Wednesday, February 09, 2011

Hiding behind Multi Media - the illusion of "communication"

I am really noticing at the moment
how the art of communication
ever changing evolving

the world has got much smaller
yet at the same time
it is actually preventing
conversations
discussions
things getting things done
the point is not always clear
and often missed
the meaning is distorted
and is often overlooked

Email after email after email
trails everywhere
waiting for responses
taking time writing responses
to responses
misinterpretation
misunderstandings
half stories
self seeking
not giving all the information
because it can be omitted
people rarely ask why or why not on email
its in writing a potential confrontation
by email.... so people take whats written
on face value
and try and get by
yet behind the screen
sitting in bewilderment
resentment
fear
defensive

picking up the phone today
and walking across the room
and talking to someone
over and over
picking up the phone again
discussing in person
with others involved
I HOPE has resolved something
faster
than it would by the lethargy sloth
and acceptance of the unacceptable
that its ok to put off til tomorrow
which could actually get done today
if we only spoke about it
and someone got up and saw it through

ok off my rant soapbox
I too hide or have hidden
or dont say what I want to say
allow others to hide and not respond
to perfectly reasonable questions
because we are free to take part or not
answer or not
and not give any justifications or not
to our actions

Having gone through years
of angst about picking up the phone
to sponsors or other AA's
because I
dont want to be a burden
dont want to say outloud what I really want to say
am afraid of what the other person will say
afraid to be a part of ... which
is what we are trying to do
be a part of a conversation
communicating with someone
for some reason

confrontation
or just having a friendly conversation
has become a thing of the past

hiding behind a haze of drunkenness
or behind a screen of glass/plastic

feels the same sometimes

yet when i pick up the phone
tell the truth
say what I want
let the other person speak
and come to a compromise
ie LET LOVE IN

its feels amazing

Wednesday, February 02, 2011

Good news you get your feelings back.... Bad news you get your feelings back .... Sometimes quickly sometimes slowly.... :-)

I just been through an... i have taken on too much and and now letting go of many things, stripping back to basics, prioritising, learning to say no and i cant do this anymore period. 

Just also committed to 1 fun evening a week. Essential for where im at now as i tend to take life too seriously, its as essential as Home groups im early days. 

Realised this weekend. I can put into words how i feel, get the truth out. Step10, journal, songwriting blog etc. So my soul/spirit and mentally gets released when i cut through the crap to get truth (at that moment) Yet On a physical level, i am not convinced i physically feel fully how i am feeling. 

Was speaking to friemd  who works with sound, not singing necessarily, sounds from within from primal scream to whatever comes...  Wish she was nearer, i would give it ago, try and shift the block which is clearly there, i ive been noticing it more recently.

Looking at sound / singing release therapy stuff 

Tuesday, February 01, 2011

Suicide?... Supreme sacrifice? .... Self harm? ... No !!... turn towards a Loving HP and fellowship

Someone asked last week or so ... Does anyone else get so anxious to the point of nearly a panic attack, or have feelings of dying. Or felt it and is much better now? 

The answers to those 3 questions are yes yes and yes

I suffer from a grave emotional and mental disorder. Its tough to walk away and stay away from a dependancy. People, substance, things, places... Damaging. Cant live with it, cant live without it. Yet knowing this is not enough to bring on longer lived peace that i craved for.

Staying off drink and still going to bars was not a happy occasion. I resented others and inside i felt rubbish. Staying off cigarettes and still nipping down for fresh air breaks was just insane in mid winter.

One occasion, Going home from a meeting, a route i had done effortlessly loads, off my head, suddenly not being able to focus, problems piled up everything became a big deal,  was an ordeal getting wrong trains, then couldnt get back and trying to find a bus in the middle of nowhere, yeh panic attacks suck, and happened sober. 

Feelings of dying ... Yes because i am, everyday bits of me die, physical cells, mentally when i reach a point where i have to take a big leap of faith (everything seemed like a big leap of faith early on) 
I have to let go of self, old thinking, old ideas, old behaviour... Stuff that steps brings to light. I do have feelings like i am dying yes. Good news is for me its just a feeling, i recognise it for what it is and dont buy into the fear always it brings with it. It also means i am about to grow, so its like shedding a layer, ripping off a sticking plaster. Healing process.

Is it much better now? Yes. I am not afraid or ashamed of suicidal thoughts or feelings of dying. Why not? Because i cannot control the thoughts which come. So i just accept its part of being this human. 

Essential for my recovery and growth is that i cannot change the thought that come, i can DO something once they come. 

What can i do? I can know that i definitely DO not kill myself or self harm. How do i know? Would i ever agree with anyone who said they were suicidal that it is the right thing to do? NO. Nothing justifies it when i have a choice. Whilst i have a choice, i choose life. Usually feelings of dying, suicide come when i havent dealt with something, i am avoiding doing the right thing, whether it be step work, making a call, sending an email, ironing. Too much loafing  not enough resting. Yes having analysed/step10'd it prayed it.. to death!! Excuse the inappropriate pun :-) It simple stuff like house chores aswell that seem to pre cursor thought not always major life changing stuff. It also comes when i need to ask for help and dont know who to ask or know and wont. Pride, fear, self reliant, self self stuff, lack of humility, unteacheable Etc. Stuff i would have drank on and put off to tomorrow that day that never comes. 

There is usually something i am not doing or need to do and my sensitive conscience cant take it anymore or too many things i need to do pile up and life becomes completely unmanageable unless i get honest and do the something. 

Picking up phone, going to meetings, staying away from old haunts, getting in the middle of the bed in whatever fellowship, sponsor, getting on with steps. Knowing i am not unique, just a dramatic emotional sensitive ferret who is genuinely going to anylengths does help me let myself off the hook at times.

Its not forever. 12 steps and fellowship and loving Higher Power...(tradition 2/step 2) It saved and gave me a life. Nothing like i imagined and it still getting better. Still get the thoughts, they try and hold me back, yet now knackering and boring as it is at times, i use it as a kick up the butt to do whatever what i am avoiding, and yes recovery still gets better ... :-)

Dont listen to your head, check its chatter out with sponsor or another in recovery. Disease is strong until recovery programme is embraced and actioned.

Yeh man recovery rocks !!

whats going on...

I just been through an... i have taken on too much and and now letting go of man...y things, stripping back to basics, prioritising, learning to say no and i cant do this anymore period.

Just also committed to 1 fun evening a week. Essential for where im at now as i tend to take life too seriously, its as essential as Home groups im early days.

Realised this weekend. I can put into words how i feel, get the truth out. Step10, journal, songs, blogs etc. So my soul/spirit and mentally gets released when i cut through the crap to get truth (at that moment) Yet On a physical level, i am not convinced i physically feel fully how i am feeling.

Was speaking to friemd who works with sound, not singing necessarily, sounds from within from scream to whatever comes... Wish she was nearer, i would give it ago, try and shift the block which is clearly there, i ive been noticing it more recently.