I have no idea

What direction i am going in
Its a bizarre place
Am i in the eye of the storm?
Am i deluding nyself?
Am i lost
Am i ok

Feels like a everythings
Shifting round
Like shuffling
Not spinning out of control
Just shifting round

I cant think of the words
Just a moving round
Bits being added
And bits dropping off
Not all easy
Yet it dont feel like
I am a victim

Just moving round
And still being prepared
For what?
I have no idea

But its all happening
Very slowly
Too slowly for my liking
Yet its happening
Spiritual Growth?!
Further growing up aches

Feeling like i spent
The last 5 years in God school
Learning how to have
Much needed
relationship with
A power greater than myself
And now its time to
Leave school and
Do some work

Anylengths
Let go absolutely
Trust the process
Gods time, not mine

Not cooked yet!! :-)

Apparantly everythings
As it should be :-)

96 hours after - Dont quit before the miracle

Feeling very raw
Opened up
Naked
Vulnerable
Yet
Knowing
The truth will set me free
And waiting for freedom

To ask for the truth
No games
No misunderstanding
No small part wondering
Relationships on face value
Keep my side of the street clean

To get there
I had to be heartbroken
Break through the protection
My heart had built
Ask the questions
Explore fully completely
Let go absolutely
Allow the answers through
To my core
reach my soul
Give it the space to live
Give it the answers it needs
Let it crumple & strengthen in its pain
Let it process
Let it find accptance
set it free

Falling in love all over the place?
Is that what i do?
No, just in some places
Good kind loving giving hearted
Likeminded souls
There's a part of me searching
Soul searching for its mate
Thesedays its looking in
The best places
Safe, loving, nurturing
Making friends along the way

:-)

Step 2 ... Faith ... Hope ... In something thats not me

I am feelinh hopeful
i have been reading
praying
and feeling lighter

i have hope
i havr faith
i have never read about
overcoming abuse

i have never looked at it
as the work if the devil/satan before
only that god did not
have hand in it or stopping it
why? I dunno
strangely thats not so important
i am just glad to find something
that makes sense
and some scripture
to consider and pray over
i feel better
i believe i could be restored
in some way in this area

healing has begun this week
further acceptance its
going to take time
36+ years of brainwashed
in this part of my thinking
is going to take a miracle

i just need You (the great yo)
to keep telling me the trutg
see through the lies i dont know are lies

i am grateful to me sponsor
for challenging me this week
on some lies which i didnt know
were lies
they has been in my head ages
old ideas, maybr true once
but not
now!!

Grateful for all your comments
this week

encouragement touches my heart
and is part of healing
as is straight talking and
common sense
as is humour :)

2 more sleeps :D

Humbled by the extraordinariness that my life is - compared to what it was

my efforts - willingness
and its/his Power
combined
create the extraordinary
I feel humble
and grateful to be
within the realm of the King of Goodliness

Matt Redman - Facedown


Someone once said to me
God wants his family back
like a father

today my Dad
offered to come and help with my house move
this is extraordinary!
and yet to many it will not appear that way

See God had created what to
many will seem ordinary
ordinary life
ordinary experiences
but to me
it feels very special
its worked for
with good motives

a few days ago
I said marriage and kids
may make my life perfect
I think
having my dad in my life
is more important today
I had accepted that the distant
and muted life we share.. was it
and I pray for them both often
restraint and tolerence and patience
and love
and see... what happens

perhaps they just didnt like where I live
and have been wishing for
me in the same way for not changing
and they having to accept my ways...
excersizing their own restraint
tolerence patience and love

somehow without argument...
excersizing live and let live
and giving time time
we may have finally found some middle ground
geographically speaking

6 out of the last 7 working days
I have arrived early
at work...
I dropped off the early meetings
wed/thursday/friday last week
wed/thurs still got in early
but it was a struggle
Friday, I was well late!!
proves to me yet again
I cant do this on my own
I revert back...
today I did some shopping
in between the meeting and work
and still arrived early
now thats what I call
a flippin miracle!

God makes anything possible

Today I went to prison to to a chair
my clearance had come through
but they hadnt got it on the list
nor the other guy who was with me
he was going to give up and go home
the prison "guard" got on the phone
and his guvner said we could go on G wing
as long as we got searched

One guy turned up at the meeting
he shared how he had no-one to share with
as many newcomers said they would turn up
and didnt, they said they wanted help
but WOULDNT FOLLOW SUGGESTIONS
and so he was really glad we came
cos he needed to hear and share with
us about recovery, he gets lonely and disheartened
when he has no-one to help him
he does all the helping
he loves that he has AA and prayers and God

See God meant us to stick around and not go home
until the prison officer told us too
Even if your clearance hasnt reached the main desk
God makes things possible!

I really wanted to go home after
But had a meeting with the chair of intergroup
how can I have a resentment? well I have
turned up anyway
beautiful flat on the Thames
silent and peaceful, he cooked
we talked and got some business done

Now I must study

God help me please

We are not saints - Running on empty

Tried the patience of a saint
Tired of waiting
Tried the patience of an angel
We are not saints P60

Waiting for the results of my exam
Dealing with an incompetent lawyer
Accepting at times the unacceptable
Taking action
Taking inventrory
Praying
Giving freely
Working with newcomers
Passing it on
Turning up for work
restraint of tongue and pen
Doing all the next right things
(well not all, am not perfect)
Handing it over
letting go of the outcome
to the nest of my ability
Keeping on Keeping on
Accpeting powerlessness and taking action

Is all very tiring
I just got empty
I wanted someone to give to me

The difference today is that
I called my sponsor and said
I dont want advice
I dont want fixing
I just need someone to listen to me
and just listen
thats not going to give advice
or go poor me
To speak TO someone thats not wanting from me
is that ok?

She did just that
And then said I was just empty
JUST EMPTY - yeh it was the perfect description
Apparantly even Jesus sometimes took himself off
and had time out..without telling his mates
Well if its good enough for Jesus
Well its good enough for Johno

So I have been spending more time nurturing
my relationship with Him, thats with God as I understand Him
Not Jesus
NOT blogging
Not composing Posts in my head through the day
Not thinking about blogger or facebook
yeh I think about you people, the difference today is
I know your well being is not dependent upon my posts
I know my wellbeing is not dependent on reading your posts
See theres progress for me...
My reliance is on Him, not people
Practicing these principles
Being of service in all my affairs
Relatives, work colleagues... sill suffering

I have along way to go
Step 11 it seems is a journey in itself
I just do what makes me feel good TODAY
I just do what makes me feel good at the moment
And am continually finding out more and more
More is revealed

Nurturing my relationship with the Highest Love
Is the most important thing I need to do each day
and maintaining it

In a desperately needy moment this week
I turned towards, asked his care and protection
I asked God to love me this week
Just to love me, to empty my mind and fill it with Him
to shut my head up so I could hear him
What I got back is very healing, fulfilling

What is this but a miracle of healing? Yet its elements are simple. Circumstances made him willing to believe. He humbly offered himself to his Maker-then he knew. P57

God will constantly disclose more to you and to us. P164
I made a beginning, wrote some songs or are they poems today...

I have never read any Susan Jeffers books
I bought "Embracing Uncertainty" a few years ago
and read the first few pages
The other night I got out of bed and took it off my shelf
It seemed to be that still small voice telling me
God said the other night that should read it

The next day I jokingly said I should go to
Control Freaks Anonymous
And then got a little freaked out when
I read the words "Control Freaks Anonymous"
on the next page the next day...
There are no coincidences
Sometimes I have to put even the simplest things
like what I read in Gods hands

we realize that the things which came to us when we put ourselves in God’s hands were better than anything we could have planned.P100

I read very little except AA literature
During the first 3-4 years of recovery
Mainly because I couldnt concentrate
Or it didnt seem to fit and was hard work
I have built up a small library of books
which jumped out off the shelves...
I know you know what I mean
Nothing goes to waste in recovery it seems
Even so, I am amazed how far I have come
without reading this stuff
yet it all seems like stuff that fits
You guys did all the reading for me
And gave me what I needed when I needed it
my antennae, just picked up the right
Bits at the times it was needed seemed
God did for me what I couldnt do for myself

I've put down Men are from Mars, Women are From Venus
for the time being
I havent handed my will and my life over to the care
of Susan Jeffers as I understand her
But she has already suggested
A way for me to improve my faith
I wonder whats in store for me tomorrow
I wonder whats in Gods Plan for me

The need to improve my relationship with God
is more important for the moment
I have no idea what is store
All in Gods Hands

Even so has God restored us all to our right minds. To this man, the revelation was sudden. Some of us grow into it more slowly. But He has come to all who have honestly sought Him. P57

God is lovely to me
When we drew near to Him He disclosed Himself to us! P57

Feeling impatient? want recovered in all areas NOW ?

Imagine your defects sitting in front of you
along with your head and the Sh&t fairy

Heres one to try
Try Singing this to your defects of character
Try Singing this as if you are your heart
try singing this from your heart
Sing this to the sh&t fairy that sits on your shoulder
who'se saying its not working or I would be fixed by now

You are recovering from a killer illness (like cancer)
The alcohol problem, appears to have been removed
Which itself is a gift
We then want ACTION in all other areas of our life NOW
It all becomes really clear what needs sorting out, changing

We forget, Alcohol was/is what was killing us physically
even though mentally we may still be
driven insane by our thinking (or should I say
listening to our defective thinking
thinking driven by our defects
which eventually if not dealt with will drive us into
insanity, or death... not just by drinking

The great thing about recovery is
we suddeny see all these other things need changing
improving on, and we want it NOW because we see
others have had it changed, it CAN be done
and we are told we are not the exception
Keep coming back does not quiet the impatience

All in Gods Time, (not mine)
(I keep saying this, I think its gonna be the title
of my first song!?)

Sometimes inventory needs retaking
and retaking
and retaking
on certain life areas
(Step4 & then ongoing Step10's)
Works
Taking responsibility
having faith
Prayer
Allow Willingness, Action and Patience to drive you

The only thing instant in AA is the coffee
And 20-30 years of insanity will not be fixed in 2 or 3 or 4
However it amazing and all areas are being sorted and resorted
improved and improved
The best is yet to come

So while your still healing
Have a little patience



Take That - Patience

God Doesnt give us.....

God Doesnt give us more than we can handle (a quote from Big Book)

God decided that cancer would be too much for me to handle today.

He gave me something else, incurable, by conventional medicene, uncomfortable but HARMLESS. Oh yeh, they offered me a pill, but said its not a guarantee to help...

Am grateful for the harmless, I have accepted incurable, I havent accepted that I cant reduce the uncomfortable or reduce the symptoms. Pills (so far) i dont take unless its a matter or life & death.

I can explore a change in diet next (yes I have a diet these days to change)
I can explore other alternative remedies
There are no proven cures, its trial and error
Its gonna be interesting...for me anyway

Here we go then, patience, willingness, openmindedness, will do for a start

It is a design for living that works in rough going. P.15 Alcoholics Anonymous

I felt this afternoon that I had been walking for 2 months non stop on a journey, a journey to where I didnt know. I just know that I have been going in the right direction most of the time.
I cant believe what I have just walked through, but I have, Hand In Hand with The Sprit of the Universe.

Am blessed with Unity, Recovery Service. The ability to give & be given. Thats all I know.