Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Passed with flying colours, Pre-mental tension, Step 11

Results out tonight!
Passed B in both subjects
This is Excellent!!

Inspiring to keep on keeping on
40 years old
no real school leaving exams
drunk for 20 years
now look whats going on!

Yes theres a long way to go
and this semeseter is harder
and I am finding it really challenging
more than last
this year is the practice run for next!

i wish I could share all joy
I could i suppose
but whatever I am blogging for me
if your interested in how
my mind body stuff is connected
well read on LOL
I find it all fascinating!!!!!!!!!!
and there is some more
study and step11 stuff
after the snot update

Physically ill
More than grief I feel
Though nothing major I also feel
after much snot moving and crying
i fear my tubes are blocked and really hurt!
I have to see the GP I cant hear properly!
and spending hours on the phone at work is my job...
this is some what of a problem!
Although today, I woke up with this curious feeling
that today there was something different about it
woke up with silence in my head
peace just for abit
Whats that about it?

I have some compassion at the moment
for the hearing impaired/challenged
Its an odd one!

And regarding PMT
I am going to keep a check on it again!
I've been in it this week
I havent kept a note of it
almost purposely as I have had a tendency to
diarise it to the day and 7 days before
try and pre-empt this mental stuff
in an almost risk management state
But I also wondered at the same time
if knowing it was coming... perhaps
I lived it, indulged it cos I expected it?

I have decided especially after this last week
I am going to go back to diarising it
so i know when to hand the crash helmets out
and buy the tissues
have the extra early nights
and be easier on myself
i really am emotionally challenged
around this time
and I do not want to take a pill
awareness, and taking care
not avoiding, just letting it come
and letting it go again
knowing it will at times
not be pleasant not not getting drawn in
with the drama
ok, see you in 21 days with this one!

Grateful to have such an amazing couple of marks
Huge respect for ALL students
Its takes obedience and perseverence
and loads of other stuff... aswell as anylengths

Miracles happen in AA

ok more home work now
I flunked a piece of course work today
I havent done it
Had to just accept it
I cannot do eveything I want
in the time I want
I have to put my recovery first
ie my health
early nights I have had
the last 2 nights have helped
no books no reading
yes crying
the 5.30am stuff
is just not practical
long term
its just a quick fix
and this week had suffered
I think
Live and learn!

Step 11
Doing some exploring and i feel safe
Reading The Tibetan book of Living and Dying
Listening to Eckert Tolle
thanks IFOBW
They say when the students ready the teacher appears
I tried the reading this a few years ago
and the listening a few months ago
and couldnt listen to or read them
tried to but not hearing or seeing what was written
this weeks been different
this tells me I am open to it
I dont know but doing it anyway
it feels comfortable (like dAAve says not forced)

Also made some inroads in a bereavement "course"
through church for a few months time
in "fellowship" with other people
with similar questions
around death, loss etc
Not looking for sympathy
just perhaps, from what I am reading
A relationship with my mum
it seems this is possible
I beleive it is, even for me
I have no idea how at the moment
It feels comfortable and not forced
Willing to try

Thanks for all your comments
emails and texts
they all help
I'm off to rest my ear, it REALLY HURTS!
see ya!


Rhonda said...


An Irish Friend of Bill said...

Good news!

Want some advice or feedback from a 'Wise Being'? Try Active Imagination!

Try imagining having a chat with your mum using the "Active Imagination" method I mention in this post. You can imagine speaking to anyone really. Speak as often as you like, but it may take a bit of practice to get the hang in the beginining. Like any unfamiliar task really.

Shadow said...

congratulations on those marks!!!!!

and have you managed to condense your life there... just goes to show, we'll all get around to what we're 'supposed' to do, it just takes longer sometimes.

Syd said...

Good for you on the grade report. And I agree that sometimes we can't get everything done. Just keep First Things First.