Programme of Action

Last week

Went into Meditation
Listening
and Prayer time
speaking
With God a I understand Him

Prompted to write a gratitude list
thats it?

next day
Huge wave of sadness and loss
unclear exactly what

next day
feelings of loss
feelings of change
not sure what still

next day
heart broken
soul unprotected
soul told me what it needed
soul told me what I was/nt doing
I heard what I needed to hear

and did what I needed to do

Its about
honesty
willingness
openminded
humility

raw, naked, vulnerable
and turned up breathing the next day
and started on a new footing
more honest again
this is about me
my actions and motives

Keep on Keeping on
programme of action
not thinking

do not delay

yeh its raw and hurts
and punctures my ego
but nothing like
the continual misery and hopelessness
I used to feel

this recovering emotional cripple
is getting cooked

I still cant quite believe
the chain of events last week
internal shift and external I suppose

The age of miracles is till with us p153

Growing pains
:)

frrrrreeeeezin here

No meeting? Read a story in big book - connect with

Last night i made decision
To go home
Not home group
Had done responsible
Made others aware of
Posibility
Made sure, as i could be
My roles would be filled
This left me free to choose

Anylengths ?
Common sense prevails
Not bunking off
Not sloth
Not dishonesr
Not avoiding
They shut my station due to weather
London tube unreliable
Therefore i made way home
While i could
What this tell me?
I can delegate!? Let go of baton
I dont have to run show
I dont have anythng to prove
Our group is committed
We are there for each other
And the newcomer
None of us is in charge
Meeting went on inspite of
weather n me :-)

I was gutted to not go
There's times when i miss
My friday eve crew
And times when i dont!!
Yo grow to love your homegroup
Buddies, they are friends
I asked them to think of me
In few moments of silence

Also gutted cos i need a hair cut!!
I have photo taken sunday
And wanted it how i want it!!
No vanity in my defects!! :-)

Went home n read story from big book
My experience is reading a story outloud
Connects me with You
Everytime, sometimes i need to read
More than one
But it works
Everytime

Anyway anylengths
Going home not going to meeting
Going without haircut not giving into vanity
Making time at home to read big book story
Meditate on its relevance to me
Feel gratitude for AA

Am I wasting the Grace I have been given?

you know these emails we get
most of them ditch
well I get one last week
with a picture of a child with stitches
all down her face...

Today I receive a
social transformation newsletter
from HTB
with details that the Eden network
are coming to london

I watched this blog vid Breathing Life
You can pause the mini commentary
which auto starts in the top left corner
(if you prefer)

I was sitting at work today
commuted on the train
sat in the office
wondering
what am I doing here?
Why am I here?
I AM wasting time
I am wasting Grace

On Saturday I was at a welcome
party for new Salvation Army Officers
William Booth training college
it was awesome.

A question asked was

If you have been given Grace
are you wasting it?

am I wasting the Grace
that I have been given?

Its time to change
I have been given everything and more
than I could ever have wished for

I love by the sea
I have my own place
I have a garden
I have a pet
I have friends
I have good neighbours
I have a church
I have freedom
I have no desire to drink or self harm

yes I can come up with some dark stuff
I ALWAYS WILL!! :)

I want do do something
people matter

Its not about making money
God provides...

I have gone through a process of
letting go and understanding
what Grace is
and improving my conscious contact
with God Jesus Holy Spirit
and it seems more than enough
It is holding my gaze
it isnt an approval seeking
excersize to ease my loneliness
although it does!
It is a real feeling
that is going deeper and deeper
into my soul

Freely am I making contact with this spirit
I am becoming at one withy my creator
and all that it means

I cannot sit here
by the sea and enjoy
without doing something
It makes me happy being here
but it will NOT sustain my soul
the sea and fresh air and safe surroundings
is not enough

I wanted to study Law
I was given the chance
Its not for me long term
I learned so much along the journey

I wanted to live by the sea
I am, I love it
I do not need it permanently

I have fresh air
I love it

I feel that all that I have
is a gift
I get so much and yet
I dont feel as though
I will ever be able to
repay back what I have been given

Dignity
Love
A purpose
A reason to be here
meaningful existance
tools to make a difference
Discipline

Out of hopeless state of body and mind
I have become a disciple
willingly
You made a difference
and now so do I

No time to waste
Grace is a precious commodity
freely given to all
I feel it

Its Gold, Pure Gold
(I just cried)

My soul is at One
and is crying out
so much that I feel sick
frustration?

Have you felt like that?

I am at a turning point
We asken his protection
and care with complete abandon?

Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. we asked His protection and care with complete abandon. p59

We were now at Step Three. Many of us said to our Maker, as we understood Him: "God, I offer myself to Thee-to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!" p63

Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God’s will into all of our activities. “How can I best serve Thee-Thy will (not mine) be done.” These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our will power along this line all we wish. It is the proper use of the will. p.85

Gratitude in Action
Belief in Action

God grant me the courage
to accept the things I cannot change
courage to change the things I cant
and wisdom to know the difference

Faith without works is dead p.76

Final 2008 performance review at work

Highly effective
including a hiccup...
took action to resolve them
overall result...

highly effective
maintained ALL year!!

Programme works!

5 years ago...
i was on a manage me out
programme for poor performance..

In Gods time
with Gods help
practicing the principles
good sponsorship
prayer
and willingness

acceptance
courage
wisdom

Happy Birthday - Elvis Presley - Gods chief choirboy

a little less conversation
a little more action

tools of the recovery

studying at last!!!!!!!
after spending
many days
flying round
facebook
and other distractions
managing to burn myself
on hot water
NOT PAYING ATTENTION!

Action

have fun
get honest
pray
grow
trust God
help others
clean house
find gratitude
pass it on
have fun
get honest
pray
grow
trust God
help others
clean house
find gratitude
pass it on

ordinary living

not sure
where I am at
So I am not saying very much at the moment
just doing the actions
in all areas
not really thinking
much

back to prayer
and learning who God is!
and how he lived and died

part of me is feeling peaceful
and part of me is standing with the challenge
faith is huge
I know that I can make it (with You)
though theyre doing me wrong
something inside is strong
and prayer is keeping me strong inside
keeping the light shining brightly
though it flickers and almost snuffs out (it feels)
even when though outside seems hard and emotionless
yet really it is burning steadily
even when I dont think it is
something inside so strong
IT IS

is this for real? yes
in whose name?


faith and prayer
allows me to do things with dignity
i have no idea why I am being asked
to do these things
gonna do it anyway

We are sure God wants us to be happy, joyous, and free.P133

I am coming to realise
that people do not understand
how the heck I am like I am
thats AA's and not AA's
its pretty frustrating
at times
when all i do
is ask God what he wants me to do next
listen and then do
sometimes its absurd
sometimes it isnt
I take action
the doors shut by themselves
when its not Gods will

There is oly certain people
I can say to
Moving somewhere
because God gave me the idea...
sounds pretty absurd
but its true
I have put in the action
the doors are just opening
so far!

Finding peace and help the stil suffering alky..
its enough for now!

Its about looking outside the
restricting view of life
I can have so easily
I can live anywhere
do anything
if i put the work in
freedom
So many people
walki around feeling like
spiritial life and or religion is the way forward
and for some it is
i do not agree that either has to be a life
of suffering
I feel like I have already
been to hell and am now in heaven
simply by following the dictates
or rather the firm direction
of a loving higher power
God

Recently I have been reading about Jesus
and I am learning to love this man
in a way I never have before
and it seems hard for a few Christian friends
of mine to understand
that I can and do live the spiritual life
and am learning to love this Jesus
and grateful for what he did
and gave us
yet I do not feel the need to turn my will and life
over to Jesus
its God I have
its only the Christians
that turn around and say
well God is Jesus
like i really want to argue
nope!
this guy may well have come to save us
and for that I am grateful
but if he is also God
why do i need to turn over to JC
its not appealing yet!
and a few friends without releigion
think I am a Christian
they say no-one but Christians
dont drink, smoke, remain celibate
and dont eat meat
extraordinary
yet I know quite a few Christian
that abstain from none of the above

God gives me what I need
directly
and indirectly
God bless
Christians, Jews, Buddhists
and those like me
that just call him God
and try
keep it simple

Get behind me satan
to the suffering inside and outside the rooms
that find fault in the happy joyous freedom
I am receiving from
what appears to be practicing the principles
anylengths
given to me by AA and God
and want to label me
into something
that I dont feel to be true
A few people outside of AA
just do not get it
and neither do I
but I do it anyway

Its amazing how many people
find fault in what is good
before accepting the good
and saying fantastic!
some people dont say anything
like I just said I have cancer...
extraordinary, disbelieving
but its true
it it just keeps coming

it doesnt say
God wants us happy joyeous and free
just the once
and if you miss it its too late
or you can have it once and then resume
the suffering and frustration
does it?

I have my dark moments
as you know
however I was never promised perfection
I DO however experience perfection
for moments
and just like the darkest times
perfection also passes :)
see even that people find hard to accept

Am I the only person
who can admit to acheiving/receiving
at times perfection?
Life does really get better and better
yes it will plateau off
and then resume upwards towards
perfection that is God

yes I worried yesterday
I am nearing the end of my dreams
perhaps I am gonna die soon then!?

When someone asks you how would that be?
have you ever replied Perfect

Engaging and interacting
with all walks of life
and actually talking
has its downsides!
yep I have to listen to responses!!
Family, Friends, fellows, workmates
all react in different ways
its interesting
and challenging

ok, I have some prayers to do
this is all too hard on my own
and i'll end up resenting everyone and everything
including myself
rejecting the world
and staying in lonely and isolated
like the ... good old days haha
raar!

Know God will help me embrace it all
standing up looking straight ahead

Know God
Know Peace

We are sure God wants us to be happy, joyous, and free. We cannot subscribe to the belief that this life is a vale of tears, though it once was just that for many of us. But it is clear that we made our own misery. God didn’t do it. Avoid then, the deliberate manufacture of misery, but if trouble comes, cheerfully capitalize it as an opportunity to demonstrate His omnipotence.P133

Sleep as you can not as you can't

I wondered why I was sleeping and sleepy
what seemed like the whole weekend
I forgot that I had been out everynight
doing fitness or AA or other
and obviously thought that
I SHOULD be up and about continuously
at the weekend to

Out til nearly midnight Friday
Prison service Saturday afternoon
and out a while Sunday at Church
I have to remember that
this is more than many do...
and its healthy stuff aswell

Sleep is essential
as is regular eating
I am trying to ensure
I keep a balance on both

I spent much of the weekend
praying for guidance
His will, His words, His direction
and listening to those
who have what want
following suggestions
and taking small steps
in doing what they do
or did at the beginning of their path
listening and doing
instead of thinking and figuring
much like early recovery
although its not about alcohol
its about improving my faith
imptoving my conscious contact
spiritual growth
willingness
and openness

I feel apprehensive
rather than afraid
expectant
though not grasping
blinking open eyed in anticipation
not sideways skeptical glancing

All is ok and right sized
Everything is exactly as it should be

Just incase you are interested
here's the sermon from last night
How to read the bible - Nicky Lee

How?
not rocket science, basically
like it was suggested I read the "AA big book"
daily
from the beginning
a few pages
at a time that suits me
there's other stuff in there
Nicky suggested we read it like
a dog loves a bone
eating it with pleasure
putting it down, burying at times
then digging it up, and reading it again
with greater enjoyment
accepting that not always will be want to read
AND THATS OK
but picking it up again as soon as we are ready
accepting that not everything will make sense
at the time
and not every bit will be interesting
he's talking about the bible
but same principle I learned in AA
it works ...

discipline is not a punishment
its an asset

he found reading with someone else newer to the bible
than him helpful
he learned as the other learned

Does this remind you of sponsorship
Reading the Big Book with a sponsor
They say the sponsor gets more than the sponsee

It obviously works in other areas
SERVICE - pass on eveything you have been given
EVERYTHING
In my experience, the more I do this
the more I feel at peace

Secrets, ie holding onto skills etc
has made me unhappy in the passed
training someone at work
passing on ideas that have worked in the past
ALWAYS brings about a sense of Good
even if the ideas are "rejected"
don't stop with the suggestions
unless the person asks you too
there's a difference between advice
and suggestions
and a big difference between
passing on experience and theory!

ok thats me done
I'm off to a step 1 meeting

see ya :)

Is God a Delusion - 3 talks By Nicky Gumbel

by Nicky Gumbel
Anglican Vicar at Holy Trinity Brompton

spent some time reading books by Atheists
and here's his response
in 3 talks


Is God a Delusion? Has Science disproved God?

Is God A delusion? does religeon do more harm than good?

Is God a Delusion? Faith is Irrational

Interesting stuff!

I am reading
Converstions with God (Book 2)

Had a interesting conversation
today and realised other peoples
perception of an area of my life
hadn't moved on or changed
even though I have!!
or am at least open too
bizarre but this enlightenment
may explain
a few seemingly dead ends
I have encountered
recently
hmmm

the prison I did service at today
has regular communion services
with wine and bread and no option
for grape juice...
one member said he currently spends the evening
prior to communion worrying about
communion and hours/days after
feeling troubled cos he didnt drink the wine
this AA member has written to the Methodists
to ask them to come in
and do communion as methodists
do not use alcohol
hows that for Anylengths & Into Action!!

Pray if you will
for Stuart and Linda
I don't know them either
but I've been asked to by a friend who does
God please help them find love and peace
and hold them at this moment

"Random" Question:

Your hand has been replaced by a rubber stamp. What does it say?


Stop thinking and just do it!

The darkest hour is before the dawn

Its like the last bits to complete
of a big dinner party to prepare
the last bit of preparation
of a wall, skirting board
the last bit of the garden that finishes
the preparation off
the last half hour of a busy day at work
the last half an hour of a long drive
you so want to
short cut on that food prep, no one will know
not fill and smooth that bit in the corner no one will see
not dig the last bit round the back where no one sees
bunk of early, the boss isnt here
put your foot down, and spped no one will know
see its hard now, cos I will know!
I have to live with myself

Its the not giving into the instant gratification
and the not giving up at the last minute
its the just keep on keeping on
til your done (this bit)

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will ALWAYS materialize if we work for them. P84

Its finishing off the preparation
completing of the work
the preparation
that no-one sees
the egoles preparation
unglorified
misunderstood by many
why the hell I dont have a life!?
this is my life and its excellent
and instantly yeh at times I would want it
all done
but long termly, i want to work for this stuff
Put in the action required
no instant gratification
instant gratification
is no good for my heart and bones
long term work
gets right in me bones
right to the heart of it
fearless and thorough

reminds me of the step 4 hours
and the at times 10 meetings a week
me and God
doing whats required
for me and my relationship with Him
blind faith or no faith at times
not knowing, just doing
just doing it anyway regardless
no-one did recovery for me
you did and do help and lighted the way
even when I had my eyes tight shut
my ears stayed open
I listen

essay writing and exam prep
no-one does the work for me
same old
put in the footwork
head down
no looking up

yes I am not perfect
this is me
Here I am

stop thinking
no projecting
shut up now
and just frikkin do it!
get it written!

and remember
"Worrying is all wasted energy,
time spent praying to the devil!"

The answers will come, if your own house is in order. But obviously you cannot transmit something you haven’t got. See to it that your relationship with Him is right, and great events will come to pass for you and countless others. This is the Great Fact for us. P164

Don't quit before the miracle

The module I am not clear about
had a really suprising twist last night

20% is on seminar participation
most of the marked seminars
I was completely wiped out
in the early weeks
in fear
going through the motions
one week
feeling the f*ckit button heavy
had answered I dont know
without even trying
i really couldnt be ass'd
exhausted mentally and physically
the rest of the time
I have done my best and turned up
even when I haven been able to do
all that was asked of me
I have tried
anylengths on any given day!!

marked 95% for seminar participation
hows that for encouragement
the "f*ckit" seminar
did not lose me 5%
it was the lowest and wasnt taken into account
I really have no idea how it works
and its probably a good idea that I dont
my marks got higher as the weeks went on

More evidence
put in the footwork let go of the outcome
anylengths is anylengths
it is not perfection
its anylength

They said keep turning up
do the work we set
if you havent done the work
turn up anyway

So I have and do

ok 3-4 weeks remaining
head down
no looking up
no listening to fear
no resting on laurels
no taking things too seriously
no doing anything destructive
listen to the instructions
and just f*ckin do it

and I did another
9am start
thats 3 this week
progress and a miracle at the same time!
ok i'm off to home group
have a fabulous weekend!

Strong urge, first thought, desire for a KFC

I made a decision
not to eat meat
day a time
I haven't

Tonight on the way home from uni I had a
Strong urge, first thought, desire for a KFC
when I know I dont really want one
rational thought says nah
insane then why does it seem like a good idea?
Why?
I had not eaten regularly nor enough today
So I ate something healthy
as soon as was reasonably possible after the thought

Early recovery its suggested to carry around
sweets, chocolate something to eat when confronted
with that thought

H.A.L.T.
Hungry - if hungry eat
Angry - pray for them, retraint of tongue, call another alky
Lonely - Go to a meeting, call up an alky, do something useful
Tired - Lay down, take a nap, go to bed

When one or more of HALT is not taken care of
my perception changes
at times irrational
insane thoughts
paranoia
oversensitive
jealous
afraid
judgemental
anyone or more and others could crop up

Prevention is easier than cure
Take care of your HALT
and it takes care of my mind

If I had gone for a KFC
This would have been acting out - dishonest
because my heart does not want one
my head did!
I would have really enjoyed it
I know it
I love them
BUT tomorrow I would have been really baffled
and regret it
remorse... have to start again etc
and know that more than likely
if I had eaten
and not gone to bed at 5.30am last night
after studying

Hungry and Tired HALT
see HALT is a great tool to apply
Another solution!

Practice this principle on thinking about drinking
Dont listen to your first thought
Pick up the phone before you pick up a drink
Think Think Think
Its the first drink not the 5th or the 6th

Heres some AA points to
consider now that you've stopped drinking (in this example eating KFC's)
and if I have tried all these
I could consider these things to
Consider if confronted with the urge (thought) to drink or for me today eat a KFC
before you pick that drink up OR ACT OUT DISHONESTLY IN ANY WAY
Going against Gods will, your new way of living
the life you are attempting to create
the changes you are trying to live by
how ever you want to describe it

I suggest they are useful to consider AND DO
TAKE ACTION
at first thought not waiting til the
urge or the 5th or 6th thought
AND IT WORKS on other obsessions and insane thoughts
like eating a KFC when hae stopped eating meat
and want to stay stopped!!

....if our friend never took the first drink, thereby setting the terrible cycle in motion. Therefore, the main problem of the alcoholic centers in his mind, rather than in his body. If you ask him why he started on that last bender, the chances are he will offer you any one of a hundred alibis. Sometimes these excuses have a certain plausibility, but none of them really makes sense in the light of the havoc an alcoholic´s drinking bout creates.P23

Dont pick up that first....
It will be great to wake up tomorrow
Not having drunk alcohol or eaten a KFC
Grateful again

ps
yes I need to take care with my sleep
its very unmanageable
See I am not perfect, no saint
its one of those areas
I am hanging on to
for some unknown reason
that my head and self will only know!

Turned a corner... keep on keeping on, inspite of the light appearing

I have turned a corner
Stayed up last night
trying to sit down and do an assessment
for this evening
at 1am I finally got a grip and answered a question!
I had to sooo keep asking for my attention
to be returned back to whats in front of me
over and over again!
3.40am I turned off the computer
3/4 assessment done
brain say... no more tonight
let go of the outcome
I dont know whether I slept
or just laid down and faked it
alarm went off
went to work
suddenly its very busy
I rose to the occasion
strange that
work is effortless and I love it when its a full day!
its true
and at lunch did another bit of the assessment
at 5pm - 5.30pm some more
in fact I finished every question
then Uni - took the assessment 6-7
and a lecture 7-9
am I insane?
nah just doing my best
and making the most of opportunity when it comes
for me It came at about 1am last night
suddenly felt a shift
and I milked it for a few hours
keeping on keeping on
No idea how the assessment went
not marked yet
Now to prepare for the next one

What shifted?
Fear or just a moment of clarity, sanity?
Suddenly I read the instructions
The lecturers instructions
of what I am meant to do
and tried the first question
and it suddenly made sense
at that moment
what was unclear, suddenly became clear!
makes sense to me

Now I just have to apply it again
to the next assessment next week
and to the other module
Ching!
Thank God for that

The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink.P24

Why do I think this is relevent to me for the last 24hours?

Step1
For reasons yet obscure
I am unable to control how and when
I am at my best studying
I have lost control (if I ever had any power to control)
I am unable, at certain times
to... study even when the consequences
of not studying are so great
ie loss of marks, hurt pride, humiliation...
punctured ego
I am without defense of when this balking will come
around taking and processing new information
in studies

This is where step 2
I have faith that if I keep on
dont quit
turn up
follow suggestions
even when its not as I would like
wait, let go, try again and again
at somepoint sanity will return
This is anylengths

If I quit when its tough
If I dont open up to my fellows
last night and say
Its really hard and I hit a wall
to my sponsor and say I dont know what to do
follow her suggestions
even when it goes against what I thought was best
even when I told her I wasnt going to do what she suggested
which was step 11 work
I did it anyway!
what the Frik to I know really
if I dont do all this
I retreat into isolation
and I quit before the miracle

See it works
I am coming out of this darkness into the light
I am not saying darkness over
just saying
its all starting to fit again
instead of grind
Phew!

Right I need to go and wash up
my kitchen is a a mess
as a result of me cooking up
good nutritious food
and not being bothered to wash up after
oh the joys of being a student!

What else happened
I got a 12 step call
and someone called me up and asked me to be their sponsor...
See I have no idea
whats going to happen next
and where Gods work will come from
I thought I needed to go to more meetings
to work with newcomers
apparantly NOT ALWAYS!
again
God often provided for me what I thought
I should be doing for myself
but had no idea how to fit it all in!
Let Go Let God

I have another review at work tomorrow
does it ever end?
nope
do I want it to?
nope

Good night
pray for more willingness

anylengths means anylengths

It works - It really does - I am not suprised!!!

Keep it simple
I feel better
I took inventory yet again (mine)
I prayed like my life and peace of mind depends on it (cos it does)
I bathed
put on clean clothes
ate breakfast
went to work
prayed at work (on knees) yes its is possible (for me essential, see below)
did what I was paid to do FIRST
did what I had been asked to do (some extra's voluntarily)
ate lunch
prayed during the day
prayed for people
prayed for fear to be removed
prayed for restraint of tongue and email
No self seeking
Much restraint
No drama
No wearing heart on sleeve
No expecting to be understood
No sulking either

Just for today
I will be agreeable.
I will look as well as I can, dress becomingly,
keep my voice low, be courteous, criticize not one bit.
I won't find fault with anything,
nor try to improve or regulate anybody but myself.

result
I FELT LIGHTER, Brighter

study tonight
all going ok
hard, processing, everything
asking for help in the right places
Trust the process (Faith)
Keep on keeping on
Action if the magic word (Works)

Faith without Works is dead!

I'm off for another heart to heart with God

ps praying on knees
does a few things for me
a) It makes me stop what I am doing
b) It makes me concentrate
c) it makes me listen to what I am saying
d) It changes the words into a real prayer
e) It makes my chat become genuine
f) humbly
g) It tells me I am serious about what i am saying

This is just one of the ways
required for me at the moment
I do pray all over the place
standing up, on my head
in the queue at supermarket
outloud, in silence
eyes shut, eyes open
naked, clothed
in bed, by the bed
in the kitchen, on the bus

There is no right way
Pray as you can, not as you cant!
You must have heard that one before
All prayers are heard
ITS TRUE

Physical Health and God (as I understand Him)

Physical Health
Very Good news
Lump is reducing and not painful
its just there
I am very tired though
Worrying internally
even though I am letting go
or trying to anyway !
taking it a little easier
and carrying on at the same time
externally

Kathy made me think about
God in her post today
I always wanted to be some kind
of spiritual, good person, wise ?!
but had no idea how the hell to get there
I spent alot of time thinking about
retreats, prayers, meditation, yoga, tai chi
and fleetingly tried many of these and more
but didnt STICK at anything
I didnt keep coming back
Or I assumed because I didnt GET it
after 1 time it wasnt for me
or I wasnt good enough
or other people were better at it
or it would take too long to learn
I couldnt commit
I wouldnt work for what I wanted

AA has given me a desire to commit
to honesty, willingness, openminded, humility
forgiveness, integrity, love, discipline
a desire to keep coming back to classes
to prayer, to yoga, to inventory
to meetings, church even
a desire to devote time and effort
into God, well improving my relationship
with Him
Some minute by minute, some daily, some weekly
some monthly, some yearly
I am committed

Its true Kathy, without AA I would not
have done these and found the love and desire
that I have to continue and improve
my relationship with Him
I would/may have remained alone in my search
floundering and hopeless
dying alone... one would say

I love AA, for helping me find God and myself

But he had found God-and in finding God had found himself P158

Thanks Kathy x

BAD NEWS January is popular for AA's to go out and drink - GOOD NEWS Go say Hi to ANN 4 DAYS SOBER

GOOD NEWS
have you met Ann?
She is VERY new to AA day 4
and new to blogging
Go say Hi


BAD NEWS but ALSO GOOD NEWS as we offer a solution
I have had 2 x 12 step calls in two days
THATS 2 WOMEN CALLED UP THE HELPLINE
BECAUSE OF THEIR DRINKING
and have been passed over to me

(there are 100's of women like me in london taking calls
to try and help other women to their first meeting
if I had 2 for my area in 2 days, just imagine HOW MANY others
are calling up on other nights on other areas)
(there are just as many 12 step men too)

LONDON WOMEN - IF YOU ARE NOT ON THE 12 STEP LIST
GET ON IT THERE IS ALWAYS A NEED - email me if you need
info on how to do this or call the telephone office,
or speak with your GSR
There are workshops NOT monthly though

To put it in perspective I had 4 12step calls in the whole of 2007
I just had 2 in 2 days
this reminds me to remind us

JANUARY, according to UK AA telephone helpline statistics
IS WHEN THE MANY AA'S WITH SOME OF SOBRIETY
GO OUT AND DRINK - SUDDENLY!?
MORE THAN ANY OTHER MONTH IN THE YEAR
BE WARNED & BE AWARE

IF YOU ARE IN EARLY RECOVERY - OR NOT SURE
Do not get drawn into how well it went over Christmas - ITS HISTORY
OR THINK perhaps you dont need to go to that meeting tomorrow
or meet with your sponsor - YOU DO - GO ANYWAY
Or the poor mees of over spending, eating and lack of excersize
sort your AA stuff out NOW do not delay
Or the january Blues - NO EXCUSE FOR NOT FOLLOWING AA SUGGESTIONS
If you have been slacking or coasting or whatever you call it?
get back on it
the programme, suggestions, meetings, reading the big book, get a sponsor
DONT LEAVE YOUR RECOVERY TIL TOMORROW
YOU NEED TO BUILD UP THAT DEFENCE

And if you havent been to a meeting yet
heres a realistic Official AA short vid
which may dispell some preconceived ideas
which i know I certainly had
NO-ONE IS TO HOPELESS OR TO LIGHTWEIGHT

For me I need to get back to basics
and get grounded again ASWELL

end of!

Studying
I am off the revision routine
and I juts have to hand it over
Its not going in and its not coming out
SO IT SEEMS
Ok I am off to read some stuff
and see what happens
keeping on keeping on

Rachael's improving

Great news! Well done! Good work all round!

So am I !!
Studying again
its starting to make sense
after a couple of hours on the phone

Its weird, my phone kept defaulting to a lecture
and I wanted to hear another...
the default was actually the one I needed to hear
there are no coincidences

More optimistic
new phones excellent
playing my guitar helps when the head says no
as does an hour on the phone with another student
do you think its this? no its this isnt it?
no its this! where does it say that? here
oh well it must be. But is it? does it mean
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHH
assignment half done, well more than half
its starting to become clear
feedback for yoga done
packing on the way, well thrown in a corner!
ipod letting it go until next week or next year
test at work will do this week

and I was interested in someone
now I have gone soft on them
nothing instant please, I dont like fast stuff God
Easy does it but do it, yeh i'll give it ago
if you think its time!?
we are in AA time dont forget
so it will be next year...or maybe the one after
unless you think i can handle fast!
I have no freakin idea, I forgot how it works
Leave it with you Cupid
i'll just keep turning up and asking questions
and staying as honest as I can

God said nothing back by the way....

I need to pray again
Step 3 stuff really
let go let god
I havent been
I am neglecting my conscious contact
feeling ordinary and part of the human race
but with an awareness unlike
much of the human race
leads to complacency
cruising along
which will at somepoint lead to fear
or perhaps a drink!
Keeping on the firing life p102
God will keep me unharmed
if my motives are good
I trust and believe this

I try and am on the right path
most of the time

What is your purpose? What drives you?

Written by Paulo Coehlo "Warrior of Light" Issue No 160

On the banks of the river Adour

“When I take off my glasses I can still see the path. I can’t see the details, but I can see the path,” says my wife, with her + 6.5 degrees of myopia, while we walk through a field of corn during our European holidays.

I tell her that the same happens to me: although I am not short-sighted, sometimes I can’t see the details, but I always try to keep my eyes fixed on my choices.

We end up at a river in the middle of nowhere, near the village of Arcizac-Adour. And all of a sudden I remember that I made a promise that I have not yet fulfilled. Three years ago we were both sitting on the banks of this very same river when we spotted a beautiful woman wearing waterproof boots up to the knees, walking on the river-bed with a sack on her shoulders. When she saw us, she came over and said:

“I know Jacqueline (a friend of ours). I asked her to introduce us and she answered: “You’ll meet them when you least expect it. My name is Isabelle Labaune.”

She explained that she was there cleaning the river of odd bits of rubbish (plastic bottles and beer cans carried down by the current), but that her true passion were horses. That afternoon we went to visit her stables.

Isabelle had a dozen or so animals, and did everything absolutely alone – she fed them, kept the place in order, cleaned the stables and fixed the tiles – indeed, all the work that would drive anyone crazy.

“I set up an association for people born with mental problems. I am absolutely certain that horse-riding makes them feel loved and integrated with society.”

Whenever I spent holidays in the region, I met Isabelle. Minibuses arrived bringing young people suffering from the Down Syndrome to ride the beautiful horses and stroll by the rivers and through the forests and parks. There was never an accident. The parents looked on with tears in their eyes, and Isabelle wore a smile on her lips. She was deeply proud of what she did: she woke at five in the morning, worked the whole day long, and went to bed early, exhausted.

She was a very attractive young woman. But she did not have a boyfriend:

“All the men who appear in my life want me to be a housewife. But I have a dream. I suffer when I am alone, but I would suffer a lot more if I abandoned the purpose of my life.”

The situation changed right at the beginning of 2006. One afternoon when I went to visit her, she told me she was in love. And that her boyfriend accepted her rhythm of life and was willing to help her in whatever way he could.

Some days later on I traveled to Brazil. I think that it was October when I received a message from her on the answering service of my mobile phone: she would like to see me - but I was far away and I paid no importance to the message, because nothing urgent ever happens in small towns in the interior.

When I returned to the Pyrenees in December, I went to have lunch with Jacqueline. That is when I found out that Isabelle had died of a fulminating cancer.

That night I lit a fire in my garden. I remained all alone looking at the flames and thinking about a woman who had done nothing but good in her life and whom God had taken away so early. I did not weep, but I felt a deep love in the air, as if she were present all around me. The next day I received a call from her boyfriend, who asked me to write something on her: she was gone, and nobody had ever known her work.

I promised to do so. But only today, when we were passing by the river and sat down in the same place, did I remember that I had made that promise, and now I am fulfilling it. Of the many people I have known in my life, one of the closest to saintliness was Isabelle Labaune.

Fear is not a problem today

FEAR. This short word somehow touches about every aspect of our lives. It was an evil and corroding thread; the fabric of our existence was shot through with it. It set in motion trains of circumstances which brought us misfortune we felt we didn´t deserve. But did not we, ourselves, set the ball rolling? Sometimes we think fear ought to be classed with stealing. It seems to cause more trouble........keep reading and pray .... "ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be" At once, we COMMENCE to outgrow fear. P67,P68

Fear steals my progress, its blocks it everytime. You either FACE everything and recover... ie make progress

OR

F%CK everything and run (or hide under the table) like old ideas/old ways/old beliefs

Its about making the right choice once you are aware of what it is.

God grant me the COURAGE to CHANGE the things I can. IE I WILL recognise what a load of rubbish, unkind unfriendly unhelpful defect it is to my progress, happiness, serenity, ambition and stop listening and being ruled by it.

OR I will continue running on self will doing it my own old way, which has ? got me this far, but no further in x years and I have no evidence that I can do it any different my way.

FEAR it wants you to stop exactly where you are and make no progress and have no fun! its true.

recognise it, learn how cunning it is and learn how to walk through it or peel it off when its got you round the neck... yet again!

Well thats what I did anyway! and it seems to be working

I regularly have to mantra like "Please remove my fear and direct my thoughts to what you will have me be" over and over

post inspired by another blogger...