Saturday, December 27, 2008


have fun
get honest
trust God
help others
clean house
find gratitude
pass it on
have fun
get honest
trust God
help others
clean house
find gratitude
pass it on

Monday, December 22, 2008

Light of the world you stepped down into darkness

You're altogether wonderful to me

Light of the world - Tim Hughes
You stepped down into darkness
Opened my eyes, let me see
Beauty that made this heart adore You
Hope of a life spent with You

Here I am to worship

Here I am to bow down

Here I am to say that You're my God

You're altogether lovely

Altogether worthy

Altogether wonderful to me

King of all days
Oh so highly exalted
Glorious in Heaven above
Humbly You came to the earth You created
All for love's sake became poor

I'll never know how much it cost
To see my sin upon that cross

I loved this song since I heard
it on Alpha nearly 3 years ago
it touched me
that God has been nothing but lovely
wonderful to me in the last 3 years
since I turned towards Him
and made considerable efforts to
be obedient
pray and do Gods will
no matter what

this year has been a challenge
I have had some amazing things
to do
and I have tried to follow
the calling
where my prayers have led me

Time to find some gratitude
at last...

I am grateful for
being sober for all this time
being healthy
sense of smell
that God is a living part of my life
that I am a living part in Gods life
the sunrises
the sea
this house
having been given a local community
being by the sea
being in the country
being able to walk
my bike
tears of joy
christmas lights
the stars
water hot and cold
a good heart
gratitude lists to help me get over myself

Sunday, December 21, 2008

and i went to a carol service

spent time in home group
got honest with a human (sponsor) and God
knowing there is more I need to say
Sick as your secrets
and resentments ARE the number 1 offender
fear being the corroding thread...

Dont worry seems to be the 2 words
I most need to hear at the moment
as they are being said over and over
I must look and appear worried
I am fearful
its the same!

I went to a meeting last night
then across the road to a AA function
live band
noisy, too noisy for me
am i really quieter all over
is this how its going to be?
a random woman stoppped and asked me
if i had read the power of now
and said she would ring me later meaning after 10.30pm!
I said no...I'd rather she didnt
is she crazy or am i

went to a carol service today
it was so lovely
the church I am considering joining
makes mistakes
the song sheets are in the wrong order
the minister gets his words wrong
stuff is spelled wrong
but you know
I love it
and it loves me!
children singing
and the nativity... little shepherds!
and angels
soooo cute!
and different bands and musicians
i like it
its real, imperfect and lovely
i think I could grow old with this fellowship
I asked a really old lady how long
she had been coming, she said since she was born
thats a really long time!
every night they used to come and do things
a long time ago
I wish it could be like that now

I was saying to my sponsor
that nothing seems to make any sense
and all material seems purposeless at the minute
all I want to do is go to church
and learn about God
yes go to work
but not study
just do simple stuff
i dont know whats going on
I left her yesterday
strengthened by her belief

its like everythings going round me
at a million miles an hour
and I am standing in the middle
nothings touching me
skimming the surface
nothing has any depth
and I have no will to try
i just want stillness
and to learn about my creator
that I want
is this a distraction a short term thing
will this fulfill
will God fill the God shaped hole?

I stood outside last night
and looked at all the stars
I enjoyed the sunshine today
I like the freshness and the warmth

I loved the love in the carol service
yet... afterwards I felt apart

How long will

Be still and know that I am God


Be still and dont worry...

and then 2 - 12 steps calls came through...
from the phone office
there are suffering alkies out there
drinking & dying

Time to let go absolutely
Have a safe and funfilled Christmas and 2009!

Thursday, December 18, 2008

We had our Christmas Party tonight at work

I have NEVER seen so much FREE
beer, wine all kinds of booze
lying around in BUCKETS of ice
its true... NEVER!

arrived at 6
was ready to go by 6.30 haha
yeh its true the alcohol hadnt started working on THEM
they were still talking work
its dark, everyones tall
and no-one really knows whats going on
except that they know there is free booze
and its everywhere

I went out for some air and called an AA friend
who incidently is now pregnant with her AA husband
and it is Gods will they have children IVF finally worked!
Bless you!

Went back in, humour was appearing
talkied with a few people
caught up with some more
very small talk with others
went nuts with some more
playing chinese whispers
had a laugh or three
and went out for some more air
this time I prayed
it was around 8.15 time to go...

yeh its early, the fun people
were now drunk and the drunker people
the rest were discussing managment politics
and small talking their way through

after a mad photo, gawd knows what its gonna be
and a hundred I love you's and kisses
and sad farewells to some thats leaving
I departed the building

Its time when there are approx 30 ice cold beers
and 15ish bottles of wine
scattered that I get jealous
why do I get jealous?
Because I cant drink like normal drinkers

I also accept it and know
especially at the moment
my sobriety is much more imprtant
than the 10 free shots I was offered...

So I am now home
wondering what it would have been like to be drunk
would it have been different this time
and knowing at the same time
the answer is
and listening to the question
am I sure?

Are you?

MOST OF US have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.

We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.

We alcoholics are men and women who have lost the ability to control our drinking. We know that no real alcoholic ever recovers control. All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals-usually brief-were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. We are convinced to a man that alcoholics of our type are in the grip of a progressive illness. Over any considerable period we get worse, never better.

We are like men who have lost their legs; they never grow new ones

Once an alcoholic
always an alcoholic

And Acceptance is the answer... P417/418

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

So I took inventory

and I am officially
self willed
self seeking
grossly self centred
and self pitying
oh yeh and have pride
self righteous
the lazy one wotsit called?
running the show
and have fear
however I dont agree
with the truth

it must be something else..

it must be because
I dont have enough money? nope
I dont have a luvver? nope
I am a wuman? nope
the credit cruuunch? nope
I moved house, must be that one? nope
I am a mild mannered janitor? nope

Is it because I am an uptight mental detective?
cooouuuld be...



i'm off to dust some skirting boards

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

yet wishing it were different

I want to study
yet I feel completely empty
of all willingness in this area
it feels like
self will sabotage
yet at the same time
complete exhaustion
i am enjoying
comeing home from work
and cooking
bike riding
watching tv
phoning friends
going to meetings
going to church
making friends non AA locally
step 11
anything but NOT studying
I pick the book up and resent it ALL

Bill once said something like
dont worry if you cant pray
keep the willingness and at somepoint
it will begin again

I havent the willingness to study
I am resentful or work and study
and the fact the each impacts on the other
and I am in the middle
yet natural default is to just work
there is a fine line between
anylengths and self will run riot!

yet how long will not studying be enough?
will the wonder of the degree return
what I originally wanted to do
has changed
I have seen it it for what it is
and I dont want it
but there are other avenues
at the moment
I feel very closed minded
yet at the same time frustrated because
I am like this
I want to be open minded
I think I am sulking
self will run riot yet I dont really think so!

perhaps I need to fail this semester
to FEEL what I really want to do!?
imagine what it would like to be without...
ok no more analysis paralysis

ok, off to eat, write some more cards
and take a much needed inventory
ask for some desires to be removed

Monday, December 15, 2008

ordinary living

not sure
where I am at
So I am not saying very much at the moment
just doing the actions
in all areas
not really thinking

back to prayer
and learning who God is!
and how he lived and died

part of me is feeling peaceful
and part of me is standing with the challenge
faith is huge
I know that I can make it (with You)
though theyre doing me wrong
something inside is strong
and prayer is keeping me strong inside
keeping the light shining brightly
though it flickers and almost snuffs out (it feels)
even when though outside seems hard and emotionless
yet really it is burning steadily
even when I dont think it is
something inside so strong

is this for real? yes
in whose name?

faith and prayer
allows me to do things with dignity
i have no idea why I am being asked
to do these things
gonna do it anyway

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Home is where the heart is

and I am powerless
usually I know except today
I am not sure of the difference between
giving up
letting go

perhaps they are all the same
depending on the motives
motives usually makes all the difference

reading & meditation
improving conscious contact

The answers will come

Sunday, December 07, 2008

this weekend

I went to two meetings
did a chair
took some numbers
went a huge bus ride with my bike
to get it fixed and learn abit about
bike mainetenance
then biked back home... a long way
for me anyway
an enlightening journey
that what i figured was a long way away
isnt really
also found
lots of shops and other places
I will need over the next 5 years or so

See I am thinking long term
I will be here long term
so eyeballing everything
taking it all into the library
and will call upon as and when required

Got hints and tips on certain jobs around the house
and got the equipment
if it doesnt work this time
I will call in an expert
and her guess what
i fixed it this morning!
a relief in so many ways
and a boost that I not have the right tools
for a job which may come up again
and I can lend others
its not something that happens often
so the tools will sit

Rome was not built in a day
and I keep reminding myself
that I dont have to buy this
or do that right now
there is plenty of time
needs not wants
yet this house seems to have
one thing after the other
I am not sure how the previous owners
lived like this before!
its bizarre!

Today on the way to church
I saw a robin for the first time
in years in just by the path
On the way home a fox and I stood watching
each other for ages
then he turned away
I walked further and he lay
washing himself in the sunlight
its clear blue sky
and sunlight is golden
the paths are very frosts
and slippy in places
though crisp and even!
and the field behind me is no longer
soil, it has a green covering on it
which is white in the morning
I ate lunch at church
in fellowship

Today I feel at peace

Thursday, December 04, 2008

Wants and needs today

Spending time
in meditation and prayer
I have found some truth
with it ... some acceptance

No thing is more important
that my relationship with God
No thing, want, is worth losing
my physical or mental health sanity

God always gives us what we want
if we want it enough
and sometimes we suffer the consequences
of those wishes

Sometimes a dream
when it becomes a reality
is not what it seemed
and the reality is not
really in keeping
with today
and how I would like be, feel, live

Also sometimes
its necessary to be willing to let go
of what you really want
in order to find out whether
its meant to remain
what I really wanted then
I needed to know if its what I want now
and do I?
Do I really want it?

That thing
If you love someone/thing
you have to let it go
and if its meant to come back
it will

I agree
money, possessions, job, title
will not sustain happiness
long term

More prayer required
Because I have no idea
about much
All I know is that
I do not want another year like this
I was happy last year
I think

The promises are true
we can have anything we want
if we work for it
and I know this to be true
I am also knowing that
sometimes God given natural skills
combined with nurture
can mean not everything is
the right thing for us to do long term
some avenues are more dangerous long term
than others depending on whose walking down them
and what time in your life you are walking them
Sometimes getting what I want
is not necessarily what I need now
perhaps its time to let go absolutely
God will tell me when its time for me to know
in the meantime
keeping on
which at the moment
includes a great deal of letting go

the first few verses
is like my heart singing to my "self"
letting it know
that it accepts myself will always be there
and is part of me
however my heart must be the motivator
it must be the one that drives
because it is the channel to God
and where God sits in me
and no matter what myself says
my heart cant take this
and myself is coming to believe its true
and self also doesnt want heart to suffer like this
in its current form
its not working
my heart has to be true to itSELF
It is in too deep
what you have given me is in there
deep in there
To thine own self be true

If I dont Let Go of myself (all of me)
I will not grow

And I know now that if one door
is closing no matter how slowly
there will be another one opening
which I havent spotted yet

see ya