Sunshine

Today the sun is shining
And I am working inside
I can see the sea
and the sun is warm on my body

Help me relax into
working at home
and not clamour for the outside
Sunshine

Help me not resent
that I am working
while its sunny
and enjoy what is

Help me enjoy
the blessings
notice and seek out
the blessings
in everything again

Help me see more blessings
in everything
I seem to have become
lost the ability to hold onto gratitude
and for it to penetrate deeper
than a few seconds

Dont snooze and lose

Well known stats
show that many people
drink after Christmas
after new year

There is no need to drink
Go to meetings
help others
stay honest

dont drink
go to meetings

pick up the phone
before you pick up a drink

Pray for a sober day
thank HP for a sober day

write a gratitude list

read the big book

pick something from the
Just for today card
and do it
each day

start your day again

go to a meeting

Written step 10's still work - make space for grace

Even though i KNOW
The power of written step 10's
Still suprises me

Everytime i begin just writing
Painfully hard to actually
Do it properly at times
Because i just dont want to
Yet i do want to
Because i KNOW
Amazing change happens
When i do

step 10's are my time
With god
Time which i need to make
This is my prayer and meditation
Time with god
Getting honest
Praying it out
And answers are coming

In this season of nightmares
as comes when i am out of control
I mean all around me is not going my way
Or not clear, or not decided
Or unfinished, or in progress
Further false promises at work
More and more is put upon us
The more i want to
Go back to living in a tent
In epping forest for the summer
or go and flake out for the summer
Do something else

S'funny how i want to go back
To when i had no possessions
Nothing much
Now i have so much
Its like a burden
Yet to get rid is difficult

Like i said before
Owning a property can be good
Can be bad
Renting a property can be good
Can be bad

Anyway im gonna see what
Blockbuster horror film my head
Picks out for tonights nightmare

Step10's are stabilisers
They empty our heads
And make space for grace


Work to live?
Live to work?
No .... Job or no job....
Relationship with HP is key

God show me what it is
You want me to do next

Friday to Monday - exyraordinary

Exellent day friday
Home group
Went me up with kathy blogger :)
Awesome when these things
Come together :)

Saturday, gp for blood results
Mild anaemia
Slightly high cholestrol
Diet sheet
Shopped
Started straight away :)
I dont eat to badly
Yet remove a few things
Which are no good
If i have high cholestrol

Its amazing how many
Older friends overweight i may add
Said oh that reading is nothing ti worry about
Yet i see that i dont need to worry now
What i do need to do is address it now
So it doesnt escalate later in life
I am responsible

I followed up a urine sample
From a few weeks ago
Following a abnormal reading
It was missing...
Missing? Not on the record...
I asked for another sample
Bottle
Andnwent to coffee
Morning at church
Had a laugh
Prepared a mini sermon for sunday
Went to church sunday
Did the sermon
Also did 5 minutes on my calling
Stayed after with gardening club
Made tea, listened to a friend
Wrestling with her calling
Slept the afternoon
Went to bible study-spiritual gifts
Went home ate
Low cholestrol food
Texted some
Encouragement to a friend
Went to be feeling
Grateful for opportunity
Grateful or friends
For church
For getting to know god and jesus
For all my progress
Feelig ok really

dropped in my sample this morning
I get a call at lunch
Abnormal
Do i eat properly?
Yes, 3 meals a day
Not perfect
Certainly healthier than many
Could do better
Just had blood tests
Shiwing chol / anaem etc
Ok... We need you to make an apt
See gp because we need to refer
You to hospital...

Thats when i went into shock
Cry, shake, go cold, confused
The nurse was lovely
She waited til i could talk
And listened
She
Listened while i told her my first thought
Would always be that i have bladder cancer
Just like my mum had...
Its natural to think the worst immediately
Yet also i can see it could be an infection
I see that its not a given that i
Follow her in her diseases
It doesnt work like that

She listened while i asked for
A quick apt so i could get referrrd asap
Because i worry
She passed me to someone else
Who made me apt
With the gentle but firm gp
 that is at the surgery
For this evening
Remarkable

Walked out of the office
In search of a church
The nearest was shut
I called my sponsor
Who is really busy at the
Moment
She picked up
Remarkable

And she listened while
I repaeated all of the above
I knew i was in shock
I know gods plan is not
Always a bed of roses
Challenges aswell as joys
My faith is not shaken
I recognise what i feel is
Shock, disbelief, fear, faith
All at the same time
She suggested i call my pastor
And ask him to pray with me later
Before i go tp gp

I called him, no voicemail
I send him a text
He is not busy late afternoon
He has time for me
Remarkeable

I found a church
And went and prayed
God i offer myself to thee
To do with me as thou wilt
Relieve me of the bondage of self
That i may better do thy will
Take away my difficulties
That victory over them may bear witness
To those i would help
Of thy power, thy love and thy way of life, may i do thy will always.

After letting it go 3 times
Praying
Crying
Admitting my worst fears
Accepting the truth
Which is we dont know
And there is always a solution
Always a process
I am not to think
Just follow the process
No guarantees of cure
Only a process
Have faith
Trust the Experts, gods agents
And do not think or make up
Rules or outcomes, no fantasising
No crystal ball gazing

Coming Down from the Holiday...

The most satisfactory years of your existence lie ahead. P152

Even though my holiday
has not actually been celebrations in the conventional sense
it has been out of the usual routine
Many "firsts"
I have spent time with many friends
that I have never spent Christmas/New Year with
enjoyable
relaxing
doing
feeling
chilling
listening
exciting
acknowledging how I am doing or not
acknowledging how I am being or not

Yep am feeling the usual
back to work
is that it?
now what?
must arrange a heap of social stuff
must do
must do
must do
yet this is a trap!
Intuitively I know this ...

busyness does not lead to contentment
it is doing in a useful sense
without resentment
that changes the way I feel
as opposed to doing pleasing stuff as a fix really
or under obligation
or as an impulse reaction due to tiredness

Am I Hungry?
Am I Angry?
Am I lonely?
Am I Tired?

To go against the feeling
I am lacking
not doing enough
spiritual pride that I am not doing, yet others are, therefore I am lacking
and just
"Be still and know You are God" Psalm 46:10
take time to pray and listen
ask some questions
what Is Your Will for me this year/week/today?
what is You Will for me in the workplace?
at home
in my family
at church
friends

"God, I offer myself to Thee-to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!" p63

Where do I fallshort at present?
What do I need Gods help with
What can I do for myself and am not?
What do I need God to grant me willingness to do?
What do I need to surrender absolutely?
What defects were at play in 2009
what do I need to ask God to work on
What do I need to let him work on
How do You want me to spend my time?
Do I need to stop anything?
How are my relationships?
What am I fearful of?
What is my experience of the outcome of that fear?
Is it False Evidence Appearing Real?
Has my fears come true?
Or has God provided what I needed?
What do I need to discuss wiuth another person?
Which is the most appropriate person?
Dont know? Then ask God please put them in my path...

Pray Earnestly
remain Open
and Listen
Hear

Prayer Party - end of the old - welcome in the new

Prayer Party (last years write up)

time to pray for
ourselves
our friends/family
uk
world

worship loud! in true HTB style!

Awesome :)

Prayer - Pray as you can - NOT as you can't

I have noticed much of my prayers
are around changing me
so that I am better around others/situations
less judgemental
forgiving
patient
willing
silent
tolerent

I have noticed that many Christians
Practiced and new
pray for others

I beat myself up because
I became aware of how selfish
my prayers are even though ultimately
I pray to be changed for the Greater Good

I discussed this with my Sponsor
she suggested I begin the next few days
in praying for people
start simple and specifically
at least I have become aware
Accept the things I cannot change
I cant change whats happened
change the things I can
start now
Wisdom to know the difference
let go now and start praying
as I can not as I cant!
I wont be an expert overnight :)

So this week I have begun praying for
a work colleague to he healed after her operation
for a boy in the newspaper with E-coli to be healed
and for the boys family to be looked after
I prayed for our pastor to be strengthened
I prayed for our church to grow

this feels lovely
its egoless because they dont know
at the same time it hard because there is no reward
no pat on the back
Its an essential discipline I am told
selfless

Day at a time
Pray as you can, not as you can't
change the things you can :)

At Risk of Redundancy again!!

3rd time in 9 months
there's a pattern!

Step 3
take inventory
kep mouth shut
and pray!

the outcome is not in my hands
and Gods plan
has not been revealed yet

I have no idea
and its all abit strange
infact its mind blowing!

Its true

Asked sponsor for help
she knows and I know
This programme works
she wouldnt tell me!
she knows I know!
I know
how do I know
because I have tried over and over
and the transformation in me
is enough evidence
yet
i doubt!
so when I dont get what I want
from a human I trust
I know its time to pray
and trust God who gives me everything I want
and a glimpse into consequences and all
just before I make choices
inventory regularly
is one of the greatest gifts I have ever been given
as is prayer
and the willingness to get honest
to self another and God
regardless

pray
take inventory
pray
help newcomers
anylengths
stop self obsession
turn attention to usefulness
ask God to help you if you cant
get out of your head
it took some drastic action
and felt like ripping elastoplast off my whole body
but I feel a sense of freedom from
the bondage of self

Take inventory
pray for the people on it THEY ARE SICK TOO (like me)
pray for the defects to be removed
ask for forgiveness
ask what corrective measures need to be made
pray for the power to carry it out
and go to any lengths

it will stop the scheming
it will stop the self obsession
it will move you into becoming
something unrecognisable at times
but very much better than you were!

you will be amazed before you are half way through
the week

I am

Grateful

I want that complete trust
that restraint
i have to be willing to trust aswell
or it dont work
i am

no steps no change no sober (old timer stuart)
no change no peace
no stillness no peace
no god no peace
know god know peace (someonelses words)

Get honest with God (as you understand God)

He always listens
always forgives
pray honestly
ask for anything you want in a childlike way
and God will give you what you need
in a Parental way

Talk to Him like no other
because He is like no other

Pray, talk, whisper,
mumble, yell
outloud, in silence
in a crowd, alone
on a beach, in the city

Do it often
like someone you want a relationship with
build it, grow it
learn to listen
and listen to learn
you will get to know
how God communicates with you
he really does

that voice
hear that voice again
you will recognise it
it will come often
and sometimes seemingly random

Heaven stands still
everytime you pray

God allows us to have what we want
if we really want it
and he also allows us the consequences
comfortable and uncomfortable
he has a plan, a good plan

I have everything I need already
I am tired
my motives have changed
my dream became reality
and I saw what the future holds
by following that dream
and I dont like what I see
greed and fear
in a "world" I dont understand
speaking a language I dont grasp
involving thinking I do too much of
longer hours enclosed
wearing clothes I feel uncomfortable in
I feel a door is closing
I feel like I am closing a door
willingly with love
letting go
And Acceptance is the answer... P417

Do I want to be right or happy?
Happy!

I'm off, more prayers on the beach
with the Great Ocean

Happy, joyful, funfilled healthy new year!
May you feel real love in the home
that you live in
channel ALL that life you have
running through your veins
into becoming usefully whole

Home is where the heart is

and I am powerless
usually I know except today
I am not sure of the difference between
surrendering
giving up
letting go
avoiding
procrastinating
unwillingness

perhaps they are all the same
depending on the motives
motives usually makes all the difference

praying
reading & meditation
improving conscious contact

The answers will come

Wants and needs today

Spending time
in meditation and prayer
I have found some truth
with it ... some acceptance

No thing is more important
that my relationship with God
No thing, want, is worth losing
my physical or mental health sanity

God always gives us what we want
if we want it enough
and sometimes we suffer the consequences
of those wishes

Sometimes a dream
when it becomes a reality
is not what it seemed
and the reality is not
really in keeping
with today
and how I would like be, feel, live

Also sometimes
its necessary to be willing to let go
of what you really want
in order to find out whether
its meant to remain
what I really wanted then
I needed to know if its what I want now
and do I?
Do I really want it?

That thing
If you love someone/thing
you have to let it go
and if its meant to come back
it will

I agree
money, possessions, job, title
will not sustain happiness
long term

More prayer required
Because I have no idea
about much
All I know is that
I do not want another year like this
I was happy last year
I think

The promises are true
we can have anything we want
if we work for it
and I know this to be true
I am also knowing that
sometimes God given natural skills
combined with nurture
can mean not everything is
the right thing for us to do long term
some avenues are more dangerous long term
than others depending on whose walking down them
and what time in your life you are walking them
Sometimes getting what I want
is not necessarily what I need now
perhaps its time to let go absolutely
God will tell me when its time for me to know
in the meantime
keeping on
anylengths
which at the moment
includes a great deal of letting go

the first few verses
is like my heart singing to my "self"
letting it know
that it accepts myself will always be there
and is part of me
however my heart must be the motivator
it must be the one that drives
because it is the channel to God
and where God sits in me
and no matter what myself says
my heart cant take this
and myself is coming to believe its true
and self also doesnt want heart to suffer like this
in its current form
its not working
my heart has to be true to itSELF
It is in too deep
what you have given me is in there
deep in there
To thine own self be true

If I dont Let Go of myself (all of me)
I will not grow



And I know now that if one door
is closing no matter how slowly
there will be another one opening
which I havent spotted yet

see ya

Do what you can . Not what you cant . or and acceptance is the answer...

I have accepted that changing
IS taking place whether I embrace it or not
and although I didnt know I was fighting it
my physical health tells me I have been

Its official I have let go some!
and I am changing, transforming
into what? God knows

Do what you can
not what you cant
I have been feeling less than
because I havent been able to do things
which I see my AA peers doing
and wondering whether I am making the progress
I think I am
and no matter how much
I try and do them things
its not possible
the doors keep shutting
I remain willing though

I am accepting sponsorship is
not on Gods plan for me at the moment
what I am seeing is that
he wants me integrating locally
not as an alcoholic
but as a good human being
(that you made me)
I found a local church
not of the denomination I would have
ordinarily chosen
but I went and joined in some
err fellowship believe it or not
and felt welcomed, part of

yeh its pretty lonely here
studying and working
meeting times are few and far between
BUT they would have been had I not moved
this is NOT a location issue
energy levels are depleting
God found me a church 7minutes walk away
in the heart of the neighbourhood
and they are active in stuff

also whats been suggested is
some voluntary work locally
to compliment my studies
i have no idea how I am to fit all this in
i am knackered already
but what I do know
is that if God wants me doing it
he WILL provide me what I need to do it

Its pretty challenging trying to figure out
what Gods will is for me
because it keeps changing
i know not to fight it
but what I dont know yet is often how to recognise
the change over signals
i'm still trying to climb the barbed wire fence
to what I know, what is familiar
when actually he wants me somewhere else
thats why the fence went up

Nightmares are coming
weird stuff
I mean weird
fraid of sleeping again
although that wont stop me
its all part of my mind reacting to the change
it knows is coming
all part of acceptance completely

This last week or so I am questioning
why I am studying
I am finding it very difficult
doing it, working out whats required
and fitting it all in
with work as well and all that
i dunno whats gonna happen
its affecting work
and work is affecting study
I am struggling to separate the two
so the desparate part of me says
well quit the course then!
the faithful and truthful part goes
well you only want to quit cos you
dont want to fail or get a crap mark!
and whet the heck will I do
IF I dont do this?
dispappear back into the rooms
and become a meeting junkie
and get bitter... like I used to be
if nothing changes they stop as they are
and for this ex drunk, who never took risks
life has become one continual risk
RECENTLY
its a flippin good job you are here GOD
and I am with you GOD
what the feck

I am freezing
cant get my heating to work properly
making do... with what I have
NOT what I havent!
Duvets, sweaters, layers
whats that no one ever died from cold!
err yes they did haha...
I am not that cold! exagerating
but its cold...
and when I was in the great war
we never had heating
only candles and fingerless gloves

ok, i'm off to do some more study
make another cuppa coffee
make an honest attempt
at another assignment
and see what happens

yours knackerdly grateful and sober
smiling with a snot icicle forming

God said
Johno remember you agreed to go to anylengths
My will not yours be done
well you are!
that praying you stepped out and did during the day?
do more of it
and that reading you did this morning?
do it again tomorrow
blind faith, obedience
discipline
persistance with less resistance
get on with it
and trust me
I love you

ok...ok
I love You too

The critical point - is merely a jumping of point - a turning point

its the point where I turn away
or its the point where I turn towards
its the point where I ask for help
its the point to choose
its the point to accept spiritual help
its the point of surrender
its the point of no return
its the point of keeping on
its the point where faith is required
its the point where I hear its the pits
AND its the point where I hear the voices
in my head of AA's in meetings
over the last 5 years saying
dont quit before the miracle
its the point where I hear its falling to pieces
and I hear keep it in the day
its the point where I lose all hope of happiness
and its the point where I know because
I heard you say in meeting this too shall pass
Its the point where I THINK I cant do this any more
and its the point where I hear you saying
keep on keeping on
its the point where my old ideas have availed me nothing
and its the point where I hear you say
read step 3 take inventory and pray
its the point where I THINK i dont have a choice
and its the point where I have a choices
its the point where I think no one cant help or understand
its the point where I turn my difficulty over to God
its the point where I am on my knees
and its the point where I am lifted up
its the point where a am powerless
and its the point where I seek the all Powerful
Its the point where I realise the truth
its the point when I realise that I am nothing
without God
When I realise and feel that
Thats the point when I feel Love
Its that point where a spiritual experience occurs
thats the point when I feel the sunlight and grow
Its that point where You show me a garden thats bursting into life

2 minutes 11 & 12 seconds is the moment
blink and you miss it!


I am grateful
I am sober
I have not self harmed
I have been able to cry lots recently
That I have been able to say how I feel
that I accepted somethings not working
and have put myself entirely in Gods hands
that I feel a sense of freedom
inspite of the ever underlying fear
that I feel more peaceful
that I have continued
that I have emptied quite a few boxes today
that I have painted some walls
that I have hung washing out on my line
that I have feel good watching it blow in the wind
that I enjoy nature and what she brings me free
that I am alive to experience it all
that I notice which are the voices of doom and turn away
that I have an absolute faith
that I eventually remember to surrender aswell as pray
that I have a design for living that works
even in rough going p15 & P28
I am grateful you passed it on
I am grateful I was there to hear it

First Things First

Everything I put in front
of my recovery
I will Lose
Fact

Everything I put ahead
of God
I will lose
Fact

Some of us have taken very hard knocks to learn this truth: Job or no job-wife or no wife-we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God. p98

I am at a critical point yet again
I have made choices
some I am not sure are will lead me
to heaven
although who am I to predict what heaven is
on this earth plane

I have taken some risks this week
opened myself up
and cried quite alot more
than I ever imagined I would
or could

I am not sure when all this will stop
and I am not sure
whether I am doing any of this right
my true self appears
without me realising
and I have no idea
whether its helping or not helping
I have no idea
what the heck is happening at the moment
I seem to be doing
just doing
when I think
it gets me in trouble

My step 10's showed me tonight
That at the moment
I am thinking and beleiving
I am nothing without my job
I will not be able to survive
So death will occur
metaphorically speaking!
or is it!!

I went and stood by the sea tonight
it was very dark
the air was clear
night birds were around and about
it was still
there were lighthouses dotted
along the estuary
I asked my Creater to show me
what I need to do next
because I am really stuck
and afraid and need to know!
I felt a sense of
I didnt feel alone
nor lonely
nor cold
nor afraid
came over me

First things First
Put your recovery First
Step 10 and 11 are no good without 12
Long term

How long to sing this song?
I wanna run I wanna hide

U2 40 and bounce bounce bounce!


Stand tall
turn up til they tell you not to
and keep it in the frikkin day!
self will run riot
gets me absolutely No Where!

Solution?
Step 3
and work with another alcoholic!
God is with us... if we are with Them
Them the great them
Service

Grateful
that I have this opportunity
to pray by the Great Ocean
Thank you

The inventory was ours, not the other man´s - P67

Came across this
Witchcraft, witches and wicca
reclaiming
and much to my surprise
It all makes sense
and its not as weird as Imagined

And this Starhawk

and this Diggin it

took my own inventory over the weekend
and wrote out and prayed out
my resentments

Putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done, we resolutely looked for our own mistakes. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened? Though a situation had not been entirely our fault, we tried to disregard the other person involved entirely. Where were we to blame? The inventory was ours, not the other man´s. p67

I came up with my response
a reasonable opinion
my side of the street
towards the unreasonablemess
I had listened to on Friday
without resentment
but with meaning
and I cried!
Somewhat a relief
It has forced me to make a decision
at work
I have realised that I have been
working in a kind of a bad marriage
and its not what I go to work for
or get paid to do
or need to continue in
and its time to stop and let go
with full knowledge
that the world will NOT stop turning
and I will continue to breathe
as will the rest of the floor

I have no idea what will happen
but what I do know is that
making this decision is the right one today
my heart has been unhappy in this area
with this person for a while now
its stopped working
time to let go and let god

ok i'm off to bed
rather early but I am knackered
working for the greater good is exhausting
but worth it

I'm no Superman - Scrubs

When I am angry with or THINKING what appears to be non stop about someone

this is what I read and say out loud, and repeat the prayer outloud/in private/under my breath/in silence... it doesnt matter.. I do it until I feel better!
its amazing what you can learn off by heart
off by heart... :)

See page 66/67 Big Book

To conclude that other people are wrong was as far as most of us ever got. The usual outcome was that people continued to wrong us and we stayed sore. Sometimes it was remorse and then we were sore at ourselves. But the more we fought and tried to have our own way, the worse matters got. As in war, the victor only seemed to win. Our moments of triumph were short-lived.

It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feeling we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die.

Heres the important bit! Amended because I am saying it
If I am to live, I have to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm are not things for me!. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics these things are poison.

I turned back to the resentment, for it held the key to the future. I MUST be prepared to look for it from an entirely different angle. I must be willing to see that the world and its people really dominated us. In that state, the wrong-doing of others, fancied or real, had power to actually kill ME. How could we escape? We saw that these resentments must be mastered, but how? We could not wish them away any more than alcohol.

Here's how i pray it.. This was our course: "God I realise that Fred is perhaps spiritually sick. Though I dont like Freds symptoms and the way these disturbed me, Fred, like me, is sick too"
"God to help me to show Fred the same tolerance, pity, and patience that I would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When Fred offends me, help me say to myself, "This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done."

"Help me to avoid retaliation or argument. I wouldn´t treat sick people that way. If I do, I will destroy my chance of being helpful. I cannot be helpful to all people, but at least God show me how to take a kindly and tolerant view of each and every one"

repeat through the day, everyday until the resentment has gone!
as with anything, when I am IN IT
i think I will be praying forever
and yes in somecases
I have to revisit the prayer
more often that I would like

I use it on ANYONE
who is sitting rent free in my head
for longer than I would like
how long is that?
when my life starts to become unmanageable
when I am thinking about them instead of doing whats in front of me
when my problems begin to pile up on them and
appear to become astonishingly difficult to solve xxvi THE DOCTOR'S OPINION
thats when.. doesnt have to be anger
can be jealous, envious, fearful, lustful, angry
towards the person

Yeh you try studying when you have someone
in your head that you dont want there!
and then I try and blame them for
wasting my study time!?
insane huh...
yep if I dont do anything about it
or think I am the only one!
thats insane :)

You be amazed how quickly I can say the prayer
it takes seconds! but it works
I do it earnestly, desparately
and I really want it to work

It works-it really does P88

Leaning on the fellowship!! not an individual - GOD group of "ex" drunks

Kathy said "okay, here's a thought..maybe the financial issues you are facing are the financial solution.. "

You know
this could be
could be not!

but you know it makes me feel alot better
when someone
Makes me look at my stuff
from an entirely different angle P66
with just a few words!
thank you Kathy!! x
I learn from everyone... and everything

Brings to mind
rejection is Gods protection
and my experience I say it as
Rejection is ALWAYS Gods protection

Also some story IFOBW gave me
about a horse and a boy that went to war
or had an accident or something
and a farm or something like that
when everything seemed to happen
and people though it was for the worst
and then someone always said
after each "disaster" thing
could be could be not!
I am sure she will elaborate
when she has time?

Its true
who the heck am I to say
the futures bleak
and this is a stumbling block?

Who am I to say that Gods plan
Sober me up and get me TO THE BEACH
and then club me to death!

Who am I to put money above my faith?

Frikkin' ell
Thanks for the reality check my fiends!

Someone said to me today
that everythings doable
and its ok to freak out abit and go ouch!
its hurting but I am doing it...
its true.. I had just forgotten it applies to me
and by saying it doesnt mean I am giving up
well I am I am giving up, letting go of PRIDE
it means I am surrendering to win!

Also I have been walking round with
my eyes down, in my own world
and forgotten there are people around
me that love and care and love my sense of humour
I was asked today why I wasnt myself...
I asked them what myself is.. not in a confrontational way
she said fun and lovely to be around at work..
now thats kinda nice huh
And she said yeh here we are, you just need to look up
and you'll see us...

Amazing... she's only known me a little while
and I hardly spoken to her much
and we work on different ends of office
hows she get that insight into me already?

God knows! but I like it!
Worker amongst worker

A look at the alcoholic in your organization is many times illuminating. Is he not usually brilliant, fast-thinking, imaginative and likable? When sober, does he not work hard and have a knack of getting things done? P139 P140

You know I did the prayers
I did the inventory
I am keeping my mouth shut
I am praying for people through the day as they come up!
and today was a good day
circumstances ALL the same
I am different...

God grant me the courage
to notice and accept the things I cannot change
to continue to change the things I can (me)
and continue to provide me with wisdom to know the difference
when you feel like it...
thanks x

ps just watched yesterdays post
youtube and it reminded me
I need a haircut!

A look at the alcoholic in your organization is many times illuminating. Is he not usually brilliant, fast-thinking, imaginative and likable? p139

A look at the alcoholic in your organization is many times illuminating. Is he not usually brilliant, fast-thinking, imaginative and likable? When sober, does he not work hard and have a knack of getting things done? P139 P140

I am sure the reading one night
P417-P418 Big Book 4th edition
And acceptance is the answer...
absolutely was a turning point.. my admission
of powerlessness and unmanageabilityP59
at the beginning was the start of my recovery
is still a key tool in my daily living today

I have accepted
a) I am "at risk" of redundancy
b) That I am actually useful and effective in the workplace P139/140
c) Many people agree & like me P139/140 I am a text book case!
d) I have a better than average chance of staying
e) I am to continue to do what I do until I know
f) Our business has taken its own inventory P64 its not personal
g) Its about me being pro active not reactive
h) There is no place for loafers in a credit crunch
i) I have to be selfish
h) I must also be selfless
j) They used the words
"for some this will be a turning point"P59
in the bad news speak "especially for me" haha
h) praying works
i) restraint of tongue and pen is essential (12x12)
f) honesty is essential P13
g) willingness P13 & flexibility is essential
h) openmindedness is essential (Faith) P13
i) I am now properly armed with the facts about myselfP18 (in the workplace)
and my evidence if valuable assets/skills
which I HAVE learned/gained/worked for
over the last 25 years, though previously brought
any "success" crashing down P123 on top of me whilst drinking
unable to manage maintaining and growing any position
j) I could keep quiet and not blog til its over just incase
I get ousted and then I wouldnt have to tell you I could just
say I was let go, BUT I cant! its slothful
so i will try to show you
how it works in my life whichever way it goes..., and at the same
time evidence to myself (and you)
that it is a design for living
even in rough going P15
h) I went into shock Monday, mixed with all of the above
i) my body is reacting though my mind and spirit are strong
j) 6-10pm Monday night phone service
followed by no sleep, so I went to the
6am big book meeting (It was up to page 8 Bills Story
you know where it talks of disater in the finacial areas
and people jumping from skyscrapers...
there are no coincidences!!
followed immediately
by the 7.30am city meeting Tuesday morning
and was at work by 8.40am...
yes I slept really well Tuesday night!
k) I have to be gentle with myself H.A.L.T.
though keep on at the same time
awareness of physical needs are essential
l) I have been praying for his Words not mine
and His Will and the Power to carry it out
m) Its my responsibility to pick up the tools and use them
n) Working with others (suffering/floundering with the news)
is essential (it helps me!)
o) God provides me with all the answers I need in his time
p) I have quit the debating society infact I didnt join (12x12)
q) Praying for people works P67
r) AA meetings are a huge rock and a cuddly oak tree P152
s) 2.5 hours yoga was exactly what I needed tonight
t) I am negotiating a sale and a purchase and will be
moving to the seaside in the next 6 weeks P164
u) My job will change in the next 4 weeks P164
w) I am starting Uni 3 evening a week in 4 weeks P164
x) I am pre-mentual for a bit longer
y) I have not wanted to drink or die
z) God doesnt give me more than I can handle EVER
Our Big Book rocks doesnt it!!

I forgot there was a word verification thing on my comments
its now off!

and I am still amazed that a brief conversation with my
sponsor about by frustration at work
resulted in me praying lots sunday evening
I didnt know about Monday then... not being a psychic yet!
things could have been very different
I had not made that call to her
or those prayers!
and NOT restrained my tongue!
until God had given me the go ahead when he was ready

Why dont i talk to her more often? I still ask myself
because the tools work on everything
She does not know everything and she doesnt have power
pride and arrogance at times cause me to delay
Self will

Oh well... its a complete turnaround
from how it used to be
no longer over reliant and needy :)

And the government increased the stamp duty threshold today! hoorah
right i'm off to bed

Flowers and Stuff

I have been retrainting my tongue
at work... in that not
not expressing my feelings
just baring a few facts
I have recently talked feelings
and its ok sometimes
but really I dont like it..
its what many people do in the workplace
talk about life and defect driven stuff
well the stuff I blog and step 10 really
sometimes I take part for a few moments
during work time and then after
it dont sit right
a) cos the person I have told really just wants a chat with anyone
b) I dont want to talk this stuff through during work
c) its my business and open offices are not private
d) if I didnt work with them, I wouldnt be chatting with them

Anyway today, I am quiet
just getting on with it
quieter than normal someone said..
no I didnt go into it...

yeh I have some decisions to make
life changing
it will get confusing and challenging
I need to be quiet
let the mind and body and spirit
process it...
its not all about moving action
sometimes the action is to listen and quiet
draw some faith and patience

anyway, praying on stuff like
and seeing again
its not the people I am resentful at
its the situation
and its my attitude in a situation
driven by fear or selfishness or self will
or and all...
I can kid myself its the people I resent
but its actually the situation
the people vould be anyone
its the situation
and why?
Because I dont know how it will be (self will)
and through lack of faith
and feel I will not be looked after (fear)(self will)
and I will not be able to cope (self will)
same old stuff
financial insecurity
personal relations
self esteem
ambition

But you know when your getting out
living the spiritual life
this stuffs always gonna come up
same old same old
whats the alternative
convent... nah man
theres only so much praying and isolation
and listening to my own breeathing
being on the outside
is infinitely more interesting
and definitely Gods will for me
right now

doing some study reading this week
risk management
mental loafing leads to scheming!

and yes I always have a choice
turn towards or turn away

yet as I now realise
I choose to pick up the cross
or not
and if I am doing what seems to be Gods will
then I just turn up, do it and take care

just like jesus did
he was afraid and resentful
when he knew his time was nearly up
yet even with the promise of eternal life
he still cried
and yeh he too had a choice
he could have run away at any time
but he didnt
he waited around and continued to continue
keep turning up

no I dont think I am Jesus
but I do think
that when I choose to turn towards (step 3)
and continue to continue (step 6)
any lengths
then it is picking up the cross and walking
trudging into the unknown ... with faith
painful fearful faithful and grateful

I guess baby flowers if they think
like me that is...
must wonder what rain (Fear) is when they first get it
and it must hurtand be abit scary
and they think they'll be snapped
or drowned by floods, (pain) especially when your an inch high
eventually I suppose cos the other flowers
and inch high shoots just sit there (faith)
they do too and wait
and then become(grateful)
because without the rain, they would die
and not worry no matter how much rain comes!
or perhaps flowers are perfectly faithful..

God show me

Simon & Garfunkel - Flowers never bend with the rainfall