Sunday, July 31, 2005

Drama Queen is back....

Drama Queen is back & its becoming a big deal

Its killing me off this step, am making it far to difficult, and now am agonising over it. Getting my knickers in a right old twist. Am behaving and feeling like am just strting the steps again. On on the outside am the same, on the inside, am being eaten up.

Cant do, wont do, it.
Higher pwer I know your there, but am blocking you off, dunno why. Stubborn, stuckness.

I know your just waiting for me to unlock the gate, but its that word, there it was, BUT.

BUt what ?
But i cant, i gone a blank, dont know what to do, thats a lie, I do know what to do, I got to pray to my higher power, but I WONT even do that. This is complete madness, I know what to do, Its worked before on the other steps, so why wont I do it now?

I think its fear, what will happen to me, once i done it, i will be a bit more responsible. Joining the human race, like all the others who walked before me. Yeh I want that, but dont know if am WORTHY, there it is, not worthy. Projecting is bad for me, even very subtle projecting. Alcohol you truly are a cunning Fucker.

So is it bleeding pride? Perhaps.

I still have to give myself credit, that even though in my opinion I am having a crap day.
I am still grateful for effortlessly

1. eating breakfast
2. having a bath
3. doing some washing
4. getting the polish out
5. de cluttering a little
6. not self harming over it
7. not having a drinking thought yet.
8. being sober
9. having a meeting to go to now.
10. having this blog

None of which was the case when i was drinking, or even when i stopped drinking prior to starting the steps. It was all a struggle.

At least can see that step8 is the struggle only at the moment. Not my whole life.

God thank you for carrying me so far today.

Next I have to say it outloud, talk to you, tell you, thats what struggle with, ask you to help me, thats what i need to do TODAY.

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