Monday, April 12, 2010

You will learn the full meaning of "Love thy neighbour as thy self" p153

To thine own self be true
be youself, not what other people want, expect you to be
Be a realist 
not am optimist or a pesimist. 
Accept what you can't change, 
chnage what you can 
And pray for what you need
Needs not wants will be satisfied. 
Ask for what you want if you like, 
if you don't get it
it's not because you are being punished
God (as I understand Him)doesn't punish
It's either because you aren't meant to have, now, never or because something better is on it's way :) 
I needed a relationship with God first
I would not have been ready for a man before I have right relationship wi God. I also really had No idea 
what an ideal relationship was
Not up close like i see them now
This last 18 months I have hung around many loving relationships 
that have what I want. 
It is possible & I have an idea how now. I also know the wives 
I will be able to talk to when I need to talk about my husband or 
check I am on the right track!! 
Abit like old timers in AA
it's hard to be patient.. 
When you have no idea whether
A partner mate is on the horizon
Or not!!
It's the character building stuff
12x12 talks about
For about the first 5 years 
I have been getting well within AA
No way did I have capacity ability
Mental physical spiritual stability
To offer equal or any semblance
Of how it really is to commit to
A long term relationship 24/7
I really had no idea
The 13 year relationship I had before
Was based on fear, desparation
Guilt, shame, loneliness
A feeling if freakiness
This is all I deserved
This is all I was capable was
And perhaps.... The last statement
Was true

It's taken hard work but it's only in the last 18months or so
That I feel like I have passed for normal whatever that is
That I could do a relationship
And still I choose to make friends
My intuition and what I see an want
Is someone that I find within
My own community
Who knows it may e where I am now
It may be an aa, it may be in my
Church network
I believe it will be the best when it comes :)
And I am still changeing
Getting better all the time
Never perfect yet at times
Feeling part of perfect moments

In AA I have been encouraged to
Go for Gold
The best
Aim for prefection
Settle for exellence/brilliance
Etc etc

The homegroup I am at
I consider the best
Otherwise why am I going? 
The friends I have in my life
Thesedays are the best
(best because they are themselves
Let me be myself, all imperfect)
Work colleage relationships are
Best because I am learning to let the be just that, work colleagues
My church is the best
My cat is just brilliant
My sobriety is amazing
The spiritual toolkit is perfect
God is just perfect
Relationships are it

God is Love perfect Love 
not vindictive, punishing or vengeful
He doesn't score points
He always forgives
always wipes the slate clean everytime
he loves us each individually equally he wants the best for us/you 
He will only give us
What we can handle on any given day. He Will not give us anything today that we cannot handle
We just have to accept  
work with god, 
let him work with you

Friendships are relatoonships.
Which need a spiritual toolkit to maintain 
I believe that we have been given fellows at homegriups 
To turn up week after week and love, forgive, tolerate, 
Excersize honest, willing, openmindedness, humility, encourage, share, listen, keep quiet, tell the truth, empathise, love, make mistakes with, make amends to, say sorry, say I love you, laugh with cry with, trust, grow up with. Grow old with. 

We the use the same tools in making friends outside AA
finding community outside is like finding a homegriups, we all have slightly diferent needs. 
Maybe try other peoples homegriups and make it your own or start your own or find another when you find your feet. 
It all takes work
then you get to now your friends
and use the tools learnt previously. 
The difference is that these new friends are not alkys
However they are are undoubtedly
Imperfect just like me/you
And very likely undisciplined
And very likely to be unaware of
What exactly drives them
On a daily basis
Except as I hang around my church more and get involved I see how
When Love true Christian Love
Not the authority, judgemental
Hypocritical power driven pretense
I mean real deep set love for one and other, giving of time, heart, mind 
It is beautiful to be a part of
Not all churches are like that
it's imprssive to see exactly how they do it seemingly without effort and with effort. 
Salvation army is full of love
you only have to see some of the comments on facebook
nearly all comments are 
Salvation army friends thesedays :) 

Its no coincidence salvationa army
Was founded by a couple of christians
To church the alcoholics, addicts
Mentally ill, poor, theives, etc
Those not accepted by other churches

I love salvation army as a church people are down to earth
Respectful, Encouraging, fun loving,  everything I am looking for. 
Except for money and status, there is no ego or greed. Is humility and encouragement for the each other an love for those that need. 
Service is key which is why salvation army's slogan is 'belief in action'  :) 

There are the politics, red tape and
Old fashioned traditions which
Some I think came out of the ark...
And I have no idea whether I will get
Rejected at any hurdle
But I may aswell try an see what happens, it will improve me if nothing else :)
The last 14 years in finance
Has had plenty of ego driven rubbish
To sift through, sitting infront of a pc crunching numbers Is not where my future lies I don't think!

I needed a personal relationship with
Big book says make use of books and people
My path has gone like this 
If you want to get a personal relationship with God 
get to know Jesus, 
I do
It was suggested to me 
to read The gospel Luke
I did and I have :) 

it was a bit like Reading big book at first, paragraph at a time, 
ReReading it Because it doesn't go in
not getting it, being inspired, 
all the same stuff, dufferent book
it helps sitting in services/meetings hearing the message
brought to life be our pastor
And other sermons I hear
and living in community with my church and seeing them walk the walk.
And those who just talk the talk
Or play in the band
Very like AA except it's not anonymous
I can talk about this amazing love 
I have been given and all the opportuniy and not break any anonymity :) 
see if I didn't know jesus
 then church wouldnt be any different to Aa really god wise
God would just be something that I would have to pray to alone, 
my idea of god, in isolation
In church I can get to know god with others :) the same god, a loving god, who wants us to live each other, communicate, 
live in community, 
be ourselves and be with others.
Love thy neighbour as thy self - big book- vision for you p153
Love you neighbour as yourself - bible Mark 12:31 

Thursday, April 08, 2010

Quantitative Easing Explained - How the Economy Works..... An interesting bit if email spam

It is the month of August, on the shores of the Black Sea . It is

raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. It is tough

times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town.

He enters the only hotel, lays a €100 Euro note on the reception

counter, and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick


The hotel proprietor takes the €100 Euro note and runs to pay his

debt to the butcher.

The Butcher takes the €100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to

the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the €100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt

to the supplier of his feed and fuel.

The supplier of feed and fuel takes the €100 Euro note and runs

to pay his debt to the town prostitute that in these hard times

gave her service on credit.

The hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the €100

Euro Note to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she

rented when she brought her clients there.

The hotel proprietor then lays the €100 Euro note back on the

counter so That the rich tourist will not suspect anything.

At that moment, the rich tourist comes down after inspecting the

rooms, and takes his €100 Euro note, after saying that he did not

like any of the rooms, and leaves town.

No one earned anything.

However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the

future with a lot of optimism.

And that, ladies and Gentlemen, is how the United States , United

Kingdom & Australian Governments are doing business

Wednesday, April 07, 2010

Passing for normal

I read this from ifob

and wrote this (and added some today)

I like meetings aswell, 
unless I am grumpy, 
although I am loving 
making friends in other outside groups. I miss all the London meetings yet know it's my time at the moment to explore outside relations aswell.

I don't want to ever think 
I don't need meetings. 
It's an insult to the first 100 members I think!! 
To get well and turn away entirely.
Would be like forgetting the person who donated an organ 
and the surgeons and crew 
that saved my life, 
I hope it never happens.

Each to their own 
but you have my permission 
to kick my ass if i every become ungrateful or turn away entirely.

I always want to remain grateful, what I have is very precious, 
no matter how dark 
it sometimes appears. 
The dark bits help me 
appreciate the light more :)

I believe aswell that when I left London I had an idea of how to use 'the program' for all problems. 

Yet I have learned 
Am learning how to deal with issues, not that steps don't. 
Steps help me to see what's th problem
realise and accept 
I cannot solve it and dont need to splve it sufficiently alone, 
Need and do seek help, 
Need to write out what's blocking me accepting help or following suggestions then discuss it appropriately.
Then decide if I really want to 
Change, take action, stop doing etcetc
Pray for gods imput, defect removal
Courage, help, Power etc 
If haven't left it too long with my head in the sand, 
dithering on the side
Its unlikely any harm has been done, 
just a bit of time wasting. 
I should then be in a position to move forward, sideways, backwards, upwards, any road up
 armed with the best help, 
Best process available at that moment likely outcomes, obstacles unearthed and prepared for and 
defects etc rightsized.

Other people deal with issues like this.
Other people deal with issues without this, and better :)
There are many also who just haven't got a clue and like untreated alkys, flounder around causing havoc, despairing, frustrated and feeling hopeless.

I am lucky to be involved in a church which takes action and loves people
I feel blessed to see how people deal
With their own problems and others.
It's really giving me an insight in the spiritual toolkit and general tools of life that I really really haven't got!! 
I have to pick them up everyday
They are not naturally part of me
I really would get it very wrong 
Without them!!

It's inspiring just how people do it
Lifes joys and advrsity
Each are challenging
And each can bring on the need to run
Or shut it down 
Instead of experienceing and getting to know it
And at the same time I, like you
Inspire others too

We all help each other
Flounderers and action takers
Step nazi's and fluffys

I feel like I have grown alot
In the last 18months
Become part of a community
Passed for normal
Whatever that is
My neighbours ask for things
I ask for stuff back
We swap keys
I am known around the neighbourhood
And I like it
I have no shame
Making friends on in all walks

Amazing what can happen when 
You pray loads and follow
The dictates of someone elses higher power
And then when you have evidence
He becomes your Loving God too :)

On way to next to last bereavement course. 
Very helpful to me
Am sure It will help
At somepoint someone else :)


Monday, April 05, 2010

Much too much

I love my dad
I don't like his relatonship with money
I don't like my attitude to money either
I would like a happy medium

I used to be able to do many things
yet I am out if practice
and some basic stuff seems
such an effort

yet I an comparing myself aswell
with people with far more experience
years wise in these things
just being around them inspires me
aswell as deflates me

I have realised that I do not
want to live another 50 years

yet I do not want to jump into
intimacy through loneliness
desperation or outside influence

I love my aa home group
the regulars, the drop ins
the love and the detachment
yet it's not enough
it takes work to maintain
it takes openmindedness
it takes acceptance
it takes letting go of control
it takes love of the similarities
and love of the differences

I love my church group
the regulars, the drop ins
the love and the detachment
yet it's not enough
it takes work to maintain
it takes openmindedness
it takes acceptance
it takes letting go of control
it takes love of the similarities
and love of the differences
players take on diffrent roles
diffrent places on the stage
maybe changing from week
to week
all making up the whole
all important
yet dependant on no one

I feel a deep sadness
most days I can't seem to shake
yet I feel the joys so often and
have right attitudes
right relations all over the place
gods will is priority

I think I know what the problem is
and I am afraid it will be
my Achilles heel
that I don't want to be
who I am
that I can't be who what I want
to be

I need to resume
decent prayer and journal
time again
or steps 10,11

12 is happening naturally
in all my affairs
alkys will be put in my path
in gods time not mine

May, I'll try to do a prison service again

I know that my relationship
with god is the most important
after this weekend
I can see why
I love my father yet
I cannot rely on him
or his suggestion advice
or love or presecnce
in my life
hard to describe
but i keep having these
priority shifts
all feels like griowth
suppose I could take a rusk
and describe it as a series of
spiritual experiences

keep breathing
don't quit
turn up
keep on keeping on
have faith