keeping on

Its all abit different these days
A new freedom has come upon me
In the last month or so
another layer off the onion

God has led me into the desert
And the temptations have been upon me
The Spiritual Tool kit works
in extreme's

I've been to the edge
and there was no drink to be seen
no drink to get drunk on
just the edge and two choices

which is the most dangerous
at the edge with no drink
or at the edge with a drink to get drunk on
three choices

unfamiliar territory
in God land
had now become familiar
time to enjoy

relationships
its all about
relationships
communication
understanding

and hills
which hills to climb
which hills to climb and knowingly be slain on
which to climb in search of the promised land

Sober and grateful
time to find and maintain
the gratitude
smile and enjoy life

I can not be as serious as
2014/2015
bring back the uncontrollable laughter
in amongst lifes challenges

Half alive is not an option any more
Right size the fire extinguishers
Keep on asking, waiting, listening and doing
Just 'kin do it

... Honesty .... Honestly

its not just newcomers
Its old timers aswell
Destroyed without picking up a drink
AA is not a dating agency
AA is not a cure
12 steps are not just something to
Read and understand
This way of life is not a theory
We have to live it

Watching and listening
How co dependency
Or the belief that human power
Can relieve alcoholism
And the breaking of anonimity
And sexual obsession
weaves its threads
And eats away at whats been built

Sadly it reflects the importance
Of continue to be honest
Maintain
And grow
Change
In all our life areas
Dont just stop when alcohol
Obsession stops
We can be better in all areas

Programme of Action

Last week

Went into Meditation
Listening
and Prayer time
speaking
With God a I understand Him

Prompted to write a gratitude list
thats it?

next day
Huge wave of sadness and loss
unclear exactly what

next day
feelings of loss
feelings of change
not sure what still

next day
heart broken
soul unprotected
soul told me what it needed
soul told me what I was/nt doing
I heard what I needed to hear

and did what I needed to do

Its about
honesty
willingness
openminded
humility

raw, naked, vulnerable
and turned up breathing the next day
and started on a new footing
more honest again
this is about me
my actions and motives

Keep on Keeping on
programme of action
not thinking

do not delay

yeh its raw and hurts
and punctures my ego
but nothing like
the continual misery and hopelessness
I used to feel

this recovering emotional cripple
is getting cooked

I still cant quite believe
the chain of events last week
internal shift and external I suppose

The age of miracles is till with us p153

Growing pains
:)

frrrrreeeeezin here

72 Hours after - racing round the the hole in the sand

Am telling you
there are no coincidences
why people are put in our paths
I feel so blessed at times
completely humbled and ungrateful
because I overlook
how much I have been helped
and how much better it is
to be honest
not vague

the hole in the sand
I have been racing round
I realise I have been protecting
the part of me that was crushed
and disabled at an early age
to such an extent that it
never stood a chance
it had no choice
I just bin protecting
guarding
building a fortress round it
and hoping for a miracle
waiting for my love to find
the soul it can be free with

Spending time recently with
special needs people has given me
an insight into how amazing
joyeous and loved and accepted
yeh a challenge at times aswell
I am sure

Special needs are
there are parts of us
human race and us ourselves

Special needs require
time, patience, love
nurturing, space, support
strength, awareness
listening,
we need other feedback to guide us
above in italics are not my words
but it really hit home

I feel upset when I see someone
being treated less than
protected, unable to try
miss opportunities
be treated differently
so why to I inflict all this
on a part of me that is special needs?
perhaps because I had no idea
that I was until today

Happy joyeous & free?
hmm not for this special needs part of me
Freedom would be finding out
asking for the truth
if the chemistry set appears to be out
and then exploring what unfolded
dealing with it piece by piece
regardless of whether
I read it right or wrong
not sitting wondrin
if this part of me will ever
know how freedom feels

Today I saw face to face
that I shut down
I dont wont explore
intimacy or what appears to be
intimacy when its not clear
whether its real or fiction
and I wont find out
through fear of getting vulnerable
rejected, abandoned
I have no idea how to
yet I did today
exploring a situation
rather clumsily though honestly
with an extremely patient saint
who I feel I tried the patience of!
came to see what i do/did/am doing
will not ask for clarity
fear of rejection
ego puncture
abandonment
so I just carry on
not knowing the truth and wondrin
and this disabled part of me
kind of waves, gagged up
shrugs and goes back to sleep again
feeling lost and ignored
unworthy and unable

what happened to my faith in
Keep on the firing line of life with
these motives and God will keep you unharmed P102
well I just never applied it to this
because I didnt know was my problem was

Am tellin you
I am knackered
didnt do much work today
as mind elsewhere
in virtual counselling session
in and out of tears
clumsily picking through
honestly and carefully
feeling gratitude to my mate!
yet fearful now, I got so raw

yet on the way home
I stopped off and spoke with
a friend I needed to clarity
on some comments he had made
which I needed to know the truth about
as our friendship could change
depending on what he meant
I went and asked him
he told me
and I pray
this is how its done
he was glad I had asked
I was glad I could ask
I was glad I could open up
get raw, vulnerable
and get it wrong :-D
wrong as in not the outcome
my loneliness part of me wanted
yet right in the where we are now
because it could really
have complicated everything
then I would have had to learn
how to have a relationsip!!!!
awwwwww noooo not yet.... ;D

practice practice
get into the habit of asking
I dont want to live not knowing
I want honest relationships
not blurry edges
I want to accept people as they are
and be accepted
that doesnt mean I dont care attitude
that means most people I meet thesedays
and I include myself in this
are at various stages of
problems
recovery
change
maintenence
enjoyment
in all walks of life
so I guess it means
getting real and open to grow
letting other get real
and somehow fitting in together
i dunno

Gone through varous extremes this week
including I dont want live anymore...
which indicates I reached a turning point

I am grateful to my teacher, listener
helper, guide, friend, spirit, God
who each helped

whats tomorrow?
I dunno, I am afraid tho... !

The day after - racing round the edge of the hole in the sand

I felt a huge wave of loss
stuff like
babies
pregnancy
mum (mine)
intimacy
what is it
what isnt it
why
why not
relationship
fiction and real
and blurred edges
why
why not
Hows it all feel?

Cried myself to sleep
hasnt happened for a while
need to happen
it happened

Conversation with God
is like loooking into the eyes
of an owl 12 inches away
I cant lie to it
it looks right into my soul
and knows whats going on
it dont say a word
it doesnt need to
even when I dont or wont look
It has a way of loosening the denial
even when I dont know there is any
then its my job to do some work



She held her own an awesome prescence!!

Contemplation .... Meditation ..... Improve conscious contact Step 11

As i sit for almost an hour
In contemplation meditation
Thoughts come and go
Maybe i should changes to
Do i need to do this God?
A real dialogue takes place
And although this evening
I dont get much back
I feel a real sense
Of knowing that
Being willing to make time
Real quiet time
Me a candle and the Spirit of the Universe
No external distractions
I get a answer to my Forheadache
Dehydrated?
I drink water
The headache goes
I hear so much going round
In my head yet
Nothing much to go on paper
Which leads me to ask
Is this exactly how its meant to be?
Is that why i am not
Feeling, selfish, dishonest, fearful?
My weakness's are apparant
As are my strengths
My friends know my weaknesses
And each respond or not with them
In their own ways
My friends know my strengths
And each respond or not with them
In their own ways
Its lovely really that 
I can be extremely
Vulnerable and strong
And each person is the same
Equal, not above or below
Equal, not powerful or weaker
Learning to remain equal
Yet also have my weaknessss
And strengths on show
At the same time
Yet different strenths and weakness
in diffent areas Of my life!!
Good grief!!! Raw.. Roar!!

Although i pray and listen
Through the day
I havent sat quietly purposefully
and had A conversation with God
Hand in hand with the Spirit of the universe
For so long
Just me and Him
There's no wrestling tonight God
Although it would be nice if 
You said something...!!

"i did Johno, i have been responding
Yet its been so long since you
Sat like this and chatted with me
that you have
Begun to think 
these are all your
Own Thoughts
thoughts from
The centre of yourself
Self centred ;-D"

God you are such a comedian
Sometimes, i forget
I nearly wrote them words again..

"well write them Johno... Because
Its true... "

Yeh God, i need to do this more!!
How often must you hear those words
In all contexts, not just prayer
People, experience growth, love
Something that needs doing more
And we know it...? You know it!!

"yes Johno, but this conversation
Is not about other people
This is about you and me isnt it?"

Yeh it is, so i come out of this
Without clear direction of
What needs changing
Or what am doing wrong..

"well do you think today
There is something more important
I have in mind for you? Else
Why did you start writing?"

Mmm capture some gratitude
I can worry about the fact
I have nothing to worry about
And i can analyse until
Blood comes out of a stone..

"johno, now that i would like to see ;-)"

:-D

I am grateful for...
Warmth
Nice carpet to sit on
Cumfy cushions
Candlelight
Silence
Quiet neighboirs
My cat
My Devon friends
My church family
My AA friends
My own family
Health, physical health
Making a call to my gran
Keeping it simple while she is grieving
Asking for prayers for my uncle
Asking for prayers for my dad
Asking for prayers for my 2nd cousin
For the job which pays my bills
For the job which provides more than bills
For enjoying work today!
For my car
For not having to stand in the cold
For a warm train
For ipod
For podcasts to listen to when i have tired eyes
For my sight
For my hearing
Being able to love
Being able to feel love
For opportunity
For doors that close

For the gift of singing
For the gift of songwriting
For the gift of music
For words that come together
For meaningful sentences
For not understanding why people die
Of cancer Yet not blaming You
For a reminder that i do not know
When my expiry date is
For a comfy bed
For a softening heart
For a soul that i can hear these days
For a soul i am beginning to take care of
For a soul that takes care of me

For being sober and ! Sane :-D
For a sense of humour
For experiencing Grace
For acknowledging Grace
For feeling humble and grateful
For not knowing what i did to deserve all this and feeling blessed
For everyone who had a hand in me being here today
For insights my own and others
For experiences good and challenging
For not regretting the past no more
For understanding my loneliness
For loving my weaknesses 
For Mumford & Sons my latest inspirational music!!
For being taught by the most ramdom people
For receiving and passing on...
For being selfless and selfish
For being faithful and fearful
For being loving and kind aswell as ego filled
For feeling glad to have written this down
For a Spirit that lives in me and connects me with others so easily thesedays
Thank you :-)

"nice"

Yeh you are

":-)"

X

"XX"

xxx

":-D xxxx come back soon and sit awhile
Johno, we should do this more"

:-)

Ps you know this hole dug in sand
That i am running round the edge of
Which feels like the edge could give way of
Any minute?

"yes"

How do i not fall in?

"stop running so close to the edge? And why you are running round and round it so close to the edge, like some nutter?"

Because i like it...

"hmm sober and ! sane u said Johno... thank God i am here! Oh... I am God! Ah well, keep coming back Johno... Love ya"

Love u too God :-) am glad i can come back to you and u keep it simple for me, no religeon, no nothing, just u n me

"i know what u need when u need it Johno" enough now... Now  go and pray for those who need prayers this evening, because you can

ok, and i notice how thick the snow is falling now and 2 hours went by !!!

The Shack - WM. Paul Young

Reading this book
Is bringing me closer
Because I want to?
Yes
Because I am?
Yes
I have seen mum as being
Somewhere good
Yer I have never seen
Her with Jesus
Being happy to be eith him
Only looking at heaven as
A good or better reflection
Of here on earth
Yet in heaven I see her
In relationship with Jesus
Ultimately in love with love
Loved, someone she runs to
For a hug
Without sarcasm
Soo loving
Who spends time with her
Gives her what she needs
Embrace, no strings
Never wants from her
Never cruel, never unfaithful
Always kind
And fir wendy
Her baby
She gets to be with wendy
To see her grow up
To play
To be free, unjudged
Not disabled
Not less than
Full if laughter
She too has been with Jesus
Fir a long time
He has been her father 
And her mother
Everything she needed
He provided fir her
More than she could ever want
Is she still a child
A baby? 
I don't know?
I don't know?
I can imagine that mum
Would pray for my peace
For all our peace
I can imagine that mum
Would want me to know
She is okay, more than ok
I know she is ok if she is
With Jesus
The journey she made
Is now forgotten
She lives in her present
Not in the suffering of her past
Her courage
I can imagine her
Praying with jesus
Praying for us, for me
For peace, my peace
Wrapped up in a beautuful
Colours of the holy spirit
Creator of natural beauty
Protector of the outside
And reliever of pain
The would have talked
On the journey
Made it comfortable
From this world to heaven
I am sure
And as she drew further
From here and nearer to
Heaven, her pain dispersed
And love and peace remained
I love that she would pray
With Jesus for me
I know that she would do this
I know
I pray with Jesus for mum
He prays with mum fur me
I have read this book in less than 
24 hours
And cried most of the way
Through it
It's mothers day aswell
So it's God timing really :)
All is good that brings
Me peace around my mum
Or is it being around my mum
Brings me peace and is good?
Or my mum is good and her
Being around me brings me peace?
All of them :)
Am grateful 

Maybe good Maybe bad

I went for Physio yesterday
feeling yet again that this will never end
more exersizes
no real end insight
slight improvement
I have been here before
and wondering again
whats the plan in store for me
accepting and trusting
even though i don't like
this slowness that I am forced
to take as the result of
physical disability
with no real resolution ahead

I sat on the beach after
and counted a few blessings
watching the kitesurfers
reflecting on how much I wanted to
learn this and still do
yet I wonder how different this last
12 months is likely to have been
had my physical health been
sufficient to give me the confidence
and strength to undertake this
strenuous, and very exciting extreme sport?

I watched them out there
at one with the wind and the water
slightly envious yet seeing the
isolation of the sport
you and the elements nature
whilst you are out there with others
its not a team or socially interactive
except probably off piste!

I know that although God brought me
away from all that I know
he didnt want me alone
he showed me the Salvation Army
and gave me a church family

Had I had my way from the start
I would have learned Kitesurfing
and spent most weekends and energy
learning and surfing
all summer I THINK! nah I KNOW!
I believe that if I had pushed myself
I could have still learned
yet through prayers
Thy will not mine
I have been led around a different path
and I am glad that I have

Its likely that I wouldnt have
developed the friendships I have at church
started and lead a hobby group
build a relationship with my pastor
get involved with volunteering in the kitchen
go regularly on Sundays
be present in mind when I attend and take part
be willing to be led in where God wants of me
try new things
read the bible in a disciplined fashion
develop my relationship with jesus
help develop others relationship with Jesus
lead a weekly bible study
be willing to listen to what others see in me
consider a role within church
consider Christianity this seriously
physically I have spent more time locally
at home with cat
being a neighbour
slowing down
acting - my age!
listening to the silence
listening for that still small yet very firm voice
that I hear so often

self will
I could have done all of the above
but most would have been on a superficial level
it would have got in the way
its un likely I would be this involved at church
and enjoying it (mostly!!)
like i am
if i have taken up kitesurfing
I would have got what I wanted
who knows I may still get it

See Gods plan I can see its not ruled out
its just a not yet

A physical handicap
may not get me what I wanted
but I am glad that God gave me what I needed
and I feel blessed

weak yet strong

see so when I say that I doubt
what I know and believe
When I am growing along spiritual lines
I am forced to challenge that which
I know to be true YESTERDAY
and change, let go of ideas
that are not working in the present
forced to look at my motives
beliefs, feelings, everything
over and over again
and let go of the deadwood
i learned this in step 5

God wants me back to my purest state
the way he created us in Genesis
how can I rebel and follow my own will
self seeking, pleasure etc
it will not sustain me long term

the spiritual life is about
growing up
letting go of instant gratification
works first
and whatever comes after

At times however
because there seems so much work to do
on myslef and for/with others
I have to work at lightening up!

Step 11 - Be quick to see where religious people are right. Make use of what they offer. p87

I "was too judgemental
scared and self willed
to really be open minded"

since going through the steps
I have come to believe in a Loving God
who wants the best for me
which really turned things around

however living as a human
living in the world
not in a bubble/meetings/convent/own head
long term
I need more than a Spirit

I need a role model
which is where I let go of old ideas
let go of judgment
let go of self will
became openminded
and no longer afraid
of turning my life over
and my will
becoming part of
showing all of me
standing up
RECOVERY

I have a role model
and I am building a relationship
with Him
apparantly it can last forever
and I will never be let down

so I am giving Him ago
testing Him

Reading praying and in fellowship
having fun, playing guitar
beach antics
BBQs and bacon butties!
at the same time

its new
yet I need something
thats everlasting
and proven to help many
and there is no reason
why He shouldnt work for me aswell
as I am working for Him

where i found Him
bizarrely
on the edge of the world
in an on the edge church
worldwide known for social action
welcomes alkys and addicts
unceremoniously
SERVICE

my kind a Home
my kind of family
my kind of imperfect
loving friends
with a Loving God
as we understand him
Unity

Keep coming back
til it stops working :)

Step 11 - Grace

Moving away, health
meant a change in lifestyle
letting go of self will
in the guise of
"this is how I always did it
and it worked before, so i just
do it somehwre else and it will work too.."
wrong, this time
it wouldnt work

I have spent the last 6 months
improving my conscious contact
with God as I would like to understand Him
growing a personal relationship
and really was too judgemental
scared and self willed
to really be open minded

I am sober/serene/at peace to whatever degree
and at this point
by the grace of God
not because of my service in AA
in the last 6 months

Letting go absolutely
Its in dying that we are born...

.... must believe-that the body of the alcoholic is quite as abnormal as his mind. Dr's Opinion

Fear and Love do not live in the same moment
Life and death do not live in the same moment
where there is fear there is no love
where there is love there is no fear
where there is life there is no death
where there is death there is no life

I live each day with thoughts of death
more than one a day
I do
I used to think this was a weakness
not working my programme
mental
suicidal
now I see it as a part of me

I live each day with thoughts of good things to come
more than one a day
I do
natural
living
now I see it as a part of me

I also see that they come and they go
the death negative fear thoughts
they come and they go
and they come again and they go
the more I pray when they come
the less time they hang around

the more change and action and progress i make
the more they come and with them fear
the more prayer and doing Gods will I do
the more progress I make the more fear comes
the more I rely on Gods will
the more progress I make
into unknown territory
out of what my mind knows or even had thought about
beyond zebra... past Zee
out of my comfort zone
any lengths

I wonder at the moment
how long I have to live with these great Powers within
and whether at somepoint one will overcome the other
I really hope Love will conquer all
At times its exhausting
At times I really am sick of this
At times I just want to take a pill and zone out
Though really I dont!
Being chronically self centred
I am fascinated by the way I am
and what I am becoming
I am more accepting of who I am
than I have ever been
and more willing to work with god
to become what he wants
because 99% of the time thesedays I KNOW its gonna be good
And I am having a really good time
them thoughts no longer hold me back
take away my humour, humanness
though they damn well try!!

Although what I am experiencing is
its not what I do that makes it go away
its the prayer
its the acceptance
its the turning towards
its accepting Love is the answer
in those Mind Games



This is who I am
In your hands God
to do with me as thou wilt
show me my part
and give me the power
to carry it out!

Anylengths
what? where did YOU come from?
Reminding ourselves that we have decided to go to any lengths to find a spiritual experience, we ask that we be given strength and direction to do the right thing, no matter what the personal consequences may be.
Its on Page 79
Lots a love
God

Its true

Asked sponsor for help
she knows and I know
This programme works
she wouldnt tell me!
she knows I know!
I know
how do I know
because I have tried over and over
and the transformation in me
is enough evidence
yet
i doubt!
so when I dont get what I want
from a human I trust
I know its time to pray
and trust God who gives me everything I want
and a glimpse into consequences and all
just before I make choices
inventory regularly
is one of the greatest gifts I have ever been given
as is prayer
and the willingness to get honest
to self another and God
regardless

pray
take inventory
pray
help newcomers
anylengths
stop self obsession
turn attention to usefulness
ask God to help you if you cant
get out of your head
it took some drastic action
and felt like ripping elastoplast off my whole body
but I feel a sense of freedom from
the bondage of self

Take inventory
pray for the people on it THEY ARE SICK TOO (like me)
pray for the defects to be removed
ask for forgiveness
ask what corrective measures need to be made
pray for the power to carry it out
and go to any lengths

it will stop the scheming
it will stop the self obsession
it will move you into becoming
something unrecognisable at times
but very much better than you were!

you will be amazed before you are half way through
the week

I am

Grateful

I want that complete trust
that restraint
i have to be willing to trust aswell
or it dont work
i am

no steps no change no sober (old timer stuart)
no change no peace
no stillness no peace
no god no peace
know god know peace (someonelses words)

and i went to a carol service

spent time in home group
got honest with a human (sponsor) and God
knowing there is more I need to say
Sick as your secrets
and resentments ARE the number 1 offender
fear being the corroding thread...

Dont worry seems to be the 2 words
I most need to hear at the moment
as they are being said over and over
I must look and appear worried
I am fearful
its the same!

I went to a meeting last night
then across the road to a AA function
live band
noisy, too noisy for me
am i really quieter all over
is this how its going to be?
a random woman stoppped and asked me
if i had read the power of now
and said she would ring me later meaning after 10.30pm!
I said no...I'd rather she didnt
is she crazy or am i

went to a carol service today
it was so lovely
the church I am considering joining
makes mistakes
the song sheets are in the wrong order
the minister gets his words wrong
stuff is spelled wrong
but you know
I love it
and it loves me!
children singing
and the nativity... little shepherds!
and angels
soooo cute!
and different bands and musicians
i like it
its real, imperfect and lovely
i think I could grow old with this fellowship
I asked a really old lady how long
she had been coming, she said since she was born
thats a really long time!
every night they used to come and do things
a long time ago
I wish it could be like that now

I was saying to my sponsor
that nothing seems to make any sense
and all material seems purposeless at the minute
all I want to do is go to church
and learn about God
yes go to work
but not study
just do simple stuff
i dont know whats going on
I left her yesterday
strengthened by her belief

its like everythings going round me
at a million miles an hour
and I am standing in the middle
nothings touching me
skimming the surface
nothing has any depth
and I have no will to try
i just want stillness
and to learn about my creator
that I want
is this a distraction a short term thing
will this fulfill
will God fill the God shaped hole?

I stood outside last night
and looked at all the stars
I enjoyed the sunshine today
I like the freshness and the warmth

I loved the love in the carol service
yet... afterwards I felt apart

How long will

Johno
Be still and know that I am God

what?

Be still and dont worry...

and then 2 - 12 steps calls came through...
from the phone office
there are suffering alkies out there
drinking & dying



Time to let go absolutely
Have a safe and funfilled Christmas and 2009!

ordinary living

not sure
where I am at
So I am not saying very much at the moment
just doing the actions
in all areas
not really thinking
much

back to prayer
and learning who God is!
and how he lived and died

part of me is feeling peaceful
and part of me is standing with the challenge
faith is huge
I know that I can make it (with You)
though theyre doing me wrong
something inside is strong
and prayer is keeping me strong inside
keeping the light shining brightly
though it flickers and almost snuffs out (it feels)
even when though outside seems hard and emotionless
yet really it is burning steadily
even when I dont think it is
something inside so strong
IT IS

is this for real? yes
in whose name?


faith and prayer
allows me to do things with dignity
i have no idea why I am being asked
to do these things
gonna do it anyway

Home is where the heart is

and I am powerless
usually I know except today
I am not sure of the difference between
surrendering
giving up
letting go
avoiding
procrastinating
unwillingness

perhaps they are all the same
depending on the motives
motives usually makes all the difference

praying
reading & meditation
improving conscious contact

The answers will come

I know that He will find me ...

Dougie Maclean - she will find me


Dougie Maclean - she will find me
Although I an running recklessly
I know that He will find me

sometimes we search to deep
thats when the darkness feeds our fear
we turn away from one and another
just incase we get to near

I know that He will find me
even though i hiding with the shadows that I chase
even though I am running blindly
I know that He will find me

Its time to stop running
backing off
and stand still
see what happens
turn towards
face the light
open eyes
head up
walk on

:)

enough now
time for some action
am I serious or not
I had to prove by action I was serious about recovery
action meant written work!
I have to prove I am serious about improving my conscious contact

If not members of religious bodies, we sometimes select and memorize a few set prayers which emphasize the principles we have been discussing. There are many helpful books also. Suggestions about these may be obtained from one’s priest, minister, or rabbi. Be quick to see where religious people are right. Make use of what they offer. p87

i have

We never apologize to anyone for depending upon our Creator. We can laugh at those who think spirituality the way of weakness. Paradoxically, it is the way of strength. The verdict of the ages is that faith means courage. All men of faith have courage. They trust their God. We never apologize for God. Instead we let Him demonstrate, through us, what He can do. We ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be. At once, we commence to outgrow fear. p68

i will

somethings happened
a spiritual experience
somethings starting to feel
like its penetrating
where it needs to be
in my heart
its taking time
and willingness
and much pain
the battle inside me
is massive
and much turmoil
big storm
and I am being
tossed around
though
I feel a strength
a powerful hand of God
there
here
every time I get struck
from onside or another
somehow
somehow
the flimsy reed i imagined it was
is really all powerful
3 dimensional
4th dimensional even!
always is
i know
i feel
i love

you know I dont think I have cried
as much as I have this year
its exhausting
but must be necessary
or i would hold back
and resist!
I cant any more
it just comes
am powerless
crying most weeks
not every day
challenges
changes
the truth
coming up left right and centre
too hard to keep track of

Last night I let go
absolutely
today I changed
or is it really
today I came to accept
came to believe
what you already know to be true

ok i'm off to read
show willing

Knowing Gods will is not enough - action is required to carry it out

First Step
We tend to see things not as they are but as we are.
Becoming quiet and simple inside is a first step to seeing things truly.

From Inner Space

yes the bus outside has squeaky brakes and its annoying me
no the bus outside has squeaky brakes regardless
of whether I am here or not
its not doing it to annoy me
everyone in the vicinity can also hear it
its not personal

yes The forms I am filling in
are really tedious and hard to sit and do
no the forms are standard forms
they are not tedious and hard
because they are not a familiar activity to me
they are just forms
silent pieces of paper with printing on them
not dangerous or emotionally disturbing
everyone fills them going through this process
its not personal

yes people will judge me
question me
say things which I see to be untrue
in relation to me which I take as critic
not accepting
not encouraging

regarding the bus
well ear plugs
or just tune out like i do mostly

regarding the forms
start at the beginning and fill them
in step by step
then send them off
its part of the process

regarding people
its not personal!
its just their perception
of how I appear to them
I do it too
judge others
not react enthusiastic
sometimes, while things get processed
in my head
I must do... I am human
like you

self will... self centredness
I dont want things to be how they are
these things a deliberatly meant/sent
to try me
its all too hard...
I dont want to...
I cant..
all dishonest

see I dont have to do any of this!
we make our own misery
or we can see it as the character building stuff
that following things through
being responsible carries
which ultimately leads to the joys
and freedom

And Acceptance is the answer
This is where will power is required
inorder to follow through to Gods will
it doesnt say
get the promises and then
keep taking inventory
keep praying for forgiveness
and intuition
and then do nothing with it
does it?
nah once you know
its more action!
step 12 action inside and outside the room

It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God’s will into all of our activities. “How can I best serve Thee-Thy will (not mine) be done.” These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our will power along this line all we wish. It is the proper use of the will.

Much has already been said about receiving strength, inspiration, and direction from Him who has all knowledge and power. If we have carefully followed directions, we have begun to sense the flow of His Spirit into us. To some extent we have become God-conscious. We have begun to develop this vital sixth sense. But we must go further and that means more action.P85

On awakening let us think about the twenty-four hours ahead. We consider our plans for the day. Before we begin, we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives. Under these conditions we can employ our mental faculties with assurance, for after all God gave us brains to use. Our thought-life will be placed on a much higher plane when our thinking is cleared of wrong motives.p86

We alcoholics are undisciplined. So we let God discipline us in the simple way we have just outlined. But this is not all. There is action and more action. “Faith without works is dead.” P88

Slow down your moving too fast...

I went to yoga last night
we are working on my
scapula and rotatacuff muscles...
physical pain is really boring
and BORING!

Did a "chair" tonight at a meeting
that used to be my home group
such a wide range of sobriety lengths
It was good to go and see
some old and new faces
remember how it was
that church helds many weekly meeting
that kept me coming back over and over

I am grateful

re moving
Looking at more options
interesting stuff!

re work
cross training and revisiting
stuff which will help me in my role as suppport
inprove the support i give
in this instance
knowledge = improved confidence
also helping others learn to study
whilst trying not to teach!

re spiritual fitness
praying, inventory, newcomers, meetings
prison service, telephone service, intergroup

re physical fitness
yoga and possibly badminton this weekend
gym i am struggling with... at the moment

re mental fitness
eating irregularly
attempting sleep not really trying hard
not suprisingly got angry this week
not suprisingly I got a little lonely

re step 11
Praying
We were prepared to look for it from an entirely different angle.P66
Reading Philip Yancy
The Jesus I never knew
its funny and showing me "the jesus story"
from an angle I find interesting
exactly what it was like for
an unmarried teenage mother
bringing up a baby
2008 years ago
because she was told by an angel
it was Gods will
and convincing people she isnt mental
that she bore God in the flesh
AND she survived
and He survived... how the heck?
yeh I am hooked!
Wikipedia P.Y

More Step 11
Listened to Ajahn Amoro - Ah So
interesting stuff
prompted me to be mindful
that if I am critical, negative, sarcastic, jokey
my words/manner may break others into
a million pieces... unintentionally.
I do start and break into a million pieces
especially when I am critical or judgemental
of myself... and fearful of others
fear and pride
or whether I THINK i am going to be critisised
the anticipation of it coming starts a process off
which requires healing whether
the negativity arrives or not

having fun
and thinking about my birthday month
feeling gratful
I have been given dignity
and a REAL sense of humour
and purpose

I dislike and I am disliked
I am neutral
I love and I am loved

see where I need to work on this week?
H.A.L.T
and Paying attention
to whats going on in the present moment
Slowing down...

have a great friday
Life I love you
All is groooooovy

Feelin' Groovy Simon & Garfunkel


see i'm sure this song wasn't sung as SLOWLY as this!?
is it me or what??

Sleep as you can not as you can't

I wondered why I was sleeping and sleepy
what seemed like the whole weekend
I forgot that I had been out everynight
doing fitness or AA or other
and obviously thought that
I SHOULD be up and about continuously
at the weekend to

Out til nearly midnight Friday
Prison service Saturday afternoon
and out a while Sunday at Church
I have to remember that
this is more than many do...
and its healthy stuff aswell

Sleep is essential
as is regular eating
I am trying to ensure
I keep a balance on both

I spent much of the weekend
praying for guidance
His will, His words, His direction
and listening to those
who have what want
following suggestions
and taking small steps
in doing what they do
or did at the beginning of their path
listening and doing
instead of thinking and figuring
much like early recovery
although its not about alcohol
its about improving my faith
imptoving my conscious contact
spiritual growth
willingness
and openness

I feel apprehensive
rather than afraid
expectant
though not grasping
blinking open eyed in anticipation
not sideways skeptical glancing

All is ok and right sized
Everything is exactly as it should be

Just incase you are interested
here's the sermon from last night
How to read the bible - Nicky Lee

How?
not rocket science, basically
like it was suggested I read the "AA big book"
daily
from the beginning
a few pages
at a time that suits me
there's other stuff in there
Nicky suggested we read it like
a dog loves a bone
eating it with pleasure
putting it down, burying at times
then digging it up, and reading it again
with greater enjoyment
accepting that not always will be want to read
AND THATS OK
but picking it up again as soon as we are ready
accepting that not everything will make sense
at the time
and not every bit will be interesting
he's talking about the bible
but same principle I learned in AA
it works ...

discipline is not a punishment
its an asset

he found reading with someone else newer to the bible
than him helpful
he learned as the other learned

Does this remind you of sponsorship
Reading the Big Book with a sponsor
They say the sponsor gets more than the sponsee

It obviously works in other areas
SERVICE - pass on eveything you have been given
EVERYTHING
In my experience, the more I do this
the more I feel at peace

Secrets, ie holding onto skills etc
has made me unhappy in the passed
training someone at work
passing on ideas that have worked in the past
ALWAYS brings about a sense of Good
even if the ideas are "rejected"
don't stop with the suggestions
unless the person asks you too
there's a difference between advice
and suggestions
and a big difference between
passing on experience and theory!

ok thats me done
I'm off to a step 1 meeting

see ya :)