Monday, April 05, 2010

Much too much

I love my dad
I don't like his relatonship with money
I don't like my attitude to money either
I would like a happy medium

I used to be able to do many things
yet I am out if practice
and some basic stuff seems
such an effort

yet I an comparing myself aswell
with people with far more experience
years wise in these things
just being around them inspires me
aswell as deflates me

I have realised that I do not
want to live another 50 years
single

yet I do not want to jump into
intimacy through loneliness
desperation or outside influence

I love my aa home group
the regulars, the drop ins
the love and the detachment
yet it's not enough
it takes work to maintain
grow
relationships
it takes openmindedness
it takes acceptance
it takes letting go of control
it takes love of the similarities
and love of the differences

I love my church group
the regulars, the drop ins
the love and the detachment
yet it's not enough
it takes work to maintain
grow
relationships
it takes openmindedness
it takes acceptance
it takes letting go of control
it takes love of the similarities
and love of the differences
players take on diffrent roles
diffrent places on the stage
maybe changing from week
to week
all making up the whole
all important
yet dependant on no one

I feel a deep sadness
most days I can't seem to shake
yet I feel the joys so often and
have right attitudes
right relations all over the place
gods will is priority

I think I know what the problem is
and I am afraid it will be
my Achilles heel
that I don't want to be
who I am
that I can't be who what I want
to be

I need to resume
decent prayer and journal
time again
or steps 10,11

12 is happening naturally
in all my affairs
alkys will be put in my path
in gods time not mine

May, I'll try to do a prison service again

I know that my relationship
with god is the most important
after this weekend
I can see why
I love my father yet
I cannot rely on him
or his suggestion advice
or love or presecnce
in my life
hard to describe
but i keep having these
priority shifts
all feels like griowth
suppose I could take a rusk
and describe it as a series of
spiritual experiences

keep breathing
don't quit
turn up
keep on keeping on
have faith

pray
pray
listen
pray

:)

6 comments:

Gabriella Moonlight said...

johno

I just adore your blog...you always help me to see things I need to learn about myself, to let go, to let God, to just be...

You are amazing and so glad you're on the blogosphere...

Peace
Gabi

Syd said...

Johno, I don't know if you qualify but have you ever considered attending Al-Anon as well as AA? I heard a great speaker the other week talk about how he felt he was missing something in AA in terms of serenity but was able to find it in Al-Anon. He now goes to both fellowships.

Joe said...

Sounds like you are all over the place, yet know exactly where you are. Your description on relationships with your group are right on, I can identify with a lot of your words.

"gods will is priority"

That one is what I need to keep up front for me.

Thanks for the blogging

chitowngreg said...

Thank you for this. Just try to focus on what you're getting done and enjoy that. Continuing to put one foot in front of the other will lead to all kinds of good places in your life. Have a good one!

An Irish Friend of Bill said...

i think lonliness changes over time in recovery. perhaps it is still working its way out of your system?
all i know is that most ppl only have a few good friends. the rest are just aquaintences.
relationships: sometimes the only way to figure things out is to try it out and see what happens.
but nomatter what, all relationships lead you to a realisation that we are all petty ego driven creatures, who have to be on our best behaviour so as to not out our foot in it. and we all make ! stupid mistakes, and get tired and grumpy from time to time.

apart from that, everything is really easy! :)

johno said...

Thanks everyone for your suggestions and encouragement, much appreciated :)