At times I have no idea how to behave

and today was one of them...
living where I am living out of town
I am really feeling the season
and how long it goes on for
and its twists and suprises
and joys and scares

today was too trecherous to cycle
a neighbour gave me a lift to the station
early train got me to work early...
dilemma came
when only two of us arrived...
why am i here?
because I work here...
i travelled the furthest..
well actually the train brought me here
I didnt actually walk it!

snow fell faster
trains started being cancelled
and I didnt know when to leave
I have no idea...
most people didnt even turn up
yet I have a problem leaving
rather than being stranded
to scared to be stranded at work
to scared to leave work
rather strange! but thats how it was

its a first...
first time I have left work early
because of weather
I took some work home
see whilst others snowballed
I couldnt! and didnt
through choice and ignorance
ignorance of whats appropriate

see am used to going to any lengths
turn up at the station until they tell you
the trains arent running
stay at work til they tell you to go home
even at the station going home
they said they are not shutting the stations
yet the snow fell more and more
when he said some trains were breaking down
thats when I stepped on the train...
and tonight went and asked the same neighbour
for a lift tomorrow to station
that was hard...

came home
did some work
just took inventory
I am afraid of this
new situation I have experienced
and afraid of how I reacted/behaved
and what people will think of me

restless, irritable and discontented
because my routine and comfort zone has been
altered by snow
and forced me to go beyond zee
see God picked up the chalk and drew one letter more

pride, self will, self centredness
self centred fear

please remove all my defects of character
and grant me acceptance, courage and wisdom
love and tolerence towards self and others

powerless
and grateful

There's more going on than my eye can see...

Tried a new meeting
locally
it was freezing
I went to find the venue
was 90 minutes early
no where to have a coffee
went back towards the town
and had that ...
"well i could just go home now
its freezing fog
no-one would know
it wouldnt matter
can go another week" feeling
and then I remembered my primary purpose
for going to a meeting
not that I think I am God
but Tradition 5 and Step 12... reasons to not go home!
its not about me...
but in return... I get karma points right :)
for some reason!
I went and had a coffee
read a newspaper
and went back to meeting...

and met the secretary
who i find out
lives close by me than
you can imagine!
I could throw a ball in their garden
from my garden!
yeh I am pretty good at throwing
but still

neither of us know anyone else
in the vicinity
thats in the fellowship

God! your hand is at work
your plan is unfolding
and your incidences
are simply
delightful

I got a lift home
and a loan of a heater!

I have been reading scriptures lately
and listening to more
talks by Menlo Park ministers
John Ortbergs colleagues
and one just blew me away
I have listening to it over and over
again!

On Beyond Zebra Kim Englemann
based upon the beginning of the book
On Beyond Zebra by Dr Seuss
i'll post more on its significance
when I can put it into words
what I can say is that
I only listened to John Ortberg
I have loved this man for around 3 years now
his tone, his humour and love for us and God
and I thought no-one else could match
and then I listened to Kim Engleman
her voice, tone I dont really like
but her humour and love and care for people and God
I love the message
I have listened to this mp3 over and over
why? I love it! I want to go beyond Zee!
I know there is more and I am doing it
in it right now
letting go of perfection
engaging with pride and having to let go of it
more and more
show and accept my imperfect self
my sloth and its consequences
my lust and its consequences
my self will and its consequences
my greed and its consequences
my love for God and its consequences
my willingness to change and be changed and its consequences
my courage to accept all its consequences

Good and bad!! see

This journey I am having
getting to know this Jesus man
and God is getting more and more interesting
Luke 12:16-21
I have no idea when my expiry date is
whether I will be made redundant
and whether anything else bad is going to happen
so I have to trust and have more faith
monday and tuesday
my heating is getting an overhaul!
otherwise I could die a "rich" cold fool!!

off to do more study
tomorrow I become a member of the church
locally I have been going to
making friends
Am I a Christian yet?
I dont flippin' know!
no one seems to care!!!!!!!!!!!
they just say keep coming back! and read Luke...
so I am :)

Grateful for the little things
I have no control over
for now life is good
and for my facebook buddies
Poke!

Especially grateful
that once again its proven
that Gods alphabet starts
where my alphabet ends!!

Faith is the most important
feature in my life
its constant
heat or no heat
alone or with
rich or poor
joyful or sad
faith is there

Step Seven - broke my sulk! choice sulk or practice humility

I was reading step 7 in 12 x 12 last night
and realised I have been sulking
and blaming someone
for my financial insicurity
yes yes I have lots of justifyable reasons
why Its not fair
but the truth is
I am the miserable one and I am creating
and atmosphere because
of my attitude
I am in a situation where
I continue to continue sulking
OR have faith that Gods plan for me will
not club me to death at the beach
I have no idea
what He thinks or whats in store
but so far
he's been good to me
VERY good in fact brilliant

So by the time I re-read 12 x 12 step 7
this morning at 6.30am
to do a chair at early meeting...
getting up was not such a challenge this time
I already knew
practicing humility
and trusting that its all
really happening the way it should be
and its time that i let go of this
selfish, self seeking, selfcenteredness, sulking
and self will in predicting that
I know this thing is a DELIBERATE attempt
to sabotage my pleasure ... err know I dont know this
in fact I know the circumstances
and its not true, its a desperate measure taken by someone
which has nothing to do with me ATALL
so I should mind my own business
and get on with whats in front of me
my job is to be of maximum helpfulness
whether I think or not
so my sulk was broken
managed to go shopping before work
and get there on time
and feel good
today was a good day

Moving happening
taking steps
get things transferred on correct days
accepting not everything has to be done
on exactly that day
first things first!
Prioritize!
phone broadband railfare tv licence
re direct mail and a couple of other things
the rest can wait abit longer...
Progress not perfection

Heres my moral dilemma for today...
I am moving in 10 days time
The hinge came loose on your toilet seat
a week ago
and even though I have "fixed" it
its not going to hold!
would you
a) buy a new one
b) tell her and offer to pay a contribution to a new one
and let her choose
c) leave the lid down with a "post-it" note on the underside
saying,sorry and becareful!
d) bodge it and not sit down on it for 10 days, say nothing
knowing its going to bug your conscience for the next 10 days
and make your life unmanageable...!

I will leave you with that one
while I remain
"impaled on the horns of a young dilemma"
Quote by Stephen Fry
a little longer

Grateful & reality check

Grateful to have been "successful"
that I get to stay in my job
reality check
as to how serious this crunch is

Monday Lehmans
closed up and havent paid anyone...
I think..

which puts my potential
1 months and 2 weeks redundancy
in perspective
at least I had time
yeh I can analyse away and say
well it would have been this and that

I feel
relief
sadness
gladness
the hard work
starts here!
Life goes on!

Its all going to get smaller
which in my opinion
is needed
helping others
a sense of community
one vision
the greater good
fairness and profitable

yeh its easy to get attached
secure
afraid
human
whats the option
dont do anything...

no.
engaging
brings taking part
being part of
cant help feel
insecure
when its in jeopardy

Its ok knowing
not to get attached
and I suppose its
easy when
you arent taking part
to say it
it just to say
well I dont get attached to work
and then feel really afraid of losing
from another part of our lives

if you havent felt a sense of loss
or something like that
when somethings gone or over
then it dont seem
like you really had it in the first place
or didnt give it your all?

What am I on about? I dunno
talking out a resentment I have towards
myself for feeling ANY attachement
however small towards my job!
how intolerence can I be towards myself for gods sake !

I suppose I am justifying
all this stuff
that I hear about
not getting attached
loose garments
let go and let God

I suppose its about
getting involved
but not making the thing, job, money
person, course, house, sea
my higher power?

do you know what I am on about?
It dont matter

I am grateful
tomorrow I go to work
I have extra responsibility from next week
which was inevitable
as we will be a third down
and a chance to learn something new
and I get paid next week!!

head can return to house move by the sea
and uni...
unless there is something else?

Mondays stuff

Alarm went off 5.30
I snoozed it, til 6.50
Then nearly gave up cos I now would be late
Err late for what?
Late for the meeting of course...
So theres no point in going is there
Can you see how my heads going?
Talking me out of antythung
Dragged myself out of bed at 6.15
Stressing I would be late
Feeling the same physical chest pains
Cant breathe properly
Whats this? Like a panic attack? I dunno?
I get this every day pretty much..
Week days
An now I am feeling it, just about going to a meeting
More about NOT getting to the meeting ate
See now I see how really sick I am!...
Afraid of being late for a meeting...

See last week
I realised that I have to change my attitude before anything will change
And I see that praying and willingness is just now enough
Doing the chair last week at the early meeting
It was effortless getting there
See I was giving, I had a purpose
That was not about money or ego
Over the weekend, I sat in meetings
Where I am looking to move to and realised that
Its time for me to take/receive again from our
Huge loving fellowship
Receive unconditionally
Friendship in the new area, stability
5 years sobriety... means nothing
On this portion of my life
I need help i a different way to early recovery
But the meetingas and fellowship
Will do for me what I cant do for myself
In the new area I am making friends already!!
And I haven’t even moved down yet!
This morning I got to the meeting about 7.45
Late! Yeh and then obsessed about whether I would get to work on time
See the dishonesty and fear... that drives me
Nowhere in my head di I say well done for getting there to myself!
Mtng finishes at 8.30 I went and got toast and was at my desk 8.45
15 mins early AGAIN...
AA and the meetings are there for me, its my turn to lean on it
I cant get to work on time
The meetings will helps me...
A Power greater than myself!

Gossip Kills

I fell into the trap of taking inventory and commenting
on a recovering alcoholic who is in the news
on my blog this week
And now I dont feel good

I took his inventory
I took the Steps inventory
I took ALL old timers inventory
I became disillusioned
and suddenly became afraid of long term sobriety
what has it really got to offer ?
does his recent actions mean the steps dont work
Does something happpen and it all changes
What happens to old timers?
Oh My God

Well I have to be honest

I cant be the only one who has ever thought it
And as I have thought it before and I will think it again
GOD help me

The fact is
I dont know if he did the steps
I dont know if he did it thoroughly
I dont know if he continues, improves and passes it on
I dont know if he comes to AA
I dont even know him

So I need to Mind My Own Business
This programme is working for me
When I work it
I need to get on with my own recovery
and get off my self righteous hilltop
stop being arrogant
and leave the poor B*s*t*rd alone
in fact leave everybody alone

God knows will I ever get to long term sobriety ?
I have no idea
Well then... get on with today
and Shut up!

my teeth hurt (am gritting them)
God Bless you all, and I wish you all well

F**kit

I said Shut up
End of!!

Step 7 - Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings

The very abridged version of Johno's journey into Step 7

It doesnt say Humbly asked your Sponsor as you understand Her to remove your thinking or push you down your Spiritual path

The Him with a capital H refers to God (as you understand it)
and the shortcomings are our defects

Ready?Jump

My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad.P76

We must let go absolutly
and continue to
change and be changed
our work never stops
Let Him have all of me, the Lovely bits and the defective bits

no more
deciding when to Rest on Laurels
deciding to hover in comfort zones
deciding that this my our lot
deciding that there are somethings that cannot be changed
deciding I am stuck with habits of a lifetime
deciding the trivial stuff needs no work
deciding which are harmless to me
deciding I know best which to work on and when
deciding I know which of my behaviour affects other and what doesnt
deciding the good bits are good enough

I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character... P76

If I was Purely God driven, I wouldnt have any resentments or fears
I would be driven by pure Love
I am a human, with defects whether I like it or not
Driven by defects, because I knew no other way
Nurtured not natured, no ones fault, western society I suppose
Therefore I need to ask him to remove my defects so I am not ruled by them

... which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. P76

whats trivial, liveable with, not a problem for me
just because I am not aware of it advisersely affecting anyone only myself
there may be someone drinking over the same thing
to them its a difficulty, life threatening

If I live my life driven by self will and fear, then its a complete slap in the face to God and the first 100 members and all the others who carried the message and the lengths everyone since has gone to

Half measures means not allowing the true potential of this Divinely inspired programme to come all over me. What a waste of anylengths

Its me saying that I will continue to put test this thing (you God) out on everything. It doesnt say that I will give all of me and you will make me perfect and so I can put my feet up and pontificate on how I can now and decide when to when not to work, what to work on me and what not too.

There is scarcely any form of trouble and misery which has not been overcome among us.p15

Quite as important was the discovery that spiritual principles would solve all my problems.P42

problem big or small or just something which needs abit of work

Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding. Amen P76

Never underestimate the Power of God (as you understand Him)
Now I have found this Loving one, I have no reason to fear its huge Power
God is Love and it wants the best for me (and you)
Thy will not mine be done
Show me what you want me to do

Live and Let Live Dudes

Notice and EnJOY something each day
Do what needs to be done
ask for help
and keep trying
you'll get it if you want it
what ever it is

Keep working on it

Dont quit before the miracle

PS no Gym sat & sun, its closed (its true, its open office hours)

The Butcher-The Baker-The Candlestick Maker

Or perhaps it should be The Dentist,
The Plumber and the Carpet Fitter

one of the questions on the form
when did you last visit the dentist ?
my answer.....over 10 years ago

As I now believe there are no coincidences
Its not just because I am now solvent
and have money to spend on stuff
It started during step 7
A sense of knowing and taking action in what
to spend money on ie not fixing

At this stage of our progress we are under
heavy pressure and coercion to do the right thing.
We are obliged to choose between the pains of trying
and the certain penalties of failing to do so. P74

We vigorously commenced this way of living as we cleaned
up the past. We have entered the world of the Spirit. Our
next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness.
P84

I can continue to listen to by thinking (see below)
driven by my defects
Or take inventory, pray for defects to be removed
Have some faith and ask for help
in the right people Experts in their field

the carpet fitter and a plumber
both in my flat
and i've been to the dentist twice
all in the space of a few weeks

Did the research
Made decsions to do the right things,
let people in, to help me do things
the right things, cos i want to
not just because I need to

Before that I had lots of excuses
too skint in debt
to afraid to have anyone home
no idea what i wanted
to miserly to spend
to worried about what people think of me
already decided i would be ripped off
no reason to see these people
i would manage the way I was
wait til i really needed them
(in my opinion)
anyway my teeth are not as important
.... as carpets and decorating are they!?

Strangely
I made the decsion to see the dentist
no immediate pain or worries
just knew it was the right thing to do
(after a 10year gap) no pun intended!!
to spend money on my teeth
to maintain them seemed as important
as decorating, carpetting AND
maintaining my flat (plumbing)

Plumbing, also not essential
I could have managed longer
(in my opinion)

Again it seems that these things I have NOW
need to be maintained to a level
Flat, body, mind, spirit all need looking after
or they fall to pieces
The aging process will take effect anyway

But I will no longer use the excuses
that I have no time, I am too sick
I cant afford it, I cant take time off work,
I'll call them tomorrow, theiyll rip me off
it'll cost a fortune
not Gods will

And we have ceased fighting anything or
anyone-even alcohol. For by this time sanity
will have returned. P84

ALL that I have been given is a gift
I have choices today what I do
Or is it that I dont have a choice
... its just do the right thing
Its like resistance is difficult
Have stopped fighting anything and everyone
But havent bcome a victim

Dentist..... had a real scale and polish
more like excavate.... lots of stuff to pick out!!!
It took one check up 15 minutes and
less than half an hour treatment
1 filling, or coating no sure what its called
am sitting here with a fat lip, cheek and chin
no food or drink til and no longer numb!!!
yeah am dead lucky
thats all for 6 months
She gave me a plan
brush twice not once a day, or not atall
get a smaller toothbrush
.... cos my mouths very small (its true)
Teeth look a millions dollars
See what do I know!!!

Plumber
One days work inc sourcing the materials
Job done
Fear now gone
Suprised!

Carpet fitter
Great fun, flat now looks amazing
Did a room at a time as I decorated
over a period of a few weeks
helped me move furniture
job done, i just had to ask!!!

Decorating
Done by yours truly
Day, hours at a time, 3 rooms
Abit like step 4 needed doing thoroughly
But its so worth it!!!
So am I

.......40 minutes to go then I can eat

You said it gets better if i kept coming back
this IS all so amazing
Even in its ordinaryness

I coud not have done any of this before
God done for me what I couldnt do for myself
All I have to do was
Honesty, willingness and openminded
and keep turning up NO MATTER WHAT!!!

Oh yeh and i stopped at a wood furniture shop
on the way to dentist, to find out about having
some furniture made....

Someone once said that money WAS good for the soul
Now I do believe it

P74 AA 12 steps & 12 traditions
P84 Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous

A quarter of a year has past.....

Since I last blogged.
January
Mum got sick
February
she got sicker
March
She died

The amazing thing is all through this I have been looked after...
I have had an inner strength which i cannot explain

At times when i would have expected full on self pity there was none

when I expected greed, there was none

when I expected sulking, there was very little

What I have now is to allow myself to grieve
bit not wallow in self pity & analysis

to allow the truth to come about the relationship
the real stuff

To share with God what i feel, felt is a gift
to be able to cry is a gift
to comfort rather than to be comforted
to allow people to love me in their own way
to understand rather than to be understood

to keep showing up
to allow my imperfect self to show up
to be able to greive is a gift, some people never get this

some people i hear, get married in grief
some people bottle up and breakdown years later

I kept on with my best on each day
have the willingness to step up a gear when i can
progress not perfection

I have just Step4 a year of dishonesty, seen how much i was using, relying, depending upon people to get me through.
Interestingly for me, the last 4days of this step4, each time i sat down to do it I had a vivid taste & smell of vodka which wouldnt shift.
The disease of my mind is very powerful it really wants me drinking.
I checked everything, nothing in food, washing powder nothing...its all centred in the mind.

Recently trudging became harder, sludging really
I questioned my labor, my actions.
Yes always room for improvement to be made
But I wasnt able
Tired, exhausted
upset, sleepless nights
nightmares
simple jobs became difficult & impossible
unmanageable...
sounds like untreated alcohol
grieving over the loss of someone, instead of something...alcohol
Stayed honest & willing & openminded...
THIS TOO SHALL PASS

I started to get lonely, no identification
I had to check in with other greivers as my family were just FINE!!!
As soon as i checked out the symptoms of grief
Identification, ok I accept
now the road am trudging isnt as sludgy
its levelling out again
the lack of fellow people grievers doesnt seem to matter

grief seems to have similar symptoms regardless of whether its people places & things.
same symptoms we just suffer them at different degrees at different times

well thats how it is for me anyway
ITS PASSING

as usual I am grateful
for having an unshakeable faith in honesty
For step10's
For a gentle loving God
For being very sober
for the willlingness to try
for trying to hear Gods will not mine
for trying to do Gods will not mine
for losing this faulty dependence upon people
for noticing this reliance on God can also bring about an arrogance
for remembering I am not God, just trying to do Gods will
for being ready to not let my defects take control
For everything AA has given me so far
For having been born (thanks mum)
For understanding a little more about the meaning of life
Unity, Recovery, Service
Unconditional Love
Progress not perfection

Keep coming back

With the Fork

Unblocking with the fork

Got invited, or was it pummelled into nearly going to yet another step7 meeting tonight... To focus on my shortcomings, I was told.

I dont believe it was self will run riot, when after quiet reflection & saying out loud, I decided not to focus on my shortcomings, I have been doing enough of that recently. Time to focus on the solution.

My current shortcoming, is that I am not praying and not getting divine help with my step 8, thus not allowing myself potential growth. Shame huh. Living on the edge, rebel without a cause. Who gives a toss. Truth is its my recovery no-one elses.

Reality is today, I want to pray, want to ask for help, want to get on with my step 8, want to grow. Have done all the talking, whinging, reasoning, sharing, weighing it all up, fearing up, analysing. So there's nothing left to do, except do.

Gaining inspiration from the Story Bin, last night, I decided to

"Remember to keep the Fork with me"
"Dont let the Fork go"

If you are told after a meal to keep your fork you know there is something much better possibly yet to come.

So today I "used the fork"
May the Fork be with me
May the Fork always be with you to
Fork it it worked, more step 8 done tonight.

Sense of humour returns

Another good day in the 4th Dimension

I did have a sulk today, by the way aswell, just a short one, couple of toys, gor pushed right to the edge of the pram. Luckily, thanks to last nights chair, I seen that even though I believed I was right, I used the analogy that maybe today wasnt the day to argue the cause, no matter how justified. Sulking is the only tool I have, at present, which leads me to acceptance. I try and do it quietly, unfortunately, its written all over my face. Paper bags arent allowed to be worn during the day unfortunetely. Progress not perfection.

Still a good day, I left work at work where it belongs.

Special thanks to "Keep the Fork" Posted by Cindy Ludwig 27 Feb 2000. Story Bin