How much more formal education is enough?

When I think of how many years I have left
in 'work' I have to ask
do I really want to spend them
writing essays
to obtain qualifications?

I certainly know that educarion
Boosts confidence
that I am on the right tracks
Gives a richness to what I do

Which way to go... next
The path has 3 strands to it,,,
I feel like I am running out of time
here on earth

Trust... walk on
Trust that nothing goes to waste
trust... and let go of the outcome

             

Learn to Learn then Learn to Teach

learning how to learn
was invaluable at uni a few years ago
peaks and troughs
breaks
running with it for hours
and accepting nothings going in at certain times

it began with learning to read the big book
read it and keep reading even though
I think its not going in...
and being suprised when eventually
it starts to seep out
incoherently and then coherently
wanting it and working for it...

yet now its another area
or is it two at the same time
I have had an insight
a vision for me if you would
and now its my job
to work towards it
sometimes quickly sometimes slowly

now i am learning how to teach
learning how to lead
learning how to sing
and learning how to study
and learning how to preach
and learning how to play
and learning how to accept who I am
and learning how to accept
the person I am becoming

DIY Doctors

Had a wisdom tooth out this week
so many people telling me
all the dramatic stories
some it would be a cinch
then which pills to take
before and after
thank God I just listen and do
what the experts tell me thesedays
it works

I was in there for nearly 45 minutes
he couldnt get hold of it cos it
had rotted
and so had to dig deep and lever it
then a root broke
so had to re dig and lever it out

metal implements stretching my mouth
til I thought it was going to rip
I had visions of him having to restitch
my lip up after....

Have so much respect for those who give birth
I have no idea what its like
yet having him force this tooth out
when it really didnt want to budge

am now very chipmonk like
on oneside and cannot open mouth
to even get a spoon in
so food intake is limited

I wish I could enjoy the time off work!
Birthday tmoro....
I cant even enjoy the cakes I would buy...!

also has a smear test today!
again not sure which is worse
smear or tooth out!
tooth out I think...
yet it took a while
to work out which implement
always does
nurse sang halleluiah when she hit jackpot

3 yearly smear test
:) regardless...
comes with being responsible

yet teeth
can do better
this is the only trouble I had since a child
so im grateful
yet i act ungraciously
need to clean teeth more
no more getting away with it

So yeh wisdom tooth extraction
beyond my wildest nightmare
but glad its out
just waiting on mouth to recover

grateful to the dentist
for persevering, kindness and skill

grateful for the nurse today
for persevering, kindness, skill and humour

Think thats my bodies MOT & service
done for a while :)

Maybe good Maybe bad

I went for Physio yesterday
feeling yet again that this will never end
more exersizes
no real end insight
slight improvement
I have been here before
and wondering again
whats the plan in store for me
accepting and trusting
even though i don't like
this slowness that I am forced
to take as the result of
physical disability
with no real resolution ahead

I sat on the beach after
and counted a few blessings
watching the kitesurfers
reflecting on how much I wanted to
learn this and still do
yet I wonder how different this last
12 months is likely to have been
had my physical health been
sufficient to give me the confidence
and strength to undertake this
strenuous, and very exciting extreme sport?

I watched them out there
at one with the wind and the water
slightly envious yet seeing the
isolation of the sport
you and the elements nature
whilst you are out there with others
its not a team or socially interactive
except probably off piste!

I know that although God brought me
away from all that I know
he didnt want me alone
he showed me the Salvation Army
and gave me a church family

Had I had my way from the start
I would have learned Kitesurfing
and spent most weekends and energy
learning and surfing
all summer I THINK! nah I KNOW!
I believe that if I had pushed myself
I could have still learned
yet through prayers
Thy will not mine
I have been led around a different path
and I am glad that I have

Its likely that I wouldnt have
developed the friendships I have at church
started and lead a hobby group
build a relationship with my pastor
get involved with volunteering in the kitchen
go regularly on Sundays
be present in mind when I attend and take part
be willing to be led in where God wants of me
try new things
read the bible in a disciplined fashion
develop my relationship with jesus
help develop others relationship with Jesus
lead a weekly bible study
be willing to listen to what others see in me
consider a role within church
consider Christianity this seriously
physically I have spent more time locally
at home with cat
being a neighbour
slowing down
acting - my age!
listening to the silence
listening for that still small yet very firm voice
that I hear so often

self will
I could have done all of the above
but most would have been on a superficial level
it would have got in the way
its un likely I would be this involved at church
and enjoying it (mostly!!)
like i am
if i have taken up kitesurfing
I would have got what I wanted
who knows I may still get it

See Gods plan I can see its not ruled out
its just a not yet

A physical handicap
may not get me what I wanted
but I am glad that God gave me what I needed
and I feel blessed

weak yet strong

see so when I say that I doubt
what I know and believe
When I am growing along spiritual lines
I am forced to challenge that which
I know to be true YESTERDAY
and change, let go of ideas
that are not working in the present
forced to look at my motives
beliefs, feelings, everything
over and over again
and let go of the deadwood
i learned this in step 5

God wants me back to my purest state
the way he created us in Genesis
how can I rebel and follow my own will
self seeking, pleasure etc
it will not sustain me long term

the spiritual life is about
growing up
letting go of instant gratification
works first
and whatever comes after

At times however
because there seems so much work to do
on myslef and for/with others
I have to work at lightening up!

Grace

And so you see I have come to doubt
All that I once held as true
I stand alone without beliefs
The only truth I know is You

Prayer - Pray as you can - NOT as you can't

I have noticed much of my prayers
are around changing me
so that I am better around others/situations
less judgemental
forgiving
patient
willing
silent
tolerent

I have noticed that many Christians
Practiced and new
pray for others

I beat myself up because
I became aware of how selfish
my prayers are even though ultimately
I pray to be changed for the Greater Good

I discussed this with my Sponsor
she suggested I begin the next few days
in praying for people
start simple and specifically
at least I have become aware
Accept the things I cannot change
I cant change whats happened
change the things I can
start now
Wisdom to know the difference
let go now and start praying
as I can not as I cant!
I wont be an expert overnight :)

So this week I have begun praying for
a work colleague to he healed after her operation
for a boy in the newspaper with E-coli to be healed
and for the boys family to be looked after
I prayed for our pastor to be strengthened
I prayed for our church to grow

this feels lovely
its egoless because they dont know
at the same time it hard because there is no reward
no pat on the back
Its an essential discipline I am told
selfless

Day at a time
Pray as you can, not as you can't
change the things you can :)

Leaning on the fellowship!! not an individual - GOD group of "ex" drunks

Kathy said "okay, here's a thought..maybe the financial issues you are facing are the financial solution.. "

You know
this could be
could be not!

but you know it makes me feel alot better
when someone
Makes me look at my stuff
from an entirely different angle P66
with just a few words!
thank you Kathy!! x
I learn from everyone... and everything

Brings to mind
rejection is Gods protection
and my experience I say it as
Rejection is ALWAYS Gods protection

Also some story IFOBW gave me
about a horse and a boy that went to war
or had an accident or something
and a farm or something like that
when everything seemed to happen
and people though it was for the worst
and then someone always said
after each "disaster" thing
could be could be not!
I am sure she will elaborate
when she has time?

Its true
who the heck am I to say
the futures bleak
and this is a stumbling block?

Who am I to say that Gods plan
Sober me up and get me TO THE BEACH
and then club me to death!

Who am I to put money above my faith?

Frikkin' ell
Thanks for the reality check my fiends!

Someone said to me today
that everythings doable
and its ok to freak out abit and go ouch!
its hurting but I am doing it...
its true.. I had just forgotten it applies to me
and by saying it doesnt mean I am giving up
well I am I am giving up, letting go of PRIDE
it means I am surrendering to win!

Also I have been walking round with
my eyes down, in my own world
and forgotten there are people around
me that love and care and love my sense of humour
I was asked today why I wasnt myself...
I asked them what myself is.. not in a confrontational way
she said fun and lovely to be around at work..
now thats kinda nice huh
And she said yeh here we are, you just need to look up
and you'll see us...

Amazing... she's only known me a little while
and I hardly spoken to her much
and we work on different ends of office
hows she get that insight into me already?

God knows! but I like it!
Worker amongst worker

A look at the alcoholic in your organization is many times illuminating. Is he not usually brilliant, fast-thinking, imaginative and likable? When sober, does he not work hard and have a knack of getting things done? P139 P140

You know I did the prayers
I did the inventory
I am keeping my mouth shut
I am praying for people through the day as they come up!
and today was a good day
circumstances ALL the same
I am different...

God grant me the courage
to notice and accept the things I cannot change
to continue to change the things I can (me)
and continue to provide me with wisdom to know the difference
when you feel like it...
thanks x

ps just watched yesterdays post
youtube and it reminded me
I need a haircut!

Slow down your moving too fast...

I went to yoga last night
we are working on my
scapula and rotatacuff muscles...
physical pain is really boring
and BORING!

Did a "chair" tonight at a meeting
that used to be my home group
such a wide range of sobriety lengths
It was good to go and see
some old and new faces
remember how it was
that church helds many weekly meeting
that kept me coming back over and over

I am grateful

re moving
Looking at more options
interesting stuff!

re work
cross training and revisiting
stuff which will help me in my role as suppport
inprove the support i give
in this instance
knowledge = improved confidence
also helping others learn to study
whilst trying not to teach!

re spiritual fitness
praying, inventory, newcomers, meetings
prison service, telephone service, intergroup

re physical fitness
yoga and possibly badminton this weekend
gym i am struggling with... at the moment

re mental fitness
eating irregularly
attempting sleep not really trying hard
not suprisingly got angry this week
not suprisingly I got a little lonely

re step 11
Praying
We were prepared to look for it from an entirely different angle.P66
Reading Philip Yancy
The Jesus I never knew
its funny and showing me "the jesus story"
from an angle I find interesting
exactly what it was like for
an unmarried teenage mother
bringing up a baby
2008 years ago
because she was told by an angel
it was Gods will
and convincing people she isnt mental
that she bore God in the flesh
AND she survived
and He survived... how the heck?
yeh I am hooked!
Wikipedia P.Y

More Step 11
Listened to Ajahn Amoro - Ah So
interesting stuff
prompted me to be mindful
that if I am critical, negative, sarcastic, jokey
my words/manner may break others into
a million pieces... unintentionally.
I do start and break into a million pieces
especially when I am critical or judgemental
of myself... and fearful of others
fear and pride
or whether I THINK i am going to be critisised
the anticipation of it coming starts a process off
which requires healing whether
the negativity arrives or not

having fun
and thinking about my birthday month
feeling gratful
I have been given dignity
and a REAL sense of humour
and purpose

I dislike and I am disliked
I am neutral
I love and I am loved

see where I need to work on this week?
H.A.L.T
and Paying attention
to whats going on in the present moment
Slowing down...

have a great friday
Life I love you
All is groooooovy

Feelin' Groovy Simon & Garfunkel


see i'm sure this song wasn't sung as SLOWLY as this!?
is it me or what??

Warrior of Light - More Paulo Coehlo, and some of my truth today

The Warrior of Light and the new year Issue nº 163

Knowing how to wait
The Warrior of Light needs time to himself. And he uses this time to rest and contemplate and contact the Soul of the World. He manages to meditate even in the middle of a combat.

On some occasions the warrior sits down, relaxes and lets everything that is happening around him go on happening. He looks around him as if he were a spectator, does not try to grow or diminish, just commits himself unresistingly to the movement of life.

Little by little everything that seemed so complicated becomes simple. And the warrior becomes happy.

Discovering the objective
When we want something, the whole Universe conspires in our favor. The Warrior of Light knows this.

That is why he takes great care with his thoughts. Hiding under a bunch of good intentions are desires that no-one dares confess to themselves: vengeance, self-destruction, guilt, fear of victory, macabre happiness at the tragedy of others.

The Universe does not judge: it conspires in favor of what we want. That is why the warrior is brave enough to look at the shadows of his soul and tries to illuminate them with the light of pardon.

The Warrior of Light is the master of his thoughts.

Understanding routine
There are moments when the warrior’s path goes through periods of routine. Then he applies a lesson given by Nachman of Bratzlav:

"If you can’t manage to concentrate, or if you are bothered about your day, you should repeat just one simple word, because that does the soul good. Don’t say anything else, just repeat that word no end of times without stopping. It will eventually lose its meaning, and then take on new significance. God will open the doors and you will end up using that simple word to express all that you wanted.”

When the warrior is forced to perform the same task over and over again, he uses this tactic and turns his work into prayer.

Celebrating the year that is ending
The warrior has lived each and every day of the year that has gone by, and even though he has lost some great battles, he has survived and here he is. This is a victory. This victory has cost many difficult moments, nights of doubts, endless days of waiting. Since ancient times, celebrating a triumph has been part of the ritual of life itself.

Commemorating is a rite of passage.

His companions look at the happiness of the Warrior of Light and think to themselves: “why does he do this? He could be beaten in his next combat. He may provoke the enemy’s fury.”

But the warrior knows the reason for his gesture. He gains strength from the best present that victory can offer: confidence.

The warrior celebrates the year that has come to an end so he can be stronger for tomorrow’s battles.

Johno's notes to self
Yesterdays history
tomorrows a mystery
todays a gift
thats why they call it the present
There is no fear in the present moment
unless you are being persued by a preditor
You can start your day/year/month any time you like
it doesnt have to be ruled by the "gregorian" calender

More notes
I am afraid today
God please remove my fear and direct my attention to what you would have me be
Thoughts passing through...
1. I want to feel alive
2. What can I take?
3. How can I get out of it (exam)
4. what if I fail?
5. Pull the duvet up more
6. Dont go to work!

Yeh I didnt go to work
woke up sick and afraid
resentment affects me physically
even when mentally and spiritually am on track
the physical... gives up
whatever!!
I needed the rest
Boss said... you need to be fit for youre xam!!
(I said yeh but, I need to be fit for work!)
Boss said, no worries, just so long as your fit for the xam!

See its true
When my motives are (on the whole) good...
The whole universe conspires to help me
it seems
I dont know why am sick, in the mouth
its not teeth its gummmms

Am off now, swill some salt
no more blogging till I have attempted
some writing!! PLEASE

It COULD just be one of them bugs going around!
I am a human after all... at times

I dont want to take ANYTHING
I don't do pills or potions atall
prescribed or over the counter
its just NOT my thing
Vitamin C slow release
is about as far as it goes
every now and then, when the onset of a cold starts
headaches and general pains, lethergy are usually down to
not doing step 10's and too many biscuits
dehydration, tiredness and hunger, and exhaustion
which I havent dealt with over a few days
resting on laurels around inventory and H.A.L.T
I find

Perhaps as I get older I will be forced to change
I dunno, again, wait and see
Perhaps I am the only one in the world that doesnt
do herbal remedies
well I do in away, but I make them up myself
fresh, ginger, lemon... ingredients like that
And I may be missing out
But well, I feel ok about it really
Having said all that
All suggestions are appreciated
keep the coming
I dont know when I may need them :)

Thanks for the encouragement friends :D

I've changed my attitude and I like it

There may be some wrongs we can never fully right. We don’t worry about them if we can honestly say to ourselves that we would right them if we could. Some people cannot be seen-we sent them an honest letter. And there may be a valid reason for postponement in some cases. But we don’t delay if it can be avoided. We should be sensible, tactful, considerate and humble without being servile or scraping. As God’s people we stand on our feet; we don’t crawl before anyone. P83

As a teenager I completely turned my back on
the Christian faith and anyone
and judged ALL who came out
and Jesus lovers/Christians and God believers
as one and the same... all self righteous
judgemental hypocrites

Why? a christian... new christian
full of it, bathing in it, on fire
called me a sinner, not fit to breathe

From that day, I turned away completely
I wasn't turning towards before entirely
but I was indifferent, ignorant really blissfully
unwilling and frightened that I would
become like that, judgemental and hypocritical
unloving, arrogant

I didn't hear the message because I had shot the messenger
and shielded myself through avoidance
and self righteous, arrogance that I didnt need
or care for any of it, it made no sense
ALL Christ followers and God followers are the same
and really I had no place with them

Through willingness to open my mind
taking part in various activities
in what I see as Step 11
simply a way to improve my conscious contact
by doing The Alpha Course

I had my mind changed
I havent become a Christian
I have laid to rest prejudices I held
against Christians and God of Christians
I have made a heap of friends
just by being willing, openminded and honest
teacheable
I have also improved and strengthened
my own conscious contact with the God of my own understanding

Today I have come full circle
I cannot turn the clock back and
make friends with all the Christians I turned away
from in the past

what I can do different
and it seems what I have done different
and I am doing different
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.P84

AS THE RESULT OF THESES STEPS these few weeks
is not let the messenger alter the message
THE Message that I have come to understand
from experiencing, letting in face to face
is one of Love, tolerance, forgiveness
understanding, integrity, willingness
joy and peace, friendship
hand in hand with the same God
God is Love
If God is Jesus and Jesus is God
then am happy with that
they both Rock, I have no need to debate

I have also not let this messenger
taint my feelings towards
Christians who I know and love
or future frineds I dont know yet
like I did the last time
see this is progress

Nothing is ever wasted
I havent enjoyed the last few weeks
but then you never promised me prefection
I wondered what was going on
Wrestling with a pig, I havent enjoyed it
I didnt notice I was doing it
well I wouldnt would I? I had mud in my eyes
Self will run riot (my own)
now I have surrendered
I have learnt something!
I have changed
I have no wish to go backwards
I dont have to like everybody
I can choose today
Saying nothing not getting involved
is not a sign of weakness
I chose to take part
I chose to stop
I can also say no to abuse today

Everything teaches me
I learn from everything

Stay teacheable
Humility

Loving AA and all its gifts

I had an interesting
albeit emotional weekend
accepting and making the best of something
that I cannot change
I have had to fit myself to it
tears before in preparation
restraint of tongue and pen during
and loads of laughs
when I fit myself in and see
beauty of the forest! P50
But thats another post

Ok homework to do
and day off tomorrow! way hay!!

thanks for every comment
the last few weeks
you helped me become and see
the person I am today

Pay Attention, ask for help, and do what suggested... that includes at Uni

theres is always about 30 SUGGESTED reading books/journals/reviews attached to each weeks lecture/tutorial. I tried to do load of reading, its impossible, the week flies and there is only so much new info a brain can take in and process at any one time even yours! I know for me that even if I stopped work, and read loads, I would probably only take in as much as I am now... but it would give me more panicking time.. thats just me. I have to give myself time to process whats been read and lectured to me.

Also some of the reading I CANT FIND, some have fonts, layouts that are NOT easy on my eyes, too small or just not laid out in a way that I can take in. So i trawl through a few until I find what I need, usually I cant, I get frustrated and then end up with the one text book I bought at the beginning and find exactly what I am looking for!! oh yeh and expanding on the lecture notes. We also have an interactive CD which helps, with questions and explanation and stuff on it. Wikipedia is great too. Too many sources is complicated.

Keep it simple

As for the reading lists, I asked our lecturer what to read inbetween, as I couldnt get to grips with where it was all going. He said not to read, he said he gives me the key points in the lectures and I should expand on what he had lectures..if I want to, hence I have bought a DVR, thanks for the tip IFOBW. I do take extensive notes in lectures, I seem to be able to unlike some, Am grateful for that. When I read them back, it all starts to make sense.

I have an oral exam on tues and by not reading anything this weekend, things have become a little clearer. I have been trying to hard and barking up a wrong tree abit. I have to be prepared to look at things from an entirely different angle. Sometimes doing less I get more out. And sometimes by doing more I get less out.

AA stuff is good for my self esteem, Unity, Service and so it follows recovery too. Just become secretary at intergroup, is something I can do, admin is a skill God has given me, I find it easy. Being secretary makes sense, its useful to the group and good for my self esteem.

I am not hot on sponsoring, its essential I agree, I have sponsees, but again I have to let go and leave their recovery to them, I am there if they call, if not I am getting on with my own stuff. Letting Go. My recovery is NOT dependent on any individual or bunch of individuals, its dependent on GOD.

My sponsor/s were my guides trough the steps, listening and following suggestions, paying attention and NOT doing it my way, got me through. Inch by Inch, day by day, week by week, keeping on with whats suggested at each step.

My lecturer is my guide through the course, he guides me through to the next week with what I need to do, when I pay attention he gives tips on what to be looking at next. NOT doing what I find interesting or looking ahead is the easier softer way. Keeping on week by week is Good orderly direction.

Mostly, dont panic, it is all exactly the way its supposed to be at the moment.

Crashing sometimes and letting go of self will that says well it was like this last week, and if I let go of a few things then surely it makes sense that it should be easier, cos my intentions are good!! NO its not the case, self will run riot, read step 3

Keep turning up, even if you havent done anything or you think its not enough.

I did a mock oral, last week, yeh no-one else would, not too bad, didnt project my voice enough, didnt speak to the audience enough, and he wouldnt have used one of the examples I used, as it wasnt right. but you know thats great feedback, I got mark 55 for standing up in complete fear and not really understanding what I was talking about infront of a load of people I hardly know and a lecturer who can be quite cutting towards some individiuals 55, that ONLY 6 away from excellent. Service, standing up and being prepared to make Tw*t of myself. I gave it my lousy best and you say.

Let Go Let God

Right I have to go now, as I am verging on taking advantage of doing nothing and I wont do anything. Must attempt reading a case again.

Good luck next week

Lots a Love

Johno... a newcomer student, week 6 semester 1 year 1
Flying without wings
And Lovin' it

ps. I am not in control here, someone called well and truly needing help, I went to a meeting and helped a newcomer. My unhealthy years wrestling with a pig (fear) around someone I used to live with inside and outside my own head...has now turned to Gold. The Alchemist strikes again!

I am not running the show here!

now please let me study!

Oh yeh and on essays, pick 3 different sources and use quotes, just 3 max from reading list, and use lectures and course text book. I have a tendency to try and invent the wheel, Johno theres no need :)

My Pain v Your Pain

My pain is more painful
Until I listen to your pain
then I think my pain isnt that bad

You really dont understand how I am feeling
You think I really dont know how you are feeling

Open your mind!

Is the pain you felt after being grabbed/assaulted in the street
LESS painful than I felt in childhood sexual abuse?

Is the pain you feel in giving up smoking and staying stopped
LESS painful than my giving up drinking and staying stopped?

Is the pain I felt after losing a parent
LESS painful than you feel changing a sponsor?

Is the pain I felt in turning up for work everyday
LESS painful than you feel turning up for a home group each week?

Is the pain i feel when you suggest I go out somewhere new
MORE painful than the way you feel when I suggest you pray?

Is the pain you feel when you eat too much chocolate
LESS painful than the pain I feel when I refuse to eat?

Is the pain I feel when you suggest I delete a number off my phone
MORE painful than the pain you feel when I suggest you stay away from that bar?

Is the pain I feel when I get to work late
MORE painful than the pain you feel when you take a line of coke?

Is the pain I feel when I see you smoking when you have cancer
MORE painful that the pain you feel when you hear I wont pray?

Is the pain I feel when I hear your pain when you wont take inventory
MORE painful than the pain you feel when you hear my pain when I wont let go?

NO

Pain is Pain is all painful

Its my arrogance that tells me my pain is more painful than your pain
How do i know?
Its my arrogance that tells me my pain is not as painful as your pain
How do i know?

To try and exert our will try and live along spiritual lines
Forgiving others for their shortfalls
accepting I am just the same
Is painful

Pain is not a weakness
Its simply part of the human condition
Knowing that doesnt relieve the pain
Accepting it doesnt relieve the pain

Pain is the problem
Pain leads to growth
Growth is found in the solution
Pain to peace is possible
Living in the solution
Going to anylengths to releive the pain
Perseverance
Face Everything And Recover

Do you like being in pain?
Do you know any other?
Do you like living in the problem?
Have you tried everything ?
EVERYTHING?

have we given time time?
have we set conditions on when we want the pain relieved?
have we set conditions on what we will do to relieve the pain?
have we set conditions on what we wont do to relieve the pain?
... well nearly anything....
Its ok, Spiritual lines is.... not immoral or illegal

When I am in pain...
there is always something I havent tried
which always relieves me of pain

which doesnt include
anything mood altering
or old isolating destructive behaviour

having said all that
this post is about
pain and pain

we all feel it
Question is
what are we prepared to do about it ?

anything?

If we dont know...
Give time time
We will soon know

Are you afraid of failing or suceeding ?

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate
Our deepest fear is
that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness
that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be
brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small doesn't serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about
shrinking so that other people
won't feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest
the glory of God that is within us.
It is not just in some of us, it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine.
We unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same
As we are liberated from our own fear, our prescence
automatically liberates others.

Nelson Mandela
Inaugural speech 1994

Personal relations - recent Progress

What happened is that
another pedestal and old idea
has come down, it crashed on Friday
I feel so much better

I have been wrestling with this pig in my head
for a few weeks now, refusing to put it
on paper

As soon as I did I felt humbled
Another teachable moment where I had
Got it all wrong, what seemed perfectly
rational, I had sussed the defect in my head
and was dealing with it appropriatelly

On paper it became clear it was a completely
different defect, that was driving this
wrestling match

I have had to stop taking other people inventory
ie 2nd guessing again why they are behaving the way they are
around me, even though its positive behaviour
I always assume I am the underdog
in need of a leg up
and why arent they assuming that same old position
of footstool

Today I feel different
today i am already up
and i couldnt see it
I am myself
I am enough
It has worked
it is working
it will continue to

people behave diffently towards me now
because I am different

I hadnt really understood what was had occurred
until Friday evening in a Step 6 meeting
am still shocked by this and suprised
pleasantly
there are no coincidences
I forgot about this step

Step 6
Were entirely ready to have God remove
all these defects of character
Well am I? am I still willing?
what defect is it this time ?
-that means, letting go of an old idea that around certain people
I will always be a lustful and self seeking
-if i wont, that means, I do not trust this process
-that means, I have not handed all my difficulties over
I am holding something back
-that means I need to take a step back to Step 3 on something
still didnt feel right
yeh on this difficulty I needed to go back to step3
and then take inventory

Step 6 = I have to be willing to let go of them all
it doesnt say when or how its about being willing
God I could go on for hours!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I did let go and took inventory again
It showed me that I was wrong about the
defects that have been driving this recent wrestle
My thinking is so unreliable
Fear holds me back
Self will is disastrous left inside my head

Take inventory
Its alwasy easier to take someone inventory
inventory showed me
What I was unwilling to do was accept I would ever
make any progress around someone
No longer were the same defects driving me
I thougt they were, again I cannot rely on my thinking

It was simply fear = of progress of the unfamiliar
and self will = this person wasnt assuming the position
of fixer I was usd to and i didnt like that cos this
new stuff seemed unfamiliar, therefor it must be a problem

I couldnt see. I have made progress
Taking inventory has very positive effects

the Power of God and using the tools
God has done for me what I couldnt do form myself
Sorry and all that, I got it very wrong God
Lack of faith in your power

Now I have a message of recovery
My primary purpose is to stay sober and help other alcoholics
Whether on a blog or in a meeting or anywhere
end of

Gods response... in a gentle but firm voice
Johno just continue to be yourself
its enough, no need to be afraid
Do not be discouraged
Progress not prefection
Keep on keeping on

ok, i will

I am Grateful

I have just experienced a very teachable moment
which I will share another time
am processing it
Basically I have made some progress
without even realising it
to do with people, personal relations
I thought it was like this
when actually not

to acknowledge progress is a MUST
however small and slow I think it is
the reality is, all growth is a gift
Its a spiritual awakening we get
not an alarm clock in our ear

Am humbled once again by the Power of God
(as I understand Him)
Hand in Hand with the Spirit of the Universe
anything can happen
well it just has and its lovely

bring it on!!
Recovery Rocks dudes

If like me you are going to
Hyde Park Calling tomorrow
Have a great time...
www.hydeparkcalling.co.uk

Learn to Listen, Listen to Learn

I heard
The bad thing about recovery is
you feel great
then you think you dont need it
then you stop working it
and many alkys forget
and drink
and some die
that was from a 25year sober AA

he values his sobriety
if he didnt stay sober
everything else would not be
He works it everyday
simple stuff
in all his affairs
and he isnt perfect

me am doing lots of service
lots of carrying the message
lots of tradition 5
its all going ok
I love it all

Wheres the listening time
I dont know it all
its alright carrying the message
I need to listen again

None of us makes a sole vocation of this work,
nor do we think its effectiveness would be increased if we did. P19

My imagination is fired
I am free to do anything
I feel it
I now have too many choices
And not enough time
to do it all
with love
am fraying at the edges
starting to become unmanageable
too much to deal with
I am not a robot
quality not quantity

Time to review
Recovery
Unity
Service
inventory
prayer meditation
service

unconditional love
= giving without strings
= giving freely

I need to improve my conscious contact
Am running too highly
on Pride & self will
enthusiasm is there
passion there
Fear is creeping in
replace fear with faith

physically am just a mere human being
AA will survive without me
I wont survive with out my conscious contact

I need to let go a little
Need to spend time
talking with God more
or rather listening
Works without Faith is dead!!
Quality not Quantity

Control Freaks dont rule... OK
So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn´t think so. P62

God I offer myself to Thee,
to build with me and do with me as Thou wilt
Relieve me of the bondage of self
that I may better do Thy will
take away my difficulties
that victory over them may bear witness
to those I would help
of thy power
Thy Love
and Thy way of life
may I do Thy will always!
P63

Page refs to Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous

The Butcher-The Baker-The Candlestick Maker

Or perhaps it should be The Dentist,
The Plumber and the Carpet Fitter

one of the questions on the form
when did you last visit the dentist ?
my answer.....over 10 years ago

As I now believe there are no coincidences
Its not just because I am now solvent
and have money to spend on stuff
It started during step 7
A sense of knowing and taking action in what
to spend money on ie not fixing

At this stage of our progress we are under
heavy pressure and coercion to do the right thing.
We are obliged to choose between the pains of trying
and the certain penalties of failing to do so. P74

We vigorously commenced this way of living as we cleaned
up the past. We have entered the world of the Spirit. Our
next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness.
P84

I can continue to listen to by thinking (see below)
driven by my defects
Or take inventory, pray for defects to be removed
Have some faith and ask for help
in the right people Experts in their field

the carpet fitter and a plumber
both in my flat
and i've been to the dentist twice
all in the space of a few weeks

Did the research
Made decsions to do the right things,
let people in, to help me do things
the right things, cos i want to
not just because I need to

Before that I had lots of excuses
too skint in debt
to afraid to have anyone home
no idea what i wanted
to miserly to spend
to worried about what people think of me
already decided i would be ripped off
no reason to see these people
i would manage the way I was
wait til i really needed them
(in my opinion)
anyway my teeth are not as important
.... as carpets and decorating are they!?

Strangely
I made the decsion to see the dentist
no immediate pain or worries
just knew it was the right thing to do
(after a 10year gap) no pun intended!!
to spend money on my teeth
to maintain them seemed as important
as decorating, carpetting AND
maintaining my flat (plumbing)

Plumbing, also not essential
I could have managed longer
(in my opinion)

Again it seems that these things I have NOW
need to be maintained to a level
Flat, body, mind, spirit all need looking after
or they fall to pieces
The aging process will take effect anyway

But I will no longer use the excuses
that I have no time, I am too sick
I cant afford it, I cant take time off work,
I'll call them tomorrow, theiyll rip me off
it'll cost a fortune
not Gods will

And we have ceased fighting anything or
anyone-even alcohol. For by this time sanity
will have returned. P84

ALL that I have been given is a gift
I have choices today what I do
Or is it that I dont have a choice
... its just do the right thing
Its like resistance is difficult
Have stopped fighting anything and everyone
But havent bcome a victim

Dentist..... had a real scale and polish
more like excavate.... lots of stuff to pick out!!!
It took one check up 15 minutes and
less than half an hour treatment
1 filling, or coating no sure what its called
am sitting here with a fat lip, cheek and chin
no food or drink til and no longer numb!!!
yeah am dead lucky
thats all for 6 months
She gave me a plan
brush twice not once a day, or not atall
get a smaller toothbrush
.... cos my mouths very small (its true)
Teeth look a millions dollars
See what do I know!!!

Plumber
One days work inc sourcing the materials
Job done
Fear now gone
Suprised!

Carpet fitter
Great fun, flat now looks amazing
Did a room at a time as I decorated
over a period of a few weeks
helped me move furniture
job done, i just had to ask!!!

Decorating
Done by yours truly
Day, hours at a time, 3 rooms
Abit like step 4 needed doing thoroughly
But its so worth it!!!
So am I

.......40 minutes to go then I can eat

You said it gets better if i kept coming back
this IS all so amazing
Even in its ordinaryness

I coud not have done any of this before
God done for me what I couldnt do for myself
All I have to do was
Honesty, willingness and openminded
and keep turning up NO MATTER WHAT!!!

Oh yeh and i stopped at a wood furniture shop
on the way to dentist, to find out about having
some furniture made....

Someone once said that money WAS good for the soul
Now I do believe it

P74 AA 12 steps & 12 traditions
P84 Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous

Questions for Conference

Created much comments tonight
some sayalot
some say a little
some agree
some dont

Its fab having a home group
that discusses questions for conference
We have a wealth of experience
at group, intergroup, region and conference levels
I came in to the meeting with my view
and then it changed, as a result of the evidence
presented from AA literature, by "older" group members
This is cool stuff

Am becoming a GSR thats interested in
the guidelines, reading Bill W's concepts

AA literature... all of it is such a gift
as is often said
AA is Divinely Inspired
Much of the writing is visionary
It doesnt date
Easy to use stuff that works in all my affairs
Another part of this "design for living" p28

It dont all make sense if i read it to know
to feed my ego, make me knowledgeable...
It makes sense when its meant to when its needed
When I need to know, I am shown

Service Rocks!!

P28 Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous

Big wave is levelling out

Anniversary has come & gone

day at a time

Doing whats in front of me

Trust God
Clean House
help others

honesty
openminded
willingness

Keep on, keeping on

Life will mean something at last.
The most satisfactory years of your existence lie ahead. P152

no drama
self centred fear that something bad would happen after so much gratitude
Things will happen whether am grateful or not
Fear is a red herring my head throws at me every so often
it brings self pity & misery

Grateful for the ordinary, its taking a little getting used to

page ref Alcoholics Anonymous "big book"

Entered the Realm of spirit, a 4th dimension

19th August 2003 I had my last drink

A failed attempt to control my drink & not get drunk
I rolled in abit earlier than now
my boss had commented on how glazed my eyes look
I could hardly walk up the stairs in the restaurant
I had embarrased my manager
I had got flirty with an someone i wouldnt have gone near sober
I didnt get off with who i wanted
incontinent
need i say more

This 3rd year has been all about letting go
Letting go absolutely
of
fixing on pornography
living in fantasy
sponsor
self will
homegroup
relying on humans to relieve my alcoholism
christmas (my old idea of)
self will
ideas of Gods Power
self will
ideas of the power of prayer
mum
ministers are inflexible
I will never be good at my job
Self will
having money will make me happy inside
ideas about my own abilities
Self will
ideas about whats possible
belief that am not good enough
ideas about Gods plan for me
in fact all my frikkin ideas !!

By making yet another decision to turn my will & my life over to the care of God (as I understand him)
Continue to take personal inventory
Pray loads
trust another sponsor
pray specifically for my defects to be removed
trust that God could & would if he were sought
Trust the programme
trust myself
Have Faith
Do the right things
Keep doing the right things
Follow the spiritual principles
Allow for imperfection
Forgiveness of self and others
Stay honest
Stay open mindedness
Stay very willing
Put my recovery first
keep turning up even when i really not sure why
Accept that i just am rubbish at predicting the future
Am grateful I cant (i would have had a restless, irritable & discontented year)

I tell you this has been the best ever yet

It says "If he is to find God - the desire must come from within" P95
The desire came last year
I really fought the feeling but had to eventually surrender to the fact
that for this alcoholic
No human power could relieve my alcoholism
Thats NO person
I threw myself at Him (God) absolutely
I had no choice
I just knew it was the answer
And it was
That was the year that was... all about me & God becoming friends
Me doing what seemed to be Gods will for me
Its been like ahem easier...
Almost like it was the "easier softer way"
Amazing GOD YOU ARE AMAZING

So to end on

The manager I embarrased 3 years ago tonight, he has seen me turn up to work & barely do work. we had many a chat but I just couldnt change.

The same man, I havent seen for 2 years, he left our company
he called my up 4weeks ago & offered me a job
a job that its now very obvious that I am good at & enjoy NOWADAYS
he & his colleague will pay me a very good salary
i have become useful & sought after
I have a reputation of being reliable
I have integrity am fully armed about the facts about my abilities in the workplace today
I told them my strong points & my flaws ...
and they still want me, the truth has set me free
They have are giving me everything I negotiated & more
I am giving them my imperfect & very humble hardworking self

I am an alcoholic
I doing the steps with a sponsor
An i got offered this job that in my heart I can do 90% of & the rest can learn, thats a combination of ALL my strongest points in my last 5 jobs and they'll pay me more than I ever earned before with potential for more
GOD IS AMAZING

It would be insane not to to go and do it...
I start September 11th...
A day also of quiet reflection for us all

I made a statement about a year and a half ago that I would NEVER have a gym membership again. I have had many, turned up for about 2 months & then had to pay for the rest of the year. This new job, has FREE membership for the gym/swim thats situated in the building for anyone that works there. God really does have a sense of humour :-) As always doing for me what I cant/wont do for myself.

When we drew near to Him, He disclosed Himself to us! P57
thats whats happened to me & its lovely

Am grateful for everything, everything

Am grateful I am now beginning to accept the things I cannot change, have the willingness to change the things I can, the courage to ask God to help me change what I cant & some wisdom & a fellowship to help me see the things that aren't be changed YET

Am going to bed. Tomorrow I will be 3 years & on day 1 again

Thank you for all those who posted while I havent been
Much appreciated
xx

All page ref Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) 4th Edition