Monday, August 06, 2007

Pre mental Tension - Caught me unawares!!

I am not going to apologise for the
content of this post, its all about me
and myself and how I am physically

Am completely Powerless over when....
1 week early!?
no am not worried
I diarise, I prepare, get "fit" in all areas
watch for the symptoms
This one completely came from no where
A curve ball
So Friday evenings behaviour is not so random now
its bleedin obvious
(sorry no pun intended it just happened)

One day a month
I am better of selotaping my mouth shut
where possible staying away staying in bed
as this is not possible
and I choose no longer to duvet dive
and bunk off work
as I am not ill (hmmm)

I have to excersize extreme restraint of tongue
pen and email and blo...
i was gonna add blog, but then why do i need to
I blog for me
Its my thinking, my processing, my tool
where my thinking was going, didnt concern me Friday
I knew I would take inventory pretty quick
and get to the root and deal with it
(and I did Saturday Morning,
and promptly admitted my wrong)
My thinking interested me more than anything
How the mood changed
Anger, resentment, sulking
Why it had got like that
Now its obvious

Though you know
because I now know to stay honest
because I now do not destroy the innocent
because I do show my "ugly" true self
at people who are strong enough, strong AA and God
There arent many who take my inventory
But I am grateful for it
Even if I dont like it immediately
Its what I need
funnily my sponsee almost did the other day

PMT doesnt change anything
I said about myself on Friday
I had reverted to a control freak
and I didnt know what to do
Its true I am new at sponsoring
I am not new at working with newcomers
They are both different
I was trying to control this "cat"
Trying to make it go may way
Cos my way was "the only" way
It was subtle, but there even so
Cunning

I do trust my intuition
I do trust Prayer
I do trust God
I do trust my own experience
I do trust the experience of others
I do not do everything I am told
I do take suggestions
I do try things
Not always immediately
Nothing goes to waste
If its not relevant today
It maybe tomorrow or next year
Shove it in the library

Am grateful for Sponsors and everyone elses
suggestions and especially grateful
to anyone who take my inventory
it must be needed
whether I choose to take notice
is my business

Its a reminder
that no one has all the answers
its like a jigsaw
between us we get there

Spent a couple of hours yesterday
in prayer and inventory
It so helps me get clarity on everything
So did tradition 6... but thats another post

God always seems to have a way of sorting things out
when I let him,
I did what was suggested.... nothing else

And once again God did for me what I couldnt
do for myself

Sponsee told me she wasnt willing
to put recovery first at the mo and would call
me when she is...

There are no coincidences

Ok am off now
Another conversation with God

Thank you for all your Birthday Wishes
I had the most awesome 36hours
Loads of posts and pictures
just stuff that came up
things that interest me
like a Ninja Duck in St James Park
I took a video of this Duck going to anylengths...
serious dudes!! I dunno how to post a video
will take a year for me to download it off the camera

To finish off where I started
(oh God theres another one!?)
dressed very becomingly for
Ronnie Scotts
heels and yeh ok a dress aswell (shhh)
I hate to admit it... very classy bird i was...
Excellent Original Blues Brothers band
"From off the original movie!!" its true
I am so damn lucky

how come I had been home only a few hours after a long day
and night, I got in a 3am ish and had only been
home a few hours when it happened ?
If it happened a few hours earlier
It would have been well messy

There really are no coincidence
God looks after mee in so many ways

Baa

8 comments:

vetver said...

I just discovered your blog and already love it! Yeah I understand this post soooo much. I tell the people closest to me that sometimes I have a day when I make big deals out of little deals, and I will most likely come back the next morning and ask for 'a pass'... ahhhh

Rhonda said...

Ok you just gave me a very good giggle.
maybe it's because I'm so on the same page with you!
I had a similar weekend as you.
Yet without the dress and very cool evening out.


My Mom is doing very well!

An Irish Friend of Bill said...

pre mental.. thats funny! havent heard that one.
Moods are funny things. the bear with a sore head thing is always a good time to SHUT UP. I might try the sellotape myself sometime..
yeah. we've all been there. talked CRAP, and then felt a bit stupid when we've calmed down..
oh well..

Kathy Lynne said...

johno: Wow! Me too. Blubbering idiot that I was last week and off my medication, don't you know same thing. Next day..bingo and more was revealed:) Even when I am regular I am suprised, just like the first time at 14. I'm in that peri meno stuff too so the swings have intenisfied..(not trying to scare you it just is..) It was a perfect (read, lame) excuse to drink for a few days. Personally, I can't wait till its over. Don't care if I go bonkers, just want the monthly shock to end.

Christine said...

grateful God takes care of us in so many ways

Syd said...

I don't have trouble with my mouth but my mind can go to some places where thoughts might kill. I don't like that when it happens and thankfully recognize it now when it happens. Premental tension--cool diagnosis.

An Irish Friend of Bill said...

Hey. Just out of interest. If I were to call you an 'awl Fecker' as in Father Ted. Would you be offended? Or assume I have some rampant anger problem? Just wondered as I dont think these uniquely ! british terms of endearment translate very well across the pond..
oops!
oh well. never mind eh? (hiding under the parapet for fear of being branded a frothing looney..)

Dang! I've just discovered that you cant email using father ted type swear words in an ironic fashion to some of those fine american friends of ours. I love a good friendly swear. But they are quite polite and do not converse in that jocular fashion. Oops. I think one of them thinks I'm a nutter! Ah well. You live and learn..

johno the 'awl fecker said...

its safe t come out now, you frothing looney, will post more later :) Prison Service tonight, need to pray and inventory, the hours away lots going on all of a sudden, nothing to Big for me and my Bigger God. Thanks for comments all, watch this space, yours constantly inspired to post by everything around me... and lovin it