Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Like clockwork - set your clock Johno - take responsibility from today

28 days ago

tuesday 28 days previous

3 months evidence is enough!

I have managed to get someones back up
amends have been made

I am not perfect at restraint of tongue and pen
though I do try

BUT I have not kept a check on my pmt
therefore I take a certain amount of reponsibility

even though I am aware of how destructive
my tongue and pen and keyboard
can be during this time

Flippin 'eck
the road gets narrower

when I know better
I really do have a responsibility
to do better!!!

The innocent deserve to be protected!
how much longer do I want to spend
taking my own inventory on this same old same old?
not much!!
then Do Not delay!

ok, enough analysis - THERE IS A SOLUTION!
Do I have a desire to stop all this
this randomness and lashing my keyboard/tongue/attitude
when I know damn well what causing it?
Yes I have a desire!

Take steps & hand it over to a power greater than me!
1. pmt screwing my thinking & my tongue & keyboard became unmanageable
2. do i believe it will make a diference if I diarise ? yes
3. Am I willing to diarise it and take responsibility
now I know what the solution is? yes
4. what is the root cause of all this? sloth and self will
I havent bothered & I think I can remember
5. I've told you & god
6. Am I willing to hand it over to the diary and do the right thing? or continue in the way I have been? yeh I want to change the things I can
7. Will I hand over all of me including my sloth and self will to God? yes
8. have I harmed anyone? yes
9. am I willing to make amends? yes I did already
10. will I continue to do this and if I dont, admit it? yeh ok!!
11. will I continue to seek out gods will in all areas and the power to carry it out? yes
12. Now I know how it works, will I pass it on, and practice these principles on all my difficulties in all my affairs? yes

I still have no desire... hmm when i was writing that I suddenly realised I am starting to have the desire to get in to work for 9am, cos I am theres abit of me that is wanting it and its growing. I am still praying twice a day for the willingness to change my attitude to 9am starts by the way. Both Monday and Today 9am starts!

There is no way anyone is going to convince me that praying doesnt work or there is no God!

The gifts of sobriety
progress not perfection

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Welcome back - Go say hello to...

Go say hello to Sui

Her honesty reminds me
that for many people
a drunk after a period of sobriety
doesnt just happen in a click of a finger
it happens over a period of time
of letting up on the suggestions
letting up on those same suggestions
that led us away from that first drink
and helped us to develop that
essential mental defense against the first drink

When I am feeling restless irritable and discontented
the problem is in me
do I have a checklist of what I need to be doing? Yes
Is there anything I am not doing? Yes
Well just do it then , without sulking..
If I dont know what to do
I ask someone that knows me better
if its about my head - that person is usually a Sponsor!
mine or someone elses!!

Thank you for your share
and stopping by
Welcome back :)

Keep coming back
We are ALL worth it

Friday, April 25, 2008

Don't quit before the miracle

The module I am not clear about
had a really suprising twist last night

20% is on seminar participation
most of the marked seminars
I was completely wiped out
in the early weeks
in fear
going through the motions
one week
feeling the f*ckit button heavy
had answered I dont know
without even trying
i really couldnt be ass'd
exhausted mentally and physically
the rest of the time
I have done my best and turned up
even when I haven been able to do
all that was asked of me
I have tried
anylengths on any given day!!

marked 95% for seminar participation
hows that for encouragement
the "f*ckit" seminar
did not lose me 5%
it was the lowest and wasnt taken into account
I really have no idea how it works
and its probably a good idea that I dont
my marks got higher as the weeks went on

More evidence
put in the footwork let go of the outcome
anylengths is anylengths
it is not perfection
its anylength

They said keep turning up
do the work we set
if you havent done the work
turn up anyway

So I have and do

ok 3-4 weeks remaining
head down
no looking up
no listening to fear
no resting on laurels
no taking things too seriously
no doing anything destructive
listen to the instructions
and just f*ckin do it

and I did another
9am start
thats 3 this week
progress and a miracle at the same time!
ok i'm off to home group
have a fabulous weekend!

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Its all becoming clearer - more about study

one of the modules
seems to be fitting into place
buying a voice recorder
was the best buy
along with a bigger ipod
in the last 6 months or so
thanks y'awl fecker!

LISTENING how it all works
over and over
writing it out
LISTENING to this new language
in fear
and now finally HEARING the process
the stucture to follow
and the principles to apply
praise the Lord
i am hearing it spoken by others I trust
those that know better than me
who I understand now to be very imperfect
who get certain things very wrong
but who are definitly
guiding me in the right direction
I am now following their directions
learning how to structure a sentence
!? in English
how these words fit together
sound basic English stuff
but for me its a skill I am learning
painstakingly... its true
word by word
and how to reason it all
test it all out
no guess work
results based, evidence based
stick with the winners
in the broadest sense of the word
working out who my teachers are
in front of me
and past and present
yeh man
bring it on
i am getting excited again!
on one module
all sounds very familiar "rules/suggestions"
I learned in AA and the final suggestion
practice the principles in all your affairs

One module of two seems to be
coming clearer

the other is still a mare..
its ALL exactly how its meant to be
its not over YET
if it all became clear at the same time
i THINK i MAY DIE OF SHOCK and cynicism
and I wouldnt believe it was truly clear
moi the eternal doubter

We had to register next years modules
this week, I thought i had done it wrong
contact the correct person
and was told to STOP WORRYING
are you suprised?

If you are approaching end of semester
Good luck, stop thinking now just 'uckin do it
follow the process
apparantly the words are all in there (ones head)
God will get them out in the right order
if i/we let him

still praying for a change in attitude to
9am start. 9.15am today
however I did notice
my chains were nothing to do with
the imaginary gestapo protecting the world
but tiredness from being up very late
doing homework

hmmm is this yet another
old idea I am going to have to let go of
for lack of evidence based
on from now onwards?
have I chaned without realising it?
could be...

praying anyway

Footballs off for me tomorrow
to many dropped out...
have to say
this week I am relieved
only as I am lacking in energy
self inflicted non gym attendance
for a while now
I actually am looking forward to
getting back down there and
picking up where I have let my self go
firming up what was once firm or firming up
prioritizing physical appearance
a little higher than I have been
internal and external nourishment
looking forward to all that
again :)

The lights are coming on
and I am at home
sanity restoring
who knows for how long
I am enjoying having it
for today

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

I wish I had self restraint on blogging

when I get the cahnce I do it
when I dont have it
it isnt so bad

Finally had a chat with guy at work
regarding AA
simple chat
gave him newcomer pack and meeting directory

said my boss who is also his boss
is very supportive and understanding
when I told her about AA and alcoholism
as I understand it in me

said I would be happy to with him
to a meeting if he needed
and would recommend some if needed to

Also made it clear that the decision
now is his
I will not push it
not because I dont care
simply because its now up to him

said to AA is not the only resource
for alcoholism, but its the only one
which I have found made sense
and made any lasting difference to me

also suggested he try a few meetings
and not judge AA on one meeting
and go perhaps not thinking he is an alky
simply to speak with those who
know they are and see what happens
after a reasonable period of time
he may find he is or may find he isnt

either way he will have made a few friends
and have a found a resource he may end up
recommending to some one else
even if he doesnt find us useful himself

he seemed ok with all that
even looked in the directory
and pointed out to me a local meeting to him

Time to let go now
remember my primary purpose at work
is to support the people I am paid to support
I am no-ones pysch, trainer, manager or life coach...
keep it simple

I still have no desire to arrive on time at 9am to work
I did arrive at work at 8.55am today
I will continue to pray for
the willingness to have my
attitude towards 9am starts changed

Football may be off
some ladies dropped out
not sure yet
its all getting a bit political!?

Studying is really hard
I have no confidence in my understanding
I feel like I haven't got this semester atall
and am feeling really odd
and afraid, though not terrified
I am willing to accept a fail
though I am afraid of how I will react
more faith
less projecting
get on with studying in the present
its really random dude!

study as you can
not as you cant!

Friend who is sick
Thinking of her often
not sure what i am to do
carry on as I am
and wait and let go
not in a victim or defeatest way
without thinking the worst or full of hope
just let go and remain balanced
neutral, in the middle ground
as much as possible
and get on with whats in front of me
instead of what isnt
this is not entirely what I want to do
but it seems its what I need to do
I dont know what I dont know
this is a new experience
and it seems there are no rules
Its all unfamiliar
She has that Jesus fella
Sponsor, a heap of experts
lots of experience
in life
all i know to do is
wait patiently
not easy though
Love her in my thoughts and prayers
and on my blog
so I am
and thanks to you, I refuse to ever watch
walking with dinosaurs again
I have been traumatised for life!!
and no I wont pray for them!
But this is for you...

I am Lovin' the spring warmth
we are being graced with
Thank you God

Monday, April 21, 2008

Never underestimate the power of prayer...

I have prayed the last few days
for the willingness to change my attitude
to 9am starts... thats all

I went to bed last night around 1am
I woke up around 5am...
Restless, irritable about being awake
Layed there and wondered what was going on!

Of course if I only have 4 hours sleep
the day will be not be easy will it?
Who says? How do I know?
Why don't you go to an early meeting

seeing as you are awake..
wake up in the meeting

I layed in bed thinking
why am I laying in bed thinking
this sounds like a good idea
infact it makes perfect sense

So I did
I got to the station
2 hours earlier than I usually do
this felt really weird
I couldnt work out
why 2 hours?
whe I was on my way to an hour meeting
how would that work?
well because I am normally about 1/2 late for work
for a start

Arrived at the meeting
scared... why?
Its like a small victory
the anticipation whats it like
the mythical morning meetings
which have been so out of reach
for 4.5 years
Today I got there early

Heard some amazing shares
exactly what I needed to hear
good cuppa tea
a laugh
and some real grounding stuff
start the day of with likeminded people
collected a newcomers phone number
And got in to work at 8.45am

Its not rocket science is it?

Although I was scared to go into work
what will they say, think of me?
thats me "the great me"
felt like hanging around til nearer 9am
so they didnt get apiece of me
insane or what!!!
like I was being thrown to the wolves
FEAR really is so destructive to progress

Anyway I didnt listen to it...
This morning I listened to God
Thought as little as possible
and kept doing the next right thing
which God kept putting in my head

First thought after getting in the building
Well i've done it now
NO see this is where many people inc myself
fall down
Its about continue and improve
Yeh i've done my once a week
but my ideal is most or even everyday

So I will continue to pray twice a day
for the willingness to change my attitude
to 9am starts
for the reminder of the 2 weeks

and see what happens

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Some things I heard in meetings - Pass it on

Nothing changes if nothing changes

The desire to drink has been lifted
I still have the desire to change the way I feel

It works if you work it
It doesn't if you don't

Keep coming back

Give it away to keep it

Friday, April 18, 2008

Working with others - Helps me

I have exhausted all ideas
I am exhausted
with someone
they are not even trying
no desire to change
time to let go
Let God

I have learned alot
Regarding my own
specifically around this
9am stuff
nothing I dont know already

waiting for the magic wand
to whisk me out of bed
and to work
with all the necessaries done in between
without me actually doing anything

No that fantasy will NEVER happen
not in a million years

It actually matters
if I turn up on time

Practically it makes sense to
practice being punctual
here rather than waiting til
i really need to learn in a future job
at some point there will be a job I am well
qualified for
which I wont go for or I will get and lose
as a direct result of my punctuality

now thats sad

Until AA I didnt manage 1 month continuous sobriety
in 20 years of drinking
and now I have 4.5 years

Until now I have not managed 1 months continuous
arriving on time at school or work
in 30 years

Do I have an honest desire to change or be changed?
Old behaviour waits til my back against the wall
and then fight and scream and drama queen it
AA has taught me to behave more responsibly
Is it in step 6 or 7
where we become more pressured to do the right thing
yeh here it is!

I didnt answer the question
Do I have an honest desire to change or be changed?
No, therefore I wont change

Whats the solution then?
Live with it and all its future consequences
and let this same old discussion
keep rearing its head over and over


pray for the willingness to change
my attitude towards getting in at 9am
Not ask to be in for 9am
which is making a demand of God
which is not handing over
To ask for my attitude to be changed is

Ok heres the plan
pray everyday for 2 weeks
for willingness
twice a day and through the day
and see what happens
its a start

Have a good weekend!

5 a side football

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Football - Me - Playing - hahahahahahahahaha

I have been asked to play
5 a side FOOTBALL
next week
inter work thing
some one pushed for a girls side

and guess what
i'm in

God you're really having a laugh!

What will I wear?

ok off to uni

Enjoying the sunny evening!!

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

I am not as miserable as I may sound!?

awareness really is a huge key
its true

today is better
the truth sets me free
admitting loneliness is freedom

I dont feel half as lonely
as I did a few days ago

Review at work
Highly effective again...
Also told
no need to fear a review
any development areas
would have been highlighted
or become apparant well before the review
so a review if we are being managed well
would hold no suprises
hence... there were no suprises

I am supersonic
at work

My head tells me so many lies

trust the process
put in the footwork
let go of the outcome
do my best on a daily basis

not slothful
not victim like
honest best
is enough

I am happy today

The truth is often
funnier than fiction
I make people laugh
just by telling the truth

personal objectives carried in my review
Get in at least once a week for 9am
How many times in the last 7 weeks
have I got in for 9am?
its true
yeh its not a business objective
its a personal one
so I have nothing to fear
except... my own big stick

Great hilarity in the office
Twice... It is progress
They dont realise just how much
progress that is
I find it all amusing
and also accepting this is
reality for me
Not taking myself seriously
in this are is ESSENTIAL
and I need to stop trying
I can laugh about it too!!

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

I can convince myself I have no friends - HALT Lonely - its a lie

And then I get proved wrong...
The thing about no internet at home
is that I can be glued to a screen
all day at work
and then all evening at home
and then in the spare moments
on email and blogg
how dull!!

johno's become a very dull girl

Techno breakthrough
I have now got a memory stick
and learned how to use it!
To transfer my work from home to work...
and back again... to email from work if necessary
freedom or what!
Small victories... get there in the end

I have now started calling people up in the evenings
rather than email or text
and arranging to go out..

all going in the right direction

have the underlying ansgt
I havent done enough
and resentments around
mix ups at uni
but whatever
I will learn from whatever the outcomes are

Quarterly review at work tomorrow
naturally preparing for the worst
and trying not to sabotage
to prove myself right
and deserving of rubbish review

Its sunny outside

I'm off!

Its all a lie
my head its all a lie

enjoying not having the internet at home
means I get more organised in the day

As for munchtime and early meetings
Its hard to justify a lunch meeting
when I havent got in on time
yet they are minutes away fom me!

still waking up in the mornings
and working hard
to get out of bed
and face the
False Evidence that Appears Real FEAR
that ties me to the bed each morning
and creates further fear
and wipes any good thats in my life
for quite a number of minutes/hours
which is rubbish
as I end up getting in at the same time most days
even with the invisible fight that goes on
and they dont even bat an eyelid
when I get in
its all in my head
the fight
the fear
the feelings
except its physical
and very tiring
and frustrating
and appears like laziness
and procrastination
and chronic self centredness
and selfishness
perhaps it is!

Now thats Insanity & Madness!
but its my truth
its how I am

The disease that centres in the mind
and I am the victim
Though I have no idea
what the future holds

Theres always a choice
still choosing the victim
still holding on to the corner of the towel?
I have no idea!

Another love interest this week
I am told its healthy to explore options
go and explore, ask him out for coffee
I feel flakey
a crush here and a crush there
yeh even married and met the parents in my head last night
it went well by the way
really good wedding and the parents are lovely
he's nice too
but then theres all the stuff inbetween
isnt there

well thats all you got the jist of it
i'm REALLY off this time

enjoy the evening sun
or whatever you have when you read this

Monday, April 14, 2008

Now I know Gods Will for me - First Things First - HALT Lonely

It was suggested on more than one occasion
to stop blogging for a while
certainly when
it gets in the way of step 10's
I get confused
and spend time thinking about blogging
when energies could be better spent thinking about study
I know its a good suggestion

But as you see I havent
or should I say I cant...
I try and then start up again
Powerless... and not completely willing
to let go absolutely

As you know I truly believe
when I dont do Gods Will
he makes me
and I am fine with that

Hence from last Thursday
my internet connection
has gone wrong at home

I want to fix it
but again... do I need it?
and why?
a dishonest fix

For now
my blogging will take a back seat

What else am I putting in front of?

First Things First
They said at the beginning
everything you put in front of your recovery
will be taken away from you

its true!

I realised on Friday
Exactly how tired I am
People can go out when they feel like I do
have a few drinks
get drunk even
smoke a cigarette
take a few drugs
smoke some stuff
have sex
watch some porn
self harm even
apparantly its seems! without impunity

me, its not an option
well it is, but I choose not to
I have to sit with my feelings
being a student
and keeping on
is God damn hard

I am really lonely
Went to a meeting where no one knew me
and it felt a freedom
for no-one to know me, me the miracle!
me the student
me reliable etc
I was just another AA
I didnt try hard
I didnt share
I just listened
Listened with humble and lonely ears
spoke with a new woman after
about recovery, AA and some experience
took a phone number
and called her again Sunday
someone at the meeting asked me if I was new
I have missed this
Early recovery stuff

call up or speak with a newcomer
ask them how they are
Go to a meeting
Tell someone
Loneliness is not just for old people


Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Doubts - Self will - no Its Gods Will - More gratitude - Remember where you came from! And what a miracle today truly is!

this ones about me!
and about me!
and more about me!

I tend to be grateful everyday
for my life today is so much different
even in the darkness and sadness and fear
I have felt recently
I am still grateful and know
its how its meant to be
yeh there is always something I could have done
but I didnt and couldnt so havent
so it was how it was
yesterday is passed

Study is hard
its harder when the teachers cock up
and do not work together
I get resentments
and my rebellion kicks in
and I sulk and well f@ck it then appears
and then I fight it and read regardless
even when i think its not going in
turning up and trying
even when i'm getting really bad marks!
just like the majority!

tonight they say yeh its all going to be taken care of
I still doubt! and think whats the point...

I cant do what they ask of me
for when they ask of it
yet I dont know why not
and I am not asking a question
just saying how it is
Never seems to be enough hours
and then I think what the hell do I do with all my hours
What? Think

Someone said I had a David Platt look tonight!
Which is rather apt considering what
we are studying at the moment...
and yeh if looks could kill
i am walking round with rather a serious face on
and then the lecturer made us laugh...
someone asked if I should be put on suicide watch?
see... right now I feel ok, just taking it seriously
a few weeks ago, I put myself on suicide watch!
infact I was watching myself
noticing the madness etc
its just how it is at times

I took the train home
Standing on Blackfriars platform
which is a bridge over The River Thames
and did a 360 degree turn
Its a clear night
half moon
"Fresh" London air
Moonlight in the water
and the blues and pinks and white and yellow
of Londons lights along the Thames
360 degrees
St Pauls Cathedral
The Gherkin Swiss re Tower
Tower of london
Tower Bridge
Tate Modern
OXO Tower
London Eye
Trees all lit up along the South Bank
Waterloo Bridge
Somerset House
And there I was stood on this platform
in the middle of all this
realising that I am living a dream
20ish years ago
I could only dream of living here
working here
and now studying here
all at the same time
and passing for normal
in all areas
most of the time
normal = humanlike imperfect
mostly acceptable and appropriate
whatever the circumstances
socially skilled sufficiently
loveable without hostage taking
with a sense of humour
and a cheek that would put a monkey to shame at times
and a strong sense of direction
even in the darkness
the door is always there somewhere
even though I get called
nuts or whatever sometimes
I get called upon by the same people
for reassurance at times
I dont care anymore
I am blessed to stand on that bridge
be on my way home
from a productive day at work
and an attempt at a subject
thats frickin mindblowing!
and be regarded by my peers
as a winner!?
arrogance - I have to high standards
and I beat myself into a shameful
condition with it.
Its not Good Johno

Its all good really isnt it
We are doing alright!

Amazing Grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost but now I am found
Was blind but now I see

just sometimes I
need to remind myself
to stop being an ungrateful git
somepeople like I used to
really would
kill for the days I LIVE today

Feeling slothful
and self willed
I need to be careful
sulking is not good
neither is trying to hard

Spending alot of time
feeling like a fights going on
in my head
all this new stuff
its all like clashing around in there
in my head

Whatever... rambling late night thoughts
just getting it out

Blindly goinging where no man
has gone before... haha
Good night

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Light of the World .... step down into darkness

Light of The World

Thank you for praying
Step 3 is where I must be at the moment
no fixing, analysing
acceptance is the answer
and living and loving in the present moment
because the present moment is all we have
handing it over
turning it over
to the care
of God as she understands Him

Jesus, we never had a conversation
before I dont think
but you know
I am nowadays accepting of your existance
and know your Spirit does live on
I see how you work in her
how you work in my sponsor
how through them you have.. do work in me
God your Love is the Greatest Love of All
Love her as I can not
Take care of her as I can not
Wrap your arms around her this evening
and hold her still and calm and gentle
dont leave her for a second!
and send your Father round my house
and round everyone that knows her's house
I am sure I am not the only one
that could do with a Big Handed Cuddle

I will continue to
love her as I can
not as I cant

Buddy love Rocks!
Fellowship Love Rocks!
Gods Love Rocks!

Letting Go Letting God

This and yesterdays prayers
and todays
are for you Whizzkid
sleep well
Love ya

Tim Hughes
Light of the World

Monday, April 07, 2008

A good day and Please Pray for a friend of mine

I had a good day...
got up early
did the necessary
that most people do in the morning
apparantly without effort
Got to work at 9.05am!

Good day
ate drank tea and water
no-one needed any suggestions!
the "alky" is now cured it seems
drinking normally
an AA called me up struggling though
see one door closes another one opens

left just after 5
studied on way home
and now will eat
do some more
do some step 10's
watch some tv
and bed

I am grateful!! for the ordinary

Please pray
for a friend of mine
She has cancer
and is having a VERY rough time at the moment
her faith and courage
are astounding
anylengths on any given day
inspite of everything
she is doing her step work
and practicing the principles
doing the next right thing
VERY sober and VERY living!
she is a lighthouse to many
Gods own technological whizzkid
I love her
please remember her in your prayers

God bless her with Love, Peace
Faith and continued strength
to carry out Your will for her

thank you

Sunday, April 06, 2008

More about Studying

How many people do I know
who have been "ill" for ages?
Now I am not "ill"
I can see there are loads

Having conversations with others
we all go through the same stuff
its no coincidence at Easter we
get almost 3 weeks break from lectures
and 3 people I talked to
say they "would not pick up study books"
me included
Its not possible to force this thing!
you have to wait til the rebellion passes
even if its 24 hours before the assessment
well so be it

I dont think I will ever understand this thing
Just have to run with it
stop fighting

study as you can
not as you cant

reading constructively at the moment
reading and recprding at the same time
and then transferring it to ipod
much as I am squeamish about
the sound of my own voice played back
getting over myself!

There is only so much reading a girl can do
over and over
so... reading it out loud once
and recording at the same time
then its done!
creating an MP3 library
yet another way of learning
that seems to be working
at the moment

Ok i've flitted on facebook
been out shopping
told a couple of people I love them
and blogged
gonna eat
and back to it!

Friday, April 04, 2008

Tagged - Heres a start & Today

laughed loads
was asked what I was on!
enjoying again
enjoying the lighter mornings and nights
enjoying the warmth

What I was doing:

10 years ago – 1998 cant remember a thing. I was working and in a relationship. Apart from that I know no specifics.

5 years ago—Working. Just breaking up from the aforesaid relationship. Spiralling downwards reverting to the drinking habits of my teenage years. Starting to lose my grip. I was recovering from falling down a concrete staircase headfirst and planning to go to Cyprus, without visiting the hospital to get checked out. Sensible!

1 year ago— Just checked my blog… doing my step 9’s

Yesterday—bathed, ate, worked, studied

5 snacks I enjoy
1) Walkers Crisps
2) kit-kats
3) caramac
4) Krispy Kreme donuts
5) Egg custards

What I would do with 100 million pounds
1) Ask God
2) Employ a cook and a cleaner
3) Have a house by the sea, with a housekeeper and let you stay there when I wasn’t
4) give loads of it away where its needed
5) not hang on to it, wouldn’t cope well with useless excess long term
6) visit all the places I’d love to visit
7) see who or what comes up when I have got 100mil
8) Eat all the snacks I enjoy

5 places I'd love to visit
1) New York
2) Grand Canyon
3) Ayres Rock
4) Lake Como
5) Maldives

Pet Peeves
1) nose excavating on the train
2) smoking on the pavements outside workplaces
3) snorting and spitting
4) financial institutions making money out of people through ignorance because they can!
5) dirty floors on public transport
6) MRSA virus

part two another time
not good at remembering on the spot!

Harry Chapin Cats in the Cradle

people are gifts
they come and they go
friends and family and colleagues everyone
all like waves
coming and going
back into the stream of life
make that call
kick that ball
tell that person you love them
send that card
make time
make it happen
take action
Do not delay

Have a good weekend

Thursday, April 03, 2008

its all ok again? yeh seems it... and relax! sky didnt fall in

I can see how crimes are committed
and do people do things
when their thinking is driven
by "hormones" "defects" HALT

If I had lstened to my head
and acted out on it
in the last few months
I would be jobless
barked at my dad
in prison
on prozac or something like

Think Think Think
beware of the first thought
wait for the second
and sometimes a 3rd is an even better one
Eventually! it becomes clear whats
Self Will and whats Gods Will
though not always
which is what sponsors, other peoples sponsors
other AA's
other teachers
reliable people in certain areas
help with
oh yeh and then theres my own experience
when I remember or choose to listen to!

What used to be the hunch or the occasional inspiration gradually becomes a working part of the mind. Being still inexperienced and having just made conscious contact with God, it is not probable that we are going to be inspired at all times. We might pay for this presumption in all sorts of absurd actions and ideas. Nevertheless, we find that our thinking will, as time passes, be more and more on the plane of inspiration. We come to rely upon it. P87

Even if everything seems VERY dark
its not
just cloudy
clouds pass
Sun always comes out eventually
Its true. ask the flowers!

I dont get this
I have stressed for 6 weeks
not taken anything in
sat in lectures and seminars
thinking what are you on about?
doing the work and getting most of it wrong
nearly packed it all in
done my lousy best reading when I wasnt sulking
considered (momentarily) about ending it all
thats 24hours before the assessments
sat and summarised
yesterday I got 8/10 for assessment
today I wrote shed loads and referenced aswell
dont know the mark yet
mostly suprised
that I think I have to remember everything
but its not true
Read the question
break it down
keep it simple
Evidence each bit
Then look at it from a completely different angle
and do it all again
There are no wrongs

I have no idea
even when It seems I am not getting anywhere
even when it seems that I will never get anyway
even when it seems I am not following instructions
the results speak for themselves

Humbled once again
Put in the footwork
Let Go of the outcome
Let Go Let God

Do what you can not what you cant
on any given day
its enough!

Whats the chance of me remembering this
by next week when the next two assessments due?
Bob hope and no hope!


Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Sky Blue and Black

When something stops working
letting Go
with love
things change
things need to be washed
as they were no longer working in their
current form or had ran out of steam
and required a review assets/liability
sometimes a period of abstainence
to assess, with and without
whats real and unreal
true and untrue
let go absolutely
and let love in

I love this - Sky Blue and Black
This is a beautiful song
Jackson Browne

Things change
I change
you change
we change
it changes
letting go of whats not working
and allowing what is to grow
in its uniqueness
in its time
day by day

Ocean and the wind
make the waves together
(along with other forces)
the waves spread out and disapear
where? and then return to the ocean
the rivers lead to the ocean
good and rubbish is all welcomed by the ocean
it gathers it all
and does something with it
its huge, really huge
and necessary
and beautiful
and at times appears angry and destructive
we are powerless over its actions
we can use science, physics create barriers
to "prevent" floods
we can have monitoring of tidal movement
to evacuate in the even of tsunami
we can
do we really know the ocean?
do we really know the forces of nature?
and even when we do see the signs
do we listen?
do we take action?
or do we delay?
thinking it will not be as bad as we think it will be?
Do we rely on science too much?
and saving money and pride
rather than a more lives
What is the price of a life?
Who has the right to make the choice or control who lives?
Do I? Do I really have a choice or any control?
When my time will be?
Do you?

What with our ultra-modern standards, our scientific approach to everything, we are perhaps not well equipped to apply the powers of good that lie outside our synthetic knowledge. Doctors Opinion Big Book xxv


ps eyelashes, naturally fair verging on transparent!
now, blue/black a perfect frame for my eyes
I feel good
I get compliments after...
10 minute job
10 minutes of lying down eyes shut
breathing meditation to relaxing music aswell
win win win win

some guy I havent seen for ages
visited the office today
unfamiliar feeling stirred in me!
haven't had that for a long while!!!!!!!!!
he remembered me from ages ago
wasnt sure where
or my name
and likewise
I knew his face
a little older
couldnt remember who or where from
now I do
and then
we took a lift together...
laughed and caught up
and went our own ways
little things sent to make us smile

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Todays lighter - even laughed!

I really try to lighten up!
yesterday was a complete struggle
restraint of tongue gave in at about 4.30
and me and boss both through overdoing it
and neither of us sleeping
barked at each other...
she stated the bleeding obvious!
and I just wanted to punch her...

This morning I apologised for barking
I could see she was just trying to help
me I havent accepted still that I am human
and no-one else I or she or anyone else I know
does what I do... thats because we are not clones
I am unique haha

We spent the day friends
and hugged at the end arrr... seriously this is how it is
I am blessed really
Like she says its swings and roundabouts
except I am not usually the one
barking, crying and needing some slack for long periods!

She's still well impressed with me
even if I am not
see my standards are far too high
hers are fine as they are

I have heard far to often in the last 3 months
do you think your being to hard on yourself?
Take it easy
You have a lot on
you have a LOT on
I couldnt do all what you do
I dont know how you do it all
Go home and have an early night

Now I see its not all possible
long term
and I actually dont want to be like that
i'm changing and being changed

I have been trying to hard
and trying too hard to slow down
and now I have stopped
my diary wiped off my phone a week ago
and I lost my outlook
thats 3 years emails and calender and contacts
and I just smiled and accepted
either that or i'm in shock and dont know it
you could call it operator error
I prefer to call it
A VERY BIG sign from God and his Special agents

That if you arent gonna listen AND QUIT everything
and trust me
I am gonna do it for you
God does for me what I wont do for myself!

A couple of offers to retrieve the outlook
But I feel its just another thing I have become attached too
Like the phone diary
Its made me now, or is that enabled me now to
Live in the day
each day

I even wrote, thats hand wrote
a couple of letters in cards to people
stuck stamps on and posted them
now thats far cooler than email!

If I forget birthdays and other stuff
well so be it
I have to let go absolutely
I have cancelled everything I can remember until June 14th
Thats everything

1 service commitment (every 8 weeks)
Home group
12 step calls (which are God sent)

I will sleep when I am tired
and work when I am awake
I never thought of taking a nap after work
and getting up again and studying
before bed
until today

two Special agents in the workplace in a week have said
"you eat more sweet stuff since you started the veggie thing"
and "course your going to be off, you changed your diet"
letting go of the meat or should I say KFC's was needed
With the fish it was a choice and I have learned alot since January 1st
3 months off meat and fish
I had some fish last night and today
doesnt feel a failure
it feels like the right thing to do
my diet was not that bad
I have felt hungry lots and lots recently
and ate more sugary stuff compensating

I am less hungry today
less time spent trying to work out what to
eat and get a balance
its tiring, energy I need elsewhere at the moment
Eating sustainable farmed fish
which is in keeping with how I feel about
the way its killed
until I am able to maintain a healthy
vegetarian lifestyle I will continue with fish

KFC's chicken and meat... are off limits
I have no desire and after 3-4 months off
I am now aware of what drives the need to KFC
its lack of regular meals and being hungry H.A.L.T
and sloth!

Listening - Doing the next right thing
see i'm listening and taking steps
letting go and then bringing back in whats Good
and then letting go again

made calls about teachers..
will call til I get through
continuing to listen for the moment
no more commitments until after june 14th
yes exams/assessments yes two this week!
yes looney tunes, premental, examental
yes yes YES!!!!!!
flippin' old timers! ;)
God bless fellow students!

oceans and waves
waves are part of the ocean
they come and go from the ocean and back to the ocean
leaving on the beach whats not required
at the right time
I read that in this book I think?!

awareness is cool
letting go - feeling lighter
had my eyelashes tinted on the way home
eyes feeling alive again
laughing muscles working well today

I love you guys

ps. that diary note to keep an eye on my pmt...
it disappeared 2 a couple of week ends ago didnt it!
powerless DOH!