Forgiveness

Without Forgiveness we die inside

Help us to share our scars our wounds with others, it is more than empathy, it is a fellowship in suffering, a band to one and other. The knowledge that another understands our pain can be liberating. The pain may not go away, but suddenly it becomes bearable.

If love is the greatest power on the face of the earth, then forgiveness is the second greatest. Without forgiveness we die inside. With it, the memories may still be there, but we can at least begin to move on.

We may blame others for our own or our prodigals rebellion, for being judgemental when they should have been more supportive. For abandoning abusing us or them when they should have supported or comforted us. But we must forgive them, we must no matter what, we must stop nursing a hurt, we have to let it go, we must forgive, or we die inside.

If we feel shame for living wildly, thoughtless, selfish behaviour. We can repent (become willing to change) ask Gods forgiveness, we can start to make that journey home.

Forgiveness allows us to go on loving and to feel loved again.

Bringing home the prodigals - Rob Parsons

It is not for us to sit in spiritual pride
refusing to accept forgiveness, grace of God
and our family & continue with out guilt
It is not for us to continue feeling rejected
isolated, bitter & pushing ourselves
and others away even when we are forgiven
Our legalism towards ourselves only
puts up the fences which forgiveness
is trying to take down

I am finding my training programme
in my journey into ministry,
hugely humbling, transforming, liberating
ego puncturing
spiritually I am growing
My love for God and other humans is growing

Though fearful of what people think of my past
yet In Gods eyes I am forgiven
Getting vulnerable is tiring yet essential
Its one thing confessing all in a step5
its another doing it in an interview setting
in which will be read by many
which I may be questioned on
over and over in the next few years
Highlights my shame is still there
yet the lack of shock I receive from these people
the acceptance, the encouragement
moves me to tears

My experience strength and hope
is Gold to someone else
it is not enough to pass it on only in AA
not everyone who has experienced
what I have experienced
will walk through the doors of AA

My job is to be of maximum helpfullness
if I can give any hope to anyone
then I have to go to anylengths
Confess all my stuff
and leave it to God

So far they have not said no...
and neither has God

Being forgiven over and over
being accepted over and over
being encouraged over and over
being given opportunity over and over
being pushed into the limelight
is killing me to the point of tears
maybe I needed killing
letting go absolutely
letting go of the corner of the towel
letting myself be changed
being willing to conform to Gods will
accepting it all is hard work

good grief

Feeling like am becoming a puritan
and then I fall short... thank God

feeling like I have no idea how to be responsible
I am not skillfull anough

getting up and keeping on
in this direction
its tough
yet I wouldnt miss it for the world
:-)

God equips the called
he doesn't call the equipped

Books

I was glad to fund the courage to go to a christian bookshop and ask for refences with scripture. They had a good selection in the healing section. Whilst "The Courage to Heal" gave me identification, it was too hardwork and very text book. I needed
something in thepresent, and something in keeping wuth where i am at now, ie with scripture. Not all of the books below are christian, some are general reading, practical guides, some bio/autobiographical. Incidently i found waterstones had nothing

its like i read, while we remain
ignorant- the abuse remains silent
its true

education - information = change = healing :)

Counselling for toads - robert de board (i read some of this over someones shoulder on a train, based on toad in wind in the willows, humerous yet serious tool) 

Learning to trust again - christa sands

Helping victims of sexual abuse - a sensitive biblical guide for counselling victims and families - lynn heitritter & jeanette vought

Breaking the chains of abuse - a practical guide - sue atkinson (not specifically biblical, just short practical sentences, easy ! Read :)

Inside a cutters mind - clark with henslin

Craving for love - briar whitehead

My friend is struggling with Past Sexual Abuse - josh mcdowell and ed stewart. Project 17:17 

Christianity and child sexual abuse - hilary cashman

Dr neil t anderson - set free (he also does a course covering all kinds of stuff that keeps us in bondage)

The christian handbook of
Abuse, addiction & 
Difficult behaviour
Edited by  brendan geary & jocelyn bryan (looks a good reference for all kinds of stuff)

Released frm bondage- dr neil anderson, dr fernando garzon, judith e. King

The courage to heal - ellen bass & laura davis ( the old 'favourite' which many who have been abused will have been told about, its abit text book and hard work like only read a page or two at a time. But each time i open it, i get what i need at any given time, this time no exeption!! )

The Shack - WM. Paul Young

Reading this book
Is bringing me closer
Because I want to?
Yes
Because I am?
Yes
I have seen mum as being
Somewhere good
Yer I have never seen
Her with Jesus
Being happy to be eith him
Only looking at heaven as
A good or better reflection
Of here on earth
Yet in heaven I see her
In relationship with Jesus
Ultimately in love with love
Loved, someone she runs to
For a hug
Without sarcasm
Soo loving
Who spends time with her
Gives her what she needs
Embrace, no strings
Never wants from her
Never cruel, never unfaithful
Always kind
And fir wendy
Her baby
She gets to be with wendy
To see her grow up
To play
To be free, unjudged
Not disabled
Not less than
Full if laughter
She too has been with Jesus
Fir a long time
He has been her father 
And her mother
Everything she needed
He provided fir her
More than she could ever want
Is she still a child
A baby? 
I don't know?
I don't know?
I can imagine that mum
Would pray for my peace
For all our peace
I can imagine that mum
Would want me to know
She is okay, more than ok
I know she is ok if she is
With Jesus
The journey she made
Is now forgotten
She lives in her present
Not in the suffering of her past
Her courage
I can imagine her
Praying with jesus
Praying for us, for me
For peace, my peace
Wrapped up in a beautuful
Colours of the holy spirit
Creator of natural beauty
Protector of the outside
And reliever of pain
The would have talked
On the journey
Made it comfortable
From this world to heaven
I am sure
And as she drew further
From here and nearer to
Heaven, her pain dispersed
And love and peace remained
I love that she would pray
With Jesus for me
I know that she would do this
I know
I pray with Jesus for mum
He prays with mum fur me
I have read this book in less than 
24 hours
And cried most of the way
Through it
It's mothers day aswell
So it's God timing really :)
All is good that brings
Me peace around my mum
Or is it being around my mum
Brings me peace and is good?
Or my mum is good and her
Being around me brings me peace?
All of them :)
Am grateful 

Keep it simple

Its funny! well unsuprising
after hitting a breaking moment Thursday
and recongising
I am just taking everything too seriously
and needed to rest

Had a productive and enjoyable weekend
lots of packing forr moving
preparing changing
address and utilities etc
and resting
time in the sun last few days
much needed rays! feeling sunnier
I am loving the warm autumn weekends

reading Tricks of the mind - Derren Brown
interesting recommendation IFOBW

Out of 3 none study books I have
begin reading this summer
I am yet to say I have read
a whole book
stuffs just not grabbing me
not even Paulo Coelho
even this one
the first 3 or 4 chapters
I had to skip
and start part way in!

take what you need and leave the rest

Have to say... pills are working
on the main symptom I went for

Uni starts next week
Good luck to the'Awl Fecker
may the Force be with you, me
and anyone else studying
have a great week everyone!
:)

Slow down your moving too fast...

I went to yoga last night
we are working on my
scapula and rotatacuff muscles...
physical pain is really boring
and BORING!

Did a "chair" tonight at a meeting
that used to be my home group
such a wide range of sobriety lengths
It was good to go and see
some old and new faces
remember how it was
that church helds many weekly meeting
that kept me coming back over and over

I am grateful

re moving
Looking at more options
interesting stuff!

re work
cross training and revisiting
stuff which will help me in my role as suppport
inprove the support i give
in this instance
knowledge = improved confidence
also helping others learn to study
whilst trying not to teach!

re spiritual fitness
praying, inventory, newcomers, meetings
prison service, telephone service, intergroup

re physical fitness
yoga and possibly badminton this weekend
gym i am struggling with... at the moment

re mental fitness
eating irregularly
attempting sleep not really trying hard
not suprisingly got angry this week
not suprisingly I got a little lonely

re step 11
Praying
We were prepared to look for it from an entirely different angle.P66
Reading Philip Yancy
The Jesus I never knew
its funny and showing me "the jesus story"
from an angle I find interesting
exactly what it was like for
an unmarried teenage mother
bringing up a baby
2008 years ago
because she was told by an angel
it was Gods will
and convincing people she isnt mental
that she bore God in the flesh
AND she survived
and He survived... how the heck?
yeh I am hooked!
Wikipedia P.Y

More Step 11
Listened to Ajahn Amoro - Ah So
interesting stuff
prompted me to be mindful
that if I am critical, negative, sarcastic, jokey
my words/manner may break others into
a million pieces... unintentionally.
I do start and break into a million pieces
especially when I am critical or judgemental
of myself... and fearful of others
fear and pride
or whether I THINK i am going to be critisised
the anticipation of it coming starts a process off
which requires healing whether
the negativity arrives or not

having fun
and thinking about my birthday month
feeling gratful
I have been given dignity
and a REAL sense of humour
and purpose

I dislike and I am disliked
I am neutral
I love and I am loved

see where I need to work on this week?
H.A.L.T
and Paying attention
to whats going on in the present moment
Slowing down...

have a great friday
Life I love you
All is groooooovy

Feelin' Groovy Simon & Garfunkel


see i'm sure this song wasn't sung as SLOWLY as this!?
is it me or what??

...if we work for it

exam results out last night
I have pased this year
with flying colours
4 modules
4 B passes
which is excellent
It seems that I am on the right track
and have to honour this
and ACCEPT IT!
going forward
no signs to say otherwise...

VERY hard work
as you know
excruciatingly painful often
gloriously amazing at times
huge faith
never quit
and remember to breathe

But its all forgotton
this moment has passed by me now!
I have repaired
I am well and do not have the haggered look
I now have the summer off
to enjoy!!

Good luck to all the students
in the Universe
IFOBW how did you do?

Regarding the phone call
I made another one
perhaps I am not making myself
clear enough!?
whatever!
its exactly how its meant to be
as always
practicing patience
thoughtfulness
and NOT sloth!

I am reading Conversations with God Book 2
3 years after reading book 1...
Book one really showed me
just how limited my thinking of
God and the universe
and life and humans
how narrow minded and thinking
I was/am/can be

Book 2 I started a while back
and stopped, so I have started again
I love the bit where God talks about
Time in Chapter 5

Free
They who desire naught will always be free.

Knowing When not to.
Action is important but so is inaction, in other words, knowing when not to.

Think about the times where you were glad or relieved that you had chosen not to act.

What is it that guides us to know, when not to? Is it fate or a universal force that chooses to protect us from harm? Is it just experience and wisdom that we have gained over years of learning and from making mistakes?

But most of us are so caught up in action and ‘doing’ that giving a considered or appropriate response is not something we do naturally or easily. As a consequence, getting it right may not always come naturally.

Do we throw out our common sense when our ‘buttons’ get pushed?
How can we change our patterns so that we can get it right more often?

Maybe the secret of a hassle-free life is having the wisdom of knowing when not to: say something; dig your heels in; hold your ground; or make an important decision!

All the above... Inner Space

I am reading another Paulo Coelho
Witch of Portobello
Its really different but as always
I am inspired

First Chapter
More Witch stuff
Wikipedia on the Witch
And Amazon

2 more sleeps an then I am off

I feel ok you know...

re work
Like i said yesterday
Restraint of Tongue and Pen
Faith
and do the next right thing
and no worrying
Its not sorted but we are going through
a process, so I must trust the process
patience is learned in waiting
and continuing on with the next right thing
Letting go
seems to be something to
relearn everytime
no thing seems to be the same as
the last time I let go
every case is different
feeling remarkably calm
serene even!!?
bizarre really
can this praying thing really work?
you already know I know it does...

I have no meditation book recommendations
I'm just at the beginning
I read inspiring books before which made me think
and look at the world differently
I agree

But I feel like I am entering ... the world of spirit!
yeh its true
a new chapter
a new step? step 11 in fact

This book was shown to me ages ago
and a poem in it was very pertinient at the time
the rest of the book was too "much"
at that moment
until now
see nothing goes to waste!

Anyway people
please share your meditation book recommendations
for Syd and me
As I am very limited in experience

The Tibetan Book on Living and Dying
John Ortberg Books ALL of them (see my side bar)
Paulo Coelho - The Alchemist, The Zahir, The Devil & Miss Prym
theres loads

Like I said
I'm just at the beginning
of something else!
and I have no words to describe it...
But it feels green and warm and safe
Listening to Geshe Tashi Basic Buddhist Practices

Here's The "Autobiography in Five Chapters"
The Tibetan Book on Living and Dying. P32
Sogyal Rinpoche

I walk down the street.
There's a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost.....I am helpless;
it isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place;
but it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in....it's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

I walk down a different street.

I like it
I saw it in Courage to Heal too
It perfectly describes
The journey
of self will to Gods will

Step 1, 2, 3

More will be revealed

Book Browse

Found This Really Great Book Search Engine
you can read about the book
and read excerpts aswell!!

Book Browse

Easter weekend
yeah talk about openminded!!

spent Good Friday
Following a cross in central London
Freezing by wotsits off
and listening to a choir in Westminster Abbey

Saturday
Chilled out evening with friend
talking about Christianity
the Holy Spirit
Jesus
Christ
growing into faith
and bible extracts
aswell as much laughing
and chocolate!

Easter Sunday
waking up to large snowflakes
and church again...

Yeh Easter is not about fluffy bunnies and chocolate

Its much more than that
Easter with the Methodists
Not being a mental Loafer
And had a really enjoyable, interesting, challenging time!

Its true!

Prayer is....

Biblical Prayer is
Impertinent
persistent
shameless
undecorous
Its more like haggling in an oriental bazaar
than the polite monologues of the churches

P95. The Life you have always wanted
John Ortberg

I agree,
At the beginning
prayer was polite and stunted unnatural
when I started to talk to God like
like it described above
my relationship took off

we even have rows
which end in tears
and make up again

When I stop talking
like any relationship
there is something wrong
communication is key
honesty is key
and listening for a response is key

dialogue
not
monologue