In response to a comment... Meetings are rubbish locally & i think need to look where theres no gossip or politics ....

Meetings are meetings everywhere,
always opinions flying around. 
Always gossip sadly,
and it colours peoples views. 
I prefer to make my own mind
up and go with ones that
follow steps AND traditions,
service, love and tolerence, 
all inclusive. 
So indivudually we make a choice.
 Every meeting is different flavoured. 
Step meetings have been
paramount in my experience.
Local meetings are not crap,
there are some very sober
and serene people living
the program in them, however,
there are like eeryhwere,
people who are not!

Get a sponsor do steps, 
make a homegroup, 
do service, 
and go to anylengths to make
it best meeting in area
for the newcomer. 

AA isnt a social group. 
Its a place to practice 
tradition 5  and it will do
great works for the suffering
and the serene :-)

I also found a sense of humour 
in homegroups helps, aswell :-) 
i like step meetings as people
tend to share current and past
experience using the principle 
of that particular step, 
so i get to know the people 
who are living it on adaily basis
and those who just did the steps
and those who are in the steps
at whatever point. 
Anything goes, 
aa is big enough for everyone :-)
We need diferent support 
going through steps at each step,
it brings up duffernt stuff 
and somepeole dont want 
to do steps and so need 
support in diffeent ways
in neetings.
All good for learning how to practice
love and tolerence 
of all humans in and out of rooms :-)

And i get insights in how to 
and not to perhaps act in a
current or future life issue,
when i hear how someone
else handled it... 
Step meetings rock!! 

And i make great friends 
for life, week after week, 
hear whats going on, 
gradually we open up, 
and walk along side each other...
Joys and adversity ... 
Grumpy and happy, 
a good homegroup will level u
celebrate and prop u up 
at times.... 
So that u are in best condition
for the newcomer when she walks
in scared and shakey.
Togther we are ready. 

Regarding talk bill did the 
day dr bob died...
The oldtimers gave us our lives!!!
Yeh i love that talk, 
made me soo grateful 
he made that last call in
the phonebox in the hotel, 
and got hooked up with Dr Bob,
if he hadnt made that call, 
its unlikely AA would be..... 
Yeh see u At Step mtmg if u fancy it :-)
stick with people who have what
u want and you will get waht
they have!! :-)

There's more going on than my eye can see...

Tried a new meeting
locally
it was freezing
I went to find the venue
was 90 minutes early
no where to have a coffee
went back towards the town
and had that ...
"well i could just go home now
its freezing fog
no-one would know
it wouldnt matter
can go another week" feeling
and then I remembered my primary purpose
for going to a meeting
not that I think I am God
but Tradition 5 and Step 12... reasons to not go home!
its not about me...
but in return... I get karma points right :)
for some reason!
I went and had a coffee
read a newspaper
and went back to meeting...

and met the secretary
who i find out
lives close by me than
you can imagine!
I could throw a ball in their garden
from my garden!
yeh I am pretty good at throwing
but still

neither of us know anyone else
in the vicinity
thats in the fellowship

God! your hand is at work
your plan is unfolding
and your incidences
are simply
delightful

I got a lift home
and a loan of a heater!

I have been reading scriptures lately
and listening to more
talks by Menlo Park ministers
John Ortbergs colleagues
and one just blew me away
I have listening to it over and over
again!

On Beyond Zebra Kim Englemann
based upon the beginning of the book
On Beyond Zebra by Dr Seuss
i'll post more on its significance
when I can put it into words
what I can say is that
I only listened to John Ortberg
I have loved this man for around 3 years now
his tone, his humour and love for us and God
and I thought no-one else could match
and then I listened to Kim Engleman
her voice, tone I dont really like
but her humour and love and care for people and God
I love the message
I have listened to this mp3 over and over
why? I love it! I want to go beyond Zee!
I know there is more and I am doing it
in it right now
letting go of perfection
engaging with pride and having to let go of it
more and more
show and accept my imperfect self
my sloth and its consequences
my lust and its consequences
my self will and its consequences
my greed and its consequences
my love for God and its consequences
my willingness to change and be changed and its consequences
my courage to accept all its consequences

Good and bad!! see

This journey I am having
getting to know this Jesus man
and God is getting more and more interesting
Luke 12:16-21
I have no idea when my expiry date is
whether I will be made redundant
and whether anything else bad is going to happen
so I have to trust and have more faith
monday and tuesday
my heating is getting an overhaul!
otherwise I could die a "rich" cold fool!!

off to do more study
tomorrow I become a member of the church
locally I have been going to
making friends
Am I a Christian yet?
I dont flippin' know!
no one seems to care!!!!!!!!!!!
they just say keep coming back! and read Luke...
so I am :)

Grateful for the little things
I have no control over
for now life is good
and for my facebook buddies
Poke!

Especially grateful
that once again its proven
that Gods alphabet starts
where my alphabet ends!!

Faith is the most important
feature in my life
its constant
heat or no heat
alone or with
rich or poor
joyful or sad
faith is there

Listen to the old timers and pass it on to the newcomers & chordie.com

especially listen to
the REALLY OLD ones that
keep coming back
passing it on
and on
and on
and on
and kick us up the ass
and tell the truth
and throw the duvet over at times
help us laugh
and cry
and grow... away from alcohol
and then grow up

gifts of sobriety
gifts from God

they ARE priceless
though NOT flawless!!

God bless the VERY OLD timers
who remain new AND young at heart
and show us how it works

I am VERY grateful :)

There is, however, a vast amount of fun about it all. I suppose some would be shocked at our seeming worldliness and levity. But just underneath there is deadly earnestness. Faith has to work twenty-four hours a day in and through us, or we perish. P16

LISTEN TO THE OLD TIMERS
AND PASS IT ON TO THE NEWCOMERS

Gratitude in Action

ps. to be clear
there is humour
in this post
though no sarcasm
trust me I am grateful

ps Syd if you are still guitarring
I found this great site Chordie.com
songs... hard and easy versions

Tradition 1 - Our sister the noisy drunk

1. Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends upon A.A. unity.

Without the group, there is no where for the newcomer to go to
When we were in the pub
Everyone talked and no-one listened
In the meetings
we talk one at a time
Sharing our experience strength and hope
For the newcomer who wants it

If someone disrupts the meeting
like our sister the noisy drunk
or without social skills
or just plain disruptive
or whatever
We are entitled to ask that person to leave
If necessary call the police
So that the meeting may continue
ready for when that person
if they want to has a meeting to come back to
or any other newcomer that drops by
who may be ready to hear its message
of recovery

Tradition 5. Each group has but one primary purpose—to carry its message to the alcoholic who still suffers.

Continual sharing of negativity
is not helpful
neither is unfocussed ranting
in meetings

We share in a general way
Experience Strength and hope

for the newcomer's
keep coming back
and stick with the winners

Comment Moderation re-enabled
For the moment

God bless

Tradition 11 - Attraction NOT promotion - safeguarding the future of AA for the still suffering alcoholic who hasnt made it YET

Tradition 11 - Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, and films

Its easy to get bogged down with
oh well I can ignore this tradition
its about
press, radio, film
so it doesnt apply to me?
Wrong!
So whats it mean to the likes of me or you
who "today" is unlikely to
be pressed, radiod or filmed?

I speak for myself here
I look at what does apply, not what doesnt
what I can apply and not what I cant
and strive to maintain it
Public relations... thats anyone not in AA
whom I come into contact with
Attraction not promotion
this is practicing these principles in ALL my affairs
It is helpful to the still suffering
or the out their wilding it about unaware

When I apply the principles of this
programme at work
my colleague knows I led a "wild" drinking life
(wild is not a word i would use :D)
and likens it to hers...currently !?
she knows I have stopped
She knows the consequences became to disturbing
she identifies when I discuss my past
she knows her drinking is a problem
she hasnt yet reached a point
where she has had enough

So my job is to be of maximum helpfulness
and do my job, rock solid
even when she cant, and doesnt
I do
it helps her, that i am there
no matter what

I have no idea what the future holds
But I do know that
by leading by example it helps her
By living the spiritual way of life
I help her

A cousin is well in drinking himself to insanity
I have been watching
speaking with him (on and off) about AA
and them about Al-Anon
(for friends and families of alcoholics)
not rescuing, helping and letting go
helping and letting go over the last 4 years
often repeating myself
which is so often what you guys did for me..
until we are ready to hear
My uncle called me up recently and asked what he could do
This man is a proud man, retired armed forces...
big pint drinker... though not a drunk (i dont think!)
to call anyone up and admit he is beaten
and at a loss what to do with his son
IS a credit to AA and attraction not promotion
its not me, I am just the message carrier

By NOT standing in judgement or
the great know it all Alcoholic expert
just by being me
by being a responsible daughter
practicing patience, tolerence and love
with my Dad, it helped my dad, talk with his brother

We have a responsiblility when we get well
to carry the message (Step 12) and safeguard this thing
for the future alcoholic who wants it (Trad 5)

When? How long for?
The answer my friends is now and forever
Both of which reside in the present moment

Heres an extract from Paulo Coelho's Blog
I read today which
inspired the post along with my
Home group last night which was
on Tradition 11

Thinking about future generations

When he was a young man, Abin-Alsar overheard a conversation his father had with a dervish.

‘Be careful how you act,’ said the dervish. ‘Think about how your actions might affect future generations.’

‘What have I got do with future generations?’ said his father. ‘I won’t ever meet them. When I die, that will be that, and I don’t care what my descendants say about me.’

Abin-Alsar never forgot this conversation. All his life, he tried to do good, to help people and to carry out his work with enthusiasm.

He became known as a man who cared about others. When he died, he left behind him a large number of charitable projects which considerably improved the standard of living in his city.

He had ordered the following epitaph to be engraved on his tomb:

‘A life that ends with death is a life not worth living.’

.................................................................
Is your life affected by someone's drinking?
To help them, you have to help yourself first
call Al-Anon/Alateen
.................................................................
.... This week, I have had a massive hit of
"new vocabulary" OUCH!
... and acceptance
I will be wearing a dictionary in my left hand
for the forseeable future :)

Prison Service

Note to God
Dear God I love ya, Am grateful for
being sober and useful
carrying the message of recovery in a prison this evening
One common problem
One VERY REAL solution
One alky helping another
by telling the truth
The language of the heart
I nearly 4 years in AA, I rarely hear many men
share in their stories they have been sexually abused
Tonight 4 out of 8 men shared back that they had been sexually abused
(1 of them I am told had hardly said anything until tonight
about what his experience is)
2 spoke very little
2 shared general stuff
For me it is part of my experience
so I just said that I was
just as I said again it dont make me an alky
I know how alone and isolating it was
and how much of a relief it was to hear
other people who had been where I had been
and who were NO LONGER VICTIMS of it

Thank you God, you amaze me more and more each day
The TRUTH will and does set me and others free

Home Groups - Stick With The Winners

Home groups for me are where I get to see
how the Steps works on other people (and they in me)
by WATCHING and LISTENING to them.
And going for coffee after and doing the same (for ages)

As I turned up week after week, I saw how the meeting worked
how it got set up, SERVICE in action
I saw the people change, straighten up, lighten up, smile,
look weller etc, these people were doing the STEPS,
they shared about RECOVERY
and how they used the programme in their lives.
I asked the secretary to consider me when
jobs (SERVICE positions) came up in the group.

Even though I generally felt very uncomfortable,
they gave me hope.
I felt more comfortable in certain meetings but they
havent ended up my home group.

In EARLY days it can be tempting to sit in meetings
listening to people sharing about problems and confusion,
same old week after week, it natural, because its where we are at too.

My SPONSOR pointed me in the direction of Meetings
that were RECOVERY focussed, rather than problem focussed.
Once I had identified my problem, it was time to look for the solution.

I've been tempted to go to struggling meetings,
Sponsor suggested not.

I was to get to the very BEST meetings,
a good suggestion i found.

Look for the upbeat recovery focussed people are
STICK with the WINNERS
Find the BEST meetings where the comfy,
happy, friendly, helpful people are,
those who CONSISTANTLY encourage
RECOVERY & FELLOWSHIP.

Home groups are for me NOW are where I go and
pass on the message of recovery, and along with the Group,
we try to make it as welcoming to the newcomer as possible,
we have fellowship an hour before the meeting starts,
a break in the middle and food after, again for fellowship.
We turn up early and leave late,

The newcomer IS a sick friend

Like if you were inviting someone home
You WOULD be there before they arrived, prepared
and wouldnt leave and go to bed til they'd gone

There are lots of people going through the steps,
all willing to share their experience with each other,
provide encouragement before and after the meeting.

There are lots of men and women available to sponsor.

Its a friendly safe place.

Try ALL the meetings. No contempt prior to investigation.

My home groups now, I wouldnt have touched with a
barge pole in my early days... they were all much to well
sorted for me!! Now I am I fit ? dare I say (perfectly:-)

Shows me that in early days I need to take suggestions,
Because I have no idea!!

Theres an AA book called The Home Group heart beat of AA,
its got lots of AA's experiences of what a home group means to them,
taken from Grapevine AA's Journal.
http://www.aagrapevine.org/catalog/shop/books.php
shows you it

Lovin it

Writing an article

Blogging is relatively easy
It means more to me that you
and thats ok, its a choice

I volunteered to write an article
I made a commitment pass on some experience
Had to glue my ass to the seat last few evenings
and just 'uckin do it

Its abit like doing guitar lessons
Its fun when I pick and choose my favourite tunes off the internet
BUT Getting down to the homework I have been set, takes much more effort

Yeh as always, no-ones holding a gun to my head
But this is service
And it helps me grow, talking with the "editor"
The inevitable "chopping bits out"
Ego puncture

he didnt give me a set number of words to start with
Bad move son!!
he just said write and we'll reduce it after

Any way 1st draft sent off tonight
10 days early

Let Go now

gym programme done tonight EXACTLY what she set me
Now thats magic
enDolphins ? are working in me

The "meeting after the meeting"

So we think cheerfulness and laughter make for usefulness. Outsiders are sometimes shocked when we bust into merriment over a seemingly tragic experience out of the past. But why shouldn’t we laugh? We have recovered, and have been given the power to help others. P132

I have just had a really enjoyable Friday evening

Left work at 5pm
Had done it all thoroughly
Went to the gym
Went to get some food
Went to home group early
"ready for the newcomer/still suffering,
even if its not apparant that there is any"
enjoyed time with friends, fellows, visitors
catching up with the weeks happenings
joys, discoveries, same old, progress, procrastination

In our meeting room we have a kitchen
and its still is the place
where allsorts of "stuff" is discussed
Aswell as what can I get you tea or coffee, I caught words like
Ferrets and birds eyes!! on my way to and from getting some tea
people were laughing

After the meeting
15 minutes for coffee and a chat
then off to the local cafe for a bite to eat, coffee and fellowship

Sometimes there are no newpeople
tonight was one of those evenings
The topics that come up when this happens are varied
One of them tonight was
what it was like
bad kareoke, puking on partners after a night out, incontinence
how much laughter was there
no longer afraid or wishing to forget, there is no need

We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. P83

soo much laughter were we sober ?
about 7/10 one of us was post step 9
the others were somewhere between steps 1 and 5 also regular members
These are the Friday evenings I used to dream about
Nights like these, these fellows become more and more my friends
We open up, about what we like what we dont like
accept and then get the last train home
Tomorrow I will have no regrets or amends to make

I love my Friday home group
Its a right good Friday night out with me mates!!

a little gathering of men and women, happy in their release, and constantly thinking how they might present their discovery to some newcomer.P159

Oh yeh almost forgot about the actual meeting :-D
Step 7
Humbly asked Him to remove all our shortcomings
Its talking about our defects
Watch this space

Happy weekend all

We are sure God wants us to be happy, joyous, and free.P133

I agree. End of!!

All page refs Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous

Personal relations - recent Progress

What happened is that
another pedestal and old idea
has come down, it crashed on Friday
I feel so much better

I have been wrestling with this pig in my head
for a few weeks now, refusing to put it
on paper

As soon as I did I felt humbled
Another teachable moment where I had
Got it all wrong, what seemed perfectly
rational, I had sussed the defect in my head
and was dealing with it appropriatelly

On paper it became clear it was a completely
different defect, that was driving this
wrestling match

I have had to stop taking other people inventory
ie 2nd guessing again why they are behaving the way they are
around me, even though its positive behaviour
I always assume I am the underdog
in need of a leg up
and why arent they assuming that same old position
of footstool

Today I feel different
today i am already up
and i couldnt see it
I am myself
I am enough
It has worked
it is working
it will continue to

people behave diffently towards me now
because I am different

I hadnt really understood what was had occurred
until Friday evening in a Step 6 meeting
am still shocked by this and suprised
pleasantly
there are no coincidences
I forgot about this step

Step 6
Were entirely ready to have God remove
all these defects of character
Well am I? am I still willing?
what defect is it this time ?
-that means, letting go of an old idea that around certain people
I will always be a lustful and self seeking
-if i wont, that means, I do not trust this process
-that means, I have not handed all my difficulties over
I am holding something back
-that means I need to take a step back to Step 3 on something
still didnt feel right
yeh on this difficulty I needed to go back to step3
and then take inventory

Step 6 = I have to be willing to let go of them all
it doesnt say when or how its about being willing
God I could go on for hours!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I did let go and took inventory again
It showed me that I was wrong about the
defects that have been driving this recent wrestle
My thinking is so unreliable
Fear holds me back
Self will is disastrous left inside my head

Take inventory
Its alwasy easier to take someone inventory
inventory showed me
What I was unwilling to do was accept I would ever
make any progress around someone
No longer were the same defects driving me
I thougt they were, again I cannot rely on my thinking

It was simply fear = of progress of the unfamiliar
and self will = this person wasnt assuming the position
of fixer I was usd to and i didnt like that cos this
new stuff seemed unfamiliar, therefor it must be a problem

I couldnt see. I have made progress
Taking inventory has very positive effects

the Power of God and using the tools
God has done for me what I couldnt do form myself
Sorry and all that, I got it very wrong God
Lack of faith in your power

Now I have a message of recovery
My primary purpose is to stay sober and help other alcoholics
Whether on a blog or in a meeting or anywhere
end of

Gods response... in a gentle but firm voice
Johno just continue to be yourself
its enough, no need to be afraid
Do not be discouraged
Progress not prefection
Keep on keeping on

ok, i will

I Quit the Debating Society

I asked the question "Am I recovered?"

An old timer I would consider "recovered"
uttered along the lines of
"We alcoholics can get in to heated discussion about things"
he gave me his definition
yeh made sense
still not satisfied

I spoke with my sponsor yesterday
who uttered, how can we be sure ?
the person is practicing these principles in all there affairs?
am I sure they are ?

the truth is i dunno
the answer now seems irrelevent

What I do know is that this question
has diverted me from my primary purpose
At my home groups
Its not helpful for me to hang around
debating whether I am recovered or not
(me the great me)

Johno Just Get Over Yourself
And get on with it
cos inevitably if pursued further
will lead to you
making a complete ass of yourself

Thank you Friend of Bill
for your .. We are never "cooked" post this week

Prison Service - will I fit ?

Have been "thinking" about doing prison service

.....since I was 2 years sober

That was nearly 2 years ago!!


This week I got the prison contacts from

our intergroup service workshop

I have signed up for a chair in a local prison next month

At a meeting the next day they wanted people to do

chairs in another prison... I put my name down

There are no coincidences


Service keeps me sober & gives me inner strength

Staying sober & doing service gives me opportunities

get out of my Comfort Zone

grow into new comfort zones

Natural progressions

Growth with a real purpose P77

Tradition 5


Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum

service to God and the people about us. P77

How will I know where I fit ? By giving it a go

Getting into the middle of the AA bed

I wont know if I fit til I get in or out and about

with the people about us

Your job now is to be at the place where you may

be of maximum helpfulness to others, so never

hesitate to go anywhere if you can be helpful. p102

No hesitation this week

Get In There!!

AA Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous

Faith Without Works is Dead P14,P76, P88

Another lesson

Went away two weeks
make amends
take a holiday

read 3 books
(this is huge progress, as could read a paragraph
a few years ago, without mind wandering)
lots of prayer
lots of meditation
developing that vital sixth sense P85
all moving in the right direction

BUT self obsession kicked in after about 10days
Went to a meeting, shared
talked after with someone new
i felt, lighter

came back did usual
extra meetings, on the "hunt" for new people
gave lots away
now I feel like nothings touching me

Have moved up a gear
wings have streamlined

While away...
Had the Faith, did the prayer, meditation
Lots of answers came, as they tend too nowadays
But No-one to give it away to
no purpose...
I forgot Tradition 5 & Preamble

Lesson is, I did nothing "wrong"
I simply learned a truth by experiencing BOTH
Faith without works is dead P14, P76, P88
and Faith with works is very much alive
Nothing is in the big book by accident
Its in the book for a reason
Its NO coincidence its in there 3 times
Everything in the book was written by recovered/ing
for recovering alcoholics

To duplicate, with such backing, what we have accomplished is only a matter of willingness, patience and labor. P163

Now I know

Keep on Keeping on

page refs Big Book Alcolholics Anonymous

Ps I had the best holiday
which included
24hours away with my brother
this included
Table Mountain
Robben Island
the brother time was so special
we have never, ever been away just the two of us
This was such a gift

the gifts just keep coming
Thank you

Questions for Conference

Created much comments tonight
some sayalot
some say a little
some agree
some dont

Its fab having a home group
that discusses questions for conference
We have a wealth of experience
at group, intergroup, region and conference levels
I came in to the meeting with my view
and then it changed, as a result of the evidence
presented from AA literature, by "older" group members
This is cool stuff

Am becoming a GSR thats interested in
the guidelines, reading Bill W's concepts

AA literature... all of it is such a gift
as is often said
AA is Divinely Inspired
Much of the writing is visionary
It doesnt date
Easy to use stuff that works in all my affairs
Another part of this "design for living" p28

It dont all make sense if i read it to know
to feed my ego, make me knowledgeable...
It makes sense when its meant to when its needed
When I need to know, I am shown

Service Rocks!!

P28 Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous

I landed today - with JEFF

The greatest enemies of us alcoholics are resentment,
jealousy, envy, frustration, and fear. P145 Alcoholics Anonymous

Jealous of people I perceive to be what I am not... comparing
Envy of people who have what I want, but cant have... is a lie... it stopped working
Frustration at myself for feeling the above, arent i passed all that now... me the great me
Fear that I will not be able to overcome this lot... ever... hopeless case obviously

JEFF Jealousy, Envy, Frustration, Fear
JEFF, also gave me further stuf... some self pity...
poor fuckin me, am not as well as i thought i was
They are all wrong, am still just a fuck up

I also got told/suggested not to take on any more commitments
Too overloaded, with step4 already... "ok" i sulked

self centeredly i took it as personal insult...
... i obviously am doing it ALL wrong
I may aswell ditch all my future plans then...
Cancel all plans at the weekend, which will inturn impact Christmas
Fuckit I am staying in bed at the weekend to think about it all
Infact dont anyone ever approach me for advice, am too sick
See my best thinking today... lovely thoughts

How unreal, YET VERY REAL my thinking can spiral downwards

Thank God for my home group
Thank God for people who walked this path before me
Thank God for the visitor
You are my teachers
You that tells me your truth, which i learn to be my truth
Thank God I can see alot of the insanity of my thinking
Thank God am not scared to get honest, in an attempt to find the truth

Today has not been effortless
Today I have been doing anylength
Today has been about doing it anyway
Today my old ideas, crept into my head
Today i just did what was suggested
Today I just accepted, I am working it, todays just an odd day
Thank God I dont have to make it on my own
Grateful of the experience of coming down from the convention high
I will try and remember how it was
Its part of the process

Am gonna pray now
for the willingness & removal of my self centred fear
and for acceptance that This Too Shall Pass

Sober and grateful
Tired... so sleep then
Let today Go now, its History

Blind faith the only faith

It works if you work it
It really does
This praying for someone
does something
it disables anger
it free's up head space
it lets in the sunlight

Am still sulking inside
Accepting where I am is taking time
Accepting it takes time, takes practice
am practicing

Am looking at being useful
Giving, instead of receiving in other areas
Giving in a manner of ways
Not just in AA
Like minded people who give back
I think i have just found somethings am interested in
I can fill my time with
Volunteering
Get me out of my comfort zone
Fresh air & Green pastures

Its only a thought
But all things start as a thought
Thought is the start of creation
2006 a green year ?
a breakthru i think

Am grateful to be sober
Healthy
In work
Bills payed
Friends
Family
Fellowship
a God thats showing me who I am and showing me his will for me
willing to look
seeking to be true to myself
opportunities
love
service
Being Sober even when it dont seem it sometimes - the truth is IT ROCKS

Without AA I would be nothing
Without AA I would not be

As a member of AA
My Primary purpose is to stay sober &
help other alcoholics to acheive sobriety
Is that it??? Is that it ???
No my friend AA is much more than that
Its magical, its given me a life I never had before
Its giving me opportunities
It gives me purpose
I am useful (yes it still sticks to say it)
Its an experience not to be missed
Am glad I didnt quit before the miracle
It works if i work it, it dont if i dont
Its true

Restless Irritable & Discontented

Today, woke up full of me again, takes ages for me to summon up the willingness to be willing. But I did, I find it really hard in the mornings. Every morning & wake up with the same old sick me full of disease, wake up trapped in my head. In a strange mental blank spot, wher i forget everything programme. Takes ages to summon up a connection to even get a tiny inkling of HP, and once I do, its ok, but its a dangerous time for me. FUCKIT BUTTON time, could get up, could roll over and beat myself up for another hour.... absent myself from the present.

I dunno, i'll figure it out at some point, the answer will come if am willing.

kicked some defects into touch tonight, my pride & self centred fear has been blocking me from sharing infront of a few "people that know" me well. I have been praying for the willingness to get sharing, and it just dont happen. That seeking for approval, not sharing incase i am crap and they dont like me or what i say dont make sense. Not exactly my thoughts because am in denial, but thats what its all about, or something like that. Hp kicked in and got me to do a chair last minute tonight.

Tonight I did a chair (yeh me) at a meeting they only get "well" people to do, and it was a last minute one. I still got a disbelief that I am worthy to Chair at these meetings but aswell, i am learning to take a bit of a pat on the back, because I had to be willing and put the effort in to follow principles, to change my thinking. Guess what the "people" were at the meeting. Once I shared why I was nervous, outed my dis-ease & what defects it was about, my sharing got easier. I forgot they were there. My need for approval lessened. As other people shared back, i reaslised, it was ok, it didnt matter what they thought, its about carrying the message, did someone get something from it. Its not about getting approval when sharing.

I got a resentment when one of the people left the meeting to talk wi a newcomer, yeh selfish of me huh, our job is to carry the message, and that was what was being done, by both of us. Getting other peoples approval is not what AA is about, standing up tall no matter what... resentment lessened. But another resentment came when they told me the "they didnt hear much of it, but were sure it was a went ok" Why assume, share your experience, not maybe, probly, whatever. Grrrr. Yeh i dont need compliments or half a one. I really am powerless over what comes out of people mouths.

Its at that point i realised even if I had been told it was a good chair by that person & how well I have done, i would have been wondering why, and wanted more approval, because nothing is ever enough for this needy alky. I have the tools to deal with a resentment, but not a compliment or half a one.

I knew my ego would get punctured at some point, thats what Sponsors are for. Serenity broken, i left with my defects and a resentment. My job was done, I had carried a message in the meeting & then lost my serenity with my sponsor. I still got a long way to go, am willing, but not always able. Am imperfect, its progress not perfection.

Thank God for Step 10's, thank God for Prayer, thank god for step7, its bin a good day apart from that.

Am not happy joyeus and free in my heart, this too will pass, but I am sober and keeping on. It was a good day, i grew somewhat & realised I not 4 more steps to "do"