Thursday, August 30, 2007

Exam done - now let go (Of this area of my life)

My boss insisted I left really early today
to get there without stress
I said I was more concerned about getting there
that the exam itself
I thanked her for her support
and she said I support her loads
She text me good luck too!!

Its funny again the way my family dont remember
or perhaps I should say
my Dad and brother
these things that to me are huge
they dont follow up
and yet, she has encouraged me all the way
(except for this initial disbelief... you're going to study what ? you?)
yeh me, get over it, she did very quickly

the more I read
Men are from Mars, Women are From Venus
My Dad, Brother, yours and my own actions suprise me less!!

Like with recovery
If I take it seriously, when people say I meant business
they took my recovery seriously too
If I look people in the eye and say
this is who I am, this is who I would like to be
and I am gonna give it my best shot
they seem to respond
Family just seem to grunt and turn the TV on
bless 'em, it takes them a little longer to process stuff :)

Anyway
Turned up plenty of time
and the fire alarm had gone off
and was still going off
so the building was evacuated...
Yeh a sense of humour God I love ya
I laughed!!

they gave me a piece of paper
said what room 1-17 to go to
so I went up too far and came down again
found the room it was locked and it was the
photocopier room... is it me ?

Found someone to ask
yeh its in here...
Got the paper
Sat down
Looked at it
and it was in Greek
well it may well have been...

Long sentences
on a subject I know nothing about
and I have to do these things
write some answers
and then AND THEN
write an essay
WHERES THE DOOR
i cant do this, SIGH

God sat next to me
he read the paper and appeared to frown
then looked me in the heart and said
Read the instructions and follow them
Its too hard
B.S. you havent done anything yet !
You swore
do it, it says attempt all of them, so attempt
it doesnt say perfect each answer
it says attempt each question
Ready ? stop crossing and uncrossing your legs
you can either sit here
sulking and building up regrets
or you can read that sheet and then write
STOP DITHERING YOU ONLY HAVE AN HOUR
Jump in NOW or walk away
SILENCE
Anylengths Johno... are you willing to do My will
Its My Will you attempt this
Am afraid of failing, and of what people will think of me
yet I feel it dont matter now, what people think
The People that matter dont mind and the people that mind, dont matter
Ok, shut up, times running out
Stop listening to your head and listen to me
I know you are afraid and your prides right up there
just do it anyway for Me
Its times like these, we need to look at the evidence
When everything hasnt gone you way
have you been ok ?
yeh, better things have come
thats right, so have faith
Rejection is ALSO My Protection
Either way you Win
Surrender to Win, I Love you you know
Now your getting sloppy
Ok I will

I did attempt each question
My best
If you had given it me yesterday
It would have been the same
If you gave it me again now
I would do the same again
I have no regrets
Heart full in the room
Head in and out of fear
Just make an honest attempt each one...
one at a time, the easiest one first

I left, in a daze, no suprise
My sick friend left a message
So straight away, my mind is off exam and on service

I did my Best
Now I must let go til next week.
Pass or not, the furniture has been rearranged
and this head will NEVER return to how it was 3 weeks ago
my Heart is now VERY happy
It has waited and waited for 20 years to experience TODAY
Its never experienced getting this far in the process
It never got as far as writing my name on the application form
It has never applied for the course it has always wanted
until TODAY
God waits and keeps calling, until we eventually listen
This path was dug aa long while ago
See I have no idea what the outcome will be
I just did what my Heart, and God wanted
Just to attempt it

By the time I got to the underground
Already
Pass, next step is student services for help
with writing and study skills.
Fail, next question to them
Why it was a fail?
and then
What steps they suggest I need to take stand me
in good stead for next years intake?

So its a WIN WIN situation

Thanks for the encouragment and wishes
And God thanks being right here
Going for a bath
then have my hot chocolate
in bed
Goodnight

Oh yeh and God
Thanks for keeping me sober today
I have had no thoughts or desire to drink today
I am a very grateful alcoholic

4 comments:

Determined1 said...

I admire your positivity and the fact that you gave it your BEST shot. You've inspired me. Stanford University motivational speech next contender. :-)

"Building up regrets" I never heard that before, like it.

Good to hear you saw it through! I had that feeling after my exam in July so know that sense of achievement and strenth.

Rhonda said...

I really like how you are able to weave awareness, strength and gratefullness into your writings...

I leave feeling a sense of peace.

Syd said...

I've had that panic at exams too. It was hard to shut out the panic and just do the exam. Glad that your HP was there to help guide you. Great stuff as you always write.

Christine said...

I finally fininshed college just before I turned 50. I remember well all that went on in my head hearing it in yours just now.

God loves you and see you for the beautiful child you are of His

What you write resonates so