Sunday, November 27, 2005

You snooze, you lose

And with us, to drink is to die P66

In the realm of King Alcohol
with people whom know me
but dont themselves share the drink problem

infact we were just having a conversation about
the greater power of my own understanding
waitress took my order "cafe latte"
no alcohol was ordered at our table

Many questions came up about
mental, physical, spiritual
whats an alcoholic etc
all stuff that when i talk abt it,
it reminds me that I am an alcoholic
it reminds me that i am in the fellowship i believe in
it confirms to me that i do have faith in my own experience
and in the experience of others

i took a sip of my coffee....
the strange aroma n taste went up my nose
1st thought
"what the fcuks that ? mmm... no-one will know"
1st action
"taste that will ya, tell me whats in it"
urm its got booze in it
2nd action
pass to the other
nah its just coffee flavour
3rd action
leave it aside, cos I DONT KNOW WHATS IN IT

this proves to me
My insanity around alcohol is still there if i take a drink
I dont know if it was coffee flavor or booze,
it is the first drink that does the damage
if I asked enough people, they'll tell me what I wanted to hear
"its just coffee flavour!?"

even waitresses make mistakes
I am grateful that I am sober today
I am grateful that I didnt listen to my head
I am grateful that I took some action
some responsibility for my own sobriety

Asked why they commenced to drink again, they would
reply with some silly excuse, or none

How silly would this have been
"I had to finish the latte off its probably really is only flavour,
as I woulnt get a drink for ages if i dont!!!"
but it did cross my mind
(it didnt cross my mind to just order
another coffee or some water either)

Its just further evidence that proves if alcohol
or anything remotely like alcohol is in me
my insanity returns pretty fast
just incase i forgot

theres a drunken fairy
she just sits there waiting patiently
waiting for me to snooze
waiting to help me lose

Thank you God for reminding me
What i needed even when i didnt know I did

Grateful and sober
thank you God

Page refs Alcoholics Anonymous - Big Book

Thursday, November 24, 2005

I am grateful for

for window of opportunities
for having the courage to try them
for wanting growth
for belonging to a fellowship
so much being on offer
I am in such a good space
seeing the whole world of opportunities are out there
all i got to do is the next right thing
turn up
trust my HP
trying it
pass stuff on
give unconditionally
Let Go
Let go
Keep letting go
not thinking
laughing lots
no resistance
least expectation

am on a pink cloud
lots goin on n am doing
the more i do, the more creative I become
the more creative i become
the more opportunities come up
the more i give, the more i get back

Unity Service Recovery
Thank you God
a beautiful day

Lesson 1
learn to give unconditionally (yeh i progressing ok on this one)
Lesson 2
learn how to receive (theres an art to this)

I guess if my unconditional giving
has a condition which disallows me to receive,
then am not really giving unconditionally am i???

having said that.... the futures bright...

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Growing outwards

It feels to me that I am not backing away from contact with others
by putting my blogging second, after step4
(like a supplement to...thank you OMD)
Step4 is easy to put aside & procrastinate on
blogging isnt, so I have to put it second
at the moment my recovery (doing the steps)
comes first it has too

no one else will do the dying if I drink
no one else will do the misery if i fix in other ways
this evenings post shows me
if i put my recovery first,
i still get time to do a big blog aswell...
a frickin big one
self obsessed... grateful... yeh i am
just for today anyway

I have spent so or should that be too long in
virtual/relationships or fantasy in my head ones
playing games - mind games
it grew my loneliness & self pity

I am learning what friendship is and how it works
face to face & phone & on the net
taking emotional risks, honesty
looking at my art/part
it is an art, its all art

The art of effective communication... who me...
yeh am trying, i mean giving it a go
then letting go

I just mean I am looking at what I have around me
finding & growing friendships with common interests
in doing so I am finding myself - getting a life

And I am liking it

We have found much of heaven and we have been
rocketed into a fourth dimension of existence of
which we had not even dreamed.

stayed in tonight in 5 hours
bought some food
step4 done some
cooked a chicken alone for myself (without feeling lonely)
(I just turned the oven on and chucked the chicken in
easy does it for Gods sake, 1st attempt that I can remember in years)
going to have a bubble bath
phoned people
been phoned & planted a seed...
i passed on the hot chicken ACTION
to another who also hasnt cooked a chicken in recovery
booked some tickets
now am going to bed
its been a good evening
this programme works - THERE IS A SOLUTION

We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we
could not do for ourselves.

Look at the evidence

Thursday nights
used to be about obsessing about being with
someone I couldnt be with
(cos they were with someone else and they didnt want me)
drinking myself to oblivion,
smoking lots
full of resentment
playing tapes over and over on my head
fantasising about how great i am, if only they knew
poor me
in the dark
making little plans to get my own way
it really was gonna be different tomorrow

AA gave me a alternative
a purpose & solution
for 2 years
I had a home group and 2 commitments within that time
I wasnt able to get out of the darkness alone
I wasnt able to spend time alone on Thursdays
from the day after the day i walked in to AA this time
there was no need to do Thursdays like that anymore

We, in our turn, sought the same escape with all the
desperation of drowning men. What seemed at first a
flimsy reed, has proved to be the loving and powerful
hand of God. A new life has been given us or, if you
prefer, "a design for living" that really works

The thursday evening
"obsession" still sees the person they were seeing
the thursday meeting still meets
Me, I changed

tonight I am with very little resentment
what I have is manageable
with the help of God the spiritual tools

Am grateful i found the hand of God manifesting
itself within the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous

the chicken thing started with the guy i sit next to
at work telling me today how he just chucked a chicken
in the oven last night and carried on with his evening
while it just cooked its given him food for 3-4 days...

one chicken eater helping another chicken eater
who in turn passed it one to another
.... it may be the start of something beautiful

All page refs to "Big Book" Alcoholics Anonymous

Thank you Blue for your post
it made me see all this :)

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

First things First

Though our decision was vital and crucial step, it could have little
permanent effect unless at once followed by a strenuous
effort to face, and to be rid of, the things in ourselves
which had been blocking us.
P64 Alcoholics Anonymous

It doesnt say if you get time after youve blogged of an evening
I need to get on with it
Its a programme of ACTION, not thinking, blogging or talking

Blogging wont sort my thinking out
Blogging wont keep me sober
am getting into analysis, paralysis
am bored already of my insane behaviour of late
and listening to the sound of my own thinking, composing
unravel by means of procrastination, avoidance & analysis if you like


Change or die


Monday, November 14, 2005

An eskimo spoke & triggered my defects

We meet these conditions every day. An alcoholic
who cannot meet them, still has an alcoholic mind; there
is something the matter with his spiritual status. His
only chance for sobriety would be some place like the
Greenland Ice Cap, and even there an Eskimo might
turn up with a bottle of scotch and ruin everything!

I am mental
Open mouth, full of shite
or not what i intended to say
or that sounds shite, why did i say that?
or I want to just go home & hide
or i cant shut up
it gets worse
can i go out and come back in again
oh god am nuts
brain & mouth not working in sync
mouth working off some other string
just be, dont do... i cant for long

sense of humour is in tack
friends just were
its just for today
or just for the time being
this too shall pass

Sober, insane & hopeful
self pity & fear & pride manageable
Friend was 1 today
Flight booked
Am building a life, we are building a life
am finding out and experiencing
i am getting to know me
another future event arranged
Bikes fixed
works done

In our belief any scheme of combating alcoholism which proposes to shield the sick man from temptationis doomed to failure. If the alcoholic tries to shield himself he may succeed for a time, but usually winds up with a bigger explosion than ever. We have tried these methods. These attempts to do the impossible have always failed. P101

The problem isnt the alcohol tonight, that thought never came
its my thinking
meal out
remained present for an hour
exchanging conversation... then ouch, envy, bang, self centredness
oh fuck here they come, i am powerless
my head left the room
bang, self pity, bang pride... i am not cured
i suddenly had people in my head, ready to act out with
this is a problem
reigned my thinking & defects in kind of to manageable
i allowed the conversation to die gracefully
moved onto something & someone else
God help me

I cant just remove myself from all who trigger my defects
I would still be left with me & I am powerless over my thoughts
the only way I know is to walk through
Hand in Hand with the Spirit of the Universe
checking out my motives for being there & even before speaking
I was there for the right reasons
I opened my mouth and spoke at times for the wrong reasons
Self seeking motives
Progress is turning up & eating
Accepting Imperfection IMO made a twat of myself a few times
when i was self seeking
Acceptance will come

i want to act out, i dont want to act out
i want to act out, i dont want to act out
God help me

still dont like meals out except alone
still dont like practicing meals out with other people
thank God I dont have to do it everyday,
for 12 hours... it would appall me
today I just did it anyway

I enjoyed being there
It was just when my head kicked in
the trick today is to not let 10mins of defective thinking
and a few words that i didnt "choose" to utter
persuade me that the whole evening was a shambles

the world didnt grind to a halt because I am mental today
I didnt either, just keep on keeping on

just for today am grateful inside & in a forcing it out my mouth kind of way

Page references to "Big Book" Alcoholics Anonymous

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Fear is not a problem today

But there exists among us a fellowship, a friendliness, and an understanding which is indescribably wonderful. P17 Alcoholics Anonymous

I just got reminded, it still amazes me
I never felt this til i walked thru the doors this time
Since then its been there, but the other side of a barrier (fear)

I feel it now, today, fellowship
I feel it, more and more
I feel able to let myself be part of
Even when my head tells me am not
I am part of
I am no longer alone

How did it happen
God knows
I just do whats suggested
(most of the time)
Its just come back at me
Just for today
Fear is not a problem
I am at peace inside
Keep turning up
Taking the odd risk - not life threatening, just emotional ones
Growth is only possible if i take a bit of a risk

Step4 revisited is not perfect
Am just doing it anyway

am grateful for opportunities
am grateful that am willing
am grateful that am able
am grateful to be teacheable
am grateful you teach me

thank you

Saturday, November 12, 2005

I am grateful

for today being a better day than yesterday
for taking my bike for its MOT
For it failing... finally this "faulty part" will get fixed
for them finally accepting there is something wrong with it
For being able to afford to fix it
For them being able to fix it faster than i thought they would
For taking a long walk to a new meeting
for accepting am definitly in step4 crazy head
for remembering my experience of my head last time
for not fearing that madness returning
for doing some step4 tonight
for seeing how destructive my thinking can be
for having a solution
for having a programme
for not having to do this alone

for the sun shining
for the sky being blue
for taking a walk along the beach
for feeling happy
for feeling at peace

for being sober
for having faith in a God who loves me
for not expecting too much of myself today
for being safe & warm

for my world opening up a little more
for God giving me a little more, to handle
for me noticing how life has just switched up a gear
for me remembering i only have to do today
for an attempt at not tackling my whole lifes problems today
for an attempt at doing something for excersize i didnt want to do
for an attempt at adjusting myself to what is
for letting today stay simple

thank you for giving me a solution & a purpose

I just noticed I put whole lifes problems....
well today i didnt have a problem
the problems i was thinking of are not problems
they are good things which have come my way
as a result of this fellowship
what i perceived as a problem, is not a problem, issues maybe...all solvable
all of my own making, making in that i said yes, i'll give it a try
so thats good stuff thats in the making
frinstance...would you call booking a flight to get to a convention
A PROBLEM... ??? no a high class issue
this is what happens when you start getting a life
crawling out from under the duvet & staying out

Get real Johno,
just for today
the only problem is me & my perception
oh yeh and being a Drama Queen

I was a scoffer, i remained to pray, it works

When a person offended we said to ourselves,
"This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him?
God save me from being angry. Thy will be done."
We avoid retaliation or argument. We wouldn't
treat sick
people that way. If we do, we destroy our chance of being
helpful. We cannot be helpful to all people, but at least
God will show us how to take a kindly and tolerant
view of each and every one. P67

Todays the 14th day of me praying for the two people
and the company I work for,
14 days ago the anger was so bad
i was angry & couldnt lift it I had become obsessive,
self seeking, destructive inwardly & outwardly in this area
Misery though optional, i took it again
without realising it, i was in it

I was squandering hours P66 obsessing about their defects
resentment was destroying this alcoholic
I needed help, i couldnt lift this alone, i had to call in the big guns

Praying works, by tuesday this week, my anger & resentment had gone
they became just a couple of colleagues, nothing special
(i had changed, they hadnt)
my company became an ok company to work for again
(i had changed, it hadnt)
i became a little lighter
i fitted myself in again
less of the self seeking
more being of service
Altered my Attitude

then yesterday, i opened my mouth and retaliated with someone else
here we go again, self seeking
thats it johno... another 14 days praying
i didnt need telling, i just did it anyway
why wouldnt I? works

Though I refused & scoffed & feared taking this action before
When the student is ready the teacher appears... i heard you
I am glad i got willing and did it
its another tool i was given quite a while ago
that I never picked up & tried, not really... half heartedly, here and there
Half measures availed us nothing P59
and have just learned how to use
tonight i passed it on
its all such a gift
am grateful

I earnestly advise every alcoholic to read this book through,
and though perhaps he came to scoff, he may remain to pray.
William D. Silkworth, M.D Pxxx

Thankyou Dr Silkworth

All page references "Big Book" Alcoholics Anonymous

My prayers tonight include a friend who travelling to a part of the world thats
troubled by terrorism this week. Please keep her safe... until we meet again

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Honesty, willingness, openminded

it works,
i really believe it works
I know it works
I have experienced it working
it works for me
when i work it

didnt get up
did think about it
did get up
did get back in bed
did think again
fear, uselessness, self pity
all bound & gagging me

did get up
left house
step10'd what just happened
Looked at my thinking during the previous hour
I really dont think much of myself
this came as a shock

I have been learning more tolerence of myself
but i thought i was learning to love myself
this morning showed me some truth
from the moment i wake up until I leave the house
i wake up alone, in fear, feeling worthless
this is how i feel most mornings
rarely do i wake up full of joys
even when am at my most joyeous

i really have to work very hard in the mornings
to kick the straight jacket off
to remember i have alcoholism
to take part in
to remember i am part of
to remember what to do
to remember not to think
I battle with my head every morning
fuckit who gives a shit if i dont turn up for work
fuck it turn over
fuck it just turn up late
fuckit leave it til the last minute
fuckit dont have breakfast
fuckit dont dress becomingly
and for years and years i have been getting away with it
I wake up full of the misery of the ISM
am not sure i want to anymore

is this the next thing God?
is this the next thing i DONT believe you can help me with
am not sure am ready... (still clinging on to the duvet)
thats me again, am not ready to do it (i like isolating & feeling like shit)
incase i cant maintain it (thats what grown ups do)
thats me again... (iiiiiii alone looking at my own miserable past performance)
get with it, this is about God, not me alone anymore
its obviously i cant do this alone, or i would have aready duh
i need a frickin Power Greater than Myself

If you can sort my morning unmanagability out
then that would be a frickin miracle

never underestimate the power of God & prayer
I thought letting go of attachments was the biggest
you sorted that one - i had to pray for it
I thought i letting go of money & power
you sorted that one - i had to pray for it
i thought i would not be able to let go of this anger
you sorted that one - i had/have to pray for it
Bleeding hell
too much evidence in the last month or two

Prayer & doing Gods will, well my lousy best

I bought donuts at work today
gave them first to the guy I have been praying about
he wanted to know what it was for
I just felt like it,
something came over me today
Altered Attitude

Never was I to pray for myself, except as my requests bore on my usefulness to others.
P13 Alcoholics Anonymous

am grateful, thanks Bill W

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

ISM.... I Sabotage Myself

didnt hear the alarm
didnt get up when i heard it
did listen to my head
didnt eat
didnt get to the garage
didnt get to work on time
didnt get a lunch time
didnt finish my work
didnt get to the meeting on time

did pray for a sober day
did pray for the people i was angry at
did get enough work done
did keep my mind with my body most of the day
did get someone elses done aswell
did get to meeting
did get voted in for a commitment
did fing out about a convention in Europe coming up
did notice this same location has come up in
several very different conversations over the last 2 weeks...
did have a laugh at meeting
did stay for food
did meet a newcomer
did pray for a safe ride home & have defects removed along the way
did get home safe
did call up my sponsor
did get honest about my fear & unmamageability in the mornings
did take on a suggestion
did express gratitude for being asked to secretary another mtng
did get honest about my doubts
did wonder together if I may be taking on too
many commitments around the fellowship
did agree to pray on it
did talk to a friend & listened to her gratitude
did stay sober

will pray before bed
will write a simple plan for the morning
will try

I am grateful for all the dids
I am grateful that my unmanageablility didnt destroy today
I am grateful for accepting another imperfect day

If I was drinking
ALL the stuff i DID would not be there

I am blessed to be part of... something greater than me

I am grateful that there is a solution

Victim v Volunteer

Yes it seems I was useful today
If i believe what my boss says

I am so quick to take a "look" as negative
But when an email comes, thanking me for my help today
My natural reaction is to dismiss it as
"what that fuck do you thanking me for? I was gonna do it anyway"

If I do something in a victim like way
I want praise & sulk when i dont get it
When I volunteer without expecting anything in return
I get praised & have to work at accepting it

Next I'll be sabotaging
Bugger!! the thoughts there already
have to work on not acting out on that then
restraint of tongue & pen & keyboard

God help me please

Sunday, November 06, 2005

And with us, to drink is to die.

It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while. But with the alcoholic,whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feeling we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die. P66 Alcoholics Anonymous

I just been released with instructions on how to revisit of step4.
Arrived back home at 11.30 am wet and cold and went to bed & slept
Am not a saint

It has to be everyday
Or i wont do it
Its a daily programme
It fits with what i did before
But not the same
I just got to do it

Keep on Keeping on

Went out for a meal last night, 40th bthday (not mine)
I stayed present mind body and spirit for 95%
was almost real... almost
god i am never satisfied unless its perfect
such a control freak
the meal was cool
I was manageable
Still practicing on the eating out

Am grateful
for the invite & experience
for doing it sober
for getting out on the bike
for a straight piece of road to check out the top speed
(its not that fast, just fast enough)
having a solution to deal with resentment
being willing
the power of prayer
for the belief in Higher Power
having a sense of humour

am feeling step4ish
thats all

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Blind faith the only faith

It works if you work it
It really does
This praying for someone
does something
it disables anger
it free's up head space
it lets in the sunlight

Am still sulking inside
Accepting where I am is taking time
Accepting it takes time, takes practice
am practicing

Am looking at being useful
Giving, instead of receiving in other areas
Giving in a manner of ways
Not just in AA
Like minded people who give back
I think i have just found somethings am interested in
I can fill my time with
Get me out of my comfort zone
Fresh air & Green pastures

Its only a thought
But all things start as a thought
Thought is the start of creation
2006 a green year ?
a breakthru i think

Am grateful to be sober
In work
Bills payed
a God thats showing me who I am and showing me his will for me
willing to look
seeking to be true to myself
Being Sober even when it dont seem it sometimes - the truth is IT ROCKS

Without AA I would be nothing
Without AA I would not be

As a member of AA
My Primary purpose is to stay sober &
help other alcoholics to acheive sobriety
Is that it??? Is that it ???
No my friend AA is much more than that
Its magical, its given me a life I never had before
Its giving me opportunities
It gives me purpose
I am useful (yes it still sticks to say it)
Its an experience not to be missed
Am glad I didnt quit before the miracle
It works if i work it, it dont if i dont
Its true