Sunday, July 31, 2005

Drama Queen is back....

Drama Queen is back & its becoming a big deal

Its killing me off this step, am making it far to difficult, and now am agonising over it. Getting my knickers in a right old twist. Am behaving and feeling like am just strting the steps again. On on the outside am the same, on the inside, am being eaten up.

Cant do, wont do, it.
Higher pwer I know your there, but am blocking you off, dunno why. Stubborn, stuckness.

I know your just waiting for me to unlock the gate, but its that word, there it was, BUT.

BUt what ?
But i cant, i gone a blank, dont know what to do, thats a lie, I do know what to do, I got to pray to my higher power, but I WONT even do that. This is complete madness, I know what to do, Its worked before on the other steps, so why wont I do it now?

I think its fear, what will happen to me, once i done it, i will be a bit more responsible. Joining the human race, like all the others who walked before me. Yeh I want that, but dont know if am WORTHY, there it is, not worthy. Projecting is bad for me, even very subtle projecting. Alcohol you truly are a cunning Fucker.

So is it bleeding pride? Perhaps.

I still have to give myself credit, that even though in my opinion I am having a crap day.
I am still grateful for effortlessly

1. eating breakfast
2. having a bath
3. doing some washing
4. getting the polish out
5. de cluttering a little
6. not self harming over it
7. not having a drinking thought yet.
8. being sober
9. having a meeting to go to now.
10. having this blog

None of which was the case when i was drinking, or even when i stopped drinking prior to starting the steps. It was all a struggle.

At least can see that step8 is the struggle only at the moment. Not my whole life.

God thank you for carrying me so far today.

Next I have to say it outloud, talk to you, tell you, thats what struggle with, ask you to help me, thats what i need to do TODAY.

Saturday, July 30, 2005

S8 the most dribbled on step

how much more time am i gonna put aside to do this ? I sit to write & get absolutely nothing, I cant even look at it without a huge wave of tiredness coming all over me. I go to look, and fall asleep on it for I dont know how long.

Disease - strong in me it is.

Use the force Luke

Step8 the most dribbled on step

Dont take myself too seriously

yeah thats the plan, i didnt think i was, but after reading up on others blogs, and stuff, yeh, am doing it. My lifes a breeze compared to what it was, & listening to someone in a meeting tonight, I realise how far i have come with some bits of my stuff.

Sticking with the winners for a change

My gratitude list

I am grateful for
1. the sun shining today
2. a job, which i like
3. yeh being sober
4. remembering to let go a little
5. sharing tonight
6. having a laugh today
7. the proclaimers
8. renewing my ticket before it ran out
9. Going to a meeting outside of my comfort zone
10. Not people pleasing
11. Being part of something magical
12. not analysing or projecting
13. doing a gratitude list
14. not being miserable
15. Mary Poppins

Stuff that i kinda take for granted, I need to do more gratitude lists, i always feel better when I done one.

Am grateful for seeing that I am takin stuff for granted n i dont like doing that. But then how much do I want to keep noticing the minutae & hanging onto it, like its a new toy. What happens when it becomes ordinary & effortless & just "what I do". What happens then ?

Friday, July 29, 2005

There is a solution

Am I uncomfortable
What is my problem?
Is there a solution ?
Do I want that solution ?
Whats stopping me get that solution ?
Admit my defects / difficulties
Accept them, just acknowledge they are there
Do I want them removed, or do I want to stay uncomfortable ?
Talk to someone else who has the solution
Look at how uncomfortable its made me, already
Ok now whats stopping me getting the solution
Ask for the power to take action, to go to anylengths, even if its an inch nearer the solution Whatever the outcome is, pass it on
Go back to the beginning

Wednesday, July 27, 2005


I am spending too much time on this.

Its a distraction which I want but dont need. Step work already spins my head around when am working on it, and thats ok, i am accepting that, it always clears, and leaves me in a better place.

But the longer I delay DOING it, the longer I will be in this slight state of restless, irritable, discontentedness. The longer I delay, the bigger it will become. Unmaneageability is setting in. Time to put my recovery first, HALT, steps.

It doesnt say a blog will keep me sober.


Attack of pride

This blogs taking up alot of hours, going on about whats in my head. But then I dont want to forget this journey, so much is amazing, I want a log, if i didnt type, it would get written down and take up a long time, so its what i need & want to do at the moment.

And then am thinking it must be fucking boring for other people, and then am thinking, well who the fuck do you thinks reading it ? no one, me the great me. Rather arrogant.

But if you are and your bored, well just dont read anymore, you already know its boring :-) insanity is repeating the same behaviour and expecting the same results.

Anyway when I write for you, I get resentful when you dont comment, so have to remind myself, am writing for me about me, when am bored of me, i'll write about something else, or jack it in.

Me me me

Anyway. Enuff. am gonna log off T'internet & do a some of step ate or sleep, not sure yet.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Turning point

todays been one of them, this is what i was like, i am glad i am not now...or maybe that should be today. Todays been a bit confusing, abit calm, ,"God I know better", i still got stuff to learn, pass it on, i talking at instead of too. Lots of stuff. Projecting about birthday, anniversary, step9, step8, holidays, bank holiday, amends, ex. Thinking is taking me away from the present, putting fear in there. Guess am in my step, step = change, accept, to change theres got to be a bit of a shake up, abit of letting go, leaving room for something else, whatever that may be. Am scared yet, preparing, for what i dunno, just to do it suppose.

Today I listened to someone who had what i wanted at one point, had everything I wanted, someone knew what was right and fought for it, no matter what, that was the way, so i thought. Today I saw the damage this was doing, or could do. The battles that i used to get into, the battles that this person is still having. Yes the stuff needs to be dealt with, but not by me or this person. We are JUST in the roles we are in, we have no power in the roles that we are in, we need a power greater than ourselves, so find one, ask them and then let them. Today am minding my own business, looking out for my stuff first, and in doing do, I am fitting myself to be of maximum helpfulness to those I am immediatedly responsible for and to. If others would do the same, it would be a perfect world, but that is not how this world is.

Today am seeing that its not about everyone else, its about me and how i am in this world, world being wherever I am at any give time, on any given phone call, in any given email, in any face to face. And ask the question of my HP...."what is my job here ?" Whats your will? Whats the right thing to do?

Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us. P77 Alcoholics Anonymous

Its not my job to change the people at work around me, if i look at them as sick (sick as in unaware) we are not all blessed with the same awareness, as their peers, they just need enlightening, teaching, showing. Is it my job to show them ? no. Well let those whose job it is to teach them then. Yesterday, my first thought was to send a"You Bastard" email to someone letting them know that they had wasted some of my time. However knowing my LACK of success in these "shoot from the hip" emails in the recent past, i ran it by a manager before sending & he advised me not to send it as there was already a training issue highlighted and this would be helpful in a meeting. So i forwarded it to the "right" person and left it at that.

It was only by accepting that I was not going to get my way, taking advice from someone who knows me & knows better, trusting, doing, and letting go, thats given me that compassion for the person I was going to stamp on with my frustrations, my self centredness. I was comparing someone who hasnt had the "training" that others have and just expected them to do it right, because its their job. :-) How many times, how many times, did I NOT do my job ?

I dont know what I dont know, and even when I do know, I forget very easily, thats why I need to be reminded, need to keep turning up, doing my lousy best, making mistakes gracefully, admitting them to others, putting myself out there without fear. Turning difficulties into assets, redirecting anger away from a situation. Counting to 100 before hitting the send button, walking away and doing something else, and coming back to it after the anger has dispersed. Step 10 perhaps... Asking the question "Is it helpful to send that NOW?" Remembering, me getting my own way is not what its about.

This person I looked upto with a sad, despairing, defeated, but still with defiance & said "Is anyone enjoying coming to work at the moment ?"
I said truthfully... I am

Today I turned a corner, today this person hasnt got what I wanted, today, and lots of other days recently. I feel compassion & acceptance & quiet gratitude.

The gift of minding my own business
The gift of first things first
The gift of experience
The gift of humility

Toady!? Today

Toady was probably right, its been toady :-)

Came home, got some 8 done, its hard, its bloody hard looking at what I done. Its hard not to relive it all. Its hard because over and over I realise i keep noticing i cant even look at my step4, its too painful to look. I have too look to see the harm, but physically, I literally am staring at the carpet!! I cant & i dont even notice whats happening until something jogs me out of the drift, back to the present & I looking at the deep reds in my rug...wondering how long was i out of it this time. The spirits willing, the mental and the physical arent playing.

Music maketh me, it taketh me back, it keepeth me safe. You were always with me, you spoke to me through them & i never seen it. Even in isolation, music, its always was my strength, music...words. Your words, kept me going, always. Even in the darkest moments. I sat down, somehow, somewhere before the edge and listened.

When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on.
Don't let yourself go, everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes.
Sometimes everything is wrong. Now it's time to sing along.
When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go, (hold on)
When you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on.
Everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends.
Everybody hurts. Don't throw your hand. Oh, no. Don't throw your hand.
If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone
If you're on your own in this life, the days and nights are long,
When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on.
Well, everybody hurts sometimes,Everybody cries.
And everybody hurts sometimes.And everybody hurts sometimes.
So, hold on, hold on.Hold on, hold on. Hold on, hold on. Hold on, hold on. (repeat & fade)(Everybody hurts. You are not alone.)
The darkest years, I was music starved, its true. Something kept me going.... and continues to, you speak to me through people... You was there all a long. Talk about camouflaged. Oh well better late than never. Am I crazy or what? I dont believe so, but then does it matter if I am or not ? Crazy or whatever, am taking steps dis harm me, to become harm less...
Am growing up, growing old & its all abit of alright ere really, now i know what general direction am going in.
As for Kareoke... its still a yet :-D
Knowing lots of song lyrics, doesnt make me a good singer

Monday, July 25, 2005

Distraction or avoidance or what ?

step8's painful, virtually had to nail my foot to the floor this weekend to stop me doing everything under the sun except get on with this effer. The effort to get pen in hand and sit and write and when i did, very little came out. Even cleaning seemed attractive...yikes.

Harms done, yeh loads. Acts and ommisions. I still doing some of this behaviour.
Truth is I never knew how to lead an honest life. But I really thought I did....
Slid from one thing to another, one fix to another, always looking for that magic wand to be waved by someone else, or for them to change their behaviour, or for me to become this able person, just because someone gave me a bit of advice from a self help book. I spent years and years really believing it would happen, this personality change, overnight, a bit of self knowledge would solve all, I would wake up a with a new mind, body & soul...fixed.

How deep is my denial, 40 thousand fathoms, feel like them layers are piling back on again. Unwillingness, dishonesty and closedmindedness are knocking, they are still there, they are the roots of lots of my harms to other people. This disease is cunning baffling and powerful.

I really believed there was no other way for me, well there was, but didnt want it because i knew better or worse, i was different, my circumstances meant that i couldnt do it your way. I was comparing my inside with all your outsides. How wrong could I have been....

Someone last night told me that he drank again last year after 3 years sobriety, because he wasnt willing to do step 8. Thats the great sad fact. I am not special or different.

Step 8 plays tricks, "maybe if i got back together with my ex then I could repair all the harms done" ..... look but dont stare. Me Me Me Me (the great me) of course I would be welcomed back, without a doubt... Oh yeah, I just moved flats this weekend, nice apartment in cloud cuckoo land

Dont listen to your head

Do or Die.... yes for me it really is that serious, half measures will avail me absolutely nothing. Step 8 every day. No excuses, excuses for me, means unwilling, as I really have nothing that is so important that, prevent me from doing some everyday.

God I offer myself to thee, to build with me and do with me as thou wilt. Take away my difficulties so that victory over them may bear witness to those I may help. Of thy Power, thy Love and thy Way of Life. May I do Thy will always. Amen

Sunday, July 24, 2005

Its becoming clear

I am seeing, feeling, hearing the differences in me to what it was like 2 years ago, to what its like now. So often I miss out on the good bits, when am dealing with the rough bits. People tell me the ego puncturing truth these days. Its all a journey of discovery, recovery & acceptance

Spiritual awakening as a result of these steps.... I am not done yet, and already I am different, slowly waking up as a result of these steps.

Self centred fear doesnt want me to believe it, the evidence is in my face. Someone said its hard to believe you were that quiet introverted person. To me I still am.

Today didnt go my way atall, lots of shuddovs. Its all history. I am doing my lousy best. Turning up and doing it & its not over yet... step 8 todo. Looking at my harms done without taking inventory.

Its all part of the process

Trust the process

It works, so get on with it & stop talking about it.

The difference today

is that i forced myself to sit with my step 8, but didnt beat myself up when it didnt come as freely as I would have liked.

is that I am willing to look at the harms I have done over and over.

is that i ate, 3 good meals, did some washing and went out and bought some nourishing food that I will eat.

is that I remembered that people will rarely behave the way I expect them to.

is that I can feel the progress thats being made.

is that I got angry, but didnt act out on it.

is that I did mind my own business (twice)

is that i did keep my mouth shut.

is that I am noticing the changes in me.

is that I suddenly noticed where I have been acting out in some old behaviour

is that I am not so afraid of my imperfections, my flaws, my shortcomings.

is that I followed my sponsors suggestion.

is that I remembered that I am an alcoholic, recovering from a killer illness.

is that I put my recovery programme first.

is that I held out my hand to a suffering alcoholic, even though I was afraid of the outcome

is that I am in with a chance, see you're doing it again, thank you

Saturday, July 23, 2005


Inflexible = controlfreak = angry & judge when things dont go my way = selfcentrednes = defect
yay!! i got there in the end.

Acceptance he might possibly be right, he wouldnt just throw it in just for a laugh
Ask him to explain. I listened. Didnt accept/understand his examples.
Accepted he he might possibly be right even though I didnt/couldnt/wouldnt see it.
Asked HP to show me, help me to see.
Accepted the answers would come, not in my time, not in any particular form.
Paid attention to what went on around me, my reactions to people, places & things.

The answers came. Its true. I am selfcentred. The evidence is all around me.

The truth sets us free.

Freedom to move away from selfcentredness with the help of my HP & huge restraint of tongue & pen, willingness to take part even when things arent going my way, and in the wrong direction for a while. Allowing myself & others to make & admit our mistakes, without drama, self hating. Forgiving them as they & others have done & do me.

I am in with a chance.

Let go, let go more, surrender to win.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

I have no opinions on outside issues...

3people in the last couple of days have told me they are going on dates. Thats it light the blue touch paper, stand well back and watch the defects fly out... You cant do that!! Poor me am "alone" & lonely still, I want one NOW, whens it my turn, thats now how its supposed to be, cant you see?, I must be very fucked up still cos I havent got one, I want a shag... blah blah. See them ? Yeah so can I what a load of dangerous bollox. No wonder I drank, I never knew what to do when I felt like this, I couldnt tell anyone, the tapes played over and over just for my own pleasure (misery).

All this stuff didnt mess up my days, I havent been running tapes through my head, beating myself up. I got on with my work. Inspite of the defects taking over my first thoughts. The seconds were slightly different. Different for each one, but especially to myself. Mind My own business, I have no opinions on outside issues.... apart from the fact that I am no expert, my last first date was the start of co-dependent (with good times :-) relationship lasting over a decade, prior to that a number of teenage drunken slobbering sessions. So who am I to think of giving advice on first dates. Anyway, no one asked my opinion. Let go.

3 busses, 1 hour on Shank's Pony 2hours later got home, very tired, but the walk was enjoyable, preferable to being crammed in & pressed against the bus doors, like the poor sods that were passing me on the way home.

expect the unexpected.

At least I got home this evening, unlike those two weeks ago

Note to me. First things First. Finish your Step 8.

What would happen to this blog If I drank ?

Hows it work then ?
Blog my feelings, go on about how much better I feel since sponsor/steps, working it, but what if i drank ? what woud that mean to all this ? Tradition 11, hows it apply to this ? I suppose if I honestly blog then drink again...the evidence will be here, I will have a record of what lead to it, and so will you. You will be able to draw your own conclusions (thats if anyone ever stumbled across me blog)

going bed. dont know how am gonna get to work in the morning. Probably Join the crammers.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

replace fear with faith

Walked past Kings Cross, the book of remeberence was open for the victims & their families of the bombs. I put some words in, as I left & walked down the tube, playing over in my head. God grant me the Serenity to Accept the Things I cannot Change, the Courange to Change the Things I can and The Wisdom to Know the Difference.

Team leaders not gonna make it for phone service, can i (9 months experience at phone office) stand in..err, help, bugger. First thought is fuck it, cant someone else, I am not a manager. 2nd thought, well give it ago, someone will show me, turn up, give it ago. Fuck it.

As it was just two of us turned up, but we managed it, had a cool evening, even managed to make a good first attempt at the crossword (inspite of us both believing we would struggle to get any words longer than 4 letters) With the help of Collins English Dictionary, Roget & a few AA texts, we made good progress & suprised ourselves. We have no idea what people are going to say when we answer the phone. At times it is in your face Alcoholism, this is a killer illness that will tell people for years they havent got it. In the fellowship, on the programme, we really are the lucky ones, we have a chance. In between the calls, we have to remember aswell "Rule 42# Not to take ourselves too damn seriously" hence the crossword.

At the convention this year, the Phone office did a sketch, which showed what happened when a Responder tries to pass on a 12 step call (a first time caller to AA wanting to chat over the phone with an AA & then possibly go to a meeting with them) after many attempts the Responder finally got someone to take the call. People were not in, too busy, not in a good space themselves, dont do that 12 stepping anymore etc etc. etc.

But what hit home to me was when "John" asked the question "where might we all be if Bill W standing in that hotel lobby, had given up at the 9th telephone call & not made the 10th which got him in contact with Dr Bob, where would we all be now... if he had gone in that hotel bar instead?"

Your phone office may need volunteers, phone service, at home taking the responder calls, 12 stepping...

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

I keep remembering


Feeling tearful today, getting mixed up at work, felt like I was doing more wrong than right. Its that bad hair time of the month again, but it is also a time when I get in touch with my truth, the stuff thats really going on ... if i choose to. Its like my eyes have been on the verge of welling up, but they were very clear & blue today...because i checked.

Stuck it out to the end and went to a meeting,

I remembered.... how I so wanted to make you make you better, be less manic, less crazy, less sick. I thought for ages, years meant well. I thought you SHOULD be weller than me because you got more loads more sobriety than me. When was it that I realised that it doesnt work like that. That you seeked to know what/who you really are. Your authentic self. You may not always like how you are, but at least you have accepted it. You have reached YOUR level of comfortableness. When I stopped fighting, stopped playing God and really listened to what you were saying, I heard you ...

Suddenly I loved you, even though I didnt always like you. And now you are gone... gone far away, but what you left behind for me is beautiful.

You showed on my first 24 hours that "There is, however, a vast amount of fun about it all" you showed me the insanity of my thinking, that you thought like that too or else how could you have known? I thought it was all a coincidence. You shared about your sponsors, steps, the changes you had seen in others brought on by the programme, the pod people, the grip of the bedclothes everymorning, who is it that tucks the duvet in that tight I cant get out of bed again, that paralyses my arms & legs during the night, only releasing me at somepoint saturday afternoon. You proved to me that IT IS POSSIBLE TO HAVE A LAUGH WITHOUT ALCOHOL. And you continued to do that right until you went.

All it took was for me to ask you for a Marlboro and you to ask me to go for a coffee. You 12 stepped me. Total identify. Such a fricking laugh. You even told me that the winners would tell me to stay away from you. You were right. You knew that at less than 24hrs sober, how vulnerable I was & but still you told me what I needed to hear. You even gave me space when my sponsor suggested (ORDERED) 100% abstinence from you. When I defied her you bollocked me. You even got me admitting (out loud for Gods sake) how crazy my thinking is, even on my most sane days. You are truly a gift of my sobriety.

Thank you for loving me in a way that I needed, not what I wanted.

Thank you for showing me how you practiced "To Thine Own Self be True" How you accepted the things you couldnt change, sought the courage to try and change the things you could, and you found wisdom to know the difference. Most of the time...

I love you x

Til we meet again

Monday, July 18, 2005

Step 8

Yeah made a restart last night, got some lightbulb moments again, i forgot how that last time i cried. Its happening again. No wonder i felt held at arms length most of my life, or stayed just out of reach. Untamed. Unbelievable.

Keep on, keeping on
Am ok, am grateful, am sober, am doing it, am in it.

Sunday, July 17, 2005

Mistaken identity - the outcome

Yep, its confirmed. The woman in the meeting hasn't been to near where I live in years. Bizarre, but no doubt, no coincidence.

Still no more of step 8 done. I got some fear that I will get sick again, like when I started 8, like step4. So whats the problem ? I have a 2 week window before my mammogram etc, so if am gonna get sick, am already in the NHS to get it dealt with. How much more opportunities am I gonna let pass by ? Why am I choosing to ignore this & allow procrastination & fear the termites, eat away ? The problem is me, I am loafing, enjoying, the effortlessness programme stuff. How about, time to "do 2 things I dont want to do today just for excersize" 1 of them will be turn off the net

just do everyone a favour and just fucking do it. Too many excuses, time to call in some help... God help me please....

Mistaken identity

Having spent yesterday, doing a chair, sunbathing, reading & snoozing in the park, i trekked back down home. I noticed a fellow AA who works around there. I often see her & wave hi etc passing through. This time, I stopped and asked her if she would be at the meeting, she looked at me a little strange & said what meeting. She then went on to tell me that "if Elaine thinks she is going out again tomorrow evening instead of having dinner, then she has another thing coming"

Strangely at that (Who the fuck is Elaine) moment... i got this feeling that this person was not infact my fellow AA, but a very good look alike. Luckily someone came up and spoke with her, so I backed off. I have absolutely no idea who Elaine is. Who is this woman I have been passing the time of day with for a few months now ? & do I also have a "Spitting Image" (if so am i the puppet or the human?) trudging the streets? Who is this Elaine anyway? Did she get out of that family dinner ?

Some of the answers will be revealed later.... the rest will just make me smile me each time I see this woman... Will I will continue to pass the time of day with her. Even though she is not who I thought she was, I cant really put her back in the complete stranger category. No harm in just saying hello with a smile from a distance.... is there?

Town was manic, i am in awe of the lengths people go to to dress up, especially in this heat. I hit a patch of loneliness passing through, even though I was walking to a meeting. It stemmed from some envy, that a friend was the other side of town with all her mates out of the fellowship, clubbing. And me "poor me" was missing out on something. Truth is, I didnt like clubs, so get over it. Almost immediately, I saw a stray unlit, untrodden on cigarette on the pavement and for a split second, the nicoteen fairy whispered in my ear "Go on..Pick it up, you know you want to" But I didnt, just kept walking, flicking the fairy off my shoulder as I went. Resentments are destructive.

It always amazes me the power of "Going for coffee after a meeting". I asked a crying woman to come for coffee, when all I wanted to do was go home, turned out to be a lesson that "faith must be accompanied by self sacrifice and unselfish, constructive action" (Alcoholics Anonymous Page 93) Even though I have no experience in her problem, my experience is that the tools I have been given inAA & by my Sponsor, work in any of my situations. Somehow, I managed not to give her any advice on her problems, i just suggested how she could use the spiritual tools to remove the problem, giving her space to figure out the solution. Bloody 'ell its working.

Thats it, enough, I've Blogged on, as was suggested by my wise old sponsor ... let go, let go, let go, go do some step8, NOW

Blog Name

All credit to the Writers of "Big Book" Alcoholics Anonymous Page 75
for inspiring this Blog Name
The step5 promises came true for me

thank you