In community, in fellowship

It's interesting watching
Stuff unfold at church
We have 20 year olds
On employment schemes
For 6 months
Non christiam
Infact one is jewish
The other no mention
they are so enthusiastic
And lovin it
We have given them opportuniyy
To develop our coffee shop
Vision
And make it happen
And it is before my very eyes
god is amazin
I hope if they develop it
Hiw they like it
In keeping with our tradition
They will attract their mates!!
It will be a place to hang :-)
Which is not the pub
Or sat at home on facebook :-)
Our church is amazin!!!
Loads going on
We are a loved up chch :-)

1st sermon draft in :-)
Waiting on feedback !!
I moved down here
No meetings accessible
Really understood grace
Was led to this church
Feel called to keep on
Feel like i found my people :-)

l you may say: "But I will not have the
benefit of contact with you who
wrote this book." We cannot be sure.
God will determine that,
so you must remember that your real
reliance is always upon Him.
He will show you how to create the
fellowship you crave p164

Happy Birthday - Elvis Presley - Gods chief choirboy

a little less conversation
a little more action

tools of the recovery

studying at last!!!!!!!
after spending
many days
flying round
facebook
and other distractions
managing to burn myself
on hot water
NOT PAYING ATTENTION!

Get honest with God (as you understand God)

He always listens
always forgives
pray honestly
ask for anything you want in a childlike way
and God will give you what you need
in a Parental way

Talk to Him like no other
because He is like no other

Pray, talk, whisper,
mumble, yell
outloud, in silence
in a crowd, alone
on a beach, in the city

Do it often
like someone you want a relationship with
build it, grow it
learn to listen
and listen to learn
you will get to know
how God communicates with you
he really does

that voice
hear that voice again
you will recognise it
it will come often
and sometimes seemingly random

Heaven stands still
everytime you pray

God allows us to have what we want
if we really want it
and he also allows us the consequences
comfortable and uncomfortable
he has a plan, a good plan

I have everything I need already
I am tired
my motives have changed
my dream became reality
and I saw what the future holds
by following that dream
and I dont like what I see
greed and fear
in a "world" I dont understand
speaking a language I dont grasp
involving thinking I do too much of
longer hours enclosed
wearing clothes I feel uncomfortable in
I feel a door is closing
I feel like I am closing a door
willingly with love
letting go
And Acceptance is the answer... P417

Do I want to be right or happy?
Happy!

I'm off, more prayers on the beach
with the Great Ocean

Happy, joyful, funfilled healthy new year!
May you feel real love in the home
that you live in
channel ALL that life you have
running through your veins
into becoming usefully whole

yet wishing it were different

I want to study
yet I feel completely empty
of all willingness in this area
it feels like
self will sabotage
yet at the same time
complete exhaustion
i am enjoying
comeing home from work
and cooking
bike riding
watching tv
phoning friends
going to meetings
going to church
making friends non AA locally
reading
step 11
anything but NOT studying
I pick the book up and resent it ALL

Bill once said something like
dont worry if you cant pray
keep the willingness and at somepoint
it will begin again

I havent the willingness to study
I am resentful or work and study
and the fact the each impacts on the other
and I am in the middle
yet natural default is to just work
there is a fine line between
anylengths and self will run riot!

yet how long will not studying be enough?
will the wonder of the degree return
what I originally wanted to do
has changed
I have seen it it for what it is
and I dont want it
but there are other avenues
at the moment
I feel very closed minded
yet at the same time frustrated because
I am like this
I want to be open minded
I think I am sulking
self will run riot yet I dont really think so!

perhaps I need to fail this semester
to FEEL what I really want to do!?
imagine what it would like to be without...
ok no more analysis paralysis

ok, off to eat, write some more cards
and take a much needed inventory
ask for some desires to be removed

Wants and needs today

Spending time
in meditation and prayer
I have found some truth
with it ... some acceptance

No thing is more important
that my relationship with God
No thing, want, is worth losing
my physical or mental health sanity

God always gives us what we want
if we want it enough
and sometimes we suffer the consequences
of those wishes

Sometimes a dream
when it becomes a reality
is not what it seemed
and the reality is not
really in keeping
with today
and how I would like be, feel, live

Also sometimes
its necessary to be willing to let go
of what you really want
in order to find out whether
its meant to remain
what I really wanted then
I needed to know if its what I want now
and do I?
Do I really want it?

That thing
If you love someone/thing
you have to let it go
and if its meant to come back
it will

I agree
money, possessions, job, title
will not sustain happiness
long term

More prayer required
Because I have no idea
about much
All I know is that
I do not want another year like this
I was happy last year
I think

The promises are true
we can have anything we want
if we work for it
and I know this to be true
I am also knowing that
sometimes God given natural skills
combined with nurture
can mean not everything is
the right thing for us to do long term
some avenues are more dangerous long term
than others depending on whose walking down them
and what time in your life you are walking them
Sometimes getting what I want
is not necessarily what I need now
perhaps its time to let go absolutely
God will tell me when its time for me to know
in the meantime
keeping on
anylengths
which at the moment
includes a great deal of letting go

the first few verses
is like my heart singing to my "self"
letting it know
that it accepts myself will always be there
and is part of me
however my heart must be the motivator
it must be the one that drives
because it is the channel to God
and where God sits in me
and no matter what myself says
my heart cant take this
and myself is coming to believe its true
and self also doesnt want heart to suffer like this
in its current form
its not working
my heart has to be true to itSELF
It is in too deep
what you have given me is in there
deep in there
To thine own self be true

If I dont Let Go of myself (all of me)
I will not grow



And I know now that if one door
is closing no matter how slowly
there will be another one opening
which I havent spotted yet

see ya

Heating somehow fixed itself!?

had to turn it off
was too hot
what the feck!?
Still it made me move
my study stuff ... to the hmm .. study
wi fi didnt work last night
works tonight...
reckon it was in The Plan all along huh
I just hadnt twigged it!
well dad suggested it when I moved in
I didnt and did it my way
which is always best NOT!

ok i'm off another assignment to tackle
two days til i get a 4 day break!?
two days to hand this in

you lot all are so caring :)
thanks all noted
am considering a heater for my kitchen
its the only room avec no heat
we'll see

feeling better today
less hopeless
more hopefull
and made some progress
in some areas mentally
and physically less sick!

reading page 86 twice a day
and page 86 to end of chapter
once a day
and praying through the day
continue
improve
pass it on..

as for distractions
I havent the time or the inclination thesedays
to look at more distractions
handing the existing and old ones over
are enough
I try at all time to remember my primary purpose
In all areas/my affairs
focus focus focus
its often more helpful
to keep it simple
blogging and facebook
are enough distractions when I let them
whilst they serve a very important
role for me to keep in touch
with valuable fellowship
and overseas family
and somewhere to out the STUFF
I need them both at the moment
I need also to live more in the real world
real projects
real people
its in the Plan
my head tells me otherwise
God tells me so
no time for second life
This life is what I am to focus on
heating, light, health and food being primary!
Just for today I will be happy...
Just for today, I will find my just for today card
and read it!
thanks for the reminder

For the record... I am warm and snug
upstairs in the err 4th dimensional study
heat rises
:)

Ego and Money - arrogance and greed

are these your drivers?
I have to say that
I have listened to these loud mouthed
defects, flaws, nuisances
at times
thankfully thesedays
I recognise them
not long after they infiltrate
Usually a feeling of uncomfortableness
follows after penetration!
Following them usually IS
The Road To nowhere
Its says
Well we know where we are going
but we dont know where we've been
feels abit
self willed to know where were going
and abit dishonest to not know where i've been..
I reckon God in all honesty
I dont know where i'm going
but I know where i've been!

and as soon after as possible
dig out the sting
and natural being and growth resumes
anyway I verging on digressing

God given skills
God provides
seek out the god given skills
and grow them!
and they will flourish
into a richness that no money can provide
and a fullness that no ego can bolster

Asked my lecturer to cast his eye over
my essay, like he offered to for us all
and he said on the whole covered what I needed
So I shall await the mark...
Preferring not to get into study huddles
and last minute fear driven desperate attempts
to get it RIGHT whatever right is...
apparantly there are no wrongs
its dependent upon your skillfullness
no we shall see
the hardest part WAS putting that first word
down on that blank piece of paper
taking a risk and allowing an opinion to form

We a few opinions are forming
all over the place
I think my skin is starting to thicken
as it must
the good is the enemy of the best
and as I see so often at work
and outside
ego and money are not good drivers
both linked with self will run riot
both are not about living in the present
both are not about needs
they are about wants
goodness is an inside job
and begins with honesty

More tough times at work
however and excellent review
better than the last
however I also received some
constructive feedback which I have
never received before and alwasy wanted
now I have it, I am not sure how to deal with it..
bizarre
I keep switching from
well it was a crap review then
to well it cant be because overall
the mark was better than the previous
and that was highly effective...
just the feedback is something to work on

Oh well I dunno!
off to pray
and sleep
hope the wind dies down
for the morning bike ride

Resentment is the No 1 offender - we have a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenence!

Tuesday was a better day
still very unpleasant and unsettling things happening
however TUESDAY
resentment still there
though I was not so trapped to imploding point
that I was Monday
I felt freer from fear and anger
and felt love, compasion and patience
towards the person
I felt it
though the resentment
the situation was the same
if anything some may say ... worse!

Today, I just got on with my whats in front of me
and had moving stuff to contend with!

You know what I did
got home and
again

Read step 3
actually I listened to it 3 times on ipod
why 3 times?
because it took that long for me to hear
what was being said
the first two times
I was listening
but thinking about the other person
my play/drama... all the actors
and situation still
the 3rd time
It penetrated! yay!

take MY inventory
Pray step 7, 3
and these VERY important prayers
let go and let God

I will

What it is that I am doing?
I am trying to run the show
even though I am virtuous
is not working!
and the result if confusion
not harmony
God is my employer
I am his agent!

I must keep My side of the street clean
I must keep My side of the street clean
I must keep My side of the street clean
I must keep My side of the street clean
I must keep My side of the street clean
I must keep My side of the street clean
I must keep My side of the street clean
I must keep My side of the street clean
I must keep My side of the street clean
I must keep My side of the street clean
I must keep My side of the street clean
I must keep My side of the street clean

AND I DID IT AGAIN TONIGHT

Praying for guidance around moving
no signs to tell me not to
inspite of much insecurity
I am continuing
at critical point in next few days
praying like f*ck around everything
prevents me
slapping my colleagues round the head
with my mouse on a daily basis
and has done for a while now
so you will NEVER persuade me
that prayer doesnt work

Uni... really really really
pleased to be back
2 continuing subjects and one new
the one new subject is as clear as MUD!
but then they all were at the beginning of each
semester last year
so I have no fear! simply acceptance..
frustration and spiritual pride!
(I should know more than this!!)
obviously

Going to bed! see ya

Enjoy... one day I want to see
the Northern Lights!
nature it is creative and beautiful
Gods own paint canvess
celestial palette!

When I am angry with or THINKING what appears to be non stop about someone

this is what I read and say out loud, and repeat the prayer outloud/in private/under my breath/in silence... it doesnt matter.. I do it until I feel better!
its amazing what you can learn off by heart
off by heart... :)

See page 66/67 Big Book

To conclude that other people are wrong was as far as most of us ever got. The usual outcome was that people continued to wrong us and we stayed sore. Sometimes it was remorse and then we were sore at ourselves. But the more we fought and tried to have our own way, the worse matters got. As in war, the victor only seemed to win. Our moments of triumph were short-lived.

It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feeling we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die.

Heres the important bit! Amended because I am saying it
If I am to live, I have to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm are not things for me!. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics these things are poison.

I turned back to the resentment, for it held the key to the future. I MUST be prepared to look for it from an entirely different angle. I must be willing to see that the world and its people really dominated us. In that state, the wrong-doing of others, fancied or real, had power to actually kill ME. How could we escape? We saw that these resentments must be mastered, but how? We could not wish them away any more than alcohol.

Here's how i pray it.. This was our course: "God I realise that Fred is perhaps spiritually sick. Though I dont like Freds symptoms and the way these disturbed me, Fred, like me, is sick too"
"God to help me to show Fred the same tolerance, pity, and patience that I would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When Fred offends me, help me say to myself, "This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done."

"Help me to avoid retaliation or argument. I wouldn´t treat sick people that way. If I do, I will destroy my chance of being helpful. I cannot be helpful to all people, but at least God show me how to take a kindly and tolerant view of each and every one"

repeat through the day, everyday until the resentment has gone!
as with anything, when I am IN IT
i think I will be praying forever
and yes in somecases
I have to revisit the prayer
more often that I would like

I use it on ANYONE
who is sitting rent free in my head
for longer than I would like
how long is that?
when my life starts to become unmanageable
when I am thinking about them instead of doing whats in front of me
when my problems begin to pile up on them and
appear to become astonishingly difficult to solve xxvi THE DOCTOR'S OPINION
thats when.. doesnt have to be anger
can be jealous, envious, fearful, lustful, angry
towards the person

Yeh you try studying when you have someone
in your head that you dont want there!
and then I try and blame them for
wasting my study time!?
insane huh...
yep if I dont do anything about it
or think I am the only one!
thats insane :)

You be amazed how quickly I can say the prayer
it takes seconds! but it works
I do it earnestly, desparately
and I really want it to work

It works-it really does P88

Flowers and Stuff

I have been retrainting my tongue
at work... in that not
not expressing my feelings
just baring a few facts
I have recently talked feelings
and its ok sometimes
but really I dont like it..
its what many people do in the workplace
talk about life and defect driven stuff
well the stuff I blog and step 10 really
sometimes I take part for a few moments
during work time and then after
it dont sit right
a) cos the person I have told really just wants a chat with anyone
b) I dont want to talk this stuff through during work
c) its my business and open offices are not private
d) if I didnt work with them, I wouldnt be chatting with them

Anyway today, I am quiet
just getting on with it
quieter than normal someone said..
no I didnt go into it...

yeh I have some decisions to make
life changing
it will get confusing and challenging
I need to be quiet
let the mind and body and spirit
process it...
its not all about moving action
sometimes the action is to listen and quiet
draw some faith and patience

anyway, praying on stuff like
and seeing again
its not the people I am resentful at
its the situation
and its my attitude in a situation
driven by fear or selfishness or self will
or and all...
I can kid myself its the people I resent
but its actually the situation
the people vould be anyone
its the situation
and why?
Because I dont know how it will be (self will)
and through lack of faith
and feel I will not be looked after (fear)(self will)
and I will not be able to cope (self will)
same old stuff
financial insecurity
personal relations
self esteem
ambition

But you know when your getting out
living the spiritual life
this stuffs always gonna come up
same old same old
whats the alternative
convent... nah man
theres only so much praying and isolation
and listening to my own breeathing
being on the outside
is infinitely more interesting
and definitely Gods will for me
right now

doing some study reading this week
risk management
mental loafing leads to scheming!

and yes I always have a choice
turn towards or turn away

yet as I now realise
I choose to pick up the cross
or not
and if I am doing what seems to be Gods will
then I just turn up, do it and take care

just like jesus did
he was afraid and resentful
when he knew his time was nearly up
yet even with the promise of eternal life
he still cried
and yeh he too had a choice
he could have run away at any time
but he didnt
he waited around and continued to continue
keep turning up

no I dont think I am Jesus
but I do think
that when I choose to turn towards (step 3)
and continue to continue (step 6)
any lengths
then it is picking up the cross and walking
trudging into the unknown ... with faith
painful fearful faithful and grateful

I guess baby flowers if they think
like me that is...
must wonder what rain (Fear) is when they first get it
and it must hurtand be abit scary
and they think they'll be snapped
or drowned by floods, (pain) especially when your an inch high
eventually I suppose cos the other flowers
and inch high shoots just sit there (faith)
they do too and wait
and then become(grateful)
because without the rain, they would die
and not worry no matter how much rain comes!
or perhaps flowers are perfectly faithful..

God show me

Simon & Garfunkel - Flowers never bend with the rainfall

...if we work for it

exam results out last night
I have pased this year
with flying colours
4 modules
4 B passes
which is excellent
It seems that I am on the right track
and have to honour this
and ACCEPT IT!
going forward
no signs to say otherwise...

VERY hard work
as you know
excruciatingly painful often
gloriously amazing at times
huge faith
never quit
and remember to breathe

But its all forgotton
this moment has passed by me now!
I have repaired
I am well and do not have the haggered look
I now have the summer off
to enjoy!!

Good luck to all the students
in the Universe
IFOBW how did you do?

Regarding the phone call
I made another one
perhaps I am not making myself
clear enough!?
whatever!
its exactly how its meant to be
as always
practicing patience
thoughtfulness
and NOT sloth!

I am reading Conversations with God Book 2
3 years after reading book 1...
Book one really showed me
just how limited my thinking of
God and the universe
and life and humans
how narrow minded and thinking
I was/am/can be

Book 2 I started a while back
and stopped, so I have started again
I love the bit where God talks about
Time in Chapter 5

Intolerence - my opinion

I am becoming very intolerent
towards alcohol
Thankfully, yes thankfully
the resentment is towards alcohol
and not the people who drink it
mostly!

I am REALLY seeing
exactly how destructive
this thing is
how it touches and affects
not only the drinker and the family
also the neighbours

My father has a neighbour
who arrived home at 1am
banging doors
shouting with his mates
the strangest noises
on the phone out in the garden
loud music
which carried on through until
9am
this is not just alcohol
the police have no control
its a council issue
there is an after 11pm by-law
he knows the police cant do anything
they went round at 1am and asked him to turn it down
their description of him was
a zombie, talking to someone who was not all there
no point in even attempting
he just knows the police have no control
when they talk to him sober
he apologises and understands
he is rational!
and then forgets
seems his hearing and all sense
of social skills
disappears
My dad and his fiance
are becoming ill with this
its starting to eat them up
I can see it
can they move house?
not sure if they will get a buyer
as his behaviour is very unpredictable

As a nation
If we effected a complete abstainence policy
for alcohol
other issues would become apparant
we would realise that as a nation
we have many other problems aside from alcohol
no longer would we be able to have news issues
where would our problem then centre?
in our mind?
in our attitudes?
the heart of the nation?
is the head of our nation really a reliable source?
as a nation we need to take action
more action!

Once again
I want to 12 step the UK
not singlehandedly of course
and once again
I see when we have been through the 12 steps
and practice 10, 11, 12 in all our affairs
these principles filter out into the nation
our 12th step is so important

Our name is Britain and we are alcoholic
we havent yet admitted we are powerless
and our life has become unmanageable
we have tried everything
and we still cant sort this issue
infact its getting worse
we are in the grip of a killer illness

Are we willing to go to any lengths?
Do we try anything, do we really? really?
Do we really accept our shortcomings
and humbly ask a power greater to help?
Do we sing off the same hymn sheet?
Do we really want to solve anything?
or have we become so completely sick
that the unacceptable has now become acceptable
untreated alcoholism?
are we spiritially sick?
as a nation are we a victim
I have an opinion
but its NOT a dig
at any political party
or person
its just an opinion
and observation today

Whats it like in other countries?
the problem is still there
the effects, health, crime are just two examples
but do they have more of a success rate?
do the police and authorities join forces?
I have no idea

All I see is what I see hear
when they said
Keep coming back
more will be revealed
I had no idea what they meant!

I am finding a voice
RaRaRaaaaaaaaaaar :)
Resentments - can lead to solutions
if a process is followed through
not necessarily now!

Patience Johno
Keep coming back
keep talking
honour your truth
dont be scared
be considerate
this is Any Lengths

Recovery Archive found The Last Thing
have you had a look?

Heres another
Recovery is Sexy

And I may start reading this
Buddhism for Dummies!

after study

the days after the end of a “relationship”..
for me, with my books,
I reaslised they and it took up so much of my time,
energy, thinking time, all the time.
I am out of sorts still a week on,
wondering what to do now.. somethings missing…
not true of course,
its just a time for readjustment.

things move around
it fits together
and the joins disappear again
healing in the process of change

I feel as though I have run a marathon
well at least I imagine thats how it is
I am tired
out of sorts
and dont know what to do with myself
I think I need to rest
yet aswell
getting back into life without books
is odd
apparantly this is normal

Since September last year
I have I think felt every emotion
too extremes
though nothing has destroyed the
keep on keeping on
encouragement from
fellows colleagues friends family
has helped too
yet all along
this has felt
so right
everything even the hardest hours and minutes
have felt exactly how they are meant to be

I have never (except fleetingly) wanted to stop
yes at times wondered what the heck
but never in my heart wanted to stop
this is the right direction
still feels the right direction

I am off to pray for direction
grateful today
that you had confirmed only what you already knew
and no nasty suprises
ok enough
pray
then bed!

My attitude needs changing NOT the other persons

Whatever our protestations, are not most of us concerned with ourselves, our resentments, or our self-pity?

See I can easily focus on something or someone
and build their behaviour into something
that is a deliberate attempt to sabotage
my peace of mind and happiness

When the truth is
many other friends, colleagues and neighbours
also are the same and it doesn't affect me
in the same way as it does this person!
Why?

Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.

Sometimes the retaliation from them
and the hurt I feel
is completely manufactured by
my own self will predictions
the other person is completely oblivious
the truth is they have done nothing
except be themselves
other people are doing the exact same thing
and it is not affecting me ATALL

I just realised this happens in me
I just realised this

This is what happens when
a person becomes a higher power
not necessarily in a God sense
just larger than "real" life
living in my head more than necessary

Its a change for me
its a different set of defects driving
this rent free living in my head
but its still
self will and self centredness
together with fear
leaving me in self pity
spiritually sick
there is a need to get over my self!

So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn´t think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness.

We must, or it kills us!

God makes that possible.

And there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without His aid. Many of us had moral and philosophical convictions galore, but we could not live up to them even though we would have liked to. Neither could we reduce our self-centeredness much by wishing or trying on our own power. We had to have God´s help.

Step 3 again! All Italics Big Book 4th ed P62

I just watched Brokeback Mountain on tv
A love that dare not speak its name
Beautiful film
It wasnt too long ago that I couldnt
sit and focus on a film sober for the duration
this is progress
its even more progress
that I sewed some buttons
that have fell off over the last few
...........years!
done some painting at time today
DIY maintenence stuff aswell
realised that I am a little
out of sorts now my course has finished for the summer
like I said the other day
preparing for a change in activity and things
Doing the next right thing :)

Schools out - Time to clean house - take my own inventory - do not delay

Exam over
Prayed before
God said we-re ready
so I asked for his words
in his order
and about 25mins left
I went blank, 1 question to go
I went to the toilet mide xam
and prayed again for the words again
and wrote for another 20...
I am happy with it all

This has been an amazing experience
I will have a look back over the blog posts
at somepoint
I would not have missed any of it for the world
and would not exchange
1 shot of anything
for even the darkest
and hairaising bad hair moments!!

But Wednesday is now history
I have thinking time now
life is slipping in
head stuff I have dealt with
but not with the zeal i would like to have done
now I have
I have to take responsibility
time to take inventory
pray
and share with another human being
and keep praying
and keep taking inventory
and keep praying and keep taking inventory
and keep on
we have a daily repreive

I have been blessed in so many ways
and have faith this will continue
but thats not enough the work will never be over
although this is NOT a complaint
its a way of life
the basic deal is I stay sober in return for
handing my will and my life over
I need take daily inventory
and do some gratitude lists
all that I have done in the last 5 months
was enough in the last 5 months
but I cannot afford to and
do not want to rest on my laurels
thinking its going to see me through even one day

I already seen I had to change my lifestyle
and meetings and everything
Octiber to january which was hard
but exciting at the same time
pink cloud like
the last 4 months
and that was painful...
having to change again
even the stuff that was Good...
and now I have to be prepared to change again

You cannot give away what you havent got
right now
I am a little empty
so I am off to sit with a blank sheet and a pen
rather like I did on wednesday
this time ask for honesty
and tell him the truth
and ask for help on something
I dont understand
let go

I love that we have this program
this toolkit

God thank you for showing me what I am capable of
20 years of thinking about this course
We finally made an excellent start
I am so grateful

Prison service tomorrow
I am looking forward to it :)

and I am starting to accept
letting go and not knowing
on a much deeper level
a much deeper level

theres no love like your love
and no other
could give more love

Bryan Adams yo maybe didnt sing this with God in mind
But today I sing it with God
in my mind
Its true, no human could give what
been given so reliably
by God!

Take me as I am
take my life
I'm giving all
I'm a sacrifice
But theres nothing I want more
You know its true
everything I do
I do it for you
..God
..and no other
could give me more love
theres no where
unless your there
all the time
all the way



I fight for you
I lie for you
walk the wire for you
I die for you
Everything I do
I do it for you
(the great you thats EVERYTHING)
the greater Good, that is God
step3 again...

More stuff that came across me - reason? God wants me happy joyeous and free

Silent gratitude isn't very much use to anyone.
---Gertrude Stein
(nicked it off the bottom of a Christine email)

Peace
Stay full of peace yourself and know that this peace
will reach your loved ones and ultimately the whole world.

Inner Space

Resist Not
Have you ever noticed that resistance leads to persistence. And behind all resistance is self-created fear. The only way to relax and stay relaxed is acceptance. You don't have to agree, or follow, or condone, but acceptance means you begin any interaction with a serenity which invites others to engage with you. And out of engagement comes the satisfaction of creative expression and an enriching relationship. That's relaxation in action!

Inner Space

And finally

Keep it in the day - Dont project - Read Step 3
Pray earnestly!
Sponsor suggestions

I had a 5 days left and I had a I
dont want the course to end moment
Why? i was listening to my fear
of a topic we MAY cover next year
I am afraid of
how the subject will make me feel
See how projecting - Fear
Fears - solution dont hand in the essay
and dont do the exam... simple
Thanks Fear you really have my
best interests at the frefront huh! NOT
Gods solution - Prayed for fear to be removed an for my attention
to be turned to what You (thats God) would have me be
(from Step 4 in Big book)
yeh man, done the God thing :)
Prayed like my life depends on it

I have no idea when my internet
will and wont connect
its all very strange
but the sky has not fallen in
see even though I handed it over a while back
I still doubted!
and I got that wrong! more faith required!
essay deadline met today
I stopped breathing at one point
found myself holding my breath
for far too long
not consciously
i just do it
why do I do that?
no idea!
i just do
I only noticed when I started
to feel weird
and then remembered to breathe
and i cant control how fast
the train arrives
and I may aswell breathe while I am waiting!

Ok, i'm off to read step 3
and pray earnestly some more
I love my sponsor
I love God
I love the Sun
I love that Mollys mohican hair cutted birds
now have bellys bigger than their eyes
instead of the other way around
I love that I am sober
I love my fellow students
I love being a student
I love learning
I love that can I love and its lasting
I love that I didnt lose the faith
I love that at times having the willingness
to reach out to Gods waiting love filled finger tip
I love that childlike ET reaching out
I love that I keep coming back
I love the strength you gave me
I love that I try and see Your will
I love that try and carry it out
I love that you gave me the concept of willingness

Love rocks!!
I'm off to pray earnestly and read step 3

Oh yeh i noticed pints of lager this week
Unsuprisingly, it was when I was
Hungry, Lonely or Tired
H.A.L.T its a very important tool

I saw these ladies live about 15 years ago
I still love their music - enjoy
Chris While & Julie Matthews
It's a wonderful life

Thought for today

Faith
Have the faith that, despite appearances, people are doing the best they can.

you can subscribe to Thought for today
inner space

I'm telling you
the sun is out and its flippin hot!
Britain are reflecting it all back
off their ghostly white bits out!!

just enjoyed 30mins in the sun
on the grass
socks off!! bliss

Monday we had a holiday
I went to the park
the swans have had 7 cygnets
and the moorhens
have had 5 fuzzy things with red fuzzy heads
the swans are playing catch with the canada geese
spring is sprung!!

Even though my head is now spinning
with the up and coming deadlines
I am embracing the way forward
I am present for it all
and Lovin it!

"Random" Question:

Your hand has been replaced by a rubber stamp. What does it say?


Stop thinking and just do it!

The darkest hour is before the dawn

Its like the last bits to complete
of a big dinner party to prepare
the last bit of preparation
of a wall, skirting board
the last bit of the garden that finishes
the preparation off
the last half hour of a busy day at work
the last half an hour of a long drive
you so want to
short cut on that food prep, no one will know
not fill and smooth that bit in the corner no one will see
not dig the last bit round the back where no one sees
bunk of early, the boss isnt here
put your foot down, and spped no one will know
see its hard now, cos I will know!
I have to live with myself

Its the not giving into the instant gratification
and the not giving up at the last minute
its the just keep on keeping on
til your done (this bit)

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will ALWAYS materialize if we work for them. P84

Its finishing off the preparation
completing of the work
the preparation
that no-one sees
the egoles preparation
unglorified
misunderstood by many
why the hell I dont have a life!?
this is my life and its excellent
and instantly yeh at times I would want it
all done
but long termly, i want to work for this stuff
Put in the action required
no instant gratification
instant gratification
is no good for my heart and bones
long term work
gets right in me bones
right to the heart of it
fearless and thorough

reminds me of the step 4 hours
and the at times 10 meetings a week
me and God
doing whats required
for me and my relationship with Him
blind faith or no faith at times
not knowing, just doing
just doing it anyway regardless
no-one did recovery for me
you did and do help and lighted the way
even when I had my eyes tight shut
my ears stayed open
I listen

essay writing and exam prep
no-one does the work for me
same old
put in the footwork
head down
no looking up

yes I am not perfect
this is me
Here I am

stop thinking
no projecting
shut up now
and just frikkin do it!
get it written!

and remember
"Worrying is all wasted energy,
time spent praying to the devil!"

The answers will come, if your own house is in order. But obviously you cannot transmit something you haven’t got. See to it that your relationship with Him is right, and great events will come to pass for you and countless others. This is the Great Fact for us. P164

Don't quit before the miracle

The module I am not clear about
had a really suprising twist last night

20% is on seminar participation
most of the marked seminars
I was completely wiped out
in the early weeks
in fear
going through the motions
one week
feeling the f*ckit button heavy
had answered I dont know
without even trying
i really couldnt be ass'd
exhausted mentally and physically
the rest of the time
I have done my best and turned up
even when I haven been able to do
all that was asked of me
I have tried
anylengths on any given day!!

marked 95% for seminar participation
hows that for encouragement
the "f*ckit" seminar
did not lose me 5%
it was the lowest and wasnt taken into account
I really have no idea how it works
and its probably a good idea that I dont
my marks got higher as the weeks went on

More evidence
put in the footwork let go of the outcome
anylengths is anylengths
it is not perfection
its anylength

They said keep turning up
do the work we set
if you havent done the work
turn up anyway

So I have and do

ok 3-4 weeks remaining
head down
no looking up
no listening to fear
no resting on laurels
no taking things too seriously
no doing anything destructive
listen to the instructions
and just f*ckin do it

and I did another
9am start
thats 3 this week
progress and a miracle at the same time!
ok i'm off to home group
have a fabulous weekend!

Its all becoming clearer - more about study

one of the modules
seems to be fitting into place
buying a voice recorder
was the best buy
along with a bigger ipod
in the last 6 months or so
thanks y'awl fecker!

LISTENING how it all works
over and over
writing it out
LISTENING to this new language
in fear
and now finally HEARING the process
the stucture to follow
and the principles to apply
praise the Lord
i am hearing it spoken by others I trust
those that know better than me
who I understand now to be very imperfect
who get certain things very wrong
but who are definitly
guiding me in the right direction
I am now following their directions
learning how to structure a sentence
!? in English
how these words fit together
sound basic English stuff
but for me its a skill I am learning
painstakingly... its true
word by word
and how to reason it all
test it all out
no guess work
results based, evidence based
stick with the winners
in the broadest sense of the word
working out who my teachers are
in front of me
and past and present
yeh man
bring it on
i am getting excited again!
on one module
all sounds very familiar "rules/suggestions"
I learned in AA and the final suggestion
practice the principles in all your affairs

One module of two seems to be
coming clearer

the other is still a mare..
Rararara
its ALL exactly how its meant to be
its not over YET
if it all became clear at the same time
i THINK i MAY DIE OF SHOCK and cynicism
and I wouldnt believe it was truly clear
moi the eternal doubter

We had to register next years modules
this week, I thought i had done it wrong
contact the correct person
and was told to STOP WORRYING
are you suprised?

If you are approaching end of semester
Good luck, stop thinking now just 'uckin do it
follow the process
apparantly the words are all in there (ones head)
God will get them out in the right order
if i/we let him

still praying for a change in attitude to
9am start. 9.15am today
however I did notice
my chains were nothing to do with
the imaginary gestapo protecting the world
but tiredness from being up very late
doing homework

hmmm is this yet another
old idea I am going to have to let go of
for lack of evidence based
on from now onwards?
have I chaned without realising it?
could be...

praying anyway

Footballs off for me tomorrow
to many dropped out...
have to say
this week I am relieved
only as I am lacking in energy
self inflicted non gym attendance
for a while now
I actually am looking forward to
getting back down there and
picking up where I have let my self go
firming up what was once firm or firming up
prioritizing physical appearance
a little higher than I have been
internal and external nourishment
looking forward to all that
again :)

The lights are coming on
and I am at home
sanity restoring
who knows for how long
I am enjoying having it
for today