Leanred Helplessness - in response to yesterdays link

timely for me too,
the uncomfortableness which was
put up with able for a while,
has now gone on for years...
and become the norm ... then reduce
to tears of frustration and powerlessness
everynow again, things chnage a little and then
...return back to same ol same ol ....
misery is optional,
although it doesnt feel like it right now ....
yet to let go absolutely ...
means a stage dive off into the arms ...
of a loving HP ... hasnt let me down yet ...
and only good has even happened when I have ...
not without challenge,
fear and suffrin, but flippin worth it ....
just got to do it ...
why wait ?
Do not delay ?
yeh well i've been tellin myself
it will be different tomorrow,
yeh I have another path to look forward to
and this would tide me over ...
but even that feels like sloth and a copt out
(dishonest to HP)
self will keeps me in learned helplessness,
the easy option, remains the dis-easy option ...
I dont believe God wants me
happy joyeous and free for part of my life,
I believe,
infact I know he wants it for all of me,
access all areas ...
hanging on the towel ... yet its getting harder ...
he wants me, and and i want it too ...
just got to let go of the towel ...
and follow my calling absolutely,
even before the next thing comes up ....
once I know, let go ....
the comfortable life is not always the spiritual life ...
make space for grace ...

first time ever I have made a decision and lented ...
I have been lenting off of cakes,
biscuits and crisps... my things,
and even though I thankfully dont worry
about my consumption,
abstainence of just these things has meant
I am seeing verything, in its full glory ...
lifes to short ...
the spiritual life is not a theory, we have to live it ...
cant have my cake and or eat it... til Easter Sunday :)

God ... is it really is time for me
to get off the cross now because
you need the wood for someone else?!

Make it clear ..... or perhaps you just did ...!

Freddie - I want to break free

Learned helplessness

Paulo Coelho

Step 2 ... Faith ... Hope ... In something thats not me

I am feelinh hopeful
i have been reading
praying
and feeling lighter

i have hope
i havr faith
i have never read about
overcoming abuse

i have never looked at it
as the work if the devil/satan before
only that god did not
have hand in it or stopping it
why? I dunno
strangely thats not so important
i am just glad to find something
that makes sense
and some scripture
to consider and pray over
i feel better
i believe i could be restored
in some way in this area

healing has begun this week
further acceptance its
going to take time
36+ years of brainwashed
in this part of my thinking
is going to take a miracle

i just need You (the great yo)
to keep telling me the trutg
see through the lies i dont know are lies

i am grateful to me sponsor
for challenging me this week
on some lies which i didnt know
were lies
they has been in my head ages
old ideas, maybr true once
but not
now!!

Grateful for all your comments
this week

encouragement touches my heart
and is part of healing
as is straight talking and
common sense
as is humour :)

2 more sleeps :D

Step 1... Deep shame.. There is a solution

S'funny how i remember
From early meetings
Just get it past your teeth
I find it so hard to
Get words past my teeth
And words off the ends of my fingers
Through a keyboard

I feel shame
I feel deep shame
And its sad because
I didn't really know this
Until just recently
Why not?
Because i haven't looked
Hard enough
Or spent time
Considering it because
O know its not my fault
So why feel shame?
See self knowledge does not
Stop the shame
It simply rationalises it

Deep shame
Sadness that it is inside of me
Compassion for me, all of me
Fear of rejection
Fear of finding out the truth
Fear of reality

I have had some clarity
Which separates out two areas
Which has made a difference
I think

One is not dependent on the other
Both need treating independantly
Both with respect
Yet neither must be allowed
To breed new fear
Or shame in the future
Yet i accept a certain amount
Of upheaval inside
Whilst spiritual surgery takes place
Before the truth is revealed
And the healing takes place

Today i couldnt get up
I couldnt enjoy a lay in
I coulnt enjoy
I couldnt enjoy

I did sit and wrote
About my shame
Its all self will
Yet i have to get this stuff out
It cannot be allowed to sit
And fester inside for any longer
I need to keep getting it out
And at some point start to pray!

The thing about being a christian 
Is that i now believe 
In satan aswell as God
And i just read today that
Child abuse is the work of satan
If you want to break the world
Abuse children & they're likely to grow
To be broken adults
Stats are never true for abuse
Yet its scary that satan has his
Hand on so many, so young
And we remain silent hurting
For so long, alone,
Cuts off the relationship
Cuts off fellowship
It makes sense
Child abuse is the work of satan
Healing is done by God

I did finish wallpapering
I have made a decision
To do no more til
After i have at least packed 
For my holiday :)
I just found out there are
Wild dolphins around already this year!! 
Flippin awesome
I am telling you its a magical place
I cant wait !!

Books

I was glad to fund the courage to go to a christian bookshop and ask for refences with scripture. They had a good selection in the healing section. Whilst "The Courage to Heal" gave me identification, it was too hardwork and very text book. I needed
something in thepresent, and something in keeping wuth where i am at now, ie with scripture. Not all of the books below are christian, some are general reading, practical guides, some bio/autobiographical. Incidently i found waterstones had nothing

its like i read, while we remain
ignorant- the abuse remains silent
its true

education - information = change = healing :)

Counselling for toads - robert de board (i read some of this over someones shoulder on a train, based on toad in wind in the willows, humerous yet serious tool) 

Learning to trust again - christa sands

Helping victims of sexual abuse - a sensitive biblical guide for counselling victims and families - lynn heitritter & jeanette vought

Breaking the chains of abuse - a practical guide - sue atkinson (not specifically biblical, just short practical sentences, easy ! Read :)

Inside a cutters mind - clark with henslin

Craving for love - briar whitehead

My friend is struggling with Past Sexual Abuse - josh mcdowell and ed stewart. Project 17:17 

Christianity and child sexual abuse - hilary cashman

Dr neil t anderson - set free (he also does a course covering all kinds of stuff that keeps us in bondage)

The christian handbook of
Abuse, addiction & 
Difficult behaviour
Edited by  brendan geary & jocelyn bryan (looks a good reference for all kinds of stuff)

Released frm bondage- dr neil anderson, dr fernando garzon, judith e. King

The courage to heal - ellen bass & laura davis ( the old 'favourite' which many who have been abused will have been told about, its abit text book and hard work like only read a page or two at a time. But each time i open it, i get what i need at any given time, this time no exeption!! )

Tradition 1 - Our sister the noisy drunk

1. Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends upon A.A. unity.

Without the group, there is no where for the newcomer to go to
When we were in the pub
Everyone talked and no-one listened
In the meetings
we talk one at a time
Sharing our experience strength and hope
For the newcomer who wants it

If someone disrupts the meeting
like our sister the noisy drunk
or without social skills
or just plain disruptive
or whatever
We are entitled to ask that person to leave
If necessary call the police
So that the meeting may continue
ready for when that person
if they want to has a meeting to come back to
or any other newcomer that drops by
who may be ready to hear its message
of recovery

Tradition 5. Each group has but one primary purpose—to carry its message to the alcoholic who still suffers.

Continual sharing of negativity
is not helpful
neither is unfocussed ranting
in meetings

We share in a general way
Experience Strength and hope

for the newcomer's
keep coming back
and stick with the winners

Comment Moderation re-enabled
For the moment

God bless

The Courage to Heal - Ellen Bass & Laura Davis

Due to an side on attack of the demons
in WH Smiths at the Station yesterday

After a 2.5year gap, I bent the cover of
this book again last night

Reality tells me, am pre mental
Step 10's showed me
that my first thought was just
a thin layer of a lie, which seemed the truth
Step10's show me whats under it is far less menacing
and driven by envy, self seeking and self pity
and a desire to be normal... which doesnt exist!
The Courage To Heal showed me I am normal
for someone who was sexually abused as a child
oh yeh and the onset of Pre Mental
am I sync ing with the moon ?

A dirty, unshaven, unkemped
guy back after being out for 6 month
still smelling of drink, and fear, and deep shame, hurt pride
and telling me he has let everyone down
I took him hostage for 10 minutes
it really pushed me, am glad it did
he got me right back in there
and wouldnt let go
and I wouldnt give up
its a newcomers meeting
i needed to get dirty on the floor in there
feel what it was like again

Johno what was really going on in your head at the end ?
Desperate, suicidal, had enough, sick and tired
so what really was it like ?
Confusing, lost, no dignity, out of control
didnt know who I was anymore or where I was going
so what really changed things for you
I became suicidal again, without a drink
blaming AA in my head cos it wasnt working
truth was I wasnt doing anything
except relying on my Sponsor to change the way I felt
You must be bored talking to me
No not really, is this your home group ?
It used to be til I drank, yeh I suppose
So what did you do ?
I eventually did the step work and suggestions
my sponsor gave me
so is your first thought when you open your eyes ?
Oh God do I have to do the day ?
What really ?
Yes really
so how to you get to do things then ?
I stop listening to my head
Huh ?
I had to stop listening to my head
Cos it wants me out there dead
What even now ?
yeh even now
but what is it really that changed things ?
Stopping listening to my head and instead listening to other people
in my home groups who were obviously changing for
the better and doing what they did
Which was what ?
Start the steps, and do the suggestions
and hang in there by my finger nails
dont drink not matter what
and spend all the thinking restless
time I had in meetings
So how long you been sober ?
just over 4 years
And when did it change ?
When I started doing what my sponsor suggested
the best I could, shall we get some tea ?
yeh

Having just told my story to an AA meeting
all men except for 1 other
I felt naked

I flicked through this book last night
needing the identification for how I was feeling
KNOWING it would be in there
see I am not special or different
in any area of my life
Its all there when i need it
just at times need to know where to look

Faith said its in the book, just look
and so is the solution
and it is

The Fear, deep shame, hurt pride of my thinking does not
completely win out now
The i cant tell anyone, may today seem
true (in my head)
Today I know I am a sick person getting well
not a bad person getting good

So am still at the point where I
"want to disclose, cant disclose, wont disclose"
this is where I find Step10's and telling God, saves me
God is not a person
God knows what I think as its happening
and he still with me

With people
Fear...you wont like me when you know what I think!
Faith tells me, my sponsor didnt flinch
when I told her my worst nightmare
Fear & pride says... you should be over this now
Faith says, shut up, I cant help what I think
am not a robot
Fear says... go on then
Faith, is silent

I do know I have much work to do in this area
in fact in many areas
These eskimos always appear at the oddest times
with a demon or two

Thank God I dont have to tackle all
my life problems at one
Just for today

Selotape on mouth firmly
Ignore head completely
and avoid contact with anyone flakey
and just do the basics
for the next 24 hours
This too shall pass for now...

I have an exam on Thursday
either way, my life will change
All this stuff
Is dealable with
inch by inch
I want to pass it

The Courage to Heal by Ellen Bass & Laura Davis
will not suit everyone
It does not have the monopoly on its subject
its authors just offer a solution that works for them
it helps me at times too

Its impossible to stay in a comfort zone
for long
when am in service mode
Are you willing to go to Anylengths... you said
yeh I am, sometimes do I feel though like am
verging on the riduculous :D

Prison Service

Note to God
Dear God I love ya, Am grateful for
being sober and useful
carrying the message of recovery in a prison this evening
One common problem
One VERY REAL solution
One alky helping another
by telling the truth
The language of the heart
I nearly 4 years in AA, I rarely hear many men
share in their stories they have been sexually abused
Tonight 4 out of 8 men shared back that they had been sexually abused
(1 of them I am told had hardly said anything until tonight
about what his experience is)
2 spoke very little
2 shared general stuff
For me it is part of my experience
so I just said that I was
just as I said again it dont make me an alky
I know how alone and isolating it was
and how much of a relief it was to hear
other people who had been where I had been
and who were NO LONGER VICTIMS of it

Thank you God, you amaze me more and more each day
The TRUTH will and does set me and others free

Everybody's normal until you get to know them

We are not saints. P60

Its true
Everyone has issues, flaws, problems, difficulties

Some just live live with them
Some get help to overcome them

Some of them are destructive to other
Some are destructive to self

Some are a problem/difficulty for you and not to me
Some are a problem/difficulty for me and not for you

Having just caught the end of a TV programme, where
a woman just killed herself cos when she was found
out for mental and physical cruelty to her future step
son. Again, its mental illness, no one listened,
no one knew what she went through, so she just
believed what she was doing was ok, and so the cycle of abuse
contiunues... until someone says no and stands by it

To find out that anything I have done for a long period of time
is actually not helping me, and or the people around my
is not something that pleases me, however nowadays I welcome
the truth, its a chance to change for the better.

As in a previous post, I do not understrand the mind of a
child abuser, because I am not one, nor a psychopath!!
and I am grateful for that.

But I do understand a little of the closed mindedness that leads
to destructive behaviour. If we dont want to change we will not.
Even if its illegal or destructive, at the point of finding
out what we do is detructive, is the point where we have to make a
choice, either
SURRENDER and Go to any lengths to recover
or
Go on to the bitter end, thinking only of our very selfish selfs
and not changing, in fact in many cases worsening.

The Big Book talks about this choice P24/P25
One was to go on to the bitter end, blotting out the consciousness of our intolerable situation as best we could; and the other, to accept spiritual help. This we did because we honestly wanted to, and were willing to make the effort.

Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely. P58
This is Self will, arrogance...closed minded, unteacheable

The fact that my life was so unmanageable and not getting any better
was as the result of my drinking and my refusal to accept any help for anything.
Its true, I didnt really make any SERIOUS attempts to change
because I arrogantly (closed mindedly) thought i was ? ok, well as ok as I could be, you know, i was like how I was cos of my ? childhood. I didnt know that there was any other way, I didnt know I didnt have to be "ucked up and I didnt know anyone who had been abused and seemed to live a normal life. I mean who talks about child abuse outside of self help groups, samaritans and Kilroy, and Oprah ?? you dont get many well people talking about how they overcome it and live a normal life...do you ?

Yes I found both in AA
I found women who had abuse similar to mine
an they had overcome their difficulties
they did not shut the door on it
they had archived it approriately
dealt and dealing with it
and brought it out to show me and evidence
AA works on anything
I got hope and willingness to accept Spriritual help
just maybe this could work for me

Step1, Child abuse affects my life
Step2, Yes I came to believe the steps, and AA
could "just maybe" restore me to some sanity
or at least make it a little better" on this area
of my life
Step3, Leave it in Gods hands and Gods Time
Just for today I will not tackle all my life problems
Just do today, today
Step4, All the resentments, fears, the truth (as I saw it)
Step5, We were prepared to look for it from an entirely different angle P66
Step6, Yes am very ready to let go of my old ideas, try and not alow the old ideas and thinking hold me back...well at least try, let Go
Have some compassion for that little girl I was, If a little girl
came up and told me what had happened to her, would I be as hard on her
as I had been to myslef all these years? No.
Well then, have some compassion. DO IT.

This was our course: We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick P66
Pray for the B**t*rds!!

Though we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick too. We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended we said to ourselves, "This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done." P67

Step7, God could and would help me to overcome this stuff
So I asked him, in prayer, to take care of me, change me

Step 8, he was on my list, but was taken off, I hadnt harmed him
the others, not on my list, they disappeared in Step4/Step10

Step 9, not applicable. big Book doesnt suggest we make amends to ourselves

Step 10, This I need to do again this week
I need to contimue to take inventory on it, the fact I have been posting
on this and thinking about it, shows me I need to at least be willing
to sit and take inventory, its come up and I feel uncomfortable
blogging about it, dont know why, am just doing it anyway.

Step11, Will continue to pray on this, I trust God will take care of me
I will continue to seek through prayer and meditation to seek Gods Will for me

Step 12, having had a Spiritual Awakening on this area of my life, I can tell you
I am no longer a victim of child abuse, I survived it, and now I am living each day. I am under no illusion my past may affect future relationships, and will
continue to be honest open minded and willing to address it as it comes up.
To sit theorising in a counselling session seems a little SELF WILLED. I do not need to know why I am like I am or how it may affect me/the other person TODAY.

Honesty, willingness, openmindness, Humility
Keys to freedom

Note to self... take inventory on this TODAY
Stop thinking about it and just do it

The fact that I am a recovering alcoholic
or recovered alcoholic
or just an alcoholic
Is no excuse for continuing any behaviour which
is destructive to self or others
It doesnt explain my actions
nor does it excuse it
TODAY I AM RESPONSIBLE

ok I need a bath