Sunday, October 30, 2005

Grit teeth... Acceptance is the answer....Blind faith

Is this really what I got to do?

Instead of work being so important
Accept it for what it is
it just enables me
to pay my bills
to be in a comfortable space
to feed me

Its what I do outside of work that feeds my spirit
The fellowship
The giving for free
Giving freely of what i been given
The stuff that costs me no money
The stuff that I spend no money
That gives me that filled up feeling
Not the stuff I do for money

Am grateful for the movie i saw last night
A snapshot of a young traveller girls life
I Remembered living in a tent for a time
Getting out of bed and having wet feet
The filling up my kettle at the tap on a pipe
The waking up in the fresh air
Listening to Mother Nature
Seeing Mother Nature
When i had nothing i was equally as "happy" as i am now
Or is it less is more
the less i had the more full i felt
it was brief, but it was there

Even that wasnt real... or was it
Living in a tent... working in the city
I got a feeling am on the verge of something
can it really be that simple ?
not a tent, but openmindedness is the key
pay attention, watch, listen & learn

Need to look at this stuff
Back to basics
Is the need to have this flat so important ?
Is my belongings that important ?

Am I hanging on to materials unnecessarily ?
Whats the most important thing ?
What could I do without ?

God grant me some honesty around this financial insecurity
How honest am i being?
If my job got took away, i could manage for a time without
how long for ?
okay okay... i get the picure
But others have money in the bank too
This is NOT about others
This is about me
me finding out who i am
finding out what am comfortable with
finding out what am uncomfortable with
taking a risk to find out
who i am, my authentic self
and then learn how to live with me

Let go again
Let go of my power struggles at work
I may not get to enjoy
If I have the anxiety pains I had last week
What i have is enough... it really is
when i ask myself
"what is it that i really want money for, that i dont have now?"
the answer is not something that money can buy
Love, filled up feeling, peace of mind

Money & Ambition... Ambition drivin by Money
Its really not that important…is it ?

It doesnt mean taking what i have for granted
it doesnt mean abusing what is
it doesnt mean being ungrateful for what i have
if am living in the brace position around work
am running on self will, not Gods Will

Am grateful to be able to think & not act today

God grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change
the courage to change the things i can
and the wisdom to know the difference

God grant me patience & acceptance around this stuff
Show me your will and the power to carry it out

When we sincerely took such a position, all sorts of remarkable
things followed. We had a new Employer. Being all powerful,
He provided what we needed, if we kept close to Him and
performed His work well. Established on such a footing we
became less and less interested in ourselves, our own little
plans and designs. More and more we became interested in
seeing what we could contribute to life. As we felt new power
flow in, as we enjoyed peace of mind, as we discovered we
could face life successfully, as we became conscious of His
presence, we began to loseour fear of today, tomorrow or
the hereafter. We were reborn P63 Alcoholics Anonymous

let go abso fucking lutely or the result with be NILLLLLLLLLLLL
Do or die Johno,
oh so your back aswell... here comes the fricking Drama Queen
stop being so dramatic,
why wait til your backs against the wall this time?
this isnt game over ... its only just begun... stop wrestling with the pigs
just do it
just do it

Police... horses... Full Moon

kind,considerate, patient, generous;
even modest and self-sacrificing.
On the other hand, he may be
mean, egotistical,selfish and dishonest.

He begins to think life doesn't treat him right.
He decides to exert himself more. He becomes, on the
next occasion, still more demanding or gracious, as the
case may be. Still the play does not suit him. Admitting
he may be somewhat at fault, he is sure that other people
are more to blame. He becomes angry, indignant,
self-pitying.What is his basic trouble? Is he not really as
elf-seeker even when trying to be kind? Is he not a victim
of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness
out of this world if he only manages well? Is it not evident
to all the rest of the players that these are the things he wants?
And do not his actions make each of them wish to retaliate,
snatching all they can get out of the show? Is he not,
even in his best moments, a producer of confusion rather
than harmony? P61 Alcoholics Anonymous

Hows this work then...
I just put down the idea that people would save me,
and its going ok
now i got another aspect of me to deal with...
I think am gonna change my blog to Outright Mental Defective 2.

This time its Money & ambition.
i get a few months of turning up
doing an honest days work for an honest days pay
now i want more... money that is.
I have decided they dont pay me enough,
other people earn more than me
and dont do their jobs aswell as me,
so i am hard done to and want more.
Dont they know who I am ?!?!
Get the picture ?!

I really dont like the person I am at the moment in this aspect of my life
Resentment city
Quick to critisise
Cant restrain my keyboard,
Banged out a truly appauling email this week
My boss retaliated

I have to at certain times of the month,
restrain all my actions which are not suggested in the big book
if fact I seems to remember it suggested once or twice
to restrain everything i do at anytime
to just doing whats suggested in the big book
or by a sponsor

Fuck it i am so self willed, its a joke
I prayed to be shown what to do
Got an amazing answer almost immediately (about 3.30am)
Thankfully i havent acted on that
I have learned something,
that its not always wise trust what answers
appear to have come from God
especially at 3.30am
without seeking counsel with those who often know better
the times not right to discuss it or release it on the world yet
so it remains on paper by my bed... safe
safe... means not in my head growing
safe... not released at work, causing chaos

I thought it best to get in on time the next day
and shut the fuck up, restraint of tongue & pen
let others do the talking
It was ok
Still not sure what was gonna happen next
Keep it in the day
Went to lunchtime meeting, heard others have had a problem
restraining themselves via electromis messaging this week
What is it this week??? full moooooon howl or what?

Any way finally, after two years,
and much defiance, i decided to pray,
for someone I am angry at
And i done it again this morning
and i will do it again tonight
aswell as handing my will over
and the other stuff am praying for these days
may need to write a list of stuff to pray for,
theres quite abit at moment
Isnt that what Gods for
Too much for me to keep in my head
Its all better off out in the Universe

Went for some spiritual healing this week
prayed during that aswell
asking God to heal me
quite an experience
The healer asked me if i was in the police or was with horses
neither applied on that day... but as always openminded

Ok so after a week, throwing toys, daggers and spears out of my pram
wallowing in my own self pity
that much anger inside, i had to get a hair cut, by someone else
a place i can go and have a part of me cut, without hurting myself
Turning a self harming thought
into a self healing and positive experience

Commited myself to a 2nd home group this week
and last night had a drinking dream
what an end to a completely bonkers week
I still dont "drink like a gentleman" in my dreams
I just walked out of an AA meeting and was feeling ok
someone walked upto me
and asked me to hold a spare tumbler of wine for her
just for a moment... yeh sure ok
as i was talking to her
I just lifted it up to my lips and it
just went down in two, like it used to
sticking in my throat and burning as it went
such an enjoyable experience...
i never even realised until after it had gone, what i done
then it came, oh fuck, it can be that easy
it was just so natural
i didnt forget i dont drink
I just never gave it a thought
i had no mental defense against that first drink
a strange mental blank spot
a warning
also a sign... its the beginning of a chance to change
pain leads to spiritual growth

Today I got choices
Sit with this miserable behaviour
that I keep on with over and over at work
or change
I obviously cant change alone, or i would have done it by now
I must need a Power Greater than myself
To abstain from work is not practical
I have to learn how to do this
Become a worker amongst workers
Accept what I cant change at work
Change the things I can
I can change my Attitude
AA Altered Attitude
I need help with this
I need acceptance
I earn enough for what i need at the moment
accept it and get on with the steps

So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making.
They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme
example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so.
Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this
selfishness. We must, or it kill us! God makes that possible.
And there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self
without His aid. Many of us had moral and philosophical
convictions galore, but we could not live up to them even though
wewould have liked to. Neither could we reduce our self-centeredness
much by wishing or trying on our ownpower.
We had to have God's help. P62 Alcoholics Anonymous

Keep on Keeping on

Saturday, October 22, 2005

I cant, He can, let Him

We were now at Step Three. Many of us said to our
Maker, as we understood Him: "God, I offer myself to Thee --
to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve
me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will.
Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear
witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and
Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!" We thought
well before taking this step making sure we were ready;
that we could at last abandon ourselves utterly to Him.
P63 Big Book

When i first took this step with my sponsor,
i could only just get what i was doing it for
I still didnt really get what it all meant
I just could see that what worked for you could also work for me
so i did it
It was a beginning

It really was a beginning of something much much more
than i could ever have imagined
My own limited understanding of what i was doing was almost nil
But i did it anyway

The power of prayer... its taken me until recent events
to really get what it means
to really trust & pray & do & let go
to be specific when i ask
to ask only if its gonna make me useful
lucky it seems i am
my prayers really do get answered

I just spent a week "trying to run the show" at work
i became the moaning old git never satisfied with what is
taking everyones inventory
quite frankly by Friday, i was sick of hearing myself speaking
living through gritted teeth & by fingernails
is NOT what God intends for me, its not happy joyeous & free
Its not useful whinging on

By Friday, i step 10'd, got honest with my sponsor
Self will... not again, its here again
just another area of my life, i trying to manipulate
Self seeking... yes i am underpaid
Ego-centric ... yes but dont you know who i am???

Time to right size
My pride is squashed
Self will running riot
Self pity beginning to ooze out of each pore
impatience until December/January
Financial Insecurity ... yeh that aswell
If you would only run the office how i suggest it.........
Pay me what am worth
Theres bits of me i cant change alone
i been trying to keep my mouth shut all week and i CANT
NO HUMAN power could have relieved our alcoholism P60 Big Book

Our description of the alcoholic, the chapter to the agnostic, and our personal adventure before and aftermake clear three pertinent ideas:
That we were alcoholic and could not manage our
own lives.
That probably no human power could have relieved
our alcoholism.
That God could and would if He were sought.

P60 Big Book

Hear it... see it.... Feel it.... Step 3
The first requirement is that we be convinced that anylife run on self-will can hardly be a success P60 Big Book

I didnt know what to pray for.... now i do
Am getting braver at being specific
My faith is growing, broadening, growing
I tried it, so am doing it already for when Monday comes around

When i took Step3 last year, i had lots of evidence to prove that something Greater
was there, but i just could not see how there & what it was there for
I was too full of resentment, fear of becoming a non-entity, too full of self
Thank God for Honesty Openminded, Willingness
I had them things

Taking this step today, felt a natural thing to do, i wanted to
There is too much evidence now of a Power Greater than myself
& what it HAS done for me, and what i see done for others
Letting go of Old ideas IS the easier softer way
Doing Gods will IS the easier softer way
(not always obvious at the time though :)

I see its a lifelong process to be worked at
God & me & you's
Pickin up the spiritual tools is a gift
learning how to use them is a gift
Am grateful to be sober & on this Great Liner

Keep on, Keeping on

All page ref's "Big Book" Alcoholics Anonymous

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Well its official

I am a safe rider (of motorcycle)
After 20 year gap, bought a bike & gingerly took too the road
Full licence, doesnt mean safe rider, so i took a refresher course
Confidence not quite there... a little shakey at times
But GET OUT THERE and try it

So i did/do
London Traffic certainly keeps me in the present moment
You Snooze You Lose
A definite improvement in a few short weeks
Dropped it already...
well am just like the others riders then... imperfect.. accept it

Today, took some instruction,
as i wanted some slow riding skills improving
Guess what, he said my bike was defective,
no wonder my slow riding skills were shakey

On the road riding, very little to say, just a few hints
general handling, just relax, be confident, feel the engine... what!?
Do you by any chance mean ... Use the force ?

i can do it, i am doing it, its the bike thats defective,
not me this time Hale"frickin"leuia

It was time well spent, it feels more manageable already
Just got to pray the front end is fixable
Its a bit like the circus bike, where the bars go one way & the wheel the other, well not quite as exaggerated, but you get the picture
If you imagine driving/riding with your front tyre/s flat
thats the control i havent got, very heavy

Needed someone else to point out the problem
Message is I am not always the problem, but my reaction to it that is
No extra training required, just practice
Day at a time

I got a retro bike, so no tricky sporty riding
No whizzing around, its not built for that
But then am not sure i am... yet
Easy does it

Fun Fun Fun

Step3 postponed, sponsor sick
obsessive thinking absent today... thankyou God
Have i made a Decision ttmwamlotapgt myself? Yeah

Lighten up ? yeah ok i'll give that ago aswell

Saturday, October 15, 2005

Solve all my problems ?

Tuesday, having considered going to something none fellowship instead of my home group. being asked by my sponsor to ask my self "what are my priorities?" I got a that huge wave of fear of being let go by Sponsor again. The rollercoaster commenced

Resentment is the "number one" offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else.
Page 64

This week, i have considered another fellowship AGAIN
I have this people fantasy issue
I no longer want to live with this miserable feelings & behaviours
Am sick of it
It started before i picked up a drink
Maybe drink is not my primary addiction
MAYBE there it came, that word i try not to use, its woolly & vague & drives me away from the programme into doubt, needing reassurance etc.

Look at the facts ONLY today, shit i couldnt because I didnt know them

I have been told by "AA wise people", wait til after step9
Seek outside help for what steps dont sort
I have heard in "AA meetings" other people get confused when they go to a few fellowships
This was driving me insane, this need to find out what was wrong with me
This FEAR, that i was the only one & knowing i wasnt
This ANGER that other people dont admit this
I never heard anyone discussing it in words i understand
(except newcomers... they all coming at me)
I havent got the answer & it became UNBEARABLE
Restless Irritable Discontented
An insane urge to fix on anything and everything
Old behaviours crept into my head,
i had to stop all this stuff in my head
Didnt do any of what i wanted to fix on
Full on frickin misery was setting in
Obsessing all day is not my idea of happy joyeous & free

I bought a WORDY BOOK i had to identify with this thing
Face the fucker head on
It was gonna eat me alive anyway, i might aswell read about what it was
12 step solution, Page 1, yeh i knew what was wrong with me
Did i need to read on ? I read chapter one
Made notes in the book, admitted to the book, where i identifed
Got it on the pages, shut the book
I knew i wasnt alone, but i felt soooo lonely, that Nutter feeling came back
Step10's, Gratitude lists, did all suggestions threw gritted teeth
It dont say it wont work "even if you think you are a nutter" does it ?
I didnt know what to do..., the suggestions werent working (BS see below)
Is that the truth ? Are they the facts ?

I called my sponsor, STOP analysing, call a newcomer
Go find a spiritual place (like a toilet) and get on your knees
Pray for the fixing to be lifted
Its hard...sob.... she said... yeh i know
I am desperate, i'll do anything, couldnt spend time looking for a toilet
I got on my knees in the middle of the cafe where i was sitting
Pretended to be looking in my bag
Prayed out loud (not that loud) for my fixing to be lifted
for God to show me his will & the power to carry it out

I was already meeting a newcomer, going to meeting together
How could i be of help today.... God said "Do it anyway, let go of the outcome"
I called up another 2 newcomers, both seemed grateful for the call
Left another message on a voicemail
Put the wordy book away, enough, enough

Went to Starbucks, spilled it, before i left the counter - God help me
Found a seat & read some big book
Friend came, went to the meeting of "Longer sobriety"
Message for me.... Hand it over
God can do anything...ANYTHING
Let go & keep letting go
Suddenly i was hearing it
People were sharing about how they hand other problems over to their Higher Power

Walked to the bus with the newcomer, sharing experience & step1 & 2
Bizarrely its where am in the big Book
sharing experience & hope etc, well i hoped i was
but wasnt that sure... not much responses from this week back relapser
Do it anyway... its none of my business what she thinks
Her bus came, i expected her to get on it, she didnt,
she chose to wait for mine & travel someway with me... how bizarre
I carried on sharing, listening, sharing, listening
Keep it very simple... its hard sometimes

Got home & did something I havent done for months
Candles, low lights, music & read the big book, got connected
( i realised have missed this time, my time with God)

Chapter to the Agnostics P56 "Who are you to say there is no God"
Sparked off for me
Who am i to say this wont work for me?
Who am I to say that God cant lift my obsession in this area?
Who am i to say that my Sponsors suffering was anyless painful than mine?
Who am i to put limits on the Power of God?
Am i gonna ignore ALL the evidence in my own experience of what God HAS already done for me, that I couldnt do for myself?
Am i gonna trust this process or not ?
Either God is or he isnt ... whats it to be ?
Funny that, i stopped fighting and slept

next day
Prayed many times for my fixes to be lifted, was specific
Read the wordy book, gave myself 30minutes, step10's then forget it
Tidied some stuff up at home
Went to meeting
Sponsor shared experience of same stuff as me
Said to use the steps in all my affairs
This is Alcoholism
I said i was angry no-one else discusses it, this people stuff
no-ones honest so how can i believe its gonna get fixed by AA ?
Thats when i surrendered - she was talking about it
Isnt one person talking to another enough?
Otherwise why would she say it... fuck it, i running out of fighting talk
am being beaten into this state of reasonableness AGAIN

The meeting reading...More about Alcoholism which included
Quite as important was the discovery that spiritual principles would solve all my problems
YES YES alright... i'll stop sulking....its clicking you BASTARDS

The decision to not seek out side help was made
The wordy book, well, i tried to read some today, but couldnt take it in
It dont have that pull like it did
Went to meeting this afternoon, heard how people DID solve other problems with the help of their Higher Power, the Steps & fellowship.
Went to meeting tonight, heard how a 7 year old was doing step1 again because of another problem in his life, someone else, was doing similar.
Am listening God, am hearing God

Any frickin lengths, crawled through this week

So my priority is trust God, clean house & give freely of what I have been given
I am having to believe that God is everything
-I have no choice, theres to much evidence to not believe
I am about to embark on Step 3 tomorrow
There are no coincidences

I cant do this life alone, this week has proved it, my little plans and designs avail me nothing.
In AA i no longer have to do anything alone. Am grateful.

An old timer said tonight... Sometimes all i have to do is nothing.
Its true. Listen and learn and accept

And as for my comment at the beginning that Step10's, gratitude list, suggestions not working
That BS, I havent thought about a drink this week & I havent done anything really which warrants harm. Just a heap of misery, some isolating, all of which I am on my way out of.

Progress not Perfection

Keep on keeping on

All page references are from "Big Book" Alcoholics Anonymous

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Bill W's Story

I heard Bill W's chair last night

the one which he did the day Dr Bob died

God moves in mysterious ways

If he hadnt made that 10th call, where would millions of us be now?

Dead ?

I am moved by what i heard and grateful for all of it
it just keeps getting better & better

Faith without works is dead. P14 Alcoholics Anonymous

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Suddenly i see

That i really have been complicating the hell out of all of this stuff
I only came in cos i had a drink problem
My life was so shit
An i was so sick of being this way (whatever it was)
You "sold" me the ideas in the Big Book, but i didnt see it at the time
You showed me how to tap into the hopelessness of my situation
Then you showed me what the solution was
I never realised Alcohol was a Power Greater than myself
I heard you felt/had felt like i did
You described me perfectly
I thought you could read my mind
I seen that you all had found something, a solution
Some of you no longer felt or behaved like i did
You didnt have that hoplessness, confusion, despair
You showed me what you done
I tried it, with much sulking
I got results
Sobriety lifted the lid on a huge pile of other aggravations
I was full of self pity, self doubt, unconscious dependence on people
Filled with what you called loneliness, that i didnt understand
Misery is optional you said
Stick with the winners
Trust the process, the Evidence is in the rooms
Something is keeping us sober & happy & free
So with much sulking & doubt & fear i trusted
By this time I was using the tool which lifted the self pity
By this time the obsession to drink had quietened
By this time I could feel something working
By this time I had some hope it might just work for me too

You showed me evidence recently that i was no longer alone
I felt absolutely part of something magical & loving & powerful
I took hold, accepted it & that layer of loneliness fell away

My unconscious dependence on people, became unbearably concscious
I had reached the layer which had locked me into this self doubt
This living through other peoples experiences
This lack of trust that my own experiences were real
This living in fantasy, someone elses reality
This reliance on people, really had brought me ultimately only misery
This illusion that someone else knew all the answers
This illusion that if i told you everything, you would fix me
This i had believed, this illusion had tricked me for a lifetime
This illusion that my experience was not valid
This illusion that i was never gonna be enough
This illusion that what i WAS experiencing was not enough
This illusion that you had to tell me yes am doing ok
This is how i lived my days
Making up rules to confine me
Unbearable, i got to that same point, i was sick of living like this

I had to let go or this was gonna kill me
it was killing me
I was full of resentment, fear
It was driving me insane
Even the people had stopped working for me
People were making me miserable
My attitude towards people was alll mucked up

I had to do what worked with alcohol
I had to let it go
I had to do without
I had to find a power greater than you and the other
I had to find One that had all Power
I didnt know how to let go, i never done it "alone"
I was baffled by this one
I was kind of ready, but i had no idea how ready
I thought i honestly wanted to be rid of this bondage
But i had no idea what was gonna happen
You knew intuitively knew what to do
Am no gonna analyse your actions any further than that
My My Hyde thinking told me this was the end, back to the darkness

But something came to me... i wasnt alone, it had already been proven
It wasnt gonna work now, well thats not true either, it already was
I dont know what to do
Well I wanted to get with my HP, heres my chance

So i have, and i am, some amazing experiences have happened in a month
I thought it would be the worst thing
but its actually been a "best thing"
Old ideas, dependence on people, places & things blocks me from the sunlight

Reliance on God has brought me only good stuff - there really are no limts

For a start my obsession to drink has been lifted, I have been restored to a level of Sanity around which I never experienced before. Like i said, my other stuff got in the way, i been missing the simplicity of it all. Our primary purpose, the last two paragraphs of a Vision For You, its all been there, but its only just jumped off the page and hit me.... Suddenly i see what its all about. I seeing the answers, theyre coming at me.

If you are as seriously alcoholic as we were, we believe there is no middle-of-the-road solution. We werein a position where life was becoming impossible, and if we had passed into the region from which there is no return through human aid, we had but two alternatives: One was to go on to the bitter end, blotting out the consciousness of our intolerable situation as best we could; and the other, to accept spiritual help. This we did because we honestly wanted to, and were willing to make the effort. P25/26 Alcoholics Anonymous

Being specific with God, has been working, the answers have come, but even today i see how my mind wipes easily, i had forgotten the Power of God there are no limits. I had forgotton to ask for guidance on stuff which baffles me. Its only a short time ago, i seen the power of asking for specific stuff, but today I forget.

Thankfully i am now listening to my Sponsor, trusting my own experience & asking the One who has all Power - God & doing my best to do his will

It works -- it really does (P88 Alcoholics Anonymous)

This i fully relate to now.....

I was to test my thinking by the new God-consciousness within. Common sense would thus become uncommon sense. I was to sit quietly when in doubt, asking only for direction and strength to meet my problems as He would have me. Never was I to pray for myself, except as my requests bore on my usefulness to others. Then only might I expect to receive. But that would be in great measure.

My friend promised when these things were done Iwould enter upon a new relationship with my Creator;that I would have the elements of a way of living whichanswered all my problems. Belief in the power ofGod, plus enough willingness, honesty and humility to establish and maintain the new order of things, werethe essential requirements

Simple, but not easy; a price had to be paid. It meantdestruction of self-centeredness. I must turn in all thingsto the Father of Light who presides over us all.

These were revolutionary and drastic proposals, but the moment I fully accepted them, the effect was electric.There was a sense of victory, followed by such a peace and serenity as I had never know. There was utter confidence.I felt lifted up, as though the great clean wind of a mountain top blew through and through. God comes to most men gradually, but His impact on me was sudden and profound. P13/14 Alcoholics Anonymous