Turned a corner... keep on keeping on, inspite of the light appearing

I have turned a corner
Stayed up last night
trying to sit down and do an assessment
for this evening
at 1am I finally got a grip and answered a question!
I had to sooo keep asking for my attention
to be returned back to whats in front of me
over and over again!
3.40am I turned off the computer
3/4 assessment done
brain say... no more tonight
let go of the outcome
I dont know whether I slept
or just laid down and faked it
alarm went off
went to work
suddenly its very busy
I rose to the occasion
strange that
work is effortless and I love it when its a full day!
its true
and at lunch did another bit of the assessment
at 5pm - 5.30pm some more
in fact I finished every question
then Uni - took the assessment 6-7
and a lecture 7-9
am I insane?
nah just doing my best
and making the most of opportunity when it comes
for me It came at about 1am last night
suddenly felt a shift
and I milked it for a few hours
keeping on keeping on
No idea how the assessment went
not marked yet
Now to prepare for the next one

What shifted?
Fear or just a moment of clarity, sanity?
Suddenly I read the instructions
The lecturers instructions
of what I am meant to do
and tried the first question
and it suddenly made sense
at that moment
what was unclear, suddenly became clear!
makes sense to me

Now I just have to apply it again
to the next assessment next week
and to the other module
Ching!
Thank God for that

The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink.P24

Why do I think this is relevent to me for the last 24hours?

Step1
For reasons yet obscure
I am unable to control how and when
I am at my best studying
I have lost control (if I ever had any power to control)
I am unable, at certain times
to... study even when the consequences
of not studying are so great
ie loss of marks, hurt pride, humiliation...
punctured ego
I am without defense of when this balking will come
around taking and processing new information
in studies

This is where step 2
I have faith that if I keep on
dont quit
turn up
follow suggestions
even when its not as I would like
wait, let go, try again and again
at somepoint sanity will return
This is anylengths

If I quit when its tough
If I dont open up to my fellows
last night and say
Its really hard and I hit a wall
to my sponsor and say I dont know what to do
follow her suggestions
even when it goes against what I thought was best
even when I told her I wasnt going to do what she suggested
which was step 11 work
I did it anyway!
what the Frik to I know really
if I dont do all this
I retreat into isolation
and I quit before the miracle

See it works
I am coming out of this darkness into the light
I am not saying darkness over
just saying
its all starting to fit again
instead of grind
Phew!

Right I need to go and wash up
my kitchen is a a mess
as a result of me cooking up
good nutritious food
and not being bothered to wash up after
oh the joys of being a student!

What else happened
I got a 12 step call
and someone called me up and asked me to be their sponsor...
See I have no idea
whats going to happen next
and where Gods work will come from
I thought I needed to go to more meetings
to work with newcomers
apparantly NOT ALWAYS!
again
God often provided for me what I thought
I should be doing for myself
but had no idea how to fit it all in!
Let Go Let God

I have another review at work tomorrow
does it ever end?
nope
do I want it to?
nope

Good night
pray for more willingness

anylengths means anylengths

I landed today - with JEFF

The greatest enemies of us alcoholics are resentment,
jealousy, envy, frustration, and fear. P145 Alcoholics Anonymous

Jealous of people I perceive to be what I am not... comparing
Envy of people who have what I want, but cant have... is a lie... it stopped working
Frustration at myself for feeling the above, arent i passed all that now... me the great me
Fear that I will not be able to overcome this lot... ever... hopeless case obviously

JEFF Jealousy, Envy, Frustration, Fear
JEFF, also gave me further stuf... some self pity...
poor fuckin me, am not as well as i thought i was
They are all wrong, am still just a fuck up

I also got told/suggested not to take on any more commitments
Too overloaded, with step4 already... "ok" i sulked

self centeredly i took it as personal insult...
... i obviously am doing it ALL wrong
I may aswell ditch all my future plans then...
Cancel all plans at the weekend, which will inturn impact Christmas
Fuckit I am staying in bed at the weekend to think about it all
Infact dont anyone ever approach me for advice, am too sick
See my best thinking today... lovely thoughts

How unreal, YET VERY REAL my thinking can spiral downwards

Thank God for my home group
Thank God for people who walked this path before me
Thank God for the visitor
You are my teachers
You that tells me your truth, which i learn to be my truth
Thank God I can see alot of the insanity of my thinking
Thank God am not scared to get honest, in an attempt to find the truth

Today has not been effortless
Today I have been doing anylength
Today has been about doing it anyway
Today my old ideas, crept into my head
Today i just did what was suggested
Today I just accepted, I am working it, todays just an odd day
Thank God I dont have to make it on my own
Grateful of the experience of coming down from the convention high
I will try and remember how it was
Its part of the process

Am gonna pray now
for the willingness & removal of my self centred fear
and for acceptance that This Too Shall Pass

Sober and grateful
Tired... so sleep then
Let today Go now, its History