Sunday, September 28, 2008

Keep it simple

Its funny! well unsuprising
after hitting a breaking moment Thursday
and recongising
I am just taking everything too seriously
and needed to rest

Had a productive and enjoyable weekend
lots of packing forr moving
preparing changing
address and utilities etc
and resting
time in the sun last few days
much needed rays! feeling sunnier
I am loving the warm autumn weekends

reading Tricks of the mind - Derren Brown
interesting recommendation IFOBW

Out of 3 none study books I have
begin reading this summer
I am yet to say I have read
a whole book
stuffs just not grabbing me
not even Paulo Coelho
even this one
the first 3 or 4 chapters
I had to skip
and start part way in!

take what you need and leave the rest

Have to say... pills are working
on the main symptom I went for

Uni starts next week
Good luck to the'Awl Fecker
may the Force be with you, me
and anyone else studying
have a great week everyone!

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Thursday, September 25, 2008

No Projecting - Self will run riot!

See I purposely didnt mention
symptoms or what I think it could be
or whether I agree with any test
for what it could be
it doesnt matter what I think
it matters what I know
and today I dont know

Thank you for your Care

today I am paying attention
to what my body is telling me
or revealing to me
I am realising
that there are a few more symptoms
I have been "ignoring"
or not linking up
that i need to mention in my phone call
Self awareness
Step 1 stuff
or is it Step 10!


Yeh man I am afraid
and at the same time have faith

Mentally I am thinking about that
thing that when a person is about to die
they often get closer to God
I see moving towards Gods Will and Good
moving towards perfection
which is different to a none obstacle ridden life
which is part of the process

I mentioned a little while back that
if Get what want wil I then die?
all my dreams are coming true
I dreamed of doing the degree
I dreamed of a beach house
I dreamed of having a garden
I am getting it
so will I die when I have perfection?
well my idea of perfetion?
its a weird thought process I am going here

Its reminded me of when I was doing step 1 and 2
and I could not imagine how it would be
if I could manage and excel in all the stuff
I found to be unmanageable when I drank
and in early.. recovery
it scared me to think that I would ever get any of these things
so often self will and fear wanted me not to proceed
to turn away from Care
I assumed I would be given this new manageability
to deal with overnight
with the tools of a newcomer
I was given everything
ALL in Gods time
and ALL the tools I have been given
as and when I have needed them
in the right order
except I am different
I have a confidence thesedays
that unshakeable faith amongst the fear
that really blows my mind at times
that I have to smile and gives me
huge happiness and tears of joy
anything is possible
if I do the footwork
and its Gods will not mine!

So here I am again
I learned before
that to die does not mean to stop breathing
it can mean letting go of old ideas
old thinking
old me
and letting in whatever is to become
open minded
open heart
having faith thats a blind and evidenced faith
God doesnt give me anything I cant handle
self will, pride and fear does

Ok i'm off to eat
finish off a job
make a start on another and then
then focus on my breathing
in a yoga position!

Me Me Me

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

I am bored of health stuff now.... mental illness is a sinch in comparison!

But I have to address it
self diagnosis doesnt work
and other people's doesnt either!

Its like my yoga teacher said
you get one think dealt with
and another comes up..

Just for today I am breathing
my heart is beating
I have a sense of humour
and life is actually good
there is nothing actually
to complain about that I KNOW of

My physio suggested I get another
referral for something else thats
come up while she has been treating
my shoulder... which is REALLY improving!
almost full movement wayhay!
follow her instructions
and it gets better

Go to GP to ask for another referral
she then questions why I think the physio
is correct...
I said I dont know
I am just doing what the physio said
she asked what the symptoms are
I told her
she asked if I have x and y
and then said what do i think it is?
I said I dont know I hoped you might..

she then prescribed me some tablets
I whined as usual about pills not wanting, liking etc..
and she said well no point in me
prescribing if you are not going to take them
so I said well you know better than me you are the doctor
and she then said well your the patient!
I could see this was not going any where
(I am really fed up of symptoms)
I agreed to do it her way!
one week of pills
and a blood test
we'll see what happens

I'd rather know whats going on..
everythings treatable
when you know what it is!

Anyway the blood man
said I have very small vein
or whatever it was he stuck the needle in
and it works very well
blood came out red which was a VERY good start!
if it had come out blue then I would
have thought God was having a laugh
after my new Royal title yesterday

Spoke with a fellow AA who
has the thing I am being tested for
I know she LIVES with this thing
as opposed to suffering with it
see nothing need be doom and gloom

of course I was initially disappointed
to not get the referral I wanted
and I have to take a frikkin pill
but I am doing as I am told to the letter!
I want to enjoy life nowadays
I got a degree and beach house coming up!
and if that means getting health stuff dealt with
and needles and stuff
then well I MUST !

Motives are completely honest
nothing mind bending
and I have no desire to continue after a week!

GP asked me if I smoked, nope
do I drink? nope not atall
she doesnt think blood tests will come up with
problem stuff...
I thought about telling her I dont have irresponsible sex either
but I didnt...

Blood pressure is fine

I reckon its stress
working full time
part time degree & self study
eating, shopping, life
oh yeh, buying and selling
moving house
risk of redundancy

I wonder if this serenity
is only skin deep?

... or underneath
in the bits I cannot see or touch
am I a mass or a mess...
whizzing round
unserene trying to cope
and falling to pieces?

I really am keeping it in the day
at the moment
I have to!
sinch by the inch stuff
as it comes up
and its getting done

God show me what I must do next
Show me what it is you want me to do
Thy will not mine be done

Ps God... that thought I had the other night
abit doing less uni this term
extending it further...
was that You God or fear & self will?

Good night!

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Apparantly I am King!? Well I suppose its better than being a drama Queen!

You Are the King

You are natural leader. You like to rule, and people like to be ruled by you.
You handle responsibility well. You enjoy providing for those who are loyal to you.

You master anything you try, and you refuse to accept failure as an option.
You're especially good at developing strategies and delegating tasks.

You are a total perfectionist. Your standards are hard to live up to.
However, you are also very generous ... at least to those in your inner circle.

Is this me? Of course!!

What Role do you play?

I Found it through Lydia @ Writerquake

Monday, September 22, 2008

Paulo Coehlo - The third cardinal virtue: Love

The Warrior of Light No. 181

The third cardinal virtue: Love
According to the dictionary: from the Latin amor: strong affection that drives us towards the object of our desires; inclination of the soul and heart; affection; passion; exclusive inclination; theological grace.

In the New Testament: So faith, hope and love endure. These are the great three, and the greatest of them is love. (Corinthians 13:13)

According to etymology: the Greeks had three words to designate love: Eros, Philos and Agape. Eros is the healthy love between two persons that justifies life and perpetuates the human race. Philos is the sentiment that we dedicate to our friends. Finally, Agape, which contains both Eros and Philos, goes far beyond “liking” someone. Agape is total love, the love that devours those who feel it. For Catholics, this was the love that Jesus felt for humanity, and it was so great that it shook the stars and changed the course of the history of men. Those who know and feel Agape realize that nothing else in this world has any importance, only loving.

For Oscar Wilde:
Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard,
Some do it with a bitter look,
Some with a flattering word,
The coward does it with a kiss,
The brave man with a sword!
(Ballad of Reading Jail, 1898)

In a late 19th century sermon: Pour your love generously on the poor, which is easy; and on the rich, who distrust everybody and cannot see the love that they so need. And on your neighbor – which is very difficult, because it is towards him that we are most selfish. Love. Never lose a chance to give joy to your neighbor, because you will be the first to benefit from this – even if nobody knows what you are doing. The world around you will become happier, and things will become easier for you.
I am in this world living the present. Any good thing that I can do, or any happiness that I can bring to others, please tell me. Don’t let me put things off or forget, because I shall never live this moment again. (Henry Drummond The Supreme Gift, [1851-1897])

In an e-mail received by the author: “While I kept my heart to myself, I never had a single morning of anguish or a single night of insomnia. Since I fell in love, my life has been a sequence of anguish, losses, confusion. I think that God, by using love, managed to hide hell in the middle of Paradise” (C.A., 23/11/2006)

For science: In the year 2000, researchers Andreas Bartels and Semir Zeki, of University College in London, located the areas of the brain activated by romantic love by using a series of students who claimed to be madly in love. In the first place, they concluded that the zones affected by the sentiment are far smaller than they had imagined, and are the same as those activated by stimuli of euphoria, such as in using cocaine, for example. Which led the authors to conclude that love is similar to the manifestation of physical dependence provoked by drugs.
Also using the same system of scanning the brain, scientist Helen Fisher, of Rutgers University, concludes that three characteristics of love (sex, romanticism and mutual dependence) stimulate different areas of the cortex, and further conclude that we can be in love with one person, want to make love to another, and live with a third.

For a poet: Love possesses nothing and does not want to be possessed, because it is enough in itself. It will make you grow, and then throw you on the ground. It will whip you so that you feel your impotence, it will shake you to rid you of all your impurities. It will crush you to leave you flexible.
And then it will toss you in the fire so that you can become the blessed bread to be served at God’s sacred feast (The Prophet, by Khalil Gibran [1883-1931])

(next Warrior of Light Online Wisdom)

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Just thinking whether I think about everything?

Do you think to much

Or think about what you think about me
or think you think what I think
or think about me
as much as I think you think about me or would like you to
or whether I think you dont think about me atall
I also think that what I think is not
always what you really think
but sometimes what I think must be true
because my thinking isnt always wrong
I dont think
anyway I think I have got over my paranoia
that you think I overanalyse
and assume you always think the worst of me
because I know what you think
because you think like do.. dont you?
or am i the only one taht thinks like this
infact am I the only one left in this world that thinks?
if only the world thought like me
it would be a better place!
and obviusly you spend far more time thinking about me
than I do about you
infact you must spend at least as much time thinking about me as I do about you
if you dont I will be offended
because I think I am that important
in my world which you obviously are the centre of
I think
anyway I am going to bed to think about what you are thinking
...about me obviously!

what do you think?
am I paranoid and overanalyse?
:D I thought I would add the smiley face
incase you think I am being serious
which I dont think I am
or perhaps having thought about it
I am
although I think today I can laugh about the insanity
of my thinking past and present and future

When I catch myself at any of this
it leads to FEAR
which leads to isolation
or reacting behaviour
wrong motives!
which inevitably lead to
further resentment
and thinking!

OR it is because
I have acted driven by a defect
which doesnt sit well
pricks my Good/God conscience
resulting in me thinking, worrying (FEAR and pride)
needing to take inventory
and pray for the defects to be removed
and forgiveness... of God.. not always off the person
like it says in step 10

When we retire at night, we constructively review our day. Were we resentful, selfish, dishonest or afraid? Do we owe an apology? Have we kept something to ourselves which should be discussed with another person at once? Were we kind and loving toward all? What could we have done better? Were we thinking of ourselves most of the time? Or were we thinking of what we could do for others, of what we could pack into the stream of life? But we must be careful not to drift into worry, remorse or morbid reflection, for that would diminish our usefulness to others. After making our review we ask God’s forgiveness and inquire what corrective measures should be taken. P86

Thank God for Step 9
where I got to make the deal
I would try and behave diferently in future
Thank God for Step 5
where I learned it was and IS safe to admit to anoth AA human (sponsor)
Thank God for Step 10
where I get to get my thoughts out there
Thank God for Step 12
where I get to ask for help, my sponsor passes onto me what her sponsor passed onto her

"other people cannot SEE the madness in OUR heads!"

ahem... I dont think!!

Friday, September 19, 2008

Obviously the gratitude wore thin quickly H.A.L.Tired

And yesterday
I was sick of my job
and wished I wasnt there

reality kicked in
and we started getting busy
personality clashes
everyone coming down
and adrenaline rushes
as the business came to a climax
fraught exchanges all over the place
keeep mouth shut as much as possible
no thing would be the right thing!!
I couldnt wait to get to bed HALTired
come down
from eveything
at work
house move in the back ground a few issues
enjoying a really funny evening meal & theatre tuesday
(late night)
done a chair out of town wednesday evening
(another late night)
I slept like a log last night
or like a baby
havent slept like that for a long while
woke up a completely different person!?
which was well needed
beauty sleep....

today (Fridays) a different day
still busy
better frame of mind

sense of humour
and nornal service is resuming!

Home group tonight
I have finished my post of GSR
and am now Share rep... kind of like
the flogger of England equivalent of Grapevine

have a great weekend
I am having a normal one!
Home removals coming round
to look at my stuff 8am in the morning!
rest of the weekend
is mine!

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Grateful & reality check

Grateful to have been "successful"
that I get to stay in my job
reality check
as to how serious this crunch is

Monday Lehmans
closed up and havent paid anyone...

I think..

which puts my potential
1 months and 2 weeks redundancy
in perspective
at least I had time
yeh I can analyse away and say
well it would have been this and that

I feel
the hard work
starts here!
Life goes on!

Its all going to get smaller
which in my opinion
is needed
helping others
a sense of community
one vision
the greater good
fairness and profitable

yeh its easy to get attached
whats the option
dont do anything...

brings taking part
being part of
cant help feel
when its in jeopardy

Its ok knowing
not to get attached
and I suppose its
easy when
you arent taking part
to say it
it just to say
well I dont get attached to work
and then feel really afraid of losing
from another part of our lives

if you havent felt a sense of loss
or something like that
when somethings gone or over
then it dont seem
like you really had it in the first place
or didnt give it your all?

What am I on about? I dunno
talking out a resentment I have towards
myself for feeling ANY attachement
however small towards my job!
how intolerence can I be towards myself for gods sake !

I suppose I am justifying
all this stuff
that I hear about
not getting attached
loose garments
let go and let God

I suppose its about
getting involved
but not making the thing, job, money
person, course, house, sea
my higher power?

do you know what I am on about?
It dont matter

I am grateful
tomorrow I go to work
I have extra responsibility from next week
which was inevitable
as we will be a third down
and a chance to learn something new
and I get paid next week!!

head can return to house move by the sea
and uni...
unless there is something else?

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Just been to a lecture on - People Management

A woman who talks about
spiritual principles to
use in the workplace
she didnt mention the word manage once!

Giving not taking
value people
be yourself
Give more when faced of negativity
remove oneself if unable to stay safe
know you are enough
be not do
attraction not promotion
accept people as they are

100% people orientated
can end up a holiday club and not alot gets acheived
100% task orientated
can end up a regime, people feel manipulated undervalued

It was interesting

Here's what the website said..

Inner Space - People Management--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

People Management is not about controlling people, even though most of us may naturally want to control everything.

It is about understanding people and knowing how to engage with them so that they feel valued and important.

Managing people requires us to broaden our role from that of decision maker to catalyst, coach and facilitator.

ask more questions, do less telling.

use co-operation & communication.

flex your style for the needs of different people.

Date 14/09/2008 6.00pm to 7.30pm
Venue Yoga Therapy Centre, 90 - 92 Pentonville Road, Islington, London N1 9HS

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Hallelujah - Shrek

I just learned to play this
enjoy! though its REALLY melancoly
so enjoy seems the wrong word!

Guitar Chords - Jeff Buckley version
I use capo on 2

Hallelujah - Rufus Wainwright version (Shrek)

Rest of week has been ordinary... and something about Fear - is it/does it/ hold you back?

hence little posting!
I did have a conversation with
a good friend about fear which prevents change
and how I am getting...
more practiced
about not letting fear hold me back for so long..
and how I have learned how to become
willing to change and be changed
and become
more practiced
about embracing change
although when "seemingly" forced upon me
I reacted badly.. like tuesday
progress not perfection!

anyway here's what I wrote Sept 11th
about fear
everyone "suffers" from it
but do we recognise its
guises and symptoms
theres a ton of links in this post

there is a reason why the phrase
"crippled by fear" is still used
because it still does

Fear is also a natural part of

its my experiences
of all the following
and questions and answers
I have asked myself or been asked
and answered
I am, was, will be all of this
Human stuff

Why are there so many unfulfilled ambitions?
Angry people who..
would of been
could of been
should of been
if only
waiting for the mythical magic wand
someone else to give the leg up
waiting for it to happen
I will
I may
knocking the people who have

Or I will try and change everything around me thats
fine in my life, because I am too afraid to try
and change the thing thats not

I want this thing now
but I am not prepared to
try and do something about it
because I dont know
how it will be
I need to know it will work before I will do it

I also want this thing BUT
Long terms I wont save regularly
attend every session on the course
read and follow the instructions
take the medication exactly prescribed TIL ITS FINISHED
do the excersize regularly over a period of time
stop eating the crap over a period of time
..could be lazy, sloth or beneath that fear of success
buy that thing I deserve, pass the exam, get well, look good, feel better

Fear of failure?
what about fear of success?
that your dreams could become a reality?

Its made me THINK back! Doh!
How I spent far to many years sat
dreaming about what I would become someday
I was in the wrong job, house, relationship, clothes, body
and wouldnt it be fantastic if
and how much untapped potential there was in me
if only they knew...
they being... the world...

yet I did nothing about it! just thought about it
...for years
I knew what I wanted
dreamed it, visioned it
and decided it was never gonna happen
all within a minute or so

I will never stop dreaming
its where my life eveolves from
some of my dreams started out as your dreams
and have become my dream
some of my dreams I am not capable of YET
but many of my dreams I now find
remained out of reach
through me not taking a risk in trying
fear of it being too hard...
that I wouldnt like it
that I would have wasted my time
Fear of what you would think of me
and one I thrived on
no small northernish munky like me could possibly do that!
See how wrong I am

now I am living many of my dreams
see my dreams/life may appear ordinary to some
but to me its extraordinary

Fear does still hold me back short term
but it doesnt hold me back, prevent me moving forward
I havent got time to waste
and why do I need to?
I wasted so many years for so long
because I knew no different
Aswell I was afraid of success
like it was not something
I was worthy of or deserved?!
is this a british thing? or human?
does this come with age?
or what? who cares..! talk amongst yourselves

Simply Red - Holding back the years
"Chance for me to escape from all I know.
Holding back the tears.
Theres nothing here has grown.
Ive wasted all my tears,
Wasted all those years.
Nothing had the chance to be good"

You said great things would come to pass
and its true
dream up a desire
make a decision
then take steps
fearlessly, thoroughly and painstakingly

Nothings thats No Thing is impossible
Fear must not be a problem
nor money
nor people
nor pride
if you notice you are holding on (to fear)
let go!

and.. Dont stop telling me your dreams and ambitions
it may be the dream I am waiting for!
"If you (really) want something, all the universe will conspire in helping you achieve that dream." Paulo Coelho The Alchemist

you asked what spiritual is?
knowing who I am
being the person I am
and becoming the person I can be
is a part of it

Remembering 7 years ago today
what were you dreaming 7 years ago?
are you STILL dreaming the same dreams?
live them while you have the chance
or encourage someone else to live theirs!
it may just inspire you to start living yours

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

It wasn't pretty - they haven't seen my like that before... truth is... they haven't seen me in that situation before

I did all the right things before
going in to HR meeting
it was supposed to be easy
and then he asked me a question
about would I relocate?
and I kinda flipped
I knew this was on the cards
and sane thinking and feeling
already accepted this
and I kinda freaked out
backed into a corner to make a decsion
there and then
and I couldn't stop
then numbed out
til all you got was
yes no answers
no feeling, no emotion
I couldnt wait to get out
I had to leave the building
and cry
I scared myself
more than they scared me
I didnt like me in there

So when they said
I have never seen you like that before
the truth is
they have never seen me
in that situation before
and hey backed into a corner
scared, with an unexpected question
that I am deciding my destiny...
in 30 seconds
I cant remember what else happend

I went and apologised to the HR guy after
and said i wasnt happy with the way
our meeting had gone
he said he knew it wasnt me in there
and it was understandable under the circumstances
I am moving house in a few weeks
and starting uni
and they are asking me
whether I would be prepared to move and relocate
... my inner self reacted against BADLY
he and my boss said there was no need to apologise
I said there was,
I needed to live with myself and my conscience
and now I can pray to let it go

I am touched by kindness and understanding
I was given this afternoon
like I give out
its a must to receive
I am not a rock or an island
I do feel pain
and I do cry
I am human
LIVING the challenges of life
without any wings
and whilst today
I considered smoking
I refused lunch
I did take inventory
I did pray
I did make two apologies
I did complete my self assessment
I did grade myself highly & truthfully
I can evidence every example if required
I am going to bed early
I did ask for help
I did show myself
without my pride
I have softened
and its ok
I did complete & post my lawyers papers for house move
I did get to physio apt ontime (I am making progress)
I did come home and eat
The sky has not fallen in!

This is a song about pride and fear
isolation and arrogance
I used to like this song
the similarities I felt
protection, on guard...
no risks
nowadays I have trouble listening to it
its not in keeping with how I feel today
it takes me back and gives me gratitude
that I have changed

Simon & Garfunkel I am a Rock

Ive built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
"I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
Its laughter and its loving I disdain"

Dont talk of love,
But Ive heard the words before;
Its sleeping in my memory.
I wont disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.

And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.

See I do and I do
so this song is not about me now
its about how I used to be

Today's lesson is
progress not perfection
and letting go and letting Good/God

no roaring today.. Good night x

Monday, September 08, 2008

Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely. P58 - Roar!

Is not our age characterized by the ease with which we discard old ideas for new, by the complete readiness with which we throw away the theory or gadget which does not work for something new which does? P52

This is a higgledy piggledy
but its exactly how I feel today
its all there
but coming around in the wrong order
I KNOW WHAT I MEAN! kind of day...

Almost a kind of acceptance that I have faith
and I need to do the next right thing regardless
and I am enough
now is not the time for proving anything
just be myself
like I was 2 weeks ago
the footwork is done really
I just need to continue and maintain
the standards I have already met
and just keep doing it
and have faith
let go absolutely!!


Be prepared to look at this from an entirely different angle! P66

"Dont Crack up
Bend your brains
See both sides
Throw of your mental chains
Woo hoo hoo!!

New Song

We had to ask ourselves why we shouldn´t apply to our human problems this same readiness to change our point of view. We were having trouble with personal relationships, we couldn´t control our emotional natures, we were a prey to misery and depression, we couldn´t make a living, we had a feeling of uselessness, we were full of fear, we were unhappy, we couldn´t seem to be of real help to other people-was not a basic solution of these bedevilments more important than whether we should see newsreels of lunar flight? Of course it was.

When we saw others solve their problems by a simple reliance upon the Spirit of the Universe, we had to stop doubting the power of God. Our ideas did not work. But the God idea did.

When we saw others solve their problems by a simple reliance upon the Spirit of the Universe, we had to stop doubting the power of God. Our ideas did not work. But the God idea did.

Restraint of tongue and pen
do whats required not what I think eeds doing
pray loads
take inventory
pray loads
stop worrying

We began to see that the world and its people really dominated us. In that state, the wrong-doing of others, fancied or real, had power to actually kill. How could we escape? We saw that these resentments must be mastered, but how? We could not wish them away any more than alcohol.P66

Dont sit at home feeling restless irritable and discontented
Go and get you hair cut
Go to a meeting
share your experience
ask for help
show yourREALself in good times and challenging times
There is scarcely any form of trouble and misery which has not been overcome among us. P15
without my pride
listen to what tools are out there that I have forgotten TODAY
and receive strength from a strong AA meeting
receive guidance
do whats suggested

Read working with others
keep praying

Came out of the meeting
and ROARED very loudly!! (like a lion)
God i needed that
have you tried roaring?
trying it
its much more healing than a scream
in fact i dont think I could summon a scream
ROARING like a lion is far cooler!!
if you get it right
it comes from the solar plexis
it felt that good
I did it again
much to the amusement of
myself and others
yeh we laughed!

Sponsor - "if this makes you do more praying..."
yeh i know... thats a good thing!

Thursday, September 04, 2008

Paulo Coelho - The second cardinal virtue: Hope

The Warrior of Light Issue 180

The second cardinal virtue: Hope
According to the dictionary: a tendency of the spirit to consider something as probable; the second of the theological virtues; expectation; supposition; probability.

In the words of Jesus: Look at the wild birds. They do not sow or reap, or store their food in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more account than they? But which of you with all his worry can add a single hour to his life? Why should you worry about clothing? See how the wild flowers grow. They do not toil or spin, and yet I tell you, Solomon in all his splendor was never dressed like one of them. But if God so beautifully dresses the wild grass, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not so much more surely clothe you, you who have so little faith? (Matthew, 6: 26-30)

For the ancient Greeks: In one of the classic myths of the Creation, one of the gods, furious at the fact that Prometheus stole fire and in doing so gave men their independence, sends Pandora to marry her brother Epimetheus. Pandora brings along a box, which she is forbidden to open. However, just as happens to Eve in the Christian myth, her curiosity gets the better of her: she raises the lid to see what is inside, and at this moment all the troubles of the world spill out and spread all over the Earth. Only one thing remains inside: Hope, the only arm to combat the misfortune that has scattered throughout the world.

The four greatest hopes of humanity:
1] The coming of the Messiah (in the case of Christianism, the return of Christ; in the case of Islam and Judaism, the first coming); 2] the cure of cancer; 3] the discovery of extraterrestrial life; and 4] world peace. (Source: research on the most hoped-for newspaper headlines, 1996)
A real story: At the age of five, Glenn Cunninghan (1909-1988) suffered serious burns to the legs, and the doctors had no hopes for his recovery. They all felt that he was condemned to spend the rest of his life in a wheelchair.
Glenn Cunningham paid no attention to the doctors and got out of bed the following week.
“The doctors saw my legs but they did not see my heart. Now I’m going to run faster than anyone.”
In 1934 he beat the 1500-meter world record with the time of 4 minutes and 6 seconds. He was paid homage in Madison Square Garden as Athlete of the Century.

In a Hassidic story (Jewish tradition): At the end of the forty days of deluge, Noah emerged from the Ark. He disembarked full of hope, lit some incense, looked around him, and all he saw was destruction and death. Noah cried out:
"Lord Almighty, if you knew the future, why did you create man? Just for the pleasure of punishing him?"

A triple perfume rose to the sky: the incense, the perfume of Noah’s tears, and the aroma of his actions. Then came the answer:
"The prayers of a just man are always heard. Let me tell you why I did this: so that might understand your work. You and your descendants will use hope and will always be rebuilding a world that came from nothing. In that way we shall share the work and the consequences: now we are both responsible."

The individual’s four greatest hopes:
1] Meeting the beloved one; 2] being free of financial problems; 3] being free of sickness; 4] immortality. (Source: Irving Wallace, The Book of Lists, 1977)

Hoping to be remembered: The great Caliph Alrum Al-Rachid decided to build a palace that would mark the grandeur of his reign. Besides the chosen terrain stood a shack. Al-Rachid asked his minister to convince the owner – an old weaver – to sell it to be demolished. The minister tried, but without any success. Back at the palace, it was suggested that they simply expel the old man from the site.
“No,” answered Al-Rachid. “It will become part of my legacy to my people. When they see the palace, they will say: he was great. And when they see the shack, they will say: he was just, because he respected the desire of others.”

(next Warrior of Light Online Love)

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

A look at the alcoholic in your organization is many times illuminating. Is he not usually brilliant, fast-thinking, imaginative and likable? p139

A look at the alcoholic in your organization is many times illuminating. Is he not usually brilliant, fast-thinking, imaginative and likable? When sober, does he not work hard and have a knack of getting things done? P139 P140

I am sure the reading one night
P417-P418 Big Book 4th edition
And acceptance is the answer...
absolutely was a turning point.. my admission
of powerlessness and unmanageabilityP59
at the beginning was the start of my recovery
is still a key tool in my daily living today

I have accepted
a) I am "at risk" of redundancy
b) That I am actually useful and effective in the workplace P139/140
c) Many people agree & like me P139/140 I am a text book case!
d) I have a better than average chance of staying
e) I am to continue to do what I do until I know
f) Our business has taken its own inventory P64 its not personal
g) Its about me being pro active not reactive
h) There is no place for loafers in a credit crunch
i) I have to be selfish
h) I must also be selfless
j) They used the words
"for some this will be a turning point"P59
in the bad news speak "especially for me" haha
h) praying works
i) restraint of tongue and pen is essential (12x12)
f) honesty is essential P13
g) willingness P13 & flexibility is essential
h) openmindedness is essential (Faith) P13
i) I am now properly armed with the facts about myselfP18 (in the workplace)
and my evidence if valuable assets/skills
which I HAVE learned/gained/worked for
over the last 25 years, though previously brought
any "success" crashing down P123 on top of me whilst drinking
unable to manage maintaining and growing any position
j) I could keep quiet and not blog til its over just incase
I get ousted and then I wouldnt have to tell you I could just
say I was let go, BUT I cant! its slothful
so i will try to show you
how it works in my life whichever way it goes..., and at the same
time evidence to myself (and you)
that it is a design for living
even in rough going
h) I went into shock Monday, mixed with all of the above
i) my body is reacting though my mind and spirit are strong
j) 6-10pm Monday night phone service
followed by no sleep, so I went to the
6am big book meeting (It was up to page 8 Bills Story
you know where it talks of disater in the finacial areas
and people jumping from skyscrapers...
there are no coincidences!!
followed immediately
by the 7.30am city meeting Tuesday morning
and was at work by 8.40am...
yes I slept really well Tuesday night!
k) I have to be gentle with myself H.A.L.T.
though keep on at the same time
awareness of physical needs are essential
l) I have been praying for his Words not mine
and His Will and the Power to carry it out
m) Its my responsibility to pick up the tools and use them
n) Working with others (suffering/floundering with the news)
is essential (it helps me!)
o) God provides me with all the answers I need in his time
p) I have quit the debating society infact I didnt join (12x12)
q) Praying for people works P67
r) AA meetings are a huge rock and a cuddly oak tree P152
s) 2.5 hours yoga was exactly what I needed tonight
t) I am negotiating a sale and a purchase and will be
moving to the seaside in the next 6 weeks P164
u) My job will change in the next 4 weeks P164
w) I am starting Uni 3 evening a week in 4 weeks P164
x) I am pre-mentual for a bit longer
y) I have not wanted to drink or die
z) God doesnt give me more than I can handle EVER
Our Big Book rocks doesnt it!!

I forgot there was a word verification thing on my comments
its now off!

and I am still amazed that a brief conversation with my
sponsor about by frustration at work
resulted in me praying lots sunday evening
I didnt know about Monday then... not being a psychic yet!
things could have been very different
I had not made that call to her
or those prayers!
and NOT restrained my tongue!
until God had given me the go ahead when he was ready

Why dont i talk to her more often? I still ask myself
because the tools work on everything
She does not know everything and she doesnt have power
pride and arrogance at times cause me to delay
Self will

Oh well... its a complete turnaround
from how it used to be
no longer over reliant and needy :)

And the government increased the stamp duty threshold today! hoorah
right i'm off to bed

Monday, September 01, 2008

Step 3 again...

someone moved the furniture
yet again at work
without my permission
in a roundabout way
I have got what I wanted...

yes we always get what we want
if we ask earnestly
although not always
wrapped in the paper of our choosing

Much step 3 to he done
much restraint of tongue and pen
much patience
much blind faith
much continuing Gods will

Thy will not mine be done!

Thank God for telephone phone service
and the 3 legacies
thats what I say!

and thank you Molly
for reminding me about the hurricane
its put my stuff in perspective!

My Prayers are out there
with the millions of others
for all affected by
and anyone in the storm path!