Thursday, February 18, 2010

Imagine one beer a night...

Someone told me the other day
that they took their friend to AA
meetings each week
she has been going fir a few years
and is now down to one beer a night

Sounds like complete agony to me!
Infact it's complete agony imagining it...

I wonder whether to suggest al-anon?
For the helper who sounds like an enabler?

I still can't imagine one beer a night
well I can, and it's likley to be all
I thought about for the remaining 23 and half hours
til the next one

illusion that I can drink like a normal drinker?

Any suggestions? That's all I know so far
she just slipped it into an email
as you do...

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Dear johno

you know what to do...
follow the process, head down,
beware of being hijacked and keep on keeping on...
day at a time.. til its done :) 

The Darkest hour is before the dawn. 

You may be the (almost the) only one, with that chip of a book & spiritual toolkit going into that ego filled culture... 
sounds like you are needed 
(the great you ;) ...

What i mean is, I need you
To be obedient, human & disciplined 
Trust me, you ARE exactly where you are supposed to be 

Are you praying?? Who to??

God is your director you are his agent, channel whatever...

Pray for the fear to be removed and for your attention to be directed to what He would have you be.

Read all of step 3 in the big book.
The other big book

And remember it's MY Will not your will be done.

Also get the gaffer tape out

restraint of Tongue pen email text

no sulking

go and pray during the day

step away from your desk

take action

get out if praying in your head

pray to a power greater than you
(that would be me)

one who has all power

that one is god

may you find him now 

Psalm 46:10 be still and know that
I am God

It's true
Trust me


ps and johno...


I Love you



I am not God

The main difference between God
and me us that God doesn't spend
anytime thinking he us me

I did not create today
I have no control of anything
and I struggle with this
accepting this short term
is easy
maintaining it
and spotting it's guises
grandiosity in me
is very difficult
I am not God

all the while
I think I have any real control
of anything, especially
when my heart will stop beating
or the like
I am disillusioned
all my supposed power
is a lie

yet to accept powerlessness
and not just be a victim
not just be manipulated
not just be hurt
harmed is a tricky balance
especially at the moment in the workplace
yet really in all life areas
all my affairs

how many times must
I renounce my defects
always my side of the street
always my inventory
always me just get right with god

and then I get a voice
I am not god
I am living today due Grace
not my grace
God given grace

my impatience
my pride
my self will
my sloth
my action
my selfichness
my grandiosity
my fear

this is all in me

I created my own misery?
Yes I can always see where I stepped
on the toes of some one or did something
if I hadn't done this,
then that wouldn't have happened
but! It doesn't mean that
I made wrong decisions
it just means I took a risk,
got involved
got out if bed and took part
and now I am hanging onto that part
like a desperate actor
as though my life depends on it
trying to control the lights and the rest of the actors
when the truth is
my part, my life is dependent upon God

a God of love
a god of growth
that wants the best for me
but god sometimes
I wish you didn't choose me
sometimes I wish that you let me go
yet I am afraid that life
without you now
will definitely be so much worse

What is it you want from me?
Just please make it very clear
because I have so much suffering
perhaps this us about to become
a rock bottom in this area of my life
in Which case, although I don't want it
I really do...
I need complete humility
I need no ego
the more I let go
the stronger I become
and the more of a witness
to Gods power and love
I am

I will not leave a vacuum
when I leave a room
job, meeting, street, church, shop

if god stopped working
if creation stopped happening
if evolution did not happen
if the world stopped revolving
if my heart stops beating
if nothing - no thing happened
we would die

Monday, February 15, 2010

Went to a meeting

Worrying is unlikely to bring on a moment of clarity

isolation - the longer i stay in it
it will get me on my own and kill me

alkyd do not think like other people

it's the first drink

life isn't always happy joyeous and free

It works 

attitudes get changed not life

If u try and hang yrself
And it's not time 
The rope will snap!

going to a meeting today
Listening to others
Not happy joyeous and free
Just a real mix of humans
It changed the way I felt
I would have ripped anyones head off
it put things in a better perspective
I laughed at the insane thinking
We can all describe when we are
Not stuck in our heads 

perhaps my ego needs a further puncture
perhaps I needs to just say I can't do
perhaps I just need to accept I am tired
very very tired 

made a call to some outside help
on the issue which
I am most afraid will mess up
my future
as it continues to mess up my today's
my personal all relations
my ambition
my financial security
my self esteem
yeh pretty well everything

I now feel neutral
I now feel unlabelled
Now I want to explore
staying neutral is a cop out
not knowing is a cop out

we will not be afraid of the past
nor wish to shut the door on it

it's time
to face me
and find out
who I really am again

the truth will set me free
In all areas

But there is always a doubt
What if it don't?
Then what!
Ahh shaddap!

I'm going to do step 10's
As it's Monday I'll
Get back from living thursday

thanks you
thank you god

Sunday, February 14, 2010


You know it's only about today
yet today is as a consequence of yesterday
this week I have been resting more
real dedicated quiet time
out loud prayer time

acknowledging areas
which need work on
taking steps or a step to see what needs to be done

acknowledging God did for me
what I couldn't do for myself
if I could of, I would have
it's true
I accepted that even tho
I knew what I needed
I couldn't do it
so he took drastic action instead
so often I see in others
the opportunities to change
turn towards the easier softer way
and for me, just when I think
I have managed to have
this attitude of willingness
to go to any length
in everything
I find there is something
I can't change
because I have no faith
in this area because
to have faith requires
blindness trust in god
not a human
not me

so here I am
heading into the furnace
I will not turn away
I know not what will happen
but I have faith that I will
be brought closer to God
i will be a witness to His power
his love

being shaped
old stuff being broken
new stuff being broken
some some gets strengthened

still I know that all the suffering
also brings great joy
all the recovering
brings perfect moments

sometimes I want to check out, die
sometimes sitting with it is unbearable
yet somehow knowledge of my
condition, human condition
makes it more bearable
the greats of this world
has shortcomings
mental physical
yet strong in spirit

Tuesday, February 09, 2010

Bits and pieces at the moment

I am afraid of rejection, I am afraid of standing in the background in the future when God clearly wants me leading in someway. I am afraid of overexaggered paranoi about something that may not really matter in the big plan. I am afraid misleading by ommision and being misunderstood and missing out. Anyway enough.... I told u i am less self centred now haha not!!!!!!

When I stay in today it's ok, yet part of me feels dishonest. Yet this has nothing to do with the subject of AA or alcoholism.

In times of important change, I have nightmares and feel like I have regressed, it's not true, it's growing pains, remeber teenagers need extra rest while changing from children into adults, and so it is with adults, at times we need extra rest when
am going through a change like now.

I have been listening to "the Daniel project" it's 5 sermons over 5 weeeks Nov 1st - Nov 29th 2009, a john Ortberg and co podcasts, so I am Reading the book of Daniel at the moment aswell. S'funny I never knew shadrach mechak and abendigo were in the bible, gawd knows what I thought they were from? Well I suppose o didn't really think much :)

MPPC Blog with all sermoncasts on John Ortberg & Co

Changed my 3rd bedroom into a prayer, Reading and yoga room, big cushions on the floor and bookshelf, it's southfacing, so I am hoping that when the sun rise gets earlier it will inspire me to get up and read rather than stay up late and read and reflect. either way its nice to crash out in :D

I just remembered, am starting a 6 week bereavement course at a nearby salvation army on Wednesday. I wanted to go on one for ages, since 2006 when mum died, it's on my commute home, which is perfect :)  

 psalm 46:10
Be still and know that I am God

and am likely to be at risk of redundancy again shortly!! number 4

Oh the joys...

Back with joys... So much leadership commitments at church I am volunteering for and being encouraged to follow up.. So much more adhoc stuff aswell just mucking in, clearly in the right place at the moment :D i pinch myself often and think that it's all a big joke and they will turn round and say, sorry we have changed our minds, you don't fit, we dint like you, please don't come up with any more ideas, infact go away. I love i have this freedom there to try new ideas, our pastor always encouraging if it's good for us. He likes that I commit to things. I have a cold at the minute well for most of January, have had to stop doing guitar leading and practice because I don't get enough rest and get some early nights, commuting is more tiring that it was, winter maybe or just that I have a purpose, pull in and around home, community now? 

And yet I still at times feel incredibly lonely...
And yet I now KNOW this too will pass

Barely edited, general stuff for this new disciple!!

Never a dull moment huh?

it doesnt seem 5 minutes when most evenings I was drinking to oblivion and duvet diving most weekends away staring at the ceiling... unreliable, no life, dreaming and fantasising of being picked up off the bar stool and being made famous...

6.5 years ago...

and now... i am a legend :D

no one ever said sobriety would mean an easy life.
I got the spiritual tool kit
and shown how to use it
and now I do
mostly :)

It works dudes, it really does :D
Gods in charge
of this individual

Duran Duran
"Ordinary World"

Came in from a rainy Thursday
On the avenue
Thought I heard you talking softly

I turned on the lights, the TV
And the radio
Still I can't escape the ghost of you

What has happened to it all?
Crazy, some are saying
Where is the life that I recognize?
Gone away

But I won't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive

Passion or coincidence
Once prompted you to say
"Pride will tear us both apart"
Well now pride's gone out the window
Cross the rooftops
Run away
Left me in the vacuum of my heart

What is happening to me?
Crazy, some'd say
Where is my friend when I need you most?
Gone away

But I won't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive

Papers in the roadside
Tell of suffering and greed
Here today, forgot tomorrow
Ooh, here besides the news
Of holy war and holy need
Ours is just a little sorrowed talk

And I don't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive

Every one
Is my world, I will learn to survive
Any one
Is my world, I will learn to survive
Any one
Is my world
Every one
Is my world