Saturday, August 30, 2008

Step 3 is required...

What usually happens? The show doesn´t come off very well. He begins to think life doesn´t treat him right. He decides to exert himself more. He becomes, on the next occasion, still more demanding or gracious, as the case may be. Still the play does not suit him. Admitting he may be somewhat at fault, he is sure that other people are more to blame. He becomes angry, indignant, self-pitying. What is his basic trouble? Is he not really a self-seeker even when trying to be kind? Is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well? Is it not evident to all the rest of the players that these are the things he wants? And do not his actions make each of them wish to retaliate, snatching all they can get out of the show? Is he not, even in his best moments, a producer of confusion rather than harmony? P61

This week
Financial insecurity
and a feeling like
what was is not working
therefor do not delay
and do something
about it NOW

Obviously self will says
well I am not doing anything
until I know
exactly how it will be
when I have done it
and pain & risk limitation
has been reduced to a minimum

Faith says
enough now
no need to know
do the right thing
not driven by fear
and self will
pray for patience and tolerence
pray for fear to be removed
pray for faith
pray for restraint of tongue and pen
pray for willingness
you will be ok
trust me!

House move is ticking along
ok this week

I am just realising that
a "relationship"
is just not working
the boundaries have changed
and the attraction
and motives at the beginning
have changed
dynamics etc
why am I staying in it?
financial security will
be jeapodised if I am out of it
I dont know what will happen
and I dont know if I will be able to cope
and I dont like pain
and I dont like to not know
what will people think of me if it goes wrong
what if
what if
what if
all familiar fearful
stuff that comes up in my step 10's
over and over!!

So I tried to change
other relationships
which are working
instead of addressing the one
which isnt...
get it?

therefore being the actor
who tries to control
the show
I am bringing confusion
all around
especially in my own head

More prayers

Monday, August 25, 2008

Humbled by the extraordinariness that my life is - compared to what it was

my efforts - willingness
and its/his Power
create the extraordinary
I feel humble
and grateful to be
within the realm of the King of Goodliness

Matt Redman - Facedown

Someone once said to me
God wants his family back
like a father

today my Dad
offered to come and help with my house move
this is extraordinary!
and yet to many it will not appear that way

See God had created what to
many will seem ordinary
ordinary life
ordinary experiences
but to me
it feels very special
its worked for
with good motives

a few days ago
I said marriage and kids
may make my life perfect
I think
having my dad in my life
is more important today
I had accepted that the distant
and muted life we share.. was it
and I pray for them both often
restraint and tolerence and patience
and love
and see... what happens

perhaps they just didnt like where I live
and have been wishing for
me in the same way for not changing
and they having to accept my ways...
excersizing their own restraint
tolerence patience and love

somehow without argument...
excersizing live and let live
and giving time time
we may have finally found some middle ground
geographically speaking

6 out of the last 7 working days
I have arrived early
at work...
I dropped off the early meetings
wed/thursday/friday last week
wed/thurs still got in early
but it was a struggle
Friday, I was well late!!
proves to me yet again
I cant do this on my own
I revert back...
today I did some shopping
in between the meeting and work
and still arrived early
now thats what I call
a flippin miracle!

Knowing Gods will is not enough - action is required to carry it out

First Step
We tend to see things not as they are but as we are.
Becoming quiet and simple inside is a first step to seeing things truly.

From Inner Space

yes the bus outside has squeaky brakes and its annoying me
no the bus outside has squeaky brakes regardless
of whether I am here or not
its not doing it to annoy me
everyone in the vicinity can also hear it
its not personal

yes The forms I am filling in
are really tedious and hard to sit and do
no the forms are standard forms
they are not tedious and hard
because they are not a familiar activity to me
they are just forms
silent pieces of paper with printing on them
not dangerous or emotionally disturbing
everyone fills them going through this process
its not personal

yes people will judge me
question me
say things which I see to be untrue
in relation to me which I take as critic
not accepting
not encouraging

regarding the bus
well ear plugs
or just tune out like i do mostly

regarding the forms
start at the beginning and fill them
in step by step
then send them off
its part of the process

regarding people
its not personal!
its just their perception
of how I appear to them
I do it too
judge others
not react enthusiastic
sometimes, while things get processed
in my head
I must do... I am human
like you

self will... self centredness
I dont want things to be how they are
these things a deliberatly meant/sent
to try me
its all too hard...
I dont want to...
I cant..
all dishonest

see I dont have to do any of this!
we make our own misery
or we can see it as the character building stuff
that following things through
being responsible carries
which ultimately leads to the joys
and freedom

And Acceptance is the answer
This is where will power is required
inorder to follow through to Gods will
it doesnt say
get the promises and then
keep taking inventory
keep praying for forgiveness
and intuition
and then do nothing with it
does it?
nah once you know
its more action!
step 12 action inside and outside the room

It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God’s will into all of our activities. “How can I best serve Thee-Thy will (not mine) be done.” These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our will power along this line all we wish. It is the proper use of the will.

Much has already been said about receiving strength, inspiration, and direction from Him who has all knowledge and power. If we have carefully followed directions, we have begun to sense the flow of His Spirit into us. To some extent we have become God-conscious. We have begun to develop this vital sixth sense. But we must go further and that means more action.P85

On awakening let us think about the twenty-four hours ahead. We consider our plans for the day. Before we begin, we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives. Under these conditions we can employ our mental faculties with assurance, for after all God gave us brains to use. Our thought-life will be placed on a much higher plane when our thinking is cleared of wrong motives.p86

We alcoholics are undisciplined. So we let God discipline us in the simple way we have just outlined. But this is not all. There is action and more action. “Faith without works is dead.” P88

Sunday, August 24, 2008

We are sure God wants us to be happy, joyous, and free.P133

I am coming to realise
that people do not understand
how the heck I am like I am
thats AA's and not AA's
its pretty frustrating
at times
when all i do
is ask God what he wants me to do next
listen and then do
sometimes its absurd
sometimes it isnt
I take action
the doors shut by themselves
when its not Gods will

There is oly certain people
I can say to
Moving somewhere
because God gave me the idea...
sounds pretty absurd
but its true
I have put in the action
the doors are just opening
so far!

Finding peace and help the stil suffering alky..
its enough for now!

Its about looking outside the
restricting view of life
I can have so easily
I can live anywhere
do anything
if i put the work in
So many people
walki around feeling like
spiritial life and or religion is the way forward
and for some it is
i do not agree that either has to be a life
of suffering
I feel like I have already
been to hell and am now in heaven
simply by following the dictates
or rather the firm direction
of a loving higher power

Recently I have been reading about Jesus
and I am learning to love this man
in a way I never have before
and it seems hard for a few Christian friends
of mine to understand
that I can and do live the spiritual life
and am learning to love this Jesus
and grateful for what he did
and gave us
yet I do not feel the need to turn my will and life
over to Jesus
its God I have
its only the Christians
that turn around and say
well God is Jesus
like i really want to argue
this guy may well have come to save us
and for that I am grateful
but if he is also God
why do i need to turn over to JC
its not appealing yet!
and a few friends without releigion
think I am a Christian
they say no-one but Christians
dont drink, smoke, remain celibate
and dont eat meat
yet I know quite a few Christian
that abstain from none of the above

God gives me what I need
and indirectly
God bless
Christians, Jews, Buddhists
and those like me
that just call him God
and try
keep it simple

Get behind me satan
to the suffering inside and outside the rooms
that find fault in the happy joyous freedom
I am receiving from
what appears to be practicing the principles
given to me by AA and God
and want to label me
into something
that I dont feel to be true
A few people outside of AA
just do not get it
and neither do I
but I do it anyway

Its amazing how many people
find fault in what is good
before accepting the good
and saying fantastic!
some people dont say anything
like I just said I have cancer...
extraordinary, disbelieving
but its true
it it just keeps coming

it doesnt say
God wants us happy joyeous and free
just the once
and if you miss it its too late
or you can have it once and then resume
the suffering and frustration
does it?

I have my dark moments
as you know
however I was never promised perfection
I DO however experience perfection
for moments
and just like the darkest times
perfection also passes :)
see even that people find hard to accept

Am I the only person
who can admit to acheiving/receiving
at times perfection?
Life does really get better and better
yes it will plateau off
and then resume upwards towards
perfection that is God

yes I worried yesterday
I am nearing the end of my dreams
perhaps I am gonna die soon then!?

When someone asks you how would that be?
have you ever replied Perfect

Engaging and interacting
with all walks of life
and actually talking
has its downsides!
yep I have to listen to responses!!
Family, Friends, fellows, workmates
all react in different ways
its interesting
and challenging

ok, I have some prayers to do
this is all too hard on my own
and i'll end up resenting everyone and everything
including myself
rejecting the world
and staying in lonely and isolated
like the ... good old days haha

Know God will help me embrace it all
standing up looking straight ahead

Know God
Know Peace

We are sure God wants us to be happy, joyous, and free. We cannot subscribe to the belief that this life is a vale of tears, though it once was just that for many of us. But it is clear that we made our own misery. God didn’t do it. Avoid then, the deliberate manufacture of misery, but if trouble comes, cheerfully capitalize it as an opportunity to demonstrate His omnipotence.P133

Remind the prospect that his recovery is not dependent upon people. It is dependent upon his relationship with God.p99,100

Contentment is a great strength. It comes when a person lives in honesty and simplicity. Contentment means we have overcome useless desires. It is said that you can discern a person's truth from their level of contentment.

From Inner Space

Contentment is a great strength.
I suppose I havent really though of it as a strength
except if i think of how it would be to be
restless irritable & DIS contented. xxvi THE DOCTOR'S OPINION
then I feel less than
unworthy, paranoid
weak not strong

It comes when a person lives in honesty and simplicity.
to thine own self be true
rigorous honesty
to be honest
of the present
what I have or haven't
who I am and am not
how it is and is not
happy not necessarily right
keeping it simple
the truth
keeping it real

Contentment means we have overcome useless desires.
me living it not expecting you to live it
and me experience it
no fantasy
not predicting
not assuming
not attachment
not the holding onto the past
nor the future
not grasping for people or things
not fixing
not sulking
not expecting
not waiting for
not dying for
not living for
not giving up
not keeping hold of
its letting go

It is said that you can discern a person's truth from their level of contentment.
To this I say
only if they show you themselves
their perfectness and their imperfectness
and even then, even if
it could all change within
30 minutes!
thats my view of what contentment looks like
and theirs!
I say this because when I hold back
when through fear, pride and arrogance
its felt
and my apparant contentment
which seemed so attractive
can falter within seconds
and appear false!

I cant see or feel your insides
on what your outsides look like!
or purely on what you choose to show me
when the two do not appear as one
ie no apparant admission of virtues
nor apparant admission of defects
it is not attractive
spiritual or honest
infact its unattractive
I say this because when I hold back
when through fear, pride and arrogance
its felt
and what i feel at any given moment
is not necessarily when you see and feel
at the same moment
there is sometimes a time difference

I am really seeing how
fear, pride and jealousy
prevent people from
showing their imperfect selves
and they disappear
to another circle
in an avoidance
of someone finding out
who they really are
or taking responsibility
maintaining a relationship
at any level takes effort
to say I am jealous...
and to continue to stick around
takes effort and courage
to say I am scared of whats going on
takes effort and courage
and yet others come right out and say
stuff without fear of anything
people myself included
continue to suprise me...
I say this because when I hold back
when through fear, pride and arrogance
its felt

Am I being judgemental?
Am I learning about
normal human behaviour
of the non alky and the alky?
Do I behave the same way?
yes I have done
can/will do again no doubt

Its interesting though
How fear of rejection
fear of what some one will think of me
fear of being alone (no friends!)
prevents me from leaving someone alone
saying no
what is my definition of what a friend is anyway?
is it just another one of my old ideas
I MUST let go of
in order to
experience contentment?
is it just a cunning part of the mental
that grows neediness and loneliness?
and discontentment...
yes i know this to be!
and yet at the same time
humans naturally
need other humans
rejection of self and others
grows neediness and loneliness
in self and others

Speaking purely with God
is not enough
What God gives me
is always enough
People places and things
including me
are channels
for/of Gods work
and the message

Both you and the new man must walk day by day in the path of spiritual progress. If you persist, remarkable things will happen. When we look back, we realize that the things which came to us when we put ourselves in God’s hands were better than anything we could have planned. Follow the dictates of a Higher Power and you will presently live in a new and wonderful world, no matter what your present circumstances!p100

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

The first cardinal virtue: Faith by Paulo Coelho - followed by my stuff

Received from Warrior of Light
Issue 179

The first cardinal virtue: Faith

First we spoke in this space of the seven capital sins. The series enjoyed a wide repercussion among readers, which made me very happy. But what about the seven cardinal virtues?

The sins come before the virtues. As a wise man said, he who has not sinned has no merit in his virtue – because he has not overcome any temptation. Most holy men of any religion generally lead a dissolute or apathetic life before they dedicate themselves to the spiritual quest.

So, since the series on sins has come to an end, and following the logic of the path of Light, we shall dedicate the next columns to the seven cardinal virtues, beginning with Faith. They are derived from the sum of three theological virtues, plus another four based on Plato which were adapted by Saint Augustine and Saint Thomas Aquinas (there are many divergences regarding the four complementary virtues, so I have decided to choose the more conventional list).

According to the dictionary: from the Latin word fide: confidence; religious belief; conviction with regard to someone or something; firmness in fulfilling a commitment; credit; intention; theological virtue.

According to Jesus Christ: The apostles said to the Lord, “Give us more faith.” And the Lord said: “If your faith is as big as a mustard seed, you could have said to this mulberry tree, ‘Be pulled up by the roots and planted in the sea,’ and it would have obeyed you!” (Luke, 17: 5-6)

According to Buddhism: "We are what we think. Through thought we build and destroy the world.

“We are what we think. Your imagination can do more harm than your worst enemy.

“But once you control your thoughts, no-one can help you so much, not even your father or your mother." (Extract from Dhammapada, a collection of some of Buddha’s principal teachings)

For Islam: "How do we purify the world?" asked a disciple.

Ibn al-Husayn replied: "There was a sheik in Damascus called Abu Musa al-Qumasi. Everyone honored him for his wisdom, but no-one knew if he was a good man. One afternoon a flaw in construction caused the house where the sheik lived with his wife to fall down. In despair, the neighbors began to dig among the ruins. After a while they managed to locate the wife.

"She said: ‘Leave me. First save my husband, who was sitting more or less over there.’ The neighbors removed the debris from the place she had pointed to and found the sheik, who said: ‘Leave me. First save my wife, who was lying down more or less over there.’

"When someone acts like this couple, they are purifying the whole world through their faith in life and love."

The faith of denying reality: “One year ago I gave a speech in an aircraft-carrier saying that we had succeeded in reaching an important objective, accomplishing a mission, which was to remove Saddam Hussein from power. As a result, there are no more torture chambers, no more mass graves.” (George W. Bush, 30 April 2004. In the same month, the world was to see the photos of torturing in the Abu Graib prison, and the collective executions of the civil war between Shiites and Sunites continue up to the moment I write this column).

According to Rabbi Nachman of Bratzlava: A disciple sought out the rabbi and said: "I can’t manage to talk to God." "That often happens," replied Nachman. "We feel that our mouth is sealed, or that the words just don’t come out. However, the mere fact of making an effort to overcome this situation is in itself a beneficial attitude.”

"But it isn’t enough."

“You’re right. At such times, what you should do is look up at the sky and say: ‘Lord Almighty, I am so far from You that I can’t even believe my own voice.’ Because the truth is that the Lord always hears and answers. It is we who do not manage to talk, for fear that He will pay no attention to us."

My stuff
Today I am 5 years sober
I am because of All that is
You the Great You
Thank You

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Moving - its for real!!

I accepted an offer on my flat today
and got offer accepted on house
which ny heart moved to yesterday evening!

Its funny (well not really!)
yesterday I did very little praying through the day
and ran along on experience & knowledge
and got pretty anxious at times

spoke to my brother
and he told me straight
and put this in perspective
we only have one life
as a human anyway
who knows what I might come back as
aswell as a few other more practical things...
like if its what you want and you can afford it
then just do it!

I called up a mate who
I know used to be an estate agent
and blahed at her...
she empathised and said
yep play the game
you have to play the bidding game
and then just hand it over...
she had just been to a step 3 meeting
frik! it never entered my head step 3
I prayed but not on this
not before every phone call
before everything
like I seem to so often these days
its like in hurry and indecision
i forgot! hit a blank spot
self will run riot
I love my fellowship friends, sponsors whatever
seem to know when to chuck things in
i like that
in fact I love it!
sometimes I just need telling
yes you are a tw*t, now step 3 anyway!

Today I prayed before EVERY phone call
every thing I did
and its all been agreed in one day
a miracle or what!?

So I am moving to the coast
house with 2 gardens
bedroom windows that I can leave open at night
doors that lead into garden
fields nearby
swans and ducks on the lakes close by
oh yeh
and the sea with sandy/pebble beach just a short walk

finalise my moving over my mortgage tomorrow
so not out of the water yet!
although nearly there...

Went to next physio apt after work
arm and shoulder movement improving
the excersizes she gave me are working
and following her suggestions
regarding what not to do!

and went and did chair at home group
I dunno
and this morning got to work on time
and there was a newcomer at mtg very 1st one!

and I got home and a cheque on mat
could life really get better?

The only things I havent got
are marriage and kids!
well at my age its possible
God I will try and leave this one
entirely in your hands!
if you want to give me that aswell
well whatever

If I die in the night
make sure they know
I am VERY happy

I am 4 years 364days sober
and very grateful
good night

Mondays stuff

Alarm went off 5.30
I snoozed it, til 6.50
Then nearly gave up cos I now would be late
Err late for what?
Late for the meeting of course...
So theres no point in going is there
Can you see how my heads going?
Talking me out of antythung
Dragged myself out of bed at 6.15
Stressing I would be late
Feeling the same physical chest pains
Cant breathe properly
Whats this? Like a panic attack? I dunno?
I get this every day pretty much..
Week days
An now I am feeling it, just about going to a meeting
More about NOT getting to the meeting ate
See now I see how really sick I am!...
Afraid of being late for a meeting...

See last week
I realised that I have to change my attitude before anything will change
And I see that praying and willingness is just now enough
Doing the chair last week at the early meeting
It was effortless getting there
See I was giving, I had a purpose
That was not about money or ego
Over the weekend, I sat in meetings
Where I am looking to move to and realised that
Its time for me to take/receive again from our
Huge loving fellowship
Receive unconditionally
Friendship in the new area, stability
5 years sobriety... means nothing
On this portion of my life
I need help i a different way to early recovery
But the meetingas and fellowship
Will do for me what I cant do for myself
In the new area I am making friends already!!
And I haven’t even moved down yet!
This morning I got to the meeting about 7.45
Late! Yeh and then obsessed about whether I would get to work on time
See the dishonesty and fear... that drives me
Nowhere in my head di I say well done for getting there to myself!
Mtng finishes at 8.30 I went and got toast and was at my desk 8.45
15 mins early AGAIN...
AA and the meetings are there for me, its my turn to lean on it
I cant get to work on time
The meetings will helps me...
A Power greater than myself!

Monday, August 18, 2008

money prestige and property - Tradition 6 reminds me - beware

The house I want
I have made an offer on
and its been rejected
the one I am selling
I am at accepting price
its all rather stress full
yee haaa
I now have to come up with
another offer
and see what happens

theres a combination of Tradition 6
happening ... which warns me to be ware
the stuff that not good for the fellowship
may also be harmful to me

Money - buying and selling price
attachment to what money I have
what I think my flat is worth
what they think their house is worth
what my buyer wants to pay and what
I want to pay
or more realistically
what I dont want to pay
what I dont want to part with!

Prestige - Ego
is rather stretched and shrunked
pounded a great deal today
getting knocked back

Property - or is it peace of mind
what exactly am I buying and selling?
security - peace of mind
mine and someone elses

Frikkin bizarre
I tell you I am grateful
for the fellowship
I have been to
5 meetings in the last 4 days
not through desperation
through doing the right thing
a chair and homegroup
2 in the new town I am glad for
to meet new people and to
get grounded in between viewings
and in some spare time
it grounds me
I have to listen to someone else
the truths... basic truths
and this morning
I leaned on the fellowship
to help me to get to work on time
and it worked
I will post about it tomorrow
i am off to bed!
see ya
I am knackered
back to my old home group tomorrow night
plan a meeting in the morning aswell
see what happens!

its weird I dont feel like
i need all these meetings
yet its happening that way
so I will run with it
perhaps if I wasnt doing them
I really would be ? nuts!
sometimes its ok to take
unconditional love
is about giving and being
able to receive aswell
I think!

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Flowers and Stuff

I have been retrainting my tongue
at work... in that not
not expressing my feelings
just baring a few facts
I have recently talked feelings
and its ok sometimes
but really I dont like it..
its what many people do in the workplace
talk about life and defect driven stuff
well the stuff I blog and step 10 really
sometimes I take part for a few moments
during work time and then after
it dont sit right
a) cos the person I have told really just wants a chat with anyone
b) I dont want to talk this stuff through during work
c) its my business and open offices are not private
d) if I didnt work with them, I wouldnt be chatting with them

Anyway today, I am quiet
just getting on with it
quieter than normal someone said..
no I didnt go into it...

yeh I have some decisions to make
life changing
it will get confusing and challenging
I need to be quiet
let the mind and body and spirit
process it...
its not all about moving action
sometimes the action is to listen and quiet
draw some faith and patience

anyway, praying on stuff like
and seeing again
its not the people I am resentful at
its the situation
and its my attitude in a situation
driven by fear or selfishness or self will
or and all...
I can kid myself its the people I resent
but its actually the situation
the people vould be anyone
its the situation
and why?
Because I dont know how it will be (self will)
and through lack of faith
and feel I will not be looked after (fear)(self will)
and I will not be able to cope (self will)
same old stuff
financial insecurity
personal relations
self esteem

But you know when your getting out
living the spiritual life
this stuffs always gonna come up
same old same old
whats the alternative
convent... nah man
theres only so much praying and isolation
and listening to my own breeathing
being on the outside
is infinitely more interesting
and definitely Gods will for me
right now

doing some study reading this week
risk management
mental loafing leads to scheming!

and yes I always have a choice
turn towards or turn away

yet as I now realise
I choose to pick up the cross
or not
and if I am doing what seems to be Gods will
then I just turn up, do it and take care

just like jesus did
he was afraid and resentful
when he knew his time was nearly up
yet even with the promise of eternal life
he still cried
and yeh he too had a choice
he could have run away at any time
but he didnt
he waited around and continued to continue
keep turning up

no I dont think I am Jesus
but I do think
that when I choose to turn towards (step 3)
and continue to continue (step 6)
any lengths
then it is picking up the cross and walking
trudging into the unknown ... with faith
painful fearful faithful and grateful

I guess baby flowers if they think
like me that is...
must wonder what rain (Fear) is when they first get it
and it must hurtand be abit scary
and they think they'll be snapped
or drowned by floods, (pain) especially when your an inch high
eventually I suppose cos the other flowers
and inch high shoots just sit there (faith)
they do too and wait
and then become(grateful)
because without the rain, they would die
and not worry no matter how much rain comes!
or perhaps flowers are perfectly faithful..

God show me

Simon & Garfunkel - Flowers never bend with the rainfall

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

More 4th Dimension stuff...

Its really bizarre
we have a printer
and we have been getting emails
randomly from someones hotmail
someone on our floor
no idea what they look like
no work emails
only a random private email from hotmail

This happens about once a month
and only one comes
and obviously
its cause for chat and debate
again who it is and whether
they have sorted out their stuff
then we forget about it and her
for another month or so
chuck it in confidential waste etc
its not that important really
to any of us

yesterday we get a lead for some business
from someone from the newer part of the floor
its a one off and leads off the floor
dont come our way often
yeh,,, its her...
the unknown hotmail printerer
what the frick is going on!

why on our printer out of about 15?
and why do we get the lead
when there are about 20 others
who do the same thing
who it could have got given too?

spookey! in the 4th Dimension

Saturday, August 09, 2008

Change & no coincidences

I am changing
and I dont know what into
I giess myself
I am angry at the moment
I cant stop moaning
about my perfect life!
well others see it as perfect
and I just want shut up
and talk all at the same time!
sometimes I think PMT is a liability
and sometimes its an asset
as how I really feel about people places and things
comes out and I cant hide!
and I have the change to
take stock and change

Something weird's going on
surreal night at home group
for 3 or 4 reasons
today was unreal too
dont know whats going on
everythings changing
and staying the same at the same time

is it a full moon or something?
I dont like it when I predict something
and it happens
even if its a good thing
its like being plugged in to this God stuff
and so is a few other people
yeh we are all one
some are more in tune than others

Hand in Hand with the spirit of the universe

God you are
we is
all are and is
at the same time
And Acceptance is the answer...

Thursday, August 07, 2008

Asking for help - Getting honest - Step 6

I have bounced again
you know bouncing along the bottom
not on drinking sober drinking sober
on this mornings and nights thing
not going to bed not getting up
staying up unnecessarily
kidding myself I am enjoying
really I am metal loafing
stying in bed til its too late
then beating myself up
because I didnt go to bed
and am knackered again

I have asked a few people I know
who do have regular bedtimes
and up times
what times they do it
seems normal people on a worknight
go to bed 10ish sleep by 10.30ish
and up 7am

seems a long time to be in bed to me!
but then what do I know
they have what I want... I dont!

Feels like I need to almost go back
to the treat me like a child
go to bed and lay down at the same time
each night even if I am not tired!
and no getting up no matter what!!
retraining for something that
seems a lifetime away
or that I have not had since ... ? age 5
I am sure my parents put me to bed
at reasonable times and regular
and got me up as a young child
however I did start living in hought and fantasy
from a young age
so going to bed at any time didnt stop the head
from thinking... til all hours
thinking takes up valuable sleeping time

I am really not happy with all this
I cannot say now I am afraid
to go to work
really not really
but more often than not

I am just not going to bed
or giving any thought
to the fact that I go to work
and have a time to be there
it just doesnt seem important
I have a flippant attitude
and am playing the poor me i cant get up card
to myself and others
and its not sitting right

I am self centred
self seeking
self will run riot
and very dishonest
in this area
its true

I once was sick
and neeeded tolerence
now I am getting patience and tolerence
and i am not even trying

Why am I staying up late?
am i productive?
Do I have anything even like real to show
like watching a tv programme
or engrossed in a good book?
no not really
mentally loafing
yeh I read spiritual books or whatever
and consider it good
but I dont go to bed and read
I see going to bed as a chore
and getting up and a chore

I have heard my thoughts go...
it'll be different
..when you move
..when you have a train to catch
.. when you are near the sea
.. when you are happier

Change has to starts now...

I am bored of being me in this area
I am bored to listening to myself
I dont want to be like this in 3.5 years
I dont want to be like this
Its not how I intended it to be
and yet it is

Time to take action

Step 6 - willing to give these tools
a honest attempt on another area of my life
do I mean business?
do I want to recover from this
behaviour that
affects me mentally physically and spiritually?

God help me... please
please give me willing ness
and the power to carry it out

Monday, August 04, 2008

Happy Birthday

Today I am 41 years old
Have fun and celebrate for me
any way which you wnat!!
Grateful to have made it into my 40's
Life really has begun!

Sunday, August 03, 2008

More fun... and sun - thank you God...

Was joking friday evening that
I had asked for sun
2.30 on saturday
as thats when I planned to meet up
with friends in the park
inspite of the wet forecast
I said yeh I had had a word
and it would be sunny
over St James Park
even if it wasnt everywhere else...
went home and asked for forgiveness
self righteousness is not cool!

anyway it rained most of saturday morning
and stopped around lunch
at exactly 2.30 the sun came out at home
I was running late...
I had no faith that it would be sunny in the park
it looked very dark over that way
but whatever ? contingency plans had been made

It rained on the way while I was on the train
it had stopped by the time I got off
and by the time I got to park
the sun was out
and drying up the rain
the band were playing in the park
people were out
and it just got warner and warmer...

was lovely seeing friends
and as usuall not enough time
went to cinema
and then pizza after
really fun time

Today I am really tired
and couldnt drag myself out to the gym
more jokes about my age and emails etc

Life good dudes
its rained all day here
lokks like I got my birthday present from God
yesterday, he gave me sunshine in the park
its the free stuff that I love
in the place I love

I am having far too much fun
I am grateful
pass me the stick!

Today I lerned to play this

Robbie Williams - Come undone Chords

Saturday, August 02, 2008

So our rule is not to avoid a place where there is drinking ..... even plain ordinary whoopee parties. P101

You will note that we made and important qualification.

Therefore, ask yourself on each occasion,

“Have I any good social, business,
or personal reason for going to this place?

Or am I expecting to steal a little vicarious pleasure
from the atmosphere of such places?”

If you answer these questions satisfactorily, you need have no apprehension.

Go or stay away, whichever seems best.

But be sure you are on solid spiritual ground

before you start and that your motive in going
is thoroughly good.

do not think of what you will get out of the occasion.

Think of what you can bring to it.

But if you are shaky, you had better work with another alcoholic instead!
Pages 101 & 102

Today I got a shared cake
and a card signed by a load of people
and some book vouchers...
frikkin awesome
book vouchers! a large sum of money!
a card was probably gonna happen, we do it..
but vouchers..
VERY unexpected, I am touched really

the other birthday person
was going out after work for a few drinks
and cos it was mine I was asked again...
yeh man this time I wanted to go
yesterdays stuff was forgotton by the person with the hump
I was going to go to home group
I was going to turn up later
I was going to go to the cafe after
I was... all these things I could
legitimately leave and do
which would have been ok with me

Just for today
I will have a program.
I may not follow it exactly, but I will have it.
I will save myself from two pests: hurry and indecision.

all the planets lined up
the company was really friendly
and I was happy around it ALL
when I said I was going
someone else asked me to wait for them
and then another did toooooo

Tonight I didnt feel I let my homegroup down
tonight I let them know
I would be late
communicated appropriately..
the meeting would go on without me

I had fun
I had friends offreing to help me
shop to furnish my house... I have no idea!
house hunt again
I am happy

I am part of in many areas
instead of apart from it all

I love the summer nights
I love that I got to walk back across London Bridge
and see the lights and buildings
and do a 360 degree turnaround see the sights
all lit up!!
I am repeating myself I know when I say it
I am so grateful even just for that view
I used to dream of this stuff
now I am living the dream!

First viewing on my flat in the morning!
i'll just tidy up, leave the agent to it
and see what happens!