Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Pray, forgive, ask for what you want

This relationships issue from a few posts back
I needed to jeep forgiving
forgiving myself for the person that I was
forgiving the person for who they are
forgiving them for a part of them
which I find hard to accept
because I find it easy
and I am umpatient
ump patient is about right!!
I lice te typos sometimes :)
impatient that I want communication back
asquickly and as indepth as I try to

there is so much vagueness around
and as I found out from my own vagueness
it's usually a pride issue
either I want to hold something back
because u want you to be brholdent to me
or I want you to think I have special knowledge!
Or I am afraid if what you will think if me
or I have no idea how to respond
because I am full of emotion and need to step-10
or I daren't say I don't know
incase you think badly f me

as I say pride
yet mostly I seem to be able to be
honest around most things
pride generally doesn't stop me opening my mouth
or worrying about what you think of me
I have reaped the rewards over and over
of telling the truth
to the right person
except when to do so would injure...
Or I am gossipping
or scoring points
I am not perfect
at least I know mostly when these are
around and deal with it

anyway I saw the truth this week
I forgave you for shortcomings
and told the truth
I was prepared for rejection
and losing someone special
it didn't happen
I feel like it's more equal
it wasn't about me
other people have defects
other people even spiritually fit people
have Achilles heels
something glaring which needs real hard work
to reign in of level out
or patience, and tolerance by those around
like me
just like others do for my Achilles heels
any way
spring has sprung

I have dad and significant other
coming down for Easter
and I am nearly ready :)
I am knackered with decorating
yet realising it don't matter for them
yet I want it as nice as it can be
because when they are gone
I will reap the rewards
pride an act in my favour sometimes

I am ready to share my life with someone
well to share the chores!! Haha

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Self centred world

And yet, we kid ourselves 
that we take responsibility
that we care

I have noticed recently
how much depend on self
How hard it is to communicate
2 way that is with many people
how hard it is to ask for help
What you mean you can't do it?
What me do that?
Ok only if you...

ask a favour
on return for what?
Nothing, just because you can

how many of us just do things
without any expectancy of anything

how many people are in our lives
that can offer us nothing
who we just see as an oppotunity fir service
not because they are a friend
someone who offers nothing
because they cab give nothing

I have realised that I am looked down on
by some people because I can offer nothing
to them, I earn less than they do
I don't dress in the sme labels
or live in the cool part of town 
yet at the same time I have
I have the chance to have 
Commune with
Yet how difficult it is
To maintain it
Each person seems to believe
Their life is
Harder, busier, more important
Than the other
And so we just get on with it
And then find out
Later all that's been going on
They haven't had such a great time
Infact it's hard
Thank god for parents
Thank god for partners
Thank god for whoever
thank god for money, when there us no one
And at the same time 
There must be more
what when there is no one
when there is no money
when you have nothing to offer
what then?

I also look down on people
I noticed

I used to belong to a skill swap
You paid with points
And it didn't matter if you didn't have enough points you could still ask
A person with the skill to do something
And they would
You would go overdrawn in points
But utbwas accepted that you would
Eventually earn those points back again
Or not as the case sometimes went
It wasn't about money

Also I read in The Alchemist by Paolo Coehlo about some skill bank or something like I forget
Where you do something for someone
And it just goes into the bank in the sky kind of, the universe knows:)
And at somepoint you will
Reap a favour or good deed from
Someone at some point 
I like that

It's like doing something for someone
And not getting found out
Yet how difficult is this to maintain?
How difficult us this in any area
How dfiificukt ut is

I am getting fed up of seeing how
Unkind we are to each other
How little we communicate outside of AA, infact it's very few who donin AA

Loneliness is huge
I know I am not the only one
It's a human condition
Yet hardly recognised
And the symptoms go unrecognised
I use buses and so many people
Are on something, or have smoked
Something or are smoking something
The staring eyes 

How many of us
Trawl the Internet looking for
What? Always searching
Yet there are people around
Who have no one
Never speak to anyone
Never get eye contact
A smile 
A squeeze on the arm
Because they can
Not because they have to earn it
Do we care that it's like that?
Is it their fault?
Is it ours?
Why am I even writing about it?

I am seeing why it was said
The local church is the hope of the world
It's there where ? I may be able to
Build the fellowship I crave
The one which I can grow old with
Build up some community
People who know their neigbours
Look out for each other
Know who and where the old peopple are
Notice someones is sick
Support, love, take care
But the greatest of these is Love
1 Corinthians 13:13

It reminds me of when I joined
A home group where we held hands 
To say the serenity prayer
I realised how important that
Was to me and why?
From one week to the next
It was the only time I got to
Be touched by another human

Friday, March 19, 2010

No steps no change no sober

They were some very wise words
I heard early on
and they still echo on
I hear them
I hear them today
much change is happening
I don't understand it all
I don't like it all
change equals loss
could be loss of who I was
which means I have become
who I am
caught up with the present
instead of caught up in the past
I am wrestling with who I am
and also who I am not
what I want and what I do not
also who you are and who you are not
and what you do and why you do not

I do want to change you
and at the same time
I do not
I want you to be you
and I want to understand
why you do what you do
I do not want to change you
I want to change my perception
of you

I want to accept you for
who you are
what you are
what you do
what you don't do
I don't want to change you

I also don't want to
be a victim of your behaviour
I don't want to just let things go
just accept everything and say nothing
be silent and withdraw
I want to be able to ask why
I want to be able to say I don't like
I want to be able to say I disagree
I want to be able to say this is how I see it
I want to be able to say can we do it like this?
I want to be able to say no definitely not today
I want to feel pain with you
I want to be frustrated with you
I want to be joyful with you
I want to share excitement with you
I want to be able to say I am afraid
I want to be honest
I want to remain considerate
I want to remain thoughtful
I want to understand what you don't want
I want to understand what you do want

I want to remain understanding
I want to not cut you out
I do not want to be cut out
I want to grow and change
I want to accept you as you are
I want all that I want fir myself for you too
if you want it
I want all that and anything else
you may want
I need to accept you may not
grow and change
I need to accept you may not want
any of that for me
I need to accept you may not see any change is me
I need to accept you will only see what you see
I need to accept your perception is your perception
I need to accept when I am with you
I may revert
I need to accept you are imperfect and human
I need to accept I am imperfect and human

accept and forgive
passive aggression is not cool
getting angry does not solve anything
other people are not always right
get rid of pedestals
get rid of pedestals
changing circles
different people
come into my path for a reason
each day is an opportunity
for learning, listening and growth
everybody teaches me
just for today

I need

Sunday, March 14, 2010

The Shack - WM. Paul Young

Reading this book
Is bringing me closer
Because I want to?
Because I am?
I have seen mum as being
Somewhere good
Yer I have never seen
Her with Jesus
Being happy to be eith him
Only looking at heaven as
A good or better reflection
Of here on earth
Yet in heaven I see her
In relationship with Jesus
Ultimately in love with love
Loved, someone she runs to
For a hug
Without sarcasm
Soo loving
Who spends time with her
Gives her what she needs
Embrace, no strings
Never wants from her
Never cruel, never unfaithful
Always kind
And fir wendy
Her baby
She gets to be with wendy
To see her grow up
To play
To be free, unjudged
Not disabled
Not less than
Full if laughter
She too has been with Jesus
Fir a long time
He has been her father 
And her mother
Everything she needed
He provided fir her
More than she could ever want
Is she still a child
A baby? 
I don't know?
I don't know?
I can imagine that mum
Would pray for my peace
For all our peace
I can imagine that mum
Would want me to know
She is okay, more than ok
I know she is ok if she is
With Jesus
The journey she made
Is now forgotten
She lives in her present
Not in the suffering of her past
Her courage
I can imagine her
Praying with jesus
Praying for us, for me
For peace, my peace
Wrapped up in a beautuful
Colours of the holy spirit
Creator of natural beauty
Protector of the outside
And reliever of pain
The would have talked
On the journey
Made it comfortable
From this world to heaven
I am sure
And as she drew further
From here and nearer to
Heaven, her pain dispersed
And love and peace remained
I love that she would pray
With Jesus for me
I know that she would do this
I know
I pray with Jesus for mum
He prays with mum fur me
I have read this book in less than 
24 hours
And cried most of the way
Through it
It's mothers day aswell
So it's God timing really :)
All is good that brings
Me peace around my mum
Or is it being around my mum
Brings me peace and is good?
Or my mum is good and her
Being around me brings me peace?
All of them :)
Am grateful 

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Stress is a killer

Stress is a killer
I have been warned
To stay home if I have
Still aching muscles
Not to travel to work as it
Could put unnecessary
Strain on my heart
Which is a muscle
How is this?

18 months of
Intense stress
Not self pity
Not drama queen
Big life experiences

Immune system
Shot to pieces
Which is why I am
Picking up viruses
More than I ever
Have in my life
This current one
Is like no other

I love my heart
It's time to be open
Time to listen to it
Be open to what it wants

Strangely or not!
As soon as I become 
Willing to let go absolutely
Not be led into temptation
Or scurry away in avoidance
Another door opened

So for the time being I must
put my feet up!!
Do nothing
Rest, watch tv
Drink juice, eat fruit
Follow instructions
And not count the sick days
Not worry about
What future employers will think
Of time off sick

Pride is also a killer!