sexuality

you knew all along
i'm afraid to speak
denying who I am
yet You say I can feel
you say You want me to feel
yet why do I find it so hard
to let go and be completely free
and say how it is
when you know all along
because you feel like this too
in this position I choose
yet so unsure what I can say
finding appropriate intimacy
in touch with my sexuality
we go our separate ways
no regrets
we are all children of God
knitted together
in imperfect perfectness
finding a second soul
who is unafraid
self control
coming at it with need
coming at it whilst running away
coming at it whilst finding yourself
amongst the debris of your life
intimacy with boundaries
love in its purest form
dont make it into something
it is not
or that it cannot be
not with me
our needs are not the same today
with the choices we made separately
trust that Love is
the Greatest Power on the earth
in Love we can be free
finding and feeling my sexuality
stepping backwards denying who I am
yet stepping into it with grace
trusting timing
idolatory sexuality
mmmm mmmm mmm mmmmmm
mission in this life
to be free to serve others
yet stuck inside and stuck outside
where is the common ground
where is the point of need
finding the point of need to meet
to know God, not left wondering
to make a choice
to know or not
investigate or not
the rooms are so empty
the doors have been closed for so long
exclusion was too easy
a few verses
spoken without Love
slammed the doors shut
slammed the doors shut
leaving the outside out and the inside in
uncomfortable
in the uncomfortable zone
of no common ground
Spirit show us how we do this now

must be a song i there somewhere.... :)

Leanred Helplessness - in response to yesterdays link

timely for me too,
the uncomfortableness which was
put up with able for a while,
has now gone on for years...
and become the norm ... then reduce
to tears of frustration and powerlessness
everynow again, things chnage a little and then
...return back to same ol same ol ....
misery is optional,
although it doesnt feel like it right now ....
yet to let go absolutely ...
means a stage dive off into the arms ...
of a loving HP ... hasnt let me down yet ...
and only good has even happened when I have ...
not without challenge,
fear and suffrin, but flippin worth it ....
just got to do it ...
why wait ?
Do not delay ?
yeh well i've been tellin myself
it will be different tomorrow,
yeh I have another path to look forward to
and this would tide me over ...
but even that feels like sloth and a copt out
(dishonest to HP)
self will keeps me in learned helplessness,
the easy option, remains the dis-easy option ...
I dont believe God wants me
happy joyeous and free for part of my life,
I believe,
infact I know he wants it for all of me,
access all areas ...
hanging on the towel ... yet its getting harder ...
he wants me, and and i want it too ...
just got to let go of the towel ...
and follow my calling absolutely,
even before the next thing comes up ....
once I know, let go ....
the comfortable life is not always the spiritual life ...
make space for grace ...

first time ever I have made a decision and lented ...
I have been lenting off of cakes,
biscuits and crisps... my things,
and even though I thankfully dont worry
about my consumption,
abstainence of just these things has meant
I am seeing verything, in its full glory ...
lifes to short ...
the spiritual life is not a theory, we have to live it ...
cant have my cake and or eat it... til Easter Sunday :)

God ... is it really is time for me
to get off the cross now because
you need the wood for someone else?!

Make it clear ..... or perhaps you just did ...!

Freddie - I want to break free

96 hours after - Dont quit before the miracle

Feeling very raw
Opened up
Naked
Vulnerable
Yet
Knowing
The truth will set me free
And waiting for freedom

To ask for the truth
No games
No misunderstanding
No small part wondering
Relationships on face value
Keep my side of the street clean

To get there
I had to be heartbroken
Break through the protection
My heart had built
Ask the questions
Explore fully completely
Let go absolutely
Allow the answers through
To my core
reach my soul
Give it the space to live
Give it the answers it needs
Let it crumple & strengthen in its pain
Let it process
Let it find accptance
set it free

Falling in love all over the place?
Is that what i do?
No, just in some places
Good kind loving giving hearted
Likeminded souls
There's a part of me searching
Soul searching for its mate
Thesedays its looking in
The best places
Safe, loving, nurturing
Making friends along the way

:-)

Its true service keeps you sober sane and serene :)

Just done another session
with youth group at church
8-13 year olds
not sure how old the little guys are
but we are settling in fine

much laughter and getting to know names
and playing together
table football
mini table tennis
cards
throwing soft ball arond
indoor skittles
pool

mispent youth has payed off
yet eyesight and reflexes not whatbthy were

much laughter

we have a couple of retired women too
one had never played table football
in her life... Until tonight :)
she even managed to dig me in the
kidneys with her goalie haha!!
Such lengths people go to to win ;)

renaming tuesday eve's 7-8 happy hour
i have never worked with kids
an hour is enough for now
its simple relationship building
i love the opportunities i have been given
doors open

i have said before
i am lucky to be alive
i am lucky to ha e been given the tools
which work on my mental spiritual health
if i died tomorrow (which i dont plan too)
i have had an amazing 6.75 years
no i am not being morbid
i just feel like i have worked hard
surrended
and chose to comply with
a life of service
and its brought me joy
even in the face of advsersity
i feel really blessed
i want to do more
i want to grow old
i want to be a witness to
what God can do
i want to live to be 120 :D

a design for living
even in rough going

Prayer Party - end of the old - welcome in the new

Prayer Party (last years write up)

time to pray for
ourselves
our friends/family
uk
world

worship loud! in true HTB style!

Awesome :)

When you really want something, want it with all your might and the Universe will conspire with you.... The Alchemist

I have spent the last 30 hours
in the place where my heart suggested
where I have never been before
and all I can descrive it as is
PERFECT

I have been on the beach
watching kite surfing
looking at houses...
I am housed out!
I have walked and walked
tested stuff out
been to another place
a little nearer
just to see whether I was sure
and I missed the place

the planets all lined up
thus weekend
and the sun shone gloriously
yeh a good weekend to go
house hunting
seen it at its best

Will let it all sink in
and have a look at rush hour
when it raining
and again for good measure
I am going to enjoy this summer
the worst that can happen
is that I dont get to sell mine this year
and I get to spend lots of weekends
by the sea!!

Went to a meeting
which I found was 10mins from
where i stayed
really friendly welcome
stayed after and they gave me
some tips! on the area
still nothing atall
has been said
or I have seen
which leads me to think
this is not Gods will for me
collected a newcomers number
why not? :)

cool cool
win win
I love it!
I want it!
It seems this is Gods will????
i'll keep on givins it anylengths
til He tells me not to

find out whats Gods will
follow it
and it all seems to work out
over and over

God wants us happy joyeus and free
I am evidence of this

be careful what you pray for
it may just come true

Its NOT about JUST stopping drinking
but its been imperative
to get to this stage
enjoyment
laughter
a lightness
which returns
and freedom

Dreams were created
and remained in my head for years
when I was drinking
In Alcoholics Anonymous
They are ALL coming true!
and more!

I am soooooo grateful
you'se never gave up on me
and
Loved me until
I could learn to love myself

ps I made the call
and we are talking
a little!
You probably noticed
I dont do fast straight away!

lovin it!

Embracing change - And having fun - At the same time

Change is
uncontrollable
inevitable
going to happen
part of the process
happening al the time
to be embraced
to be fought
will happen regardless
run fromable
but not hide fromable
tiring
scary
exciting
but bloody ! damn worth it!
once its done !!!

It'll getcha in the end
:)

I'm in it
the hands of the Gods
trying to hard! as usual
creating fear
lighten up

Having fun too
saw Sex and the City last night
Ten Pin Bowling the night before
Hilarious!! Both!

Stalling on the phone call
its just coffee!

I am VERY excited, and I have even started yet!!

Oh my God
This week has been a journey in itself
Got so much done
Its ALL fitted into place
Time management?
Nah its AA time
theres extra seconds in Gods AA time

Everything I need to do up to today
Is done
How cool is that?

Yesterday I went in search if the Library
Losing myself in the warrens inspite
of asking direction 3 times
A journey within the journey
Yeh I found it, awesome

Today I found my way round the building easy
(I'd walked the whole building last night)
Today I get excited about software
Thats available to make studying easier

Today whilst other people were asking
Whats the least amount of classes you have to attend?
But you cant rely on the tube?
When do the resits take place?

I find myself asking
What do I have to do to get a
First Class Honours Degree

Aim for perfection
Settle for excellence

he smiled and said we'll show you
one of the modules this semester

In each of the meetings I have
been to this week
they stress the importance
of turning up to everything
doing the preparation
your tutor will lead you in
reading material, research sources
everything

Tonight he said

We assume when you start the course
You know nothing about the subject
We suggest you turn up
keep turning up
follow instructions
at the end of the course
You will be autonomous and wont need us anymore

'uck me
Its not rocket science is it?

Today This feels right
This IS my time

Just for today I am unafraid

Here's a VERY well used piece of writing
from Nelson Mandela's Inaugural speech 1994
Its something I have on my wall at home
To the writer...Thank you

4 years ago
I would have loved this piece of writing
But I wouldnt have felt it
Not really, not in my heart
I would have wanted it
But it would have been out of reach

Today I can say I fully agree
Today I believe this absolutely
Today I am living this

whats made the difference?

having a desire stop drinking
Admitting and accepting I am an alcoholic
Admitting and Accepting without reservation I will never be able to drink safely
Accepting I suffer from a mental illness
Accepting I need spiritual help
Accepting I need to change
Stopping thinking and just doing it anyway
Being willing to do WHATEVER IT TAKES
DOING the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous
being willing to face, let go
and keep letting go of ALL my flawsp64
Trusting God absolutely
Good Sponsorship
Willingness to be of service
in and out of AA
Practicing Honesty
Openmindedness
Willingness
Humility
In all my affairs
AND KEEPING ON KEEPING ON

Tuesday, said goodbye to my home group
Let go with love, I have a lecture tuesdays

Today finally Mums Will was distributed
Money on its way across the world

Tomorrow, in search of a plumbers merchant
I have blocked pipes!!

yeh its amazing how much IS possible
these days

All this in one week
done more, but i need a bath...

And unlike Ms Gadget-Irish Friend
I haven't spree'd out on the latest Apple stuff!!
YET :)

Both you and the new man must walk day by day in the path of spiritual progress. If you persist, remarkable things will happen. When we look back, we realize that the things which came to us when we put ourselves in God’s hands were better than anything we could have planned. Follow the dictates of a Higher Power and you will presently live in a new and wonderful world, no matter what your present circumstances! p100

Today I have starry eyes
Filled with Love and Gratitude
Thank you

You are now entering the 4th Dimension - My chains fell off, my heart was free

I had the most bizarre conversation today

Hi its .... from ...
Well we have had the whole department
searching for your exam
and we have decided,we have lost you entrance exam
We aren't sure how, as only 3 of you sat it
and we have 2 of them here, its just yours
Pause (johno listened blinking)

and its undesirable for us to have you to sit the test again
pause (johno keep quiet)

so how do you think you did?
I dont know, thats what i was hoping you were going to tell me

well how do you think you did?
I found it hard

how hard, do you do this in your daily work life?
no I dont write essays, I have written reports
not like this though, I cannot compare the two
I haven't written an essay in nearly 20 years
I found it difficult

and so how do you think you would get on on the course?
I dont know, I know i will need help, as i said to you
on the open day, you do have the help there dont you?

yes we do
and do many people make use of it?

yes some people become dependent on it some people
just need help for certain aspects
well i would be someone that would get help definitely
johno's heart sank a little

would it suprise you if i was encouraged by your
honesty about your skill level? most people would have
said they, had breezed through the exam and would
be trying to impress a place on the course...
especially as we have lost your paper
but you arent
er no, i dont know if i will be able to do it
i dont know how much help i need, i just know I will need
help thats all, but i would like to
try this year to see how it goes
i would just like the opportunity to try
pause

ok, on that basis we will offer you a place
I will write the letter now
thank you

THANK YOU GOD
am blown away by opportunity

I watch what you do with others
I see what you do in others

letting go
Letting you
Giving all of me
Absolute trust
why wouldnt I?
everything i offer you absolutely
becomes Gold
Putting all of me in your hands
Is the BEST thing I have EVER done

You shown me in others what You can do
You take away their difficulties
and this helps me
and then when am willing and ready
you take away my difficulties
that victory over them may bear witness
to those I would help
Of Thy Power, Thy Glory, Thy Way of Life
May I do Thy Will always!

Will these tears of Joy ever stop?

The impossible just became possible!

THERE ARE NO COINCIDENCES

I BELIEVE IN MIRACLES

Click the arrow above artist
Tim Hughes - Holding nothing back

Abridged
My chains fell of, my heart was free
I'm alive to live for you
I'm alive to live for you
Amazing Love, how can it be?
You gave evertything for me
You gave evertything for me
everything

Nothings gonna hold me back
Nothings gonna hold me back
Nothings gonna hold me back

Free to love
Free to give
Free to be

I'm Free to love You....

Back to Plastic and little cash - Spain here we come

A week last Thursday
I lost my wallet
I now have everything replaced
except the wallet
So life now resumes
Bcak to carrying very little cash
and purchases via plastic
have caught up with
tickets to book
travel to arrange
and am now looking
Spanish AA Convention
(Takes seconds to download PDF)
Saturday night is cabaret
All recovering alkys, no professionals!!
Then ya see what NO FEAR is!!

This will be my 3rd time
So will book it this weekend
Theres nothing like Nov/Dec
Sun, brighter light and warmth
combined with a beachfront hotel
out of season - no tourists
a wide sandy beach and the sea
to lift my spirit within

This year I plan to do the meditaion workshop
I didnt feel worthy of last year
and sat on the balcony watching and listening

Have to say, I didnt enjoy the convention last year
But I do love the long weekend away
and the opportunity to
go to meetings or not
and not feel that desperate like i used to
that if I didnt go, I was not working it!
and the pool, sand, sea, bright daylight
blue sky
I love Fuengirola out of season

I used to go every year with my ex
we had lots of drunken arguments
lots of memories
To go back sober a few years ago
was a result, I love the place now
I always had a fondness for it, drunk
but now i love it sober too

Nearly bought a place to do up out there once
in fact more than once
in the mountains, with an orange and lemon trees
the view every morning would have been
snow topped mountain
neighbours would be farmers and locals
selling fruit and produce locally
excellent

Life would have been differnt
if we had bought then
I doubt I would be sober today
We broke up before I got sober anyway
Buying a PROPERTY seemed like a good idea
it was a great idea

the reality was
another something to deal with
yeh would have some enjoyment
but would not have experienced it fully
how could I ? overstretched
too many things to deal with
when i was completely unmanageable as it was

Today, buying a property abroad
especially in Spain
doesn't seem like a fix
it is a possibility
something I would like
for the future
not yet though
much work to do here first
it doesnt fit at the moment
so i must wait

I just realised thats
2 properties
one i bought
and one I nearly bought

Tradition 6, is a major help
for me to curb my
purchases of property
a spending over £5 in money
in a dishonest attempt
to boost my ego and self esteem

Also the questions
Can I afford it ?
Am I worth it ?

is a good measure on whether
I am to buy or not buy
If there is a slight hesitation
on a yes and yes
then I generally leave it another day or two
before looking at it again

I dont count food in the above
Food is a necessity and a way of life
I am thankful that nowadays,
I can afford to buy
the organic, fresh food that I used to
and that I do buy this stuff
and eat it, not let it rot in the fridge
and have the choice to eat the odd
KFC, Krispy Kreme and Egg Custard!!

I feel blessed for this, not guilty
that I can
as i know this is not everyones experience