Friday, August 03, 2007

Sponsor and inventory says... am Self will run riot, but I dont really think so

So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making.
They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme
example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn´t think so. P62

Just for today on the outside its all going
absolutely fabulous
on the inside .....Inspite of feeling really grateful
and willing and loving AA and everything

I walked round with this very thin suit of armour
and I didnt really know I had it on... until an hour ago

I want it all to go my way
I want perfection
I know best
I know how it all should be done
I am setting up rules
I am comparing

I forgot I am working with sick people (like me)
Though we did not like their symptoms and the way these
disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick too. P67

I forgot I am not working with mindless robots
I didnt realise peoples how different we behave
I forgot peoples sobriety doesnt depend on me

Job or no job-wife or no wife-we simply do not
stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon
other people ahead of dependence on God. P98

I forgot other people are very different to me
I forgot I dont have all the answers
I forgot people have the freedom to chose
I forgot I am not always right
I forgot how fearbased my actions were
I forgot how afraid of calling my Sponsor/s I am/was/can be
I forgot how scary embarking on the steps is
I forgot what unmanagable I was
I forgot how much my thoughts ruled my actions
I forgot how confused I was
I forgot how it is to be new
I forgot where I came from

Its not enough to be grateful and pass it on
Its about walking in someone elses shoes

I forgot, just exactly how unmanageable and out of control
I actually was
Will I ever actually know
I dont think so
What I think I was like as a newcomer
Is not how it actually was
I forget

I was
Crippled by fear and self pity
Very willing
very unteacheable
very willing
very unteacheable
like a time bomb
could have gone off at anytime
High maintenence
Will ring you
Leave me alone, but dont leave me

Welcome to the world of Sponsorship Johno
Sponsees are not clones dude

I am grateful to be asked to be a sponsor
I now need a clone
I cant Sponsor everyone

I wannit, I dont wannit

Sponsor said
Sounds like your need to cut her some slack
Sounds like self will....
Johno said....I dont think your understanding what am saying
God said... Shut up and listen and you'll hear she does !!

I just reverted into a control freak
Impatient, intolerent, self righteous

But to look and hear me you would have no idea
Gods own Angel, with a sulk on

Thank God I tried to speak with my Sponsor
The real me appeared in 5minutes
Cut through that thin but strong layer Self Will
It dont take long to build up
Even when I dont think am making much sense
Even when she dont appear to get me
She is
Its me thats not listening

I look at the differences in Sponsors
Me Myself and I
I am quick to THINK am not understood
I am quick to THINK she has got NO IDEA
I am quick to THINK i know best
I am quick to THINK I am sure
Naturally Of course I THINK i need to find a new sponsor
see how my problem is in my head ?

Wheres the good news in this post ?
Good news is
I have only sulked for an hour and a half
in which time I took the train journey home and wrote this post
I see how all this is really Just for today
I see how quickly I forget how bad actually it was
on a day to day basis as a newcomer
I see how judgemental and impatient I have been this week
I see how quickly I can become unteacheable
I see how my thinking COULD lead to....
destruction of personal relations, isolation
I see how destructive self will & arrogance
self centredness & intolerence can be
If not outwardly, inwardly to me
I see how my first thoughts cannot always be trusted
I must pay attention tho

I must pray more
Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us! God makes that possible. And there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without His aid. P62

Ok enough, am not going to sit and edit
this is me today, imperfect

Friday night is here again
Heres the T-shirt
None for sale

am off to bed. at 6.30am Saturday 4th of August
I will have been breathing for 40 years
Grateful or what
4 years ago, I didnt think I would make it to 40
now am gonna experience every second this weekend
in a 4th dimension that I could only have dreamed

Yeh I feel somewhat disgruntled that this eve
Realised I could do better

We were prepared to look for it from an entirely different angle. P66

We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick. P66

I come to a grinding halt
its true I am a thing and I will try to do better

Going to bed for the last time aged 39........zzzzzzzz

"God, I offer myself to Thee-to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!" P63

humbly Yours



Christine said...

often go when you went--I used to believe I hadd all the answers for 'em. Now I have a notebook ready while I go over the list with my sponsor. I write it down, try to follow her directions and pray to get out of the way.

johno said...

thanks for the suggestion

An Irish Friend of Bill said...

"I just reverted into a control freak
Impatient, intolerant, self righteous

See. I just do NOT UNDERSTAND or identify with aa's that talk of the 'ego feeding' properties of sponsorship. Sure there are some that 'get off' on being seen to be helping people, but I wonder what their success rate is? The reason say that, is that I find that YOU JUST CANT GET THROUGH TO THEM OR HELP THEM if you are doing what you describe above. This is why I LOVE the discipline of helping new people. Its the BEST way I know to NOT be a control freak. To NOT be judgmental. To NOT be self righteous. Its the best! It shows me that stuff like nothing else. That's what's so cool about it.

"I look at the differences in Sponsors
Me Myself and I
I am quick to THINK am not understood
I am quick to THINK she has got NO IDEA
I am quick to THINK i know best
I am quick to THINK I am sure
Naturally Of course I THINK i need to find a new sponsor
see how my problem is in my head ?"

Yeah, well I dispensed with sponsorship after step 9 so perhaps im the wrong person to ask. But I have to say, there are VERY FEW people in aa that I would draw the same conclusions as, about a situation. I remember wanting to find people in aa that thought the same. Well now I just don't need that 'external validation' anymore. Yeah I ask my old sponsor about specific queries very occasionally. But very rarely. I have learned to trust my intuition and my conscience.
Read the story in the women who run with the wolves about the 'doll in the pocket'. That will help.

Your thinking above sounds barbed with anger, and that does not hepl. And being self righteous is ALWAYS wrong, but what if, besides all that, you are right anyway? See? Its not as simple as you think.

p88. The third task navigating in the dark. In fact read the whole of chapter three. Women who run with the wolves. They have it on amazon and Watkins.

johno said...

Thanks for the suggestions