thing for us to do long term
some avenues are more dangerous long term
than others depending on whose walking down them
and what time in your life you are walking them
Sometimes getting what I want
is not necessarily what I need now
perhaps its time to let go absolutely
God will tell me when its time for me to know
in the meantime
keeping on
anylengths
which at the moment
includes a great deal of letting go

the first few verses
is like my heart singing to my "self"
letting it know
that it accepts myself will always be there
and is part of me
however my heart must be the motivator
it must be the one that drives
because it is the channel to God
and where God sits in me
and no matter what myself says
my heart cant take this
and myself is coming to believe its true
and self also doesnt want heart to suffer like this
in its current form
its not working
my heart has to be true to itSELF
It is in too deep
what you have given me is in there
deep in there
To thine own self be true

If I dont Let Go of myself (all of me)
I will not grow



And I know now that if one door
is closing no matter how slowly
there will be another one opening
which I havent spotted yet

see ya

Motives - Perseverence - Obedience

Here and there, once in a while, alcoholics have had what are called vital spiritual experiences. To me these occurrences are phenomena. They appear to be in the nature of huge emotional displacements and rearrangements. Ideas, emotions, and attitudes which were once the guiding forces of the lives of these men are suddenly cast to one side, and a completely new set of conceptions and motives begin to dominate them.p27

Motives
Its time to take inventory
look at my motives
for why I do things
why I dont do things
are they working
why not
who
what
is it in keeping with spiritual principles
or driven by ego, greed, pride and fear?
self will

Even my motives for attending meetings
AA work... need a an honest look
so I am taking stock
on everything
I have too

God grant me the courage
to accept the things I connot change
courage to change the things I can
and wisdom to know the difference

Gods will and willingness
a decision to do Gods will not mine! Step 3
an extraordinary combination
required over and over aagain
perseverence

Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God’s will into all of our activities. “How can I best serve Thee-Thy will (not mine) be done.” These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our will power along this line all we wish. It is the proper use of the will. p85

I have had a spiritual experience this week
or is it hit a wall
tried to smash through ut
lay down surrendered
and as a result have been lifted up and over

I have also done a few things
which I am not sure that I am comfortable with
behaviours/actions that I had stopped doing
for one reason or another
are they relevant again now?
They were not helpful actions then
but after a period of abstinence
and a change on my inside
motives
have these same behaviours/actions
now become acceptable agian to me
albeit they are not exactly the same as they were before
rightsized, trimmed down and more healthy?
more in keeping with current
healthier lifestyle...
I will come back to you on that one
too early to know and say

I hear a Joyce Meyer on the God channnel tonight
say something like
when you are following Gods will
you will get knocked down
and get up
again and again and again and again
and again and again
you may lose what seems like everything
but the rewards are so rich
when you feel like you have ended up in the wilderness
you may have actually found heaven
obedience

giving into desires
does not necessarily lead to happiness
neither does not having desires
giving in to sin, defects of character
flaws, imperfections, addictions whatever they may be
obsessive thinking, stinking thinking
leads to unhappiness

God never promised US perfection
keep on keeping on
until HE SAYS your done!



Joyce also said
you need people around to tell you the truth
tell you when you are not walking the walk
I agree, truth teller are essential
I would also add
even when I think they are wrong
the feedback is so important
because somewhere along the line
they are right!

Accountability
I have heard this principle suggested to me
a couple of times now in the last 6 months
in different contexts
and I have passed it on to a couple of people

Rather like
sick as your secrets so out them
cast them out into the light
make these secrets accountable
when they are out, they lose their power

well this too can happen when
decisions are made
casting them out into the light
sharing them
making the decision real
strengthens it
and can also feel different
feel real or weak and shallow
then perhaps more prayer
or guidance as to motives may be required
my experience anyway

Had a night in tonight
I am exhausted
I cannot continue
the way I am
even the good things
are becoming detriMENTAL!
change is required

God show me what you want me to do...

Humility

Humility
Humility is rare because to have it you have to want nothing, yet when you have it you get everything.


Innerspace

Elton John - Can you feel the love tonight?