Tuesday, October 28, 2008

My conscience is telling me...

I need to go to a meeting
with the intention of being useful...

Give freely of what you have been given...

It doesnt say
reap the rewards
and then enjoy it all selfishly

It doesnt say
Having has a spiritual awakening
as the result of these steps
we forget about the still suffering alky
because we are feeling well
all the promises have come true
you know how to work it now
in all you affairs
and know you make your own misery
when you dont
it doesnt say
forget about the newcomer

does it?


Repeat until you stop breathing

Monday, October 27, 2008

i've moved, I am moved!! - Firefly carry a light within

its been interesting
and I now have neighbouurs
who know my name
who knock on my door
who have helped me already
who have confronted me with a garden issue
who hold resentment about previous owner
and now possibly me!
anyway I have to confront an issue
take appropriate action
I have to remember other people are sick too...
other people dont like change either
and need extra patience and tolerence
though at the same time
I dont have to be a victim
nor aggressor
step 3 and prayer...

I cant believe
how friendly EVERYONE is...
people smile
even the cats smile
shops, street, station, on the beach
people say hello

and I still
have another day off!!
well if you can call it off

i've been out on my bike
down to the beach
my skin feels so smooth on my face
fresh air

I keep thinking I may have gone deaf
its so quiet
the field behind me is HUGE!

dealing with people
on the phone and face to face
takes effort paytience and tolerence
and courage

my Dad and his girlfriend
have really helped LOADS
not doing it alone
yeh I made decisions
but theyve had experience
over and over...
and she REALLY knows how to clean an OVEN!!
now thats priceless!
her telephone number is..... haha!

I am really glad they were here
and I am REALLY glad they have gone!!

ok first night tonight
on my own
its all feeling ok :)
very good in fact

and I am missing routine!
now thats a scary admission... haha

Grand Drive - Firefly
carry a light within
open your eyes and see the morning in
see the morning in

She had hundreds of stickers on her wall
made to look like stars
and she'd sit and she'd wish upon them all
to the sound of passing cars

and every single day that passed
without a wish come in
she'd peel another star from off the wall
with every wish that came and went
her sky would grow more dim
until she sat in darkness all alone

carry a light within
open your eyes and see the morning in
see the morning in
see the morning in

She had hundreds of miles behind her now
the sun just coming in
she was keeping a promise to herself
searching the real thing

When she saw the stars that night
she couldnt believe her eyes
she felt like someone new...
she never thought they'd shine so bright
and then she realised that EVERY wish
she made had just come true...

Firefly carry a light within
carry a light within
open your eyes and see the morning in
see the morning in
see the morning in

Dont quit before the miracle
The darkest hour is before the dawn
However dark it seems
Trust the steps
trust God
and go to any lengths
See the morning in..

Thank you God

Saturday, October 18, 2008

6 more sleeps....

then i move
boxing up all my stuff
I thought I had done loads already
seems to justr keep finding stuff!!
and very little rubbish
I have thrown loads away
over the last year or so!!
thank goodness

I have no idea
when I am going to study
I have no idea
I am just keeping going until
i need to sleep!!
eating and sleeping and praying
and boxing

Moral dilemm over
I have bought a new toilet seat
I will enjoy it
for the next few days...

you know I try and not
get excited about my dad
helping out
because its just so rare
but I felt like a turning point
when they offered
now he cut the days down by one today
I feel happy he's helping atall
kind of a miracle
although I cant deny my disappointment
that its so short
however from what he said today
they will come armed with
toolbox and rubber gloves
they will come again for a long weekend
when I next take some time off...
this is not something I normally do
take long weekends unless I go away
perhaps times are a changing
perhaps.. i dunno
ok, back to today
back to my boxes

3 friends have had babies this year
all gifts of recovery
its lovely

have a great rest of weekend
whatever you do

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Step Seven - broke my sulk! choice sulk or practice humility

I was reading step 7 in 12 x 12 last night
and realised I have been sulking
and blaming someone
for my financial insicurity
yes yes I have lots of justifyable reasons
why Its not fair
but the truth is
I am the miserable one and I am creating
and atmosphere because
of my attitude
I am in a situation where
I continue to continue sulking
OR have faith that Gods plan for me will
not club me to death at the beach
I have no idea
what He thinks or whats in store
but so far
he's been good to me
VERY good in fact brilliant

So by the time I re-read 12 x 12 step 7
this morning at 6.30am
to do a chair at early meeting...
getting up was not such a challenge this time
I already knew
practicing humility
and trusting that its all
really happening the way it should be
and its time that i let go of this
selfish, self seeking, selfcenteredness, sulking
and self will in predicting that
I know this thing is a DELIBERATE attempt
to sabotage my pleasure ... err know I dont know this
in fact I know the circumstances
and its not true, its a desperate measure taken by someone
which has nothing to do with me ATALL
so I should mind my own business
and get on with whats in front of me
my job is to be of maximum helpfulness
whether I think or not
so my sulk was broken
managed to go shopping before work
and get there on time
and feel good
today was a good day

Moving happening
taking steps
get things transferred on correct days
accepting not everything has to be done
on exactly that day
first things first!
phone broadband railfare tv licence
re direct mail and a couple of other things
the rest can wait abit longer...
Progress not perfection

Heres my moral dilemma for today...
I am moving in 10 days time
The hinge came loose on your toilet seat
a week ago
and even though I have "fixed" it
its not going to hold!
would you
a) buy a new one
b) tell her and offer to pay a contribution to a new one
and let her choose
c) leave the lid down with a "post-it" note on the underside
saying,sorry and becareful!
d) bodge it and not sit down on it for 10 days, say nothing
knowing its going to bug your conscience for the next 10 days
and make your life unmanageable...!

I will leave you with that one
while I remain
"impaled on the horns of a young dilemma"
Quote by Stephen Fry
a little longer

Sunday, October 12, 2008

It's happening as its meant to be - and it feels ok - continue to continue

Turn up and do my job
the way I have alwasy done my job
it was acceptable 2 weeks ago
and I have been given no instructions
to change what I am doing
or that it needs changing
a rude comment spoken to me about me
in an attempt to justify
a change being forced upon someone else
is no reason for me to believe it
which proves that other people are sick too
thank goodness I have
step 10's
understand restraint of tongue and pen
and that prayer works!
continue to continue being myself
its enough
I feel a review is required
of my performance
and relationships
a frank discussion
see exactly whats happening
from their point of view
rather that simply from mine
thats what reviews are for!

Contracts should exchange tomorrow
and a moving date will be set
I have prayed like heaven on this
to make sure its Gods will not mine
and I have not heard otherwise
so I will continue to continue
inspite of work stuff (above)
I feel like this is separate
security or no security
is no reason not put fear above Gods Will
too long story to write here
and it wouldnt help
I just feel this strength that
its going to be ok, brilliant infact
and the recent events which are
continuing, would continue
even if I stayed where I am
so I am moving!
Seaside here WE come!
thats you and me
your ALL coming with me!
if you fancy it :)

yeh really happy
1 subject clear as mud
and I have no idea why I am doing it!
blind frikkin faith required or what!
the other 2 are continuing to continue
from last semester part 2's
and i am enjoying them :)


Dad having an op... fixable old man stuff YAY!!
Me - awaiting referal for physio
Me getting fatter... not enough excersize
sometimes feel like I am overdoing it
body and head starts shutting down

feeling ok, stronger than last Monday
being controlled by some strong
Class A meditation & prayer
series of serious nightmares while sleeping
random and frequent
rather like a series of short plays
so much change for my mind to process

Strong, with fear, strong, with fear, strong

Sense of Humour
Still present, With delay at times
sometimes refusing to come out
sometimes humour needs to be obvious or i dont get it
at times mine can verge on sarcasm.. needs watching

is there anything wrong?
doesnt look like it

Back to studying
the impending doom
is all in my mind
self will run riot
and if things dont go to plan
then we make another one
for richer for poorer
for better for worse
in sickness and in health
I will do Thy will always

see ya!

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Self Restraint - Daily Reflection

Daily reflections Blog

Our first objective will be the development of self-restraint.TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 91

My drive to work provides me with an opportunity for self-examination. One day while making this trip, I began to review my progress in sobriety, and was not happy with what I saw. I hoped that, as the work day progressed, I would forget these troublesome thoughts, but as one disappointment after another kept coming, my discontent only increased, and the pressures within me kept mounting.

I retreated to an isolated table in the lounge, and asked myself how I could make the most of the rest of the day. In the past, when things went wrong, I instinctively wanted to fight back. But during the short time I had been trying to live the A.A. program I had learned to step back and take a look at myself. I recognized that, although I was not the person I wanted to be, I had learned to not react in my old ways. Those old patterns of behavior only brought sorrow and hurt, to me and to others. I returned to my work station, determined to make the day a productive one, thanking God for the chance to make progress that day.

AA Daily Reflections Book

Thursday, October 09, 2008

Paulo Coelho - The fourth cardinal virtue: Wisdom

The warrior of Light - Issue 182

The fourth cardinal virtue: Wisdom

According to the dictionary: deep knowledge of things, natural or acquired; erudition; rectitude.

According to the New Testament: For God’s folly is beyond the wisdom of men, and God’s weakness is beyond their strength. For consider, brothers, what happened when God called you. Not many of you were what men call wise, not many of you were influential, not many were of high birth. But it was what the world calls foolish that God chose to put the wise to shame with, and it was what the world calls weak that God chose to shame its strength with (Corinthians 1: 25-27).

According to Islam: A wise man arrived at the village of Akbar and the people lent no importance to him. Except for a small group of young people, the wise man was of no interest to anyone; on the contrary, he became a object of irony for the inhabitants of the city. One day he was walking down the main street with some of his disciples when a group of men and women began to insult him. The wise man went up to them and blessed them.
When they left, one of the disciples remarked: “They say terrible things, and you answer them with nice words.”
And the wise man replied: “Each one of us can only offer what he has.”

According to the Hassidic (Jewish) tradition: When Moses ascended to Heaven to write a certain part of the Bible, the Almighty asked him to place small crowns on some letters of the Torah. Moses said: "Master of the Universe, why draw these crowns?" God answered: "Because one hundred generations from now a man called Akiva will interpret them."
"Show me this man’s interpretation," asked Moses.
The Lord took him to the future and put him in one of Rabbi Akiva’s classes. One pupil asked: “Rabbi, why are these crowns drawn on top of some letters?”
"I don’t know." Replied Akiva. "And I am sure that not even Moses knew. He did this only to teach us that even without understanding everything the Lord does, we can trust in his wisdom."

In the animal kingdom: The centipede decided to ask the wise man of the forest, a monkey, the best remedy for the pain in his legs.
"That’s rheumatism,” said the monkey. “You have too many legs.”
"And what do I have to do to have just two legs?"
"Don’t bother me with details," answered the monkey. "A wise man just gives the best advice; you have to solve the problem."

A scene that I witnessed in 1997: Hoping to impress his master, a student of the occult whom I know read some manuals on magic and decided to buy the materials mentioned in the texts. With considerable difficulty he managed to find a certain type of incense, some talismans, a wooden structure with sacred characters written in an established order. When we were having breakfast together with his master, the latter commented:
“Do you believe that by rolling computer wires around your neck you will acquire the efficiency of the machine? Do you believe that by buying hats and sophisticate clothes you will also acquire the good taste and sophistication of those who made them? Objects can be your allies, but they do not contain any type of wisdom. First practice devotion and discipline, and everything else will come to you later.”
Before Alexander: The Greek philosopher Anaximenes (400 A.C.) approached Alexander the Great to try to save his city.
“I received you because I know that you are a wise man. But you have my word as king that I shall never accept what you have come to ask me,” said the powerful warrior to his generals.
“I just came to ask you to destroy my city,” replied Anaximenes. And in this way the city was saved.

(next Warrior of Light Online Justice)

And heres Warrior of Light
The second Cardinal Virtue: Hope
(I forgot)

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Resentment is the No 1 offender - we have a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenence!

Tuesday was a better day
still very unpleasant and unsettling things happening
however TUESDAY
resentment still there
though I was not so trapped to imploding point
that I was Monday
I felt freer from fear and anger
and felt love, compasion and patience
towards the person
I felt it
though the resentment
the situation was the same
if anything some may say ... worse!

Today, I just got on with my whats in front of me
and had moving stuff to contend with!

You know what I did
got home and

Read step 3
actually I listened to it 3 times on ipod
why 3 times?
because it took that long for me to hear
what was being said
the first two times
I was listening
but thinking about the other person
my play/drama... all the actors
and situation still
the 3rd time
It penetrated! yay!

take MY inventory
Pray step 7, 3
and these VERY important prayers
let go and let God

I will

What it is that I am doing?
I am trying to run the show
even though I am virtuous
is not working!
and the result if confusion
not harmony
God is my employer
I am his agent!

I must keep My side of the street clean
I must keep My side of the street clean
I must keep My side of the street clean
I must keep My side of the street clean
I must keep My side of the street clean
I must keep My side of the street clean
I must keep My side of the street clean
I must keep My side of the street clean
I must keep My side of the street clean
I must keep My side of the street clean
I must keep My side of the street clean
I must keep My side of the street clean


Praying for guidance around moving
no signs to tell me not to
inspite of much insecurity
I am continuing
at critical point in next few days
praying like f*ck around everything
prevents me
slapping my colleagues round the head
with my mouse on a daily basis
and has done for a while now
so you will NEVER persuade me
that prayer doesnt work

Uni... really really really
pleased to be back
2 continuing subjects and one new
the one new subject is as clear as MUD!
but then they all were at the beginning of each
semester last year
so I have no fear! simply acceptance..
frustration and spiritual pride!
(I should know more than this!!)

Going to bed! see ya

Enjoy... one day I want to see
the Northern Lights!
nature it is creative and beautiful
Gods own paint canvess
celestial palette!

Monday, October 06, 2008

Asked for help - solution is

Read step 3
take MY inventory
let go and let God

I will

What it is that I am doing?
I am trying to run the show
even though I am virtuous
is not working!
and the result if confusion
not harmony
God is my employer
I am his agent!

I must keep My side of the street clean
I must keep My side of the street clean
I must keep My side of the street clean
I must keep My side of the street clean
I must keep My side of the street clean
I must keep My side of the street clean
I must keep My side of the street clean
I must keep My side of the street clean
I must keep My side of the street clean
I must keep My side of the street clean
I must keep My side of the street clean
I must keep My side of the street clean

Sunday, October 05, 2008

When I am angry with or THINKING what appears to be non stop about someone

this is what I read and say out loud, and repeat the prayer outloud/in private/under my breath/in silence... it doesnt matter.. I do it until I feel better!
its amazing what you can learn off by heart
off by heart... :)

See page 66/67 Big Book

To conclude that other people are wrong was as far as most of us ever got. The usual outcome was that people continued to wrong us and we stayed sore. Sometimes it was remorse and then we were sore at ourselves. But the more we fought and tried to have our own way, the worse matters got. As in war, the victor only seemed to win. Our moments of triumph were short-lived.

It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feeling we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die.

Heres the important bit! Amended because I am saying it
If I am to live, I have to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm are not things for me!. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics these things are poison.

I turned back to the resentment, for it held the key to the future. I MUST be prepared to look for it from an entirely different angle. I must be willing to see that the world and its people really dominated us. In that state, the wrong-doing of others, fancied or real, had power to actually kill ME. How could we escape? We saw that these resentments must be mastered, but how? We could not wish them away any more than alcohol.

Here's how i pray it.. This was our course: "God I realise that Fred is perhaps spiritually sick. Though I dont like Freds symptoms and the way these disturbed me, Fred, like me, is sick too"
"God to help me to show Fred the same tolerance, pity, and patience that I would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When Fred offends me, help me say to myself, "This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done."

"Help me to avoid retaliation or argument. I wouldn´t treat sick people that way. If I do, I will destroy my chance of being helpful. I cannot be helpful to all people, but at least God show me how to take a kindly and tolerant view of each and every one"

repeat through the day, everyday until the resentment has gone!
as with anything, when I am IN IT
i think I will be praying forever
and yes in somecases
I have to revisit the prayer
more often that I would like

I use it on ANYONE
who is sitting rent free in my head
for longer than I would like
how long is that?
when my life starts to become unmanageable
when I am thinking about them instead of doing whats in front of me
when my problems begin to pile up on them and
appear to become astonishingly difficult to solve
thats when.. doesnt have to be anger
can be jealous, envious, fearful, lustful, angry
towards the person

Yeh you try studying when you have someone
in your head that you dont want there!
and then I try and blame them for
wasting my study time!?
insane huh...
yep if I dont do anything about it
or think I am the only one!
thats insane :)

You be amazed how quickly I can say the prayer
it takes seconds! but it works
I do it earnestly, desparately
and I really want it to work

It works-it really does P88

Saturday, October 04, 2008

Thursday, October 02, 2008

Leaning on the fellowship!! not an individual - GOD group of "ex" drunks

Kathy said "okay, here's a thought..maybe the financial issues you are facing are the financial solution.. "

You know
this could be
could be not!

but you know it makes me feel alot better
when someone
Makes me look at my stuff
from an entirely different angle P66
with just a few words!
thank you Kathy!! x
I learn from everyone... and everything

Brings to mind
rejection is Gods protection
and my experience I say it as
Rejection is ALWAYS Gods protection

Also some story IFOBW gave me
about a horse and a boy that went to war
or had an accident or something
and a farm or something like that
when everything seemed to happen
and people though it was for the worst
and then someone always said
after each "disaster" thing
could be could be not!
I am sure she will elaborate
when she has time?

Its true
who the heck am I to say
the futures bleak
and this is a stumbling block?

Who am I to say that Gods plan
Sober me up and get me TO THE BEACH
and then club me to death!

Who am I to put money above my faith?

Frikkin' ell
Thanks for the reality check my fiends!

Someone said to me today
that everythings doable
and its ok to freak out abit and go ouch!
its hurting but I am doing it...
its true.. I had just forgotten it applies to me
and by saying it doesnt mean I am giving up
well I am I am giving up, letting go of PRIDE
it means I am surrendering to win!

Also I have been walking round with
my eyes down, in my own world
and forgotten there are people around
me that love and care and love my sense of humour
I was asked today why I wasnt myself...
I asked them what myself is.. not in a confrontational way
she said fun and lovely to be around at work..
now thats kinda nice huh
And she said yeh here we are, you just need to look up
and you'll see us...

Amazing... she's only known me a little while
and I hardly spoken to her much
and we work on different ends of office
hows she get that insight into me already?

God knows! but I like it!
Worker amongst worker

A look at the alcoholic in your organization is many times illuminating. Is he not usually brilliant, fast-thinking, imaginative and likable? When sober, does he not work hard and have a knack of getting things done? P139 P140

You know I did the prayers
I did the inventory
I am keeping my mouth shut
I am praying for people through the day as they come up!
and today was a good day
circumstances ALL the same
I am different...

God grant me the courage
to notice and accept the things I cannot change
to continue to change the things I can (me)
and continue to provide me with wisdom to know the difference
when you feel like it...
thanks x

ps just watched yesterdays post
youtube and it reminded me
I need a haircut!

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

You dont always get what you want... you get what you need

Good news
Blood tests all fine
Good news
further referral for physio
keep taking the tablets for now
try lower dose
see how the symptoms are...then

Bad news
at work

Good news
Back at Uni
and i feel a REAL sense of relief
that 3 nights a week
unless the uni falls down
I attend lectures
and take part
follow instructions
a certain amount of security and .. control

Keep it in the day
I am going to take inventory
pray for all the defects to be removed
and pray for fear around money to be removed
pray to keep my mouth shut
and accept that
its ultimately the market thats done it
not the indivuidual
see as I say that I can come up with a reason
why its the individual's fault
and I would be right
... but does right make me happy? Nope
then I have to shut up, let go and pray!

Bottom line

I have a job I can do and like
I have fixable health
Uni near work
hospital near work
needs not wants

Pray tonight for care and guidance
love and tolerence
and to be reminded that
there are VERY many people I work with
feeling financial insecurity
just like me
AND harder!
but as usual I compare my insides
with their outsides!
and feel like I am the only one

You cant always get what you want
You cant always get what you want
you cant always get what you
but if you try sometimes
you might find....
you get what you need

Courage is to take a step forward into an area of difficulty without a solution in mind, but yet feeling that victory is ahead. It is going empty handed, but knowing that God's hand is stretched out to pull you.

Here I am! No financial solution

Tell me when its time!