Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Analysis Paralysis v First things First

Whenever my sponsor tells me am analysing
My response is... well you did ask me how I am!!
I wouldnt have said if you hadnt asked
Thankfully it doesnt happen so much nowadays
(Usually when I have balked at inventory for a few days)

I posted not long ago
I have a tendency to blog instead of Step10 & pray
Even though the results of Step10 & prayer
Inventory, prayer and helping others is the X factor
Sharing my will and my life on a blog is not going to keep
me from alcoholic death or insanity

Taking Daily inventory
Improving my conscious contact
and immersing my physical, mental self into step 9
Doing, not thinking

Last night I surrendered my will & my impatience over
Taken sponsors suggestion on trust re step 9
Had a nightmare in the night!!

Every single step, when i surrender to it
i mean every step, when i let go of predicting, manipulating
accept & just do, see what happens, keep it simple
I have a nightmares for little while

Nowadays I am grateful for them
For me its evidence I am in surrender mode
Honest, willing and openminded
For me I see it now as my UNconscious
processing the change, my mind still works even when I am asleep
Even if consciously I am doing the right things, prayer, inventory
to combat fear.... when I am asleep, I am powerless

This is a cunning baffling powerful illness
It absolutely does not want me to take this step
It knows its another step away from a drink
Not another step towards

Nightmares, unmanageability, physically sick
yeah I'll start the step when am feeling better!!!!!!!!!

I have, so am gonna crack on with step 9 regardless of how am
feeling, its a program of action.
Follow sponsors suggestions. Thats all!!

I have to do this step
Step9 is "in line with" Gods will,
so I MUST exert every ounce of my will to do it
NOT blog.... If you catch me blogging,
ask me if am half way through my amends yet
Or just ignore my posts!!!!

Be ruthless, you have my permission
I want what you have
I did say I would go to any length
I still do & will

Let go Let God
God Bless

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Grateful for "Live and Let Live" in the workplace

So we think cheerfulness and laughter make for usefulness.

Yesterday at work we had such a laugh
we also got so much work done

How often now does at least one person every few day who sits
on our bank of desks say "this dont feel like work" or
"when do we have to do the real work?" we have a very profitable
group of people on here, yet we have lots of time to laugh

childlike, not childish
laugh at ourselves
laugh with each other
All with defects, no-one is perfect
each of us experiences, excited, hysterical,
stroppy, happy, sad, confused, focussed, flirty, restless, calm,
irritable, irritating, discontented, contented, playful, high, low,
hot, cold, hungry, full up..... I could GO ON.
And its all ok
No-one gets hurt.
We are just spiritually sick
We also try to do the right thing at the same time
Different Defects playing up on different days
Different defects playing up in different people
Lots of love, acceptance, forgiveness, honesty, integrity,
openness, sharing experience, patience, tolerence, service around

Live and Let Live
Am learning the meaning of this
It works, it really does
A loving God watches over us

Just for Today "I won't find fault with anything, nor try to
improve or regulate anybody but myself"

Yesterday one of us was sad, lots of tears
We all felt it
We just felt it
Sometimes there is strength in doing nothing, not trying to
regulate anyone continuing to be ourselves and
do whats in front of us - our jobs
Let their sadness come, accept it was part of "their" processing
Let it come and let it go.
This too shall pass, it did, today no sadness, laughter returns

A few years ago was threatened with disciplinery for poor
performance, I was not profitable to the business, & could
show no evidence that I would change. i couldnt do my job &
was paralysed with fear most of my working day trying to
get away with doing very little, because I couldnt manage to
do anything & too afraid to do give up or ask for help.

Tears and laughter all around me in the same day
Useful and profitable, not just in financial terms
Work that feels like play
Free Gym at work with classes...
At last I restarted yoga this lunch time
Lovin the downwards facing dog & cobra

Home group tonight aswell
Theres more but I need to go and read step 9 again
"until i get a handle on it"

I am so freekin blessed
Recovery Rocks!!! Bring it On Dudes!!

Thank you God!!

P132 Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous

Monday, February 26, 2007

I vowed I would NEVER go down the gym again

I have booked a "chat" with a personal trainer!!

Vanity & pride, maybe thats driving it
Nothing! is firm anymore!!

I have a wedding to attend, with lots of
stick like people, no date set yet

Or is this interest in the Gym just another
predictable result of the steps...? Who cares
I'll run!? with it... see what happens

Anyway, this dropped in my inbox today, it had me
in stitches today especially the triceps bit!!!
Hope you Enjoy it tooooooooooooooooooooooo


If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary:

For my 24th birthday this year, my friend Werner purchased a week of personal training at the Virgin health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing for my varsity rugby team 18yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

Werner seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.


Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.

Woo Hoo!!!!!

She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!


I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.


The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a moped in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine-which sank.


I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if she didn't want dents in the floor, she shouldn't have handed me the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?


Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.


I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, Werner (the idiot) will choose a gift for me that is fun -like a root canal or a vasectomy!!

Sunday, February 25, 2007

I have now "completed" step 8

My heart is smiling
This journey has been & continues to be so interesting
God Obviously loves me
This year or so, have ridden some pretty big waves
I have prayed lots
Through tears
on knees
stood up
eyes closed
eyes open
out loud
at home
in the park
at work
on the bus
through gritted teeth
with a smile
God hears everything I say & ask for
I always get what I need, which ultimately
is what I always wanted
He gives and takes away
All of which have strengthened my faith
There is a Loving God in my life
And I love having it

Am grateful

I have some Step 9 reading to do

Saturday, February 24, 2007

# Rule 62 Don't take yourself too damn seriously

Step 8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed,
and became willing to make amends to them all.
P59 AA Big Book Alcoholic Anonymous

Gone through Step 8 list.
Its harder staying away from people.
The ones I am to go to dont seem so hard!!

There are no coincidences!! on the way home, found this
"The Little Book of Stress" Rohan Candappa, it had me
giggling away to myself in the shop as i flicked through pages.

Heres a few exerts that hit home after todays step8 sponsor
chat .... none of these have been suggested as the program of
recovery by my sponsor or anyone else for that matter!!

Lost Love
Make a list of all the people who've ever dumped you.
Contact them all once a year and try and restart the relationship.

Get lost Love
Make a list of all the people you've ever dumped.
Contact them once a year and try to restart the relationship

Nurturing is Good
Nurture your greivances. If you dont they'll die and then whoever's
done you wrong will have got away with it.

Its Better That They Should Know
Recognise other peoples limitations. Then tell people what they are.

Borrowed Disinterest
Never return things you borrow

What Friends Are For
Always borrow money from friends. Forget or put off repaying it for as long as possible.

Captain Hook, I Presume?
Never let yourself, or anyone else, off the hook.

The Theory of Relativity
If Einsten was correct and everything is relative, then it's all your parents' fault.
Blame them as often as you can.

If At First Your Dont Succeed...
It must be someone else's fault. Find them; blame them; make them pay.

It Does You Credit
Apply for as many credit cards as you can. Max them out.
Then get more credit cards and do the same.

All above taken from
The Little Book of Stress. "Calm is for Wimps, Get real, Get Stressed"
Rohan Candappa

# Rule 62 Don't take yourself too damn seriously
P149 AA Twelve Steps & 12 Traditions

Its The Weekend

Just got in from Home group
and pizza after the meeting
Inspired by the step9 sharing

YeY am well happy and its only Friday!!
Another two days yet
I have a full weekend
But not too full

Time to be me
Time to see whats going on
Time to experience each thing
Time to experience the inbetween

With people and without

Alone and not

Ordinary & Exciting
Interesting & not loafing

Simple and full at the same time

Grateful for the gifts of today

I have a simple plan

Am Tired, Goodnight

Have a good weekend all!!

Thursday, February 22, 2007

The Butcher-The Baker-The Candlestick Maker

Or perhaps it should be The Dentist,
The Plumber and the Carpet Fitter

one of the questions on the form
when did you last visit the dentist ?
my answer.....over 10 years ago

As I now believe there are no coincidences
Its not just because I am now solvent
and have money to spend on stuff
It started during step 7
A sense of knowing and taking action in what
to spend money on ie not fixing

At this stage of our progress we are under
heavy pressure and coercion to do the right thing.
We are obliged to choose between the pains of trying
and the certain penalties of failing to do so. P74

We vigorously commenced this way of living as we cleaned
up the past. We have entered the world of the Spirit. Our
next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness.

I can continue to listen to by thinking (see below)
driven by my defects
Or take inventory, pray for defects to be removed
Have some faith and ask for help
in the right people Experts in their field

the carpet fitter and a plumber
both in my flat
and i've been to the dentist twice
all in the space of a few weeks

Did the research
Made decsions to do the right things,
let people in, to help me do things
the right things, cos i want to
not just because I need to

Before that I had lots of excuses
too skint in debt
to afraid to have anyone home
no idea what i wanted
to miserly to spend
to worried about what people think of me
already decided i would be ripped off
no reason to see these people
i would manage the way I was
wait til i really needed them
(in my opinion)
anyway my teeth are not as important
.... as carpets and decorating are they!?

I made the decsion to see the dentist
no immediate pain or worries
just knew it was the right thing to do
(after a 10year gap) no pun intended!!
to spend money on my teeth
to maintain them seemed as important
as decorating, carpetting AND
maintaining my flat (plumbing)

Plumbing, also not essential
I could have managed longer
(in my opinion)

Again it seems that these things I have NOW
need to be maintained to a level
Flat, body, mind, spirit all need looking after
or they fall to pieces
The aging process will take effect anyway

But I will no longer use the excuses
that I have no time, I am too sick
I cant afford it, I cant take time off work,
I'll call them tomorrow, theiyll rip me off
it'll cost a fortune
not Gods will

And we have ceased fighting anything or
anyone-even alcohol. For by this time sanity
will have returned. P84

ALL that I have been given is a gift
I have choices today what I do
Or is it that I dont have a choice
... its just do the right thing
Its like resistance is difficult
Have stopped fighting anything and everyone
But havent bcome a victim

Dentist..... had a real scale and polish
more like excavate.... lots of stuff to pick out!!!
It took one check up 15 minutes and
less than half an hour treatment
1 filling, or coating no sure what its called
am sitting here with a fat lip, cheek and chin
no food or drink til and no longer numb!!!
yeah am dead lucky
thats all for 6 months
She gave me a plan
brush twice not once a day, or not atall
get a smaller toothbrush
.... cos my mouths very small (its true)
Teeth look a millions dollars
See what do I know!!!

One days work inc sourcing the materials
Job done
Fear now gone

Carpet fitter
Great fun, flat now looks amazing
Did a room at a time as I decorated
over a period of a few weeks
helped me move furniture
job done, i just had to ask!!!

Done by yours truly
Day, hours at a time, 3 rooms
Abit like step 4 needed doing thoroughly
But its so worth it!!!
So am I

.......40 minutes to go then I can eat

You said it gets better if i kept coming back
this IS all so amazing
Even in its ordinaryness

I coud not have done any of this before
God done for me what I couldnt do for myself
All I have to do was
Honesty, willingness and openminded
and keep turning up NO MATTER WHAT!!!

Oh yeh and i stopped at a wood furniture shop
on the way to dentist, to find out about having
some furniture made....

Someone once said that money WAS good for the soul
Now I do believe it

P74 AA 12 steps & 12 traditions
P84 Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Step 10 & 3 Legacies

It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action
and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do,
for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism.
What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the
maintenance of our spiritual condition.

Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of
God’s will into all of our activities.
“How can I best serve Thee-Thy will (not mine) be done.”
These are thoughts which must go with us constantly.
We can exercise our will power along this line all we wish.
It is the proper use of the will.

Much has already been said about receiving strength,
inspiration, and direction from Him who has all knowledge
and power. If we have carefully followed directions,
we have begun to sense the flow of His Spirit into us.
To some extent we have become God-conscious.
We have begun to develop this vital sixth sense.
But we must go further and that means more action.

P85 Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous

Our triangle has 3 sides
3 legacies

When am not practicing all 3 i get a little unbalanced
Dishonest even
Have to say, much fellowship and service going on
have rested up on inventory for a few days
the quality time, which i find so rewarding
has diminished..... self will...
blogging has taken over that time
motives not entirely honest
what happened to first things first
Reliance on God

I like the way I feel when I am doing all 3
so I do it to feel good
strengthen & maintain this
broadband contact with God/Good/Best
a sense of real humour
a sense of real truth
all that positive stuff that comes wth it

To Thine own self be true
Awareness & honesty
yeh back to basics again
regular inventory
helping newcomers

Progress not perfection
Practice, practice

Just a bit of action to take
It will all be ok

back soon

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Shrove Tuesday

Today I am grateful.....

3 1/2 yrs sober
Happy Birthday Mum
AA gave me some quality time
I have some good memories
contact with brother
to have a laugh with him
to be a real part of his life
to be closer to him than EVER before

for a useful days work
am more easily open to change
for restraint of tongue and pen
for kindness and love
peoples suprising thoughtfulness
praying works

did service tonight
I have a Loving God in my life today
I have a conscious contact with it

God wants the Best for me
....the results of these steps are evidence enough
There are NO coincidences

I put my finances in Gods hands Monday
......Let go, gave freely
I received before the day was out
There are NO coincidences this HAS
happened before...
when my MOTIVES were unconditional

grateful for tough love
that the truth ALWAYS sets me free
Gods time not mine
I am enough
I am always work in progress
for willingness
knowing what makes me comfortable
doing what makes me comfortable

having a design for living that works
for this instruction book for a bright life
..... our Big Book
for a further guidance manual
.... our twelve steps and twelve traditions
that I can do a step 10 on my NOT getting
around to having a pancake today!! :-)

God Grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference

Hope you had a fab shrove tuesday too
I'll make pancakes at the weekend... lots!!!
(If I remember)


Monday, February 19, 2007

Step 12

Practical experience shows that nothing
will so much insure immunity from drinking
as intensive work with other alcoholics.
It works when other activities fail.
This is our twelfth suggestion:
Carry this message to other alcoholics!
You can help when no one else can.
You can secure their confidence when other fail.
Remember they are very ill. P89

I had no idea of the depth & gravity
of this statement when I was
CONTINUALLY reminded from
very early on
to go to a meeting and help a newcomer
...when i felt miserable!!

It works
no longer miserable
continuing to follow the suggestion
taking it out into the work place
social stuff
Knowing when to
restrain tongue & not to give advice
and when to share experience
takes practice!!
Praying for people helps

Someone said the 12th step is like
when we stop looking for mirrors and
start looking out of the windows
(i think i may be opening the curtains)

P89 Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous

Sunday, February 18, 2007

I am so excited

Last year it seemed like "everyone" around here
was raving on about the Greeek Convention
and the year before
the year before that I wasnt listening!!

This year its working its way in me
if you know what I mean
Seed was planted a few years ago
its starting to flower

Putting in the footwork
Finding out
Speaking to "ok" people thats been
people who tell me their truth

God am i excited
Never been to Athens either

can you feel it ?

At the same time tho
Letting go of the outcome

Then GET THIS....
I asked him.... is it near Rome? :-O
see my global knowledge currently
is a little off beam


Saturday, February 17, 2007

As usual theres more

So thursday night I happily put my pen down
I thought I had finished my list

As per usual step 8 meeting last night
loads of top sharing on the step
me yeh finished my list

it came to me half way through the meeting
I havent listed my sexual harms DOH!!!!!

so theres more, no big deal
It takes as long as it takes

Thoroughly? honestly? yes yes
Any length ? yes

physical, mental, spiritual
The heavyness in my heart is lifting
"Cough & Head cold lifting
Admitted & accepted am human being
around this tim last year i was nursing my sick mum
its her birthday on monday
this time last year she was dying

Head cold.... yeh all linked
this aint no bug, virus
this is all linked to the grieving process
the more I let go and just stop fighting the process
the easier the physical symptoms seem to be

the healing process will happen
I cant make it as painful and prolonged as I like
Thank God my step10's show me EXACTLY
where I am playing God
Exactly where I am trying to control
myself, my feelings, my tears, my thoughts and why
Fear and Pride, Fear and pride, Fear and Pride
Impatience & lots of self will

Will read step3 again tonight
I ask myself, who is in charge ?

In Step 8 I have felt a sense that I am
I am putting aside the wrongs others have done me
and writing a list of all people I have harmed
So it seems the Spiritual principle of Step 8 is
.....Forgiveness of others REGARDLESS

Friday, February 16, 2007

Questions for Conference

Created much comments tonight
some sayalot
some say a little
some agree
some dont

Its fab having a home group
that discusses questions for conference
We have a wealth of experience
at group, intergroup, region and conference levels
I came in to the meeting with my view
and then it changed, as a result of the evidence
presented from AA literature, by "older" group members
This is cool stuff

Am becoming a GSR thats interested in
the guidelines, reading Bill W's concepts

AA literature... all of it is such a gift
as is often said
AA is Divinely Inspired
Much of the writing is visionary
It doesnt date
Easy to use stuff that works in all my affairs
Another part of this "design for living" p28

It dont all make sense if i read it to know
to feed my ego, make me knowledgeable...
It makes sense when its meant to when its needed
When I need to know, I am shown

Service Rocks!!

P28 Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Tradition 7 in my affairs

I am amazed
The fear of what people think of me is disappearing

Brother wants me to lend X amount of money
I would like to help

Fear - he wont pay me back
Pride - he'll think bad of me cos i cant lend him it all,
Self will - I havent all that he needs

Freedom - its not my job to fix him
Freedom - doesnt matter what he thinks of me

Fear - it will leave me short...

Tradition 7
pay my bills & food,
keep a prudent reserve
Freedom from financial insecurity

Willingness to lend the remainder
Peace of mind I have enough
Unconditional giving,
willingness to forgive him if he lets me down
faith that it will be ok whatever happens

My needs are always satisfied

Thank you

Step 8 - Made a list - done it

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Valentines Day

Due to the fact that I am prone to fantasy
and would twist a coffee with anyone into a lead up
to marriage, kids and happily ever after before we
have even paid for the coffee.

For my own sanity if no-one elses
I will stay in and do my Step 8

Friend begged me to go out for coffee after work
before going home, their partner wont mind etc....
tempting wasnt it... til my mind started playing,
well perhaps theres something in it, maybe worth
going, nearly on step9.... perhaps, perhaps....STOP

Lust, please

Stayed in, Step 8, good food, called a newcomer
bed early
peace, no fantasy, no self pity

Thank you