Showing posts with label Love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Love. Show all posts
Monday, November 19, 2012
Love stripped back down leaves Love
Love
Is Ripping off the layers
obedience
i'm left with
unaswered
questions
unasked
questions
chained
by the
unknown
unsaid
melody
of
love
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
sexuality
you knew all along
i'm afraid to speak
denying who I am
yet You say I can feel
you say You want me to feel
yet why do I find it so hard
to let go and be completely free
and say how it is
when you know all along
because you feel like this too
in this position I choose
yet so unsure what I can say
finding appropriate intimacy
in touch with my sexuality
we go our separate ways
no regrets
we are all children of God
knitted together
in imperfect perfectness
finding a second soul
who is unafraid
self control
coming at it with need
coming at it whilst running away
coming at it whilst finding yourself
amongst the debris of your life
intimacy with boundaries
love in its purest form
dont make it into something
it is not
or that it cannot be
not with me
our needs are not the same today
with the choices we made separately
trust that Love is
the Greatest Power on the earth
in Love we can be free
finding and feeling my sexuality
stepping backwards denying who I am
yet stepping into it with grace
trusting timing
idolatory sexuality
mmmm mmmm mmm mmmmmm
mission in this life
to be free to serve others
yet stuck inside and stuck outside
where is the common ground
where is the point of need
finding the point of need to meet
to know God, not left wondering
to make a choice
to know or not
investigate or not
the rooms are so empty
the doors have been closed for so long
exclusion was too easy
a few verses
spoken without Love
slammed the doors shut
slammed the doors shut
leaving the outside out and the inside in
uncomfortable
in the uncomfortable zone
of no common ground
Spirit show us how we do this now
must be a song i there somewhere.... :)
i'm afraid to speak
denying who I am
yet You say I can feel
you say You want me to feel
yet why do I find it so hard
to let go and be completely free
and say how it is
when you know all along
because you feel like this too
in this position I choose
yet so unsure what I can say
finding appropriate intimacy
in touch with my sexuality
we go our separate ways
no regrets
we are all children of God
knitted together
in imperfect perfectness
finding a second soul
who is unafraid
self control
coming at it with need
coming at it whilst running away
coming at it whilst finding yourself
amongst the debris of your life
intimacy with boundaries
love in its purest form
dont make it into something
it is not
or that it cannot be
not with me
our needs are not the same today
with the choices we made separately
trust that Love is
the Greatest Power on the earth
in Love we can be free
finding and feeling my sexuality
stepping backwards denying who I am
yet stepping into it with grace
trusting timing
idolatory sexuality
mmmm mmmm mmm mmmmmm
mission in this life
to be free to serve others
yet stuck inside and stuck outside
where is the common ground
where is the point of need
finding the point of need to meet
to know God, not left wondering
to make a choice
to know or not
investigate or not
the rooms are so empty
the doors have been closed for so long
exclusion was too easy
a few verses
spoken without Love
slammed the doors shut
slammed the doors shut
leaving the outside out and the inside in
uncomfortable
in the uncomfortable zone
of no common ground
Spirit show us how we do this now
must be a song i there somewhere.... :)
Monday, May 24, 2010
Dear Johno
Now about sex. Many of needed an overhauling there. But above all, we tried to be sensible on this question. It's so easy to get way off the track. Here we find human opinions running to extremes-absurd extremes, perhaps. One set of voices cry that sex is a lust of our lower nature, a base necessity of procreation. Then we have the voices who cry for sex and more sex; who bewail the institution of marriage; who think that most of the troubles of the race are traceable to sex causes. They think we do not have enough of it, or that it isn't the right kind. They see its significance everywhere. One school would allow man no flavor for his fare and the other would have us all on a straight pepper diet. We want to stay out of this controversy. We do not want to be the arbiter of anyone's sex conduct. We all have sex problems. We'd hardly be human if we didn't. What can we do about them?
We reviewed our own conduct over the years past. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate? Whom had we hurt? Did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion or bitterness? Where were we at fault, what should we have done instead? We got this all down on paper and looked at it.
In this way we tried to shape a sane and sound ideal for our future sex life. We subjected each relation to this test-was it selfish or not? We asked God to mold our ideals and help us to live up to them. We remembered always that our sex powers were God-given and therefore good, neither to be used lightly or selfishly nor to be despised and loathed.
Whatever our ideal turns out to be, we must be willing to grow toward it. We must
be willing to make amends where we have done harm, provided that we do not bring about still more harm in so doing. In other words, we treat sex as we would any other problem. in meditation, we ask God what we should do about each specific matter. The right answer will come, if we want it.
God alone can judge our sex situation. Counsel with persons is often desirable, but we let God be the final judge. We realize that some people are as fanatical about sex as others are loose. We avoid hysterical thinking or advice.
Suppose we fall short of the chosen ideal and stumble? Does this mean we are going to get drunk. Some people tell us so. But this is only a half-truth. It depends on us and on our motives. If we are sorry for what we have done, and have the honest desire to let God take us to better things, we believe we will be forgiven and will have learned our lesson. If we are not sorry, and our conduct continues to harm others, we are quite sure to drink. We are not theorizing. These are facts out of our experience.
To sum up about sex: We earnestly pray for the right ideal, for guidance in each questionable situation, for sanity, and for the strength to do the right thing. If sex is very troublesome, we throw ourselves the harder into helping others. We think of their needs and work for them. This takes us out of ourselves. It quiets the imperious urge, when to yield would mean heartache. P68-70
Johno not yet
still more work to be done
on you first
i know what you need
you only think you know what you want
you have limited experience
there is so much more
in store :)
pick up your guitar
learn more stuff
i'll show you
paint
put yourself to good use
service
newcomers
hand it over to me
self restraint pleases me
celebacy, not giving in
acceptance
it is how it is
my will for the time being
preparation
:(
johno trust me
quality not quantity
Syds right my time, not yours
sometimes i feel like
you are shielding me
and i dont now if its
from myself
or something else
i know your will
is the best for me
yet i dont know
anything really
faith, hope love
and the greatest of these
is Love...
And if you havent accepted
what is written in step 4
try re-reading step 3
We reviewed our own conduct over the years past. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate? Whom had we hurt? Did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion or bitterness? Where were we at fault, what should we have done instead? We got this all down on paper and looked at it.
In this way we tried to shape a sane and sound ideal for our future sex life. We subjected each relation to this test-was it selfish or not? We asked God to mold our ideals and help us to live up to them. We remembered always that our sex powers were God-given and therefore good, neither to be used lightly or selfishly nor to be despised and loathed.
Whatever our ideal turns out to be, we must be willing to grow toward it. We must
be willing to make amends where we have done harm, provided that we do not bring about still more harm in so doing. In other words, we treat sex as we would any other problem. in meditation, we ask God what we should do about each specific matter. The right answer will come, if we want it.
God alone can judge our sex situation. Counsel with persons is often desirable, but we let God be the final judge. We realize that some people are as fanatical about sex as others are loose. We avoid hysterical thinking or advice.
Suppose we fall short of the chosen ideal and stumble? Does this mean we are going to get drunk. Some people tell us so. But this is only a half-truth. It depends on us and on our motives. If we are sorry for what we have done, and have the honest desire to let God take us to better things, we believe we will be forgiven and will have learned our lesson. If we are not sorry, and our conduct continues to harm others, we are quite sure to drink. We are not theorizing. These are facts out of our experience.
To sum up about sex: We earnestly pray for the right ideal, for guidance in each questionable situation, for sanity, and for the strength to do the right thing. If sex is very troublesome, we throw ourselves the harder into helping others. We think of their needs and work for them. This takes us out of ourselves. It quiets the imperious urge, when to yield would mean heartache. P68-70
Johno not yet
still more work to be done
on you first
i know what you need
you only think you know what you want
you have limited experience
there is so much more
in store :)
pick up your guitar
learn more stuff
i'll show you
paint
put yourself to good use
service
newcomers
hand it over to me
self restraint pleases me
celebacy, not giving in
acceptance
it is how it is
my will for the time being
preparation
:(
johno trust me
quality not quantity
Syds right my time, not yours
sometimes i feel like
you are shielding me
and i dont now if its
from myself
or something else
i know your will
is the best for me
yet i dont know
anything really
faith, hope love
and the greatest of these
is Love...
And if you havent accepted
what is written in step 4
try re-reading step 3
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Love
Is not about fixing
ita about walking along side
living in the truth
being shown the truth
accepting the truth
not being a victim
being a volunteer
a volunteer in Gods plan
being a witness to what God
is capable of
being a channel
handing over my will
entirely, completely
absolutely
anylengths
is not hiding
avoiding
being considerate of others
why worry my family
when theres nothing to tell
day at a time
keep it real
i feel very grateful
to be surrounded in all my affairs
vertically and horizontally
from above and on the earth
surrounded with Love
ita about walking along side
living in the truth
being shown the truth
accepting the truth
not being a victim
being a volunteer
a volunteer in Gods plan
being a witness to what God
is capable of
being a channel
handing over my will
entirely, completely
absolutely
anylengths
is not hiding
avoiding
being considerate of others
why worry my family
when theres nothing to tell
day at a time
keep it real
i feel very grateful
to be surrounded in all my affairs
vertically and horizontally
from above and on the earth
surrounded with Love
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Self centred world
And yet, we kid ourselves
that we take responsibility
that we care
I have noticed recently
how much depend on self
How hard it is to communicate
2 way that is with many people
how hard it is to ask for help
What you mean you can't do it?
What me do that?
Ok only if you...
ask a favour
on return for what?
Nothing, just because you can
how many of us just do things
without any expectancy of anything
how many people are in our lives
that can offer us nothing
who we just see as an oppotunity fir service
not because they are a friend
someone who offers nothing
because they cab give nothing
I have realised that I am looked down on
by some people because I can offer nothing
to them, I earn less than they do
I don't dress in the sme labels
or live in the cool part of town
yet at the same time I have
Opportunities
I have the chance to have
Community
Communication
Commune with
Yet how difficult it is
To maintain it
Each person seems to believe
Their life is
Harder, busier, more important
Than the other
And so we just get on with it
And then find out
Later all that's been going on
They haven't had such a great time
Infact it's hard
Thank god for parents
Thank god for partners
Thank god for whoever
thank god for money, when there us no one
And at the same time
There must be more
what when there is no one
when there is no money
when you have nothing to offer
what then?
I also look down on people
I noticed
I used to belong to a skill swap
You paid with points
And it didn't matter if you didn't have enough points you could still ask
A person with the skill to do something
And they would
You would go overdrawn in points
But utbwas accepted that you would
Eventually earn those points back again
Or not as the case sometimes went
It wasn't about money
Unconditional
Also I read in The Alchemist by Paolo Coehlo about some skill bank or something like I forget
Where you do something for someone
And it just goes into the bank in the sky kind of, the universe knows:)
And at somepoint you will
Reap a favour or good deed from
Someone at some point
I like that
It's like doing something for someone
And not getting found out
Yet how difficult is this to maintain?
How difficult us this in any area
How dfiificukt ut is
I am getting fed up of seeing how
Unkind we are to each other
How little we communicate outside of AA, infact it's very few who donin AA
Loneliness is huge
I know I am not the only one
It's a human condition
Yet hardly recognised
And the symptoms go unrecognised
I use buses and so many people
Are on something, or have smoked
Something or are smoking something
The staring eyes
How many of us
Trawl the Internet looking for
What? Always searching
Googling
Yet there are people around
Who have no one
Never speak to anyone
Never get eye contact
A smile
A squeeze on the arm
Because they can
Not because they have to earn it
Do we care that it's like that?
Is it their fault?
Is it ours?
Why am I even writing about it?
I am seeing why it was said
The local church is the hope of the world
It's there where ? I may be able to
Build the fellowship I crave
The one which I can grow old with
Build up some community
People who know their neigbours
Look out for each other
Know who and where the old peopple are
Notice someones is sick
Support, love, take care
But the greatest of these is Love
1 Corinthians 13:13
It reminds me of when I joined
A home group where we held hands
To say the serenity prayer
I realised how important that
Was to me and why?
From one week to the next
It was the only time I got to
Be touched by another human
that we take responsibility
that we care
I have noticed recently
how much depend on self
How hard it is to communicate
2 way that is with many people
how hard it is to ask for help
What you mean you can't do it?
What me do that?
Ok only if you...
ask a favour
on return for what?
Nothing, just because you can
how many of us just do things
without any expectancy of anything
how many people are in our lives
that can offer us nothing
who we just see as an oppotunity fir service
not because they are a friend
someone who offers nothing
because they cab give nothing
I have realised that I am looked down on
by some people because I can offer nothing
to them, I earn less than they do
I don't dress in the sme labels
or live in the cool part of town
yet at the same time I have
Opportunities
I have the chance to have
Community
Communication
Commune with
Yet how difficult it is
To maintain it
Each person seems to believe
Their life is
Harder, busier, more important
Than the other
And so we just get on with it
And then find out
Later all that's been going on
They haven't had such a great time
Infact it's hard
Thank god for parents
Thank god for partners
Thank god for whoever
thank god for money, when there us no one
And at the same time
There must be more
what when there is no one
when there is no money
when you have nothing to offer
what then?
I also look down on people
I noticed
I used to belong to a skill swap
You paid with points
And it didn't matter if you didn't have enough points you could still ask
A person with the skill to do something
And they would
You would go overdrawn in points
But utbwas accepted that you would
Eventually earn those points back again
Or not as the case sometimes went
It wasn't about money
Unconditional
Also I read in The Alchemist by Paolo Coehlo about some skill bank or something like I forget
Where you do something for someone
And it just goes into the bank in the sky kind of, the universe knows:)
And at somepoint you will
Reap a favour or good deed from
Someone at some point
I like that
It's like doing something for someone
And not getting found out
Yet how difficult is this to maintain?
How difficult us this in any area
How dfiificukt ut is
I am getting fed up of seeing how
Unkind we are to each other
How little we communicate outside of AA, infact it's very few who donin AA
Loneliness is huge
I know I am not the only one
It's a human condition
Yet hardly recognised
And the symptoms go unrecognised
I use buses and so many people
Are on something, or have smoked
Something or are smoking something
The staring eyes
How many of us
Trawl the Internet looking for
What? Always searching
Googling
Yet there are people around
Who have no one
Never speak to anyone
Never get eye contact
A smile
A squeeze on the arm
Because they can
Not because they have to earn it
Do we care that it's like that?
Is it their fault?
Is it ours?
Why am I even writing about it?
I am seeing why it was said
The local church is the hope of the world
It's there where ? I may be able to
Build the fellowship I crave
The one which I can grow old with
Build up some community
People who know their neigbours
Look out for each other
Know who and where the old peopple are
Notice someones is sick
Support, love, take care
But the greatest of these is Love
1 Corinthians 13:13
It reminds me of when I joined
A home group where we held hands
To say the serenity prayer
I realised how important that
Was to me and why?
From one week to the next
It was the only time I got to
Be touched by another human
Tuesday, October 06, 2009
Grace
And so you see I have come to doubt
All that I once held as true
I stand alone without beliefs
The only truth I know is You
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Just for today - accepting powerlessness
Just for today
Just for today
I will adjust myself to what is,
and not try to adjust everything to my own desires.
I will take my "luck" as it comes, and fit myself to it.
yet again
a moment of clarity
a realisation that I am powerless
over everything really
yet at the same time
not in a victim like way
walking through
what seems to be a war zone
when everythings comin' atcha
and evertything seems to be changing
and everything is
i must be the centre of the universe!! hehe
head spinning
old behaviours comin at me
old thoughts
new thoughts
new actions
new opportunities
see what the comfortzone
I once knoew disappreared
a few years ago
and I have not felt it since
although I have felt peace and serenity
and perfection at times
I am not sure I have felt in a comfort zone
for a while now
is this a problem?
well I only just write it
and no it dont feel a problem
just an observation really
at times its all very exhausting
and I suppose thats probably self will
trying to controll the uncontrollable
trying willpower on what I am powerless over
change!
everything changes
my job is to fit myself to be of maximum helpfulness p102
whatever happens
I realised aswell in the last 24 hours
I am powerless over my father smoking
and when he dies
no matter what happens to him
nothing can make him stop
not that really I have tried
this recent treatment will cost him money
will that stop him?
maybe only death with stop him
like drinking
smoking is addition/illnes/disease
smoking is a family illness too
I am not sure that he has any idea
how his recent heart attack has affected
his close family and friends
perhaps when he returns to the UK
he will?
usually I say nothing about his smoking
and gave up talking about it years ago
who am I to judge
and his and his significant other's attitude towards it
is simply none of anyones business
continuing to smoke
after his triple bypass a while back
restraint of tongue and pen does not apply here!
its my stream of consciousness
and i'll cry if I want to :)
i noticed my father carried guilt burdens
which he shared when I made amends
he does not have a program
he does not have a God
to ask for forgiveness from
unconditionally
and thats sad
I read this about building our soul today by Paolo Coelho
Four Forces issue 203
First Force: Love
Rabbi Iaakov’s wife was always looking for an excuse to argue with her husband. Iaakov never answered her provocations.
Until one night when, during a dinner with some friends, the rabbi had a ferocious argument with his wife to the surprise of all at table.
“What happened?” they asked. “Why did you break your habit of never answering?”
“Because I realized that what bothered my wife most was the fact that I remained silent. Acting in this way, I remained far from her emotions. My reaction was an act of love, and I managed to make her understand that I heard her words."
which has changed my attitude
that restraint of tongue and pen
minding my own business
and live and let live
is not always the loving thing
this does not mean
ranting, telling, ordering, ultimatums, sulking is
what i see today
is that I need to pray for the words
ask God to give me the words
to say to my Dad
to express how I do not want him to die
and early death
that seeing him smoking really upsets me
seeing my mum in the last stages
of lung cancer was a frightening
and the memories of what she physically looked
like I do not think I will ever erase
from my mind
I do not think all this is to be said
agai I am expressing
my stream of consciousness
yet at the same time
As with Rabbi Isaakov
If I stay silent he will not know that
I love him and value him being around
My father said to me
twice in two overseas phone calls
from his intensive care bed
"I love you"
I dont remember
him EVER saying me loves me
I know he does
he just doesnt say it
At the same time
I am accepting that he may continue smoking
no matter what I say
and die very soon
or live for a lot longer
or his arteries could collapse on the plane home
or like my mum
he may pack up smoking and be dead within 6 months!
see am powerless
and accepting
and full of fecking wisdom
sometimes i wonder if
ignorance is really bliss
i'm off to denial
smoking doesnt kill right!?
ok, aside from this
I am enjoying friends
making music
beach
local AA
I started a new group at my church
although
being me
theres a battle going on
inside
which leaves me very lonely
and at times
i really dont want to play anymore
although i accept
more and more
I am so blessed
to be more understanding and compassionate
towards myself
to have some very understanding
humans around me
who overlook my shortcomings
and focus on my strengths
and so when stop in fear
pause
pause longer
I turn towards and continue
keep coming back
saw a rainbow yesterday :)
Just for today
I will adjust myself to what is,
and not try to adjust everything to my own desires.
I will take my "luck" as it comes, and fit myself to it.
yet again
a moment of clarity
a realisation that I am powerless
over everything really
yet at the same time
not in a victim like way
walking through
what seems to be a war zone
when everythings comin' atcha
and evertything seems to be changing
and everything is
i must be the centre of the universe!! hehe
head spinning
old behaviours comin at me
old thoughts
new thoughts
new actions
new opportunities
see what the comfortzone
I once knoew disappreared
a few years ago
and I have not felt it since
although I have felt peace and serenity
and perfection at times
I am not sure I have felt in a comfort zone
for a while now
is this a problem?
well I only just write it
and no it dont feel a problem
just an observation really
at times its all very exhausting
and I suppose thats probably self will
trying to controll the uncontrollable
trying willpower on what I am powerless over
change!
everything changes
my job is to fit myself to be of maximum helpfulness p102
whatever happens
I realised aswell in the last 24 hours
I am powerless over my father smoking
and when he dies
no matter what happens to him
nothing can make him stop
not that really I have tried
this recent treatment will cost him money
will that stop him?
maybe only death with stop him
like drinking
smoking is addition/illnes/disease
smoking is a family illness too
I am not sure that he has any idea
how his recent heart attack has affected
his close family and friends
perhaps when he returns to the UK
he will?
usually I say nothing about his smoking
and gave up talking about it years ago
who am I to judge
and his and his significant other's attitude towards it
is simply none of anyones business
continuing to smoke
after his triple bypass a while back
restraint of tongue and pen does not apply here!
its my stream of consciousness
and i'll cry if I want to :)
i noticed my father carried guilt burdens
which he shared when I made amends
he does not have a program
he does not have a God
to ask for forgiveness from
unconditionally
and thats sad
I read this about building our soul today by Paolo Coelho
Four Forces issue 203
First Force: Love
Rabbi Iaakov’s wife was always looking for an excuse to argue with her husband. Iaakov never answered her provocations.
Until one night when, during a dinner with some friends, the rabbi had a ferocious argument with his wife to the surprise of all at table.
“What happened?” they asked. “Why did you break your habit of never answering?”
“Because I realized that what bothered my wife most was the fact that I remained silent. Acting in this way, I remained far from her emotions. My reaction was an act of love, and I managed to make her understand that I heard her words."
which has changed my attitude
that restraint of tongue and pen
minding my own business
and live and let live
is not always the loving thing
this does not mean
ranting, telling, ordering, ultimatums, sulking is
what i see today
is that I need to pray for the words
ask God to give me the words
to say to my Dad
to express how I do not want him to die
and early death
that seeing him smoking really upsets me
seeing my mum in the last stages
of lung cancer was a frightening
and the memories of what she physically looked
like I do not think I will ever erase
from my mind
I do not think all this is to be said
agai I am expressing
my stream of consciousness
yet at the same time
As with Rabbi Isaakov
If I stay silent he will not know that
I love him and value him being around
My father said to me
twice in two overseas phone calls
from his intensive care bed
"I love you"
I dont remember
him EVER saying me loves me
I know he does
he just doesnt say it
At the same time
I am accepting that he may continue smoking
no matter what I say
and die very soon
or live for a lot longer
or his arteries could collapse on the plane home
or like my mum
he may pack up smoking and be dead within 6 months!
see am powerless
and accepting
and full of fecking wisdom
sometimes i wonder if
ignorance is really bliss
i'm off to denial
smoking doesnt kill right!?
ok, aside from this
I am enjoying friends
making music
beach
local AA
I started a new group at my church
although
being me
theres a battle going on
inside
which leaves me very lonely
and at times
i really dont want to play anymore
although i accept
more and more
I am so blessed
to be more understanding and compassionate
towards myself
to have some very understanding
humans around me
who overlook my shortcomings
and focus on my strengths
and so when stop in fear
pause
pause longer
I turn towards and continue
keep coming back
saw a rainbow yesterday :)
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
.... must believe-that the body of the alcoholic is quite as abnormal as his mind. Dr's Opinion
Fear and Love do not live in the same moment
Life and death do not live in the same moment
where there is fear there is no love
where there is love there is no fear
where there is life there is no death
where there is death there is no life
I live each day with thoughts of death
more than one a day
I do
I used to think this was a weakness
not working my programme
mental
suicidal
now I see it as a part of me
I live each day with thoughts of good things to come
more than one a day
I do
natural
living
now I see it as a part of me
I also see that they come and they go
the death negative fear thoughts
they come and they go
and they come again and they go
the more I pray when they come
the less time they hang around
the more change and action and progress i make
the more they come and with them fear
the more prayer and doing Gods will I do
the more progress I make the more fear comes
the more I rely on Gods will
the more progress I make
into unknown territory
out of what my mind knows or even had thought about
beyond zebra... past Zee
out of my comfort zone
any lengths
I wonder at the moment
how long I have to live with these great Powers within
and whether at somepoint one will overcome the other
I really hope Love will conquer all
At times its exhausting
At times I really am sick of this
At times I just want to take a pill and zone out
Though really I dont!
Being chronically self centred
I am fascinated by the way I am
and what I am becoming
I am more accepting of who I am
than I have ever been
and more willing to work with god
to become what he wants
because 99% of the time thesedays I KNOW its gonna be good
And I am having a really good time
them thoughts no longer hold me back
take away my humour, humanness
though they damn well try!!
Although what I am experiencing is
its not what I do that makes it go away
its the prayer
its the acceptance
its the turning towards
its accepting Love is the answer
in those Mind Games
This is who I am
In your hands God
to do with me as thou wilt
show me my part
and give me the power
to carry it out!
Anylengths
what? where did YOU come from?
Reminding ourselves that we have decided to go to any lengths to find a spiritual experience, we ask that we be given strength and direction to do the right thing, no matter what the personal consequences may be.
Its on Page 79
Lots a love
God
Life and death do not live in the same moment
where there is fear there is no love
where there is love there is no fear
where there is life there is no death
where there is death there is no life
I live each day with thoughts of death
more than one a day
I do
I used to think this was a weakness
not working my programme
mental
suicidal
now I see it as a part of me
I live each day with thoughts of good things to come
more than one a day
I do
natural
living
now I see it as a part of me
I also see that they come and they go
the death negative fear thoughts
they come and they go
and they come again and they go
the more I pray when they come
the less time they hang around
the more change and action and progress i make
the more they come and with them fear
the more prayer and doing Gods will I do
the more progress I make the more fear comes
the more I rely on Gods will
the more progress I make
into unknown territory
out of what my mind knows or even had thought about
beyond zebra... past Zee
out of my comfort zone
any lengths
I wonder at the moment
how long I have to live with these great Powers within
and whether at somepoint one will overcome the other
I really hope Love will conquer all
At times its exhausting
At times I really am sick of this
At times I just want to take a pill and zone out
Though really I dont!
Being chronically self centred
I am fascinated by the way I am
and what I am becoming
I am more accepting of who I am
than I have ever been
and more willing to work with god
to become what he wants
because 99% of the time thesedays I KNOW its gonna be good
And I am having a really good time
them thoughts no longer hold me back
take away my humour, humanness
though they damn well try!!
Although what I am experiencing is
its not what I do that makes it go away
its the prayer
its the acceptance
its the turning towards
its accepting Love is the answer
in those Mind Games
This is who I am
In your hands God
to do with me as thou wilt
show me my part
and give me the power
to carry it out!
Anylengths
what? where did YOU come from?
Reminding ourselves that we have decided to go to any lengths to find a spiritual experience, we ask that we be given strength and direction to do the right thing, no matter what the personal consequences may be.
Its on Page 79
Lots a love
God
Monday, November 24, 2008
Do what you can . Not what you cant . or and acceptance is the answer...
I have accepted that changing
IS taking place whether I embrace it or not
and although I didnt know I was fighting it
my physical health tells me I have been
Its official I have let go some!
and I am changing, transforming
into what? God knows
Do what you can
not what you cant
I have been feeling less than
because I havent been able to do things
which I see my AA peers doing
and wondering whether I am making the progress
I think I am
and no matter how much
I try and do them things
its not possible
the doors keep shutting
I remain willing though
I am accepting sponsorship is
not on Gods plan for me at the moment
what I am seeing is that
he wants me integrating locally
not as an alcoholic
but as a good human being
(that you made me)
I found a local church
not of the denomination I would have
ordinarily chosen
but I went and joined in some
err fellowship believe it or not
and felt welcomed, part of
yeh its pretty lonely here
studying and working
meeting times are few and far between
BUT they would have been had I not moved
this is NOT a location issue
energy levels are depleting
God found me a church 7minutes walk away
in the heart of the neighbourhood
and they are active in stuff
also whats been suggested is
some voluntary work locally
to compliment my studies
i have no idea how I am to fit all this in
i am knackered already
but what I do know
is that if God wants me doing it
he WILL provide me what I need to do it
Its pretty challenging trying to figure out
what Gods will is for me
because it keeps changing
i know not to fight it
but what I dont know yet is often how to recognise
the change over signals
i'm still trying to climb the barbed wire fence
to what I know, what is familiar
when actually he wants me somewhere else
thats why the fence went up
Nightmares are coming
weird stuff
I mean weird
fraid of sleeping again
although that wont stop me
its all part of my mind reacting to the change
it knows is coming
all part of acceptance completely
This last week or so I am questioning
why I am studying
I am finding it very difficult
doing it, working out whats required
and fitting it all in
with work as well and all that
i dunno whats gonna happen
its affecting work
and work is affecting study
I am struggling to separate the two
so the desparate part of me says
well quit the course then!
the faithful and truthful part goes
well you only want to quit cos you
dont want to fail or get a crap mark!
and whet the heck will I do
IF I dont do this?
dispappear back into the rooms
and become a meeting junkie
and get bitter... like I used to be
if nothing changes they stop as they are
and for this ex drunk, who never took risks
life has become one continual risk
RECENTLY
its a flippin good job you are here GOD
and I am with you GOD
what the feck
I am freezing
cant get my heating to work properly
making do... with what I have
NOT what I havent!
Duvets, sweaters, layers
whats that no one ever died from cold!
err yes they did haha...
I am not that cold! exagerating
but its cold...
and when I was in the great war
we never had heating
only candles and fingerless gloves
ok, i'm off to do some more study
make another cuppa coffee
make an honest attempt
at another assignment
and see what happens
yours knackerdly grateful and sober
smiling with a snot icicle forming
God said
Johno remember you agreed to go to anylengths
My will not yours be done
well you are!
that praying you stepped out and did during the day?
do more of it
and that reading you did this morning?
do it again tomorrow
blind faith, obedience
discipline
persistance with less resistance
get on with it
and trust me
I love you
ok...ok
I love You too
IS taking place whether I embrace it or not
and although I didnt know I was fighting it
my physical health tells me I have been
Its official I have let go some!
and I am changing, transforming
into what? God knows
Do what you can
not what you cant
I have been feeling less than
because I havent been able to do things
which I see my AA peers doing
and wondering whether I am making the progress
I think I am
and no matter how much
I try and do them things
its not possible
the doors keep shutting
I remain willing though
I am accepting sponsorship is
not on Gods plan for me at the moment
what I am seeing is that
he wants me integrating locally
not as an alcoholic
but as a good human being
(that you made me)
I found a local church
not of the denomination I would have
ordinarily chosen
but I went and joined in some
err fellowship believe it or not
and felt welcomed, part of
yeh its pretty lonely here
studying and working
meeting times are few and far between
BUT they would have been had I not moved
this is NOT a location issue
energy levels are depleting
God found me a church 7minutes walk away
in the heart of the neighbourhood
and they are active in stuff
also whats been suggested is
some voluntary work locally
to compliment my studies
i have no idea how I am to fit all this in
i am knackered already
but what I do know
is that if God wants me doing it
he WILL provide me what I need to do it
Its pretty challenging trying to figure out
what Gods will is for me
because it keeps changing
i know not to fight it
but what I dont know yet is often how to recognise
the change over signals
i'm still trying to climb the barbed wire fence
to what I know, what is familiar
when actually he wants me somewhere else
thats why the fence went up
Nightmares are coming
weird stuff
I mean weird
fraid of sleeping again
although that wont stop me
its all part of my mind reacting to the change
it knows is coming
all part of acceptance completely
This last week or so I am questioning
why I am studying
I am finding it very difficult
doing it, working out whats required
and fitting it all in
with work as well and all that
i dunno whats gonna happen
its affecting work
and work is affecting study
I am struggling to separate the two
so the desparate part of me says
well quit the course then!
the faithful and truthful part goes
well you only want to quit cos you
dont want to fail or get a crap mark!
and whet the heck will I do
IF I dont do this?
dispappear back into the rooms
and become a meeting junkie
and get bitter... like I used to be
if nothing changes they stop as they are
and for this ex drunk, who never took risks
life has become one continual risk
RECENTLY
its a flippin good job you are here GOD
and I am with you GOD
what the feck
I am freezing
cant get my heating to work properly
making do... with what I have
NOT what I havent!
Duvets, sweaters, layers
whats that no one ever died from cold!
err yes they did haha...
I am not that cold! exagerating
but its cold...
and when I was in the great war
we never had heating
only candles and fingerless gloves
ok, i'm off to do some more study
make another cuppa coffee
make an honest attempt
at another assignment
and see what happens
yours knackerdly grateful and sober
smiling with a snot icicle forming
God said
Johno remember you agreed to go to anylengths
My will not yours be done
well you are!
that praying you stepped out and did during the day?
do more of it
and that reading you did this morning?
do it again tomorrow
blind faith, obedience
discipline
persistance with less resistance
get on with it
and trust me
I love you
ok...ok
I love You too
Saturday, October 04, 2008
Monday, September 22, 2008
Paulo Coehlo - The third cardinal virtue: Love
The Warrior of Light No. 181
The third cardinal virtue: Love
According to the dictionary: from the Latin amor: strong affection that drives us towards the object of our desires; inclination of the soul and heart; affection; passion; exclusive inclination; theological grace.
In the New Testament: So faith, hope and love endure. These are the great three, and the greatest of them is love. (Corinthians 13:13)
According to etymology: the Greeks had three words to designate love: Eros, Philos and Agape. Eros is the healthy love between two persons that justifies life and perpetuates the human race. Philos is the sentiment that we dedicate to our friends. Finally, Agape, which contains both Eros and Philos, goes far beyond “liking” someone. Agape is total love, the love that devours those who feel it. For Catholics, this was the love that Jesus felt for humanity, and it was so great that it shook the stars and changed the course of the history of men. Those who know and feel Agape realize that nothing else in this world has any importance, only loving.
For Oscar Wilde:
Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard,
Some do it with a bitter look,
Some with a flattering word,
The coward does it with a kiss,
The brave man with a sword!
(Ballad of Reading Jail, 1898)
In a late 19th century sermon: Pour your love generously on the poor, which is easy; and on the rich, who distrust everybody and cannot see the love that they so need. And on your neighbor – which is very difficult, because it is towards him that we are most selfish. Love. Never lose a chance to give joy to your neighbor, because you will be the first to benefit from this – even if nobody knows what you are doing. The world around you will become happier, and things will become easier for you.
I am in this world living the present. Any good thing that I can do, or any happiness that I can bring to others, please tell me. Don’t let me put things off or forget, because I shall never live this moment again. (Henry Drummond The Supreme Gift, [1851-1897])
In an e-mail received by the author: “While I kept my heart to myself, I never had a single morning of anguish or a single night of insomnia. Since I fell in love, my life has been a sequence of anguish, losses, confusion. I think that God, by using love, managed to hide hell in the middle of Paradise” (C.A., 23/11/2006)
For science: In the year 2000, researchers Andreas Bartels and Semir Zeki, of University College in London, located the areas of the brain activated by romantic love by using a series of students who claimed to be madly in love. In the first place, they concluded that the zones affected by the sentiment are far smaller than they had imagined, and are the same as those activated by stimuli of euphoria, such as in using cocaine, for example. Which led the authors to conclude that love is similar to the manifestation of physical dependence provoked by drugs.
Also using the same system of scanning the brain, scientist Helen Fisher, of Rutgers University, concludes that three characteristics of love (sex, romanticism and mutual dependence) stimulate different areas of the cortex, and further conclude that we can be in love with one person, want to make love to another, and live with a third.
For a poet: Love possesses nothing and does not want to be possessed, because it is enough in itself. It will make you grow, and then throw you on the ground. It will whip you so that you feel your impotence, it will shake you to rid you of all your impurities. It will crush you to leave you flexible.
And then it will toss you in the fire so that you can become the blessed bread to be served at God’s sacred feast (The Prophet, by Khalil Gibran [1883-1931])
(next Warrior of Light Online Wisdom)
The third cardinal virtue: Love
According to the dictionary: from the Latin amor: strong affection that drives us towards the object of our desires; inclination of the soul and heart; affection; passion; exclusive inclination; theological grace.
In the New Testament: So faith, hope and love endure. These are the great three, and the greatest of them is love. (Corinthians 13:13)
According to etymology: the Greeks had three words to designate love: Eros, Philos and Agape. Eros is the healthy love between two persons that justifies life and perpetuates the human race. Philos is the sentiment that we dedicate to our friends. Finally, Agape, which contains both Eros and Philos, goes far beyond “liking” someone. Agape is total love, the love that devours those who feel it. For Catholics, this was the love that Jesus felt for humanity, and it was so great that it shook the stars and changed the course of the history of men. Those who know and feel Agape realize that nothing else in this world has any importance, only loving.
For Oscar Wilde:
Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard,
Some do it with a bitter look,
Some with a flattering word,
The coward does it with a kiss,
The brave man with a sword!
(Ballad of Reading Jail, 1898)
In a late 19th century sermon: Pour your love generously on the poor, which is easy; and on the rich, who distrust everybody and cannot see the love that they so need. And on your neighbor – which is very difficult, because it is towards him that we are most selfish. Love. Never lose a chance to give joy to your neighbor, because you will be the first to benefit from this – even if nobody knows what you are doing. The world around you will become happier, and things will become easier for you.
I am in this world living the present. Any good thing that I can do, or any happiness that I can bring to others, please tell me. Don’t let me put things off or forget, because I shall never live this moment again. (Henry Drummond The Supreme Gift, [1851-1897])
In an e-mail received by the author: “While I kept my heart to myself, I never had a single morning of anguish or a single night of insomnia. Since I fell in love, my life has been a sequence of anguish, losses, confusion. I think that God, by using love, managed to hide hell in the middle of Paradise” (C.A., 23/11/2006)
For science: In the year 2000, researchers Andreas Bartels and Semir Zeki, of University College in London, located the areas of the brain activated by romantic love by using a series of students who claimed to be madly in love. In the first place, they concluded that the zones affected by the sentiment are far smaller than they had imagined, and are the same as those activated by stimuli of euphoria, such as in using cocaine, for example. Which led the authors to conclude that love is similar to the manifestation of physical dependence provoked by drugs.
Also using the same system of scanning the brain, scientist Helen Fisher, of Rutgers University, concludes that three characteristics of love (sex, romanticism and mutual dependence) stimulate different areas of the cortex, and further conclude that we can be in love with one person, want to make love to another, and live with a third.
For a poet: Love possesses nothing and does not want to be possessed, because it is enough in itself. It will make you grow, and then throw you on the ground. It will whip you so that you feel your impotence, it will shake you to rid you of all your impurities. It will crush you to leave you flexible.
And then it will toss you in the fire so that you can become the blessed bread to be served at God’s sacred feast (The Prophet, by Khalil Gibran [1883-1931])
(next Warrior of Light Online Wisdom)
Monday, September 08, 2008
Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely. P58 - Roar!
Is not our age characterized by the ease with which we discard old ideas for new, by the complete readiness with which we throw away the theory or gadget which does not work for something new which does? P52
This is a higgledy piggledy
but its exactly how I feel today
its all there
but coming around in the wrong order
I KNOW WHAT I MEAN! kind of day...
Almost a kind of acceptance that I have faith
and I need to do the next right thing regardless
and I am enough
now is not the time for proving anything
just be myself
like I was 2 weeks ago
the footwork is done really
I just need to continue and maintain
the standards I have already met
and just keep doing it
and have faith
let go absolutely!!
AND
Be prepared to look at this from an entirely different angle! P66
"Dont Crack up
Bend your brains
See both sides
Throw of your mental chains
Woo hoo hoo!!
New Song
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5vwRRM9Kwjc&feature=related
We had to ask ourselves why we shouldn´t apply to our human problems this same readiness to change our point of view. We were having trouble with personal relationships, we couldn´t control our emotional natures, we were a prey to misery and depression, we couldn´t make a living, we had a feeling of uselessness, we were full of fear, we were unhappy, we couldn´t seem to be of real help to other people-was not a basic solution of these bedevilments more important than whether we should see newsreels of lunar flight? Of course it was.
When we saw others solve their problems by a simple reliance upon the Spirit of the Universe, we had to stop doubting the power of God. Our ideas did not work. But the God idea did.
When we saw others solve their problems by a simple reliance upon the Spirit of the Universe, we had to stop doubting the power of God. Our ideas did not work. But the God idea did. P52
Today
Restraint of tongue and pen
do whats required not what I think eeds doing
pray loads
take inventory
pray loads
stop worrying
We began to see that the world and its people really dominated us. In that state, the wrong-doing of others, fancied or real, had power to actually kill. How could we escape? We saw that these resentments must be mastered, but how? We could not wish them away any more than alcohol.P66
Dont sit at home feeling restless irritable and discontented
Go and get you hair cut
Go to a meeting
share your experience
ask for help
show yourREALself in good times and challenging times
There is scarcely any form of trouble and misery which has not been overcome among us. P15
without my pride
listen to what tools are out there that I have forgotten TODAY
and receive strength from a strong AA meeting
receive guidance
do whats suggested
Suggestions
Read working with others
keep praying
Roar!
Came out of the meeting
and ROARED very loudly!! (like a lion)
God i needed that
have you tried roaring?
trying it
its much more healing than a scream
in fact i dont think I could summon a scream
ROARING like a lion is far cooler!!
if you get it right
it comes from the solar plexis
it felt that good
I did it again
much to the amusement of
myself and others
yeh we laughed!
Sponsor - "if this makes you do more praying..."
yeh i know... thats a good thing!
This is a higgledy piggledy
but its exactly how I feel today
its all there
but coming around in the wrong order
I KNOW WHAT I MEAN! kind of day...
Almost a kind of acceptance that I have faith
and I need to do the next right thing regardless
and I am enough
now is not the time for proving anything
just be myself
like I was 2 weeks ago
the footwork is done really
I just need to continue and maintain
the standards I have already met
and just keep doing it
and have faith
let go absolutely!!
AND
Be prepared to look at this from an entirely different angle! P66
"Dont Crack up
Bend your brains
See both sides
Throw of your mental chains
Woo hoo hoo!!
New Song
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5vwRRM9Kwjc&feature=related
We had to ask ourselves why we shouldn´t apply to our human problems this same readiness to change our point of view. We were having trouble with personal relationships, we couldn´t control our emotional natures, we were a prey to misery and depression, we couldn´t make a living, we had a feeling of uselessness, we were full of fear, we were unhappy, we couldn´t seem to be of real help to other people-was not a basic solution of these bedevilments more important than whether we should see newsreels of lunar flight? Of course it was.
When we saw others solve their problems by a simple reliance upon the Spirit of the Universe, we had to stop doubting the power of God. Our ideas did not work. But the God idea did.
When we saw others solve their problems by a simple reliance upon the Spirit of the Universe, we had to stop doubting the power of God. Our ideas did not work. But the God idea did. P52
Today
Restraint of tongue and pen
do whats required not what I think eeds doing
pray loads
take inventory
pray loads
stop worrying
We began to see that the world and its people really dominated us. In that state, the wrong-doing of others, fancied or real, had power to actually kill. How could we escape? We saw that these resentments must be mastered, but how? We could not wish them away any more than alcohol.P66
Dont sit at home feeling restless irritable and discontented
Go and get you hair cut
Go to a meeting
share your experience
ask for help
show yourREALself in good times and challenging times
There is scarcely any form of trouble and misery which has not been overcome among us. P15
without my pride
listen to what tools are out there that I have forgotten TODAY
and receive strength from a strong AA meeting
receive guidance
do whats suggested
Suggestions
Read working with others
keep praying
Roar!
Came out of the meeting
and ROARED very loudly!! (like a lion)
God i needed that
have you tried roaring?
trying it
its much more healing than a scream
in fact i dont think I could summon a scream
ROARING like a lion is far cooler!!
if you get it right
it comes from the solar plexis
it felt that good
I did it again
much to the amusement of
myself and others
yeh we laughed!
Sponsor - "if this makes you do more praying..."
yeh i know... thats a good thing!
Saturday, May 24, 2008
No coincidences - I hear you - God
Thought for the day
Inner Space
Laws Of Success
The greatest mistake - Giving up. The greatest crippler - Fear. The greatest handicap - Ego. The most potent force - Positive. The greatest thought - God. The greatest victory - Victory over the self.
God speaks through people places and things
Touched by angels
God is everything
I speak my mind, hand it over
I thank you for your CARE and love back
The mind is not something to underestimate
Though its wise to seek counsel
or at least stop and pause
when it speaks negatively
as it sometimes does
Yummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Yummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Yummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Inner Space
Laws Of Success
The greatest mistake - Giving up. The greatest crippler - Fear. The greatest handicap - Ego. The most potent force - Positive. The greatest thought - God. The greatest victory - Victory over the self.
God speaks through people places and things
Touched by angels
God is everything
I speak my mind, hand it over
I thank you for your CARE and love back
The mind is not something to underestimate
Though its wise to seek counsel
or at least stop and pause
when it speaks negatively
as it sometimes does
Yummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Yummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Yummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Friday, May 09, 2008
More stuff that came across me - reason? God wants me happy joyeous and free
Silent gratitude isn't very much use to anyone.
---Gertrude Stein
(nicked it off the bottom of a Christine email)
Peace
Stay full of peace yourself and know that this peace
will reach your loved ones and ultimately the whole world.
Inner Space
Resist Not
Have you ever noticed that resistance leads to persistence. And behind all resistance is self-created fear. The only way to relax and stay relaxed is acceptance. You don't have to agree, or follow, or condone, but acceptance means you begin any interaction with a serenity which invites others to engage with you. And out of engagement comes the satisfaction of creative expression and an enriching relationship. That's relaxation in action!
Inner Space
And finally
Keep it in the day - Dont project - Read Step 3
Pray earnestly!
Sponsor suggestions
I had a 5 days left and I had a I
dont want the course to end moment
Why? i was listening to my fear
of a topic we MAY cover next year
I am afraid of
how the subject will make me feel
See how projecting - Fear
Fears - solution dont hand in the essay
and dont do the exam... simple
Thanks Fear you really have my
best interests at the frefront huh! NOT
Gods solution - Prayed for fear to be removed an for my attention
to be turned to what You (thats God) would have me be
(from Step 4 in Big book)
yeh man, done the God thing :)
Prayed like my life depends on it
I have no idea when my internet
will and wont connect
its all very strange
but the sky has not fallen in
see even though I handed it over a while back
I still doubted!
and I got that wrong! more faith required!
essay deadline met today
I stopped breathing at one point
found myself holding my breath
for far too long
not consciously
i just do it
why do I do that?
no idea!
i just do
I only noticed when I started
to feel weird
and then remembered to breathe
and i cant control how fast
the train arrives
and I may aswell breathe while I am waiting!
Ok, i'm off to read step 3
and pray earnestly some more
I love my sponsor
I love God
I love the Sun
I love that Mollys mohican hair cutted birds
now have bellys bigger than their eyes
instead of the other way around
I love that I am sober
I love my fellow students
I love being a student
I love learning
I love that can I love and its lasting
I love that I didnt lose the faith
I love that at times having the willingness
to reach out to Gods waiting love filled finger tip
I love that childlike ET reaching out
I love that I keep coming back
I love the strength you gave me
I love that I try and see Your will
I love that try and carry it out
I love that you gave me the concept of willingness
Love rocks!!
I'm off to pray earnestly and read step 3
Oh yeh i noticed pints of lager this week
Unsuprisingly, it was when I was
Hungry, Lonely or Tired
H.A.L.T its a very important tool
I saw these ladies live about 15 years ago
I still love their music - enjoy
Chris While & Julie Matthews
It's a wonderful life
---Gertrude Stein
(nicked it off the bottom of a Christine email)
Peace
Stay full of peace yourself and know that this peace
will reach your loved ones and ultimately the whole world.
Inner Space
Resist Not
Have you ever noticed that resistance leads to persistence. And behind all resistance is self-created fear. The only way to relax and stay relaxed is acceptance. You don't have to agree, or follow, or condone, but acceptance means you begin any interaction with a serenity which invites others to engage with you. And out of engagement comes the satisfaction of creative expression and an enriching relationship. That's relaxation in action!
Inner Space
And finally
Keep it in the day - Dont project - Read Step 3
Pray earnestly!
Sponsor suggestions
I had a 5 days left and I had a I
dont want the course to end moment
Why? i was listening to my fear
of a topic we MAY cover next year
I am afraid of
how the subject will make me feel
See how projecting - Fear
Fears - solution dont hand in the essay
and dont do the exam... simple
Thanks Fear you really have my
best interests at the frefront huh! NOT
Gods solution - Prayed for fear to be removed an for my attention
to be turned to what You (thats God) would have me be
(from Step 4 in Big book)
yeh man, done the God thing :)
Prayed like my life depends on it
I have no idea when my internet
will and wont connect
its all very strange
but the sky has not fallen in
see even though I handed it over a while back
I still doubted!
and I got that wrong! more faith required!
essay deadline met today
I stopped breathing at one point
found myself holding my breath
for far too long
not consciously
i just do it
why do I do that?
no idea!
i just do
I only noticed when I started
to feel weird
and then remembered to breathe
and i cant control how fast
the train arrives
and I may aswell breathe while I am waiting!
Ok, i'm off to read step 3
and pray earnestly some more
I love my sponsor
I love God
I love the Sun
I love that Mollys mohican hair cutted birds
now have bellys bigger than their eyes
instead of the other way around
I love that I am sober
I love my fellow students
I love being a student
I love learning
I love that can I love and its lasting
I love that I didnt lose the faith
I love that at times having the willingness
to reach out to Gods waiting love filled finger tip
I love that childlike ET reaching out
I love that I keep coming back
I love the strength you gave me
I love that I try and see Your will
I love that try and carry it out
I love that you gave me the concept of willingness
Love rocks!!
I'm off to pray earnestly and read step 3
Oh yeh i noticed pints of lager this week
Unsuprisingly, it was when I was
Hungry, Lonely or Tired
H.A.L.T its a very important tool
I saw these ladies live about 15 years ago
I still love their music - enjoy
Chris While & Julie Matthews
It's a wonderful life
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
I wish I had self restraint on blogging
when I get the cahnce I do it
when I dont have it
it isnt so bad
Finally had a chat with guy at work
regarding AA
simple chat
gave him newcomer pack and meeting directory
said my boss who is also his boss
is very supportive and understanding
when I told her about AA and alcoholism
as I understand it in me
said I would be happy to with him
to a meeting if he needed
and would recommend some if needed to
Also made it clear that the decision
now is his
I will not push it
not because I dont care
simply because its now up to him
said to AA is not the only resource
for alcoholism, but its the only one
which I have found made sense
and made any lasting difference to me
also suggested he try a few meetings
and not judge AA on one meeting
and go perhaps not thinking he is an alky
simply to speak with those who
know they are and see what happens
after a reasonable period of time
he may find he is or may find he isnt
either way he will have made a few friends
and have a found a resource he may end up
recommending to some one else
even if he doesnt find us useful himself
he seemed ok with all that
even looked in the directory
and pointed out to me a local meeting to him
Time to let go now
and
remember my primary purpose at work
is to support the people I am paid to support
I am no-ones pysch, trainer, manager or life coach...
keep it simple
I still have no desire to arrive on time at 9am to work
I did arrive at work at 8.55am today
I will continue to pray for
the willingness to have my
attitude towards 9am starts changed
Football may be off
some ladies dropped out
not sure yet
its all getting a bit political!?
Studying is really hard
I have no confidence in my understanding
I feel like I haven't got this semester atall
and am feeling really odd
and afraid, though not terrified
I am willing to accept a fail
though I am afraid of how I will react
more faith
less projecting
get on with studying in the present
its really random dude!
study as you can
not as you cant!
Friend who is sick
Thinking of her often
not sure what i am to do
carry on as I am
and wait and let go
not in a victim or defeatest way
without thinking the worst or full of hope
just let go and remain balanced
neutral, in the middle ground
as much as possible
and get on with whats in front of me
instead of what isnt
this is not entirely what I want to do
but it seems its what I need to do
I dont know what I dont know
this is a new experience
and it seems there are no rules
Its all unfamiliar
whatever
She has that Jesus fella
Sponsor, a heap of experts
lots of experience
in life
all i know to do is
wait patiently
not easy though
Love her in my thoughts and prayers
and on my blog
so I am
and thanks to you, I refuse to ever watch
walking with dinosaurs again
I have been traumatised for life!!
and no I wont pray for them!
But this is for you...
I am Lovin' the spring warmth
we are being graced with
Thank you God
when I dont have it
it isnt so bad
Finally had a chat with guy at work
regarding AA
simple chat
gave him newcomer pack and meeting directory
said my boss who is also his boss
is very supportive and understanding
when I told her about AA and alcoholism
as I understand it in me
said I would be happy to with him
to a meeting if he needed
and would recommend some if needed to
Also made it clear that the decision
now is his
I will not push it
not because I dont care
simply because its now up to him
said to AA is not the only resource
for alcoholism, but its the only one
which I have found made sense
and made any lasting difference to me
also suggested he try a few meetings
and not judge AA on one meeting
and go perhaps not thinking he is an alky
simply to speak with those who
know they are and see what happens
after a reasonable period of time
he may find he is or may find he isnt
either way he will have made a few friends
and have a found a resource he may end up
recommending to some one else
even if he doesnt find us useful himself
he seemed ok with all that
even looked in the directory
and pointed out to me a local meeting to him
Time to let go now
and
remember my primary purpose at work
is to support the people I am paid to support
I am no-ones pysch, trainer, manager or life coach...
keep it simple
I still have no desire to arrive on time at 9am to work
I did arrive at work at 8.55am today
I will continue to pray for
the willingness to have my
attitude towards 9am starts changed
Football may be off
some ladies dropped out
not sure yet
its all getting a bit political!?
Studying is really hard
I have no confidence in my understanding
I feel like I haven't got this semester atall
and am feeling really odd
and afraid, though not terrified
I am willing to accept a fail
though I am afraid of how I will react
more faith
less projecting
get on with studying in the present
its really random dude!
study as you can
not as you cant!
Friend who is sick
Thinking of her often
not sure what i am to do
carry on as I am
and wait and let go
not in a victim or defeatest way
without thinking the worst or full of hope
just let go and remain balanced
neutral, in the middle ground
as much as possible
and get on with whats in front of me
instead of what isnt
this is not entirely what I want to do
but it seems its what I need to do
I dont know what I dont know
this is a new experience
and it seems there are no rules
Its all unfamiliar
whatever
She has that Jesus fella
Sponsor, a heap of experts
lots of experience
in life
all i know to do is
wait patiently
not easy though
Love her in my thoughts and prayers
and on my blog
so I am
and thanks to you, I refuse to ever watch
walking with dinosaurs again
I have been traumatised for life!!
and no I wont pray for them!
But this is for you...
I am Lovin' the spring warmth
we are being graced with
Thank you God
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
Light of the World .... step down into darkness
Light of The World
Thank you for praying
Step 3 is where I must be at the moment
no fixing, analysing
acceptance is the answer
and living and loving in the present moment
because the present moment is all we have
handing it over
turning it over
to the care
of God as she understands Him
Jesus, we never had a conversation
before I dont think
but you know
I am nowadays accepting of your existance
and know your Spirit does live on
I see how you work in her
how you work in my sponsor
how through them you have.. do work in me
God your Love is the Greatest Love of All
Love her as I can not
Take care of her as I can not
Wrap your arms around her this evening
and hold her still and calm and gentle
dont leave her for a second!
and send your Father round my house
and round everyone that knows her's house
I am sure I am not the only one
that could do with a Big Handed Cuddle
I will continue to
love her as I can
not as I cant
Buddy love Rocks!
Fellowship Love Rocks!
Gods Love Rocks!
Letting Go Letting God
This and yesterdays prayers
and todays
are for you Whizzkid
sleep well
Love ya
Tim Hughes
Light of the World
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
Sky Blue and Black
When something stops working
letting Go
with love
acceptance
forgiveness
things change
sometimes
things need to be washed
as they were no longer working in their
current form or had ran out of steam
and required a review assets/liability
sometimes a period of abstainence
to assess, with and without
whats real and unreal
true and untrue
let go absolutely
and let love in
I love this - Sky Blue and Black
This is a beautiful song
Jackson Browne
Forgiveness
Love
Acceptance
Things change
I change
you change
we change
it changes
letting go of whats not working
and allowing what is to grow
in its uniqueness
in its time
day by day
Ocean and the wind
make the waves together
(along with other forces)
the waves spread out and disapear
where? and then return to the ocean
the rivers lead to the ocean
good and rubbish is all welcomed by the ocean
it gathers it all
and does something with it
its huge, really huge
and necessary
and beautiful
and at times appears angry and destructive
we are powerless over its actions
we can use science, physics create barriers
to "prevent" floods
we can have monitoring of tidal movement
to evacuate in the even of tsunami
we can
however
do we really know the ocean?
do we really know the forces of nature?
and even when we do see the signs
do we listen?
do we take action?
or do we delay?
thinking it will not be as bad as we think it will be?
Do we rely on science too much?
and saving money and pride
rather than a more lives
What is the price of a life?
Who has the right to make the choice or control who lives?
Do I? Do I really have a choice or any control?
When my time will be?
Do you?
What with our ultra-modern standards, our scientific approach to everything, we are perhaps not well equipped to apply the powers of good that lie outside our synthetic knowledge. Doctors Opinion Big Book xxv
Powerless
ps eyelashes, naturally fair verging on transparent!
now, blue/black a perfect frame for my eyes
I feel good
I get compliments after...
10 minute job
10 minutes of lying down eyes shut
breathing meditation to relaxing music aswell
win win win win
pps.
some guy I havent seen for ages
visited the office today
unfamiliar feeling stirred in me!
haven't had that for a long while!!!!!!!!!
he remembered me from ages ago
wasnt sure where
or my name
and likewise
I knew his face
a little older
couldnt remember who or where from
now I do
and then
we took a lift together...
laughed and caught up
and went our own ways
little things sent to make us smile
letting Go
with love
acceptance
forgiveness
things change
sometimes
things need to be washed
as they were no longer working in their
current form or had ran out of steam
and required a review assets/liability
sometimes a period of abstainence
to assess, with and without
whats real and unreal
true and untrue
let go absolutely
and let love in
I love this - Sky Blue and Black
This is a beautiful song
Jackson Browne
Forgiveness
Love
Acceptance
Things change
I change
you change
we change
it changes
letting go of whats not working
and allowing what is to grow
in its uniqueness
in its time
day by day
Ocean and the wind
make the waves together
(along with other forces)
the waves spread out and disapear
where? and then return to the ocean
the rivers lead to the ocean
good and rubbish is all welcomed by the ocean
it gathers it all
and does something with it
its huge, really huge
and necessary
and beautiful
and at times appears angry and destructive
we are powerless over its actions
we can use science, physics create barriers
to "prevent" floods
we can have monitoring of tidal movement
to evacuate in the even of tsunami
we can
however
do we really know the ocean?
do we really know the forces of nature?
and even when we do see the signs
do we listen?
do we take action?
or do we delay?
thinking it will not be as bad as we think it will be?
Do we rely on science too much?
and saving money and pride
rather than a more lives
What is the price of a life?
Who has the right to make the choice or control who lives?
Do I? Do I really have a choice or any control?
When my time will be?
Do you?
What with our ultra-modern standards, our scientific approach to everything, we are perhaps not well equipped to apply the powers of good that lie outside our synthetic knowledge. Doctors Opinion Big Book xxv
Powerless
ps eyelashes, naturally fair verging on transparent!
now, blue/black a perfect frame for my eyes
I feel good
I get compliments after...
10 minute job
10 minutes of lying down eyes shut
breathing meditation to relaxing music aswell
win win win win
pps.
some guy I havent seen for ages
visited the office today
unfamiliar feeling stirred in me!
haven't had that for a long while!!!!!!!!!
he remembered me from ages ago
wasnt sure where
or my name
and likewise
I knew his face
a little older
couldnt remember who or where from
now I do
and then
we took a lift together...
laughed and caught up
and went our own ways
little things sent to make us smile
Monday, February 25, 2008
Full of it - High SpirIT, Holy SpirIT, Fellowship of the SpirIT, what is it ? I dunno but I like IT
Is such an amazing thing
I feel on fire (for you clearly!)
physically I am NOT on top form
Doing the basics
Keeping on keeping on
Spiritually fit
Talking to newcomer, being a fellow within a great fellowship
Being there for a friend amongst friends
Being a worker amongst workers
Asking for help myself in the right places
A good day really
I have eaten
worked
prayed
it hasnt all gone my way today
I havent taken it as a deliberate attempt to sabotage
the peace I have
I haven been tempted to
I did start off on the wrong foot with my colleague
but again shut my mouth... restraint of tongue
AS SOON AS I REALISED IT WHATEVER WE SAID TO EACH OTHER
IT WOULD NOT BE TAKEN THE WAY IT WAS INTENDED
FROM EITHER DIRECTION - I SHUT THE 'UCK UP
she did the same
and it passed
see I know that its not all about me
other people get tired and irritable aswell
We both thawed out just before lunch and laughed
sense of humour returned
passed that laughter on
we get to keep what we have by giving it away
that means humour too
If someone has made you smile today
Its a gift to pass on at the earliest time possible
well thats my story and I'm sticking to it!!
Its what happened today anyway @)
Also realised that its not my job to jump in
and save people like I want to
or for them to save me either
sometimes we have to feel some pain and fear
and grind not because we want to, just because
sometimes it comes with living life instead of hiding
under or inside the sofa
and this is at times what anylengths feels like
having to do it day after day
an anylengths not of our choosing
or not what we are used to
and not always leading to the results we would have liked
BUT DOING IT ANYWAY cos it is the next right thing
AND getting up again and turning up to give it another go tomorrow
and see it through, try the tools out,
test them out, on the hard stuff
this IS where you see how REALLY good these tools are
its all practicing
and possibly you get love and feel the joy when as and when it passes
or just the relief even!
and look back and think
Blimey God if we can get through this
then anythings possible!
Anylengths is not allowing self will to run riot
Anylengths is facing fear
Anylengths is doing what we have to do no matter what
on any given day
Anylengths is also knowing when to stop and lay down
given your current health etc etc
Soo I am going to stop now
I am well on track
knackered and wondering exactly
how I am going to keep working and do this degree
I am not doubting the way forward study wise
Its the way forward
Its the rest of my "life"
what am I to do?
God please show me how to do this
and what to do
Cos I am beginning to wonder myself
the decisions I am contemplating
you know what they are...
what am I to do?
please show me
I dont know whats absurd and what isnt here
they all seem common sense to me AT THE MOMENT!
Give me some direction please
She said on her knees humbly
God bless everyone I have a resentment for
In private I will name them individually
God please grant me some patience, pity and tolerence for x
that I would cheerfully grant a sick friend
When x offends me
God Please remind me, he/she is a sick man/woman
God save me from being angry, thy will be done
God Please help me NOT to retaliate
I would NOT treat sick people this way
God Please grant me restraint of tongue and pen and email
God Please remove my fear around (whatever/whoever) it is
and direct my attention to what you would have me be
God please remove my defects of character... name them!
ok of to do prayers and inventory
For those going through it at the moment
The darkest hours is before the dawn ALWAYS!
sometimes that dark hour goes on for longer than 60 minutes
but the dawn always breaks eventually
Dont quit before the miracle
Minute by minute
hour by hour
morning then afternoon and then the evening
Cinch by the inch, hard by the yard
H.A.L.T
Easy does it
But Just 'uckin do it
Good night
Thank you God
Another sober day
with no desire to drink
and a big desire for life
what you got on for me tomorrow big Guy?
IT is Love
and Love is
Trudging this road in Unity
Unity is Together
Together is in Fellowship
I feel on fire (for you clearly!)
physically I am NOT on top form
Doing the basics
Keeping on keeping on
Spiritually fit
Talking to newcomer, being a fellow within a great fellowship
Being there for a friend amongst friends
Being a worker amongst workers
Asking for help myself in the right places
A good day really
I have eaten
worked
prayed
it hasnt all gone my way today
I havent taken it as a deliberate attempt to sabotage
the peace I have
I haven been tempted to
I did start off on the wrong foot with my colleague
but again shut my mouth... restraint of tongue
AS SOON AS I REALISED IT WHATEVER WE SAID TO EACH OTHER
IT WOULD NOT BE TAKEN THE WAY IT WAS INTENDED
FROM EITHER DIRECTION - I SHUT THE 'UCK UP
she did the same
and it passed
see I know that its not all about me
other people get tired and irritable aswell
We both thawed out just before lunch and laughed
sense of humour returned
passed that laughter on
we get to keep what we have by giving it away
that means humour too
If someone has made you smile today
Its a gift to pass on at the earliest time possible
well thats my story and I'm sticking to it!!
Its what happened today anyway @)
Also realised that its not my job to jump in
and save people like I want to
or for them to save me either
sometimes we have to feel some pain and fear
and grind not because we want to, just because
sometimes it comes with living life instead of hiding
under or inside the sofa
and this is at times what anylengths feels like
having to do it day after day
an anylengths not of our choosing
or not what we are used to
and not always leading to the results we would have liked
BUT DOING IT ANYWAY cos it is the next right thing
AND getting up again and turning up to give it another go tomorrow
and see it through, try the tools out,
test them out, on the hard stuff
this IS where you see how REALLY good these tools are
its all practicing
and possibly you get love and feel the joy when as and when it passes
or just the relief even!
and look back and think
Blimey God if we can get through this
then anythings possible!
Anylengths is not allowing self will to run riot
Anylengths is facing fear
Anylengths is doing what we have to do no matter what
on any given day
Anylengths is also knowing when to stop and lay down
given your current health etc etc
Soo I am going to stop now
I am well on track
knackered and wondering exactly
how I am going to keep working and do this degree
I am not doubting the way forward study wise
Its the way forward
Its the rest of my "life"
what am I to do?
God please show me how to do this
and what to do
Cos I am beginning to wonder myself
the decisions I am contemplating
you know what they are...
what am I to do?
please show me
I dont know whats absurd and what isnt here
they all seem common sense to me AT THE MOMENT!
Give me some direction please
She said on her knees humbly
God bless everyone I have a resentment for
In private I will name them individually
God please grant me some patience, pity and tolerence for x
that I would cheerfully grant a sick friend
When x offends me
God Please remind me, he/she is a sick man/woman
God save me from being angry, thy will be done
God Please help me NOT to retaliate
I would NOT treat sick people this way
God Please grant me restraint of tongue and pen and email
God Please remove my fear around (whatever/whoever) it is
and direct my attention to what you would have me be
God please remove my defects of character... name them!
ok of to do prayers and inventory
For those going through it at the moment
The darkest hours is before the dawn ALWAYS!
sometimes that dark hour goes on for longer than 60 minutes
but the dawn always breaks eventually
Dont quit before the miracle
Minute by minute
hour by hour
morning then afternoon and then the evening
Cinch by the inch, hard by the yard
H.A.L.T
Easy does it
But Just 'uckin do it
Good night
Thank you God
Another sober day
with no desire to drink
and a big desire for life
what you got on for me tomorrow big Guy?
IT is Love
and Love is
Trudging this road in Unity
Unity is Together
Together is in Fellowship
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Happy Birthday Mum 1944 - 2006
Todays been an odd one
I have tried to keep it real
and yet not overanalyse!
How do I feel?
Mentally alert
Emotionally Floundering
Physically weak and cough cold
Spiritually strong
I received texts from family
I felt their love for my mum
through their texts about
flowers they had bought
that they were visiting where she is scattered
and that they are thinking about her
I went to buy flowers, but felt fake
I thought about going to a church, and wondered why?
I wondered what I was supposed to do today?
I have absolutely no idea
So I did nothing
cried, let what ever came came
which wasnt much as you see
I did be in touch with others
and let them be themselves
my brother misses her terribly
What do I feel
I really dont know
I cant create a feeling
have I
feelings of hate ? no
feelings of dislike? no
feelings of let down ? no
feelings of abandonment ? no
feelings of anything negative towards her? no
ok then
who am I to say what I am feeling is not love?
who am I to say what degrees and what guise Love comes in?
who am I to say what I feel is not Love
Mum I love you
but I dont miss you
for the right reasons
so I try and fight the Love
try and justify the no Love
No missing her for unselfish reasons, therefore no love allowed
I can see I have been making my own rules up here
another old idea...
needs work:)
GRIEF
NEVER UNDERESTIMATE IT
DONT TRY AND UNDERSTAND IT
DONT RUN OR TRY AND HIDE FROM IT
IT IS A POWERFUL THING
its not negative but sometimes it feels like it
to me its a part of the healing process
healing from a loss
in this instance a loss of a mother
grief process I experienced after a change in behaviour
for instance too, same principle, different thing
I am sure theres more
But I know only a little
more exploration required
in Gods time
Dear Mum
When I think of you today
I think of pink roses like in the picture
your favourite
With a wonderful fragrance
That only a rose can give
Pure, fresh, fragrant, like no other
I love pink roses nowadays, this pink
like this one, because you do
Happy Birthday
I hope you had good one
and please stop by "our kids" house
and give him a kiss while he's sleeping
he misses his mummy
and then come by mine and give me
some mummy love too
thanks
see ya
xx
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Step 3 - Letting Go and Letting God (of our own understanding) drive me
A friend of mine joined her church
become one with her God her Christ
I cannot do this
I dont feel it
she does
Christ has done something with her
and its wonderful
to see it
I see the love she feels
I feel Jesus through her
she bears witness
she is a channel
I usually steer clear of communion
But today I challenged my old idea around this thing
I ask myself what
the act of not taking communion would have meant?
self will
Isolation
arrogance
fear
an old idea that I cant do it
because I dont believe it...
the Jesus thing I mean
I prayed much and guess what
The minister covered every single
avenue I could have chosen
He made it very clear
that ANYONE could take communion
its all inclusive
Who am I to say that I am no-one?
Who am I to say I am an exclusion?
Do I know better?
No
I took communion for the first time
why?
I wanted to
In the fellowship of the spirit
Together an act of fellowship
At one with my friend
and Jesus
I am not sure
exactly what it is
but It felt right
my motives were right
Will I take communion again?
I dont know
I understand its meaning
and today
It felt the way to go
my friend
I love you
God loves you
Thank you for including me
in your special ceremony
I know You are in Loving hands
I dedicate this song to you
Its called Everything by Tim Hughes
I love it because
Its about handing over my will and life
thats every part of my life
every part of
all of me
over to my God of my own understanding
my creator
its lovely
Turn it up and enjoy
Hey! Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me the hope the glory
You are everything
Be my everything
I love Jesus
even though I dont know him
it doesnt seem to matter
I see what He does in others
and its breathtaking
God thank you
The gift of sobriety
prolonges and enhances
it make us alive
awakens
Spiritual surgery
from the inside out
Glorious
become one with her God her Christ
I cannot do this
I dont feel it
she does
Christ has done something with her
and its wonderful
to see it
I see the love she feels
I feel Jesus through her
she bears witness
she is a channel
I usually steer clear of communion
But today I challenged my old idea around this thing
I ask myself what
the act of not taking communion would have meant?
self will
Isolation
arrogance
fear
an old idea that I cant do it
because I dont believe it...
the Jesus thing I mean
I prayed much and guess what
The minister covered every single
avenue I could have chosen
He made it very clear
that ANYONE could take communion
its all inclusive
Who am I to say that I am no-one?
Who am I to say I am an exclusion?
Do I know better?
No
I took communion for the first time
why?
I wanted to
In the fellowship of the spirit
Together an act of fellowship
At one with my friend
and Jesus
I am not sure
exactly what it is
but It felt right
my motives were right
Will I take communion again?
I dont know
I understand its meaning
and today
It felt the way to go
my friend
I love you
God loves you
Thank you for including me
in your special ceremony
I know You are in Loving hands
I dedicate this song to you
Its called Everything by Tim Hughes
I love it because
Its about handing over my will and life
thats every part of my life
every part of
all of me
over to my God of my own understanding
my creator
its lovely
Turn it up and enjoy
Hey! Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me the hope the glory
You are everything
Be my everything
I love Jesus
even though I dont know him
it doesnt seem to matter
I see what He does in others
and its breathtaking
God thank you
The gift of sobriety
prolonges and enhances
it make us alive
awakens
Spiritual surgery
from the inside out
Glorious
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