Just for today.... Restraint of tongue and pen

Just for Today
Pick one and try and practice it

Just for today
I will exercise my soul in three ways.
I will do somebody a good turn, and not get found out;
if anybody knows of it, it will not count.
I will do at least two things I don't want to - just for exercise.
I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt;
they may be hurt, but today I will not show it.

Just recently
I have been noticing
that I am leaning on approval seeking
with someone at work
and almost pushing boundaries again
like a child
old behaviour
and seeing what reaction I get
and there is none!
so my cunning plan doesnt work
disease
dis-ease in me schemes
my feelings have been hurt
my ambition
my financial security
my personal relations
have all been threatened
or so my self centred fear tells me

So my focus for the 24 hours or so is
just for exercise.
I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt;
they may be hurt, but today I will not show it.

restraint of tongue and pen and email
Think Think Think

before speaking... ask myself
does it need to be said now?
does it need to be said by me?
Is it helpful to the situation?

it all takes practice
and I need to be reminded to practice it :)

ordinary living

not sure
where I am at
So I am not saying very much at the moment
just doing the actions
in all areas
not really thinking
much

back to prayer
and learning who God is!
and how he lived and died

part of me is feeling peaceful
and part of me is standing with the challenge
faith is huge
I know that I can make it (with You)
though theyre doing me wrong
something inside is strong
and prayer is keeping me strong inside
keeping the light shining brightly
though it flickers and almost snuffs out (it feels)
even when though outside seems hard and emotionless
yet really it is burning steadily
even when I dont think it is
something inside so strong
IT IS

is this for real? yes
in whose name?


faith and prayer
allows me to do things with dignity
i have no idea why I am being asked
to do these things
gonna do it anyway

Leaning on the fellowship!! not an individual - GOD group of "ex" drunks

Kathy said "okay, here's a thought..maybe the financial issues you are facing are the financial solution.. "

You know
this could be
could be not!

but you know it makes me feel alot better
when someone
Makes me look at my stuff
from an entirely different angle P66
with just a few words!
thank you Kathy!! x
I learn from everyone... and everything

Brings to mind
rejection is Gods protection
and my experience I say it as
Rejection is ALWAYS Gods protection

Also some story IFOBW gave me
about a horse and a boy that went to war
or had an accident or something
and a farm or something like that
when everything seemed to happen
and people though it was for the worst
and then someone always said
after each "disaster" thing
could be could be not!
I am sure she will elaborate
when she has time?

Its true
who the heck am I to say
the futures bleak
and this is a stumbling block?

Who am I to say that Gods plan
Sober me up and get me TO THE BEACH
and then club me to death!

Who am I to put money above my faith?

Frikkin' ell
Thanks for the reality check my fiends!

Someone said to me today
that everythings doable
and its ok to freak out abit and go ouch!
its hurting but I am doing it...
its true.. I had just forgotten it applies to me
and by saying it doesnt mean I am giving up
well I am I am giving up, letting go of PRIDE
it means I am surrendering to win!

Also I have been walking round with
my eyes down, in my own world
and forgotten there are people around
me that love and care and love my sense of humour
I was asked today why I wasnt myself...
I asked them what myself is.. not in a confrontational way
she said fun and lovely to be around at work..
now thats kinda nice huh
And she said yeh here we are, you just need to look up
and you'll see us...

Amazing... she's only known me a little while
and I hardly spoken to her much
and we work on different ends of office
hows she get that insight into me already?

God knows! but I like it!
Worker amongst worker

A look at the alcoholic in your organization is many times illuminating. Is he not usually brilliant, fast-thinking, imaginative and likable? When sober, does he not work hard and have a knack of getting things done? P139 P140

You know I did the prayers
I did the inventory
I am keeping my mouth shut
I am praying for people through the day as they come up!
and today was a good day
circumstances ALL the same
I am different...

God grant me the courage
to notice and accept the things I cannot change
to continue to change the things I can (me)
and continue to provide me with wisdom to know the difference
when you feel like it...
thanks x

ps just watched yesterdays post
youtube and it reminded me
I need a haircut!

Like clockwork - set your clock Johno - take responsibility from today

28 days ago

tuesday 28 days previous

3 months evidence is enough!

I have managed to get someones back up
amends have been made

I am not perfect at restraint of tongue and pen
though I do try

BUT I have not kept a check on my pmt
therefore I take a certain amount of reponsibility

even though I am aware of how destructive
my tongue and pen and keyboard
can be during this time

Flippin 'eck
the road gets narrower

when I know better
I really do have a responsibility
to do better!!!

The innocent deserve to be protected!
how much longer do I want to spend
taking my own inventory on this same old same old?
not much!!
then Do Not delay!

ok, enough analysis - THERE IS A SOLUTION!
Do I have a desire to stop all this
this randomness and lashing my keyboard/tongue/attitude
when I know damn well what causing it?
Yes I have a desire!

Take steps & hand it over to a power greater than me!
1. pmt screwing my thinking & my tongue & keyboard became unmanageable
2. do i believe it will make a diference if I diarise ? yes
3. Am I willing to diarise it and take responsibility
now I know what the solution is? yes
4. what is the root cause of all this? sloth and self will
I havent bothered & I think I can remember
5. I've told you & god
6. Am I willing to hand it over to the diary and do the right thing? or continue in the way I have been? yeh I want to change the things I can
7. Will I hand over all of me including my sloth and self will to God? yes
8. have I harmed anyone? yes
9. am I willing to make amends? yes I did already
10. will I continue to do this and if I dont, admit it? yeh ok!!
11. will I continue to seek out gods will in all areas and the power to carry it out? yes
12. Now I know how it works, will I pass it on, and practice these principles on all my difficulties in all my affairs? yes

I still have no desire... hmm when i was writing that I suddenly realised I am starting to have the desire to get in to work for 9am, cos I am theres abit of me that is wanting it and its growing. I am still praying twice a day for the willingness to change my attitude to 9am starts by the way. Both Monday and Today 9am starts!

There is no way anyone is going to convince me that praying doesnt work or there is no God!

The gifts of sobriety
progress not perfection

It works - It really does - I am not suprised!!!

Keep it simple
I feel better
I took inventory yet again (mine)
I prayed like my life and peace of mind depends on it (cos it does)
I bathed
put on clean clothes
ate breakfast
went to work
prayed at work (on knees) yes its is possible (for me essential, see below)
did what I was paid to do FIRST
did what I had been asked to do (some extra's voluntarily)
ate lunch
prayed during the day
prayed for people
prayed for fear to be removed
prayed for restraint of tongue and email
No self seeking
Much restraint
No drama
No wearing heart on sleeve
No expecting to be understood
No sulking either

Just for today
I will be agreeable.
I will look as well as I can, dress becomingly,
keep my voice low, be courteous, criticize not one bit.
I won't find fault with anything,
nor try to improve or regulate anybody but myself.

result
I FELT LIGHTER, Brighter

study tonight
all going ok
hard, processing, everything
asking for help in the right places
Trust the process (Faith)
Keep on keeping on
Action if the magic word (Works)

Faith without Works is dead!

I'm off for another heart to heart with God

ps praying on knees
does a few things for me
a) It makes me stop what I am doing
b) It makes me concentrate
c) it makes me listen to what I am saying
d) It changes the words into a real prayer
e) It makes my chat become genuine
f) humbly
g) It tells me I am serious about what i am saying

This is just one of the ways
required for me at the moment
I do pray all over the place
standing up, on my head
in the queue at supermarket
outloud, in silence
eyes shut, eyes open
naked, clothed
in bed, by the bed
in the kitchen, on the bus

There is no right way
Pray as you can, not as you cant!
You must have heard that one before
All prayers are heard
ITS TRUE

Resentment is the number one offender... Johno you need Gods help... just do it!

Resentment is the number one offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else.P64

whats it mean?
I for instance have a few resentments festering
which I need to do something about
but
I THINK
i have "more" important things
and because I am getting some sort of pleasure
hanging around these people
waiting for some fantastical happy ending
I predict a happy ending
even though I can see I am not in it
I still predict, which is me running the show
rather than
than letting God take over and drive me
instead I (thats me the great me)
allow the defective motives
drive my actions
and lead to the consequences
and lead me into a resentment
which fans my selfcentred fear
which pops at my pride
which fanns my fear
which leads to me thinking I should run away
and isolate
and not take part in
...not just the activity
but everything, the whole thing
ENERYTHING

I am kidding myself that
I am taking part in something
with an attitude of service!
well I am
and at the same time
I am self seeking
and have a dishonest motive
self seeking
self centred
selfish
its all about me me me
and remember... other people are sick too

I need help, my world has got small
and God now has a couple of faces
So I am not looking at God
people are not God

we had to fearlessly face the proposition that either God is everything or else He is nothing. God either is or He isn't. What was our choice to be? P53

So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn´t think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us! God makes that possible. And there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without His aid. Many of us had moral and philosophical convictions galore, but we could not live up to them even though we would have liked to. Neither could we reduce our self-centeredness much by wishing or trying on our own power. We had to have God´s help. p62

Stop fighting and wrestling with the other sick Pig
two or three sick pigs wrestling makes a very big mess
you have no business going there
Leave it all alone
LET GO LET GOD

and Go to frickin bed! and pray for some willingness
and stop mucking about

"God, I offer myself to Thee-to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!" p63

Restraint of Tongue and pen

Over a period of months
I am
watching
listening
seeing
someone

In the grip
Drinking themselves ? to death

This weekend
They cannot remember
what went on
what they did
how they got the cuts on their hands

Today
they are unable to do their job
not unlike many days
This person says
I feel like S**t
I cant concentrate
I need to stop doing this
Its just a phase
I think i'll try and stay sober on my birthday
I think I need to check in with the Priory
I think I need to go home and do some exersize at home
I think i'll go for a run
I have lots to do today and need to focus
I havent got a lot done, I want to go home
I shouldnt be spending so long on facebook
I cant leave it alone
I spent so much money
I dont have enough money
I am skint
I bought this on the internet
I need to book my next holiday
Am only going out for one
I only had one
I cant phone this client they may know I had one vodka

I used to comment, join in the laughter at times
until I realised
this is no ordinary drinker

the last month or so
I make no comments
I just listen carefully and look into their eyes
and turn back to my work
and leave them be

their comments have gone from
raucous high pitched joviality about the exploits
to a quiet comment
quiet comment

My job is to be of maximum helpfulness
I am here to do my job and serve You
have you put me with this person for a reason?
Is this you ? God
God. If it is you
Show me what I need to do for this person
just give me Your words
until You do,
I will not comment
on this persons alcohol consumption
or their behaviour
I will stay quiet
Listen
Watch
and get on with my job
Staying silent is hard discipline

The AA programme is for people who want it

Ps God
thank you for putting another Sponsee
I will meet up with her tomorrow
Go through the basics
and see what happens
She's had a week now to change her mind
She just told me again,
she wants it
she wants to get well
She will do anything
I am willing to run with that
I have prayed on it
discussed it with my Sponsor
She shared her experience and then
She leaves it with me...and God
A day at a time

See how it goes,
thanks tho
I am grateful I have what someone wants
Its a gift i have been given, a present to pass on
Any lengths, I am willing
And soooo grateful for what I have been given

Honesty

Honesty must not be used as a weapon
Is something my sponsor passed onto me
It is a sponsor instruction that springs to mind often along with

The rule is we must be hard on ourself, but always considerate of others.P74

Honesty is so important, an essential

If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking, you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic. P44

There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest. P58

But they had not learned enough of humility, fearlessness and honesty, in the sense we find it necessary P73

Nothing counted but thoroughness and honesty P65

Most emphatically we wish to say that any alcoholic capable of honestly facing his problems in the light of our experience can recover, provided he does not close his mind to all spiritual concepts P570 Spiritual Experience

Willingness, honesty and open mindedness are the essentials of recovery p570 Spiritual Experience

Belief in the power of God, plus enough willingness, honesty and humility P13

if he has accepted our solution which, as you know, demands rigorous honesty P145

But it can be damaging to self and others
if it is driven by defects

I now know the difference
Between
Being honest, with self seeking
needing your approval
Being partially Honest, driven by fear
scared shitless at the same time
fear of what you think or what will happen
Being honest, driven by vengefulness
a weapon, to make someone suffer

Nowadays I try not to do the above
I try to practice
Being honest, driven by love
sharing of experience
Being honest driven by an desire to be helpful
Being honest with an desire to grow
if I am honest with myself,
I get to know
where I am at
and so do you

Big Book suggests for a difference of opinion..
Just be careful not to disagree in a resentful or critical spirit. P117

Speaking, writing honestly in any shape or form nowadays,
is abit like Step5 on an ongoing basis
I get to hear what it sounds like
and my conscience reacts accordingly

I cannot find out the truth
just by thinking, and reading my mind
I need a "Needle gun" of sorts
a shot blaster, a Power tool
inventory and prayer are a very god start

We took stock honestly P67

But He has come to all who have honestly sought Him P57

How other people react to what I say
Is none of my business
I try and keep my motives good
(as pure as they can be is any given moment)

If someone is hurt or offended or any other
thing that comes as a result of my honesty
its upto them to say
people (including me) can assume alsorts

I dont know what I dont know
and I dont know where you are at
do I need to ? I dont know that either

If I dont know what to do
I will say I dont know what to do
be honest in what my problem is
I wont expect people to mind read I that need
help, just because my problem is defect driven
eg. If I am frightened, I will say am frightened and I
need help with...
obviously I am careful who I disclose this stuff too
If I dont know what the problem is
initially sponsors helped me get to the bottom of it
nowadays its inventory and prayer
and then sponsor and or whoever/whatever seems to be the best resource

What I do know is
the hardest thing to accept
about improving on the personal relations
is that I am Powerless over where you are
at any given moment with your stuff

I do not use honesty as a weapon
Trust me

Take care
with love
Johno

Page refs Alcoholics Anonymous big Book

Getting angry doesnt solve anything

Due to your recent posts on Anger
I am watching out for booby traps

Typically after listening to the alarm
Til it started to get light
dilemma between
well its not worth going to sleep now
and i cant anyway
Finished reading "A Pilgrims Progress"
I dropped off about 5 and woke up 8.45 eek
Shop Alarm still going off...

Prayer answered in the middle of washing my hair
go in the shop & get the number of the alarm
security company who are te call out contact
Common sense, perfect sense
much better than my idea
"if i leave it to someone else it'll get sorted"

A further rush of soundness of mind led me onto
Well if a shop alarm is going off
for this long, then its a fault in the wiring
No one would leave it binging off that long purposely
If its working properly, the security co or
police would be on it
I cant blame the shop owner
Cos they probably are completely oblivious

I raced down the stairs to check out which shop
as at anytime the alarm could just get turned off
it was passed 9am
as I got nearer the door
Fear said, they'll just tell you to MYOB
Faith said... just ask for a number so if it happens again
you can alert someone, go on

So I did, the manager wasnt gonna be in til
later but she said he would sort it
I walked out of the shop
then walked back in
Asked for his number so I could call him
she said theres no point in having the landline number
as they only open shop hours... she missed the point
I asked for it anyway

Dave the manager told me
he was in touch with the alarm & security people
to find out why it went off
was it a fault in the wiring
or was it operator error from his Sunday staff
Either way, he was sorry this had happened
It should be sorted today
He gave me his personal mobile number anyway
just incase it happened again...to let him know

I cant really ask for more than that

Yeh could have asked for compensation and all that stuff
The shop is an outlet to promote a new Gym opening near me
What kind of compensation would I get from them then?
What would I do with a Gym membership
It would be abit like waving a stake at a vampire
Nooooooooooooo

All i wanted was a solution incase it happened again
thats what I got

As for work
yeh called them, said I would be late
someone said, "they wouldnt have bothered to turn up
they would have gone back to bed for the day"
Is it me? taking responsibility and tying up loose ends
This really is the easier softer way

It works - It really does

It works-It really does
P88 Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous

I am grateful today
that I do not buy into other peoples drama
I do not react with muted anger or audible sarcasm
towards people for replaying the
"this is this weeks problem tape"
to everyone that asks how they are
regardless of who they are
whether they are equipped to deal with it

I was like this ALL THE FREAKING TIME
once I got in AA and found a voice of sorts
its like the tape was on constant
play, rewind, play, rewind
all my problems seemed to build up like layers
and even though some became resolved
it was like i couldnt grasp it - couldnt see the truth
life got too much, and even the simplest things
became too ard, it was all just too ard

Spiritually sick, emotionally crippled, mentally defective
physically just a bag of organs, surviving
continually sick and tired of being sick and tired
I was the most miserable **!
Continually needing reminding
We are sick people getting well, not bad people getting good

God am glad its not like that now!!

Up to a few years ago
I had no idea how to deal with
the Devils who wear Prada
The Primadonnas LOUD AND PROUD
now I am
(I have a God that helpd me come to believe)
that my George from Asda is good enough!!
Twiggy at M&S is also enough
And the Devil also weras George & M&S

The Devil often does wear Prada in circles
that I now find myself in and he often reveals himself
and she aint a pretty woman
The grass is not greener

So I stick with "trying to be of maximum helpfulness"
continue to dress becomingly in my George at Asda
and Twiggy at M&S
and stay out of other peoples drama's
I do not have to fix them
I do not have to like them
I do not have to take them home with me

I like praying for people nowadays
People appear to change after a few days
...... they do, its true, they appear to change
Whatever..it works this praying lark
Its magic
...... stop your scoffing and try it

Yeh I have resentments its obvious
Those same defects do not disappear
they just quieten
But I take inventory and pray for them dudes
On my knees at times
I rarely say how I feel when in resentment
mostly its not helpful
(I remember trying it, making a comment,
it resulted in a loud shouting match
battle of self wills
- my motives for the comment
was barbed with envy, self pity, pride
and self centred fear, affecting my security
self esteem and personal relations)
In otherwords, crap motives

At that time, I didnt have this
faith in the Spirit of the Universe,
a Loving God (its true)
I had no idea what to do with these people
So i would avoid them
Now I dont need to, in fact its impossible to
These Eskimo's turn up all over the place
carrying Prada bags

God hears my truth and thats enough
I have been a doormat to my own stuff long enough
I am not prepared to be one for anyone elses
Its just not Gods will for me, I KNOW
I have worked to hard for what I have now
With His help and his messengers

How much money they have is none of my business
What they talk about is also none of my business
What their drama's are is also none of my business
Even if they tell me I dont have to comment
"I dont know" is enough
Gossip Kills (me if I listen to it)
Idle banter kills me (if I take part in it for too long)
So I try not to do either

Nowadays I love my Devils in Prada
They are all Gods kids, as I am
Perfect in their imperfectness
Just like meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Sleeeeeeeeeeeep give me Sleeeeeeeeeeeep

Gratefully yours God, to build with me
and to do with me as Thou wilt
(please dont put me in Prada)
Johno

Ps God only kidding about me in Prada
i'll leave it with you

PPs God do you wear Prada ?

Today

Am grateful...
a missing AA dude, texted me
sponsee getting feisty
Gods words not mine
patience & tolerence
better to understand than to be understood
the only person we can change are ourselves
often only with Gods help

giving things ago
Old timer in home group yesterday
"you dont take the credit if your sponsee gets it
you dont take the blame if they dont"
another newcomer does his first chair
further evidence the steps work
text off prison AA for my chair date
call of another prison AA about another prison

my calm flat
clean bed
good food
no-one home
quiet bath
getting home in the sunshine
a quiet journey home
talking with family tonight
trying to be of max helpfulness

trying to sort out a banking mix up I have
trying not to bury my head in the sand
recognising how disabling fear really is
step 10's cos they free me up
prayer cos its comforting and safe

doing some clearing up
grateful I have a direction and a purpose
grateful for progress NOT prefection
grateful to be trusted
grateful that I am not God
grateful i made my bed before blogging
grateful for AA its the best
grateful to be tired

grateful I can tell ya I need to take inventory
grateful to be honest.. am fighting inventory
grateful to feel blocked & be aware of it
grateful to know the solution

am lovin it

Another day in the 4th Dimension

I am grateful

for being useful today
not doing what others did today
doing what i get paid to do
doing also what i been asked to do
not being a loafer "just because i can get away with it"
doing a days work, instead of fantasising

making another attempt at step4
Just for today & didnt act out when it hurt
Just for today I sat with it and did a bit more

got honest with another human being
being told its ok to be reminded
admitted my feeling vulnerable
seeing its ok to not do it perfect
seeing i need help
seeing thats the whole point
seeing how much I have acted out on my loneliness in the past
having choices today in more and more areas of my life
talking it instead of texting it

"scream in, scream out...time for healing"
(Just the way am feeling - Feeder)

for another sober day in the 4th dimension
and the willingness to get words down on paper

An eskimo spoke & triggered my defects

We meet these conditions every day. An alcoholic
who cannot meet them, still has an alcoholic mind; there
is something the matter with his spiritual status. His
only chance for sobriety would be some place like the
Greenland Ice Cap, and even there an Eskimo might
turn up with a bottle of scotch and ruin everything! P101

I am mental
Open mouth, full of shite
or not what i intended to say
or that sounds shite, why did i say that?
or I want to just go home & hide
or i cant shut up
it gets worse
can i go out and come back in again
oh god am nuts
brain & mouth not working in sync
mouth working off some other string
just be, dont do... i cant for long

Luckily
sense of humour is in tack
friends just were
its just for today
or just for the time being
this too shall pass

Sober, insane & hopeful
self pity & fear & pride manageable
Friend was 1 today
Flight booked
Am building a life, we are building a life
am finding out and experiencing
i am getting to know me
another future event arranged
Bikes fixed
works done

In our belief any scheme of combating alcoholism which proposes to shield the sick man from temptationis doomed to failure. If the alcoholic tries to shield himself he may succeed for a time, but usually winds up with a bigger explosion than ever. We have tried these methods. These attempts to do the impossible have always failed. P101

The problem isnt the alcohol tonight, that thought never came
its my thinking
meal out
remained present for an hour
exchanging conversation... then ouch, envy, bang, self centredness
oh fuck here they come, i am powerless
my head left the room
bang, self pity, bang pride... i am not cured
i suddenly had people in my head, ready to act out with
this is a problem
reigned my thinking & defects in kind of to manageable
i allowed the conversation to die gracefully
moved onto something & someone else
God help me

I cant just remove myself from all who trigger my defects
I would still be left with me & I am powerless over my thoughts
the only way I know is to walk through
Hand in Hand with the Spirit of the Universe
checking out my motives for being there & even before speaking
I was there for the right reasons
I opened my mouth and spoke at times for the wrong reasons
Self seeking motives
Progress is turning up & eating
Accepting Imperfection IMO made a twat of myself a few times
when i was self seeking
Acceptance will come

i want to act out, i dont want to act out
i want to act out, i dont want to act out
God help me

still dont like meals out except alone
still dont like practicing meals out with other people
thank God I dont have to do it everyday,
for 12 hours... it would appall me
today I just did it anyway

I enjoyed being there
It was just when my head kicked in
the trick today is to not let 10mins of defective thinking
and a few words that i didnt "choose" to utter
persuade me that the whole evening was a shambles

the world didnt grind to a halt because I am mental today
I didnt either, just keep on keeping on

just for today am grateful inside & in a forcing it out my mouth kind of way

Page references to "Big Book" Alcoholics Anonymous

Turning point

todays been one of them, this is what i was like, i am glad i am not now...or maybe that should be today. Todays been a bit confusing, abit calm, ,"God I know better", i still got stuff to learn, pass it on, i talking at instead of too. Lots of stuff. Projecting about birthday, anniversary, step9, step8, holidays, bank holiday, amends, ex. Thinking is taking me away from the present, putting fear in there. Guess am in my step, step = change, accept, to change theres got to be a bit of a shake up, abit of letting go, leaving room for something else, whatever that may be. Am scared yet, preparing, for what i dunno, just to do it suppose.

Today I listened to someone who had what i wanted at one point, had everything I wanted, someone knew what was right and fought for it, no matter what, that was the way, so i thought. Today I saw the damage this was doing, or could do. The battles that i used to get into, the battles that this person is still having. Yes the stuff needs to be dealt with, but not by me or this person. We are JUST in the roles we are in, we have no power in the roles that we are in, we need a power greater than ourselves, so find one, ask them and then let them. Today am minding my own business, looking out for my stuff first, and in doing do, I am fitting myself to be of maximum helpfulness to those I am immediatedly responsible for and to. If others would do the same, it would be a perfect world, but that is not how this world is.

Today am seeing that its not about everyone else, its about me and how i am in this world, world being wherever I am at any give time, on any given phone call, in any given email, in any face to face. And ask the question of my HP...."what is my job here ?" Whats your will? Whats the right thing to do?

Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us. P77 Alcoholics Anonymous

Its not my job to change the people at work around me, if i look at them as sick (sick as in unaware) we are not all blessed with the same awareness, as their peers, they just need enlightening, teaching, showing. Is it my job to show them ? no. Well let those whose job it is to teach them then. Yesterday, my first thought was to send a"You Bastard" email to someone letting them know that they had wasted some of my time. However knowing my LACK of success in these "shoot from the hip" emails in the recent past, i ran it by a manager before sending & he advised me not to send it as there was already a training issue highlighted and this would be helpful in a meeting. So i forwarded it to the "right" person and left it at that.

It was only by accepting that I was not going to get my way, taking advice from someone who knows me & knows better, trusting, doing, and letting go, thats given me that compassion for the person I was going to stamp on with my frustrations, my self centredness. I was comparing someone who hasnt had the "training" that others have and just expected them to do it right, because its their job. :-) How many times, how many times, did I NOT do my job ?

I dont know what I dont know, and even when I do know, I forget very easily, thats why I need to be reminded, need to keep turning up, doing my lousy best, making mistakes gracefully, admitting them to others, putting myself out there without fear. Turning difficulties into assets, redirecting anger away from a situation. Counting to 100 before hitting the send button, walking away and doing something else, and coming back to it after the anger has dispersed. Step 10 perhaps... Asking the question "Is it helpful to send that NOW?" Remembering, me getting my own way is not what its about.

This person I looked upto with a sad, despairing, defeated, but still with defiance & said "Is anyone enjoying coming to work at the moment ?"
I said truthfully... I am

Today I turned a corner, today this person hasnt got what I wanted, today, and lots of other days recently. I feel compassion & acceptance & quiet gratitude.

The gift of minding my own business
The gift of first things first
The gift of experience
The gift of humility

Inflexible

Inflexible = controlfreak = angry & judge when things dont go my way = selfcentrednes = defect
yay!! i got there in the end.

Acceptance he might possibly be right, he wouldnt just throw it in just for a laugh
Ask him to explain. I listened. Didnt accept/understand his examples.
Accepted he he might possibly be right even though I didnt/couldnt/wouldnt see it.
Asked HP to show me, help me to see.
Accepted the answers would come, not in my time, not in any particular form.
Paid attention to what went on around me, my reactions to people, places & things.

The answers came. Its true. I am selfcentred. The evidence is all around me.

The truth sets us free.

Freedom to move away from selfcentredness with the help of my HP & huge restraint of tongue & pen, willingness to take part even when things arent going my way, and in the wrong direction for a while. Allowing myself & others to make & admit our mistakes, without drama, self hating. Forgiving them as they & others have done & do me.

I am in with a chance.

Let go, let go more, surrender to win.