Tuesday, September 09, 2008

It wasn't pretty - they haven't seen my like that before... truth is... they haven't seen me in that situation before

I did all the right things before
going in to HR meeting
it was supposed to be easy
and then he asked me a question
about would I relocate?
and I kinda flipped
I knew this was on the cards
and sane thinking and feeling
already accepted this
and I kinda freaked out
backed into a corner to make a decsion
there and then
and I couldn't stop
then numbed out
til all you got was
yes no answers
no feeling, no emotion
I couldnt wait to get out
I had to leave the building
and cry
I scared myself
more than they scared me
I didnt like me in there

So when they said
I have never seen you like that before
the truth is
they have never seen me
in that situation before
and hey backed into a corner
scared, with an unexpected question
that I am deciding my destiny...
in 30 seconds
I cant remember what else happend

I went and apologised to the HR guy after
and said i wasnt happy with the way
our meeting had gone
he said he knew it wasnt me in there
and it was understandable under the circumstances
I am moving house in a few weeks
and starting uni
and they are asking me
whether I would be prepared to move and relocate
... my inner self reacted against BADLY
he and my boss said there was no need to apologise
I said there was,
I needed to live with myself and my conscience
and now I can pray to let it go

I am touched by kindness and understanding
I was given this afternoon
like I give out
its a must to receive
I am not a rock or an island
I do feel pain
and I do cry
I am human
LIVING the challenges of life
without any wings
and whilst today
I considered smoking
I refused lunch
I did take inventory
I did pray
I did make two apologies
I did complete my self assessment
I did grade myself highly & truthfully
I can evidence every example if required
I am going to bed early
I did ask for help
I did show myself
without my pride
I have softened
and its ok
I did complete & post my lawyers papers for house move
I did get to physio apt ontime (I am making progress)
I did come home and eat
The sky has not fallen in!

This is a song about pride and fear
isolation and arrogance
I used to like this song
the similarities I felt
protection, on guard...
no risks
nowadays I have trouble listening to it
its not in keeping with how I feel today
it takes me back and gives me gratitude
that I have changed

Simon & Garfunkel I am a Rock

Ive built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
"I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
Its laughter and its loving I disdain"

Dont talk of love,
But Ive heard the words before;
Its sleeping in my memory.
I wont disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.

And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.

See I do and I do
so this song is not about me now
its about how I used to be

Today's lesson is
progress not perfection
and letting go and letting Good/God

no roaring today.. Good night x


Syd said...

Johno, there are times when I've felt backed in a corner about a decision. I've decided that the best thing for me to say is "let me give that some thought". I don't need to make snap decisions. I need to think, weigh options, and make a fact and faith based decision. I'm glad that you handled the post-interview well. Have a good evening.

AlkySeltzer said...

Syd is 'street-smart' (as if I 'know' him!) and his good advice I've read before in other situations.

I now do the best I can in any 'given'...and God adjusts the outcome.

Used to be I did the worst I could. I would shoot myself in the foot. (Actually, I still catch myself doing that--rarely, but yes.)

Kathy Lynne said...

yeah, what they said...:) Grateful you are no longer a rock

indistinct said...

Thank you for sharing your day. It illuminates mine.

Rhonda said...

you know I like how some songs bring back memories and for some time I would cringe and feel shame or regret and now like you, I feel grateful for the magnificent transformation in my life.
thank God for bringing us not only through but out.
as always, I love your thoughts...
thank you

An Irish Friend of Bill said...

Let yourself be silently drawn by the stronger pull of what you really love~"