Thursday, September 25, 2008

No Projecting - Self will run riot!

See I purposely didnt mention
symptoms or what I think it could be
or whether I agree with any test
for what it could be
it doesnt matter what I think
it matters what I know
and today I dont know

Thank you for your Care

today I am paying attention
to what my body is telling me
or revealing to me
I am realising
that there are a few more symptoms
I have been "ignoring"
or not linking up
that i need to mention in my phone call
Self awareness
Step 1 stuff
or is it Step 10!


Yeh man I am afraid
and at the same time have faith

Mentally I am thinking about that
thing that when a person is about to die
they often get closer to God
I see moving towards Gods Will and Good
moving towards perfection
which is different to a none obstacle ridden life
which is part of the process

I mentioned a little while back that
if Get what want wil I then die?
all my dreams are coming true
I dreamed of doing the degree
I dreamed of a beach house
I dreamed of having a garden
I am getting it
so will I die when I have perfection?
well my idea of perfetion?
its a weird thought process I am going here

Its reminded me of when I was doing step 1 and 2
and I could not imagine how it would be
if I could manage and excel in all the stuff
I found to be unmanageable when I drank
and in early.. recovery
it scared me to think that I would ever get any of these things
so often self will and fear wanted me not to proceed
to turn away from Care
I assumed I would be given this new manageability
to deal with overnight
with the tools of a newcomer
I was given everything
ALL in Gods time
and ALL the tools I have been given
as and when I have needed them
in the right order
except I am different
I have a confidence thesedays
that unshakeable faith amongst the fear
that really blows my mind at times
that I have to smile and gives me
huge happiness and tears of joy
anything is possible
if I do the footwork
and its Gods will not mine!

So here I am again
I learned before
that to die does not mean to stop breathing
it can mean letting go of old ideas
old thinking
old me
and letting in whatever is to become
open minded
open heart
having faith thats a blind and evidenced faith
God doesnt give me anything I cant handle
self will, pride and fear does

Ok i'm off to eat
finish off a job
make a start on another and then
then focus on my breathing
in a yoga position!

Me Me Me

1 comment:

Syd said...

You sound better today. Glad that you are taking care of yourself. I need to start doing pilates or yoga for my back.