Tuesday, February 09, 2010

Bits and pieces at the moment

I am afraid of rejection, I am afraid of standing in the background in the future when God clearly wants me leading in someway. I am afraid of overexaggered paranoi about something that may not really matter in the big plan. I am afraid misleading by ommision and being misunderstood and missing out. Anyway enough.... I told u i am less self centred now haha not!!!!!!

When I stay in today it's ok, yet part of me feels dishonest. Yet this has nothing to do with the subject of AA or alcoholism.

In times of important change, I have nightmares and feel like I have regressed, it's not true, it's growing pains, remeber teenagers need extra rest while changing from children into adults, and so it is with adults, at times we need extra rest when
am going through a change like now.

I have been listening to "the Daniel project" it's 5 sermons over 5 weeeks Nov 1st - Nov 29th 2009, a john Ortberg and co podcasts, so I am Reading the book of Daniel at the moment aswell. S'funny I never knew shadrach mechak and abendigo were in the bible, gawd knows what I thought they were from? Well I suppose o didn't really think much :)

MPPC Blog with all sermoncasts on John Ortberg & Co

Changed my 3rd bedroom into a prayer, Reading and yoga room, big cushions on the floor and bookshelf, it's southfacing, so I am hoping that when the sun rise gets earlier it will inspire me to get up and read rather than stay up late and read and reflect. either way its nice to crash out in :D

I just remembered, am starting a 6 week bereavement course at a nearby salvation army on Wednesday. I wanted to go on one for ages, since 2006 when mum died, it's on my commute home, which is perfect :)  

 psalm 46:10
Be still and know that I am God

and am likely to be at risk of redundancy again shortly!! number 4

Oh the joys...

Back with joys... So much leadership commitments at church I am volunteering for and being encouraged to follow up.. So much more adhoc stuff aswell just mucking in, clearly in the right place at the moment :D i pinch myself often and think that it's all a big joke and they will turn round and say, sorry we have changed our minds, you don't fit, we dint like you, please don't come up with any more ideas, infact go away. I love i have this freedom there to try new ideas, our pastor always encouraging if it's good for us. He likes that I commit to things. I have a cold at the minute well for most of January, have had to stop doing guitar leading and practice because I don't get enough rest and get some early nights, commuting is more tiring that it was, winter maybe or just that I have a purpose, pull in and around home, community now? 

And yet I still at times feel incredibly lonely...
And yet I now KNOW this too will pass

Barely edited, general stuff for this new disciple!!

Never a dull moment huh?

it doesnt seem 5 minutes when most evenings I was drinking to oblivion and duvet diving most weekends away staring at the ceiling... unreliable, no life, dreaming and fantasising of being picked up off the bar stool and being made famous...

6.5 years ago...

and now... i am a legend :D

no one ever said sobriety would mean an easy life.
I got the spiritual tool kit
and shown how to use it
and now I do
mostly :)

It works dudes, it really does :D
Gods in charge
of this individual


Duran Duran
"Ordinary World"

Came in from a rainy Thursday
On the avenue
Thought I heard you talking softly

I turned on the lights, the TV
And the radio
Still I can't escape the ghost of you

What has happened to it all?
Crazy, some are saying
Where is the life that I recognize?
Gone away

But I won't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive

Passion or coincidence
Once prompted you to say
"Pride will tear us both apart"
Well now pride's gone out the window
Cross the rooftops
Run away
Left me in the vacuum of my heart

What is happening to me?
Crazy, some'd say
Where is my friend when I need you most?
Gone away

But I won't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive

Papers in the roadside
Tell of suffering and greed
Here today, forgot tomorrow
Ooh, here besides the news
Of holy war and holy need
Ours is just a little sorrowed talk

And I don't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive

Every one
Is my world, I will learn to survive
Any one
Is my world, I will learn to survive
Any one
Is my world
Every one
Is my world


Syd said...

Every day is a challenge for sure. I am glad to find though that there are now strings of days when things are good.

An Irish Friend of Bill said...

I can only speak for myself, but I believe there is a lot of learning to deal with things not going "our way" is to do with having faith that the plan laid out for our lives has substance and meaning, even if it involves things that look on the surface as though they are grave losses.

I really like that slogan rejection is God's protection. My experience has shown me that that particular slogan is being true all the time. I don't remember an example were rejection or loss has not been a good thing.
I have reached a point where I have faith in what ever shows up in my life. That doesn't mean I don't get stressed or suffer from the vagaries of emotion, or the breadth of human experience. I feel all those things, but alongside those feelings I have faith that the path my life is designated to take is the right path for me. And that "all is well". Even if it looks on the surface as though things are not well. Personally, I don't know how people cope with conditions going well or badly without adopting a transcendent view of the situation, seeing beyond the forms presented to them. Unless I see beyond the immediate form everything looks pointless. If I'm thinking about the ether from which all these forms arise, including my thinking including my emotions including what exits and enters my life at any given day, I have peace. I can also have peace with whichever feelings thoughts doubts, irrationalities of the mind present themselves.

Ultimately peace will elude those whose happiness depends upon people places and things, because people places and things will always change day-to-day and will never stay the same. As long as we are willing to tolerate the uncertainty of life and of ourselves, and dwell in the infinite rather than the conditioned as a refuge, the people places and things need not disturb us.

Try to have faith that the things that didn't work out, didn't work out for a very good reason, and are not supposed to be in your life right now. That's what I have found to be true, and I am fortunate enough to believe that wholeheartedly, even when I momentarily drift into habitual self-pity, knowing that the self-pity has no significance or rationality.

Anyway, I'm only talking at length because I'm using my voice dictation software, and it takes very little time for me to do. Hope you have a nice weekend, I will be working all weekend. Good luck with the job situation. I know how unsettling the prospect of redundancy can be. Just do your lousy best and see what happens.

This period of redundancy and job losses and economic downturn reminds me of the section in the 12 x 12 where they described the AA soldiers had who went to war. They had "reliance not defiance". They surrendered their will to the reality of that time, whether it made sense to them or not. I think in difficult times like these that particular passage has a lot to offer.