Just for today I will adjust myself to what is, and not try to adjust everything to my own desires. I will take my "luck" as it comes, and fit myself to it.
yet again a moment of clarity a realisation that I am powerless over everything really yet at the same time not in a victim like way walking through what seems to be a war zone when everythings comin' atcha and evertything seems to be changing and everything is i must be the centre of the universe!! hehe head spinning old behaviours comin at me old thoughts new thoughts new actions new opportunities see what the comfortzone I once knoew disappreared a few years ago and I have not felt it since although I have felt peace and serenity and perfection at times I am not sure I have felt in a comfort zone for a while now is this a problem? well I only just write it and no it dont feel a problem just an observation really at times its all very exhausting and I suppose thats probably self will trying to controll the uncontrollable trying willpower on what I am powerless over change! everything changes my job is to fit myself to be of maximum helpfulness p102 whatever happens
I realised aswell in the last 24 hours I am powerless over my father smoking and when he dies no matter what happens to him nothing can make him stop not that really I have tried this recent treatment will cost him money will that stop him? maybe only death with stop him like drinking smoking is addition/illnes/disease smoking is a family illness too I am not sure that he has any idea how his recent heart attack has affected his close family and friends perhaps when he returns to the UK he will? usually I say nothing about his smoking and gave up talking about it years ago who am I to judge and his and his significant other's attitude towards it is simply none of anyones business continuing to smoke after his triple bypass a while back restraint of tongue and pen does not apply here! its my stream of consciousness and i'll cry if I want to :)
i noticed my father carried guilt burdens which he shared when I made amends he does not have a program he does not have a God to ask for forgiveness from unconditionally and thats sad
I read this about building our soul today by Paolo Coelho
Rabbi Iaakov’s wife was always looking for an excuse to argue with her husband. Iaakov never answered her provocations.
Until one night when, during a dinner with some friends, the rabbi had a ferocious argument with his wife to the surprise of all at table.
“What happened?” they asked. “Why did you break your habit of never answering?”
“Because I realized that what bothered my wife most was the fact that I remained silent. Acting in this way, I remained far from her emotions. My reaction was an act of love, and I managed to make her understand that I heard her words."
which has changed my attitude that restraint of tongue and pen minding my own business and live and let live is not always the loving thing this does not mean ranting, telling, ordering, ultimatums, sulking is
what i see today is that I need to pray for the words ask God to give me the words to say to my Dad to express how I do not want him to die and early death that seeing him smoking really upsets me seeing my mum in the last stages of lung cancer was a frightening and the memories of what she physically looked like I do not think I will ever erase from my mind I do not think all this is to be said agai I am expressing my stream of consciousness yet at the same time As with Rabbi Isaakov If I stay silent he will not know that I love him and value him being around
My father said to me twice in two overseas phone calls from his intensive care bed "I love you" I dont remember him EVER saying me loves me I know he does he just doesnt say it
At the same time I am accepting that he may continue smoking no matter what I say and die very soon or live for a lot longer or his arteries could collapse on the plane home or like my mum he may pack up smoking and be dead within 6 months!
see am powerless and accepting and full of fecking wisdom sometimes i wonder if ignorance is really bliss i'm off to denial smoking doesnt kill right!?
ok, aside from this I am enjoying friends making music beach local AA I started a new group at my church although being me theres a battle going on inside which leaves me very lonely and at times i really dont want to play anymore although i accept more and more I am so blessed to be more understanding and compassionate towards myself to have some very understanding humans around me who overlook my shortcomings and focus on my strengths and so when stop in fear pause pause longer I turn towards and continue
I did all the right things before going in to HR meeting it was supposed to be easy and then he asked me a question about would I relocate? and I kinda flipped I knew this was on the cards and sane thinking and feeling already accepted this and I kinda freaked out backed into a corner to make a decsion there and then and I couldn't stop Powerless then numbed out til all you got was yes no answers no feeling, no emotion I couldnt wait to get out I had to leave the building and cry I scared myself more than they scared me I didnt like me in there
So when they said I have never seen you like that before the truth is they have never seen me in that situation before and hey backed into a corner scared, with an unexpected question that I am deciding my destiny... in 30 seconds I cant remember what else happend
I went and apologised to the HR guy after and said i wasnt happy with the way our meeting had gone he said he knew it wasnt me in there and it was understandable under the circumstances I am moving house in a few weeks and starting uni and they are asking me whether I would be prepared to move and relocate ... my inner self reacted against BADLY he and my boss said there was no need to apologise I said there was, I needed to live with myself and my conscience and now I can pray to let it go
I am touched by kindness and understanding I was given this afternoon like I give out its a must to receive I am not a rock or an island I do feel pain and I do cry I am human LIVING the challenges of life without any wings and whilst today I considered smoking I refused lunch I did take inventory I did pray I did make two apologies I did complete my self assessment I did grade myself highly & truthfully I can evidence every example if required I am going to bed early I did ask for help I did show myself without my pride I have softened and its ok I did complete & post my lawyers papers for house move I did get to physio apt ontime (I am making progress) I did come home and eat The sky has not fallen in!
This is a song about pride and fear isolation and arrogance I used to like this song the similarities I felt protection, on guard... no risks nowadays I have trouble listening to it its not in keeping with how I feel today it takes me back and gives me gratitude that I have changed
And then I get proved wrong... The thing about no internet at home is that I can be glued to a screen all day at work and then all evening at home studying and then in the spare moments on email and blogg how dull!!
johno's become a very dull girl
Techno breakthrough I have now got a memory stick and learned how to use it! To transfer my work from home to work... and back again... to email from work if necessary freedom or what! Small victories... get there in the end
I have now started calling people up in the evenings rather than email or text and arranging to go out..
all going in the right direction
have the underlying ansgt I havent done enough and resentments around mix ups at uni but whatever I will learn from whatever the outcomes are
Quarterly review at work tomorrow naturally preparing for the worst and trying not to sabotage to prove myself right and deserving of rubbish review
whatever Its sunny outside
I'm off!
Its all a lie my head its all a lie
enjoying not having the internet at home means I get more organised in the day
As for munchtime and early meetings Its hard to justify a lunch meeting when I havent got in on time yet they are minutes away fom me!
still waking up in the mornings and working hard to get out of bed and face the False Evidence that Appears Real FEAR that ties me to the bed each morning and creates further fear and wipes any good thats in my life for quite a number of minutes/hours which is rubbish as I end up getting in at the same time most days even with the invisible fight that goes on and they dont even bat an eyelid when I get in its all in my head the fight the fear the feelings except its physical and very tiring and frustrating and appears like laziness and procrastination and chronic self centredness and selfishness perhaps it is!
Now thats Insanity & Madness! but its my truth its how I am
The disease that centres in the mind and I am the victim Though I have no idea what the future holds
Theres always a choice still choosing the victim still holding on to the corner of the towel? yes why? I have no idea!
Another love interest this week I am told its healthy to explore options go and explore, ask him out for coffee I feel flakey a crush here and a crush there yeh even married and met the parents in my head last night it went well by the way really good wedding and the parents are lovely he's nice too but then theres all the stuff inbetween isnt there
well thats all you got the jist of it i'm REALLY off this time
enjoy the evening sun or whatever you have when you read this
It was suggested on more than one occasion to stop blogging for a while certainly when it gets in the way of step 10's I get confused and spend time thinking about blogging when energies could be better spent thinking about study I know its a good suggestion
But as you see I havent or should I say I cant... I try and then start up again Powerless... and not completely willing to let go absolutely
As you know I truly believe when I dont do Gods Will he makes me and I am fine with that
Hence from last Thursday my internet connection has gone wrong at home
I want to fix it but again... do I need it? and why? a dishonest fix
For now my blogging will take a back seat
What else am I putting in front of?
First Things First They said at the beginning everything you put in front of your recovery will be taken away from you
its true!
I realised on Friday Exactly how tired I am People can go out when they feel like I do have a few drinks get drunk even smoke a cigarette take a few drugs smoke some stuff have sex watch some porn self harm even apparantly its seems! without impunity
me, its not an option well it is, but I choose not to I have to sit with my feelings being a student and keeping on is God damn hard
I am really lonely Went to a meeting where no one knew me and it felt a freedom for no-one to know me, me the miracle! me the student me reliable etc I was just another AA I didnt try hard I didnt share I just listened Listened with humble and lonely ears spoke with a new woman after about recovery, AA and some experience took a phone number and called her again Sunday someone at the meeting asked me if I was new I have missed this Early recovery stuff
HALT - LONELY call up or speak with a newcomer ask them how they are Go to a meeting Tell someone Loneliness is not just for old people
August 19th 2003 Got out of bed, well past the snooze Threw on clothes splash wash didnt clean my teeth cursed self for not being more organised no breakfast clothes all over the place deodorant over deodorant over deodorant
cursed the bus for being late cursed the tube for taking so long cursed self for being late again shuffled papers for most of the day did some work within the 8 hours sent most of the day thinking about the evening when I would get off with my crush go back to one of us places and make passionate love or something like that... this was to be my time no more waiting, no more excuses, this time I wasnt gonna get drunk just drink a few halves
Left work, our dept went out with new recruits and manager free champagne free shots free bar out went the idea of halves very soon, was drunk out of control off with some bloke in the toilet I wouldnt have looked at sober gueyser well known for not being choosy crush wouldnt know huh... still in with a chance
We moved onto the Indian Restaurant more free drinks, well oiled sat opposite my boss making lude remarks with the new recruits I then needed the toilet An staggered downstairs crashing against the walls and stood in there wondering... wondering what the 'uck had happened why had I got like this how could I change it all back again?
yeh I can remember all this out of control knowing its all happening and not being able to do a damn thing about it Got to the table, i wanted to go home and couldnt, couldnt miss out on what is it i thought i would miss out on? still dunno, that inability to leave first Boss said he'd never seen my eyes glaze over before No-one had ever said they'd seen my eyes glaze over before As I gulped Indian lager and picked at food knowing I had had enough but not knowing how to end the evening, with dignity dignity had gone out of the window whatever happened next out of my control it was very clear to me already
Finally crush got up to leave yeh my excuse to go too Staggered to the bus... still daylight small talk I was thinking why dont you come back to mine why dont you invite me to yours willing it to happen
Crush got off the bus I stayed on... in full resentment how could it not have happened perfect opportunity why do people play games with me poor me, blah blah
Started sending sms to crush get off your train ! why are you ignoring my messages ! you know you want to ! you think am rubbish dont you ! I dont blame you for ignoring me! get the picture...
Then I freaked when crush rang me "Stop being paranoid" "I'm not having a conversation with you while am on the train" "Why arent you at home ?" My response "Cos I dont want to be yet and whats it got to do with you anyway!"
By this time, I had missed my stop was in completely the wrong part of London Didnt know wher I was... Cold, drunk and miserable, and alone Badly needing the toilet AGAIN Story of my life, whers the bathroom
Got off bus Took another back to somewhere joining my route home Well dark, well late, well ashamed Well...lost it, incontinence set in
Got home, freaked out and afraid ashamed and bewildered A Cockroach greeted me
Threw clothes on the floor and flaked out in bed Wondering what the hell was gonna happen tomorrow How was I gonna face all these people I worked with everyday, ever again
My attempt at controlling my drinking Had really failed and it scared me How out of control I had actually got I really didnt like it I was afraid of what was happening And had no idea what was gonna happen next Outer control
This is not the way I has planned for my life to be at aged 36, no way!! And I couldnt seem to do a damn thing to change it What a 'uck up suicidal thoughts were creeping in I didnt like the way it was all panning out
If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking, you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic. p44
I didnt know it at the time I was suffering from the disease of alcoholism My life was unmanageable I was without hope I tried to control my drinking seriously tried to control it and it scared my how I couldnt and that i could be consciously out of control
THIS IS WHAT IT WAS LIKE
The only person I compare myself with now Is the person I was upto and including 19th August 2003
To compare with anyone else is dishonest and not a fair comparison We are all came up different paths We come at it all from an entirely different angle One common problem Alcohol ISM
AA is big enough and strong enough for all of us No one's path to messy in my experience
Music Kept me alive Songs spoke to me Kept me hanging in there Even though I didnt know anyone who hurt like I did Even though No-one seems to pain like I did I found comfort in music I trusted that they spoke the truth I hung on, for what I had no idea, I just hung on
When your sure you've had enough of this life Hang on Dont let yourself Go Cos everybody cries Everybody Hurts Some time
So hold on, Hold on, Hold on, Hold on, Hold on
If this is where your at, or not far away from
Dont quit before the miracle
Please Make that call, say life is shit go to a meeting, ask for help No need to do this on your own anymore help is right here, right now DO IT
R.E.M. - Everybody Hurts
(Berry/Buck/Mills/Stipe)
When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone, When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on Don't let yourself go, 'cause everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes
Sometimes everything is wrong. Now it's time to sing along When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on) If you feel like letting go, (hold on) When you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on
'Cause everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends Everybody hurts. Don't throw your hand. Oh, no. Don't throw your hand If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone
If you're on your own in this life, the days and nights are long, When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on
Well, everybody hurts sometimes, Everybody cries. And everybody hurts sometimes And everybody hurts sometimes. So, hold on, hold on Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on Everybody hurts. You are not alone
Heres a song that First reached in there and grabbed me at a VERY early age Sadly I cant find the original YET ok since posting this this morning ***HOW BIZARRE THIS IS THE ONE*** Having never seen a Harry Potter movie I am feeling a bit freaked out LOL You'lll tell me its the top ten next!!!
Or you Might prefer listen with abit of Pierce
Felt different Thought different disconnected music, words somehow connected me with the singer it was someone like they spoke to me this is how it was I knew no different had no other identified with no-one alone
Very young, under 10 this was a song I connected with I dont know why now I cant remember Its not a very uplifting song but then I was confused, isolated and lonely then thats how it was well thats all i know
Makes the hairs stand on the back of my neck Never underestimate the Power of Music
Thankfully am not in the bog of despair nowadays I still listen fondly to this though It kept me on the path at times To "Noel Harrison" the One who wrote the lyrics I thank you
Picture is "Hands Of God & Adam" Michelangelo.
Lets "Keep it simple". A recovered alcoholic. Grateful for the mysterious, magical gifts of a Loving God, AA, 12 steps, traditions & principles. Continually, doing for me what I could never do for myself. No longer suffering... but never cured. Yeh I get scared and abit pre mental at times! BUT I am not the emotional cripple I used to be. Always much work to do and always will always be work in progress. Living Sober, with a REAL sense purpose & a sense of humour. It just keeps getting better!!
