If love is the greatest power on the face of the earth, then forgiveness is the second greatest. Without forgiveness we die inside. With it, the memories may still be there, but we can at least begin to move on.
Rob Parsons - Bringing Home the prodigals
Showing posts with label Forgiveness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Forgiveness. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Monday, March 14, 2011
Forgiveness
Without Forgiveness we die inside
Help us to share our scars our wounds with others, it is more than empathy, it is a fellowship in suffering, a band to one and other. The knowledge that another understands our pain can be liberating. The pain may not go away, but suddenly it becomes bearable.
If love is the greatest power on the face of the earth, then forgiveness is the second greatest. Without forgiveness we die inside. With it, the memories may still be there, but we can at least begin to move on.
We may blame others for our own or our prodigals rebellion, for being judgemental when they should have been more supportive. For abandoning abusing us or them when they should have supported or comforted us. But we must forgive them, we must no matter what, we must stop nursing a hurt, we have to let it go, we must forgive, or we die inside.
If we feel shame for living wildly, thoughtless, selfish behaviour. We can repent (become willing to change) ask Gods forgiveness, we can start to make that journey home.
Forgiveness allows us to go on loving and to feel loved again.
Bringing home the prodigals - Rob Parsons
It is not for us to sit in spiritual pride
refusing to accept forgiveness, grace of God
and our family & continue with out guilt
It is not for us to continue feeling rejected
isolated, bitter & pushing ourselves
and others away even when we are forgiven
Our legalism towards ourselves only
puts up the fences which forgiveness
is trying to take down
I am finding my training programme
in my journey into ministry,
hugely humbling, transforming, liberating
ego puncturing
spiritually I am growing
My love for God and other humans is growing
Though fearful of what people think of my past
yet In Gods eyes I am forgiven
Getting vulnerable is tiring yet essential
Its one thing confessing all in a step5
its another doing it in an interview setting
in which will be read by many
which I may be questioned on
over and over in the next few years
Highlights my shame is still there
yet the lack of shock I receive from these people
the acceptance, the encouragement
moves me to tears
My experience strength and hope
is Gold to someone else
it is not enough to pass it on only in AA
not everyone who has experienced
what I have experienced
will walk through the doors of AA
My job is to be of maximum helpfullness
if I can give any hope to anyone
then I have to go to anylengths
Confess all my stuff
and leave it to God
So far they have not said no...
and neither has God
Being forgiven over and over
being accepted over and over
being encouraged over and over
being given opportunity over and over
being pushed into the limelight
is killing me to the point of tears
maybe I needed killing
letting go absolutely
letting go of the corner of the towel
letting myself be changed
being willing to conform to Gods will
accepting it all is hard work
good grief
Feeling like am becoming a puritan
and then I fall short... thank God
feeling like I have no idea how to be responsible
I am not skillfull anough
getting up and keeping on
in this direction
its tough
yet I wouldnt miss it for the world
:-)
God equips the called
he doesn't call the equipped
Help us to share our scars our wounds with others, it is more than empathy, it is a fellowship in suffering, a band to one and other. The knowledge that another understands our pain can be liberating. The pain may not go away, but suddenly it becomes bearable.
If love is the greatest power on the face of the earth, then forgiveness is the second greatest. Without forgiveness we die inside. With it, the memories may still be there, but we can at least begin to move on.
We may blame others for our own or our prodigals rebellion, for being judgemental when they should have been more supportive. For abandoning abusing us or them when they should have supported or comforted us. But we must forgive them, we must no matter what, we must stop nursing a hurt, we have to let it go, we must forgive, or we die inside.
If we feel shame for living wildly, thoughtless, selfish behaviour. We can repent (become willing to change) ask Gods forgiveness, we can start to make that journey home.
Forgiveness allows us to go on loving and to feel loved again.
Bringing home the prodigals - Rob Parsons
It is not for us to sit in spiritual pride
refusing to accept forgiveness, grace of God
and our family & continue with out guilt
It is not for us to continue feeling rejected
isolated, bitter & pushing ourselves
and others away even when we are forgiven
Our legalism towards ourselves only
puts up the fences which forgiveness
is trying to take down
I am finding my training programme
in my journey into ministry,
hugely humbling, transforming, liberating
ego puncturing
spiritually I am growing
My love for God and other humans is growing
Though fearful of what people think of my past
yet In Gods eyes I am forgiven
Getting vulnerable is tiring yet essential
Its one thing confessing all in a step5
its another doing it in an interview setting
in which will be read by many
which I may be questioned on
over and over in the next few years
Highlights my shame is still there
yet the lack of shock I receive from these people
the acceptance, the encouragement
moves me to tears
My experience strength and hope
is Gold to someone else
it is not enough to pass it on only in AA
not everyone who has experienced
what I have experienced
will walk through the doors of AA
My job is to be of maximum helpfullness
if I can give any hope to anyone
then I have to go to anylengths
Confess all my stuff
and leave it to God
So far they have not said no...
and neither has God
Being forgiven over and over
being accepted over and over
being encouraged over and over
being given opportunity over and over
being pushed into the limelight
is killing me to the point of tears
maybe I needed killing
letting go absolutely
letting go of the corner of the towel
letting myself be changed
being willing to conform to Gods will
accepting it all is hard work
good grief
Feeling like am becoming a puritan
and then I fall short... thank God
feeling like I have no idea how to be responsible
I am not skillfull anough
getting up and keeping on
in this direction
its tough
yet I wouldnt miss it for the world
:-)
God equips the called
he doesn't call the equipped
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Paulo Coehlo - Inner Space and ... my stuff
Its a long one
but its been a long day
and i'm off for a long break
In the wheel of time Issue 173
I had proposed to publish here, once a year, texts by Carlos Castañeda, an anthropologist who influenced my generation with his tales of meetings with Mexican sorcerers. For lack of space, I have not done so since 2004. Today I woke up thinking: Castañeda, despite all his critics and all his work that later on seemed so disorderly to me, should not be forgotten. So here we present some of his reflections.
Intention is the important thing: for the old sorcerers of Mexico, intention (intento) is a force that intervenes in all aspects of time and space. To be able to use and manipulate this force calls for impeccable behavior. A warrior’s final goal is to be able to lift his head above the rut where he is confined, look around him, and change what he wants. To do so he needs to have discipline and pay attention all the time.
Nothing is easy: nothing in this world is given as a present: everything has to be learned with a great deal of effort. A man who seeks knowledge must have the same behavior as a soldier going to war: absolutely attentive, afraid, respectful and utterly confident. If he follows these recommendations, he may lose the odd battle but he will never cry over his fate.
Fear is natural: fear of the freedom that knowledge brings us is absolutely natural; however, no matter how terrible the apprenticeship may be, it is worse to live without wisdom.
Irritation is unnecessary: becoming irritated with others means giving them the power to interfere in our lives. It is imperative to overcome this feeling. By no means should the acts of others distract us from our only alternative in life: coming in touch with the infinite.
The end is an ally: when things begin to get confused, a warrior thinks about his death and immediately his spirit returns to him. Death is everywhere. Think of the headlights of a car following us along a winding road; sometimes we lose sight of it, sometimes it appears to be too close, sometimes the headlights go out. But this imaginary car never stops (and one day catches up with us). The very idea of death gives men the necessary detachment to go ahead despite all their tribulations. A man who knows that death is approaching every day tries everything, but without feeling anxiety.
The present is unique: a warrior knows how to wait, because he knows what he is waiting for. And while he waits, he wants nothing, and in this way anything he receives – however small – is a blessing. The common man worries too much about loving others, or being loved by them. A warrior knows what he wants - that is all in his life and that is where he concentrates all his energy. The common man spends the present acting as winner or loser, and depending on the results he becomes persecutor or victim. The warrior, on the other hand, worries only about his acts, which will lead him to the objective he has traced for himself.
Intention is transparent: intention (intento) is not a thought, nor an object, nor a desire. It is what makes a man triumph in his objectives and lifts him up from the ground even when he has delivered himself up to defeat. Intention is stronger than man.
It is always the last battle: the warrior’s spirit does not complain about anything, because he was not born to win or lose. He was born to fight, and each battle is the last that he is waging on the face of the Earth. That is why the warrior always leaves his spirit free, and when he gives himself to combat, knowing that his intention is transparent, he laughs and enjoys himself.
All from Paulo Coelho Warrior of Light Issue 173
Very pertinent for me at the moment
Todays Thought for the Day
Eye Of The Storm
A wise sea captain caught in a tropical storm knows that if he holds his vessel on the periphery it will get hurled from one side to the other. If he can reach the eye of the storm, he will enter a place of stillness. The storm will then subside and the ship can continue its journey. Similarly, when everything around me is changing in a very intense way, the best place for me to seek shelter and refuge is not on the outside, but deep within the self, where I can get in touch with my own inner being, find strength and stability, then come out and do whatever it is I need to.
My stuff
I am off on holiday now
2 weeks away from it all
immerse myself within
and without with...
nature and the elements
good food
spiritual nourishment
and like minded company
and God
Hand in Hand with the Spirit of the Universe
"i'll comeback
and do whatever it is
I need to do"
Last night I had a strange experience
Packing some new insect repellent
even though I havent opened or sprayed it
I could smell alcohol
first thought open it and smell it...
I prayed
and second thought
this stuffs so cunning huh!
put the stuff in your bag stop messing around with it!
its just insect repellent
was that in my mind or was it real?
I have no idea
First thoughts often hold the danger signs
they are to be listened to
but not always acted upon!!
I may throw it away by tomorrow
and buy a different brand if it
stays in my head
insect bites or drunk... ?
My line manager ORDERED me today
to not worry
she says this all proves that I am human...
I have no choice to let go and let God
either spend the whole 2 weeks worrying about
what I can absolutely do nothing about
powerless... for 2 weeks
or let go absolutely!
There are already and will be
consequences or my error
however, what kind, I have no idea
TODAY
Self will invites me to predict
Fear tells me the worst (as usual)
No one, not even those involved
have said have a crap time
you waster!
Like you say, forgiveness must apply to me aswell
Put the stick down Johno
and have some fun
I feel a sense of peace
I keep thinking its just shock
or numb
but I am not so sure it is...
I was listening to this song on the way home
Circle Round the Sun (track 10)
Chris While & Julie Matthews
some words say
Faith is just another way of simply stopping trying
It is what many of us myself included
though when anyone over a week said have faith or hand it over
or first approach at step 3
"well that meanns I dont have to do anything then, leave it to God!"
No Absolute faith does not mean simply stopping trying
I dont agree in this instance
Lovely song, but I dont agree
and it made me take a check on what have I dont the last few days
My attitude
I could go to work and feel sorry for myself etc
or go to work and think well God will take care of me
whatever... if I get sacked or disciplined so be it
but thats sloth and dishonest and selfish fear driven
attitude
I think...
and there is a fine line which parts how I feel
and the 2nd one above.
I could get disciplined
infact thats a (fear driven lie)
I wont get disciplined
There may e changes, may be not
in todays market I am lucky to have a job
many of my old colleagues
who are good at their jobs
are facing redundancy
I do have faith that I will be ok no matter what
and I do not feel a victim
even though I have erred
its an honest mistake
What I have is dignity
What I have is a sense of rightsize this thing
its big, but there are bigger and there are smaller
errors been made and will be again
I will see this through
I will not where possible let this one thing
affect every other thing I do WELL
I will not walk around with impending doom
its not helpful
its not service
its not AA
its not sober
its not who I am today
Lessons will be learnt
I need to reflect on the future
what I do and dont wnat to be doing
when term starts again in October
what the right thing especially in light of this
and whats defect driven
Balancing too many balls
is not an honest days work
I do not want to hang in there
and possibly make this mistake again
this year was the practice session
its time to GET REAL
I am responsible
when I know better
I have a responsibility to do better
Take care all and have a fun few weeks
happy founders day on 10th June
God Grant me the serenity to accept
the things I cannot change
courage to change the things I can
and wisdom to know the difference
see ya
:)
but its been a long day
and i'm off for a long break
In the wheel of time Issue 173
I had proposed to publish here, once a year, texts by Carlos Castañeda, an anthropologist who influenced my generation with his tales of meetings with Mexican sorcerers. For lack of space, I have not done so since 2004. Today I woke up thinking: Castañeda, despite all his critics and all his work that later on seemed so disorderly to me, should not be forgotten. So here we present some of his reflections.
Intention is the important thing: for the old sorcerers of Mexico, intention (intento) is a force that intervenes in all aspects of time and space. To be able to use and manipulate this force calls for impeccable behavior. A warrior’s final goal is to be able to lift his head above the rut where he is confined, look around him, and change what he wants. To do so he needs to have discipline and pay attention all the time.
Nothing is easy: nothing in this world is given as a present: everything has to be learned with a great deal of effort. A man who seeks knowledge must have the same behavior as a soldier going to war: absolutely attentive, afraid, respectful and utterly confident. If he follows these recommendations, he may lose the odd battle but he will never cry over his fate.
Fear is natural: fear of the freedom that knowledge brings us is absolutely natural; however, no matter how terrible the apprenticeship may be, it is worse to live without wisdom.
Irritation is unnecessary: becoming irritated with others means giving them the power to interfere in our lives. It is imperative to overcome this feeling. By no means should the acts of others distract us from our only alternative in life: coming in touch with the infinite.
The end is an ally: when things begin to get confused, a warrior thinks about his death and immediately his spirit returns to him. Death is everywhere. Think of the headlights of a car following us along a winding road; sometimes we lose sight of it, sometimes it appears to be too close, sometimes the headlights go out. But this imaginary car never stops (and one day catches up with us). The very idea of death gives men the necessary detachment to go ahead despite all their tribulations. A man who knows that death is approaching every day tries everything, but without feeling anxiety.
The present is unique: a warrior knows how to wait, because he knows what he is waiting for. And while he waits, he wants nothing, and in this way anything he receives – however small – is a blessing. The common man worries too much about loving others, or being loved by them. A warrior knows what he wants - that is all in his life and that is where he concentrates all his energy. The common man spends the present acting as winner or loser, and depending on the results he becomes persecutor or victim. The warrior, on the other hand, worries only about his acts, which will lead him to the objective he has traced for himself.
Intention is transparent: intention (intento) is not a thought, nor an object, nor a desire. It is what makes a man triumph in his objectives and lifts him up from the ground even when he has delivered himself up to defeat. Intention is stronger than man.
It is always the last battle: the warrior’s spirit does not complain about anything, because he was not born to win or lose. He was born to fight, and each battle is the last that he is waging on the face of the Earth. That is why the warrior always leaves his spirit free, and when he gives himself to combat, knowing that his intention is transparent, he laughs and enjoys himself.
All from Paulo Coelho Warrior of Light Issue 173
Very pertinent for me at the moment
Todays Thought for the Day
Eye Of The Storm
A wise sea captain caught in a tropical storm knows that if he holds his vessel on the periphery it will get hurled from one side to the other. If he can reach the eye of the storm, he will enter a place of stillness. The storm will then subside and the ship can continue its journey. Similarly, when everything around me is changing in a very intense way, the best place for me to seek shelter and refuge is not on the outside, but deep within the self, where I can get in touch with my own inner being, find strength and stability, then come out and do whatever it is I need to.
My stuff
I am off on holiday now
2 weeks away from it all
immerse myself within
and without with...
nature and the elements
good food
spiritual nourishment
and like minded company
and God
Hand in Hand with the Spirit of the Universe
"i'll comeback
and do whatever it is
I need to do"
Last night I had a strange experience
Packing some new insect repellent
even though I havent opened or sprayed it
I could smell alcohol
first thought open it and smell it...
I prayed
and second thought
this stuffs so cunning huh!
put the stuff in your bag stop messing around with it!
its just insect repellent
was that in my mind or was it real?
I have no idea
First thoughts often hold the danger signs
they are to be listened to
but not always acted upon!!
I may throw it away by tomorrow
and buy a different brand if it
stays in my head
insect bites or drunk... ?
My line manager ORDERED me today
to not worry
she says this all proves that I am human...
I have no choice to let go and let God
either spend the whole 2 weeks worrying about
what I can absolutely do nothing about
powerless... for 2 weeks
or let go absolutely!
There are already and will be
consequences or my error
however, what kind, I have no idea
TODAY
Self will invites me to predict
Fear tells me the worst (as usual)
No one, not even those involved
have said have a crap time
you waster!
Like you say, forgiveness must apply to me aswell
Put the stick down Johno
and have some fun
I feel a sense of peace
I keep thinking its just shock
or numb
but I am not so sure it is...
I was listening to this song on the way home
Circle Round the Sun (track 10)
Chris While & Julie Matthews
some words say
Faith is just another way of simply stopping trying
It is what many of us myself included
though when anyone over a week said have faith or hand it over
or first approach at step 3
"well that meanns I dont have to do anything then, leave it to God!"
No Absolute faith does not mean simply stopping trying
I dont agree in this instance
Lovely song, but I dont agree
and it made me take a check on what have I dont the last few days
My attitude
I could go to work and feel sorry for myself etc
or go to work and think well God will take care of me
whatever... if I get sacked or disciplined so be it
but thats sloth and dishonest and selfish fear driven
attitude
I think...
and there is a fine line which parts how I feel
and the 2nd one above.
I could get disciplined
infact thats a (fear driven lie)
I wont get disciplined
There may e changes, may be not
in todays market I am lucky to have a job
many of my old colleagues
who are good at their jobs
are facing redundancy
I do have faith that I will be ok no matter what
and I do not feel a victim
even though I have erred
its an honest mistake
What I have is dignity
What I have is a sense of rightsize this thing
its big, but there are bigger and there are smaller
errors been made and will be again
I will see this through
I will not where possible let this one thing
affect every other thing I do WELL
I will not walk around with impending doom
its not helpful
its not service
its not AA
its not sober
its not who I am today
Lessons will be learnt
I need to reflect on the future
what I do and dont wnat to be doing
when term starts again in October
what the right thing especially in light of this
and whats defect driven
Balancing too many balls
is not an honest days work
I do not want to hang in there
and possibly make this mistake again
this year was the practice session
its time to GET REAL
I am responsible
when I know better
I have a responsibility to do better
Take care all and have a fun few weeks
happy founders day on 10th June
God Grant me the serenity to accept
the things I cannot change
courage to change the things I can
and wisdom to know the difference
see ya
:)
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
Sky Blue and Black
When something stops working
letting Go
with love
acceptance
forgiveness
things change
sometimes
things need to be washed
as they were no longer working in their
current form or had ran out of steam
and required a review assets/liability
sometimes a period of abstainence
to assess, with and without
whats real and unreal
true and untrue
let go absolutely
and let love in
I love this - Sky Blue and Black
This is a beautiful song
Jackson Browne
Forgiveness
Love
Acceptance
Things change
I change
you change
we change
it changes
letting go of whats not working
and allowing what is to grow
in its uniqueness
in its time
day by day
Ocean and the wind
make the waves together
(along with other forces)
the waves spread out and disapear
where? and then return to the ocean
the rivers lead to the ocean
good and rubbish is all welcomed by the ocean
it gathers it all
and does something with it
its huge, really huge
and necessary
and beautiful
and at times appears angry and destructive
we are powerless over its actions
we can use science, physics create barriers
to "prevent" floods
we can have monitoring of tidal movement
to evacuate in the even of tsunami
we can
however
do we really know the ocean?
do we really know the forces of nature?
and even when we do see the signs
do we listen?
do we take action?
or do we delay?
thinking it will not be as bad as we think it will be?
Do we rely on science too much?
and saving money and pride
rather than a more lives
What is the price of a life?
Who has the right to make the choice or control who lives?
Do I? Do I really have a choice or any control?
When my time will be?
Do you?
What with our ultra-modern standards, our scientific approach to everything, we are perhaps not well equipped to apply the powers of good that lie outside our synthetic knowledge. Doctors Opinion Big Book xxv
Powerless
ps eyelashes, naturally fair verging on transparent!
now, blue/black a perfect frame for my eyes
I feel good
I get compliments after...
10 minute job
10 minutes of lying down eyes shut
breathing meditation to relaxing music aswell
win win win win
pps.
some guy I havent seen for ages
visited the office today
unfamiliar feeling stirred in me!
haven't had that for a long while!!!!!!!!!
he remembered me from ages ago
wasnt sure where
or my name
and likewise
I knew his face
a little older
couldnt remember who or where from
now I do
and then
we took a lift together...
laughed and caught up
and went our own ways
little things sent to make us smile
letting Go
with love
acceptance
forgiveness
things change
sometimes
things need to be washed
as they were no longer working in their
current form or had ran out of steam
and required a review assets/liability
sometimes a period of abstainence
to assess, with and without
whats real and unreal
true and untrue
let go absolutely
and let love in
I love this - Sky Blue and Black
This is a beautiful song
Jackson Browne
Forgiveness
Love
Acceptance
Things change
I change
you change
we change
it changes
letting go of whats not working
and allowing what is to grow
in its uniqueness
in its time
day by day
Ocean and the wind
make the waves together
(along with other forces)
the waves spread out and disapear
where? and then return to the ocean
the rivers lead to the ocean
good and rubbish is all welcomed by the ocean
it gathers it all
and does something with it
its huge, really huge
and necessary
and beautiful
and at times appears angry and destructive
we are powerless over its actions
we can use science, physics create barriers
to "prevent" floods
we can have monitoring of tidal movement
to evacuate in the even of tsunami
we can
however
do we really know the ocean?
do we really know the forces of nature?
and even when we do see the signs
do we listen?
do we take action?
or do we delay?
thinking it will not be as bad as we think it will be?
Do we rely on science too much?
and saving money and pride
rather than a more lives
What is the price of a life?
Who has the right to make the choice or control who lives?
Do I? Do I really have a choice or any control?
When my time will be?
Do you?
What with our ultra-modern standards, our scientific approach to everything, we are perhaps not well equipped to apply the powers of good that lie outside our synthetic knowledge. Doctors Opinion Big Book xxv
Powerless
ps eyelashes, naturally fair verging on transparent!
now, blue/black a perfect frame for my eyes
I feel good
I get compliments after...
10 minute job
10 minutes of lying down eyes shut
breathing meditation to relaxing music aswell
win win win win
pps.
some guy I havent seen for ages
visited the office today
unfamiliar feeling stirred in me!
haven't had that for a long while!!!!!!!!!
he remembered me from ages ago
wasnt sure where
or my name
and likewise
I knew his face
a little older
couldnt remember who or where from
now I do
and then
we took a lift together...
laughed and caught up
and went our own ways
little things sent to make us smile
Sunday, December 02, 2007
I've changed my attitude and I like it
There may be some wrongs we can never fully right. We don’t worry about them if we can honestly say to ourselves that we would right them if we could. Some people cannot be seen-we sent them an honest letter. And there may be a valid reason for postponement in some cases. But we don’t delay if it can be avoided. We should be sensible, tactful, considerate and humble without being servile or scraping. As God’s people we stand on our feet; we don’t crawl before anyone. P83
As a teenager I completely turned my back on
the Christian faith and anyone
and judged ALL who came out
and Jesus lovers/Christians and God believers
as one and the same... all self righteous
judgemental hypocrites
Why? a christian... new christian
full of it, bathing in it, on fire
called me a sinner, not fit to breathe
From that day, I turned away completely
I wasn't turning towards before entirely
but I was indifferent, ignorant really blissfully
unwilling and frightened that I would
become like that, judgemental and hypocritical
unloving, arrogant
I didn't hear the message because I had shot the messenger
and shielded myself through avoidance
and self righteous, arrogance that I didnt need
or care for any of it, it made no sense
ALL Christ followers and God followers are the same
and really I had no place with them
Through willingness to open my mind
taking part in various activities
in what I see as Step 11
simply a way to improve my conscious contact
by doing The Alpha Course
I had my mind changed
I havent become a Christian
I have laid to rest prejudices I held
against Christians and God of Christians
I have made a heap of friends
just by being willing, openminded and honest
teacheable
I have also improved and strengthened
my own conscious contact with the God of my own understanding
Today I have come full circle
I cannot turn the clock back and
make friends with all the Christians I turned away
from in the past
what I can do different
and it seems what I have done different
and I am doing different
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.P84
AS THE RESULT OF THESES STEPS these few weeks
is not let the messenger alter the message
THE Message that I have come to understand
from experiencing, letting in face to face
is one of Love, tolerance, forgiveness
understanding, integrity, willingness
joy and peace, friendship
hand in hand with the same God
God is Love
If God is Jesus and Jesus is God
then am happy with that
they both Rock, I have no need to debate
I have also not let this messenger
taint my feelings towards
Christians who I know and love
or future frineds I dont know yet
like I did the last time
see this is progress
Nothing is ever wasted
I havent enjoyed the last few weeks
but then you never promised me prefection
I wondered what was going on
Wrestling with a pig, I havent enjoyed it
I didnt notice I was doing it
well I wouldnt would I? I had mud in my eyes
Self will run riot (my own)
now I have surrendered
I have learnt something!
I have changed
I have no wish to go backwards
I dont have to like everybody
I can choose today
Saying nothing not getting involved
is not a sign of weakness
I chose to take part
I chose to stop
I can also say no to abuse today
Everything teaches me
I learn from everything
Stay teacheable
Humility
Loving AA and all its gifts
I had an interesting
albeit emotional weekend
accepting and making the best of something
that I cannot change
I have had to fit myself to it
tears before in preparation
restraint of tongue and pen during
and loads of laughs
when I fit myself in and see
beauty of the forest! P50
But thats another post
Ok homework to do
and day off tomorrow! way hay!!
thanks for every comment
the last few weeks
you helped me become and see
the person I am today
As a teenager I completely turned my back on
the Christian faith and anyone
and judged ALL who came out
and Jesus lovers/Christians and God believers
as one and the same... all self righteous
judgemental hypocrites
Why? a christian... new christian
full of it, bathing in it, on fire
called me a sinner, not fit to breathe
From that day, I turned away completely
I wasn't turning towards before entirely
but I was indifferent, ignorant really blissfully
unwilling and frightened that I would
become like that, judgemental and hypocritical
unloving, arrogant
I didn't hear the message because I had shot the messenger
and shielded myself through avoidance
and self righteous, arrogance that I didnt need
or care for any of it, it made no sense
ALL Christ followers and God followers are the same
and really I had no place with them
Through willingness to open my mind
taking part in various activities
in what I see as Step 11
simply a way to improve my conscious contact
by doing The Alpha Course
I had my mind changed
I havent become a Christian
I have laid to rest prejudices I held
against Christians and God of Christians
I have made a heap of friends
just by being willing, openminded and honest
teacheable
I have also improved and strengthened
my own conscious contact with the God of my own understanding
Today I have come full circle
I cannot turn the clock back and
make friends with all the Christians I turned away
from in the past
what I can do different
and it seems what I have done different
and I am doing different
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.P84
AS THE RESULT OF THESES STEPS these few weeks
is not let the messenger alter the message
THE Message that I have come to understand
from experiencing, letting in face to face
is one of Love, tolerance, forgiveness
understanding, integrity, willingness
joy and peace, friendship
hand in hand with the same God
God is Love
If God is Jesus and Jesus is God
then am happy with that
they both Rock, I have no need to debate
I have also not let this messenger
taint my feelings towards
Christians who I know and love
or future frineds I dont know yet
like I did the last time
see this is progress
Nothing is ever wasted
I havent enjoyed the last few weeks
but then you never promised me prefection
I wondered what was going on
Wrestling with a pig, I havent enjoyed it
I didnt notice I was doing it
well I wouldnt would I? I had mud in my eyes
Self will run riot (my own)
now I have surrendered
I have learnt something!
I have changed
I have no wish to go backwards
I dont have to like everybody
I can choose today
Saying nothing not getting involved
is not a sign of weakness
I chose to take part
I chose to stop
I can also say no to abuse today
Everything teaches me
I learn from everything
Stay teacheable
Humility
Loving AA and all its gifts
I had an interesting
albeit emotional weekend
accepting and making the best of something
that I cannot change
I have had to fit myself to it
tears before in preparation
restraint of tongue and pen during
and loads of laughs
when I fit myself in and see
beauty of the forest! P50
But thats another post
Ok homework to do
and day off tomorrow! way hay!!
thanks for every comment
the last few weeks
you helped me become and see
the person I am today
Saturday, July 14, 2007
Step 8
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. P59
I made a list
My sponsor helped me understand the difference
Between a harm
and being a pest, annoying and down right thoughtless
Robbing someone of there peace of mind
which I did to my parents
Not being in touch with my brother
for years on end
Main obstacle
inability to get past my own resentments
prevented me ever looking at my part and blocked
all sense of the truth from both angles
The 12x12 talks abouth the obstacles on step 8
one of them being a not doing a thorough inventory
Thankfully I did
However this is what I needed to do
I spent 18months praying and cultivating
a relationship with a loving God
In a very englightening Step 5, 6 and 7 period
and Praying for all them people on my harms list
even at times the ones we eventually knocked off
I had let go absolutely
God completely was running my recovery
And it was lovely
No one told me I had to
Its just the way it happened
There are no coincidences
I was "groomed" by a Loving God
Am happy to call Him
And I trust Him absolutely
When the student is ready, the teacher appears
Time was given time
Time is a great Healer
(I believe right action speeds up the Healing)
I have a Good Spiritual Surgeon (the Best)
It just came to me from the inside out
I realised the true meaning of FORGIVENESS
I realised that in Step 8 i had to forgive first
forgive all the fancied and or real stuff that
I perceived was done to me
BEFORE i could take a look at Step 9
Thats what I got from Step 8
I became willing really willing
Without consciously trying to forgive
Just simply by going through the steps
as laid out in the big book
I also forgave those who has damaged me 30 years ago
they were knocked off my Step8 list
I hadnt harmed them
somehow, God did for me what I and no human and
no vast sums of money and legal justice could ever do
I forgave and let go REALLY let go
The past does not hold me back from living in today
Prayer - works
God is
We were prepared to look for it from an entirely different angle. We began to see that the world and its people really dominated us. In that state, the wrong-doing of others, fancied or real, had power to actually kill. P66
We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended we said to ourselves, "This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done." P67
this became my mantra
Love = forgiveness
Its becoming more and more effortless
natural, organic
This is the easier softer way
Essential for Step 8 = A Sponsor
Essential for Step 8 = Willingness
Essential for Step 8 = Steps 1-7
All page refs AA Big Book
Grteful for my homegroup tonight
Topic Step8 from the Big Book
I dont care anymore how it works
its just so damn brilliant
I made a list
My sponsor helped me understand the difference
Between a harm
and being a pest, annoying and down right thoughtless
Robbing someone of there peace of mind
which I did to my parents
Not being in touch with my brother
for years on end
Main obstacle
inability to get past my own resentments
prevented me ever looking at my part and blocked
all sense of the truth from both angles
The 12x12 talks abouth the obstacles on step 8
one of them being a not doing a thorough inventory
Thankfully I did
However this is what I needed to do
I spent 18months praying and cultivating
a relationship with a loving God
In a very englightening Step 5, 6 and 7 period
and Praying for all them people on my harms list
even at times the ones we eventually knocked off
I had let go absolutely
God completely was running my recovery
And it was lovely
No one told me I had to
Its just the way it happened
There are no coincidences
I was "groomed" by a Loving God
Am happy to call Him
And I trust Him absolutely
When the student is ready, the teacher appears
Time was given time
Time is a great Healer
(I believe right action speeds up the Healing)
I have a Good Spiritual Surgeon (the Best)
It just came to me from the inside out
I realised the true meaning of FORGIVENESS
I realised that in Step 8 i had to forgive first
forgive all the fancied and or real stuff that
I perceived was done to me
BEFORE i could take a look at Step 9
Thats what I got from Step 8
I became willing really willing
Without consciously trying to forgive
Just simply by going through the steps
as laid out in the big book
I also forgave those who has damaged me 30 years ago
they were knocked off my Step8 list
I hadnt harmed them
somehow, God did for me what I and no human and
no vast sums of money and legal justice could ever do
I forgave and let go REALLY let go
The past does not hold me back from living in today
Prayer - works
God is
We were prepared to look for it from an entirely different angle. We began to see that the world and its people really dominated us. In that state, the wrong-doing of others, fancied or real, had power to actually kill. P66
We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended we said to ourselves, "This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done." P67
this became my mantra
Love = forgiveness
Its becoming more and more effortless
natural, organic
This is the easier softer way
Essential for Step 8 = A Sponsor
Essential for Step 8 = Willingness
Essential for Step 8 = Steps 1-7
All page refs AA Big Book
Grteful for my homegroup tonight
Topic Step8 from the Big Book
I dont care anymore how it works
its just so damn brilliant
Monday, June 25, 2007
Getting angry doesnt solve anything
Due to your recent posts on Anger
I am watching out for booby traps
Typically after listening to the alarm
Til it started to get light
dilemma between
well its not worth going to sleep now
and i cant anyway
Finished reading "A Pilgrims Progress"
I dropped off about 5 and woke up 8.45 eek
Shop Alarm still going off...
Prayer answered in the middle of washing my hair
go in the shop & get the number of the alarm
security company who are te call out contact
Common sense, perfect sense
much better than my idea
"if i leave it to someone else it'll get sorted"
A further rush of soundness of mind led me onto
Well if a shop alarm is going off
for this long, then its a fault in the wiring
No one would leave it binging off that long purposely
If its working properly, the security co or
police would be on it
I cant blame the shop owner
Cos they probably are completely oblivious
I raced down the stairs to check out which shop
as at anytime the alarm could just get turned off
it was passed 9am
as I got nearer the door
Fear said, they'll just tell you to MYOB
Faith said... just ask for a number so if it happens again
you can alert someone, go on
So I did, the manager wasnt gonna be in til
later but she said he would sort it
I walked out of the shop
then walked back in
Asked for his number so I could call him
she said theres no point in having the landline number
as they only open shop hours... she missed the point
I asked for it anyway
Dave the manager told me
he was in touch with the alarm & security people
to find out why it went off
was it a fault in the wiring
or was it operator error from his Sunday staff
Either way, he was sorry this had happened
It should be sorted today
He gave me his personal mobile number anyway
just incase it happened again...to let him know
I cant really ask for more than that
Yeh could have asked for compensation and all that stuff
The shop is an outlet to promote a new Gym opening near me
What kind of compensation would I get from them then?
What would I do with a Gym membership
It would be abit like waving a stake at a vampire
Nooooooooooooo
All i wanted was a solution incase it happened again
thats what I got
As for work
yeh called them, said I would be late
someone said, "they wouldnt have bothered to turn up
they would have gone back to bed for the day"
Is it me? taking responsibility and tying up loose ends
This really is the easier softer way
I am watching out for booby traps
Typically after listening to the alarm
Til it started to get light
dilemma between
well its not worth going to sleep now
and i cant anyway
Finished reading "A Pilgrims Progress"
I dropped off about 5 and woke up 8.45 eek
Shop Alarm still going off...
Prayer answered in the middle of washing my hair
go in the shop & get the number of the alarm
security company who are te call out contact
Common sense, perfect sense
much better than my idea
"if i leave it to someone else it'll get sorted"
A further rush of soundness of mind led me onto
Well if a shop alarm is going off
for this long, then its a fault in the wiring
No one would leave it binging off that long purposely
If its working properly, the security co or
police would be on it
I cant blame the shop owner
Cos they probably are completely oblivious
I raced down the stairs to check out which shop
as at anytime the alarm could just get turned off
it was passed 9am
as I got nearer the door
Fear said, they'll just tell you to MYOB
Faith said... just ask for a number so if it happens again
you can alert someone, go on
So I did, the manager wasnt gonna be in til
later but she said he would sort it
I walked out of the shop
then walked back in
Asked for his number so I could call him
she said theres no point in having the landline number
as they only open shop hours... she missed the point
I asked for it anyway
Dave the manager told me
he was in touch with the alarm & security people
to find out why it went off
was it a fault in the wiring
or was it operator error from his Sunday staff
Either way, he was sorry this had happened
It should be sorted today
He gave me his personal mobile number anyway
just incase it happened again...to let him know
I cant really ask for more than that
Yeh could have asked for compensation and all that stuff
The shop is an outlet to promote a new Gym opening near me
What kind of compensation would I get from them then?
What would I do with a Gym membership
It would be abit like waving a stake at a vampire
Nooooooooooooo
All i wanted was a solution incase it happened again
thats what I got
As for work
yeh called them, said I would be late
someone said, "they wouldnt have bothered to turn up
they would have gone back to bed for the day"
Is it me? taking responsibility and tying up loose ends
This really is the easier softer way
Saturday, February 17, 2007
As usual theres more
So thursday night I happily put my pen down
I thought I had finished my list
As per usual step 8 meeting last night
loads of top sharing on the step
me yeh finished my list
it came to me half way through the meeting
I havent listed my sexual harms DOH!!!!!
so theres more, no big deal
It takes as long as it takes
Thoroughly? honestly? yes yes
Any length ? yes
Also
physical, mental, spiritual
The heavyness in my heart is lifting
"Cough & Head cold lifting
Admitted & accepted am human being
around this tim last year i was nursing my sick mum
its her birthday on monday
this time last year she was dying
Head cold.... yeh all linked
this aint no bug, virus
this is all linked to the grieving process
the more I let go and just stop fighting the process
the easier the physical symptoms seem to be
the healing process will happen
I cant make it as painful and prolonged as I like
Thank God my step10's show me EXACTLY
where I am playing God
Exactly where I am trying to control
myself, my feelings, my tears, my thoughts and why
Fear and Pride, Fear and pride, Fear and Pride
Impatience & lots of self will
Will read step3 again tonight
I ask myself, who is in charge ?
In Step 8 I have felt a sense that I am
I am putting aside the wrongs others have done me
and writing a list of all people I have harmed
So it seems the Spiritual principle of Step 8 is
.....Forgiveness of others REGARDLESS
I thought I had finished my list
As per usual step 8 meeting last night
loads of top sharing on the step
me yeh finished my list
it came to me half way through the meeting
I havent listed my sexual harms DOH!!!!!
so theres more, no big deal
It takes as long as it takes
Thoroughly? honestly? yes yes
Any length ? yes
Also
physical, mental, spiritual
The heavyness in my heart is lifting
"Cough & Head cold lifting
Admitted & accepted am human being
around this tim last year i was nursing my sick mum
its her birthday on monday
this time last year she was dying
Head cold.... yeh all linked
this aint no bug, virus
this is all linked to the grieving process
the more I let go and just stop fighting the process
the easier the physical symptoms seem to be
the healing process will happen
I cant make it as painful and prolonged as I like
Thank God my step10's show me EXACTLY
where I am playing God
Exactly where I am trying to control
myself, my feelings, my tears, my thoughts and why
Fear and Pride, Fear and pride, Fear and Pride
Impatience & lots of self will
Will read step3 again tonight
I ask myself, who is in charge ?
In Step 8 I have felt a sense that I am
I am putting aside the wrongs others have done me
and writing a list of all people I have harmed
So it seems the Spiritual principle of Step 8 is
.....Forgiveness of others REGARDLESS
Sunday, August 20, 2006
Entered the Realm of spirit, a 4th dimension
19th August 2003 I had my last drink
A failed attempt to control my drink & not get drunk
I rolled in abit earlier than now
my boss had commented on how glazed my eyes look
I could hardly walk up the stairs in the restaurant
I had embarrased my manager
I had got flirty with an someone i wouldnt have gone near sober
I didnt get off with who i wanted
incontinent
need i say more
This 3rd year has been all about letting go
Letting go absolutely
of
fixing on pornography
living in fantasy
sponsor
self will
homegroup
relying on humans to relieve my alcoholism
christmas (my old idea of)
self will
ideas of Gods Power
self will
ideas of the power of prayer
mum
ministers are inflexible
I will never be good at my job
Self will
having money will make me happy inside
ideas about my own abilities
Self will
ideas about whats possible
belief that am not good enough
ideas about Gods plan for me
in fact all my frikkin ideas !!
By making yet another decision to turn my will & my life over to the care of God (as I understand him)
Continue to take personal inventory
Pray loads
trust another sponsor
pray specifically for my defects to be removed
trust that God could & would if he were sought
Trust the programme
trust myself
Have Faith
Do the right things
Keep doing the right things
Follow the spiritual principles
Allow for imperfection
Forgiveness of self and others
Stay honest
Stay open mindedness
Stay very willing
Put my recovery first
keep turning up even when i really not sure why
Accept that i just am rubbish at predicting the future
Am grateful I cant (i would have had a restless, irritable & discontented year)
I tell you this has been the best ever yet
It says "If he is to find God - the desire must come from within" P95
The desire came last year
I really fought the feeling but had to eventually surrender to the fact
that for this alcoholic
No human power could relieve my alcoholism
Thats NO person
I threw myself at Him (God) absolutely
I had no choice
I just knew it was the answer
And it was
That was the year that was... all about me & God becoming friends
Me doing what seemed to be Gods will for me
Its been like ahem easier...
Almost like it was the "easier softer way"
Amazing GOD YOU ARE AMAZING
So to end on
The manager I embarrased 3 years ago tonight, he has seen me turn up to work & barely do work. we had many a chat but I just couldnt change.
The same man, I havent seen for 2 years, he left our company
he called my up 4weeks ago & offered me a job
a job that its now very obvious that I am good at & enjoy NOWADAYS
he & his colleague will pay me a very good salary
i have become useful & sought after
I have a reputation of being reliable
I have integrity am fully armed about the facts about my abilities in the workplace today
I told them my strong points & my flaws ...
and they still want me, the truth has set me free
They have are giving me everything I negotiated & more
I am giving them my imperfect & very humble hardworking self
I am an alcoholic
I doing the steps with a sponsor
An i got offered this job that in my heart I can do 90% of & the rest can learn, thats a combination of ALL my strongest points in my last 5 jobs and they'll pay me more than I ever earned before with potential for more
GOD IS AMAZING
It would be insane not to to go and do it...
I start September 11th...
A day also of quiet reflection for us all
I made a statement about a year and a half ago that I would NEVER have a gym membership again. I have had many, turned up for about 2 months & then had to pay for the rest of the year. This new job, has FREE membership for the gym/swim thats situated in the building for anyone that works there. God really does have a sense of humour :-) As always doing for me what I cant/wont do for myself.
When we drew near to Him, He disclosed Himself to us! P57
thats whats happened to me & its lovely
Am grateful for everything, everything
Am grateful I am now beginning to accept the things I cannot change, have the willingness to change the things I can, the courage to ask God to help me change what I cant & some wisdom & a fellowship to help me see the things that aren't be changed YET
Am going to bed. Tomorrow I will be 3 years & on day 1 again
Thank you for all those who posted while I havent been
Much appreciated
xx
All page ref Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) 4th Edition
A failed attempt to control my drink & not get drunk
I rolled in abit earlier than now
my boss had commented on how glazed my eyes look
I could hardly walk up the stairs in the restaurant
I had embarrased my manager
I had got flirty with an someone i wouldnt have gone near sober
I didnt get off with who i wanted
incontinent
need i say more
This 3rd year has been all about letting go
Letting go absolutely
of
fixing on pornography
living in fantasy
sponsor
self will
homegroup
relying on humans to relieve my alcoholism
christmas (my old idea of)
self will
ideas of Gods Power
self will
ideas of the power of prayer
mum
ministers are inflexible
I will never be good at my job
Self will
having money will make me happy inside
ideas about my own abilities
Self will
ideas about whats possible
belief that am not good enough
ideas about Gods plan for me
in fact all my frikkin ideas !!
By making yet another decision to turn my will & my life over to the care of God (as I understand him)
Continue to take personal inventory
Pray loads
trust another sponsor
pray specifically for my defects to be removed
trust that God could & would if he were sought
Trust the programme
trust myself
Have Faith
Do the right things
Keep doing the right things
Follow the spiritual principles
Allow for imperfection
Forgiveness of self and others
Stay honest
Stay open mindedness
Stay very willing
Put my recovery first
keep turning up even when i really not sure why
Accept that i just am rubbish at predicting the future
Am grateful I cant (i would have had a restless, irritable & discontented year)
I tell you this has been the best ever yet
It says "If he is to find God - the desire must come from within" P95
The desire came last year
I really fought the feeling but had to eventually surrender to the fact
that for this alcoholic
No human power could relieve my alcoholism
Thats NO person
I threw myself at Him (God) absolutely
I had no choice
I just knew it was the answer
And it was
That was the year that was... all about me & God becoming friends
Me doing what seemed to be Gods will for me
Its been like ahem easier...
Almost like it was the "easier softer way"
Amazing GOD YOU ARE AMAZING
So to end on
The manager I embarrased 3 years ago tonight, he has seen me turn up to work & barely do work. we had many a chat but I just couldnt change.
The same man, I havent seen for 2 years, he left our company
he called my up 4weeks ago & offered me a job
a job that its now very obvious that I am good at & enjoy NOWADAYS
he & his colleague will pay me a very good salary
i have become useful & sought after
I have a reputation of being reliable
I have integrity am fully armed about the facts about my abilities in the workplace today
I told them my strong points & my flaws ...
and they still want me, the truth has set me free
They have are giving me everything I negotiated & more
I am giving them my imperfect & very humble hardworking self
I am an alcoholic
I doing the steps with a sponsor
An i got offered this job that in my heart I can do 90% of & the rest can learn, thats a combination of ALL my strongest points in my last 5 jobs and they'll pay me more than I ever earned before with potential for more
GOD IS AMAZING
It would be insane not to to go and do it...
I start September 11th...
A day also of quiet reflection for us all
I made a statement about a year and a half ago that I would NEVER have a gym membership again. I have had many, turned up for about 2 months & then had to pay for the rest of the year. This new job, has FREE membership for the gym/swim thats situated in the building for anyone that works there. God really does have a sense of humour :-) As always doing for me what I cant/wont do for myself.
When we drew near to Him, He disclosed Himself to us! P57
thats whats happened to me & its lovely
Am grateful for everything, everything
Am grateful I am now beginning to accept the things I cannot change, have the willingness to change the things I can, the courage to ask God to help me change what I cant & some wisdom & a fellowship to help me see the things that aren't be changed YET
Am going to bed. Tomorrow I will be 3 years & on day 1 again
Thank you for all those who posted while I havent been
Much appreciated
xx
All page ref Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) 4th Edition
Friday, January 13, 2006
I Have Faith
"The Lord is a good psychologist: he knows the way our minds run. Turmoil can be the Lord's way of tapping us on the shoulder and saying, 'Don't forget me.'"-- Eknath Easwaran
"It takes a lot of experience of life to see why some relationships last and others do not. But we do not have to wait for a crisis to get an idea of the future of a particular relationship. Our behavior in little every incidents tells us a great deal." Eknath Easwaran
"Patience can't be acquired overnight. It is just like building up a muscle. Every day you need to work on it." Eknath Easwaran
"Through meditation and by giving full attention to one thing at a time, we can learn to direct attention where we choose." Eknath Easwaran
Through all this week,
even though i needed some reassurance
my faith has been massive,
like never before
I now see why i am still here, not there
as the week has gone on
i have seen how cancer touches other family members
even though they havent got it
their sister has
we all get scared
we all behave different
misinterpretation
projection
selective hearing
paralysis
thank God I PAY ATTENTION
my fear of drinking...
yeah it would be very selfish wouldnt it
this too also passed
I made my amends last year to my mum
she wrote and asked for my forgiveness
for the bits she didnt get right
i have racked my brains for months
to see what she meant, which bits etc
finally talked it through with Sponsor
cos there is nothing i wouldnt forgive her for
but how do i say it...
yesterday i told her Yes I forgive her
and she told me that
it means alot to her
to have my forgiveness
and that she can now have a peaceful life
Sleep well mum I love you
Leave it be now Johno, let go
this morning i woke, with this calm, quiet
it wouldnt shake off
its eerie, surreal...
there are no coincidences
two more tests today
possible she goes home tomorrow
plan is to start chemo next week
Its a beautiful day
Thanks ODAAT Rex for introducing me to Eknath Easwaran
Thanks God for giving me a strength
that I am not even aware i have at times
"It takes a lot of experience of life to see why some relationships last and others do not. But we do not have to wait for a crisis to get an idea of the future of a particular relationship. Our behavior in little every incidents tells us a great deal." Eknath Easwaran
"Patience can't be acquired overnight. It is just like building up a muscle. Every day you need to work on it." Eknath Easwaran
"Through meditation and by giving full attention to one thing at a time, we can learn to direct attention where we choose." Eknath Easwaran
Through all this week,
even though i needed some reassurance
my faith has been massive,
like never before
I now see why i am still here, not there
as the week has gone on
i have seen how cancer touches other family members
even though they havent got it
their sister has
we all get scared
we all behave different
misinterpretation
projection
selective hearing
paralysis
thank God I PAY ATTENTION
my fear of drinking...
yeah it would be very selfish wouldnt it
this too also passed
I made my amends last year to my mum
she wrote and asked for my forgiveness
for the bits she didnt get right
i have racked my brains for months
to see what she meant, which bits etc
finally talked it through with Sponsor
cos there is nothing i wouldnt forgive her for
but how do i say it...
yesterday i told her Yes I forgive her
and she told me that
it means alot to her
to have my forgiveness
and that she can now have a peaceful life
Sleep well mum I love you
Leave it be now Johno, let go
this morning i woke, with this calm, quiet
it wouldnt shake off
its eerie, surreal...
there are no coincidences
two more tests today
possible she goes home tomorrow
plan is to start chemo next week
Its a beautiful day
Thanks ODAAT Rex for introducing me to Eknath Easwaran
Thanks God for giving me a strength
that I am not even aware i have at times
Sunday, August 07, 2005
Nothing cracked off again
ordinary day, did the usual clothes shop after two failed attempts to get there, finally did.
yeh, on my wish list, a garden, less clutter, a bit of silence at times at home, someone special. dont know when, dont know how, just a wish list. No major decsions til after step9, and that will probably take me into 2006, in my world... anythings possible in HP's world, there are NO LIMITS.
sort out my washing, going to bed am tired, bit sad for myself, bit needy (it'll pass) am grateful, grateful, that the two men in my life that I love like no others, have both found a happiness, a comfortableness of their understanding, at last.
good weekend, good for my soul, my spirit
oh yeh, did somemore gap filling, revisited the old rec, streets, I trudged playing kerby & football, getting croggys on the choppers, garages we used to climb up on the top of & the circus we'd bike around. Everythings still there, bit delapidated, bit different, am remembering stuff with a warmt that I never had before, its like all I could remember before was the bad stuff, like it was blocking everything else, blanking my memery. Now its unblocking, my memory starts to come back with the help of triggers. Every streets got a memory.
yeh, on my wish list, a garden, less clutter, a bit of silence at times at home, someone special. dont know when, dont know how, just a wish list. No major decsions til after step9, and that will probably take me into 2006, in my world... anythings possible in HP's world, there are NO LIMITS.
sort out my washing, going to bed am tired, bit sad for myself, bit needy (it'll pass) am grateful, grateful, that the two men in my life that I love like no others, have both found a happiness, a comfortableness of their understanding, at last.
good weekend, good for my soul, my spirit
oh yeh, did somemore gap filling, revisited the old rec, streets, I trudged playing kerby & football, getting croggys on the choppers, garages we used to climb up on the top of & the circus we'd bike around. Everythings still there, bit delapidated, bit different, am remembering stuff with a warmt that I never had before, its like all I could remember before was the bad stuff, like it was blocking everything else, blanking my memery. Now its unblocking, my memory starts to come back with the help of triggers. Every streets got a memory.
Ordinary Day or not ?
If I listed it out again, it would probably be a long eventful day...
Even fitted a meeting in instead of going shopping.
Spent the evening, with folks & family, I am glad that its not often.
Love them but cant live with them.
They dont change, but then why should they, they are happy with themselves
Could go into a full flight character assasination of "how could they come out with that".... but you know how it is & am learning. They just do, just like the last time and the time before, so Its about time I accepted them for who they are, stop fighting. So I think I have, or am getting there, I just forget everytime...a strange mental blankspot going on there.
Except LOL yeh except when its on matters I do know about (well more than they do), like alcoholism and that "AA wont work for someone who has lost more than me...he's gone passed AA..." was the comment. Sorry, I had to intervene there, AA may work for him, how do I know? because I believe what I have heard in the rooms. There are people who have lost more than him, who have got it back & more besides. Its hard when people havent a (yeh arrogant statement, resentment not justified) clue really about Alcoholism, they just see someone as selfish & a waste of time, because they dont see the illness. Pull themselves together etc. They dont see it as a progressive killer illness like cancer. No idea.
Yeh I got a resentment, because they dont see it & we cant help him, until he is ready & yes it is a bloody hard thing to do, to not get involved. I suggested Al-anon for them, theyve ran out of ideas. They can see its killing him slowly. Fucking hell. Its all the yets for me, yet they dont see me as that bad, they dont see that I did lose some of what he did, but in a more respectable way. Yes it is possible to lose stuff & still maintain a level of...to the outside world its all ok. I did it. Was left at the end with a very small world, lonely and isolated. Just what King alcohol wants.
So the difference is, I hit my rock bottom before he has, he is killing himself in full glory of family and friends, I did it in isolation.
I dunno what thats all about, but I got it out. I accept I cannnot change what people think, can only tell them how it is, when they ask or appear to be getting it a bit wrong, in conversation with me. They still may not change what they think. To them I appear normalish, "not as bad" as the other family member. This is really a sad illness.
Am grateful I went to a meeting before going out with a practicing heavy drinker & my close family, who still can grasp that I dont drink, no not even 1. Even when no-one else wanted another drink, not even another coffee for the 2nd time, he still asked me if I wanted a glass of wine, when I said no "stuff you then was his answer" Alcoholic or not, the want he had to have someone else join him reminded me of me.
I let it go, had an interesting evening, learned some family history.
Had a conversation with Grandma to day, she sounded so normal, most people are really I guess, its just my fantasing that keeps people as monsters and trolls for years and years.
This was only gonna be a small blog, I cant help myself, well hey this is my history, when am ancient n decrepit, will need this to remind me what i got upto.
Visited a church today that I have passed in the car thousands of times over my lifetime which has some history of various mysterious kinds & today I stopped & walked up and around its grounds. Its tiny. Nothing special, but it kind of is because it has a " pet name" which describes its state which is totally a myth I found out today. I have never stopped and looked in all these years, today I didnt just think, I did.
Staying sober, Living sober, has opened up extra minutes, or is it that its slowed me down, living in the present moment and allowing me to see how long a minute is & what can be achieved in such a small amount of time.
Continually grateful for being able to fit in, and for fitting in things, i never could before
So much stuff is about growing, and aswell accepting what is & living with what is, I feel thats what am doing in a way, filling in some of the gaps of my history at times, like the "wonder what that church is like" everytime I went past it, well now I know. While I am balking at growing in outside life, i am being productive in expanding & strengthening what is. I realised I know little about my home city, its steeped in history in itself. I could do a tour of sorts in the city I live now, but what do I know about my past, its my roots, I look back with fondness to the city & its name, but know very little of it... or dont I ? Is it that important to me now ? well I dunno I guess when I get back on the train, I will forget these thoughts until I get "home" again.
Thats it now am going to bed. Another good nights sleep in silent surroundings, that I do enjoy and am sorry to leave. The silence deafens me the first night, the empty streets and 11oclock at night. No way am I used to that, living in a city that never sleeps on a road that is never quiet for longer than 5 minutes in the middle of the night.
Yeh i would love a garden next. Please.
Even fitted a meeting in instead of going shopping.
Spent the evening, with folks & family, I am glad that its not often.
Love them but cant live with them.
They dont change, but then why should they, they are happy with themselves
Could go into a full flight character assasination of "how could they come out with that".... but you know how it is & am learning. They just do, just like the last time and the time before, so Its about time I accepted them for who they are, stop fighting. So I think I have, or am getting there, I just forget everytime...a strange mental blankspot going on there.
Except LOL yeh except when its on matters I do know about (well more than they do), like alcoholism and that "AA wont work for someone who has lost more than me...he's gone passed AA..." was the comment. Sorry, I had to intervene there, AA may work for him, how do I know? because I believe what I have heard in the rooms. There are people who have lost more than him, who have got it back & more besides. Its hard when people havent a (yeh arrogant statement, resentment not justified) clue really about Alcoholism, they just see someone as selfish & a waste of time, because they dont see the illness. Pull themselves together etc. They dont see it as a progressive killer illness like cancer. No idea.
Yeh I got a resentment, because they dont see it & we cant help him, until he is ready & yes it is a bloody hard thing to do, to not get involved. I suggested Al-anon for them, theyve ran out of ideas. They can see its killing him slowly. Fucking hell. Its all the yets for me, yet they dont see me as that bad, they dont see that I did lose some of what he did, but in a more respectable way. Yes it is possible to lose stuff & still maintain a level of...to the outside world its all ok. I did it. Was left at the end with a very small world, lonely and isolated. Just what King alcohol wants.
So the difference is, I hit my rock bottom before he has, he is killing himself in full glory of family and friends, I did it in isolation.
I dunno what thats all about, but I got it out. I accept I cannnot change what people think, can only tell them how it is, when they ask or appear to be getting it a bit wrong, in conversation with me. They still may not change what they think. To them I appear normalish, "not as bad" as the other family member. This is really a sad illness.
Am grateful I went to a meeting before going out with a practicing heavy drinker & my close family, who still can grasp that I dont drink, no not even 1. Even when no-one else wanted another drink, not even another coffee for the 2nd time, he still asked me if I wanted a glass of wine, when I said no "stuff you then was his answer" Alcoholic or not, the want he had to have someone else join him reminded me of me.
I let it go, had an interesting evening, learned some family history.
Had a conversation with Grandma to day, she sounded so normal, most people are really I guess, its just my fantasing that keeps people as monsters and trolls for years and years.
This was only gonna be a small blog, I cant help myself, well hey this is my history, when am ancient n decrepit, will need this to remind me what i got upto.
Visited a church today that I have passed in the car thousands of times over my lifetime which has some history of various mysterious kinds & today I stopped & walked up and around its grounds. Its tiny. Nothing special, but it kind of is because it has a " pet name" which describes its state which is totally a myth I found out today. I have never stopped and looked in all these years, today I didnt just think, I did.
Staying sober, Living sober, has opened up extra minutes, or is it that its slowed me down, living in the present moment and allowing me to see how long a minute is & what can be achieved in such a small amount of time.
Continually grateful for being able to fit in, and for fitting in things, i never could before
So much stuff is about growing, and aswell accepting what is & living with what is, I feel thats what am doing in a way, filling in some of the gaps of my history at times, like the "wonder what that church is like" everytime I went past it, well now I know. While I am balking at growing in outside life, i am being productive in expanding & strengthening what is. I realised I know little about my home city, its steeped in history in itself. I could do a tour of sorts in the city I live now, but what do I know about my past, its my roots, I look back with fondness to the city & its name, but know very little of it... or dont I ? Is it that important to me now ? well I dunno I guess when I get back on the train, I will forget these thoughts until I get "home" again.
Thats it now am going to bed. Another good nights sleep in silent surroundings, that I do enjoy and am sorry to leave. The silence deafens me the first night, the empty streets and 11oclock at night. No way am I used to that, living in a city that never sleeps on a road that is never quiet for longer than 5 minutes in the middle of the night.
Yeh i would love a garden next. Please.
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