Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Physical stuff, Study, Keep Coming Back

It all seems to be the physical stuff at the moment
No poor me's, just observations
I need to keep an eye on
see how long I drop into avoiding the GP
this is a way of keeping an eye on myself!!
The old injury in my shoulder
is now affecting my excersize
will rest it a while longer
if still persisting in a week
will see the GP
yoga 4 times a week
much shoulder and arm rotation
is bound to do something
my shoulders need rotating and working on
but pain of this kind is not good
so I am told
more rest of a different kind
even leaning on my arms does not help
better posture
suprisingly eases the pain!!

Study group tonight
small turn out of 2
people are interested
and agree its a good idea
but few take action
its early days
I get alot from it
even with 2 of us
like I said tonight
even if no-one turned up
I would stay and study for that time
so I win win whatever happens
reminds me of turning up at my homegroup
week after week, willing, for the newcomer
regardless of who else came
see how important "KEEPING COMING BACK"
which used to be the regular thing
said to me, when
I didnt get what was going on in recovery
or why I came to a meeting?
or just why bother getting up?
or whats the point in doing step4 and 5?
I still dont think it will ever work..
or just how longs it gonna take?
Keep coming back is now imprinted in my head
it is for me now is now being transferred to
practiced in another area of my life/my affairs
its effortless for me to turn up week after week
easier than setting the time aside at home
to do it alone...
I know I will benefit
this discipline does not let me down
some weeks it will be better than others
some weeks I will wonder why I bothered
its inevitable
but thats exactly how life is!

food blog

I am getting a little
mischeivous and starting scheming
in my head... this means a couple of things
either I need to do work with more AA newcomers
AND OR I need to read more of what I am studying
or I need to focus at work and ask for more stuff
either way... I have too much thinking time on my hands
to think and make up irrevelent and unhelpful... dishonest
things to do... and it WILL get me in trouble
in some shape or form!

It Takes Discipline and effort

to continue with a reformed
consciuos disciplined good food
dare I say it regime
but its true
my dad came down the other weekend
and my usual day for shopping
for my recipe of the week
went out the window
I have still not got nack in the swing
I have food left over which I can eat
but the reserves are about over

I have noticed
no matter what I eat
if i dont eat breakfast
the whole mood of the day doesnt get with it
all is affected

Breakfast is an important meal
it kickstarts it all
a cuppa tea is not enough
for me

Monday, January 28, 2008

Physical Health and God (as I understand Him)

Physical Health
Very Good news
Lump is reducing and not painful
its just there
I am very tired though
Worrying internally
even though I am letting go
or trying to anyway !
taking it a little easier
and carrying on at the same time

Kathy made me think about
God in her post today
I always wanted to be some kind
of spiritual, good person, wise ?!
but had no idea how the hell to get there
I spent alot of time thinking about
retreats, prayers, meditation, yoga, tai chi
and fleetingly tried many of these and more
but didnt STICK at anything
I didnt keep coming back
Or I assumed because I didnt GET it
after 1 time it wasnt for me
or I wasnt good enough
or other people were better at it
or it would take too long to learn
I couldnt commit
I wouldnt work for what I wanted

AA has given me a desire to commit
to honesty, willingness, openminded, humility
forgiveness, integrity, love, discipline
a desire to keep coming back to classes
to prayer, to yoga, to inventory
to meetings, church even
a desire to devote time and effort
into God, well improving my relationship
with Him
Some minute by minute, some daily, some weekly
some monthly, some yearly
I am committed

Its true Kathy, without AA I would not
have done these and found the love and desire
that I have to continue and improve
my relationship with Him
I would/may have remained alone in my search
floundering and hopeless
dying alone... one would say

I love AA, for helping me find God and myself

But he had found God-and in finding God had found himself P158

Thanks Kathy x

Saturday, January 26, 2008


A well-known doctor, chief physician at a nationally prominent hospital specializing in alcoholic and drug addiction Pxxi

I attended a patient who, though he had been a competent businessman of good earning capacity, was an alcoholic of a type I had come to regard as hopeless. Pxxi

Competent business woman? yep all the qualifications, lots of effort, but couldnt do a days work and add value to the profits of the company consistantly!

Hopeless? Yes, no matter how much effort I tried to do what the asked, I couldnt, I lost hope.

As part of his rehabilitation he commenced to present his conceptions to other alcoholics, impressing upon them that they must do likewise with still others Pxxi

present conceptions to other alcoholics? Yes, I must Pass it on, give it away to keep it? What? My peace of mind... my attitude? yes to maintain this I have to be willing to pass on EVERYTHING that has been passed on to me, everything I have heard and everything I have done... sounds alot, but its not that hard really, it just means being willing to be of service, whenever the situations arises, compassion for new people, patience, keep it simple, anyone that needs it, just like what was done for me! The key is just to be willing and try... regardless.

This man and over one hundred others appear to have recovered.
From what? A Hopeless state

have I? yes
Do I ever feel hopeless? without hope? fleetingly, and then I pray or pick up the phone... and it passes and I get grateful again

These men may well have a remedy for thousands of such situations xxiv
There may well be no such thing as a hopeless case...

I thought it couldnt work for me? yes, and I was wrong, it even worked for me.

more later
I am tired
thanks for all your well wishes
God Bless

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Tapas Lunch out

Good restaurant
Reasonable portions
Lots of windows
Nice atmosphere
during the day
Good vegetarian selection to choose from
though not if you intend going every week
as limited
La Rueda
We had a big selection of Tapas
Though there is A la Carte toooooo
not too busy either
1pm ish in the week
no need to book

Lunch out and seeking advice, I dont always know whats best

Lunch out today a treat for ! Christmas
Was good
A couple of bottles of wine then?
whats it white or red?
I'll just have a bottle of mineral water please
Oh yeh thats right your off the wine
waiter comes, bottle of wine gets ordered
and I call him back cos the water isnt...
It reminded me yet again
how people just forget
to me its no big deal they forget
in a way its a compliment
I am not really that important
I dont hold the fact that I dont drink
as any importance in their lives
I prefer water
The smell of a full bodied rioja
was as lovely as ever though I have to admit :)
Food was great
La Rueda
vegetarian selection tasty too
I waas tempted with the prawns and octopus... but didnt today

Seeking advice
called up the clinic
they refered me back to GP as I had been discharged
GP kindly called me back
and suggested I see how it is in a week
if no change
he will refer
it may be gone by then!!
Its true I know
It has gone on its own before
or dispersed in time
Once again patience is required
Trust and continue with life and breathing
no predicting
I have faith

Early night tonight
I surrender

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Study - I need a Prayer but not Pity please and H.A.L.T.

Started a study group this week
its off the ground
and already I see its benefiting
talking things through out loud
in a group helps
motivating too
me and a few others
set a few ground rules
like no a time to do each others homework!
and the next modules havent even started yet!
Way Hay!!

Prayer not pity for me please
I have a couple of physical issues going on
As in previous times
DO NOT DELAY in taking action is the key
One is regarding an old injury which has become
inflamed, and I have to rest or not aggravate
The other is same old same old...
Mind and spirit up for the challenge of new modules
Body really isnt interested
And its reacted... THEYRE BACK
Breast lumps ARE back
I have been kinda half knowing this the last couple of days
I check myself regularly as
cancer and breast cysts are in our family
and in me on several occasions in the last 4 years
cysts and lumps that is
Tonight in the shower cubicle at the gym
I checked yet again, seriously
and then prayed
"God whats going on? Why me, again is it cos
I can handle anything with you and I know it?
I dont want to suffer and die. I want to study and work
please, what is it you want me to do and i'll do it,
but just at this moment I am not pleased with your timing"
God said make a phone call in the morning
God said dont worry about work
God said just do it

God said trust me
AGAIN no self pity around... its true
I am frustrated cos its just something else
I HADNT PLANNED in MY self centred ideas of how it should be!

A couple of phone calls tomorrow
Get the ball rolling, just like before
possible x-rays,
possible ultrasound or whatever they call it,
possible needle in to take a sample,
possible another visit
or he could just say after examining them
dont worry, you have a lovely pair of breasts
haha Dr's dont say that really, except.... in my dreams!
I can think of a number of jokes regarding
being long time single and going to
anylengths to get my breasts "examined"
but i wont!

But I will ask how seriously do you take
Breast and Testicular cancer?
Do you check regularly for lumps and changes?
In yourself or your partner?
Why not?

Nowadays many people do recover...

Please pray for me health and healing and the strength to be shown Gods will and the Power and strength to carry it out.

Why do I write all this personal stuff?
Why not? It helps me see how the principles work
all over the place, in ALL my affairs
It also helps me process what goes on
it also helps me see how progess is made
it also helps me see how grown up I am becoming
or how laid back I am about what was once a big deal to me!
Who knows it may help somewhere along the line
I am not the only one I know, by reading your blogs
But this is about today and whats happening with me today
I think it comes easy, cos I am so honest
I am far less fearless of what people think of me
and I am far less afraid of myself

I have noticed that when I dont eat breakast
or my meals are not at certain times
I crave the junk that I have not missed hardly
when I have eaten from the cookbook
Eat well and junk need not be a problem, it seems

See ya

Oh yeh, this for me is what being sober is all about
being fit mental, physical and spiritual
enough to run with ANY challeges life throws
yeh a change of diet, yoga, gym, eating, studying, working
holidays, resting, meeting, helping others, intergroups
Life IS Good! BUT Its not my business to put ANY conditions
on what I will and wont do for God, with God
to me, He is all powerful, so I have to put this to the test
in my own way, MY part of all this is to
try and fit my will along side Gods
and His job is... well I have absolutely no idea
Faith must be unconditional and unknowing

Why me?
Why not

Monday, January 21, 2008

I see through my mind not always through my eyes

This week I have been reminded 3 time
of the vigilance required
to NOT eat or drink alcohol

This week I ordered
Prawn sesame toast...
Had a tuna and mayonaise sandwich
and nearly at some pate... meat

Not because I didnt want to
not eat meat or fish anymore
because I never gave it a thought

But a couple or triangles of prawn toast
and someone saying its really prawny
It just dawned on me... that Its fish
and I decided not to
Do I want to today? No
So I gave the rest away

The pate... I realised before having any
and didnt

The tuna sandwich
I ordered it
then realised and ate it

See i'm not perfect
but I do see how difficult
making a life cahnge is
and how Powerful the mind is

If I really want this
I will call in God
But as I said at the beginning
I am not doing it to the extreme
At the moment I am pretty laid back
and enjoying it

Sunday, January 20, 2008

I have changed my mind on eating chicken - how has it spent its life?

Its no longer health reasons
Its in support for the love of chickens
and I do not support cruelty
Its a I care for the chicken decision

Its not about suggesting you dont eat anymore chicken either
its about having a think
about the chicken you eat and its welfare
eating a chicken raised cruely
or eating a chicken thats been raised with its welfare in mind

I have been all of these
organic only
free range
Chicken cottage

We even considered owning our own
chickens in the small freeholding
we nearly bought in our organic age
to grow our own produce and rear
owr own chicken and eggs
and have a better way of living
for ourselves
It sounds perfect to me even writing it now
How did I veer so far off the path?
I seem so far away from all of that at the moment

This year
I haven't eaten any
not because of
Hugh and Jamie
but I have been watching a few
of their programmes
about the way Britain
farms and eats chickens and eggs
and to be honest
I am appalled!
And completely F'CKED off
that the basic intensively farmed
is allowed to happen
I didnt know
95% of UK chicken sold are
battery grown
Any I have been supporting this!
What the hell happened to me
I fell asleep!

I strongly urge
anyone who buys a chicken
NOT to buy the cheapest
but to think about
how its spent its welfare during its life
I support Jamie and the RSPCA
if WE eat chicken
£1 extra is all it costs apparantly
to grow up a chicken more humanly
in a manner supported by the RSPCA
Check out the Freedom Foods labels

Standard intensive factory farming
Birth to slaughter in 36-39days
with amonia burns on its legs
through walking around in its own waste all its life
and staggering around cos its body has grown
too big for its legs to support it
because its been fast grown
and not being able to have light
because light could confuse it and its fellows
enough to turn some of them to cannabalism!
I've had enough
and for the £2.50 bird sold 2 for 1 in the shop
the farmer makes £0.03p
outrageous or what!

Find out what Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall
and Jamie Oliver are saying about chicken welfare.

Yoga and acting dishonestly gets more difficult

I didn't race out of bed this morning
But I did get to yoga on time again
I really like this Sunday morning time
the room is VERY bright
and the teacher has a different style
to my other teacher
many positions are similar
but she comes at it from a different angle
and I like that
I'm starting to get what I wanted
seeing how to use yoga in daily life
breathing in, stillness and letting go
awareness of self, honesty, listening
I love yoga!

Dishonesty becomes more difficult
Because I choose to try and live honestly

I usually buy a monthly travelcard
which gets me practically everywhere
I need to go around town
as often as i like
which ever mode of transport
any station (within the right zones)
without me having to think

A kind of sloth occurs
regarding just spending out £x each month
afforable, and just paying it out
no question
Dont get me wrong, I dont begrudge it
I just become aware of the amount
when I can to renew and
wondered how much a pay as you go
type would cost ME for the month
with all the journeys
and whether I would find that I am spending
extra money without realising it?
a cross check on value for money I suppose

I find that certain modes namely
overland trains I cant use the pay as you go
therefore I am limited in my commute to the
hot tub(e) each day or a bus ride
and I pay again for train rides

Many trains do not have ticket barriers
or ticket checkers on the trains
at the weekends..... see whats coming?

Today, I arrange to meet up with someone
which involves leaving my station (no ticket checks)
and getting of at another (again no ticket checks)
On the way back from yoga
I check trains running
AND notice the ticket machine is broken! Hear me cheer!
So i can get away with it??? a reasonable excuse
I return later to catch the train
Enter the station.... the ticket office is open
see I NOTICED IT....
Now how hard is it to Get down onto the platform
a) I have the money
b) I have the time before the trains coming
c) I made a deal NOT to live like that where possible!
I made to go down the stairs
and by the time I got to c)
I had turned around and bought a return ticket...

Its too hard and exhausting living in a lie
Now I have crossed a line
I cant go back
no matter how much I try
There is a mental defense
that kicks in
Gods will v my will (first thought, schemes and plans)
See I listen
these little challenges check out my integrity
To act dishonestly in this instance
would have instigated fear, pride, self pity
regret in me, and possibly a penalty fine!

I feel happy about
Steps 4,5,6,7 without them
ie before
I would have just gone and got away with it
and moved on once the journey was over
without real sense of being grounded in
why I acted that way
OR i may buy a ticket, may not
depends how SELF righteous I was feeling
Like yesterday
I used a bus its rare that your tickets
are checked, so I didnt....
And now its on my conscience
I almost feel like getting on a bus an paying
and getting off again to justify my action
see I am still living yesterdays dishonesty

God gave me an opportunity to change today
What (step10) Corrective measures?.... pay up
Its my peace of mind
that suffers... all for £0.90 saving yesterday!

see ya

ps. in my own attempt to act with Integrity
Heres another post from my Food blog

To thine own self be true

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Gratitude meeting at Home Group - Chapter 11 A Vision for You

We have shown how we got out from under. You say, "Yes, I’m willing. But am I to be consigned to a life where I shall be stupid, boring and glum, like some righteous people I see? I know I must get along without liquor, but how can I? Have you a sufficient substitute?" Yes, there is a substitute and it is vastly more than that. It is a fellowship in Alcoholics Anonymous. There you will find release from care, boredom and worry. Your imagination will be fired. Life will mean something at last. The most satisfactory years of your existence lie ahead. Thus we find the fellowship, and so will you. P152

Is my life stupid boring and glum? NO
Has my imagination been fired? YES
Can I get along without booze? YES
Did I find a sufficient substitute? God rocks!!

You are going to meet these new friends in your own community. Near you, alcoholics are dying helplessly like people in a sinking ship. If you live in a large place, there are hundreds. High and low, rich and poor, these are future fellows of Alcoholics Anonymous. Among them you will make lifelong friends. You will be bound to them with new and wonderful ties, for you will escape disaster together and you will commence shoulder to shoulder your common journey. Then you will know what it means to give of yourself that others may survive and rediscover life. You will learn the full meaning of "Love thy neighbor as thyself." P152/3

Found many friends all kinds of them! Life long friends? Yes
You will be bound to them with new and wonderful ties? Yeh I can agree with that

Have we become happy, respected, and useful once more? Yes I have
Have we risen out of such misery, bad repute and hopelessness? Risen up like angels

The age of miracles is till with us. Our own recovery proves that! P153

Just spent a good day with my Dad and his sig other
And it was pretty effortless
Inspite of being in crowds in town on a Saturday
they loved that bit aswell!!
It all went pretty swimmingly

I love miracles - Bring it on!!!

Page refs Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous

Thursday, January 17, 2008

A very good question..... refer to the Traditions

Gledwood asked...

Can I ask you something about AA~??

Is it true you are meant to turn up "sober"? Are there any rules about this?

Please tell as I'm fascinated. I've only been to 2 AA meetings and everyone but me there claimed to have pissed and shat the bed due to their drinking... my main prob's drugs so NA has been my main one

I'm not 100% sure about NA ... some people there seem to take it rather too literally without working it out for themselves... though having said that I've seen it does work for those who "keep coming back and work it"

please rsvp at my (main blog) if you can! many thanks!!

Go say Hi and share your experiences

Heres mine...

Hi Gledwood, thanks for stopping by. Good question!!

I must say that everything I will say, is my experience and my interpretation of the traditions in action TODAY. If you ask the same questions tomorrow, I may have learned something, looked at it from another angle and changed my mind on something! I do not speak for AA as a whole. GSO in York would give you more of a general take on this.

Ok, heres my take on it... got your coffee....ready??

"Sober" I am not sure exactly what you mean by this? not obviously drunk/24 hours+ continuous sobriety/had a drink but not noisy/not having mood altering substance inside them?

There are NO RULES that you HAVE to turn up to AA meetings sober full stop. There are no AA rules fullstop.

Most people I see at AA meetings havent drank that day i dont think!, some have though and are welcome. In the spirit of "Tradition 1 Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends upon A.A. unity". Some groups do ask "noisy drunks" to leave the meetings, and to come back when they are ready to hear the message. Most AA's I know will continue to offer support to that same "still suffering" outside of the meeting. It is said that the "noisy drunk" is not in a position AT THAT MOMENT to hear the message and the group must be protected for the newcomer who is ready THAT DAY. The group must continue to stay strong for the suffering alcoholic to come back to when they are ready to hear the message.

Also many people I know/meet come to AA meetings to pass on and hear the message of recovery, experience, strength and hope... as opposed to a listening to a noisy drunk, we did enough of that in pubs, some of us were the noisy drunk!!

Having said all that not everyone that turns up to an AA meeting having had a drink that day or hour is noisy, and most people I have met, who have had a drink just want to sit and be quiet and not want a big deal made of it. At my home groups we welcome anyone into an AA meeting whether had a drink or not.

I have seen a noisy drunk asked to leave a meeting when they continued to disrupt the meeting, AFTER being asked to be quiet politely. I have seen a fight break out, they didnt come back of their own accord, no-one barred them.

We are dealing with alcohol and alcoholics, lack of Power is massive, compassion is asked for. In the spirit of "Tradition 4 Each group should be autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or A.A. as a whole". you may have come across a meeting which has and will ask someone to leave, and thats probably because its the conscience of the group to do that. And Tradition 4 says thats ok.

One could say that its a fine line, to ask a drunk to leave, and not in the spirit of "Tradition 3. The only requirement for A.A. membership is a desire to stop drinking" BUT would you ask anyone if they have the desire to stop drinking, before letting them in a meeting? I wouldnt.

So for what its worth, I would only apply tradition 1, regarding the noisy drunk or someone disrupting the meeting fullstop, in asking someone to leave a meeting.

Regarding "everyone" sharing loss of bladder/bowel control. I always suggest to people if they can, try and not judge AA in a few meetings, and to stick with people they come across who seem comfortable and conduct themselves in a way which is appealing. And to stay away from people who dont. I notice you are in London, there are over 700 meetings, if you have a Where To Find meeting directory, try beginner or newcomer meetings and or step meetings... on the whole I find them more reliably message carrying... although I havent tried them all!! All meetings are different, Trad 4, if you keep on going you will eventually find what you are looking for.

I hope that answers your question. I wish you you much peace in your recovery, I haven't been to NA, so I cannot compare sorry. But if you are not sure which fellowship, and would like to try AA again, then give it another go?

Thanks for stopping by, great thought provoker!!

Recovery love


ps I just saw you said "my main prob's drugs so NA has been my main one"

so apologies where I said "if you are not sure which fellowship"

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

BAD NEWS January is popular for AA's to go out and drink - GOOD NEWS Go say Hi to ANN 4 DAYS SOBER

have you met Ann?
She is VERY new to AA day 4
and new to blogging
Go say Hi

BAD NEWS but ALSO GOOD NEWS as we offer a solution
I have had 2 x 12 step calls in two days
and have been passed over to me

(there are 100's of women like me in london taking calls
to try and help other women to their first meeting
if I had 2 for my area in 2 days, just imagine HOW MANY others
are calling up on other nights on other areas)
(there are just as many 12 step men too)

GET ON IT THERE IS ALWAYS A NEED - email me if you need
info on how to do this or call the telephone office,
or speak with your GSR
There are workshops NOT monthly though

To put it in perspective I had 4 12step calls in the whole of 2007
I just had 2 in 2 days
this reminds me to remind us

JANUARY, according to UK AA telephone helpline statistics

Do not get drawn into how well it went over Christmas - ITS HISTORY
OR THINK perhaps you dont need to go to that meeting tomorrow
or meet with your sponsor - YOU DO - GO ANYWAY
Or the poor mees of over spending, eating and lack of excersize
sort your AA stuff out NOW do not delay
If you have been slacking or coasting or whatever you call it?
get back on it
the programme, suggestions, meetings, reading the big book, get a sponsor

And if you havent been to a meeting yet
heres a realistic Official AA short vid
which may dispell some preconceived ideas
which i know I certainly had

For me I need to get back to basics
and get grounded again ASWELL

end of!

I am off the revision routine
and I juts have to hand it over
Its not going in and its not coming out
Ok I am off to read some stuff
and see what happens
keeping on keeping on

Monday, January 14, 2008

Breatfast & Main Meal sorted

practically enthusing about
this new food thing
I seem to be enjoying the
shopping making and eating
Its a great distraction
and time out whilst studying

and I eat healthier as a result
win win win

the vegetarian chilli went down
well in the office
smells delicious!!

so thats breakfast and main meal sorted
I am still abit lost on the last one
see I want instant perfection
as usual

Right i'm off for a bath!
and then more study

Nutrition and growth in this area - a track of my progress

I am eating well nowadays
I light of this new passion
which I am enjoying
I started this to track it

I am not sure how long it will last
the blogging i mean
but just for today

its all about the nutrition
and my new attitude to it

may integrate it into my main blog
I dunno yet
see how much stuff I write

It may end up more interesting!!!
to me anyway

ps. seems like a couple of you found it
a few days ago... cool! great feedback ladies thanks!

Sunday, January 13, 2008

How addicted to blogging are you?

How addicted to Blogging are you ?

I am LOL according to...

do I care ?

not today!

at last serious studying Hoo "frikkin" rah - the vinegar question, cooking, eating, yoga and of course playing around!!

learning this is a good distraction
this weekend

Donovan Leitch this is lovely :)


Yoga today, I am impressed
she took blocks away from me today
which means I have improved
on an asana that I struggled with for ages!
and even left out
it just shows to keep on with everything else
and eventually an area I struggle with
will start to become easier
keep on and eventually progress
will be made, even if its just an inch
or a little less of a grimace whilst attempting it!
instead of giving up because I cant do it all 1st time
this asana I started trying a year ago
Give time time as they say!
its true

Gods time not mine

The Vinegar debate is over for now
thank you for your comments
I am glad I asked
I'll let you know how I get on

back to my notes! big sigh

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Go with God and Fear at the same time...

I am finding that there is a process
of surrender I am going through in my studies


this is exactlu how its meant to be for me
at the moment

Its all slightly different
but at the same time its similar

I am in a period at the mo of
self will... needing to be in line with Gods will
and I am just about nearly there

not sure how
something to do with
accepting I am in fear
and just going through the motions
at the same time

Fear of failure
fear of not being able to remember anything
when I sit down on thursday
fear of regret

All this is blocking out God
EGO edging God out

i am not special or different
I am watching and listening to and reading
about other students
and their head stuff
and their physical stuff
and their mental anquish
and their methods
of getting through

and its all abit weird
and comforting at the same time

I am feeling quiet
Like I have said it all, ready to shut up
enough of the analysis and doubts
Doubts, lack of faith, EGO
I like feeling quiet
Hopefully am ready to listen now
I have eaten
vegetarian chilli and brown rice
the best tasting yet from Gilliam McKeith's cookbook
did some yoga today at home
and been on my knees again
washed my mouth out again with myrrh
it was good enough for Jesus! it's good enough for me
though I am not sure he was given it as
a cure for a gummmm infection
at the time, though as he was a baby...
... perhaps they teethed early in those days?

Back to the studying

The vinegar debate - use water instead

I have debated this one in my head for
quite a while now

Cooking with anything containing
alcohol is always a personal thing

So I ask the "audience" about vinegar

Cooking tonight is
vegetarian chilli
(bizarrely Gillian McKeith doesnt put say to
put any chilli in it!)
whatever, who am I to question the ninja

mostly vinegar is only 1 teaspoon which is a very small amount

so should I worry?
yeh I guess its not about worry
its whether I spend time thinking on it
have I decided ?
yeh I missed it out
used water as an alternative

Vinegar ? Whats your experience? Help please

I am still confused with vinegar
and I accept its all about personal choice
and alcohol gets cooked off often
I've stayed away from it for years now
because I a don't understand the stuff
the ingredients are not clear (for me)

The obvious ones
White wine vinegar
redwine vinegar
cider vinegar
I choose to stay away from

I really dont understand
what the distillation and fermentation process
means for me

malt, balsamic, rice all vinegars

At the end of the day
the amount of vinegar
I would put on or use
in recipes is small, almost non existant
1 teaspoon !?
but I would know its there

So I ask whats you experience?
Those who cook
what do you use?
what process have you gone through to
choose your vinegar?

Is there an alternative?

Even though you tell me
I may still be left in confusion
and continue just to miss it out
but I do value your experiences


And I can play the game of life.... to win

A change in attitude
Aim for perfection
settle for excellence
No comparison with anyone else's
idea of perfection
we all have a slightly different feel on things

There is a need for those seeking the Greater Good
in all areas of ALL professions and services
the wider the spectrum we are the better
millions of us trying to practice these principles all over the shop!
Only Good can come of it

Strive for what is Gods will
Not what you think you would like it to be
That would be self will

If you dont know
Ask to be shown
"God I will put this dilemma entirely in your hands
please show me what it is you want me to do
and give me the strength and Power to carry it out
whetever it is I will do it"

I have to mean it when I hand it over
Absolute faith, requires a faith
in an absolute loving God
(ie NOT a God you think may have a stick in his bag
or one which you think might throw
something at you in the future which
may not fit with your attitudes and beliefs today)
I do this prayer on my knees

Dusty - Goin Back
Rather a sad song - but I find it inspiring
It makes me reflect that
in recovery I have gone back
really, though gratefully at time
getting a second chance
drawing up all the good strings I left behind
previously left loose
hanging or severed
that were in the past
and its all coming together kinda nicely

looking at my last couple of posts
I wonder if I am arrogant wanting the best?
But you know
I was always (Pre-step5) afraid of the Best
I never thought I could ever be in any positions
which people would perceive as Power
I never thought I would be able to cope with it
when I got it...
If I got it I thougt I would be too afraid of what people think of me
Thats before I found a God
that know what to do
that comes from a position of Love
he talks and I listen!
I will still have fears, hurt pride, greed, self will
but I have a Loving Good God which will right size
all of this stuff...when I let him!

How do I know?
Because he does already
in the all life areas already
when I work with him and let him

I used to think if I had loads a money
I would get really lazy and wasteful
the truth is I am not
I get abit confused at times with it
and sometime I dont want it
and sometimes it starts to burn a hole
I wasnt sure what I would do if I had more money
but when I got it
I prayed and was shown
So I trust that when/if i get more again
I will be shown
If I ask

For toooooo long
I have settled for 2nd and 3rd
for toooo long I have sat in silence and fear
envy and frustration
and listened and watched others
work for and acheive/attain the greater Good
for too long I have had the ability
and NOT done anything

I have no idea
what the future holds
degree/no degree
first/third/drop out
job/no job
wife/no wife
4 limbs/0 limbs
healthy/heart disease/cancer/dementia
fears I have

Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps
I have two choices
Go for it with God
or not and be driven by fear and develop regrets

So I go for it
I am going for everything
I have found a voice
I have found willingness
I have found an open mind
and I am preparing strengthening it
Me and God and the Spirit of the Universe
we ARE going places
There is a First if I want or am capable of it
See I and no other human knows
whether I am or not... do they, that the truth!
So I am aiming for a First
Putting in the work
and if I miss or they no longer exist
well so be it

I want it
Bring it on!!
recovery Rocks

ps. Gummmms getting better
Gonna swish the salt again

Friday, January 11, 2008

Warrior of Light - More Paulo Coehlo, and some of my truth today

The Warrior of Light and the new year Issue nÂș 163

Knowing how to wait
The Warrior of Light needs time to himself. And he uses this time to rest and contemplate and contact the Soul of the World. He manages to meditate even in the middle of a combat.

On some occasions the warrior sits down, relaxes and lets everything that is happening around him go on happening. He looks around him as if he were a spectator, does not try to grow or diminish, just commits himself unresistingly to the movement of life.

Little by little everything that seemed so complicated becomes simple. And the warrior becomes happy.

Discovering the objective
When we want something, the whole Universe conspires in our favor. The Warrior of Light knows this.

That is why he takes great care with his thoughts. Hiding under a bunch of good intentions are desires that no-one dares confess to themselves: vengeance, self-destruction, guilt, fear of victory, macabre happiness at the tragedy of others.

The Universe does not judge: it conspires in favor of what we want. That is why the warrior is brave enough to look at the shadows of his soul and tries to illuminate them with the light of pardon.

The Warrior of Light is the master of his thoughts.

Understanding routine
There are moments when the warrior’s path goes through periods of routine. Then he applies a lesson given by Nachman of Bratzlav:

"If you can’t manage to concentrate, or if you are bothered about your day, you should repeat just one simple word, because that does the soul good. Don’t say anything else, just repeat that word no end of times without stopping. It will eventually lose its meaning, and then take on new significance. God will open the doors and you will end up using that simple word to express all that you wanted.”

When the warrior is forced to perform the same task over and over again, he uses this tactic and turns his work into prayer.

Celebrating the year that is ending
The warrior has lived each and every day of the year that has gone by, and even though he has lost some great battles, he has survived and here he is. This is a victory. This victory has cost many difficult moments, nights of doubts, endless days of waiting. Since ancient times, celebrating a triumph has been part of the ritual of life itself.

Commemorating is a rite of passage.

His companions look at the happiness of the Warrior of Light and think to themselves: “why does he do this? He could be beaten in his next combat. He may provoke the enemy’s fury.”

But the warrior knows the reason for his gesture. He gains strength from the best present that victory can offer: confidence.

The warrior celebrates the year that has come to an end so he can be stronger for tomorrow’s battles.

Johno's notes to self
Yesterdays history
tomorrows a mystery
todays a gift
thats why they call it the present
There is no fear in the present moment
unless you are being persued by a preditor
You can start your day/year/month any time you like
it doesnt have to be ruled by the "gregorian" calender

More notes
I am afraid today
God please remove my fear and direct my attention to what you would have me be
Thoughts passing through...
1. I want to feel alive
2. What can I take?
3. How can I get out of it (exam)
4. what if I fail?
5. Pull the duvet up more
6. Dont go to work!

Yeh I didnt go to work
woke up sick and afraid
resentment affects me physically
even when mentally and spiritually am on track
the physical... gives up
I needed the rest
Boss said... you need to be fit for youre xam!!
(I said yeh but, I need to be fit for work!)
Boss said, no worries, just so long as your fit for the xam!

See its true
When my motives are (on the whole) good...
The whole universe conspires to help me
it seems
I dont know why am sick, in the mouth
its not teeth its gummmms

Am off now, swill some salt
no more blogging till I have attempted
some writing!! PLEASE

It COULD just be one of them bugs going around!
I am a human after all... at times

I dont want to take ANYTHING
I don't do pills or potions atall
prescribed or over the counter
its just NOT my thing
Vitamin C slow release
is about as far as it goes
every now and then, when the onset of a cold starts
headaches and general pains, lethergy are usually down to
not doing step 10's and too many biscuits
dehydration, tiredness and hunger, and exhaustion
which I havent dealt with over a few days
resting on laurels around inventory and H.A.L.T
I find

Perhaps as I get older I will be forced to change
I dunno, again, wait and see
Perhaps I am the only one in the world that doesnt
do herbal remedies
well I do in away, but I make them up myself
fresh, ginger, lemon... ingredients like that
And I may be missing out
But well, I feel ok about it really
Having said all that
All suggestions are appreciated
keep the coming
I dont know when I may need them :)

Thanks for the encouragement friends :D

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Aduki Bean Stew & Millet Mash

Loads of good ingredients
but not really that tastey when it was all done

I can see how
I can improve on it next time
less water in the mash

I have to say
the food is filling
and I dont want to snack straight after
but its not delicious and grabbing me
Sorry Gillian!

I will keep on
another bout of the above today

then find another couple of
recipes for next week

Didnt eat breakfast today
Had a starbucks chai latte
and some pringles...
and a boaght cheese and pickle sandwich
not for breakfast i m,ight add... all that in the early evening

Its the bread and sugar I need to watch
I get really tired after
REALLY tired

Also need to find something to eat
on the move thats not bread

Mental, Physical, Spiritual I need unity at the moment...

I got honest
Prayed for willingness
Prayed for sloth to be removed
Prayed for all my difficulties to be removed
so that victory over them MAY bear witness
to those I may help, of thy power

and guess what I did some studying
not enough yet
but abit

driven by God
and willing to put in the action
mentally I am more up for it

My physical body's decided it doesnt want to
I have toothache, rather face-ache!
(yeh all face ache jokes allowed, bring em on!)

Physical pain is tiring
Why is it when I need to make a change
something big
and mentally, spiritually I prepare
more often or not, my physical says no!

Good luck Irish Friend with
the next step of your studies
put in the footwork, let go of the outcome
Go for Gold
Let Go Let God

Anylengths for me
is not staying in a job
I am proven to be brilliant at
even though you wouldnt know it
too see how "little" we appear to do each day!
we really do work hard
its just become effortless
like a well oiled machine
even my colleague
now talks about children instead of out partying
so maybe... its all naturally coming to an end
two hearts perhaps no longer in it

before I leave I am willing to train
or find someone to take over
to be equally as brilliant
and passionate about the position
as I have been to date
pass on everything I have learned
over the past years

To stay and continue
is preventing someone else
moving up a level ... growing
and for me to sit
in my brushed cotton pyjamas
lanquishing in easiness
will not sustain me long term
it will not hold my gaze
I will end up in resentment
blaming others
for the results of my own self will

I can no longer do this
I have the opportunity to apply this week
assistant manager... its NOT what I want to do
yeh the ego gets massaged! BUT heart will not be there
so I said no, for the time being
it conflicts with my studies
it conflicts with what appears to be Gods will at the moment
To take the opportunity
would give my mind another thing NEW to train up on

I either want to go to anylengths with studying
or I want half measures with something else!?
half measures appears dishonest today
and half measures always avail me nothing!

Growing up pains I am suffering from
manifesting ...in my mouth as toothache and faceache!!!
Gotta go and swish some more salty water around
my gummmmmmmms and swill
attractive huh! LOL

I HAVE to do MORE writing with a pen!!!
I cant just turn up to an exam next thursday
and write for 2 hours in those conditions
I havent written with a pen for
that long since 1997?
need to get my right hand ready

see ya

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Studying stuff

The future I dont what it will be like, how much money I will earn, or anything til I get there, or whether I will be able to do whats required...

I have no idea what the future holds I know that I have been given this opportunity, and its my job to do the work set and its VERY exciting. I have absolute faith that whatever I will be given, I will be able to handle it, whether it be a 6 figure salary or not! I cant imagine what any of it will be like, I almost darent go there. As long as I am driven by Good and not defects or my own thinking, it will all be flippin' amazin! I KNOW ITS GONNA BE AMAZIN, EXCITING AND THE BEST EVER WHEN i GET THERE!! I know what I think I would like, but then I knew what I thought I would like and be like 4 years ago, in 2008. And I am and it is MUCH better, I have VERY limited thinking at time. But not as limited as some people I know, God has opened my mind and I try and live with out limited on God Power.

I have absolute faith its going to be amazing, the future. I have no idea what it will be like though!

Self will run riot and lots of reading of step 3 in the big book, all of it. Especially at the moment when there is no set timetable... its all about me, self discipline, doing the work when there is no one cracking the whip. Exam, I have to revise and attempt it, I have decided I will not get a good mark, so I will leave the revision til the last possible moment, to justify it, and tell myself I will do it different next semester... instead of just getting on with it now.

Its easy for me to start predicting the future and daydream in today

Just do today, then do the next week, and then the week after.

Otherwise I do nothing, which is what I want to do... its actually sabotage myself.

Fear and sloth... the termites that sabotage the new life we are building... Predicting the future and all its holds, is NOT helpful in today, is it?

Keep it simple...
No need to be scared, of money, prestige and property... its what I do with it and my attitude to it that really matters (in my opinion)

Money is not evil. Arrogance and grandiose exists even in those without, who sit in judgement of those who do, without really knowing what they do with it.

There will always be some who are grandiose, with and without money. Having had a spiritual awakening we have the choice thesedays as to our attitude, ideals to work towards, continue and improve on.

We had a 2nd year give us 1st years a load of tips over coffee yesterday...

Stop thinking and just do it Johno.

Action more action. Enjoy the next bit of the journey.

For me, right now, I am in the darkest hour... just before the dawn, which will come after the exam on Thursday!

Thanks IFOBW you made me think, and just its an excuse to not study again tonight!

This is a friend of mine, he and his family are so lovely and he is a very humble, interesting and quirky. He also has flaws too. I aspire to be a little like him at the moment, but then really I would be just as happy to be myself. God is taking care of shaping me up nicely, when I let him!

I am not afraid, just driven by sloth and self will! at the moment.

And I have a resentment... intergroup tomorrow, how dare it disturb my study!! see how dishonest my thinking can be... Its not intergroup that stopps me studying.

I need to get over myself and just get on with it!

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

A legitimate day off - kick start the studying and to my home group

I didnt pull a sicky today
to do an exam revision
I took a days holiday
I had a yoga session at lunch time
coffee after with study group
and then shopping for
ingredients for next recipe
Found a load, still more to find though
Its not that easy... but theres tomorrow
Found the oat bran today!

Had quite a few phone calls today
invites for lunch and hot choc
new people struggling
pictures of boss skiiing
friend going away for a while
tying up lose ends

Home group tonight
God I have never had such a warm welcome
Its great to go back after 3months away
to find 3/4 of the people are still sober and still there!!
warm and friendly, message of hope and recovery
I love it
And I got a lift home tonight
talking about
hair, nails, manicure, eyelashes
we girls have turned into women!
planning girlie time out at the local gym,
sauna and a steam
meal after...

see its NOT all about
Gripping on by the finger nails
hanging onto for grim life
polystyrene cups and church halls
and plastic chairs
IT APPEARS to be at the beginning
but recovery... is so much more

Life begins, when we make that
decision to try and stay away from that
FIRST DRINK a day at a time
and we mean business!

I made a (ANOTHER) decision
to try and have
more face to face relationships this year
grow and maintain friendships
with those who want to
and continue to leave those that prefer texts
emails and yeh "we must do coffee" and
are ALWAYS to busy to themselves
leave them be

I am not the centre of the universe
I am not everyones cuppa tea
and likewise not everyone is mine!

As was reminded to me tonight and I will pass onto
you, here are some daily suggestions
which helped some of us get started on the programme
and help some of us stay sober today
whether you are on day 1 or day 1000
if you are restless irritable or discontented
these will help

Monday, January 07, 2008

Service and a cup of AA Tea

Shared my
Experience strength and hope
I really feel soooo good
Amazingly so
I feel the difference
in me when I walk in a meeting
I cant deny it
I am different
it would be dishonest to say otherwise
dishonest and disrespectful
to God the Spirit of the Universe and AA
honesty willingness and openmindedness
continue, improve and give it away
I feel even better when I left the meeting
high and lifted up
shining in the light of His glory (Tim Hughes)

Gratitude and Love

Recovery Love to everyone and everything

God, You and Spiritual Principles are doing a good job on me
and I like it

Hand In Hand with the Spirit of the Universe!
This definitely feels better than Cadbury's Dairy Milk chocolate

progress not perfection

I am eating the remnents of sugar
and integrating the new diet in
Am not one for all in extreme
I would like to be
But I know me... at the moment

I have a few physical things happening with me
since I got back home
am not sure what it is
change in temperature
change in diet
change in water
change in washing powder
nerves - studying and exams
all could be factors

small rash in arms
heat coming out
I got very hot over in Africa
and diet - change in "waste"
and the rash - could be change in water
or washinbg powder tooo
I have had it before
and it was just that
I am not ill with it
I get this when am nervous about big things
exams are big!

Going to pick another recipe
and give it ago

Sunday, January 06, 2008

Haricot Bean Loaf

yeh I tried a new recipe
theres something about spending time with my brother
a chef, with a passion for food
you should have seen the LIGHT chocolate cakes
we had over christmas
he makes then SO EFFORTLESSLY... so flippin yummy
if fact all his cooking is done efforlessly
he is planning 3 or four days before
what we are going to have...
frustrating at times, BUT its his life
he is, food is, preparation is, in him

So i who also love cooking
always come back with some inspiration
and motivation
and change in the food, culinary, nutrition dept
he has everything to keep it simple
yet not mountains of electrical items
simple utensils and baking stuff
that I had no idea how they worked

I just chucked out yet more stuff from home
charity shop etc
am really clearing out since coming home
and as Gillian McKeith said
clear out the clutter in the kitchen
I have stuff I have been given
bought with someone else
etc etc, an have no idea
whats in half my cupboards at the back
So I am being ruthless
and at the same time
went an bought in the sales
some new things which will inspire
and make me feel good to be using them
and want to use them
only some pans, a bamboo chopping board
some scales and baking trays
but me... i got excited!

and then out 3 trips
to get the ingredients to make
Haricot Bean Loaf
i forgot the list
then couldnt carry all my shoppping
but it didnt matter
I was making progress
No-one had any ginger until 7pm i found some
and then later got down to make it and
I couldnt find oat bran
so used some old porridge oats in the cupboard
and picked enough bran out of my brakfast cereal!
I have no idea, do I care? NO cooking needs to be fun
I didnt add any thing crazy did I!
then I read, Place ...... in a feood processor...
oh well... i havent got one!
yeh I wanted to just give up
but I didnt
I know from experience, my own
it doesnt have to be perfect
to taste good
I mushed it all by hand as IMPROVISE!
ended up eating around 9pm... oh well
I made a serious attempt!
the ingredients are all there
I improvised and God It tasted yummy and there
is plenty for today and tomorrow
It tastes yummy how it is
imagine how it would be if I has ALL the right equip?

Good for the brain
Good for studying
Good for the emotional, physical, spiritual
Soul Food!

How hard to find ginger, yoga and bed sheets... and studying

yeh I tried a new recipe
theres something about spending time with my brother
a chef, with a passion for food
you should have seen the LIGHT chocolate cakes
we had over christmas
he makes then SO EFFORTLESSLY... so flippin yummy
if fact all his cooking is done efforlessly
he is planning 3 or four days before
what we are going to have...
frustrating at times, BUT its his life
he is, food is, preparation is, in him

So i who also love cooking
always come back with some inspiration
and motivation
and change in the food, culinary, nutrition dept
he has everything to keep it simple
yet not mountains of electrical items
simple utensils and baking stuff
that I had no idea how they worked

I just chucked out yet more stuff from home
charity shop etc
am really clearing out since coming home
and as Gillian McKeith said
clear out the clutter in the kitchen
I have stuff I have been given
bought with someone else
etc etc, an have no idea
whats in half my cupboards at the back
So I am being ruthless
and at the same time
went an bought in the sales
some new things which will inspire
and make me feel good to be using them
and want to use them
only some pans, a bamboo chopping board
some scales and baking trays
but me... i got excited!

and then out 3 trips
to get the ingredients to make
Haricot Bean Loaf
i forgot the list
then couldnt carry all my shoppping
but it didnt matter
I was making progress
No-one had any ginger until 7pm i found some
and then later got down to make it and
I couldnt find oat bran
so used some old porridge oats in the cupboard
and picked enough bran out of my brakfast cereal!
I have no idea, do I care? NO cooking needs to be fun
I didnt add any thing crazy did I!
then I read, Place ...... in a feood processor...
oh well... i havent got one!
yeh I wanted to just give up
but I didnt
I know from experience, my own
it doesnt have to be perfect
to taste good
I mushed it all by hand as IMPROVISE!
ended up eating around 9pm... oh well
I made a serious attempt!
the ingredients are all there
I improvised and God It tasted yummy and there
is plenty for today and tomorrow
It tastes yummy how it is
imagine how it would be if I has ALL the right equip?

Good for the brain
Good for studying
Good for the emotional, physical, spiritual
Soul Food!

I treated myself to some 400 count sheets
a holiday gift to me
and spent time yesterday evening ironing them!
along with duvet
my bed is so luxurious
it was a pleasure to get in! and out of
I am looking for 600 count in the sales

Tried yoga at the gym this morning
Hatha yoga, I am used to Iyengar
and obviously the teacher was different
change is good, I have to re-learn
trust, listening and self awareness
in a different environment
but it came easier, I feel easier

All this is good progress
whats missing?

STUDYING!! I must study
I am putting blogging, and thinking before
studying, So I must try and change this a little
Exam on the 17th, I must prepare
Back to basics

Have a good sunday
The sun is shining here

Saturday, January 05, 2008

A new years decision - I am what I eat

I am not one for new years resolutions
So instead, I have made a decision
Its not really out of the blue
I have been thinking for a while to change my
eating habits again
allways improvements can be made

A new blog to track what happens
I have no idea whats going to happen
but seems like a good idea today

I've been down the gyn today
So am off now
to buy some food
start this thing

The idea is to stay off meat
Why? it feels the right thing to do
I am very lethargic when I eat meat
red meat that is
I eat red meat about 6 times a year
so am not really afflicted
BUT I can a KFC habit 1-2 times a week
late at night
which I want to kick into touch
moving flats isnt really
what I want to do to avoid the KFC!!

i'm off to the charity shop
I found a copy of the book
Eat Right for your type
So i'm off to pick it up!

Also I got bought
Gillian McKeiths's book too
So am in for an interesting time of it!

Flying is not one of my passions - its a means to an end

Much praying
Much faith
much drawing on the calmness of others
and letting go
trusting God
gets me through

Our captain apologised on Wednesday morning
cos he predicted our flight so wrong
like he said we spent most of the night
shakin all over
instead of the smooth ride he predicted

My state in flight and just before
is neurotic fear - irrational
I accept that
I have no idea how to change
its gradually lessening the more do it
and the more faith I have
I actually enjoy the entertainment
and try and get my "moneys worth"
if nothing else!! thesedays
the bumpy bits do put the fear up me though!

I was watching the video to St Elmo's Fire
at the Gym and came across this!

It has changed my view
This is 9.39 minutes of ANYLENGTHS
its shows me exactly
what and aircraft DEALS WITH
extreme conditions

I have no choice to let goi of this OLD IDEA
of a plane simply being a metal cylinder
hurtling through the air
and I cant get off
there is NO randomness to flight
Its MUCH more than that
years of experience
a process
skill, practice
and passion! it seems
I have to strip away my arrogance
and Let Go

If you have the time
watch the captain gives a written
the 6.30 minutes is worth waiting for!!

Crew, captains, hosts and hostesses
testers, builders and designers and God
Theres just one word that springs to mind


These guys are flying through Iraq
it doesnt say what kind of flight
But they have a thunderstorm one side
and Iran the other
so they have no choice but to

St Elmo's Fire
St Elmo's Fire from the movie
St Elmo's Fire - The inspiration behind the lyrics

I have always loved the film and the music to St Elmo's Fire
It helped me through many a difficult
Isolation period... identification
on the silver screen

Friday, January 04, 2008

I cant feel sorry for myself - Misery is impossible!!!!!!!

I have been trying really hard to
well not that hard really
just trying or expecting it cos I believe its what I should feel
but I cant ... I cant sit in self pity
I am grateful cos I am not really
anything when am full of it!
and it takes ages to climb out

I have reached a level of acceptance
and am accepting thats exactly how its meant to be

The devastation, sulking
has NOT reared up
and I even laughed at it all today
without having to talk it out
with a few
just you
and one other
and God

yes I am want it all MY WAY
I know its not possible
and its not aftecting every area of my life

Still ate, worked, laughed, did the right things
Home group was coool tnite
Good to be back

trying to live in the solution is the easier softer way
battling with what I cant have is not

I prayed more than twice for the pair of them
to have everything I could possibly wish for myself
and more than twice for each of them just incase...
they are sick like me!
whatever, I feel better for it :)

thanks for ALL your comments guys and gals
I appreciate all your xperience
its what I need to hear

day 1 of 14
continue to pray for those I am resentful at

have a good weekend

Thursday, January 03, 2008

The truth is now out

When the line goes
I spent Christmas at xxxx's mums
TRUTH just came up to my face and looked me in the eye
or jumped off the page
The truth hurts at times but I prefer to know
Its getting easier to find out sooner than later

My Interest has a significant other (groan)
So I have to let go (more groaning)
Well that is what God tells me
Hand it over
self wills creaking under the strain
I predict a riot!
So before it happend
I have to remind myself of the deal
I made to do the right thing
do anything as long as its not destructive
I added on the end of the
... to myself or others

I chose to try to walk the path of righteousness
Hand in Hand with the spirit of the Universe
not veer off into a dishonest
wrestling with a herd of pigs
when I can blatently see it ahead or next to me

I choose not to live infant..asy
old thinking
hanging on to what is not IN THE HERE AND NOW
there is no room for me
when there is someone else
and so I must not hang around
wishing and hoping or nudging along
there is no point and thats self will
I have done enough of this in the past
Self will run riot P62
Time to read Step 3 again and again and again
another desicion on yet another area of my life

First thought
Well have to cease all contact
Stop going where we both go
(which is where we met)
and sulk

There has been nothing going on
no flirting, I dont think so anyway
its just been simple really
and more friendly as times gone on

But I dont want to do any of that
First thought stuff ANYMORE
If I cease and avoid ALL people I get feelings for
I would have to live in Greenland
and even then the eskimo's would not be safe

So for now
I choose to keep on keeping on
grow this friendship
accept it as a friendship
and pray for my interest and
significant other, and wish them well
grit teeth initially, I know the praying
will get easier and it works
its true

No fantasy
no hanging around

If you love someone you have to let them go
if they are meant to come back... they will
its none of my business
I have no idea how cupid works... do you?

I know what the relationship is, boundaries are set
and its ok for it to stay that way
the friendship is growing and its lovely
If I can't handle it
or should I say my head cant handle it
then I have to be honest and walk away

Its worked in the past
It has to be done
again and again
It is the easier softer way

I have spent too long
hanging around waiting
or getting involved with
people in relationships
who think the grass is greener
or who I think there grass will be greener
and it isnt
Its a lie

I cant deal with the head 'uck
of a double life
or with someone else's double life
and its not what I agreed with God
when I did Step 4
I don't want to be like that anymore

being single
has its moments of self pity
but generally its far better and richer
being single and honest
than half measures in or out of dishonest fantasy
I cant do half measures
they avail me nothing!

Let Go and let God

ok, I have to pray for them for the next 2 weeks
twice a day or more if required
and see what happens

ultimately I am prepared after
going to anylengths
to walk down a different street

Is this what they mean by
the road gets narrower
and it gets more difficult
to NOT do the right thing?

More Growing up pains, I am feeling

I'm off down t'gym show off my tan
and good looks

see y'all

desperado... this is how I use to be
I am coming to my senses

These things that pleased me, hurt me
Now it seems to me, some fine things
Have been laid upon your table
But you only want the ones that you can’t get

There's someone out here
I just haven't found 'em yet
or did I just let someone go a while back?
Cos I was just to scared to say what I wanted
and too sick at the time anyway
to have any hope of anything
but a hostage situation

I can see now
that its possible
to let someone in
and let them out again

God help me please
while i'm at the gym
help me process this stuff

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

A new years decision - You are what you eat... H.A.L.T.

the last 12 weeks
I have really seen how
DIET thats diet generally, not the slimming kind
really affects me positively
mental, physical and ultimately spiritually

I have made a decision
and accept it will be progress not perfection
to make a serious effort in changing
and improving what I eat

I have to say, I do eat better than most
however there are improvements which can be made

I used to eat 90% organic
convincing myself it really did balance out
all excessive vodka and wine
even organic... natural ? wines P31
well it did balance it... didnt it?

Pre recovery, I ended up malnourished
with no diet really
just eating barely enough
not unlike many practicing alkys

Early recovery
I was afraid to go in supermarkets
the booze aisle shouting out COME AND GET IT
I relied on takeaways KFC's and sandwiches
anythings better than nothing

When I did get my enthusiasm for cooking
resentment set in
I couldnt add redwine or alcohol to anything
even though some say it cook out
(its my choice... I have to live with my head)
so I didnt do anything

A couple of years ago
I realised... one of those God moments
that I didnt have to change everything
Just try with breakast
So I set out on a hunt to find a breakfast
I like which is "healthy"
And I still eat tat breakfast today
Its £4 a box
But to me, its pretty worth it
I like it, I eat it and its good for me
I have to warm the soya milk up
cos I am ? whatever it dont matter
whetver gets me eating healthy
Just 'uckin do it!
Cold milk is not attrcative to me first thing in the morning
So why FORCE myself
I have to make eating enjoyable to me
or I dont do it! its true

Do I eat a healthy breakfast every day?
No but I do eat breakfast everyday
either before I leave
at work
or grabbing something unhealthy before 10am
mostly its the healthy option
as I have more time and take more time
on being good to me
and I do say no to the unhealthy option more
Am blessed at work to have
fridges and cupboards micro's and dishwashers
so there is no excuse really
but I accept progress not perfection
so I blame no-one if H.A.L.T.
HUNGRY leads to brainfuzz
or easily distracted or self pity
or oversensitiveness

Where am I going with this?
less meat
more veg or the like
I definitely feel better

I spent the last 2 weeks
with carnivores to the extreme
holiday season in Sth Africa
is Braai's big style meat meat meat
thankfully there was a vegetarian
in amonsgt us so I got balance

But it made me think
I don't want to randomly hit and miss
the other 2 meals or the other stuff I eat
I need and would like more structure

The eating right for your type
depending on your blood type
diet keeps popping up
so am looking into this at the moment
and will let you know how I get on

Did I go to any meetings out there
Did I miss it ?
I dont think so
Yeh I could have gone to do service
But I realise service doesnt just happen in meetings
I help the newcomer plenty and will continue to
I feel no guilt. Do I?

step 10's and prayers
a heap of tools, like
restaint of tongue and prayer
praying for people
letting go of defects
an attitude of service
obviously the essential mental defence
which has and is in place

Usually I gag to get back to a meeting
post holiday
a feeling I have to
but not this time
Am I cured ? no definitely not
but the need for a meeting to get me back
in... in to what? am note sure of that either
on track, into routine, grounded I suppose
am not sure I havent been grounded all the way
through these few weeks
practicing with the tools I had
and trusting God at all times
Not taking risks
and trying to be of maximum helpfulness
at all times
even if that meant stepping away from a situation
and washing up and a unearthly hour
I returened with a different head
and there were was clean dishes in the morning
I love the win win actions

I definitely think being reminded
I am powerless over alcohol
Not sick anymore
has changed my thinking yet again
mobile phones and text/sms's
means the fellowship is always near

Anyway enough for me
I'm off to roast some veg
its cold and wintery here
I have been back and took a bag of
clothes to the charity shop
thrown out a few things
and stocked up my fridge
and thrown out a few old ideas

So the decision has been made
Step 3 on this area of my life
Turned it over and willing to improve
2008 a year of being good to me
Cos i'm worth it

Turn it up loud
and enjoy
Recovery rocks!!
So does Tina ... Go Girl
Better be good to me

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

Happy New Year

Happy new year

Have to say I have a good holiday
I have also learned alot
about humans
and the unnecessary competitive nature
of the female species

Much as I love my brother
I live in the same country as him
Looking forward going home
and back to my routine

I'm off to board a plane

Bye for now

and congrats to our Irish Friend the old timer
21 years of continuous sobriety
keep on keeping on

have fun y'all