Friday, August 31, 2007

Tying up the loose ends

That was the week that was!!
Its a week similar to most weeks
Full not frantic
Service not rescuing
Giving freely without resentment
Taking on new opportunities not risk taking
Taking Care of myself - H.A.L.T
Bringing my will in line with Gods (attempting the exam)
Letting my Heart be free of a 20 year ? regret
To thine own self be true

I thought of something else to post lastnight
and forgot it again by this morning
Which shows me
it either wasnt important
or I need to not let anything pass me by
I know like the exam
whatever the thought was
it'll come round again
I just dont know when

Physical wellbeing ?
Step 10's
More action
just had A good massage
Letting Go

Mental wellbeing ?
Letting Go
getting out of comfort zone

Spiritual wellbeing ?
All of the above
especially Step10's
and anylengths

Any regrets?
Not paying attention to that thought
Not going to the gym
Acceptance is the answer...
Progress not perfection
Back on the Gym next week!!

Home group tonight - Step 1
Tea before meeting
Group Read the Chapter The Doctors Opinion
Someone tells their story around this step
Then everyone shares back
Tea again afterwards
Then off to the cafe for more fellowship
(the meeting after the meeting)

I love being sober and being in recovery
recovered or whatever I am
I thought the worst thing would be finding out I am an alcoholic
when actually look at all this good stuff thats going on
Its the best thing
And guess what?
as I said to my sponsee this morning
You think this weeks been a good week?
Its going to get even better!!
She is more skeptical than I
But even I have difficulty believeing
its really gonna get any better than this!
This is the Best I ever had it :D

I have a fun weekend ahead
In the morning going home - Nottingham
Sponsored walk - Race For Life
fun and ice cream
and a home cooked Sunday Roast!!
Chez Dad

Have a great weekend ALL!!

Ps Please pray for dry weather PLEEZE
Our walks been rained off once this year already

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Exam done - now let go (Of this area of my life)

My boss insisted I left really early today
to get there without stress
I said I was more concerned about getting there
that the exam itself
I thanked her for her support
and she said I support her loads
She text me good luck too!!

Its funny again the way my family dont remember
or perhaps I should say
my Dad and brother
these things that to me are huge
they dont follow up
and yet, she has encouraged me all the way
(except for this initial disbelief... you're going to study what ? you?)
yeh me, get over it, she did very quickly

the more I read
Men are from Mars, Women are From Venus
My Dad, Brother, yours and my own actions suprise me less!!

Like with recovery
If I take it seriously, when people say I meant business
they took my recovery seriously too
If I look people in the eye and say
this is who I am, this is who I would like to be
and I am gonna give it my best shot
they seem to respond
Family just seem to grunt and turn the TV on
bless 'em, it takes them a little longer to process stuff :)

Turned up plenty of time
and the fire alarm had gone off
and was still going off
so the building was evacuated...
Yeh a sense of humour God I love ya
I laughed!!

they gave me a piece of paper
said what room 1-17 to go to
so I went up too far and came down again
found the room it was locked and it was the
photocopier room... is it me ?

Found someone to ask
yeh its in here...
Got the paper
Sat down
Looked at it
and it was in Greek
well it may well have been...

Long sentences
on a subject I know nothing about
and I have to do these things
write some answers
and then AND THEN
write an essay
i cant do this, SIGH

God sat next to me
he read the paper and appeared to frown
then looked me in the heart and said
Read the instructions and follow them
Its too hard
B.S. you havent done anything yet !
You swore
do it, it says attempt all of them, so attempt
it doesnt say perfect each answer
it says attempt each question
Ready ? stop crossing and uncrossing your legs
you can either sit here
sulking and building up regrets
or you can read that sheet and then write
Jump in NOW or walk away
Anylengths Johno... are you willing to do My will
Its My Will you attempt this
Am afraid of failing, and of what people will think of me
yet I feel it dont matter now, what people think
The People that matter dont mind and the people that mind, dont matter
Ok, shut up, times running out
Stop listening to your head and listen to me
I know you are afraid and your prides right up there
just do it anyway for Me
Its times like these, we need to look at the evidence
When everything hasnt gone you way
have you been ok ?
yeh, better things have come
thats right, so have faith
Rejection is ALSO My Protection
Either way you Win
Surrender to Win, I Love you you know
Now your getting sloppy
Ok I will

I did attempt each question
My best
If you had given it me yesterday
It would have been the same
If you gave it me again now
I would do the same again
I have no regrets
Heart full in the room
Head in and out of fear
Just make an honest attempt each one...
one at a time, the easiest one first

I left, in a daze, no suprise
My sick friend left a message
So straight away, my mind is off exam and on service

I did my Best
Now I must let go til next week.
Pass or not, the furniture has been rearranged
and this head will NEVER return to how it was 3 weeks ago
my Heart is now VERY happy
It has waited and waited for 20 years to experience TODAY
Its never experienced getting this far in the process
It never got as far as writing my name on the application form
It has never applied for the course it has always wanted
until TODAY
God waits and keeps calling, until we eventually listen
This path was dug aa long while ago
See I have no idea what the outcome will be
I just did what my Heart, and God wanted
Just to attempt it

By the time I got to the underground
Pass, next step is student services for help
with writing and study skills.
Fail, next question to them
Why it was a fail?
and then
What steps they suggest I need to take stand me
in good stead for next years intake?

So its a WIN WIN situation

Thanks for the encouragment and wishes
And God thanks being right here
Going for a bath
then have my hot chocolate
in bed

Oh yeh and God
Thanks for keeping me sober today
I have had no thoughts or desire to drink today
I am a very grateful alcoholic

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Alcoholism is a KILLER illness - like Cancer and Heart Disease

If you had cancer, would you skip chemo ?

Over a period of months, nearly a year
I have learned a very big lesson in acceptance and powerlessness
as I watched
A friend
Have everything stripped away
her health
her hope
her dignity
her lover
her friends
her ability to be a friend
her ability to love and be loved
her home
her job
her status
her self esteem
her financial security

I couldnt work it out, why...
it didnt make sense
until now
I seen how REALLY POWERFUL alcohol is
it has also stripped her of the ability to be honest

I seeing more and more how
insidious this 'ucking ALCOHOL IS

It just wants to get her on her own and kill her
and it just about did!!

The Unhappiest person in the world is the chronic alcoholic who has an insistent yearning to enjoy life as he once knew it, but cannot picture life without alcohol. he has a heart-breaking obsession that by some miracle of control he will be able to do so. Who Me ?


God loves you just the way you are
BUT HE loves you far to much to have you stay like this

This ones for you
If like me you are not comfortable with the
"Jesus" try substituting it with "Honesty"
or something else "Good"
He wont mind, trust me :)

Matt Redman - Heart of Worship

Turn towards and Stop fighting
let the sunlight shine on you
Take Care from all the Experts in their fields
that you are surrounded by for ALL your DIFFICULTIES
Surrender and follow suggestions

trust, have faith in AA, to help you with that "ucking alcohol
wrap that big old snuggly AA duvet around you
we are all in it together, Gods in here too
and a few eskimos i'll bet
with the odd bottle of scotch hidden away!
its a VERY big AA bed, and just for today
I am not seeing anything dodgy gowin on
in here, nothing to be afraid or ashamed of...

All that Good stuff what you had before
that stuff that made your eyes shine
when you spoke of it
you WILL get it back again
and more besides
you have to be prepared put in the action
any lengths

The two friends spoke of their spiritual experience and
told him about the course of action they carried out. P157

Come back to the heart of worship
Enjoy again that life of AA service you once
knew what it it is to be
usefully whole
Its all there waiting - if you work for it
a friend amongst friends
a considerate lover
a reliable mother
a colleague

God stepped in and said rather louder than usual - enough Johno, GET DOWN NOW! your self wills becoming very obvious to Me
ok, but, you know, it stopped me thinking about that
exam tomorrow though didnt it!!
yeh I saw, stop butting, and leave it with me, He smiled, now go to bed
ok see Ya
you will
Bed, NOW
am scared
leave it with the exam and your fear with me and go to sleep
ok thanks

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

The Courage to Heal - Ellen Bass & Laura Davis

Due to an side on attack of the demons
in WH Smiths at the Station yesterday

After a 2.5year gap, I bent the cover of
this book again last night

Reality tells me, am pre mental
Step 10's showed me
that my first thought was just
a thin layer of a lie, which seemed the truth
Step10's show me whats under it is far less menacing
and driven by envy, self seeking and self pity
and a desire to be normal... which doesnt exist!
The Courage To Heal showed me I am normal
for someone who was sexually abused as a child
oh yeh and the onset of Pre Mental
am I sync ing with the moon ?

A dirty, unshaven, unkemped
guy back after being out for 6 month
still smelling of drink, and fear, and deep shame, hurt pride
and telling me he has let everyone down
I took him hostage for 10 minutes
it really pushed me, am glad it did
he got me right back in there
and wouldnt let go
and I wouldnt give up
its a newcomers meeting
i needed to get dirty on the floor in there
feel what it was like again

Johno what was really going on in your head at the end ?
Desperate, suicidal, had enough, sick and tired
so what really was it like ?
Confusing, lost, no dignity, out of control
didnt know who I was anymore or where I was going

so what really changed things for you
I became suicidal again, without a drink
blaming AA in my head cos it wasnt working
truth was I wasnt doing anything
except relying on my Sponsor to change the way I felt

You must be bored talking to me
No not really, is this your home group ?
It used to be til I drank, yeh I suppose
So what did you do ?
I eventually did the step work and suggestions
my sponsor gave me
so is your first thought when you open your eyes ?
Oh God do I have to do the day ?
What really ?
Yes really
so how to you get to do things then ?
I stop listening to my head
Huh ?
I had to stop listening to my head
Cos it wants me out there dead
What even now ?
yeh even now
but what is it really that changed things ?
Stopping listening to my head and instead listening to other people
in my home groups who were obviously changing for

the better and doing what they did
Which was what ?
Start the steps, and do the suggestions
and hang in there by my finger nails
dont drink not matter what
and spend all the thinking restless
time I had in meetings

So how long you been sober ?
just over 4 years
And when did it change ?
When I started doing what my sponsor suggested
the best I could, shall we get some tea ?


Having just told my story to an AA meeting
all men except for 1 other
I felt naked

I flicked through this book last night
needing the identification for how I was feeling
KNOWING it would be in there
see I am not special or different
in any area of my life
Its all there when i need it
just at times need to know where to look

Faith said its in the book, just look
and so is the solution
and it is

The Fear, deep shame, hurt pride of my thinking does not
completely win out now
The i cant tell anyone, may today seem
true (in my head)
Today I know I am a sick person getting well
not a bad person getting good

So am still at the point where I
"want to disclose, cant disclose, wont disclose"
this is where I find Step10's and telling God, saves me
God is not a person
God knows what I think as its happening
and he still with me

With people wont like me when you know what I think!
Faith tells me, my sponsor didnt flinch
when I told her my worst nightmare

Fear & pride says... you should be over this now
Faith says, shut up, I cant help what I think
am not a robot

Fear says... go on then
Faith, is silent

I do know I have much work to do in this area
in fact in many areas
These eskimos always appear at the oddest times
with a demon or two

Thank God I dont have to tackle all
my life problems at one
Just for today

Selotape on mouth firmly
Ignore head completely
and avoid contact with anyone flakey
and just do the basics
for the next 24 hours
This too shall pass for now...

I have an exam on Thursday
either way, my life will change
All this stuff
Is dealable with
inch by inch
I want to pass it

The Courage to Heal by Ellen Bass & Laura Davis
will not suit everyone
It does not have the monopoly on its subject
its authors just offer a solution that works for them
it helps me at times too

Its impossible to stay in a comfort zone
for long
when am in service mode
Are you willing to go to Anylengths... you said
yeh I am, sometimes do I feel though like am
verging on the riduculous :D

Monday, August 27, 2007

The Chalice Prayer - a gift from Susan

Father, to Thee I raise my whole being
- a vessel emptied of self. Accept, Lord
this emptiness, and so fill me with
Thyself - Thy Light, Thy Love, Thy Life
- that these Thy precious Gifts may
radiate trough me and overflow
the chalice of my heart into
the hearts of all with whome I
come in contact this day
revealing unto them
the beauty of
Thy Joy
the serenity
of thy Peace
which nothing can destroy

At church they sometimes give us these notes on the talk
I started out by filling these in
all enthusiastically and then got home and filed them
in a drawer never to be looked at again.
So I have tended recently to listen
make any relevent notes on my
phone. Note to self etc...
I picked up a note sheet as usual
and then as the talk went on just left it to one side
and listened....
I while into it
a woman flustered came in
perched at the side
and started making notes
she asked my neighbour a few things
and then started writing
she didnt have the "Notes"
I reached over and gave her mine
I hadnt wanted to
twice I decided against it
I wanted to keep it just in case
I was missing something
See my experience of previous times
shows me I have no need for these notes
What I miss, I can listen again
on the website HTB sunday talks
anytime I want
So I just leaned over and mumbled "here you go"
and gave her my notes
Her face shone
Like I had just given her a million pounds
it shocked me
See I dunno what people need or dont need
do i ?
Near the end, she leaned over
and mumbled, "she would like me to have this"
and passed me a copy of this prayer
At the end I stopped by her and thanked her
She said it means alot to her
someone had given it to her when her dad died
in africa
Fighting back the tears
I said it will mean alot to me now too cos my mum
died in africa last year
She "blessed me"
Introduced herself and I to her
and then we said Goodbye
AGAIN ... there are no coincidences
I have said this prayer this morning
Its lovely
And fits perfectly in
Thank you Susan
Oh and heres a couple more NEW friends Red Head Gal
and Rhonda, go say Hi if you havent met already!!
hey, how slow am I
I just realised, the prayer is in the shape
of a Chalice... how cool :D
happy bank holiday
Me am off to Guildford this afternoon
Do a chair
I have never been to Guildford
AA takes me places I would never have
otherwise strayed
geographically, mentally, physically
spiritually and emotionally
And for that I am grateful

Sunday, August 26, 2007

Meet Molly and Johna, new friends i met this week

is in her early days

and Molly
is in her 2nd month sober

Keep coming back!!

Happy Sunday all

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Back to Plastic and little cash - Spain here we come

A week last Thursday
I lost my wallet
I now have everything replaced
except the wallet
So life now resumes
Bcak to carrying very little cash
and purchases via plastic
have caught up with
tickets to book
travel to arrange
and am now looking
Spanish AA Convention
(Takes seconds to download PDF)
Saturday night is cabaret
All recovering alkys, no professionals!!
Then ya see what NO FEAR is!!

This will be my 3rd time
So will book it this weekend
Theres nothing like Nov/Dec
Sun, brighter light and warmth
combined with a beachfront hotel
out of season - no tourists
a wide sandy beach and the sea
to lift my spirit within

This year I plan to do the meditaion workshop
I didnt feel worthy of last year
and sat on the balcony watching and listening

Have to say, I didnt enjoy the convention last year
But I do love the long weekend away
and the opportunity to
go to meetings or not
and not feel that desperate like i used to
that if I didnt go, I was not working it!
and the pool, sand, sea, bright daylight
blue sky
I love Fuengirola out of season

I used to go every year with my ex
we had lots of drunken arguments
lots of memories
To go back sober a few years ago
was a result, I love the place now
I always had a fondness for it, drunk
but now i love it sober too

Nearly bought a place to do up out there once
in fact more than once
in the mountains, with an orange and lemon trees
the view every morning would have been
snow topped mountain
neighbours would be farmers and locals
selling fruit and produce locally

Life would have been differnt
if we had bought then
I doubt I would be sober today
We broke up before I got sober anyway
Buying a PROPERTY seemed like a good idea
it was a great idea

the reality was
another something to deal with
yeh would have some enjoyment
but would not have experienced it fully
how could I ? overstretched
too many things to deal with
when i was completely unmanageable as it was

Today, buying a property abroad
especially in Spain
doesn't seem like a fix
it is a possibility
something I would like
for the future
not yet though
much work to do here first
it doesnt fit at the moment
so i must wait

I just realised thats
2 properties
one i bought
and one I nearly bought

Tradition 6, is a major help
for me to curb my
purchases of property
a spending over £5 in money
in a dishonest attempt
to boost my ego and self esteem

Also the questions
Can I afford it ?
Am I worth it ?

is a good measure on whether
I am to buy or not buy
If there is a slight hesitation
on a yes and yes
then I generally leave it another day or two
before looking at it again

I dont count food in the above
Food is a necessity and a way of life
I am thankful that nowadays,
I can afford to buy
the organic, fresh food that I used to
and that I do buy this stuff
and eat it, not let it rot in the fridge
and have the choice to eat the odd
KFC, Krispy Kreme and Egg Custard!!

I feel blessed for this, not guilty
that I can
as i know this is not everyones experience

Boy meets Girl on AA campus

Yeh am jealous, its true
I will get over it
Thats not what this post is about
Trust me

because at the same time
I really want them to get it on
if its the right thing
Summers nearly over dudes!!

Over a period of months I have been
two people well on beam
well in with HP
well in with service
well over step 9
well over their 1st anniversary

watching this dance of the porcupines
John Ortberg Talks about in his book
In Everybodys normal till you get to know them
The dance that people do
when their thoughts turn to love
when they want to get together
but dont want to hurt or be hurt
is it worth it, no it isnt
its over before its started

See I seeing it in someone else
and I really want them to be happy
whichever way it goes
Its actually abit painful watching
something not happen...

Even porcupines who can kill with a spine
or one wrong move
yet they want the Oneness
The porcupine like hedgehogs
every season is faced with a dilemma
Yet they do manage to make love

theres hope for us all
If we want it
and are willing to take a risk
amazing things can be acomplished
In Love

So I will pray for anyone out there
thats thinking, wishin and hopin for some Summer Lovin'
Give it to them... If it be Your will!!

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Went to the dentist - and remembered when

Dear Mum

I went to the dentist this evening
and sat on plastic chairs
in roughly painted waiting room
with cheap wooden doors
and out dated mazazines
read the posters on the walls
and learned about
dentine, gum disease and plaque

Suddenly I remembered when
you took me time after time
to the orthodontist
to have my braces fitted
not just once
over and over
at different times
at times it we were always going
for the upper teeth or lower
this brace, that brace
tweeking, tightening
too many teeth in a small space

You took time off work
we went on the bus
or you took the car
we always arrived in plenty of time
you always dressed up
and waited patiently with me
you listened to what they had to say
you always went with me
and you always took me back to school

The times we looked for parking
and thought we would be late and werent
The time I had 4 teeth out by Gas
and puked up on the way home
you looked after me
you took time off work
you never complained
you never cancelled the appointments
you never let me miss one
you put my teeth very high on your priority list

I suddenly wanted you there, and its not possible
I suddenly wanted to hug you, and its not possible
I suddenly wanted to tell you how my teeth are doing
I suddenly started to cry

I dont remember ever thanking you

So thank you Mum
Now I am grateful
and see what you did for me

Today I went to the dentist
My dentist hugged me
and was plaesed to see me
She listened as I told her the truth
about how my teeth and gums
had been since last time
and that I was taking more care since last time
(6months ago)
she told gave me information
about my wisdom teeth and gums
and how I could accept this will happen
and take care when it does
and she showed me how to take care
or have an operation for their removal
Its a choice

having an expert HP in dentistry give me a choice
and both are equally the right thing to do
is great
No need for an operation
I can just take extra care when
the wisdom tooth thing happens
which is only about twice a year
Liveable with when you know what it is

My dentist loves my teeth more than I do
Clearly, checked each one
picked each one and cleaned each one
she said they are perfect!!
She said last time if I got into the habit
of brushing more regularly
she would show me how to floss
First things First...

I asked her to show me how to floss
Cos I never have
and so today, she did
she flossed while I held a mirror
and watched what she did
how cool is that

Today I had a lesson in flossing
Not bad huh
Next step, to buy some
she says I need the strip not the string type

Teeth cleaning twice a day
is not something yet that I manage
This does not mean my mouth is like a sewer
Clearly its not!!
This doesnt mean that I rest in my laurels
Continue and improve

I think I would like to love my teeth
like you did and my AA dentist does
I left it a long time before taking responsibility
and I have been so lucky that
they havent deteriorated
I am really blessed

Thank you Mum

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Mums Will not Mine be done - Tradition 6

6. An A.A. group ought never endorse, finance or lend the A.A. name to any related facility or outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property and prestige divert us from our primary purpose.

Ok, I am not an AA group
this is only my interpretation
of how I use this Tradition
in this area of my life today
This is not AA endorsed
Just a share of my experience
Of what helps me

With Will (thats Mums not mine)
have written out a first draft of the division
as I see it
will go over it again later
and send it off to brother
Strip to basics
Whats in the estate
how much is liquid
and how much isnt (groan)
BEFORE veering off
These things are rarely straightforward

If we could predict when we were gonna die
We would rewrite our wills just before
I am sure
Even then it wouldnt all fit with those left behind
I am sure

Thank God for Tradition 6
Its not my money, its a gift
For me, I have in the last few years
Has a closeness with my brother
across the miles that I never had before
and its lovely and gets stronger
he's even on facebook now LOL

With the help of Tradition 6
I will try and not let
Money, Property and Prestige
Divert me from my primary purpose
In this area of my life
Executing Mums will
Taking into account
what she did with "her estate"
post will
and before she died
and my brother
and his ex
and our neices/children
and me

In this area of my life
Being an responsible executor
But not a megalomaniac
Being a beneficiary
but not a victim
Doing the right thing TODAY
As opposed to what the will says, when it was written
Trying to walking a mile in my deceased mums shoes
with the help of my DAD, his fiance, mums best friend
my brother, his ex
and my own knowledge, and spiritual principles
Prayer and God
Not putting money before Love
I love my brother more than I love money its true
I would give all this money to him rather than lose him

I would rather let go of all the money than my sobriety
over a resentment, thank God for Step10's and Prayers

Fighting over this
Is not Mums Will
lying down, legs in the air and doing the dying fly
Is not in Mums will either

Thats how it is today, its real
Money is right sized, its true
First though is... I want my share, all of it, I cant wait for it
and my mental defense God kicks in any says
well its only money, a gift from your Mum
and what you gonna spend it on TODAY ?
Needs not wants Johno (Stella ;)
Love and Service and Tradition 6

Setting and example
Confronting whats written
without aggression or fear
without greed
without arrogance, rigidness
Confronting what we are dealing with
even though its abit messy
Its not as bad as some peoples estates I hear

Thankfully I dont feel a victim in all this
Nor do I feel that I have all Power
Just gratitude for trying out this stuff
on yet another area of my life
which will undoubtedly help me
and my brother and the kids

The fact that I have a large sum of money in my account
and I dont have a cash card to draw any money from it
cos I lost it, last week...

I dont think so God

yeh am dealing with this grown up like
as it should be
no running, no spending before its sorted
no doing things without
full agreement with brother
being transparent with it all
no woolly figures
all exact (as it can be)
no fear no limits
no victims, just volunteers
Its lovely

the will states x
due to whats happened since the Will being written
and before death
means that to rigidly stick to
"I want my share"
would be time consuming and costly
peoples homes to be sold
lives turned upside down
inorder to rigidly say
this is what am due

Read to the end of Tradition 6..
heres how it works for me

But Johno they tell me
you are due your share...
we wouldnt have written the will like that...
the money shouldnt have got spent like that...
he must give up some of his share...
they are his kids not your problem....
he always gets what he wants...
my old ideas agree

old ideas no longer match my perfect ideal
Spiritual principles do match my perfect ideal
and I love what they already have done for me
and I trust they will for this too
And acceptance is the answer...
Whats written is done... cannot be changed
part has been pre divided is done... cannot be changed

My response today is
"I know that" I said
"But this is no time for legalities
Alcoholics Anonymous,
has given me tools so I am NOT driven by
greed or a belief that money will bring me happiness
or improve my relationship with my brother
and neices, without money already I have these two things
in abundance, beyond anything I could ever have dreamed,
and AA saved my life,
I wont be the guy to land
my sobriety, my ego, my mind in Big time trouble,
and this would really do it"

Oddly enough this money comes with a price
and its simply that
I must be willing to give it all away
(it being money)
to keep it
(it being sobriety, serenity and peace of mind)
and so I shall

Gods in charge

Am Feeling Myself Again

Confrontation last night
Non agressive
just reaffirming whats already been said
an admission
our parts in it
no apology for the content of my suggestion
just for the delivery
God she's just like me
Re visited the TELL THE TRUTH
Even if its not what you think I want to hear

Also said didnt realise how tired I was
and was going for an early night
Its amazing how an admission of humanness
Softens up people, even if not asking for it

Also reminded Sponsor is not best friend
Will often say what she dont want to hear
It eases my conscience that I said it
Reminding especially when its so early days
Selfish, but whatever

Sponsee came over
Read some more big book
God am lucky
I can see it working before my very eyes
defiance & fear
willingness & trust
defiance & fear
willingness & trust
over and over
Its exhausting for me
walking it with her...
Its cool aswell

She's now off out
Not looking for some vicarious pleasure
Looking forward to it...
with apprehension that "i wouldnt let her"!?
or its not "programme"
How cool is P101, 102... its all in there
I dont need to tell her or decide
I just show her and let her be honest
To thine own self be true

Selotape off mouth again
Trust the process

Tuesday, August 21, 2007


The most satisfactory years lie ahead

Collected my chip :)
and had my mums money from the will
drop in my account
that bit finally sorted
now I have to get through my brothers flippancy
and my fear
More prayers required
out of comfort zone on Saturday
coming down from this Pink Cloud
I feel rather quiet
Rather tearful
Rather want to run and dive under the duvet
sorting my mums money is not over yet
its just the start now
(a day at a time)
Home Group tonight
then do the world and myself a favour
and go to bed
Well thats the plan

I also need to selotape my mouth up
for the next week or so
I can feel a load of self will and control freakishness
coming my way
Intolerent today
with one who says one thing and does something else
She says she is not working it...
because she didnt call me!?
what she means is she's not doing
the suggestions, her step work, perfectly!?
therefore she calls that "not working it atall"
therefore she feels she is worthy of a slap
therefore all suggestions I gave
just dig that knife she has in herself a little deeper
and resentment builds cos
she is doing it and just didnt tell the truth
that she was doing some stuff

Why do WE ALL beat ourselves up and believe
in our heads that others will bash us
for anything less than perfection ?

I Turned into the Anti Christ for a short time
Reminding myself and her of my role in this
Just the messenger
She does the work
Her recovery is her responsibility

what I am and what I am not
I dont feel good
I dont like confrontation
I have to honour this again
And let go of self will and fear again!!

Coping with the ordinary, satisfactory
Is something I need to practice
I dont know how much leash to give
and when not to
I was reminded over and over what I needed to do
Instead of saying I know, I just thought it
and then I said ok
and then later glad for the reminders
even though I know, I need reminding

Oh well, I can only try
Am working with people, just like me
slippery fish

Grateful for not listening to my head
and running away from it all

Monday, August 20, 2007

20th August 2003 - what happened - 20th August 2007 Now

Woke up terrified
went back to sleep
woke up couldnt give a toss
would have to go to work
theyd all be talking about me
perhaps it werent that bad

Crawled out of bed
remarkably early... wide awake
stinking of cigarettes
last nights indian food
lager breath
put on same shoes I has peed in the night before
had a bath believe it or not
and went to work
arrived before most people
I felt like nothing
no fear, no shame, nothing
just walked in, ? numb
Armour well on
whatever was gonna happen
I was gonna take it

Crush was there already
"what kind of person do you think I am that
would ignore you like you described on your sms's?"
I dunno, said I
"I was in a train full of people, i didnt want
to take the calls"
Oh said I
"I dont like you when you drink Stella"
I went cold
"I dont like me when I drink" said I
I dont think I had ever said this before
I really had a low opinion of myself
but I had never associated it with drink until now
Crush never looked up
"What you gonna do about it ?"
"I don't know"

I walked to my desk
like a lost dog
before I got there
this still small voice from inside said
"Phone Alcoholics Anonymous"
I listened and took action

I went to a meeting near where I worked that lunch time
Listened to a chair about
How many people came to AA and had a problem with the God word
This I liked cos I had a real resent ment towards God
In fact there wasnt a God that I could see at that time
Perhaps one for some
But not one I could relate to atall
I looked around
people all disheveled
old men
odd looking women with too much make up
But what I heard was that many men and women
come to AA with a problem with God
and somehow we all seem to get passed this barrier
somehow... I got hope
I had heard a similarity
Thats all I did hear
Oh yeh I heard that when you get sober
Suddenly its like when your driving along
and your car if full up
and you break suddenly
EVERYTHING comes carreeering up behind
and gets you, well thats kinda what he said
perhaps he said everything comes at you
Cos thats more like my experience
Anyway it dont matter, he made me laugh
Again it dont seem that bad
The guy telling his story seems ok
Even if the rest are a bit kooky

At the end of the meeting
I had broght no money
I didnt know what the pot was
I just passed the thing on and said nothing
Somehow I just sat
Cos I had no idea what to do next
No-one came up and spoke to me
I just sat at the back and waited til
most of them had gone
A few men at the front were putting some books away
I went and asked them what happens now ?
One of them asked me if I had a where to find ?
Whats that ?
Here you go, are you new ?
Yeh, well no, I came in 15 years ago to
a few meetings, heard the word God
and you can NEVER drink again
and I didnt come back
What do I do now ?
Ok he said,
"Do you think you can get to bed tonight without a drink?"
I dunno, I havent thought
"Ok go to another meeting later and go and ask some women to
give you there phone numbers, i'll give you mine but you
really need to speak to women, its better"
"It just is, less complicated"

So I went back to work
Went to another meeting at 6
Cant remember anything about it
Someone said try another one the next night
at the same church I had been to at lunch
I couldnt believe it
All right near work
I went outside for a cigarette
A young bloke curled up on the bench
outside the meeting
I seen him in the meeting
I offered him a cigarette
Arrogance and a sense of identification
and the same time drew me to him

We talked and then he said would I like a coffee
For some reason I said yes
Everyone I had spoken to seemed gentle
Talked Low

This guy and I talked for about 4 hours
he basically got me to talk
He made me laugh
he talked about his drinking
I listened
he talked about his thinking
I listened and nodded
he talked about a programe
it sounded like a foreign language
he talked about how things would change
it sounded unbelievable
he talked about how he knows he cant drink safely
and things happen when he did, so he doesnt now
I listened,
he talked about how beaten he was when he came in
I was just beaten, and had had enough
he empathised with my shame
and said its an illness
I looked at him in disbelief
Ah he said you didnt know this ?
he empathised with my feeling misunderstood
he said most people come in feeling isolated
he said many people duvet dive
That I could really identify with
he made me laugh at myself, as we laughed at ourselves
he also said that the women in AA would shoot
him for having coffee with a green newcomer like me
so he would have to be on his best behaviour
And he was, he set me an example
Both those guys did a fine job on me

I went home with a light skip happening
and went to bed that night without having had a drink
For one whole 24hours
A miracle

On that day, 3 people told me the truth
no-one had ever asked me stuff like this before
no-one had ever said they didnt like me when I drank before
My ? friends, were disappearing one by one
this ? person was one person who
had ? encouraged me
? listened to me
? understood me
and now I could feel them slipping away
rejection was right there
another one who seemed to understand
would eventually desert me....
people always let me down in the end
even my drinking buddies had warned
me not to drink Stella

No-one before had sat me down and talked
about how I felt inside and that Guy
got me to talk back in the way that I did that day
So we think cheerfulness and laughter make for usefulness P132

Ok if your still with me by the end of this post
Today I collected a 4 year chip
If your not, oh well never mind
it will do my ego good
not to have any comments!!

The meeting was like a party,
hooters and everything when the chips get given
Amazing, it got louder the newer the anniversaries
For the 24hour chip, the whole room was nearly dancing
Lazy Daisy cafe, your Meeting Rocked tonight!!

I am very grateful
Its been fairly ordinary day
and its been ok
Coping with the ordinary
Is something I need lots of practice on
I get antz in my pantz
And want to run off and do something
less boring instead

I phoned a guy who shares today, he is 7
I went and sat with someone 19 years sober
And went through how I dig deep with inventory
Showing her (19years)
I have to really let go
How Can I help her ? me 4 years
And how I pray
How I really ask for help
No fear, No limits

God said
Its my will not yours,
you know better than God Johno ?

She asked you to show her how you do inventory
NOT take her through the programme Johno

Ok, so I did

I've no idea what will come of it
Its none of my business
Am very grateful to have been given these tools
That work for me, releive me of misery
Isolation, confusion, fear and loneliness
That give me a sense of purpose, clarity, intuition
willingness to keep on
and if someone gets even just 5 minutes of relief
of that noise and confusion
by me passing something on
then i have to...
everyday, every minute, every hour, every second
its what was passed on to me
its what works for me
Give it away to keep it

Who Am I to say I have nothing to offer
Gods in charge
Today I am responsible
How the hell did that happen then!!

Thank you AA
Gateway to a 4th dimension, I could only have dreamed
Am lovin it

Sunday, August 19, 2007

We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. p83

August 19th 2003
Got out of bed, well past the snooze
Threw on clothes
splash wash
didnt clean my teeth
cursed self for not being more organised
no breakfast
clothes all over the place
deodorant over deodorant over deodorant

cursed the bus for being late
cursed the tube for taking so long
cursed self for being late again
shuffled papers for most of the day
did some work within the 8 hours
sent most of the day thinking about
the evening when I would get off with my crush
go back to one of us places and make passionate love
or something like that... this was to be my time
no more waiting, no more excuses, this time
I wasnt gonna get drunk
just drink a few halves

Left work, our dept went out
with new recruits and manager
free champagne
free shots
free bar
out went the idea of halves
very soon, was drunk
out of control
off with some bloke in the toilet
I wouldnt have looked at sober
gueyser well known for not being choosy
crush wouldnt know huh... still in with a chance

We moved onto the Indian Restaurant
more free drinks, well oiled
sat opposite my boss
making lude remarks with the new recruits
I then needed the toilet
An staggered downstairs
crashing against the walls
and stood in there wondering...
wondering what the 'uck had happened
why had I got like this
how could I change it all back again?

yeh I can remember all this
out of control
knowing its all happening
and not being able to do a damn thing about it
Got to the table, i wanted to go home
and couldnt, couldnt miss out on
what is it i thought i would miss out on?
still dunno, that inability to leave first
Boss said he'd never seen my eyes glaze over before
No-one had ever said they'd seen my eyes glaze over before
As I gulped Indian lager and picked at food
knowing I had had enough
but not knowing how to end the evening, with dignity
dignity had gone out of the window
whatever happened next out of my control
it was very clear to me already

Finally crush got up to leave
yeh my excuse to go too
Staggered to the bus... still daylight
small talk
I was thinking
why dont you come back to mine
why dont you invite me to yours
willing it to happen

Crush got off the bus
I stayed on... in full resentment
how could it not have happened
perfect opportunity
why do people play games with me
poor me, blah blah

Started sending sms to crush
get off your train !
why are you ignoring my messages !
you know you want to !
you think am rubbish dont you !
I dont blame you for ignoring me!
get the picture...

Then I freaked when crush rang me
"Stop being paranoid"
"I'm not having a conversation with you while
am on the train"
"Why arent you at home ?"
My response "Cos I dont want to be yet
and whats it got to do with you anyway!"

By this time, I had missed my stop
was in completely the wrong part of London
Didnt know wher I was...
Cold, drunk and miserable, and alone
Badly needing the toilet AGAIN
Story of my life, whers the bathroom

Got off bus
Took another back to somewhere
joining my route home
Well dark, well late, well ashamed
Well...lost it, incontinence set in

Got home, freaked out and afraid
ashamed and bewildered
A Cockroach greeted me

Threw clothes on the floor
and flaked out in bed
Wondering what the hell was gonna happen tomorrow
How was I gonna face all these people
I worked with everyday, ever again

My attempt at controlling my drinking
Had really failed and it scared me
How out of control I had actually got
I really didnt like it
I was afraid of what was happening
And had no idea what was gonna happen next
Outer control

This is not the way I has planned for my life
to be at aged 36, no way!!
And I couldnt seem to do a damn thing to change it
What a 'uck up
suicidal thoughts were creeping in
I didnt like the way it was all panning out

If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking, you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic. p44

I didnt know it at the time
I was suffering from the disease of alcoholism
My life was unmanageable
I was without hope
I tried to control my drinking
seriously tried to control it
and it scared my how I couldnt
and that i could be consciously out of control


The only person I compare myself with now
Is the person I was upto and including
19th August 2003

To compare with anyone else is dishonest
and not a fair comparison
We are all came up different paths
We come at it all from an entirely different angle
One common problem
Alcohol ISM

AA is big enough and strong enough for all of us
No one's path to messy
in my experience

Music Kept me alive
Songs spoke to me
Kept me hanging in there
Even though I didnt know anyone who hurt like I did
Even though No-one seems to pain like I did
I found comfort in music
I trusted that they spoke the truth
I hung on, for what I had no idea, I just hung on

When your sure you've had enough of this life
Hang on
Dont let yourself Go
Cos everybody cries
Everybody Hurts
Some time

So hold on, Hold on, Hold on, Hold on, Hold on

If this is where your at, or not far away from

Dont quit before the miracle

Make that call, say life is shit
go to a meeting, ask for help
No need to do this on your own anymore
help is right here, right now

R.E.M. - Everybody Hurts


When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on
Don't let yourself go, 'cause everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes

Sometimes everything is wrong. Now it's time to sing along
When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go, (hold on)
When you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on

'Cause everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts. Don't throw your hand. Oh, no. Don't throw your hand
If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone

If you're on your own in this life, the days and nights are long,
When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on

Well, everybody hurts sometimes,
Everybody cries. And everybody hurts sometimes
And everybody hurts sometimes. So, hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
Everybody hurts. You are not alone

Saturday, August 18, 2007

Prayer for E-J

My neice got admitted to hospital last night

God please take care of her
give the surgeons what they need
give her what she needs
please take care of her
and her mum and dad

Went to open day
too short staffed to do any tests today
am glad really
Too much NEW all in a short space of time
God knows more than I what I can handle
At any give time

So I have a place conditional,
on the test I take on the 30th!!
Today I asked more questions
All seems do able
New and needing much willingness
But do able
Student Support services are my next port of call
they are a power greater than myself
I dont need to do this on my own
I have an idea where my study skills weakness's lie
They dont have to hold me back

Went home, completely zapped...
Being out of comfort zone is exhausting
Even with God

Slept til 7, thought it was the next morning
went back to sleep for a snooze
woke up and it was dark ?
the realised it was still Saturday

Well up now
EJ had her appendix out
Enjoying being pampered
fed and watered
she's lovin the attention!!
Hopefully going home tomorrow

Me I gonna dust off my guitar
and do somepracticing

Went to bookshop today
Charity shops are great
Ya never know what they gonna have next
Like pass it on
We have one here thats just books and CD's
Its started opening Sundays aswell
I suggested they got some sofa's and served coffee...

Thats enough today

Thanks All for encouragement this week

Cinch by the Inch
Keep it Simple
God doesnt give us more than we can handle
Its true

Friday, August 17, 2007

Grief - Loss - of mum/of wallet - same process

could be, could be not
today I am very tired
today I couldnt manage to get up
today I went to work knackered
today I did my best at half speed
today I went to bank
today I said I lost my wallet
today I sorted my card
today am ready for bed before i got out of bed
today am quiet
today I called some newcomers
today I copied my application
today I am just keeping on
today I have taken inventory
today I have prayed
today am going to my home group
today am going to the meeting after the meeting
today am very grateful for it going SLOWLY
today am grateful for it going my way
today I am emotionally drained
today my inventory showed my
hurt pride - I showed my imperfectness
my carelessness - intolerence towards self
my self will - i didnt manage to be perfect
my fear - for the test tomorrow

My gratitude is that I can see all that
My gratitide is that I can pray for it all to go
My gratitude is for acceptance
my gratitude is that I will turn up tomorrow
My gratitude is for I will just do my best
My gratitude is that I will be taken care of

Today am not afraid
of how I feel
or how I am
i am alright
I havent hurt anyone
I just letting me be

I love all this

its not going my way, and its all going ok

last night I was doing service, phone office
tonght, i lostmy wallet, it vanished
fore the firsst time in my life...
lost or stolen ? I have no idea
these firsts, they crop up
at the oddest of times
see I will now be more compassionate
when someone else tells me they have lost
their wallet and are not sure how it happened
NO longer will i silently judgementally TUT
Ego puncture, and growth at the same time

spent TIME cancelling cards
going out to buy replacement travel cards
all needed doing WITHOUT DELAY so i did
First things first
I didnt get into analysis paralysis, its true
And Acceptance is the answer to all my problems...

some calls came in
when was my application not going to get done ?....
then I couldnt find my exam certificates
...have YOU tried looking for all your
...exam certificates for the first time in decades??
I have decided to hand that one over
I will look again over the weekend
and agree a date to forward copies to them by

Both calls helped reminded me, amongst other things
one with my NO CARDS NO CASH dilemma
yes Johno, you can walk in a bank and get money
over the counter still... it is possible
I had forgotton... internet banking
and hole in the wall has become the norm...
GET OUT of that comfort zone... tomorrow I speak to a cashier!
the other my sponsee... which always helps me

If you are that the lucky winner
of a travel wallet
on the x bus heading to x tonight
the credit and debit cards cancelled
there is no cash in it
the alcoholics anonymous card with helpline number
use it or pass it on
the stamps well make use
the 6 suggestions on the AA card, try them
and if you fancy coming to my home group...
...the address is on the front of the suggestion card
my work pass and photo card yes I did nearly have my eyes shut
just for today it and try it

Benn to work
Application done
personal Statement written
referees 1 down 1 to go
and am going to bed nearly the same time as I would
any other night...
An I have been down the Gym
and I have eaten
application written
dealt with a lost wallet
and I have accepted taken action
and moved on
and I havent had any thoughts about a drink
S'funny I noticed I dont mention it much lately
a flippin miracle
and I even blogged!

Grateful for Acceptance
Grateful to know what to do today
Grateful to not buy into drama
grateful to be taking it seems right action
grateful for those extra seconds in AA minutes
Gratful of how much I can do nowadays
Grateful to find & be reminded theres more I can do
Grateful for other AA's who've been there
...and are willing to share their experience
Grateful for the newcomer, always grateful for the newcomer

Grateful that God never! gives me more than I can handle

Thursday, August 16, 2007

I Heard from Blue


she is doing ok
well infact
doing lots of service
sad to not be blogging
they blocked it off at work!!
will be back soon

Step 10's a gateway to awareness, honesty and freedom to choose, when you know the truth...Misery becomes Optional

Step10's have helped me find out who I am
what I like

what I am afraid of
what defects hold me back
what defects affect my personal relations
what defects affect my self esteem
what deffects affect my self confidenmce
what defects make me needy
what defects are a lie
what defects affect my relationships
what defects affect my friendships
what defects affect my ambitions
what defects affect my financial security
what defects affect my opening my mouth
what defcets affect my blogging
what defects affect my going to bed
what defects affect my eating
what defects affect my work attitude
where I am being selfish
where I am being self seeking
this is just a short list

When I know whats driving me
away from peace, happy joyeous and free
towards... misery...into the ground
back to my duvet, needy, victim
When I know, am AWARE, see the TRUTH
I have a CHOICE

I move towards that which I think about
whether its good for me or bad

So I either move towards God
And loving actions towards self and others
or I sit with my defects
and let them drive me into that miserable bog!

No ways dude, I exerted myself pretty hard to get
to this point
huge faith
huge willingness
and huge amounts of NOT LISTENING TO MY HEAD
all stuff I could do

PRAYER, asking God for help
has removed defects, and done for me
what I could never! do for myself

Never! underestimate the Power of God
I have no idea of the Power God has
The Impossible has become possible
In my experience
its true

I cant, HE can, Let him

This is by no means an intro into Step 10
or just a few bits that spring to mind
of how Step10 stands as a VITAL part
of how I am today
and how I maintain what I have
I am not going for a sainthood
but I am a damn sight nearer than
I ever could have imagined!!
an I like it

The Truth will Set You Free
Action is the Magic word

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Cinch by the Inch

yestrday I had so many AA hours and extra seconds
Today I forgot I was doing Phone service tonight
so I "lost" and evening (self pity didnt last)
See i dont listen to this stuff nowadays
I knew it would all be ok
It judt wouldnt happen the way I thought
Thats all

I havent lost anything
I spoke with 3 other AA's within 2 hours
all embarking on a course
all getting out of their comfort zones
all "encouraging" each other
nothing but mutual admiration for
what we are trying to acheive
and amazement that it actually is possible

We had a quiet time
So I started a draft of my application
less to do tomorrow evening

Today I made some calls to two people
I would like to ask as referees
One said yes
the other I will speak with tomorrow

See life ie TODAY goes on
I do not project
I keep my head in the here and now
cos thats where my body is
All of me must be as One
Not disconnected
some in the past some in the present and some in next month
All here in the present NOW
There is no fear in the present
when I am doing the right things
If I have been coasting, or winging it
the present becomes a backpeddle
or a slippery slope
neither of which I like
So I just dont do it
I have learnt what I dont like
and what I do (on some things)
by trying and being aware

Yeh if I get on this course
Life will change
Not all of it
Sone weekly commitments
some monthly commitments
but you know it will be ok
my primary purpose will not be affected
no ONE meeting keeps me sober
I can change home group
I can change my telephone service
Change is ok
My primary purpose is not affected
I still get up and aim to be of maximum helpfulness
in all areas of my life
the day to day situations may just change a little
and change is good
things do need refreshing after a while
comfortable is not always good for growth
I have still alot more growing to do
and I welcome it
See none of this is a problem
It is all an adventure

Nothing needs to change
until I get the YES yor on the course
and even then I can change my mind

Do tomorrow tomorrow

I HATE writing personal statements
is just another way of saying
I an AFRAID of what they will think of me
cos I have nothing to offer... Untrue
I HATE tests
is just another way of saying
I am afraid of failure... self will run riot
I dont know what the test is
and I am assuming (i know better than god)
that i will not be able to do it... untrue
the truth is I have no idea whats gonna happen

I havent said I HATE for ages
its funny its come up
had to Step 10 it
I wondered why "I HATE" came out of my mouth
Its just cos am out of my comfort zone
SELF WILLED control freak out of control
letting go Letting God
Putting in the action, letting go of the outcome

AFRAID of failure and hurt PRIDE
and i automatically
revert in someway back
into that needy victim
child like
that needs some one to say
dont worry it will be ok ...
See Step 10's show me loads

I was once a needy victim
Now I am a strong woman with direction and purpose
gentle and open
Miracles happen in AA
and continue to happen
I love it
I love God

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Madness dispersing - remedy Action and more Action

Next, we decided that hereafter in this drama of life, God was going to be our Director.P62 When we sincerely took such a position, all sorts of remarkable things followed.P63

last night I prayed for the words
to write in my personal statement
for the application I am about to complete

What happened was
I wrote the most honest, positive statement
about myself
Honest, sincere, humourous even, with integrity
I cannot believe its about me
except today I know its about me
This is how I actually am
I am not trying to bullshit my way in
I have certain skills
and I have still alot to learn
Amongst many other stuff
AA has taught me to be true to myself
If I lie on an application form
the Fear it will bring up in trying to
live up to that lie

I give all of me
I am enough

I am fully armed about the facts of my condition TODAY
I know my strengths and wekanesses TODAY

I am no longer the person who would have applied for the same course 20 years ago
I do have a lot to offer
and do have alot to learn
My motives are good
Self discipline
and self confidence
I have all these
Now where all that come from ?

"As the result of these steps"
and CONTINUING to IMPROVE and try to be of SERVICE
Continuing to try and bring my will in line with Gods
Keeping on Keeping on

I sent an email to the course leader today
infact 7.20am this morning !?
yeh I get up well befor that
and had time to check over what I wrote last night
and then send it
... this is not the Johno, I was 6 months ago...
its quite unerving sometimes when I notice
the astounding difference... its true

He replied fast not long after 9am
thanked me for my "helpful" email !?
and said I sounded like just the kind of person
they are looking for on the course
and suggested I send the application in
he said I would need to take
A skills and comprehension test
which he will give me no advance guidance on
as its important to them not too
Hmmm "Self will didnt" like that...
faith dude, have faith...

See i told the truth
I didnt write to impress
I just said how it was

I am going on Saturday to an open day and sit the test/s
I have until Saturday to complete the application
Today this does not seem a tall order

The personal statement I "hate writing" is written
I just copy out the email I sent today
It needs no amending
it attracted the course leader its enough
All that is in it is true
am happy with it

Personal statement out the way
Now I hate tests !?
I have to choose a referee

Easy does it but do it
Cinch by the inch
Little by little
Just do the next right thing
Put in the action and let go of the outcome

We paddle, God steers

If I get on this it will be a miracle

I am reining in ALL thoughts about the future
The future being the first week of the course
How it will change my day to day stuff
Until I get the acceptance letter
ALL predictions "Self Will"
are pointless and divert me from whats in front of me
I dont know what I dont know
Stay in the present moment AT ALL TIMES

None the what if's going on...
None of the head committee debating...
I may not pass the tests
I may pass the tests
I may get on the course
I may not
I may have to change certain activities
I may not
Its really not happening

At this moment in time
I have made a DECISION and TURNED this over
I have to honour the DECISION I have made
To follow this through, do all the RIGHT ACTIONS
until "they" tell me NO or YES !!

All Fear has been removed
Faith is here

Faith without works is dead
Faith with works is very much alive

No restin on laurels for this dude!
S'funny Saturday isnt that far away
But in AA time its ages
AA sober minutes seem to have extra seconds
AA sober days are fuller
Gods time not mine

Now I can see it
I wannit, I really wannit

God I love ya x

Monday, August 13, 2007

Children - this was sent to me by my Dad

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.

The first thing he said was "DON'T!

"Don't what"? Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

"Forbidden fruit?...We have forbidden fruit?, Hey Eve...we have forbidden fruit! "

"No Way"!

"Yes way"!

"Do NOT eat the fruit"!......said God.


"Because I am your Father and I said so"! God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit"? God asked.

"Uh huh", Adam replied.

"Then why did you"? said the Father.

"I don't know", said Eve.

"She started it"! Adam said.

"Did not"!

"Did too"!


Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.

Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.


If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?


1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said..

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.


Be nice to your kids...They will choose your nursing home one day.



(I dont know how I ever get anything done)
(I dont know what I did before email and blog)

I am going slightly mad, just part of the process

which always happens
when am wrestling with change
and letting go absolutely
freefalling abit
and taking action at the same time

change for the better
moving onto the next level
any change
action positive

Good news is I took action
Made some phone calls
followed up on a course I want to do
I now know
I know which course I am going for
Cos called 'em up and they said they were full
my heart sank
Now I know which path to take
the one I am most disapointed to not to get on

Good news, spent the rest of lunch on Google
made a few more calls
have found other places its on
and there are places still open for this year
So am gonna do applications and see what happens

Now i really wannit

I hate writing a personal statement

No duvet diving allowed

Come on you know you want to

I've no idea why this song came in my head today
but it perfectly describes whats going on
in my head at the moment

theres another mashup going on
and am happy with it :D
its organised chaos
But as am slightly barking at the mo
it doesnt suprise me, hope it brings a smile to you too
No Need to worry

my defects are just having a party
I keep sending God in, he sorts em when they
get abit too lively and loutish

Bobby Picket and the Cryptkickers

catch yas later

Sunday, August 12, 2007

Fear must not be a problem

To listen to Fear
To act in Fear
is not in line with Gods Will
Or Spiritual principles

Why ?

Fear of what people think of me
Fear of failure
Fear of Success
Fear of being good enough
Fear of not being good enough
Fear of being good enough
Fear of dying
Fear of being alive
Fear of acheiving
Fear of underacheiving
Fear of trying
Fear of not trying

These Fears are the termites that ceaselessly devour the foundations of whatever sort of life we try to build P49 12 steps and 12 traditions

Nothing changes if nothing changes
I have come to a point where
I HAVE to change the things I can
I have no reason not to

Resist and it will persist
20 years I have resisted this
20 years I have wanted and not done it
20 years I have wondered and not done it
I have tried other degrees, other jobs
and still this "one" comes back to bite me on the ass
and "it" says, "what about me? why do you keep avoiding me?"
"How much longer are you gonna resist ?"
"To the bitter end ?" "Or end in bitterness ?"

No regrets, no I couldnt have done it before
Whats my excuse now ?

Fear, pride and now with sloth creeping in
will eventually lead to a pack of resentments
and a very low self esteem, and regret...

Time to take action
Hounds of Love are Calling me
Its coming at me through the trees
and I dont know whats Good for me
(this is now a lie, regarding this, I do know now whats good for me)

3 women, encouraging in their own style
3 who are either in it ddone it or ddoing it...
and still my head goes...
nope and up come the same old roadblocks
and a few new ones

Church tonight, lesson for me is
Addiction, can be about old thoughts, old behaviour
Also even though life is working out ok
and all fitting together fine
someimes it needs dismanteling, mixing up abit
some cchange of whats working is also ok, good for the soul
trysting that even if It mixes up and changes
I will be looked after, aslong as keep on doing the right
things and my motives are good
Your job now is to be at the place where you may be of maximum helpfulness to others, so never hesitate to go anywhere if you can be helpful. You should not hesitate to visit the most sordid spot on earth on such an errand. Keep on the firing line of life with these motives and God will keep you unharmed. P102
I have to give all of me over to the Care of my HP
especially my thinking
especially my old thinking
especially my old motives
especially my driving defects
let in love and service
Trust and keep trusting
Nothing and everything

I have prayed and prayed to be show Gods will for me
We stood at the turning point. we asked His protection and care with complete abandon. Here are the steps we took, P59
never have I got as far as applications

I dont know what Gods will is for me
Which way do I go next ?
I have two roads which feel like they right
two roads neither of which seem perfect
both of which I want
Time to stop talking and thinking
fill in applications for both directions which feel like they are the right way
and see what happens
Let go and let God

you know what you want
now shut up and Just'uckindoit

Johno you stopped being a victim
20th August 2003
now your just being a drama queen

'uckinell, wheres my duvet

Pelicans and so much more in St James Park Central London

I love this Park
I love the pelicans
I love the birds
I love the squirrels
I love the swans
I love the trees
I love all the shades of greens
I love the water
I love all the different plants
I love the bands on the bandstand
I love the quiet
I love the fountain
I love the blue sky
I love the earth
I love the ducks
I love the geese
I love the sounds
I love that I can get an icecream
I love that the tea is good
I love that I can get "real" poured milk
I love that I can see The Mall
I love that I can see Buckingham Palace
I love that I can see Golden Gates
I love that I can see The London Eye
I love thhat I can see Horse Guards Parade
I love that i can see Admiralty Arch
Mostly I love the peace that comes all over me
as soon as i walk into it
Like i've walked into another dimension

I love St James Park
Its my spiritual home
Its where my heart is happy
my body can be still
and my mind slows, quietens and listens

God and Mother Natures gift to us

Saturday, August 11, 2007

Windmills of your Mind

Heres a song that
First reached in there and grabbed me
at a VERY early age
Sadly I cant find the original YET
ok since posting this this morning
Having never seen a Harry Potter movie
I am feeling a bit freaked out LOL
You'lll tell me its the top ten next!!!

Or you Might prefer listen with abit of Pierce

Felt different
Thought different
music, words
somehow connected me with the singer
it was someone
like they spoke to me
this is how it was
I knew no different
had no other
identified with no-one

Very young, under 10
this was a song I connected with
I dont know why now
I cant remember
Its not a very uplifting song
but then I was
confused, isolated and lonely then
thats how it was
well thats all i know

Makes the hairs stand on the back of my neck
Never underestimate the Power of Music

Thankfully am not in the bog of despair nowadays
I still listen fondly to this though
It kept me on the path at times
To "Noel Harrison" the One who wrote the lyrics
I thank you

God...HP... Harry Potter

Ford is calling in the Big Guns

It seemed very surreal
randomly deciding to get on the Northrn Line
at Clapham Common the otherday
and sitting smack opposite this...

Flippin eck, Michaelangelo

Right I'm off to the park
catch some rays

Night people... are we a myth ?

Being a night person is a choice, however at somepoint it stops being a ? choice for some people (in my opinion) it can become a habit, compulsive behaviour.

We naturally revolve around the sun, when the sun is up, we are awake when its dark, we sleep, like most animals, fishes and birds, and plants. Some of us at some point change this, by social activity, chemicals, stimulants, tv and or other forms of behavior. We are forcing our body to change with these things, because they are giving us a ? lift, we ? enjoy them, our mind adjusts itself to ftr in with it... almost justifying it because we feel good. Hence the sleep seems a waste of time, as its not as ? pleasurable and self satisfying as the activity occuring ? before we shut our eyes. So Sleep becomes the last thing we want to we put it off longer and longer.

The body still requiring sleep, sleep is a time where the mid and body processes the daily happenings, eating, interaction, healing, it all happens when we are asleep, our bodies still need all this to happen no matter what time we have gone to bed, so it adjusts and lays in longer. The mind then knows its got lots of ? good activity to look forward to in the late evening again, so we then sleep in, knowing than as "darkness falls" the good stuff is gonna happen again.... we become addicted to nightime stimulating activity... all bullshit.

Pleasure, sprritual high can occur without having to stay up late, my own experience shows if I go to bed earlier, turn the tv off, dont listen to late music, and or eat late ON A REGULAR BASIS and actually WANT to stop the late night activity... I will, its keeping on and keeping it up that takes WORK.

I can pass for being a day person if I want to be, set the alarm, have some PURPOSE for getting up, ie getting myself ready for the world around me... and go to bed at a reasonable hour becasue I WANT to and NEED to.

Change if I want, dont change if I dont want. Its my choice at the end of the day, its not easy to "change the habits of a lifetime" and I have to work at NOT slipping back into night activities which "i think are good for me" the TRUTH is, they are actually not really fitting in with the way of life I choose today, or helping my physical and mental fitness.

Blogging and Facebook are yet another escapism that I currently SLIP into to try and avoid being GROWN UP and just going to bed with a cuppa cocoa and a Good book!! I love the Book and Cocoa when am doing it, its actually getting into bed I have to work HARD at...

Take your body and your mind will follow...
(it may fight and kick and scream everytime, but it WILL follow)

Well thats my take on it anyway

Love and Service in all my affairs (parent/s)

Practice Love and Service, let God and Love drive you

I am sure that you dont need me to say any of this
you didnt ask my advice on how to deal with your parents
its your journey, non of my business etc etc...
but saying it has helpd to remind me
how I need to approach my parent... everytime,
cos when he's gone, thats it, NO MORE opportunities

I can only hope you see the motive behind this
and the spirit that its intended

Love your parents for who they are
love their vulnerability
love their little niggly imperfect ways and
love the way they flit from the strong parent
to the needing 5 year old
when out of their comfirt zones.
Love them, Go with Love, practice LOVE,
let Love do the work, no matter how they behave

Be yourself, you do have lots of Love to give

Enjoy the God given gift that is TIME
with NON abusive parents
enjoy the gift that they are while they are
see the beauty that is family and parents

Notice everything they do,
see how beautiful it really is
the way they act and interact

Nothing is permanent, infinite, forever
and none of us really know
its about having as few regrets as possible
and as many memories as possible

Whatever... I find practicing Love and Service
as the primary motivators enable a much more enjoyable time

Love and Service rule ok!!

Have a really fun time, enjoy, not endure...

Thursday, August 09, 2007


I am very tired
going down the gym
and then bed
nearly the weekend

I am coming to a decision regarding my career
(with the help of tradition 6)
(Do I want to right or do I want to be happy?)
(also whats driving me ? money and prestige or a happy heart)
(also do I want to do this next year ? no)
(also building faith in a move, geographically, change in income
change in everything... am building faith)

Office move will remove the free Gym and lunchtime yoga
(to continue will see how commited I really am)

I have taken action regarding my inheritance
(the worlds legal system is not a good place to sit
especially when dealing with an estate split between
two countries)

Sponsee situation has leveled
Home groups are flourishing

I am just tired

Nearly Friday

Heres one I heard down the gym
I have to honour Ben E King
Check out Bono and Bruce's version

God I know you will
am a bit scared
I have faith
prepare me and do with me what you will
I can feel theres more to come
Your giving me tasters
I am getting ready... for anylengths
I know its gonna be ok
am abit scared about the journey
will do it anyway
God you have NEVER given me more than I can handle

Prison Service

Note to God
Dear God I love ya, Am grateful for
being sober and useful
carrying the message of recovery in a prison this evening
One common problem
One VERY REAL solution
One alky helping another
by telling the truth
The language of the heart
I nearly 4 years in AA, I rarely hear many men
share in their stories they have been sexually abused
Tonight 4 out of 8 men shared back that they had been sexually abused
(1 of them I am told had hardly said anything until tonight
about what his experience is)
2 spoke very little
2 shared general stuff
For me it is part of my experience
so I just said that I was
just as I said again it dont make me an alky
I know how alone and isolating it was
and how much of a relief it was to hear
other people who had been where I had been
and who were NO LONGER VICTIMS of it

Thank you God, you amaze me more and more each day
The TRUTH will and does set me and others free

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Just for Today... I will be Johno an 'awl fecker

AN EXTENDED version of a COMMENT I made
An Irish Friend
following her question on my post yesterday

Would I be offended if you called me an 'awl fecker?
I dunno now do I ?
now you have warned me you might
I am prepared and I will laugh now if you do
Cos you have told me it would be a term of endearment

So I dont know if I would have been offended before
Is the truth

i've never been called it before
I'll just add it to the VERY long list
"pet/nicknames" names I bin called in the last 40 years
by people that kinda like me

Its a long time ago that I was at school
being hunted down and constantly being verbally attacked
and bullied by "the other kids" not good for self esteem
Even now when I think of them names
they still cause my heart to sadden.

Nowadays, I seem to be surrounded by people
who want the best for me & have no reason to "attack" me
with name calling, or derogatory stuff,
so name really is ok really to try out, try it

these days, most people that call me
by anything other than my own,
which is practically every one I know
even manage to slip in swearing and allsorts
and it just goes over my head... I dunno why we do it,
(i do it to dude!!)
Well I think I know why I do it..

Catch me when am rsentful
and even hearing my own name mentioned will cause me to tut
not cos I dont like my name
just that my "self obsession" has been interupted
and am not impressed LOL

Dont know if that answered your question?

Oh theres more...

Any new name that I get called
takes a while to become accepted by my brain
as it has to have time for me to "shrug" off
ANY preconceived ideas & predjudices
I usually have about it
Like, immediately I think
"am I being called that because I am that ?"
I will ALWAYS initially see the name that
I am being called it as a negative (the first thought)

Nowadays I then HAVE to trust that the person saying it
is NOT taking the P*%s out of me or being patronising
well they maybe abit, but not in the nasty way kids did
people nowadays are just being friendly
a little more intimate than when I first knew them
and SOMETIMES it NOT about me atall
they say it to everyone NOT JUST ME (the great me)

OR is it cos they are feeling insecure in themselves
and that choose a "pet" name to slip in, as it ?
looks like they are then being intimate (friendly) with me
because thats what they are wanting to do
kind of testing our boundaries
ie no longer wanting to be just people that interact
wanting ? it to become a little ? more
take it to another level like
Nothing sinister or weird tho
just seems to happen like that
when people get to KNOW ME
they seem to stop calling me by my name
and choose their own. Its ok I suppose.
(this is what I seem to do with people
as they turn into friends too)
I am aware that I dont SAY many peoples
names or nicknames except
in the written word
It is someting I fall short with
As I know how my heart jumps (not in a needing way)
its like it just pays attention again cos
its me thats being addressed
(me only me)... sounds like a song there (you only you)

some people just have a knack of dropping my real name
in a conversation or a dialogue and it brings it to life
i am still how to do that
if i feel more connected to the other person
then it must also work for some people
the other way around for them too

Its something about learning intimacy with friends
learning how to be a friend, whether in person
blog, phone, across miles or whatever
not being patronising, deepening a friendship takes work
knowing when to push forward and grow it
knowing when to leave it as it is
its a tuffy
worth a try though

Willingness to call and be called pet names
in a loving way, not patronising
thats what I meant, not in a patronising way.
It kind of shows when people are being patronising
(see how my words changed?)
it changed from frineds back to people (less intimate)
patronising isnt friendly

Getting over the cringe factor of some of them names
can take a while as some names hold major predjudices of old

Like accepting that when she calls me "babe"
its cos thats, just what she calls everyone she likes
and feels comfortable with,
and I have to accept,
I am part of that everyone she feels comfortable with
I often cringe when she calls it me
which is most mornings
(what a way to start my working day)
but its getting easier.

"Babe" to me conjours up
stick like bimbo with no brain, and
paints her nails and
wears very little, and
or Pig in the City.
NEITHER are HER idea of "Babe"
of the two, I prefer the second one, its more me !!
What she is just doing is exchanging the word
"babe" for "friend" so if I dont accept the word babe,
I am not accepting the word friend...
well thats how I see it anyway, and it is how it is

Can you call me anything ?
well yeh I cant stop you
if something goes completely against everything I am,
then will I ask to not be called it and say why,
as it upsets me.
Thats it really..

Question answered ?

you 'awl fecker, you old 'ucker...
I prefer 'awl fecker, it sounds friendlier...

Irish Friend, are, you STILL under that bleedin' parapet,
get your ass out ere and blog something!!

OMG theres more
I dont agree entirely with the
overseas language barrier thing
I just see its a matter of whose saying it
and who its being said to
the motive behind it
and receivers "Fitness" to receive

I find
Email, text, blog can be very emotionless
And as with speaking in tongues
anything can seem offensive
if we're right in a oversensitive moment
like most of us can be
not all of us have the tools
or the selotape to stick over our mouths
or the Courage to say, please dont say that
BEFORE it gets to unbearable screaming pitch

I like the :)'s rather than a name
or I pick dude, which is ? relatively middle of the road
I am aware some people would get the hump
if I threw in a dude, but thats just me
dont sit with a resentment its pride in action
Dude is my most natural term of endearment
and in person as well "Dude" and "Lovely"
this is to male and female
I love it when someone calls me "lovely"
an i dont say it loud and embarrasingly
just friendly loving is enough

well thats all "lovely" :)
thanks for inspiring todays post
I seem to have a backlog of posts
waiting to happen !!

I'm off to bed