Saturday, June 30, 2007

Praying for People

Somehow we are all linked - One - We
when we hear someone is hurting
we also hurt a little

I dont know George
I just know of him

But tonight I will pray for him
Because I want to
Sometimes in any given situation
Its all I can do

Let Go Let God

God take Special care of George and Blue

Step 7 - Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings

The very abridged version of Johno's journey into Step 7

It doesnt say Humbly asked your Sponsor as you understand Her to remove your thinking or push you down your Spiritual path

The Him with a capital H refers to God (as you understand it)
and the shortcomings are our defects


My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad.P76

We must let go absolutly
and continue to
change and be changed
our work never stops
Let Him have all of me, the Lovely bits and the defective bits

no more
deciding when to Rest on Laurels
deciding to hover in comfort zones
deciding that this my our lot
deciding that there are somethings that cannot be changed
deciding I am stuck with habits of a lifetime
deciding the trivial stuff needs no work
deciding which are harmless to me
deciding I know best which to work on and when
deciding I know which of my behaviour affects other and what doesnt
deciding the good bits are good enough

I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character... P76

If I was Purely God driven, I wouldnt have any resentments or fears
I would be driven by pure Love
I am a human, with defects whether I like it or not
Driven by defects, because I knew no other way
Nurtured not natured, no ones fault, western society I suppose
Therefore I need to ask him to remove my defects so I am not ruled by them

... which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. P76

whats trivial, liveable with, not a problem for me
just because I am not aware of it advisersely affecting anyone only myself
there may be someone drinking over the same thing
to them its a difficulty, life threatening

If I live my life driven by self will and fear, then its a complete slap in the face to God and the first 100 members and all the others who carried the message and the lengths everyone since has gone to

Half measures means not allowing the true potential of this Divinely inspired programme to come all over me. What a waste of anylengths

Its me saying that I will continue to put test this thing (you God) out on everything. It doesnt say that I will give all of me and you will make me perfect and so I can put my feet up and pontificate on how I can now and decide when to when not to work, what to work on me and what not too.

There is scarcely any form of trouble and misery which has not been overcome among us.p15

Quite as important was the discovery that spiritual principles would solve all my problems.P42

problem big or small or just something which needs abit of work

Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding. Amen P76

Never underestimate the Power of God (as you understand Him)
Now I have found this Loving one, I have no reason to fear its huge Power
God is Love and it wants the best for me (and you)
Thy will not mine be done
Show me what you want me to do

Live and Let Live Dudes

Notice and EnJOY something each day
Do what needs to be done
ask for help
and keep trying
you'll get it if you want it
what ever it is

Keep working on it

Dont quit before the miracle

PS no Gym sat & sun, its closed (its true, its open office hours)

The "meeting after the meeting"

So we think cheerfulness and laughter make for usefulness. Outsiders are sometimes shocked when we bust into merriment over a seemingly tragic experience out of the past. But why shouldn’t we laugh? We have recovered, and have been given the power to help others. P132

I have just had a really enjoyable Friday evening

Left work at 5pm
Had done it all thoroughly
Went to the gym
Went to get some food
Went to home group early
"ready for the newcomer/still suffering,
even if its not apparant that there is any"
enjoyed time with friends, fellows, visitors
catching up with the weeks happenings
joys, discoveries, same old, progress, procrastination

In our meeting room we have a kitchen
and its still is the place
where allsorts of "stuff" is discussed
Aswell as what can I get you tea or coffee, I caught words like
Ferrets and birds eyes!! on my way to and from getting some tea
people were laughing

After the meeting
15 minutes for coffee and a chat
then off to the local cafe for a bite to eat, coffee and fellowship

Sometimes there are no newpeople
tonight was one of those evenings
The topics that come up when this happens are varied
One of them tonight was
what it was like
bad kareoke, puking on partners after a night out, incontinence
how much laughter was there
no longer afraid or wishing to forget, there is no need

We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. P83

soo much laughter were we sober ?
about 7/10 one of us was post step 9
the others were somewhere between steps 1 and 5 also regular members
These are the Friday evenings I used to dream about
Nights like these, these fellows become more and more my friends
We open up, about what we like what we dont like
accept and then get the last train home
Tomorrow I will have no regrets or amends to make

I love my Friday home group
Its a right good Friday night out with me mates!!

a little gathering of men and women, happy in their release, and constantly thinking how they might present their discovery to some newcomer.P159

Oh yeh almost forgot about the actual meeting :-D
Step 7
Humbly asked Him to remove all our shortcomings
Its talking about our defects
Watch this space

Happy weekend all

We are sure God wants us to be happy, joyous, and free.P133

I agree. End of!!

All page refs Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Last night I had a Drinking Dream

I had a dream within a dream

I dreamed that I was lying in bed drinking red wine
I dreamed that I was Taking inventory
In my dream I thought well no-one will know am nearly four years sober
it wont matter, I'll just carry on as if it didnt happen
I have only had a few glasses
no need to tell anyone
I then drifted off to oblivion in my dream
I then woke up in my dream and realised what I had done
Fear, shame, fkinhell what do I do now

Momentarily we did-then would come oblivion and the awful awakening to face the hideous Four Horsemen-Terror, Bewilderment, Frustration, Despair. Unhappy drinkers who read this page will understand! P151

Then I REALLY woke up
in a sweat
checked all over the bed and around
no wine, no bottle, no glasses
no hangover

We know our friend is like a boy whistling in the dark to keep up his spirits. He fools himself. Inwardly he would give anything to take half a dozen drinks and get away with them. p152

I still have the alcoholic mind
Thankfully it rears up in my sleep
I am completely powerless when I am asleep

Remember that we deal with alcohol-cunning, baffling, powerful! P59
"Its doing press ups in the corner
Flexing its muscles..."


Nowadays drinking dreams usually come for me
when I am really grateful really on it
almost verging on self righteous
arrogance of how great I am
at this recovery lark!!

For me, Drinking dreams are the disease fighting back.
A complete puncture of my ego
Am grateful for them

In early recovery they scared me
BUT even though I didnt like them
I was grateful for them cos they reminded me
where I had come from

I have let go of some pretty heavy stuff
and grown a little lighter in the last 7 days
and am work in progress
Am grateful of the dream
Am grateful for so much

Quite as important was the discovery that spiritual
principles would solve all my problems P42

This am the most grateful for

page refs Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous

Ok Stop reading, this is a private note to self
...did the gym again today, please no applause
it was a note to self, Just for today... I did something
I didnt want to do just for excersize ha ha

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Personal Fitness

The thing about blogging is that
I get to see how you guys do life

It shows up my shortfalls
It shows up my strengths

A post this week on Recovery Archive
and a comment back by Bouncing on the Bottom
around the subject of Personal Fitness, Food and Excersize
has pricked my conscience AGAIN
you got me looking from an entirely differnt angle
which is always good thing

I also had an email exchange with my personal
trainer which ended up with her telling me
to "stop making excuses and get down the gym"
or you'll end up with a squidgy butt"

Heard similar before somewhere "these are just
excuses stop balking and get on with the steps"
So i shut up, its me thats just stopping me
Get over yourself Johno

Trainer barked "getting down there once a week would be a start!!
Its true, once a week would be better than "nonce" a week
(er can I use that word in this context?)
I mean better than not atall
She cant do it for me, she just sets the programme
I've got to do the work

Ive just been down the gym
she's right, i do feel better
75mins, did nearly all she set me

Personal Fitness it seems is a way of life
not something of a chore, a luxury or something
I might just get addicted too, like some
excersize junkies, I see on TV

Taking care of myself, with the help of someone (a personal trainer)
that knows better than me "Get with the programme Johno!!"

Seems am suffering from contempt prior to investigation
A huge amount of self will, self righteous, arrogance
and am afraid of becoming what I want to become
an alround fit ass

Sometimes its my fear of success that hold me back
just as much as my fear of failure used to

anyway I've done it now, once this week

Thank you :-)

Tuesday, June 26, 2007


Honesty must not be used as a weapon
Is something my sponsor passed onto me
It is a sponsor instruction that springs to mind often along with

The rule is we must be hard on ourself, but always considerate of others.P74

Honesty is so important, an essential

If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking, you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic. P44

There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest. P58

But they had not learned enough of humility, fearlessness and honesty, in the sense we find it necessary P73

Nothing counted but thoroughness and honesty P65

Most emphatically we wish to say that any alcoholic capable of honestly facing his problems in the light of our experience can recover, provided he does not close his mind to all spiritual concepts P570 Spiritual Experience

Willingness, honesty and open mindedness are the essentials of recovery p570 Spiritual Experience

Belief in the power of God, plus enough willingness, honesty and humility P13

if he has accepted our solution which, as you know, demands rigorous honesty P145

But it can be damaging to self and others
if it is driven by defects

I now know the difference
Being honest, with self seeking
needing your approval
Being partially Honest, driven by fear
scared shitless at the same time
fear of what you think or what will happen
Being honest, driven by vengefulness
a weapon, to make someone suffer

Nowadays I try not to do the above
I try to practice
Being honest, driven by love
sharing of experience
Being honest driven by an desire to be helpful
Being honest with an desire to grow
if I am honest with myself,
I get to know
where I am at
and so do you

Big Book suggests for a difference of opinion..
Just be careful not to disagree in a resentful or critical spirit. P117

Speaking, writing honestly in any shape or form nowadays,
is abit like Step5 on an ongoing basis
I get to hear what it sounds like
and my conscience reacts accordingly

I cannot find out the truth
just by thinking, and reading my mind
I need a "Needle gun" of sorts
a shot blaster, a Power tool
inventory and prayer are a very god start

We took stock honestly P67

But He has come to all who have honestly sought Him P57

How other people react to what I say
Is none of my business
I try and keep my motives good
(as pure as they can be is any given moment)

If someone is hurt or offended or any other
thing that comes as a result of my honesty
its upto them to say
people (including me) can assume alsorts

I dont know what I dont know
and I dont know where you are at
do I need to ? I dont know that either

If I dont know what to do
I will say I dont know what to do
be honest in what my problem is
I wont expect people to mind read I that need
help, just because my problem is defect driven
eg. If I am frightened, I will say am frightened and I
need help with...
obviously I am careful who I disclose this stuff too
If I dont know what the problem is
initially sponsors helped me get to the bottom of it
nowadays its inventory and prayer
and then sponsor and or whoever/whatever seems to be the best resource

What I do know is
the hardest thing to accept
about improving on the personal relations
is that I am Powerless over where you are
at any given moment with your stuff

I do not use honesty as a weapon
Trust me

Take care
with love

Page refs Alcoholics Anonymous big Book

Monday, June 25, 2007

City Mice Diet

I find life itself funny
Our air con is not working and they wont pay
to fix it, cos we are moving
and theres food leftovers everywhere
sounds like my flat used to be

Anyway heres part of an email we got today
from our office manager

Subject: Mice
Dear All

Just letting you know that the mice are back again!!
This time they have brought their cousins!

As this appears to be an ongoing problem we need
to make sure that we DO NOT leave any left over food
lying around at the end of the day. It would appear
that the little mite's are coming into our office and
having a banquet fit for king!! Not only are we keeping
them nice and warm but we are feeding them as well -
they are never going to leave when they are nice and
warm and their bellies are full! The 'Mice Catcher'
is putting down the poison but they are not touching
this, then why should they, when they can come into the
office and have something much more tasty to eat like a
sandwich with some crisps, biscuits, crisps, cereal, cakes,
left over pizza etc, the list is endless.

We therefore need to take some drastic action and 'stick'
to it otherwise when we move the mice will come with us
and we will never be rid of them.

Ok am gonna do some guitar
take a bath
eat and snuggle
no alarm!!

Happy Monday

Getting angry doesnt solve anything

Due to your recent posts on Anger
I am watching out for booby traps

Typically after listening to the alarm
Til it started to get light
dilemma between
well its not worth going to sleep now
and i cant anyway
Finished reading "A Pilgrims Progress"
I dropped off about 5 and woke up 8.45 eek
Shop Alarm still going off...

Prayer answered in the middle of washing my hair
go in the shop & get the number of the alarm
security company who are te call out contact
Common sense, perfect sense
much better than my idea
"if i leave it to someone else it'll get sorted"

A further rush of soundness of mind led me onto
Well if a shop alarm is going off
for this long, then its a fault in the wiring
No one would leave it binging off that long purposely
If its working properly, the security co or
police would be on it
I cant blame the shop owner
Cos they probably are completely oblivious

I raced down the stairs to check out which shop
as at anytime the alarm could just get turned off
it was passed 9am
as I got nearer the door
Fear said, they'll just tell you to MYOB
Faith said... just ask for a number so if it happens again
you can alert someone, go on

So I did, the manager wasnt gonna be in til
later but she said he would sort it
I walked out of the shop
then walked back in
Asked for his number so I could call him
she said theres no point in having the landline number
as they only open shop hours... she missed the point
I asked for it anyway

Dave the manager told me
he was in touch with the alarm & security people
to find out why it went off
was it a fault in the wiring
or was it operator error from his Sunday staff
Either way, he was sorry this had happened
It should be sorted today
He gave me his personal mobile number anyway
just incase it happened let him know

I cant really ask for more than that

Yeh could have asked for compensation and all that stuff
The shop is an outlet to promote a new Gym opening near me
What kind of compensation would I get from them then?
What would I do with a Gym membership
It would be abit like waving a stake at a vampire

All i wanted was a solution incase it happened again
thats what I got

As for work
yeh called them, said I would be late
someone said, "they wouldnt have bothered to turn up
they would have gone back to bed for the day"
Is it me? taking responsibility and tying up loose ends
This really is the easier softer way

Its not a bird

I heard this bird start up this afternoon
its been at it 12 hours now
so it cant be a bird
must be an alarm

Pass me the more cocoa
and a book

God sort it out please

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Personal relations - recent Progress

What happened is that
another pedestal and old idea
has come down, it crashed on Friday
I feel so much better

I have been wrestling with this pig in my head
for a few weeks now, refusing to put it
on paper

As soon as I did I felt humbled
Another teachable moment where I had
Got it all wrong, what seemed perfectly
rational, I had sussed the defect in my head
and was dealing with it appropriatelly

On paper it became clear it was a completely
different defect, that was driving this
wrestling match

I have had to stop taking other people inventory
ie 2nd guessing again why they are behaving the way they are
around me, even though its positive behaviour
I always assume I am the underdog
in need of a leg up
and why arent they assuming that same old position
of footstool

Today I feel different
today i am already up
and i couldnt see it
I am myself
I am enough
It has worked
it is working
it will continue to

people behave diffently towards me now
because I am different

I hadnt really understood what was had occurred
until Friday evening in a Step 6 meeting
am still shocked by this and suprised
there are no coincidences
I forgot about this step

Step 6
Were entirely ready to have God remove
all these defects of character

Well am I? am I still willing?
what defect is it this time ?
-that means, letting go of an old idea that around certain people
I will always be a lustful and self seeking
-if i wont, that means, I do not trust this process
-that means, I have not handed all my difficulties over
I am holding something back
-that means I need to take a step back to Step 3 on something
still didnt feel right
yeh on this difficulty I needed to go back to step3
and then take inventory

Step 6 = I have to be willing to let go of them all
it doesnt say when or how its about being willing
God I could go on for hours!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I did let go and took inventory again
It showed me that I was wrong about the
defects that have been driving this recent wrestle
My thinking is so unreliable
Fear holds me back
Self will is disastrous left inside my head

Take inventory
Its alwasy easier to take someone inventory
inventory showed me
What I was unwilling to do was accept I would ever
make any progress around someone
No longer were the same defects driving me
I thougt they were, again I cannot rely on my thinking

It was simply fear = of progress of the unfamiliar
and self will = this person wasnt assuming the position
of fixer I was usd to and i didnt like that cos this
new stuff seemed unfamiliar, therefor it must be a problem

I couldnt see. I have made progress
Taking inventory has very positive effects

the Power of God and using the tools
God has done for me what I couldnt do form myself
Sorry and all that, I got it very wrong God
Lack of faith in your power

Now I have a message of recovery
My primary purpose is to stay sober and help other alcoholics
Whether on a blog or in a meeting or anywhere
end of

Gods response... in a gentle but firm voice
Johno just continue to be yourself
its enough, no need to be afraid
Do not be discouraged
Progress not prefection
Keep on keeping on

ok, i will

Experience Strength & Hope

Personal relations
Practicing these principles
from relying on people
to reliance upon God
(as I understand him)

What it was like
I spent all my life
looking for the the right person
to wave a magic wand and fix me
when i saw other people were vulnerable too
i tried to fix them

I thought that if i just hung around them
I would feel better
if i listened to their "wise" words
i would be ok
the wise words were simple "common sense"
to me it was a different language

Its true, i felt better when i was with them
it wore off when i wasnt
i just felt restless irritable and discontented
but i kept going back for more
unable to leave it alone
always believing next time would be the one
i would get this thing they had
when i didnt
I felt really useless
and i resented them for not being able
to get through
they eventually fleed, or drifted away
or I rejected them

What happened ?
Being in AA its like I got to start again
only it took a while to realise
that i still was behaving the same way
I couldnt see what was I was doing
for a long while, when I did I didnt like it
and even more scary, this honest program
of action was forcing me to do something about it
(no person did made me do this,
the process weeded it out and I had a choice
change or die)
To be doomed to an alcoholic death or to live
on a spiritual basis are not always easy alternatives
to face. But it isn't so difficult.

I got to find out exactly I had that
was of use "assets" and what the "deadwood"
A cluster of old ideas I have HAD to let go of
- my sponsor knows the answer to everything. Wrong
- people will fix me and I will fix other people. Wrong
- If someone is sad, and they talk to me, i should
make them laugh of course its my duty. Wrong
- People will always be there. Wrong
- All AA's are reliable. Wrong
- AA's always tell the truth. Wrong
- Just because they dress well, they must be ok. Wrong
- just because they've been around the fellowship
since man first crushed grapes, they are the dogs bollocks
and must be my first point of contact for EVERYTHING. Wrong
- Just because "part of the herd" seems to respect them
they must be right. Wrong
- I must know all the answers and all possible combinations. Wrong
- If I have the best sponsor I will stay sober. Wrong
- Simply attending lots of meetings will keep me sober. Wrong
- Solely talking to God will make it all alright. Wrong
- Spending time alone with "Virtual people" is enough. Wrong
ok enough...i need to stop and get to the point

What happened again?
I reached a point a few years ago
When my idea that my sponsor would eventually
comeup with a the magic link in the chain
finally ran out of steam
I was left feeling afraid
I wanted to reject before being rejected
I wanted to eject, run away and stay
at the same time
Disillusionment and helplessness are his lot. In time all his protectors either flee or die, and he is once more left alone and afraid. Step 4. 12x12

This reliance I had had of people
this belief that someone would eventually
come up with a cure for my ucked upness
was crumbling
It wasnt the sponsor that was at fault
it was my 30 year old idea that had no depth
Reality set in, as did fear

I had heard in AA lots of times that
what I put before my recovery I will lose
Job or no job-wife or no wife-we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God.P98

I had heard that My reliance must be on a Power
Greater than myself
I had heard that a for AA itself
a Loving God is the ultimate authority. Tradition 2
I had heard and experienced that people will let me down
My ideals for people and myslef to live upto
were way to high, there is only one thing
that seemed to fit this gap
I couldnt change myself and neither could my sponsor
This problem I had was beyond human aid
(a)That we were alcoholic and could
not manage our own lives.
(b)That probably no human power could have
relieved our alcoholism.
(c)That God could and would if He were sought.
My sponsor had faith that was enough

It was a time when Steps 2 & 3 were making
that journey from the head to my heart
Gulp, I duuno what to do
If you want to learn how to swim
Take lessons
Even when you had lessons
When your teacher says jump in for the first time
Its a risk we have to take that the instructions
will work, even though we see it works for others
we have fear that we are special and different
its about faith and works

just jumping in isnt enough
we have to work the arms and legs and breathe
if we do just one or two it will be ok
to do it all at the same time, they way we are shown
it will be better
trust your teacher wouldnt have suggested it if
they didnt think it would be ok
(well yeh, ok there are some dubious teachers)
So basically I had to rely on God
either God is everything or else He is nothing.
God either is or He isn´t.
I knew this, but didnt know how to do this
I always scared of this leap of faith
We were grateful that Reason had brought us so far.
But somehow, we couldn´t quite step ashore.
that there would be no water in the swinmming pool
the day I got round to jumping in
(I still thought I was special and different)
That was natural, P53

But again my fear was driving a BIG FAT LIE
Paralysed by fear
I had to jump anyway, just fucking do it
Enough of the analysis

I likened it to stage diving, like they do
jumping off the stage, diving onto the crowd
trust they will not be ripped to pieces
and they will be returned to the stage
Rarely have we seen a person fail who has
thoroughly followed our path

But there is One who has all power-that One is God P58
I found him and I haven't let go since
Why would I, only an act of pure self will and sabotage
would let go of this thing now
A new life has been given us or,
if you prefer, a design for living that really works

What seemed at first a flimsy reed,
has proved to be the loving and powerful hand of God.

By praying
and using the tools I had been given so far
I was led to I needed and wanted to go next
being teachable it was easy
I knew it was the right thing
With some still doubt
I rally drove all the tools i had been given
and they didnt let me down

I found someone who had absolute faith
in a loving God
someone who had just that
that was the only thing I wanted from them
to show me their journey through the steps
and how they have and absolute faith in
their Loving Higher Power

What its like now
I did it like they did
and guess what
I have that thing now
absolute unshakeable faith
and its lovely

Its God I rely on
Prayer and the tools
Yeh sometimes I get absurd Ideasp87
I do seek counsel at times
doesnt have to be with my sponsor

The more I work with God (as I understand it)
the stronger I am inside
The spiritual surgery works
we find that our thinking will,
as time passes, be more and more on the plane
of inspiration. We come to rely upon it.

People do teach me, I just dont rely on them

God is

I have made huge progress
and am still work in progress on this one
am willing to grow some more
its all gonna be ok
I am in safe hands

In Your Eyes

Somehow if you click the title it takes you
To a You Tube of...

Peter Gabriel

"In Your Eyes"

love I get so lost, sometimes
days pass and this emptiness fills my heart
when I want to run away
I drive off in my car
but whichever way I go
I come back to the place you are

all my instincts, they return
and the grand facade, so soon will burn
without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside

in your eyes
the light the heat
in your eyes
I am complete
in your eyes
I see the doorway to a thousand churches
in your eyes
the resolution of all the fruitless searches
in your eyes
I see the light and the heat
in your eyes
oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light
the heat I see in your eyes

love, I don't like to see so much pain
so much wasted and this moment keeps slipping away
I get so tired of working so hard for our survival
I look to the time with you to keep me awake and alive

and all my instincts, they return
and the grand facade, so soon will burn
without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside

in your eyes
the light the heat
in your eyes
I am complete
in your eyes
I see the doorway to a thousand churches
in your eyes
the resolution of all the fruitless searches
in your eyes
I see the light and the heat
in your eyes
oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light,
the heat I see in your eyes
in your eyes in your eyes
in your eyes in your eyes
in your eyes in your eyes
For me
Love = A Loving Higher Power
(I choose to call God)
In your eyes I am complete
This ones for you God

Doing it sober - another first

Its a first

Just spent 10 hours in the open air
listened to some excellent bands
3 stages
saw some new ones (to me)
and a couple of old favourites

Such a cheap day out doing it sober
So much more chilled
Not racing to the beer tent between sets
Not racing to the toilet
Not missing anything
Present for it all

there's something about music
theres something about it
that opens me up
and cradles my heart
then lifts me up

Forever Like Red
Bens Brother
Amy Macdonald
The Feeling aswell as their own stuff
did an awesome cover of "Video killed the Radio Star"

Crowded House sang
Always take the weather with you
and it starts terrential raining
we shared umbrella's
it didnt matter

Peter Gabriel
20 feet away, singing
In Your Eyes
I felt so lucky
my heart just feels blessed
It was a beautiful moment

If you had asked me what
I would like to hear the most live today
it would be that one
it was worth working for
Am grateful

I love seeing gifts of everything
even the ordinary days have gifts
I dont ever want to lose
the gratitude
I feel for what
I have been given
I dont want to stop noticing it all

Saturday, June 23, 2007

I am Grateful

I have just experienced a very teachable moment
which I will share another time
am processing it
Basically I have made some progress
without even realising it
to do with people, personal relations
I thought it was like this
when actually not

to acknowledge progress is a MUST
however small and slow I think it is
the reality is, all growth is a gift
Its a spiritual awakening we get
not an alarm clock in our ear

Am humbled once again by the Power of God
(as I understand Him)
Hand in Hand with the Spirit of the Universe
anything can happen
well it just has and its lovely

bring it on!!
Recovery Rocks dudes

If like me you are going to
Hyde Park Calling tomorrow
Have a great time...

Friday, June 22, 2007


Kind. Is something I always "tried" to be
ie great effort was put in
I never got the "responses" from people
which I expected
so would get a resentment and sulk

Today I was called kind (more than once)
and thanked for my kindness today
I didnt even know that I was being kind
I just was

Its happenened without me noticing
I didnt have to put any effort in today

What I saw was "just doing my job"
Others saw as kindness

Its none of my business what was going
on in the heads of those who said it

All I know is that I am naturally a kind person
and by just doing the right things
ie in this instant "just doing my job"
without the self seeking motives
of recognition
I am now doing this kindness thing
without even trying
its no effort
I just am kind (I am not a saint)
The recognition thing happened
naturally aswell, but thats another post last summer

We will suddenly realize that God is doing for
us what we could not do for ourselves P84

This has happened as the result of these steps
This has happened as the result of listening
and doing what my Sponsors have suggested
This has happened as a result of being honest
openminded and willing (to do the next right thing)
this has happened as the result of cultivating
and growing a relationship of a loving Higher power
(one that wants the best for us all)
This has happened as the result of trusting the process

It works - it really does
I am changed and changing
I love this

Just doing my job isnt about just turning up and
being the angry doormat victim martyr anymore.
its about doing anylength, being of max helpfulness
whatever am asked todo, being in a job I can do
and or getting the training to do whats required to
do it... whatever it is... unless its illegal or
immoral... I work for them, I do not run the show.
By living this, we have more laughs at work
than I have ever experienced in any other job
and our respective line managers are more than happy
with our performance)

I laugh more than I have ever laughed
It dont seem like work
We often say
When does the real work start then ?
And I earn more than I have ever earned...

This is definitely a 4th Dimension am in
Its Life Jim, but not as you know it

thank you for all your comments the last few days

By the way
life isnt perfect
I have some areas of my
life which are unmanageable
Some of my affairs need working on
It IS all moving in the right direction
its all along way away from that
pityful demoralization not not too many years ago

I have absolute faith that as long as I
Keep on, keeping on, have faith in my loving HP
and use these Spiritual tools
ALL my problems, difficulties, defects, flaws
faults, sick bits, mental, physical, internal
external will be dealable with
one way or another

BUT it will be in Gods time NOT mine

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

when I dont know what to say

when I dont know what to say
it is ok to say nothing
or say "I dont know what to say"
(more often than not, its enough)

"You say it best
...when you say nothing atall"
(Ronan Keating)

"I dont know what else to say"
am just as grateful as ever dudes

It works - It really does

It works-It really does
P88 Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous

I am grateful today
that I do not buy into other peoples drama
I do not react with muted anger or audible sarcasm
towards people for replaying the
"this is this weeks problem tape"
to everyone that asks how they are
regardless of who they are
whether they are equipped to deal with it

once I got in AA and found a voice of sorts
its like the tape was on constant
play, rewind, play, rewind
all my problems seemed to build up like layers
and even though some became resolved
it was like i couldnt grasp it - couldnt see the truth
life got too much, and even the simplest things
became too ard, it was all just too ard

Spiritually sick, emotionally crippled, mentally defective
physically just a bag of organs, surviving
continually sick and tired of being sick and tired
I was the most miserable **!
Continually needing reminding
We are sick people getting well, not bad people getting good

God am glad its not like that now!!

Up to a few years ago
I had no idea how to deal with
the Devils who wear Prada
The Primadonnas LOUD AND PROUD
now I am
(I have a God that helpd me come to believe)
that my George from Asda is good enough!!
Twiggy at M&S is also enough
And the Devil also weras George & M&S

The Devil often does wear Prada in circles
that I now find myself in and he often reveals himself
and she aint a pretty woman
The grass is not greener

So I stick with "trying to be of maximum helpfulness"
continue to dress becomingly in my George at Asda
and Twiggy at M&S
and stay out of other peoples drama's
I do not have to fix them
I do not have to like them
I do not have to take them home with me

I like praying for people nowadays
People appear to change after a few days
...... they do, its true, they appear to change works this praying lark
Its magic
...... stop your scoffing and try it

Yeh I have resentments its obvious
Those same defects do not disappear
they just quieten
But I take inventory and pray for them dudes
On my knees at times
I rarely say how I feel when in resentment
mostly its not helpful
(I remember trying it, making a comment,
it resulted in a loud shouting match
battle of self wills
- my motives for the comment
was barbed with envy, self pity, pride
and self centred fear, affecting my security
self esteem and personal relations)
In otherwords, crap motives

At that time, I didnt have this
faith in the Spirit of the Universe,
a Loving God (its true)
I had no idea what to do with these people
So i would avoid them
Now I dont need to, in fact its impossible to
These Eskimo's turn up all over the place
carrying Prada bags

God hears my truth and thats enough
I have been a doormat to my own stuff long enough
I am not prepared to be one for anyone elses
Its just not Gods will for me, I KNOW
I have worked to hard for what I have now
With His help and his messengers

How much money they have is none of my business
What they talk about is also none of my business
What their drama's are is also none of my business
Even if they tell me I dont have to comment
"I dont know" is enough
Gossip Kills (me if I listen to it)
Idle banter kills me (if I take part in it for too long)
So I try not to do either

Nowadays I love my Devils in Prada
They are all Gods kids, as I am
Perfect in their imperfectness
Just like meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Sleeeeeeeeeeeep give me Sleeeeeeeeeeeep

Gratefully yours God, to build with me
and to do with me as Thou wilt
(please dont put me in Prada)

Ps God only kidding about me in Prada
i'll leave it with you

PPs God do you wear Prada ?

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Go for Gold, then, Give it away to Keep it

Like a gaunt prospector, belt drawn in over the
ounce of food, our pick struck gold. Joy at our release
from a lifetime of frustration knew no bounds.
Father feels he has struck something better than gold.
For a time he may try to hug the new treasure to himself.
He may not see at once that he has barely scratched a
limitless lode which will pay dividends only if he mines
it for the rest of his life and insists on giving
away the entire product. P128,129

I love this, its one of my favouritist bits

I used to only give so much information
at work or in family or friends etc
Fear that I might be seen as a failure
or that someone may "use" the information
and become better than me

Nowadays, it seems the more thats revealed to me
the more I want to give away freely
and the simpler life is

tell the truth

At work, I used to just keep skills
tricks, short cuts, resources to myself
I would give stuff away, if I felt like it
if i liked them, if I could be bothered
or if i did, i would judge managers etc
for not having done their jobs right in
recruitment etc etc people should know what to
do from the minute they walk through the door... right!!

AA's showed me what to do, I needed showing
from the minute I walked in the door
and then as soon as i had something
I HAD to GIVE it away to a newcomer
even when i wasn't sure what it was i had
Everything I mean EVERYTHING
Then later Practice this Principle in all my affairs

Mentoring someone at work last year
without being paid any extra really just helped me
(Inventory & Prayer helped me lose the greed & judgemental stuff)
Action in the form of helping a new recruit at work
took my mind off the death of my mother
during working hours & there was a lot of laughing
mostly about his impatience & his need for perfection NOW
(sounds earily familiar to me)

He came up with the same stuff as me and any other
had come up with doubts, impatience, willingness, fear
arrogance, pride
We encouraged each other and this big geyser
softened when at times I cried
us humans, we have everything in us we need
it just takes time & willingness for it to show itself

This guy was and still is himself
"a loveable PROUD dude with a sense of humour
and a sense of knowing what the right thing is"
Its cool to see the the process works for him when he works it
as it did and still does for me when I work it
Just like it worked and still works for the people
who passed it onto me
"It" being the processes at work
Trust the Process (this one being the processes inplace at work)
Oh yeh we no longer work in the same building
we are now friends... now thats a gift YeY!!

going to any lengths at work and work their processes
also helped "the management"
see where their process needs changing
or not, it makes there inventory taking easier!!
Well it did for our place
ONLY when there were a few of us actually
doing what was required, instead of cutting corners

I am grateful to be able to look back at the past
without regret, remorse, shame

I have had some REALLY kind, patient and tolerent people
around me at work over the years
Its not a given that the people
who are paid to train & manage, actually do
I never REALLY saw at the time how much
help, skills, knowledge, kindness
and a certain amount of love too... even at work
Love, unconditional love, the one with no strings

Some times I need to stop and take a look back to see
what it was like, what happened and
what its like now
inside me and outside of me
it really is about change
continual willingness & openness to change
and be changed

Go for Gold, mine it and give it away
Have faith, it works - it really does

Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous

Saturday, June 16, 2007

I Quit the Debating Society

I asked the question "Am I recovered?"

An old timer I would consider "recovered"
uttered along the lines of
"We alcoholics can get in to heated discussion about things"
he gave me his definition
yeh made sense
still not satisfied

I spoke with my sponsor yesterday
who uttered, how can we be sure ?
the person is practicing these principles in all there affairs?
am I sure they are ?

the truth is i dunno
the answer now seems irrelevent

What I do know is that this question
has diverted me from my primary purpose
At my home groups
Its not helpful for me to hang around
debating whether I am recovered or not
(me the great me)

Johno Just Get Over Yourself
And get on with it
cos inevitably if pursued further
will lead to you
making a complete ass of yourself

Thank you Friend of Bill
for your .. We are never "cooked" post this week

Monday, June 11, 2007

Its the first "pop" that does the damage

Bubble Wrap packaging
We had some sheets of bubble wrap packaging
with the large bubbles in the office today

how many people
are unable to just pop one bubble
and walk away

Walk over to the nearest sheet of bubble wrap
and try to control your popping!!

Just pop one bubble and walk away... try it
(obviously do not if kind of behaviour
is already a problem in your life)

#Rule 62. "Dont take yourself so damn seriously"
I am off to bubble wrap poppers anonymous

Very grateful today
The way I have been sponsored over the last 3.75 years
Is nothing short of God gift to me
I have listened to everything I could
tried everything I could
Its all worked
its all relevent
its all tools to use
Its all stored up like in the library
just waiting to be used
I am blown away

Thank God for Sponsors
Thank God for the 3 Keys
Honesty, Willingness, openmindedness
Thank God for the 3 Legacies
Unity, Recovery, Service
Thank God for Progress not Perfection
Thank God for the Big Book
Thank God for the first 100 Angels
Thank God they went to anylength
AA Comes of Age
never fails to bring out the gratitude in me
Am grateful for our fellowships Loving God

Thy will not mine be done

Sunday, June 10, 2007

Happy 72nd Anniversary AA

What a fab day
Sun Shone
Did some washing
took inventory
Let go
Spoke to Sponsor this morning
"Pray, dont give advice only experience, MYOB"
Went to Portobello Road Market 1st time
Got some sun
Spent the afternoon in the 12th step
Prayed, didnt give advice only experience, MYOB"
Let go
enjoyed pizza
Got a text from overseas AA buddy
reminded its AA birthday!!
Spoke to sponsee
Let Go
been out 10 hours
Cheap day out
drinking fresh juice & green tea!!
Am very grateful to be a part of this amazing
loving, giving, fellowship
Thank you God

Enjoy gratitude week dudes!!

Saturday, June 09, 2007

Letting in the sunlight

having taken inventory
and prayed
an answer came

I had to let go of an AA commitment
Its amazing how letting go
of 1 evening a month
has lifted the world off my shoulders

I dont have to do it all
its not spiritual or comfortable
to try and know it all
my pride and self will
often block Gods will
progress not perfectionism

When my will is in line with Gods Will
all the doors seem to open
every step seems more effortless

Just letting go of that 1 thing
somehow opens up the channels on other stuff

Am currently praying on career progression
change in direction
something I wanted years ago
something I couldnt imagine getting into nowadays

pre AA and in early recovery
I wasnt happy with my jobs
I always wanted to change

nowadays, I know what I am good at
I know where my God given powers/skills lie
(or some of them anyway)
nowadays I can see that to completely change
direction is not something i need to do
its not necessary

It seems God has plans for me
plans which use the career skills i already have
and require some studying
to move in a slightly different direction

But it is in the direction I wanted years ago
This is bizarre, God is all powerful
My path is being corrected

Currently putting in the footwork
letting go of the outcome
all doors are opening

Fear rising
Faith rising higher
The truth is setting me free

Anythings possible

god am grateful

Also grateful
Sponsee starting to come out of the fog
Am grateful the answer which came the other day
Sponsee also got the same message
I love it, I didnt have to do anything

had a conversation with another AA
"am i recovered?"
I am recovered from that hopeless state of body and mind
I am no longer suffering
I dont feel like I used too
I do not drink
I have no desire to drink
I am not embarrased that I dont drink
the promises have come true
I have direction
I am useful
I am happy
I have fun
I know what to do today
I have hope
i feel like just another human (imperfect)
I am ok with me, all of me
I feel lucky to have a programme
I am not reliant on human to fix me
I am not cured of alcoholism
"am I recovered?"

Sunday, June 03, 2007

Learn to Listen, Listen to Learn

I heard
The bad thing about recovery is
you feel great
then you think you dont need it
then you stop working it
and many alkys forget
and drink
and some die
that was from a 25year sober AA

he values his sobriety
if he didnt stay sober
everything else would not be
He works it everyday
simple stuff
in all his affairs
and he isnt perfect

me am doing lots of service
lots of carrying the message
lots of tradition 5
its all going ok
I love it all

Wheres the listening time
I dont know it all
its alright carrying the message
I need to listen again

None of us makes a sole vocation of this work,
nor do we think its effectiveness would be increased if we did.

My imagination is fired
I am free to do anything
I feel it
I now have too many choices
And not enough time
to do it all
with love
am fraying at the edges
starting to become unmanageable
too much to deal with
I am not a robot
quality not quantity

Time to review
prayer meditation

unconditional love
= giving without strings
= giving freely

I need to improve my conscious contact
Am running too highly
on Pride & self will
enthusiasm is there
passion there
Fear is creeping in
replace fear with faith

physically am just a mere human being
AA will survive without me
I wont survive with out my conscious contact

I need to let go a little
Need to spend time
talking with God more
or rather listening
Works without Faith is dead!!
Quality not Quantity

Control Freaks dont rule... OK
So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn´t think so. P62

God I offer myself to Thee,
to build with me and do with me as Thou wilt
Relieve me of the bondage of self
that I may better do Thy will
take away my difficulties
that victory over them may bear witness
to those I would help
of thy power
Thy Love
and Thy way of life
may I do Thy will always!


Page refs to Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous

Saturday, June 02, 2007

cutting the hair of a control freak

What it was like
I used to cut my hair myself
It was one way of cutting myself
without doing any skin damage
A temporary release
deluded ... ease & comfort
Another fix
Too tight to pay London prices
money was better spent on cheap vodka
no one could cut my hair the way I wanted
cos I didnt really know what I wanted
no one understood me
poor me....

Stylists they always wanted to cut how they wanted
If I wanted it how I wanted,
they always did that deep sucking in
like mechanics do
How would they know anything about hair?
and how would they know whats best for me anyway?
Its my hair, I have to wear it......i know better

What happened ?
At some point a few years ago
I got the urge to self harm big time
wanted to cut my hair and myself
But was in recovery and knew I didnt want to do this anymore
I wanted to let go of this old idea
that self harm made me feel good
it didnt work, and I didnt want to do it anymore

So I made a decision to let go of the scissors
Let the hair expert take control
quelle suprise
people commented on my hair
how good it looked
how much younger I looked
Oh my God

What its like now
I now go to one of the cheapest place in London
£5 a cut
Just off Shaftesbury Avenue
Am in and out in 15minutes inc the wait
No products
No tea and biscuits
no flowery fluffy stuff
no time to change my mind
no time to build up too much resentment
very little small talk about holidays

How would you like it ?
just a bit shorter
how much ?
not much
not too short
what style ?
same as is, can you see how it is ?
yep I can
not sure how much to take off, an inch ?
errr yeah ok, try that then...(fear)
not too short though
and leave the fringe like it is (I mumble)
top a bit messy
back a bit long
not too short though

Physically, i grit my teeth
hold my breath
focus on my double chin
dread them cutting my ears
imagine they are going to cut my hair far to short
cos I know best
Johno your a poor crystal ball gazer
Johno your such a drama queen!!

So my hair is now cut by the same place
even swap around the "stylists"
Even though its such a performance in my head
I do it anyway

the results time after time are
I feel better
I like the style they conjoured up for me
Other people compliment me aswell
I haven't self harmed for a long while now
I have given up cutting my own hair
If I get the urge, I take inventory and pray
am still tight with money
or is the truth that...
have I found what works
and am now working it

Grateful to be in AA
Grateful to no longer believe the
negative head stuff
Grateful I just done a chair in Brixton Prison
grateful its sunny and hot
am off to the park
Grateful to be grateful
Grateful to be Free

thank you Blue for inspiring this post