Monday, August 20, 2007

20th August 2003 - what happened - 20th August 2007 Now

Woke up terrified
went back to sleep
woke up couldnt give a toss
would have to go to work
theyd all be talking about me
perhaps it werent that bad

Crawled out of bed
remarkably early... wide awake
stinking of cigarettes
last nights indian food
lager breath
put on same shoes I has peed in the night before
had a bath believe it or not
and went to work
arrived before most people
I felt like nothing
no fear, no shame, nothing
just walked in, ? numb
Armour well on
whatever was gonna happen
I was gonna take it

Crush was there already
"what kind of person do you think I am that
would ignore you like you described on your sms's?"
I dunno, said I
"I was in a train full of people, i didnt want
to take the calls"
Oh said I
"I dont like you when you drink Stella"
I went cold
"I dont like me when I drink" said I
I dont think I had ever said this before
I really had a low opinion of myself
but I had never associated it with drink until now
Crush never looked up
"What you gonna do about it ?"
"I don't know"

I walked to my desk
like a lost dog
before I got there
this still small voice from inside said
"Phone Alcoholics Anonymous"
I listened and took action

I went to a meeting near where I worked that lunch time
Listened to a chair about
How many people came to AA and had a problem with the God word
This I liked cos I had a real resent ment towards God
In fact there wasnt a God that I could see at that time
Perhaps one for some
But not one I could relate to atall
I looked around
people all disheveled
old men
odd looking women with too much make up
But what I heard was that many men and women
come to AA with a problem with God
and somehow we all seem to get passed this barrier
somehow... I got hope
I had heard a similarity
Thats all I did hear
Oh yeh I heard that when you get sober
Suddenly its like when your driving along
and your car if full up
and you break suddenly
EVERYTHING comes carreeering up behind
and gets you, well thats kinda what he said
perhaps he said everything comes at you
Cos thats more like my experience
Anyway it dont matter, he made me laugh
Again it dont seem that bad
The guy telling his story seems ok
Even if the rest are a bit kooky

At the end of the meeting
I had broght no money
I didnt know what the pot was
I just passed the thing on and said nothing
Somehow I just sat
Cos I had no idea what to do next
No-one came up and spoke to me
I just sat at the back and waited til
most of them had gone
A few men at the front were putting some books away
I went and asked them what happens now ?
One of them asked me if I had a where to find ?
Whats that ?
Here you go, are you new ?
Yeh, well no, I came in 15 years ago to
a few meetings, heard the word God
and you can NEVER drink again
and I didnt come back
What do I do now ?
Ok he said,
"Do you think you can get to bed tonight without a drink?"
I dunno, I havent thought
"Ok go to another meeting later and go and ask some women to
give you there phone numbers, i'll give you mine but you
really need to speak to women, its better"
"It just is, less complicated"

So I went back to work
Went to another meeting at 6
Cant remember anything about it
Someone said try another one the next night
at the same church I had been to at lunch
I couldnt believe it
All right near work
I went outside for a cigarette
A young bloke curled up on the bench
outside the meeting
I seen him in the meeting
I offered him a cigarette
Arrogance and a sense of identification
and the same time drew me to him

We talked and then he said would I like a coffee
For some reason I said yes
Everyone I had spoken to seemed gentle
Talked Low

This guy and I talked for about 4 hours
he basically got me to talk
He made me laugh
he talked about his drinking
I listened
he talked about his thinking
I listened and nodded
he talked about a programe
it sounded like a foreign language
he talked about how things would change
it sounded unbelievable
he talked about how he knows he cant drink safely
and things happen when he did, so he doesnt now
I listened,
he talked about how beaten he was when he came in
I was just beaten, and had had enough
he empathised with my shame
and said its an illness
I looked at him in disbelief
Ah he said you didnt know this ?
he empathised with my feeling misunderstood
he said most people come in feeling isolated
he said many people duvet dive
That I could really identify with
he made me laugh at myself, as we laughed at ourselves
he also said that the women in AA would shoot
him for having coffee with a green newcomer like me
so he would have to be on his best behaviour
And he was, he set me an example
Both those guys did a fine job on me

I went home with a light skip happening
and went to bed that night without having had a drink
For one whole 24hours
A miracle

On that day, 3 people told me the truth
no-one had ever asked me stuff like this before
no-one had ever said they didnt like me when I drank before
My ? friends, were disappearing one by one
this ? person was one person who
had ? encouraged me
? listened to me
? understood me
and now I could feel them slipping away
rejection was right there
another one who seemed to understand
would eventually desert me....
people always let me down in the end
even my drinking buddies had warned
me not to drink Stella

No-one before had sat me down and talked
about how I felt inside and that Guy
got me to talk back in the way that I did that day
So we think cheerfulness and laughter make for usefulness P132

Ok if your still with me by the end of this post
Today I collected a 4 year chip
If your not, oh well never mind
it will do my ego good
not to have any comments!!

The meeting was like a party,
hooters and everything when the chips get given
Amazing, it got louder the newer the anniversaries
For the 24hour chip, the whole room was nearly dancing
Lazy Daisy cafe, your Meeting Rocked tonight!!

I am very grateful
Its been fairly ordinary day
and its been ok
Coping with the ordinary
Is something I need lots of practice on
I get antz in my pantz
And want to run off and do something
less boring instead

I phoned a guy who shares today, he is 7
I went and sat with someone 19 years sober
And went through how I dig deep with inventory
Showing her (19years)
I have to really let go
How Can I help her ? me 4 years
And how I pray
How I really ask for help
No fear, No limits

God said
Its my will not yours,
you know better than God Johno ?

She asked you to show her how you do inventory
NOT take her through the programme Johno

Ok, so I did

I've no idea what will come of it
Its none of my business
Am very grateful to have been given these tools
That work for me, releive me of misery
Isolation, confusion, fear and loneliness
That give me a sense of purpose, clarity, intuition
willingness to keep on
and if someone gets even just 5 minutes of relief
of that noise and confusion
by me passing something on
then i have to...
everyday, every minute, every hour, every second
its what was passed on to me
its what works for me
Give it away to keep it

Who Am I to say I have nothing to offer
Gods in charge
Today I am responsible
How the hell did that happen then!!

Thank you AA
Gateway to a 4th dimension, I could only have dreamed
Am lovin it


Namenlosen Trinker said...

Congratulations on your four years. (Yes, I made it to the end of your post.) Now you can say you have "years and years" of sobriety, LOL!

Kathy Lynne said...

That's wonderful Stella? Seems that four years ago today people were put in your life to lead you to today. I loved your post. Thank you for sharing where you were and where you are today. It gives me great hope.

Rhonda said...


johno said...

Kathy you gave me a chuckle, "I dont like you when you drink Stella" referring to Stella Artois, a ? Belgian Lager Beer whatever, but if you want to call me Stella, you can :) x Thanks all for your wishes, you guys and girls help me lots too!