keeping on

Its all abit different these days
A new freedom has come upon me
In the last month or so
another layer off the onion

God has led me into the desert
And the temptations have been upon me
The Spiritual Tool kit works
in extreme's

I've been to the edge
and there was no drink to be seen
no drink to get drunk on
just the edge and two choices

which is the most dangerous
at the edge with no drink
or at the edge with a drink to get drunk on
three choices

unfamiliar territory
in God land
had now become familiar
time to enjoy

relationships
its all about
relationships
communication
understanding

and hills
which hills to climb
which hills to climb and knowingly be slain on
which to climb in search of the promised land

Sober and grateful
time to find and maintain
the gratitude
smile and enjoy life

I can not be as serious as
2014/2015
bring back the uncontrollable laughter
in amongst lifes challenges

Half alive is not an option any more
Right size the fire extinguishers
Keep on asking, waiting, listening and doing
Just 'kin do it

Working with others... Quietens obsessions...

Take out the word sex
Replace with whatever
Yer obsession is at the moment...
Whatever requires self restraint against
And Power from something greater
Than my yourself

To sum up about sex:
We earnestly pray for the right ideal,
for guidance in each questionable situation,
for sanity, and for the strength
to do the right thing.
If sex is very troublesome,
we throw ourselves the harder
into helping others.
We think of their needs
and work for them.
This takes us out of ourselves.
It quiets the imperious urge,
when to yield would mean heartache.

P70

So working with others
Along with praying
For it to be lifted
simply be the
Answer to my current
Obsession
Fancied or real
Which alone i am unable
To resolve
Practice these principles
In all my affairs... Life areas
step 12

Day at a time
Analysis paralysis

In the Spirit of Service

I was reminded today

When I do chairs - I carry a message
When I write songs - I carry a message
When I do a sermon - I carry a message
When I walk out the door - I carry a message
When I speak to someone - I carry a message

The outcome is none of my business

If I am doing it in the spririt of service
to HP God as I understand Him

The outcome is none of my business

I hear what I need to hear
You hear what you need to hear

Like reading the big book
Like reading the Bible
Like reading someones Blog
Like watching reruns of Friends

Each time you re read - rewatch
I hear something different maybe
On any given day
It speaks differently to me

When you offer me a suggestion
depending on my mood when I hear it
affects the way I receive it

Give it me again tomorrow
I may receive it differently

You give the saem suggestion
to someone else
they may receive it completely differently
they may apply it immediately
they may pass it on to someone else
they may remember it for another time

Carry the message
not the alcoholic

Give it away to keep it
whatever it is you have been freely given
in the spirit of service

then
Let Go and Let God

:)

72 Hours after - racing round the the hole in the sand

Am telling you
there are no coincidences
why people are put in our paths
I feel so blessed at times
completely humbled and ungrateful
because I overlook
how much I have been helped
and how much better it is
to be honest
not vague

the hole in the sand
I have been racing round
I realise I have been protecting
the part of me that was crushed
and disabled at an early age
to such an extent that it
never stood a chance
it had no choice
I just bin protecting
guarding
building a fortress round it
and hoping for a miracle
waiting for my love to find
the soul it can be free with

Spending time recently with
special needs people has given me
an insight into how amazing
joyeous and loved and accepted
yeh a challenge at times aswell
I am sure

Special needs are
there are parts of us
human race and us ourselves

Special needs require
time, patience, love
nurturing, space, support
strength, awareness
listening,
we need other feedback to guide us
above in italics are not my words
but it really hit home

I feel upset when I see someone
being treated less than
protected, unable to try
miss opportunities
be treated differently
so why to I inflict all this
on a part of me that is special needs?
perhaps because I had no idea
that I was until today

Happy joyeous & free?
hmm not for this special needs part of me
Freedom would be finding out
asking for the truth
if the chemistry set appears to be out
and then exploring what unfolded
dealing with it piece by piece
regardless of whether
I read it right or wrong
not sitting wondrin
if this part of me will ever
know how freedom feels

Today I saw face to face
that I shut down
I dont wont explore
intimacy or what appears to be
intimacy when its not clear
whether its real or fiction
and I wont find out
through fear of getting vulnerable
rejected, abandoned
I have no idea how to
yet I did today
exploring a situation
rather clumsily though honestly
with an extremely patient saint
who I feel I tried the patience of!
came to see what i do/did/am doing
will not ask for clarity
fear of rejection
ego puncture
abandonment
so I just carry on
not knowing the truth and wondrin
and this disabled part of me
kind of waves, gagged up
shrugs and goes back to sleep again
feeling lost and ignored
unworthy and unable

what happened to my faith in
Keep on the firing line of life with
these motives and God will keep you unharmed P102
well I just never applied it to this
because I didnt know was my problem was

Am tellin you
I am knackered
didnt do much work today
as mind elsewhere
in virtual counselling session
in and out of tears
clumsily picking through
honestly and carefully
feeling gratitude to my mate!
yet fearful now, I got so raw

yet on the way home
I stopped off and spoke with
a friend I needed to clarity
on some comments he had made
which I needed to know the truth about
as our friendship could change
depending on what he meant
I went and asked him
he told me
and I pray
this is how its done
he was glad I had asked
I was glad I could ask
I was glad I could open up
get raw, vulnerable
and get it wrong :-D
wrong as in not the outcome
my loneliness part of me wanted
yet right in the where we are now
because it could really
have complicated everything
then I would have had to learn
how to have a relationsip!!!!
awwwwww noooo not yet.... ;D

practice practice
get into the habit of asking
I dont want to live not knowing
I want honest relationships
not blurry edges
I want to accept people as they are
and be accepted
that doesnt mean I dont care attitude
that means most people I meet thesedays
and I include myself in this
are at various stages of
problems
recovery
change
maintenence
enjoyment
in all walks of life
so I guess it means
getting real and open to grow
letting other get real
and somehow fitting in together
i dunno

Gone through varous extremes this week
including I dont want live anymore...
which indicates I reached a turning point

I am grateful to my teacher, listener
helper, guide, friend, spirit, God
who each helped

whats tomorrow?
I dunno, I am afraid tho... !

Its true service keeps you sober sane and serene :)

Just done another session
with youth group at church
8-13 year olds
not sure how old the little guys are
but we are settling in fine

much laughter and getting to know names
and playing together
table football
mini table tennis
cards
throwing soft ball arond
indoor skittles
pool

mispent youth has payed off
yet eyesight and reflexes not whatbthy were

much laughter

we have a couple of retired women too
one had never played table football
in her life... Until tonight :)
she even managed to dig me in the
kidneys with her goalie haha!!
Such lengths people go to to win ;)

renaming tuesday eve's 7-8 happy hour
i have never worked with kids
an hour is enough for now
its simple relationship building
i love the opportunities i have been given
doors open

i have said before
i am lucky to be alive
i am lucky to ha e been given the tools
which work on my mental spiritual health
if i died tomorrow (which i dont plan too)
i have had an amazing 6.75 years
no i am not being morbid
i just feel like i have worked hard
surrended
and chose to comply with
a life of service
and its brought me joy
even in the face of advsersity
i feel really blessed
i want to do more
i want to grow old
i want to be a witness to
what God can do
i want to live to be 120 :D

a design for living
even in rough going

Step 11 - Be quick to see where religious people are right. Make use of what they offer. p87

I "was too judgemental
scared and self willed
to really be open minded"

since going through the steps
I have come to believe in a Loving God
who wants the best for me
which really turned things around

however living as a human
living in the world
not in a bubble/meetings/convent/own head
long term
I need more than a Spirit

I need a role model
which is where I let go of old ideas
let go of judgment
let go of self will
became openminded
and no longer afraid
of turning my life over
and my will
becoming part of
showing all of me
standing up
RECOVERY

I have a role model
and I am building a relationship
with Him
apparantly it can last forever
and I will never be let down

so I am giving Him ago
testing Him

Reading praying and in fellowship
having fun, playing guitar
beach antics
BBQs and bacon butties!
at the same time

its new
yet I need something
thats everlasting
and proven to help many
and there is no reason
why He shouldnt work for me aswell
as I am working for Him

where i found Him
bizarrely
on the edge of the world
in an on the edge church
worldwide known for social action
welcomes alkys and addicts
unceremoniously
SERVICE

my kind a Home
my kind of family
my kind of imperfect
loving friends
with a Loving God
as we understand him
Unity

Keep coming back
til it stops working :)

Rest of week has been ordinary... and something about Fear - is it/does it/ hold you back?

hence little posting!
I did have a conversation with
a good friend about fear which prevents change
and how I am getting...
better
more practiced
skilfull
about not letting fear hold me back for so long..
and how I have learned how to become
willing to change and be changed
and become
better
more practiced
skilfull
about embracing change
although when "seemingly" forced upon me
I reacted badly.. like tuesday
progress not perfection!

anyway here's what I wrote Sept 11th
about fear
everyone "suffers" from it
but do we recognise its
guises and symptoms
theres a ton of links in this post

there is a reason why the phrase
"crippled by fear" is still used
because it still does

Fear is also a natural part of
change...

its my experiences
of all the following
and questions and answers
I have asked myself or been asked
and answered
I am, was, will be all of this
Human stuff

Why are there so many unfulfilled ambitions?
dreams
fantasies
Angry people who..
would of been
could of been
should of been
if only
waiting for the mythical magic wand
someone else to give the leg up
waiting for it to happen
I will
I may
tomorrow
Cant
wont
dont
knocking the people who have

Or I will try and change everything around me thats
fine in my life, because I am too afraid to try
and change the thing thats not

I want this thing now
but I am not prepared to
try and do something about it
because I dont know
how it will be
I need to know it will work before I will do it
..Fear

I also want this thing BUT
Long terms I wont save regularly
attend every session on the course
read and follow the instructions
take the medication exactly prescribed TIL ITS FINISHED
do the excersize regularly over a period of time
stop eating the crap over a period of time
..could be lazy, sloth or beneath that fear of success
buy that thing I deserve, pass the exam, get well, look good, feel better



Fear of failure?
what about fear of success?
that your dreams could become a reality?

Its made me THINK back! Doh!
How I spent far to many years sat
around
dreaming about what I would become someday
I was in the wrong job, house, relationship, clothes, body
and wouldnt it be fantastic if
and how much untapped potential there was in me
if only they knew...
they being... the world...

yet I did nothing about it! just thought about it
...for years
I knew what I wanted
dreamed it, visioned it
and decided it was never gonna happen
all within a minute or so

I will never stop dreaming
its where my life eveolves from
some of my dreams started out as your dreams
and have become my dream
some of my dreams I am not capable of YET
but many of my dreams I now find
remained out of reach
through me not taking a risk in trying
fear of it being too hard...
that I wouldnt like it
that I would have wasted my time
Fear of what you would think of me
and one I thrived on
no small northernish munky like me could possibly do that!
See how wrong I am

now I am living many of my dreams
see my dreams/life may appear ordinary to some
but to me its extraordinary

Fear does still hold me back short term
but it doesnt hold me back, prevent me moving forward
I havent got time to waste
and why do I need to?
I wasted so many years for so long
because I knew no different
Aswell I was afraid of success
like it was not something
I was worthy of or deserved?!
is this a british thing? or human?
does this come with age?
or what? who cares..! talk amongst yourselves

Simply Red - Holding back the years
"Chance for me to escape from all I know.
Holding back the tears.
Theres nothing here has grown.
Ive wasted all my tears,
Wasted all those years.
Nothing had the chance to be good"

You said great things would come to pass
and its true
dream up a desire
make a decision
then take steps
fearlessly, thoroughly and painstakingly

Nothings thats No Thing is impossible
Fear must not be a problem
nor money
nor people
nor pride
if you notice you are holding on (to fear)
let go!

and.. Dont stop telling me your dreams and ambitions
it may be the dream I am waiting for!
"If you (really) want something, all the universe will conspire in helping you achieve that dream." Paulo Coelho The Alchemist

you asked what spiritual is?
knowing who I am
being the person I am
and becoming the person I can be
is a part of it

Remembering 7 years ago today
what were you dreaming 7 years ago?
are you STILL dreaming the same dreams?
live them while you have the chance
or encourage someone else to live theirs!
it may just inspire you to start living yours

A look at the alcoholic in your organization is many times illuminating. Is he not usually brilliant, fast-thinking, imaginative and likable? p139

A look at the alcoholic in your organization is many times illuminating. Is he not usually brilliant, fast-thinking, imaginative and likable? When sober, does he not work hard and have a knack of getting things done? P139 P140

I am sure the reading one night
P417-P418 Big Book 4th edition
And acceptance is the answer...
absolutely was a turning point.. my admission
of powerlessness and unmanageabilityP59
at the beginning was the start of my recovery
is still a key tool in my daily living today

I have accepted
a) I am "at risk" of redundancy
b) That I am actually useful and effective in the workplace P139/140
c) Many people agree & like me P139/140 I am a text book case!
d) I have a better than average chance of staying
e) I am to continue to do what I do until I know
f) Our business has taken its own inventory P64 its not personal
g) Its about me being pro active not reactive
h) There is no place for loafers in a credit crunch
i) I have to be selfish
h) I must also be selfless
j) They used the words
"for some this will be a turning point"P59
in the bad news speak "especially for me" haha
h) praying works
i) restraint of tongue and pen is essential (12x12)
f) honesty is essential P13
g) willingness P13 & flexibility is essential
h) openmindedness is essential (Faith) P13
i) I am now properly armed with the facts about myselfP18 (in the workplace)
and my evidence if valuable assets/skills
which I HAVE learned/gained/worked for
over the last 25 years, though previously brought
any "success" crashing down P123 on top of me whilst drinking
unable to manage maintaining and growing any position
j) I could keep quiet and not blog til its over just incase
I get ousted and then I wouldnt have to tell you I could just
say I was let go, BUT I cant! its slothful
so i will try to show you
how it works in my life whichever way it goes..., and at the same
time evidence to myself (and you)
that it is a design for living
even in rough going P15
h) I went into shock Monday, mixed with all of the above
i) my body is reacting though my mind and spirit are strong
j) 6-10pm Monday night phone service
followed by no sleep, so I went to the
6am big book meeting (It was up to page 8 Bills Story
you know where it talks of disater in the finacial areas
and people jumping from skyscrapers...
there are no coincidences!!
followed immediately
by the 7.30am city meeting Tuesday morning
and was at work by 8.40am...
yes I slept really well Tuesday night!
k) I have to be gentle with myself H.A.L.T.
though keep on at the same time
awareness of physical needs are essential
l) I have been praying for his Words not mine
and His Will and the Power to carry it out
m) Its my responsibility to pick up the tools and use them
n) Working with others (suffering/floundering with the news)
is essential (it helps me!)
o) God provides me with all the answers I need in his time
p) I have quit the debating society infact I didnt join (12x12)
q) Praying for people works P67
r) AA meetings are a huge rock and a cuddly oak tree P152
s) 2.5 hours yoga was exactly what I needed tonight
t) I am negotiating a sale and a purchase and will be
moving to the seaside in the next 6 weeks P164
u) My job will change in the next 4 weeks P164
w) I am starting Uni 3 evening a week in 4 weeks P164
x) I am pre-mentual for a bit longer
y) I have not wanted to drink or die
z) God doesnt give me more than I can handle EVER
Our Big Book rocks doesnt it!!

I forgot there was a word verification thing on my comments
its now off!

and I am still amazed that a brief conversation with my
sponsor about by frustration at work
resulted in me praying lots sunday evening
I didnt know about Monday then... not being a psychic yet!
things could have been very different
I had not made that call to her
or those prayers!
and NOT restrained my tongue!
until God had given me the go ahead when he was ready

Why dont i talk to her more often? I still ask myself
because the tools work on everything
She does not know everything and she doesnt have power
pride and arrogance at times cause me to delay
Self will

Oh well... its a complete turnaround
from how it used to be
no longer over reliant and needy :)

And the government increased the stamp duty threshold today! hoorah
right i'm off to bed

Humbled by the extraordinariness that my life is - compared to what it was

my efforts - willingness
and its/his Power
combined
create the extraordinary
I feel humble
and grateful to be
within the realm of the King of Goodliness

Matt Redman - Facedown


Someone once said to me
God wants his family back
like a father

today my Dad
offered to come and help with my house move
this is extraordinary!
and yet to many it will not appear that way

See God had created what to
many will seem ordinary
ordinary life
ordinary experiences
but to me
it feels very special
its worked for
with good motives

a few days ago
I said marriage and kids
may make my life perfect
I think
having my dad in my life
is more important today
I had accepted that the distant
and muted life we share.. was it
and I pray for them both often
restraint and tolerence and patience
and love
and see... what happens

perhaps they just didnt like where I live
and have been wishing for
me in the same way for not changing
and they having to accept my ways...
excersizing their own restraint
tolerence patience and love

somehow without argument...
excersizing live and let live
and giving time time
we may have finally found some middle ground
geographically speaking

6 out of the last 7 working days
I have arrived early
at work...
I dropped off the early meetings
wed/thursday/friday last week
wed/thurs still got in early
but it was a struggle
Friday, I was well late!!
proves to me yet again
I cant do this on my own
I revert back...
today I did some shopping
in between the meeting and work
and still arrived early
now thats what I call
a flippin miracle!

Mondays stuff

Alarm went off 5.30
I snoozed it, til 6.50
Then nearly gave up cos I now would be late
Err late for what?
Late for the meeting of course...
So theres no point in going is there
Can you see how my heads going?
Talking me out of antythung
Dragged myself out of bed at 6.15
Stressing I would be late
Feeling the same physical chest pains
Cant breathe properly
Whats this? Like a panic attack? I dunno?
I get this every day pretty much..
Week days
An now I am feeling it, just about going to a meeting
More about NOT getting to the meeting ate
See now I see how really sick I am!...
Afraid of being late for a meeting...

See last week
I realised that I have to change my attitude before anything will change
And I see that praying and willingness is just now enough
Doing the chair last week at the early meeting
It was effortless getting there
See I was giving, I had a purpose
That was not about money or ego
Over the weekend, I sat in meetings
Where I am looking to move to and realised that
Its time for me to take/receive again from our
Huge loving fellowship
Receive unconditionally
Friendship in the new area, stability
5 years sobriety... means nothing
On this portion of my life
I need help i a different way to early recovery
But the meetingas and fellowship
Will do for me what I cant do for myself
In the new area I am making friends already!!
And I haven’t even moved down yet!
This morning I got to the meeting about 7.45
Late! Yeh and then obsessed about whether I would get to work on time
See the dishonesty and fear... that drives me
Nowhere in my head di I say well done for getting there to myself!
Mtng finishes at 8.30 I went and got toast and was at my desk 8.45
15 mins early AGAIN...
AA and the meetings are there for me, its my turn to lean on it
I cant get to work on time
The meetings will helps me...
A Power greater than myself!

Pray

I am in the eye (of a storm)
grace?
a window of opportunity?
I am praying
asking questions
and the answers are coming thick and fast
all feels weird
weird = first adjective
thought when I am in the unfamiliar
especially around religion when it
feels ok...

I am struggling to speak
whats going on right now
I am wanting to watch it unfold
rather than talk it out
its Me and God
and it feels alright

Talked to a minister today
10 mins in a church near work
I needed quiet time
and found it
he popped up haha

Questions are being answered
not by people
just by people actions.. thoughts... signposts
the Universe
and its giving me faith to move forward
yes its forward in this area

another is closing up at the moment
the house move is slowing down
exploring other ideas
its not happening with ease at the moment
so I am not forcing it
12 months I gave the process as time
to be prepared for, an ideal
and so I must remember not to act
in hurry and indecision..

I spent much of today
thinking and saying I DONT KNOW
in relation to what I would like
for the short term future
its the truth
nothing I came up with
sounded solid!
Therefor I am not to make any decisions
explore all I like
but no life changing decisions

I am still in my first year (technically) haha
at uni, early study...
so I choose to consider applying
the principle/suggestion of
no life changing decisions
until after the first year of continuous sobriety
or after step 9
A very sensible and very important
principle for me to remember, it worked!
very few self created disctractions
in early recovery was such a lifesaver

see I can interpret or practice these
principles how I choose really
step 9 likened to study module 9?
so until after study module? 9 which
bizarrely would be this time next year
no life changing decisions!
could be an absurd idea? p87
of course it could
but by listening
its slowed me up
and given me another angle to look at this!

more news as it happens
I'm happier today and feeling stable and in the herd
no animal puns intended
Not in control
Being guided
step by step

Prison service tomorrow :)

Turn up until they tell you not too

Today was a day I havent had for a while
I mistake has come up
unearthed, from before Christmas
its just come to light
these things happen
bound too
when your at it the whole time
the more you do
the more % mistakes
if you know what I mean
not acceptance in a sloth way
just a fact
if you dont do anything
you wont err
yes its big
but then we do big stuff
but as with EVERYTHING
there is a process for dealing with BIG mistakes!

I didnt talk or freak
just prayed
took action
made a phone call
and then another
did the right thing
made the right call to the appropriate person
talked quietly low even
then got up walked away
went to talk with my manager another appropriate person
went to the kitchen for a coffee
went to walk back but didnt
paused, turned around and prayed
walked back

was told not to worry
was told the world would not stop
was agreed with this is a big a*se
was told NO I wouldnt have to NOT go on holiday!!

I am I to blame?
See no-one has said that
only me! in my head
no fingers pointed
we are our biggest critic

I knew what the right thing to do was next
go to a meeting
went back to my home group tonight
was like a girls reunion!
cool or what!

I love that church
after the meeting
I went and prayed at the alter
on my knees
I feel so very small in that big church
yet very safe at the alter
me and God

Grateful for the tools
grateful for using them
grateful I prayed last night and this morning
for restraint of tongue and pen
for the next right thing
Grateful for the discipline of earnest prayer
grateful for the step 3 prayer P63
and the prayer to have my fear to be removed
and my attention to be directed to what he would have me be P68
and the serenity prayer
and humility

God grant us the serenity
to accept the things we cannot change
the courage to change the things we can
and the wisdom to know the difference

On the way home, sent a mesg to sponsor
not a panic stricken, freak out
just a mesg to talk re work
yet at the same time
knowing that its prayer I need
this is a God moment
tonight is not the time to talk with a human
tonight its prayer I need
sometimes to reach out is enough
though the need to be fixed is not there
i want to do this with God
and I know that what I think is God
is sometimes absurd...
sometimes there is a need for counsel
give time time
Let God in

First job for tomorrow
pray and turn up
no matter what
Johno as always you go with God

We should be sensible, tactful, considerate and humble without being servile or scraping. As God’s people we stand on our feet; we don’t crawl before anyone.P83

God I am such a perfectionist
but even I f*ck up at times
and I was thinking it was all going
smoothly leading up to me
serene away from it all holiday

God said
Johno get real
this is life
in step 6 you agreed
that no longer would you
listen to your self centred head
that says these things are
a deliberate attempt to sabotage your serenity!

I know God, i seen that one already today

God said... well then!!
Read step 3 all of it... and then read this bit
Perhaps there is a better way-we think so. For we are now on a different basis of trusting and relying upon God. We trust infinite God rather than our finite selves. We are in the world to play the role He assigns. Just to the extent that we do as we think He would have us, and humbly rely on Him, does He enable us to match calamity with serenity.p68

NOW GO TO BED

ok see ya

and Johno

yes

stop worrying

Intolerence - my opinion

I am becoming very intolerent
towards alcohol
Thankfully, yes thankfully
the resentment is towards alcohol
and not the people who drink it
mostly!

I am REALLY seeing
exactly how destructive
this thing is
how it touches and affects
not only the drinker and the family
also the neighbours

My father has a neighbour
who arrived home at 1am
banging doors
shouting with his mates
the strangest noises
on the phone out in the garden
loud music
which carried on through until
9am
this is not just alcohol
the police have no control
its a council issue
there is an after 11pm by-law
he knows the police cant do anything
they went round at 1am and asked him to turn it down
their description of him was
a zombie, talking to someone who was not all there
no point in even attempting
he just knows the police have no control
when they talk to him sober
he apologises and understands
he is rational!
and then forgets
seems his hearing and all sense
of social skills
disappears
My dad and his fiance
are becoming ill with this
its starting to eat them up
I can see it
can they move house?
not sure if they will get a buyer
as his behaviour is very unpredictable

As a nation
If we effected a complete abstainence policy
for alcohol
other issues would become apparant
we would realise that as a nation
we have many other problems aside from alcohol
no longer would we be able to have news issues
where would our problem then centre?
in our mind?
in our attitudes?
the heart of the nation?
is the head of our nation really a reliable source?
as a nation we need to take action
more action!

Once again
I want to 12 step the UK
not singlehandedly of course
and once again
I see when we have been through the 12 steps
and practice 10, 11, 12 in all our affairs
these principles filter out into the nation
our 12th step is so important

Our name is Britain and we are alcoholic
we havent yet admitted we are powerless
and our life has become unmanageable
we have tried everything
and we still cant sort this issue
infact its getting worse
we are in the grip of a killer illness

Are we willing to go to any lengths?
Do we try anything, do we really? really?
Do we really accept our shortcomings
and humbly ask a power greater to help?
Do we sing off the same hymn sheet?
Do we really want to solve anything?
or have we become so completely sick
that the unacceptable has now become acceptable
untreated alcoholism?
are we spiritially sick?
as a nation are we a victim
I have an opinion
but its NOT a dig
at any political party
or person
its just an opinion
and observation today

Whats it like in other countries?
the problem is still there
the effects, health, crime are just two examples
but do they have more of a success rate?
do the police and authorities join forces?
I have no idea

All I see is what I see hear
when they said
Keep coming back
more will be revealed
I had no idea what they meant!

I am finding a voice
RaRaRaaaaaaaaaaar :)
Resentments - can lead to solutions
if a process is followed through
not necessarily now!

Patience Johno
Keep coming back
keep talking
honour your truth
dont be scared
be considerate
this is Any Lengths

Recovery Archive found The Last Thing
have you had a look?

Heres another
Recovery is Sexy

And I may start reading this
Buddhism for Dummies!

Its all becoming clearer - more about study

one of the modules
seems to be fitting into place
buying a voice recorder
was the best buy
along with a bigger ipod
in the last 6 months or so
thanks y'awl fecker!

LISTENING how it all works
over and over
writing it out
LISTENING to this new language
in fear
and now finally HEARING the process
the stucture to follow
and the principles to apply
praise the Lord
i am hearing it spoken by others I trust
those that know better than me
who I understand now to be very imperfect
who get certain things very wrong
but who are definitly
guiding me in the right direction
I am now following their directions
learning how to structure a sentence
!? in English
how these words fit together
sound basic English stuff
but for me its a skill I am learning
painstakingly... its true
word by word
and how to reason it all
test it all out
no guess work
results based, evidence based
stick with the winners
in the broadest sense of the word
working out who my teachers are
in front of me
and past and present
yeh man
bring it on
i am getting excited again!
on one module
all sounds very familiar "rules/suggestions"
I learned in AA and the final suggestion
practice the principles in all your affairs

One module of two seems to be
coming clearer

the other is still a mare..
Rararara
its ALL exactly how its meant to be
its not over YET
if it all became clear at the same time
i THINK i MAY DIE OF SHOCK and cynicism
and I wouldnt believe it was truly clear
moi the eternal doubter

We had to register next years modules
this week, I thought i had done it wrong
contact the correct person
and was told to STOP WORRYING
are you suprised?

If you are approaching end of semester
Good luck, stop thinking now just 'uckin do it
follow the process
apparantly the words are all in there (ones head)
God will get them out in the right order
if i/we let him

still praying for a change in attitude to
9am start. 9.15am today
however I did notice
my chains were nothing to do with
the imaginary gestapo protecting the world
but tiredness from being up very late
doing homework

hmmm is this yet another
old idea I am going to have to let go of
for lack of evidence based
on from now onwards?
have I chaned without realising it?
could be...

praying anyway

Footballs off for me tomorrow
to many dropped out...
have to say
this week I am relieved
only as I am lacking in energy
self inflicted non gym attendance
for a while now
I actually am looking forward to
getting back down there and
picking up where I have let my self go
firming up what was once firm or firming up
prioritizing physical appearance
a little higher than I have been
internal and external nourishment
looking forward to all that
again :)

The lights are coming on
and I am at home
sanity restoring
who knows for how long
I am enjoying having it
for today

Some things I heard in meetings - Pass it on

Nothing changes if nothing changes

The desire to drink has been lifted
I still have the desire to change the way I feel

It works if you work it
It doesn't if you don't

Keep coming back

Give it away to keep it

Step 11 - Improve your conscious contact

We have entered the world of the Spirit. Our next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness. This is not an overnight matter. It should continue for our lifetime.p84

I am coming to believe
I have reached a turning point in Step 11

A few conversations in various forms
over the weekend
I realise how little I know
How childlike my faith actually is
It has seen me this far
And it has been enough
It has worked
but is it enough to see me on for the next few years?
No, i dont think so
I feel like I am entering my teenage years!
in this life area, (all my affairs)
....Coming of age!

What I am hearing is
Find your faith and follow it
devotion, grown in understanding

The time has come
It doesnt matter which way
Only good will come of it
To grow upwards a little more
Like in AA, dont take the cafeteria attitude
Find one and do it
get in the middle of the bed!

Up until a few weeks ago I felt
Consciously competent
in my faith - God and anythings possible
But this last week
I feel an unravelling
this weekend I felt like I fell apart
not in the nervous breakdown falling apart
just my old ideas in this area
are in need of some WORK
Its stopped working
God I love you
Show me whats next

Feeling consciously incompetent
with hope

Doing lots of crying
Last night I went home
and cried most of the evening
heavy gut wrenching sobbing
I can only describe what I feel around
this grief
is out of control
like a ship in a stormy sea
no idea when the next wave will come
no idea how strong it will be
no idea if we will come out alive!

Sadness around i didnt cuddle her enough when she was sick
sadness she suffered
sadness it was so ugly
sadness she died forever

I need help with this
and I have made some calls
bereavement / care / spiritual

This too shall pass
Letting go
Growing up
Letting people in
willing to change my ideas

Keep on keeping on

Dont quit before the miracle - Fellowship - Unity

There is, however, a vast amount of fun about it all. I suppose some would be shocked at our seeming worldliness and levity. But just underneath there is deadly earnestness. Faith has to work twenty-four hours a day in and through us, or we perish.P16

2006 Las Vegas Run for life
You know why they are doing it, raise money for Breast Cancer
but as you see from the faces, there is a vast amount of smiles
No I wasnt there, I just loved the vid



I run for hope
I run to feel
I run for the truth
For all that is real
I run for your mother
your sister, for your daughter, your wife
for you and me my friend

I run with those
looking and hoping for a solution
For the scientists and the researchers
For the nurses and doctors
for the carers and family
and friends
For us all

Race for Life
Last week I said I wouldnt do it this year. Why?
Afraid of asking for pledges donations
of the same people again and again and again!
yet each year I get to know more people
and so there are some whom I have never asked
Also by not asking is presuming
I know what you think!
which i dont

Why a change of mind?
Does Jimmy Savile say nah!
I wont ask the people of the UK
yet again for more donations
for Stoke Mandeville Hospital?
No he doesnt
he does it over and over
thats how he raised over
£40million

Bollocks to my pride
I'll do it anyway

Today I made a decision that I will
Its not all about me

Service is good for the soul
all of ours

Happy Mothers day Mum

By the way, when I say run...
I mean walk! its allowed!
80% of entrants walk 20% (the nutters) run!

Self pity in this area of life
is no different to any other
whats the solution?

Service, turn my thoughts to something useful

Today I have eaten, I am clean and stable
Off to do some more study, prayer, cry
make a couple of calls
Prayer works and strengthens
as do your comments
thank you

Strong urge, first thought, desire for a KFC

I made a decision
not to eat meat
day a time
I haven't

Tonight on the way home from uni I had a
Strong urge, first thought, desire for a KFC
when I know I dont really want one
rational thought says nah
insane then why does it seem like a good idea?
Why?
I had not eaten regularly nor enough today
So I ate something healthy
as soon as was reasonably possible after the thought

Early recovery its suggested to carry around
sweets, chocolate something to eat when confronted
with that thought

H.A.L.T.
Hungry - if hungry eat
Angry - pray for them, retraint of tongue, call another alky
Lonely - Go to a meeting, call up an alky, do something useful
Tired - Lay down, take a nap, go to bed

When one or more of HALT is not taken care of
my perception changes
at times irrational
insane thoughts
paranoia
oversensitive
jealous
afraid
judgemental
anyone or more and others could crop up

Prevention is easier than cure
Take care of your HALT
and it takes care of my mind

If I had gone for a KFC
This would have been acting out - dishonest
because my heart does not want one
my head did!
I would have really enjoyed it
I know it
I love them
BUT tomorrow I would have been really baffled
and regret it
remorse... have to start again etc
and know that more than likely
if I had eaten
and not gone to bed at 5.30am last night
after studying

Hungry and Tired HALT
see HALT is a great tool to apply
Another solution!

Practice this principle on thinking about drinking
Dont listen to your first thought
Pick up the phone before you pick up a drink
Think Think Think
Its the first drink not the 5th or the 6th

Heres some AA points to
consider now that you've stopped drinking (in this example eating KFC's)
and if I have tried all these
I could consider these things to
Consider if confronted with the urge (thought) to drink or for me today eat a KFC
before you pick that drink up OR ACT OUT DISHONESTLY IN ANY WAY
Going against Gods will, your new way of living
the life you are attempting to create
the changes you are trying to live by
how ever you want to describe it

I suggest they are useful to consider AND DO
TAKE ACTION
at first thought not waiting til the
urge or the 5th or 6th thought
AND IT WORKS on other obsessions and insane thoughts
like eating a KFC when hae stopped eating meat
and want to stay stopped!!

....if our friend never took the first drink, thereby setting the terrible cycle in motion. Therefore, the main problem of the alcoholic centers in his mind, rather than in his body. If you ask him why he started on that last bender, the chances are he will offer you any one of a hundred alibis. Sometimes these excuses have a certain plausibility, but none of them really makes sense in the light of the havoc an alcoholic´s drinking bout creates.P23

Dont pick up that first....
It will be great to wake up tomorrow
Not having drunk alcohol or eaten a KFC
Grateful again

ps
yes I need to take care with my sleep
its very unmanageable
See I am not perfect, no saint
its one of those areas
I am hanging on to
for some unknown reason
that my head and self will only know!

Gods time not mine - anylengths in the workplace for 4 years - the results are outstanding!

I post this not to show you how good I am
its to show you it worked when I worked it
it didnt when I wasnt
in the workplace

4 years ago
6-9 months away from a drink
struggling to grasp step 1
hanging on by my finger nails
I was on disciplinary at work
speaking to unions
in discussions with HR, Managers
underperforming
and couldnt manage to do even the simplest thing
like stay awake at work
washing machine head, which would NOT shut up
constatntly distracted
no attention span
no discipline
relying on others to help me
no imagination
no a colleague amongts colleagues
not a worker amonsgt workers
a drain on the company
1 hours work in an 8 hours day
a dishonest days work
not through lack of effort or will power
will power and effort was not enough
I was Deadwood basically
A liability
I was told they needed to get rid
of those that were a drain on the company
4 weeks to try and meet some development areas...
acheivable? yes
after 2 weeks it was obvious to me I couldnt

I went and surrended
I am not messing around,
I am not very well
I cant do my job
I have lots of experience
is there anything else you can give me to do
This is a very precarious position to be in
when your companies being sold
all the deadwood are being edged out and I was one of that wood
You may have to take a pay cut
Ok

I am telling you
Anylengths is as you see on this area
a marathon not a sprint
no quick fixes
faith (trust the process)
Turning up (Go to a meeting)
Keep turning up (Keep coming back)
Day at a time
Cinch by the inch Hard by the yard
Pray to be shown the next right thing
Do the next right thing
Just keep turning up until they ask you not to
Put in the footwork.. let go of the outcome
God does for us what we cant do for ourselves
trust the process
anylengths

God gave me a few skills
I knew I had a few, but they didnt show themselves
WHILE I WAS DRINKING

At the time I had a VERY patient & tolerent sponsor
who gave me very direct instructions
minute, hour, day, night by night
my relentless questions
my relentless fear
were met with strength and experience anylengths back
her faith in the steps and practicing these principles
is massive
she had faith in something
I had faith in this something she had
even though I had no idea what it was (blind faith)
I followed as best I could
to the enth degree
it all made sense
and it was manageable
small steps
those early tools still work and keep on working
Sponsorship really is Love, tolerence & gratitude in action
I am Very Very grateful
Thank you

2007 I reached a standard
I have never reached before
NO development areas by the company
1 development area for me to work on (my choice)
All they ask me to do
is to keep doing what I am doing
Keep on Keeping on

So God, Sponsor and fellowship
and Anylengths
You did this, I wanted it
We did this!
Thank you

This is a review of my performance 2007
They wrote this

Johno is a very competent and self disciplined individual.

She goes over and above her level of service agreements to her advisers to ensure a smooth transaction of business. She aids client retention by encouraging client contact by way ....

Johno has received excellent feedback from her advisers who commend her for her hard work and commitment to them and their clients. They recognise her professional approach to her role and with a happy working relationship, Johno is rarely away from the office.

Johno has become a great team player, always offering assistance to her colleagues and RSM (Manager). She has really settled into the team and will put herself out to help others.

She has committed herself to a university degree outside of the business which she is enjoying and finding a good challenge.

One area Johno wishes to change and streamline is her working hours. Although her current hours were agreed at the outset of her employment and are not an issue under discussion or needing development from a business point of view, it is an area she wishes to look at herself in 2008.

Johno should be really proud of her achievements and is an asset to the team.

This is for real!!! and yes I am very proud
proud to bear witness to those I may help!
THIS PROGRAMME, THESE TOOLS FLIPPIN WORK!
The only bit I have written, is in italics
why? its my choice development
because I couldnt find anything in my
job description or generally that I needed to improve on
and neither could they
What the italics is basically saying is I would like
to try and start work at 9am instead of 9-9.30
even though flexi is fine by them
personally its those small victories that make such
a difference to us alkies!
So my goal for 2008
To maintain the high standard I have been
and to make it in once a week at 9am or before!

I no longer do the job I was on disciplinary for
I do a job somepeople have looked down on
as a lesser job than what I did
For me I do an honest days work
I love what I do
which is 4th Dimension stuff
oh yeh!

I dont know what the HR guy will think
if he even remembers when he reads this review
he was the HR at my last company who
was having disciplinary conversations
He is also now at my new company!

Do you know how grateful I am?
More than words can say

Thank you God
Your Will is Amazing

Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God’s will into all of our activities. “How can I best serve Thee-Thy will (not mine) be done.” These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our will power along this line all we wish. It is the proper use of the will.p85

Turned a corner... keep on keeping on, inspite of the light appearing

I have turned a corner
Stayed up last night
trying to sit down and do an assessment
for this evening
at 1am I finally got a grip and answered a question!
I had to sooo keep asking for my attention
to be returned back to whats in front of me
over and over again!
3.40am I turned off the computer
3/4 assessment done
brain say... no more tonight
let go of the outcome
I dont know whether I slept
or just laid down and faked it
alarm went off
went to work
suddenly its very busy
I rose to the occasion
strange that
work is effortless and I love it when its a full day!
its true
and at lunch did another bit of the assessment
at 5pm - 5.30pm some more
in fact I finished every question
then Uni - took the assessment 6-7
and a lecture 7-9
am I insane?
nah just doing my best
and making the most of opportunity when it comes
for me It came at about 1am last night
suddenly felt a shift
and I milked it for a few hours
keeping on keeping on
No idea how the assessment went
not marked yet
Now to prepare for the next one

What shifted?
Fear or just a moment of clarity, sanity?
Suddenly I read the instructions
The lecturers instructions
of what I am meant to do
and tried the first question
and it suddenly made sense
at that moment
what was unclear, suddenly became clear!
makes sense to me

Now I just have to apply it again
to the next assessment next week
and to the other module
Ching!
Thank God for that

The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink.P24

Why do I think this is relevent to me for the last 24hours?

Step1
For reasons yet obscure
I am unable to control how and when
I am at my best studying
I have lost control (if I ever had any power to control)
I am unable, at certain times
to... study even when the consequences
of not studying are so great
ie loss of marks, hurt pride, humiliation...
punctured ego
I am without defense of when this balking will come
around taking and processing new information
in studies

This is where step 2
I have faith that if I keep on
dont quit
turn up
follow suggestions
even when its not as I would like
wait, let go, try again and again
at somepoint sanity will return
This is anylengths

If I quit when its tough
If I dont open up to my fellows
last night and say
Its really hard and I hit a wall
to my sponsor and say I dont know what to do
follow her suggestions
even when it goes against what I thought was best
even when I told her I wasnt going to do what she suggested
which was step 11 work
I did it anyway!
what the Frik to I know really
if I dont do all this
I retreat into isolation
and I quit before the miracle

See it works
I am coming out of this darkness into the light
I am not saying darkness over
just saying
its all starting to fit again
instead of grind
Phew!

Right I need to go and wash up
my kitchen is a a mess
as a result of me cooking up
good nutritious food
and not being bothered to wash up after
oh the joys of being a student!

What else happened
I got a 12 step call
and someone called me up and asked me to be their sponsor...
See I have no idea
whats going to happen next
and where Gods work will come from
I thought I needed to go to more meetings
to work with newcomers
apparantly NOT ALWAYS!
again
God often provided for me what I thought
I should be doing for myself
but had no idea how to fit it all in!
Let Go Let God

I have another review at work tomorrow
does it ever end?
nope
do I want it to?
nope

Good night
pray for more willingness

anylengths means anylengths