Thursday, August 07, 2008

Asking for help - Getting honest - Step 6

I have bounced again
you know bouncing along the bottom
not on drinking sober drinking sober
on this mornings and nights thing
not going to bed not getting up
staying up unnecessarily
kidding myself I am enjoying
really I am metal loafing
stying in bed til its too late
then beating myself up
because I didnt go to bed
and am knackered again

I have asked a few people I know
who do have regular bedtimes
and up times
what times they do it
seems normal people on a worknight
go to bed 10ish sleep by 10.30ish
and up 7am

seems a long time to be in bed to me!
but then what do I know
they have what I want... I dont!

Feels like I need to almost go back
to the treat me like a child
go to bed and lay down at the same time
each night even if I am not tired!
and no getting up no matter what!!
retraining for something that
seems a lifetime away
or that I have not had since ... ? age 5
I am sure my parents put me to bed
at reasonable times and regular
and got me up as a young child
however I did start living in hought and fantasy
from a young age
so going to bed at any time didnt stop the head
from thinking... til all hours
thinking takes up valuable sleeping time

anyway
I am really not happy with all this
I cannot say now I am afraid
to go to work
really not really
occasionaly
but more often than not

I am just not going to bed
or giving any thought
to the fact that I go to work
and have a time to be there
it just doesnt seem important
I have a flippant attitude
and am playing the poor me i cant get up card
to myself and others
and its not sitting right

I am self centred
selfish
self seeking
slothful
self will run riot
and very dishonest
in this area
its true

I once was sick
and neeeded tolerence
now I am getting patience and tolerence
and i am not even trying

Why am I staying up late?
am i productive?
Do I have anything even like real to show
like watching a tv programme
or engrossed in a good book?
no not really
mentally loafing
yeh I read spiritual books or whatever
and consider it good
but I dont go to bed and read
I see going to bed as a chore
and getting up and a chore

I have heard my thoughts go...
it'll be different
..when you move
..when you have a train to catch
.. when you are near the sea
.. when you are happier
BULL SHIT!!

Change has to starts now...

I am bored of being me in this area
I am bored to listening to myself
I dont want to be like this in 3.5 years
I dont want to be like this
Its not how I intended it to be
and yet it is

Time to take action
AGAIN

Step 6 - willing to give these tools
a honest attempt on another area of my life
do I mean business?
do I want to recover from this
behaviour that
affects me mentally physically and spiritually?

God help me... please
please give me willing ness
and the power to carry it out

2 comments:

Syd said...

Johno, I hear you and some days think the same about my schedule. I've become more of a night owl over the past year. I like to read late. But it's what I like and I don't beat myself up over it. Hang in there. Maybe your biorhythms have just changed.

Sofia in Sweden said...

What can I say? Just found your blog and you touch my soul. Thanks for your honesty, bravery and for finding your way to my computer.

Peace
Sofia