Intolerence - my opinion

I am becoming very intolerent
towards alcohol
Thankfully, yes thankfully
the resentment is towards alcohol
and not the people who drink it
mostly!

I am REALLY seeing
exactly how destructive
this thing is
how it touches and affects
not only the drinker and the family
also the neighbours

My father has a neighbour
who arrived home at 1am
banging doors
shouting with his mates
the strangest noises
on the phone out in the garden
loud music
which carried on through until
9am
this is not just alcohol
the police have no control
its a council issue
there is an after 11pm by-law
he knows the police cant do anything
they went round at 1am and asked him to turn it down
their description of him was
a zombie, talking to someone who was not all there
no point in even attempting
he just knows the police have no control
when they talk to him sober
he apologises and understands
he is rational!
and then forgets
seems his hearing and all sense
of social skills
disappears
My dad and his fiance
are becoming ill with this
its starting to eat them up
I can see it
can they move house?
not sure if they will get a buyer
as his behaviour is very unpredictable

As a nation
If we effected a complete abstainence policy
for alcohol
other issues would become apparant
we would realise that as a nation
we have many other problems aside from alcohol
no longer would we be able to have news issues
where would our problem then centre?
in our mind?
in our attitudes?
the heart of the nation?
is the head of our nation really a reliable source?
as a nation we need to take action
more action!

Once again
I want to 12 step the UK
not singlehandedly of course
and once again
I see when we have been through the 12 steps
and practice 10, 11, 12 in all our affairs
these principles filter out into the nation
our 12th step is so important

Our name is Britain and we are alcoholic
we havent yet admitted we are powerless
and our life has become unmanageable
we have tried everything
and we still cant sort this issue
infact its getting worse
we are in the grip of a killer illness

Are we willing to go to any lengths?
Do we try anything, do we really? really?
Do we really accept our shortcomings
and humbly ask a power greater to help?
Do we sing off the same hymn sheet?
Do we really want to solve anything?
or have we become so completely sick
that the unacceptable has now become acceptable
untreated alcoholism?
are we spiritially sick?
as a nation are we a victim
I have an opinion
but its NOT a dig
at any political party
or person
its just an opinion
and observation today

Whats it like in other countries?
the problem is still there
the effects, health, crime are just two examples
but do they have more of a success rate?
do the police and authorities join forces?
I have no idea

All I see is what I see hear
when they said
Keep coming back
more will be revealed
I had no idea what they meant!

I am finding a voice
RaRaRaaaaaaaaaaar :)
Resentments - can lead to solutions
if a process is followed through
not necessarily now!

Patience Johno
Keep coming back
keep talking
honour your truth
dont be scared
be considerate
this is Any Lengths

Recovery Archive found The Last Thing
have you had a look?

Heres another
Recovery is Sexy

And I may start reading this
Buddhism for Dummies!

Welcome back - Go say hello to...

Go say hello to Sui

Her honesty reminds me
that for many people
a drunk after a period of sobriety
doesnt just happen in a click of a finger
it happens over a period of time
of letting up on the suggestions
letting up on those same suggestions
that led us away from that first drink
and helped us to develop that
essential mental defense against the first drink

When I am feeling restless irritable and discontented
the problem is in me
do I have a checklist of what I need to be doing? Yes
Is there anything I am not doing? Yes
Well just do it then , without sulking..
If I dont know what to do
I ask someone that knows me better
if its about my head - that person is usually a Sponsor!
mine or someone elses!!

Thank you for your share
and stopping by
Welcome back :)

Keep coming back
We are ALL worth it

Listening and paddling with eyes and ears wide open

Venerable Robina Courtin
Being Sane in a Mad World (10)

I only listened to number (10) OMG
now I find theres another 9 before it...

And another load here

I felt like this the first time
I went on an Alpha Course
I Highly recommend it if you haven't
I did it at Holy Trinity Brompton
No they didnt drag or me into Christianity
they simply laid out their kit of spiritual tools
what works for them
and I just "laid there" metaporically speaking
eyes and ears wide open
I made some good friends too

Also this week Listened to Ajahn Munindo
Mindful Madness
Its the first time I heard
"talk" about suicidal thoughts
in a matter of fact way
I am aware of when they come in me
and I am aware of what circumstances they come in me
They do not scare me anymore/rarely in themselves
Its a wake up call to what is surrounding them/it
to take action of be more mindful
This I learned before Munindo
But it helps to hear someone talk about it
without it being a big deal
its just a part of me
its a thought that comes
at self will completely run riot point!
often! but not always...

I am grateful...
Also listening to study lectures
and reading study stuff
and doing step 10's and praying
going to work
accepting my own unmanageability
even though I appear ? perfect
I know I am not!
Letting others in

Trying to do my job
Its getting really odd...unfamiliar
Things people said to me this week, different people...
in the workplace...
"I think I need to get my alcohol and sex addiction sorted out..."
"You dont know what mental thoughts are going off in my head"
"I feel like a duck frantically kicking and not getting anywhere"
"I didnt even manage a week, I failed"
"If only i could get organised..."
"Yeh i'm in a relationship, but I cant seem not not go with other.."

God whats going on please?
I am letting go of so much outside stuff
so much brain/mental stuff outside
even having regular early nights!
and I get filled up more during office hours...
almost to distraction...
whats going on?
Yeh you dont give me more than I can handle
whatever! i'll just keep paddling
trying not to give advise
you just do your thing..

For some reason I feel a great love
and huge gratitude
for being sober
AA, God and everyone I have ever listened to and read
inside and outside the fellowship
Theres a part of me that feels Alive

BAD NEWS January is popular for AA's to go out and drink - GOOD NEWS Go say Hi to ANN 4 DAYS SOBER

GOOD NEWS
have you met Ann?
She is VERY new to AA day 4
and new to blogging
Go say Hi


BAD NEWS but ALSO GOOD NEWS as we offer a solution
I have had 2 x 12 step calls in two days
THATS 2 WOMEN CALLED UP THE HELPLINE
BECAUSE OF THEIR DRINKING
and have been passed over to me

(there are 100's of women like me in london taking calls
to try and help other women to their first meeting
if I had 2 for my area in 2 days, just imagine HOW MANY others
are calling up on other nights on other areas)
(there are just as many 12 step men too)

LONDON WOMEN - IF YOU ARE NOT ON THE 12 STEP LIST
GET ON IT THERE IS ALWAYS A NEED - email me if you need
info on how to do this or call the telephone office,
or speak with your GSR
There are workshops NOT monthly though

To put it in perspective I had 4 12step calls in the whole of 2007
I just had 2 in 2 days
this reminds me to remind us

JANUARY, according to UK AA telephone helpline statistics
IS WHEN THE MANY AA'S WITH SOME OF SOBRIETY
GO OUT AND DRINK - SUDDENLY!?
MORE THAN ANY OTHER MONTH IN THE YEAR
BE WARNED & BE AWARE

IF YOU ARE IN EARLY RECOVERY - OR NOT SURE
Do not get drawn into how well it went over Christmas - ITS HISTORY
OR THINK perhaps you dont need to go to that meeting tomorrow
or meet with your sponsor - YOU DO - GO ANYWAY
Or the poor mees of over spending, eating and lack of excersize
sort your AA stuff out NOW do not delay
Or the january Blues - NO EXCUSE FOR NOT FOLLOWING AA SUGGESTIONS
If you have been slacking or coasting or whatever you call it?
get back on it
the programme, suggestions, meetings, reading the big book, get a sponsor
DONT LEAVE YOUR RECOVERY TIL TOMORROW
YOU NEED TO BUILD UP THAT DEFENCE

And if you havent been to a meeting yet
heres a realistic Official AA short vid
which may dispell some preconceived ideas
which i know I certainly had
NO-ONE IS TO HOPELESS OR TO LIGHTWEIGHT

For me I need to get back to basics
and get grounded again ASWELL

end of!

Studying
I am off the revision routine
and I juts have to hand it over
Its not going in and its not coming out
SO IT SEEMS
Ok I am off to read some stuff
and see what happens
keeping on keeping on

My Pain v Your Pain

My pain is more painful
Until I listen to your pain
then I think my pain isnt that bad

You really dont understand how I am feeling
You think I really dont know how you are feeling

Open your mind!

Is the pain you felt after being grabbed/assaulted in the street
LESS painful than I felt in childhood sexual abuse?

Is the pain you feel in giving up smoking and staying stopped
LESS painful than my giving up drinking and staying stopped?

Is the pain I felt after losing a parent
LESS painful than you feel changing a sponsor?

Is the pain I felt in turning up for work everyday
LESS painful than you feel turning up for a home group each week?

Is the pain i feel when you suggest I go out somewhere new
MORE painful than the way you feel when I suggest you pray?

Is the pain you feel when you eat too much chocolate
LESS painful than the pain I feel when I refuse to eat?

Is the pain I feel when you suggest I delete a number off my phone
MORE painful than the pain you feel when I suggest you stay away from that bar?

Is the pain I feel when I get to work late
MORE painful than the pain you feel when you take a line of coke?

Is the pain I feel when I see you smoking when you have cancer
MORE painful that the pain you feel when you hear I wont pray?

Is the pain I feel when I hear your pain when you wont take inventory
MORE painful than the pain you feel when you hear my pain when I wont let go?

NO

Pain is Pain is all painful

Its my arrogance that tells me my pain is more painful than your pain
How do i know?
Its my arrogance that tells me my pain is not as painful as your pain
How do i know?

To try and exert our will try and live along spiritual lines
Forgiving others for their shortfalls
accepting I am just the same
Is painful

Pain is not a weakness
Its simply part of the human condition
Knowing that doesnt relieve the pain
Accepting it doesnt relieve the pain

Pain is the problem
Pain leads to growth
Growth is found in the solution
Pain to peace is possible
Living in the solution
Going to anylengths to releive the pain
Perseverance
Face Everything And Recover

Do you like being in pain?
Do you know any other?
Do you like living in the problem?
Have you tried everything ?
EVERYTHING?

have we given time time?
have we set conditions on when we want the pain relieved?
have we set conditions on what we will do to relieve the pain?
have we set conditions on what we wont do to relieve the pain?
... well nearly anything....
Its ok, Spiritual lines is.... not immoral or illegal

When I am in pain...
there is always something I havent tried
which always relieves me of pain

which doesnt include
anything mood altering
or old isolating destructive behaviour

having said all that
this post is about
pain and pain

we all feel it
Question is
what are we prepared to do about it ?

anything?

If we dont know...
Give time time
We will soon know

Alcoholism is a KILLER illness - like Cancer and Heart Disease

If you had cancer, would you skip chemo ?

Over a period of months, nearly a year
I have learned a very big lesson in acceptance and powerlessness
as I watched
A friend
Have everything stripped away
her health
her hope
her dignity
her lover
her friends
her ability to be a friend
her ability to love and be loved
her home
her job
her status
her self esteem
her financial security

I couldnt work it out, why...
it didnt make sense
until now
I seen how REALLY POWERFUL alcohol is
it has also stripped her of the ability to be honest

I seeing more and more how
insidious this 'ucking ALCOHOL IS

It just wants to get her on her own and kill her
and it just about did!!

The Unhappiest person in the world is the chronic alcoholic who has an insistent yearning to enjoy life as he once knew it, but cannot picture life without alcohol. he has a heart-breaking obsession that by some miracle of control he will be able to do so. Who Me ?

BUT AND ITS A VERY BIG BUT

God loves you just the way you are
BUT HE loves you far to much to have you stay like this

This ones for you
If like me you are not comfortable with the
"Jesus" try substituting it with "Honesty"
or something else "Good"
He wont mind, trust me :)


Matt Redman - Heart of Worship

Turn towards and Stop fighting
let the sunlight shine on you
Take Care from all the Experts in their fields
that you are surrounded by for ALL your DIFFICULTIES
Surrender and follow suggestions

trust, have faith in AA, to help you with that "ucking alcohol
wrap that big old snuggly AA duvet around you
we are all in it together, Gods in here too
and a few eskimos i'll bet
with the odd bottle of scotch hidden away!
its a VERY big AA bed, and just for today
I am not seeing anything dodgy gowin on
in here, nothing to be afraid or ashamed of...

All that Good stuff what you had before
that stuff that made your eyes shine
when you spoke of it
you WILL get it back again
and more besides
you have to be prepared put in the action
any lengths

The two friends spoke of their spiritual experience and
told him about the course of action they carried out. P157

Come back to the heart of worship
Enjoy again that life of AA service you once
knew what it it is to be
usefully whole
Its all there waiting - if you work for it
a friend amongst friends
a considerate lover
a reliable mother
a colleague
YOU

God stepped in and said rather louder than usual - enough Johno, GET DOWN NOW! your self wills becoming very obvious to Me
ok, but, you know, it stopped me thinking about that
exam tomorrow though didnt it!!
yeh I saw, stop butting, and leave it with me, He smiled, now go to bed
ok see Ya
you will
Bed, NOW
am scared
leave it with the exam and your fear with me and go to sleep
ok thanks

We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. p83

August 19th 2003
Got out of bed, well past the snooze
Threw on clothes
splash wash
didnt clean my teeth
cursed self for not being more organised
no breakfast
clothes all over the place
deodorant over deodorant over deodorant

cursed the bus for being late
cursed the tube for taking so long
cursed self for being late again
shuffled papers for most of the day
did some work within the 8 hours
sent most of the day thinking about
the evening when I would get off with my crush
go back to one of us places and make passionate love
or something like that... this was to be my time
no more waiting, no more excuses, this time
I wasnt gonna get drunk
just drink a few halves

Left work, our dept went out
with new recruits and manager
free champagne
free shots
free bar
out went the idea of halves
very soon, was drunk
out of control
off with some bloke in the toilet
I wouldnt have looked at sober
gueyser well known for not being choosy
crush wouldnt know huh... still in with a chance

We moved onto the Indian Restaurant
more free drinks, well oiled
sat opposite my boss
making lude remarks with the new recruits
I then needed the toilet
An staggered downstairs
crashing against the walls
and stood in there wondering...
wondering what the 'uck had happened
why had I got like this
how could I change it all back again?

yeh I can remember all this
out of control
knowing its all happening
and not being able to do a damn thing about it
Got to the table, i wanted to go home
and couldnt, couldnt miss out on
what is it i thought i would miss out on?
still dunno, that inability to leave first
Boss said he'd never seen my eyes glaze over before
No-one had ever said they'd seen my eyes glaze over before
As I gulped Indian lager and picked at food
knowing I had had enough
but not knowing how to end the evening, with dignity
dignity had gone out of the window
whatever happened next out of my control
it was very clear to me already

Finally crush got up to leave
yeh my excuse to go too
Staggered to the bus... still daylight
small talk
I was thinking
why dont you come back to mine
why dont you invite me to yours
willing it to happen

Crush got off the bus
I stayed on... in full resentment
how could it not have happened
perfect opportunity
why do people play games with me
poor me, blah blah

Started sending sms to crush
get off your train !
why are you ignoring my messages !
you know you want to !
you think am rubbish dont you !
I dont blame you for ignoring me!
get the picture...

Then I freaked when crush rang me
"Stop being paranoid"
"I'm not having a conversation with you while
am on the train"
"Why arent you at home ?"
My response "Cos I dont want to be yet
and whats it got to do with you anyway!"

By this time, I had missed my stop
was in completely the wrong part of London
Didnt know wher I was...
Cold, drunk and miserable, and alone
Badly needing the toilet AGAIN
Story of my life, whers the bathroom

Got off bus
Took another back to somewhere
joining my route home
Well dark, well late, well ashamed
Well...lost it, incontinence set in

Got home, freaked out and afraid
ashamed and bewildered
A Cockroach greeted me

Threw clothes on the floor
and flaked out in bed
Wondering what the hell was gonna happen tomorrow
How was I gonna face all these people
I worked with everyday, ever again

My attempt at controlling my drinking
Had really failed and it scared me
How out of control I had actually got
I really didnt like it
I was afraid of what was happening
And had no idea what was gonna happen next
Outer control

This is not the way I has planned for my life
to be at aged 36, no way!!
And I couldnt seem to do a damn thing to change it
What a 'uck up
suicidal thoughts were creeping in
I didnt like the way it was all panning out

If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking, you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic. p44

I didnt know it at the time
I was suffering from the disease of alcoholism
My life was unmanageable
I was without hope
I tried to control my drinking
seriously tried to control it
and it scared my how I couldnt
and that i could be consciously out of control

THIS IS WHAT IT WAS LIKE

The only person I compare myself with now
Is the person I was upto and including
19th August 2003

To compare with anyone else is dishonest
and not a fair comparison
We are all came up different paths
We come at it all from an entirely different angle
One common problem
Alcohol ISM

AA is big enough and strong enough for all of us
No one's path to messy
in my experience

Music Kept me alive
Songs spoke to me
Kept me hanging in there
Even though I didnt know anyone who hurt like I did
Even though No-one seems to pain like I did
I found comfort in music
I trusted that they spoke the truth
I hung on, for what I had no idea, I just hung on

When your sure you've had enough of this life
Hang on
Dont let yourself Go
Cos everybody cries
Everybody Hurts
Some time

So hold on, Hold on, Hold on, Hold on, Hold on



If this is where your at, or not far away from

Dont quit before the miracle

Please
Make that call, say life is shit
go to a meeting, ask for help
No need to do this on your own anymore
help is right here, right now
DO IT

R.E.M. - Everybody Hurts

(Berry/Buck/Mills/Stipe)

When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on
Don't let yourself go, 'cause everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes

Sometimes everything is wrong. Now it's time to sing along
When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go, (hold on)
When you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on

'Cause everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts. Don't throw your hand. Oh, no. Don't throw your hand
If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone

If you're on your own in this life, the days and nights are long,
When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on

Well, everybody hurts sometimes,
Everybody cries. And everybody hurts sometimes
And everybody hurts sometimes. So, hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
Everybody hurts. You are not alone

Restraint of Tongue and pen

Over a period of months
I am
watching
listening
seeing
someone

In the grip
Drinking themselves ? to death

This weekend
They cannot remember
what went on
what they did
how they got the cuts on their hands

Today
they are unable to do their job
not unlike many days
This person says
I feel like S**t
I cant concentrate
I need to stop doing this
Its just a phase
I think i'll try and stay sober on my birthday
I think I need to check in with the Priory
I think I need to go home and do some exersize at home
I think i'll go for a run
I have lots to do today and need to focus
I havent got a lot done, I want to go home
I shouldnt be spending so long on facebook
I cant leave it alone
I spent so much money
I dont have enough money
I am skint
I bought this on the internet
I need to book my next holiday
Am only going out for one
I only had one
I cant phone this client they may know I had one vodka

I used to comment, join in the laughter at times
until I realised
this is no ordinary drinker

the last month or so
I make no comments
I just listen carefully and look into their eyes
and turn back to my work
and leave them be

their comments have gone from
raucous high pitched joviality about the exploits
to a quiet comment
quiet comment

My job is to be of maximum helpfulness
I am here to do my job and serve You
have you put me with this person for a reason?
Is this you ? God
God. If it is you
Show me what I need to do for this person
just give me Your words
until You do,
I will not comment
on this persons alcohol consumption
or their behaviour
I will stay quiet
Listen
Watch
and get on with my job
Staying silent is hard discipline

The AA programme is for people who want it

Ps God
thank you for putting another Sponsee
I will meet up with her tomorrow
Go through the basics
and see what happens
She's had a week now to change her mind
She just told me again,
she wants it
she wants to get well
She will do anything
I am willing to run with that
I have prayed on it
discussed it with my Sponsor
She shared her experience and then
She leaves it with me...and God
A day at a time

See how it goes,
thanks tho
I am grateful I have what someone wants
Its a gift i have been given, a present to pass on
Any lengths, I am willing
And soooo grateful for what I have been given

Its becoming clear

that I am making progress
willing to try stuff
not expecting perfection
check out my motives
let go of old ideas
accept that i can change
cinch by the inch
keep practicing
keep on

put in the action
let go of the outcome

someone suggested i would make a good manager,
"i have people skills"
not sure if they are sick or what?!?!

Dont they know who i am?!?!
manager material ...with people skills... me???
OMG when did that change happen?

whats going on

I am grateful

for attempting to improve my punctuality
for listening tonight
for turning up
for the power of the step4 prayer
for service being portable
for liking the routine i been eased into
for becoming part of the workforce
for trying to become more of a team player at work
for trying teamwork, my boss's way, not mine!!
for trying to do it without resentment
for feeling comfortable
for feeling uncomfortable that I am comfortable
for the many seeds that have been planted in me
for some of them starting to grow
for giving freely today, what I have been given

Sober, grateful, loved by something much greater than me

oh yeh i forgot
lots of very hungover people turned in in various states to work today, at various times up to lunch time. The morning after the office party, mumbling things like,

"oh God never again"
"it must have been the last lemonade"
"no when i left her, she was talking to the great white telephone"
"i feel like shit"
"i am crap at drinking"
"i really cant keep doing this"
"i only get drunk one every 5 years cos i know what happens"
"it takes me days to get over nights like that"
"i stank of cigs & booze when i got into bed"
"i still feel drunk"
"he was well smashed last night"
"he was in a right state"
"cant stay, i feel to ill"
"xxx hasnt turned in, its not surprising the state they were in"
"here comes casenova"
"i cant remember how I got home"
"my husband really looked after me"
"i woke up with bottles of water by the bed"
"i stuck to champagne, i stopped after 2 bottles"
"someone i knew even used to piss the bed when he got drunk"
"really they did that?"

Me i was just grateful, i didnt go
Its getting easier to stay no, without lying
i had something else to do
Telephone service at the local AA office
who knows who may have called up

I saw myself in various mirrors today
my past came back at me, they were shadows of people
draped over the chairs and desks
many people used to give me lots of slack when i was drunk/hungover
it really is my turn to quit looking down at my colleagues
some of them are in the grip of a killer illness
some of them just drink alot
some of them binge
some of them just like drinking lots on occasions
some of them just have one and then go home

Am grateful to be sober
to be shown regularly where I have come from
and where I can go back to very quickly
reminders of how selfish I am in certain areas