Turning point

todays been one of them, this is what i was like, i am glad i am not now...or maybe that should be today. Todays been a bit confusing, abit calm, ,"God I know better", i still got stuff to learn, pass it on, i talking at instead of too. Lots of stuff. Projecting about birthday, anniversary, step9, step8, holidays, bank holiday, amends, ex. Thinking is taking me away from the present, putting fear in there. Guess am in my step, step = change, accept, to change theres got to be a bit of a shake up, abit of letting go, leaving room for something else, whatever that may be. Am scared yet, preparing, for what i dunno, just to do it suppose.

Today I listened to someone who had what i wanted at one point, had everything I wanted, someone knew what was right and fought for it, no matter what, that was the way, so i thought. Today I saw the damage this was doing, or could do. The battles that i used to get into, the battles that this person is still having. Yes the stuff needs to be dealt with, but not by me or this person. We are JUST in the roles we are in, we have no power in the roles that we are in, we need a power greater than ourselves, so find one, ask them and then let them. Today am minding my own business, looking out for my stuff first, and in doing do, I am fitting myself to be of maximum helpfulness to those I am immediatedly responsible for and to. If others would do the same, it would be a perfect world, but that is not how this world is.

Today am seeing that its not about everyone else, its about me and how i am in this world, world being wherever I am at any give time, on any given phone call, in any given email, in any face to face. And ask the question of my HP...."what is my job here ?" Whats your will? Whats the right thing to do?

Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us. P77 Alcoholics Anonymous

Its not my job to change the people at work around me, if i look at them as sick (sick as in unaware) we are not all blessed with the same awareness, as their peers, they just need enlightening, teaching, showing. Is it my job to show them ? no. Well let those whose job it is to teach them then. Yesterday, my first thought was to send a"You Bastard" email to someone letting them know that they had wasted some of my time. However knowing my LACK of success in these "shoot from the hip" emails in the recent past, i ran it by a manager before sending & he advised me not to send it as there was already a training issue highlighted and this would be helpful in a meeting. So i forwarded it to the "right" person and left it at that.

It was only by accepting that I was not going to get my way, taking advice from someone who knows me & knows better, trusting, doing, and letting go, thats given me that compassion for the person I was going to stamp on with my frustrations, my self centredness. I was comparing someone who hasnt had the "training" that others have and just expected them to do it right, because its their job. :-) How many times, how many times, did I NOT do my job ?

I dont know what I dont know, and even when I do know, I forget very easily, thats why I need to be reminded, need to keep turning up, doing my lousy best, making mistakes gracefully, admitting them to others, putting myself out there without fear. Turning difficulties into assets, redirecting anger away from a situation. Counting to 100 before hitting the send button, walking away and doing something else, and coming back to it after the anger has dispersed. Step 10 perhaps... Asking the question "Is it helpful to send that NOW?" Remembering, me getting my own way is not what its about.

This person I looked upto with a sad, despairing, defeated, but still with defiance & said "Is anyone enjoying coming to work at the moment ?"
I said truthfully... I am

Today I turned a corner, today this person hasnt got what I wanted, today, and lots of other days recently. I feel compassion & acceptance & quiet gratitude.

The gift of minding my own business
The gift of first things first
The gift of experience
The gift of humility